Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / November 13, 2018 | Expresso - Carly Varner

Transcript

November 13, 2018 | Expresso - Carly Varner · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

0:00
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so she introduced me and um Connie caught me at a really good time when she asked me to speak.
0:06
SPEAKER_01: I was kind of on a getaway cattle trip because every getaway with my husband is now a cattle trip.
0:12
SPEAKER_01: Um and she called me, you know, I'm just like carefree without kids, and she's like, Can you speak at Express?
0:17
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, sure, what else do you need me to do?
0:19
SPEAKER_01: So um, but I didn't realize, you know, that it was like the week after we got back from Haiti.
0:24
SPEAKER_01: And for those of you who've been down to Haiti to serve, um, it takes a little while to recover.
0:29
SPEAKER_01: And I don't know exactly what point I recovered, but I apparently there was a like a light switch that flipped because my husband's like, Oh, you're back.
0:37
SPEAKER_01: So um, yeah, apparently there was something.
0:39
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what specific it was that um keyed him up into the fact that I was, you know, fully back engaged with my family, but something did.
0:46
SPEAKER_01: So um, for those of you that know me, which is probably it looks like over half of you guys, um, you know that I'm a stay-at-home mom with my kiddos, and I'm a hot mess most of the time.
0:56
SPEAKER_01: So um I never rarely do my homework in Bible studies.
1:01
SPEAKER_01: Um, I am certainly not.
1:03
SPEAKER_01: She told me I could bring pictures and like music or something.
1:06
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, um, can I just show up?
1:10
SPEAKER_01: Because that's a little much for me.
1:11
SPEAKER_01: Like you're asking a lot right now.
1:13
SPEAKER_01: Um, I actually have my cell phone so I can hold up a little um selfie of my family because um my poor two-year-old um in preschool, they've been asking every pretty much day since the beginning of the year.
1:24
SPEAKER_01: She just goes two mornings a week uh for a family picture, and she's the only one that doesn't have one.
1:28
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, it's just so hard for me to get my family in one picture.
1:32
SPEAKER_01: So I took a selfie the other night, and it's really bad.
1:34
SPEAKER_01: I I could have showed you that one, but I didn't.
1:36
SPEAKER_01: So anyway, I've got notes because I tend to get a little off track.
1:39
SPEAKER_01: So can you tell?
1:40
SPEAKER_01: Maybe a little bit?
1:41
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
1:42
SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna stick to my notes from this point on.
1:44
SPEAKER_01: So I really had thought I had skated under the radar because Expresso's been going on for what, like a dozen years, and I've been at this church for 30 and I've never been asked.
1:55
SPEAKER_01: And I was totally fine with that because I really didn't think I had a story.
1:58
SPEAKER_01: And every person I've told that to has said, but that's so many women's position on it.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: They don't think they have a story.
2:07
SPEAKER_01: And so I really had no idea what I was gonna say.
2:10
SPEAKER_01: Um and so there was the morning before we left for Haiti, I was planning, scheduling to sleep in until eight o'clock.
2:19
SPEAKER_01: I was gonna keep my kids home for the day so I could spend the day with them.
2:22
SPEAKER_01: I'd already told, I'd already pumped up my son to like play the movie as soon as they all woke up at like six in the morning.
2:29
SPEAKER_01: And um, I was gonna sleep till eight.
2:30
SPEAKER_01: So I was gonna tell him, don't wake me up until that clock says eight.
2:34
SPEAKER_01: Um, but God woke me up at six o'clock that morning telling me what I was gonna speak to you guys about.
2:39
SPEAKER_01: And um and I thought, okay, I'll just, I'll just type it up when I wake up at eight o'clock because I had this planned, like to wake up at eight o'clock.
2:46
SPEAKER_01: And he's like, no, you're gonna forget it.
2:48
SPEAKER_01: It's totally gonna be gone.
2:49
SPEAKER_01: You know, you can't even remember where you left your phone 30 times a day, like you're not gonna remember any of this.
2:53
SPEAKER_01: So I got up and started typing and um have kind of made a little bit more sense of it since then, but it just kind of um he just told me that morning.
3:01
SPEAKER_01: So, um, like I said, I don't really feel like I had a story.
3:05
SPEAKER_01: I was raised in a Christian home by good parents, had to put that out there because my mom's right there.
3:10
SPEAKER_01: I couldn't say otherwise.
3:11
SPEAKER_01: Um, my parents taught me about Jesus and grace, and I had a good childhood.
3:16
SPEAKER_01: I never turned away from God.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: I never searched other religions.
3:19
SPEAKER_01: I never had a time where I strayed away from Jesus.
3:23
SPEAKER_01: Um, my beliefs never wavered.
3:24
SPEAKER_01: I had no addictions, nothing like that would make me feel like I had a story to give you.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: Um, I did all the right things.
3:32
SPEAKER_01: Um I was saved in first grade, sort of.
3:37
SPEAKER_01: Um I was a little bit motivated maybe by the strawberry shortcake sticker that I saw sitting on Mrs.
3:43
SPEAKER_01: Jernigan's desk.
3:44
SPEAKER_01: I thought maybe if I raised my hand when she asked if anybody had prayed the salvation prayer, that I would get one.
3:49
SPEAKER_01: And I was so right.
3:50
SPEAKER_01: I got one.
3:51
SPEAKER_01: Um and she does know that.
3:54
SPEAKER_01: So I think she hides the stickers now.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: But um, but anyway, since that time, God's given me multiple opportunities to um to really grasp what salvation is um and assurance of salvation.
4:07
SPEAKER_01: Because without assurance of salvation, I just think that would totally affect my confidence in living and sharing about Jesus.
4:15
SPEAKER_01: So um I didn't have a substance addiction, but I did seem to have addiction to having like a best friend or a boyfriend, just having somebody who would be loyal to me all the time and who I could be loyal to.
4:29
SPEAKER_01: I'm a very loyal person, so that just is something that I wanted.
4:33
SPEAKER_01: And obviously, you can see like I should have found that in Christ, but I didn't.
4:37
SPEAKER_01: Um, so I wasn't codependent.
4:39
SPEAKER_01: I was just really liked having an ally that wouldn't change.
4:44
SPEAKER_01: Um, because what I was looking for was a deep relationship with Christ.
4:48
SPEAKER_01: And I knew all about the relationship that I was supposed to have, but I looked for identity anywhere but there.
4:54
SPEAKER_01: So I was a wakeboarder and I was pretty good at it.
4:57
SPEAKER_01: I snowboarded.
4:58
SPEAKER_01: I wanted people to know like that was what I did.
5:01
SPEAKER_01: Like I wanted to be known as that's what I'm good at.
5:04
SPEAKER_01: That's what I do.
5:05
SPEAKER_01: Um, I attempted to teach myself to play the guitar very failed miserably, probably at least a dozen times.
5:12
SPEAKER_01: Um, I guess I was a wimp with the calluses or something, but I couldn't do it because I thought if I sang, that didn't really complete an image that I wanted.
5:21
SPEAKER_01: And so I needed to play the guitar to sing, right?
5:23
SPEAKER_01: And you'd have both.
5:24
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I failed at that.
5:26
SPEAKER_01: And I really had a very short attention span.
5:29
SPEAKER_01: Um so I was also wanted to be really good at tennis, and I I did get fairly decent.
5:35
SPEAKER_01: I took private lessons and I hit a lot with my dad, which I absolutely loved.
5:39
SPEAKER_01: And if I just did it for the pure jo enjoyment of it, then that would be totally fine.
5:44
SPEAKER_01: But I still wanted it to be something that, oh, she's a tennis player, you know, um, just an identity thing.
5:51
SPEAKER_01: So, like Carly the Wakeboarder, Carly the snowboarder, Carly the tennis player, whatever it is.
5:56
SPEAKER_01: Um, it wasn't even bad things.
5:58
SPEAKER_01: I found my identity hugely in my profession as a nurse before we had children.
6:04
SPEAKER_01: Um I desperately hated anytime anybody thought that I wasn't excellent at what I did being a nurse.
6:13
SPEAKER_01: Um making a mistake was like my life was over.
6:16
SPEAKER_01: Um so that was a huge deal to me.
6:18
SPEAKER_01: And honestly, that probably went until I had started having children because I thought, oh, I can't be PRN.
6:26
SPEAKER_01: I can't stay really good at what I do if I don't work all the time, you know.
6:30
SPEAKER_01: So I really still struggled with that, um, even after I had kind of let that identity go.
6:36
SPEAKER_01: I even remember remember my friend's husband joking to me saying, Wow, you do everything.
6:41
SPEAKER_01: You're a guitar playing, wakeboarding, horseback riding, tennis playing, nurse.
6:45
SPEAKER_01: He thought it was funny that I was a jack of all trades, but it really did kind of point out to me that I had an image, an image and identity problem.
6:54
SPEAKER_01: Um because of that, I realized I was deeply searching for identity.
6:59
SPEAKER_01: And I'd been singing at church at that time, and I decided to step back from serving in that way because I started questioning were my motives pure.
7:07
SPEAKER_01: Um even an expensive, amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity trip to Greece with my parents, um, with Jim Congden as our guide, should have certainly opened my eyes to the God, to the awe that God had to show me.
7:21
SPEAKER_01: Um, I remember the names of all the places, and I remember that we were following Paul's missionary journeys, but my knowledge was not deep enough to really take in the awe that God had to show me and experience the amazingness of God's presence.
7:38
unknown: Take a drink.
7:42
SPEAKER_01: So I knew all the right things to say, and I certainly believed all the right things too.
7:47
SPEAKER_01: Um, I just didn't really live them.
7:49
SPEAKER_01: So I worked three summers in a row at Canacuk.
7:52
SPEAKER_01: I'm sure most of you guys have heard of Canicook.
7:54
SPEAKER_01: Um I worked two years as an office girl and my third year as a nurse after I had graduated nursing school.
8:01
SPEAKER_01: And I think that probably being a staff member there, I never went as a camper.
8:07
SPEAKER_01: I probably couldn't have handled it.
8:08
SPEAKER_01: I get homesick after like one night away.
8:10
SPEAKER_01: But um that's probably why my mom knew better than to send me and spend all that money and have to go pick me up.
8:15
SPEAKER_01: Um, see a get off track.
8:17
SPEAKER_01: Um, anyway, the sheer intensity of worship, the powerful display of salvation and God's love and the genuine friendships and the lack of a need for identity outside of Christ changed my thinking.
8:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was the one who was supposed to be leading there, and I did lead, but I think I learned more than I led.
8:38
SPEAKER_01: So I have this spiritual gift, and yeah, I think I may have taken a spiritual gifts assessment test, like maybe um in the past.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: I know I probably should know these things, but um, I don't really remember specifically what it had said.
8:52
SPEAKER_01: Um, but I do know that there's a spiritual gift that I believe showed up after this um intense time that I had spent in Canicuk when my knowledge was a little bit deeper and my relationship with Christ was a little bit deeper.
9:05
SPEAKER_01: Um I just can sense when others are hurting, not all the time.
9:09
SPEAKER_01: It's just when God points it out to me.
9:12
SPEAKER_01: And I also don't know if everyone is like this, because I know my husband says that he doesn't have the same experience with the Holy Spirit, but it's like a physical manifestation takes over my body.
9:22
SPEAKER_01: Um the best way I could describe it would be like an anxiety attack or a panic attack.
9:28
SPEAKER_01: Um I start to have a racing heart, um, start to get shaky, nauseous, a little dizzy, a little lightheaded.
9:36
SPEAKER_01: Um, this sounds pleasant, doesn't it?
9:38
SPEAKER_01: And just really overwhelming feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something.
9:43
SPEAKER_01: And God usually points it out to me pretty quickly, like there's a man over there who's hurting, you need to go pray for him.
9:49
SPEAKER_01: And thank the Lord when I'm driving, it's not like a you gotta stop, but sometimes it is.
9:54
SPEAKER_01: And um so I do.
9:57
SPEAKER_01: And that feeling, that physical manifestation that takes over my body when the Holy Spirit is telling me that I need to do something will not go away until I complete the task.
10:06
SPEAKER_01: So I've learned to stop trying to resist it.
10:08
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, um, so I have that um that's kind of been more present even even more lately than it was before.
10:19
SPEAKER_01: But I think that's about when it showed up when I was kind of a new nurse about 10 years ago after Canacook.
10:24
SPEAKER_01: Um, I did realize that I loved having a boyfriend and I had an identity in this way too.
10:30
SPEAKER_01: So I decided at that point in time um that I wasn't gonna date anymore.
10:35
SPEAKER_01: Um, I wasn't really picking the best guys, right, mom?
10:38
SPEAKER_01: Um and I just didn't I just didn't um have very good, it's not that I didn't have good judgment.
10:47
SPEAKER_01: I just wanted to have a boyfriend, so I wasn't too picky.
10:50
SPEAKER_01: Um so at that time um I was actually living with Catherine and I decided that I was um not gonna date anymore.
10:56
SPEAKER_01: And of course, yes, that's when God put my husband in my life.
11:00
SPEAKER_01: Um I didn't deserve him.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: I actually didn't even want him.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: Um he I I read this to him, so he knows all of this.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: Um and I was like, no, God, totally not interested in this guy.
11:12
SPEAKER_01: Like, no, I just I'm I'm gonna I'm just gonna focus on you now.
11:17
SPEAKER_01: This is not the right timing, and I really don't think that he's the one that I want to marry.
11:21
SPEAKER_01: And so um that was Vik immediately.
11:24
SPEAKER_01: It did I didn't get to know him before I said that.
11:26
SPEAKER_01: Um so so he kind of came out of nowhere.
11:30
SPEAKER_01: He started texting me.
11:32
SPEAKER_01: He had gotten my phone number from his brother-in-law, who used to be our worship leader, and um he pursued me hardcore.
11:39
SPEAKER_01: And I'd never experienced that before in my life.
11:42
SPEAKER_01: Um, I'd never been patient enough to wait for that.
11:45
SPEAKER_01: And so having him pursue me like that changed, I mean, it changed the way that I felt about him quickly and realized that I was gonna marry him and was still a little resistant to the idea.
11:56
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I told him that if he was still interested in dating me by my birthday, which was about three and a half months away, that I would date him.
12:03
SPEAKER_01: Um so we were engaged by my birthday.
12:06
SPEAKER_01: Um, and so that's that was that.
12:09
SPEAKER_01: Um, so we've kind of always had a little bit of a whirlwind life.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: Like we've just had, we always have a lot.
12:16
SPEAKER_01: We're just like, when is it gonna slow down?
12:18
SPEAKER_01: It's never gonna slow down.
12:19
SPEAKER_01: So um we always, I always wanted four children.
12:22
SPEAKER_01: I I said we and then I changed it to I.
12:25
SPEAKER_01: Brian was always a little nervous about having four children, but that's just always what I had in my head.
12:29
SPEAKER_01: And for some reason, um, prior to being married, I always felt that I was gonna struggle with infertility.
12:36
SPEAKER_01: I'm not really sure why, but I think it's just because God wanted me to be open to the idea of having children that were not biologically mine.
12:45
SPEAKER_01: And I wasn't even sure why.
12:47
SPEAKER_01: Um, so my boys were very close together, which is a huge adjustment for me.
12:51
SPEAKER_01: I lived in Holton on our Longhorn Ranch that my husband was like insistent that we started this Longhorn Ranch when Camden was like three days old.
13:02
SPEAKER_01: I mean, he'd been doing a lot of research, but all of a sudden we have cattle.
13:04
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, when did this even happen?
13:06
SPEAKER_01: So I was a little overwhelmed, very isolated.
13:08
SPEAKER_01: Everything we did was in Topeka, and I really struggled.
13:12
SPEAKER_01: Um, I probably really struggled a lot until Camden was about one.
13:15
SPEAKER_01: Um, I came to lunch with my mom and her friends, who were my friends as well, um, every day that I could justify going to Topeka because I had other errands to run or something.
13:26
SPEAKER_01: Um, so it was a real struggle for me.
13:29
SPEAKER_01: So when Camden was two, three months old, um, one morning, God told me um that we were supposed to adopt out of the foster system.
13:39
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, hmm, maybe maybe later.
13:42
SPEAKER_01: Like, not now.
13:43
SPEAKER_01: God, do you see this?
13:44
SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm drowning here.
13:46
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, okay, well, I'm just gonna tell Brian this and see what he thinks.
13:49
SPEAKER_01: He's probably gonna say, You're crazy, because he's said that to me a few times.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: Um, especially when I like want to go pray for somebody in the middle of a taco bell.
13:56
SPEAKER_01: Um, but he he adject he accepts it anyway.
13:59
SPEAKER_01: Um, anyway, so I I went up to him and I told him, I said, I feel like God wants us to adopt out of the foster system.
14:05
SPEAKER_01: I feel like he told me that this morning.
14:07
SPEAKER_01: And this is just kind of cool.
14:09
SPEAKER_01: I'm I I could I might tear up at some point in time.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: I did when I told her my story.
14:16
SPEAKER_01: Um so Brian said, Well, then I guess that's what we're supposed to do because he told me that this morning, too.
14:22
SPEAKER_01: So we had decided that we were not going to pursue anything.
14:27
SPEAKER_01: Like if God wanted us to do this, he was gonna have to bring it to us and literally put it in our laps because we didn't want to just take something that he said, misinterpret it, and run with it and not do what he's asking us to do.
14:38
SPEAKER_01: So we were gonna wait until um God brought something to us.
14:42
SPEAKER_01: So we went through the training, all of the, you know, the 10 weeks of courses.
14:47
SPEAKER_01: We went through all the home studies, we went through all the interviews.
14:50
SPEAKER_01: Um, there were 20 families interested in these two sisters, age nine and eleven.
14:56
SPEAKER_01: And I mean, for a good reason, they looked perfect on paper.
15:00
SPEAKER_01: Um, and so hearing everything that we felt like we needed to hear, um, we just kind of were reserved about our excitement.
15:09
SPEAKER_01: We actually kind of like let it go because we're like they're 20s families.
15:12
SPEAKER_01: There's no way they're gonna pick somebody with a newborn.
15:14
SPEAKER_01: Like, that's crazy.
15:15
SPEAKER_01: Who who would pick somebody with a newborn and take on these girls?
15:18
SPEAKER_01: So 20 families turned into 12, 12 turned into six, six turned into four.
15:23
SPEAKER_01: Suddenly it's between us and another family.
15:26
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I don't know how this is happening, but like this is not something that I feel like I can do.
15:32
SPEAKER_01: But it was so clear that God had asked us that I couldn't, I couldn't say no.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: So we continued to say yes, even though a lot of the people around us said this is a bad idea.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: Um so we really didn't make any emotional investment until that point.
15:47
SPEAKER_01: So we were told we were the chosen family.
15:49
SPEAKER_01: Um I was in the mall ordering Chick-fil-A and I was in shock.
15:53
SPEAKER_01: Um so now all of a sudden we're supposed to meet these girls.
15:56
SPEAKER_01: So we drive to Chinute and they put literally like 10 five-inch binders on this table, and they're like, you've got two hours, the girls are waiting to meet you.
16:07
SPEAKER_01: They already know that you're going to adopt them.
16:10
SPEAKER_01: So we really were kind of set up for like failure if anything didn't go right at this point in time.
16:17
SPEAKER_01: But I still felt confident that we were being obedient and that we were doing everything we were supposed to do.
16:22
SPEAKER_01: Brian and I never wavered in that at all.
16:24
SPEAKER_01: Um, I was dragging my feet, but um, but we understood that it was what we were being asked to do.
16:31
SPEAKER_01: So five-day visits at a time turned into um us getting to know them, us feeling pretty comfortable with them, us teaching them how to work the cattle, me teaching them how to cook.
16:42
SPEAKER_01: Um I enjoyed them, but I still felt homesick.
16:46
SPEAKER_01: I didn't want my family to change.
16:48
SPEAKER_01: Um, some information that they gave us, pointing out the huge potential for an abusive foster home, resulted in an investigation and them moving in with us at two o'clock in the morning one night because their current foster home was the one that was being investigated.
17:05
SPEAKER_01: So they arrived at least six weeks prior to when they were supposed to live with us full-time, and I was not ready.
17:10
SPEAKER_01: I was not done grieving my family as it was.
17:14
SPEAKER_01: I was not ready for them.
17:16
SPEAKER_01: Um, so I continued to have to remind myself that I was being obedient.
17:22
SPEAKER_01: And one night I was in my bedroom, I had Brian take the kids.
17:25
SPEAKER_01: He knew that I was really struggling, and I just said, I need to yell at God right now.
17:30
SPEAKER_01: Like I just really need to yell at God.
17:32
SPEAKER_01: And so I went to my bedroom and I was screaming into a pillow because they could have heard me if I was loud.
17:38
SPEAKER_01: And I was just saying, God, please, like I will do anything that you asked me to do, but just take this burden.
17:44
SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't want this burden.
17:45
SPEAKER_01: Please just take this burden.
17:46
SPEAKER_01: And he responded by saying to me audibly, if any of you were in that room, you would have heard him.
17:53
SPEAKER_01: In a very loud, powerful, yet gentle voice, this is what I have for you, dear daughter.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: Like, who talks like that?
18:01
SPEAKER_01: Like it was not my, it was not my imagination.
18:04
SPEAKER_01: Um, and every time I have doubted that that was really God, he he literally says to me, Why do you doubt me?
18:10
SPEAKER_01: Um, so he spoke to me in you know, 360 sound.
18:16
SPEAKER_01: Um, and I realized at that time that I that I that I couldn't question him.
18:21
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know if this is what I have for you meant, this is what I have for you at the moment, this is what I have for you forever.
18:28
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know.
18:29
SPEAKER_01: All I knew is I had to continue being obedient and I needed to quit complaining.
18:33
SPEAKER_01: Literally two or three days later, um, we very abruptly and very unexpectedly learned that they were not to be with us permanently.
18:46
SPEAKER_01: And he removed that burden.
18:48
SPEAKER_01: And I felt relief for myself, but I really felt heartbreak for them.
18:52
SPEAKER_01: And I can tell you that I do know that God had to have us all in in order to play a role in their lives because they were only up for adoption.
19:02
SPEAKER_01: I still do not know what that role was.
19:04
SPEAKER_01: We did teach them about Jesus and we did show them what a loving family looked like.
19:09
SPEAKER_01: Um, to that point, I think it's just gonna be in heaven that I finally find out the reason that we were to do that.
19:15
SPEAKER_01: Um, but the trust and obedience, this that this incredibly emotional and taxing experience um was really um opened our hearts to God's calling in our lives.
19:27
SPEAKER_01: We were very receptive at this point because we knew that when he asked us to do something, it was it was not something we could question, and we knew that we had to trust him.
19:39
SPEAKER_01: So um skip forward a couple of years um and a positive pregnancy test.
19:45
SPEAKER_01: Um you know, it was about six weeks later, heavy cramping and bleeding, and um then again two months later, the same thing.
19:57
SPEAKER_01: And both times when I had gotten to the doctor's office, my levels had dropped to zero, and so it was considered unconfirmed pregnancy.
20:06
SPEAKER_01: And even though the doctor's office considered them unconfirmed, I knew that God did not consider them unconfirmed, and I knew that he had a purpose.
20:16
SPEAKER_01: So I didn't get too excited when the test was positive a few months later.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: I waited 10 weeks before telling my closest friends when the food aversions and the nausea and the exhaustion were well underway.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: And so then at my 10-week appointment, when she couldn't find the heartbeat, I was just not surprised.
20:37
SPEAKER_00: Like I just was like, okay.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: She said, I'm gonna send you in for a sonogram.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: And I just thought, you really don't need to, like, I don't, like I already know, but she did.
20:48
SPEAKER_00: And um, the picture on the screen was hardly recognizable.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: So I underwent a DNC, mostly because the baby had died about two weeks prior, and I was still literally really struggling to function because I was so sick.
21:04
SPEAKER_01: And so um I was told that it could be weeks or even you know, longer than a month before my my body would take care of things naturally.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: So I underwent a DNC.
21:15
SPEAKER_01: Um and literally as I was recovering from my surgery, my husband's family was visiting our new niece in the hospital and celebrating the gender of yet another nephew on my husband's side and the announcement of a pregnancy from another brother.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: The timing, thank you.
21:36
SPEAKER_00: You just know I'm gonna need it.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: The timing was brutal, but I didn't feel broken.
21:42
SPEAKER_00: I just felt exhausted.
21:44
SPEAKER_01: But this to me meant not just an adjust, not another loss of a baby, but a loss of this fourth child that I just so desperately wanted.
21:58
SPEAKER_01: So hormonally, um Um maybe imbalanced, you could say.
22:02
SPEAKER_01: I scheduled Brian's vasectomy the next day because I simply just couldn't take another loss.
22:08
SPEAKER_01: This same vasectomy, I would I would cancel and reschedule three more times before it actually occurred.
22:15
SPEAKER_01: The last time I called to schedule it, the receptionist responded, Oh, I see a note here on your chart saying you need counseling before we can schedule this.
22:24
SPEAKER_01: Let me transfer you to a nurse.
22:26
SPEAKER_01: So I actually started laughing at that point in time.
22:28
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, yeah, this is pretty ridiculous.
22:30
SPEAKER_01: And Brian's like, you cannot cancel this again.
22:33
SPEAKER_01: Like, you can't, you can't cancel this again.
22:35
SPEAKER_01: We just need to do this, especially because I didn't want to have to face them if I did.
22:39
SPEAKER_01: So I accepted that we were done biologically.
22:42
SPEAKER_01: Although I still beg God for another miraculously.
22:46
SPEAKER_01: But we both know that God does have something more.
22:48
SPEAKER_01: I remember also when I was pregnant with Savannah, um, standing in church and leaning over and whispering to my husband, God just told me this is not our last child.
22:58
SPEAKER_01: He's like, oh my gosh, like you're crazy.
23:01
SPEAKER_01: Um but I I did remember that later because I'd kind of forgotten about that.
23:06
SPEAKER_01: Um and so then I struggled with a vasectomy because I'm like, well, how is he gonna give us another child?
23:11
SPEAKER_01: Like he said he was gonna give us another child.
23:13
SPEAKER_01: Um so the biggest change that occurred when we said yes to the girls was that we said yes to obedience.
23:20
SPEAKER_01: I just ate tissue when we didn't even want it.
23:24
SPEAKER_01: So when we didn't want to do it, we still said yes to obedience.
23:28
SPEAKER_01: So about the time of the due date of this baby that I had most recently lost um was just this past spring and um kind of summer actually, um, it looked like to anyone outwardly that I maybe was struggling with a little bit of anxiety and depression.
23:47
SPEAKER_01: But I I didn't really feel depressed because I felt like I didn't feel angry, like I never really struggled in that way.
23:54
SPEAKER_01: Um I did feel a little anxious, but I felt like it was more sensory related.
23:59
SPEAKER_01: I didn't feel like it was just simply anxiety or depression.
24:02
SPEAKER_01: I knew it was around my due date, and all of my friends over here were super supportive and you know, just saying it's probably that's what's going on.
24:09
SPEAKER_01: But I did see my doctor, and after being treated for anxiety and depression and nothing changing, I realized, okay, this is not what's going on, but I was just trying to pray for an answer.
24:19
SPEAKER_01: So a divine coffee date with a friend that I'd been trying to get coffee with for like two weeks, or two weeks, two years, big difference.
24:30
SPEAKER_01: Um, I just decided, like I just felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to call her for coffee.
24:35
SPEAKER_01: So I did, and we met the next day.
24:37
SPEAKER_01: And a conversation about herself that had nothing to do with trying to figure out what was going on with me led me to realize, oh my gosh, how long has it taken me to realize that I am ADD?
24:49
SPEAKER_01: Like it has taken me so long.
24:51
SPEAKER_01: They're laughing at me because they're like, it was so obvious.
24:54
SPEAKER_01: Um and so that was part that was my anxiety, it was all sensory related.
25:00
SPEAKER_01: Like I could see too many things and hear too many things, and my brain couldn't figure out where to start.
25:05
SPEAKER_01: And so I really struggled with too much sensory input because I just kind of like just couldn't handle it.
25:11
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, you got to take it all away.
25:12
SPEAKER_01: Which, if any of you have lived with three small children under six, you know that's literally like day in and day out.
25:17
SPEAKER_01: So you can't just take it away.
25:19
SPEAKER_01: Um, but once I kind of had that a little bit more under control and could recognize it for what it was and and kind of handle it a little bit better because I knew what it was, um, my knowledge started to deepen.
25:32
SPEAKER_01: I was actually 12 weeks behind on my chronological Bible study, and I read it all in one week.
25:37
SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm going off track, but I'm going to tell you one thing.
25:40
SPEAKER_01: So my son woke up one morning and said, Mommy, you were in my dream last night.
25:43
SPEAKER_01: I said, That's awesome.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: He goes, No, it's not.
25:46
SPEAKER_01: There's a tornado right out the window, and you were so into your Bible you didn't even see it.
25:51
SPEAKER_01: So moderation is also a really good thing, but I did get through that once I kind of had figured out what was going on and was able to make some changes to help treat that.
26:03
SPEAKER_01: So I'm finally finally retaining biblical readings, connecting in a way that I've never been able to because my knowledge is finally deeper.
26:11
SPEAKER_01: Um, I actually kind of feel like I'm not a hot mess half the time now.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: Um my mom, she said, Do you want to give me your passport so I can put it back in our safe?
26:21
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Mom, I think it's time for me to get my own safe.
26:24
SPEAKER_01: Like I think I can be responsible now.
26:28
SPEAKER_01: Um so anyway, I as I've been in the Word, my worship has been deeper.
26:34
SPEAKER_01: My relationship with Christ has been stronger.
26:37
SPEAKER_01: I've been more receptive to his speaking to me.
26:42
SPEAKER_01: Um, I hear undoubtedly that same powerful yet gentle, slightly echoey voice in my head.
26:51
SPEAKER_01: And whenever I doubt that it's him speaking, he says it again and again and again in language that I would never use.
26:58
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, God, who talks like that?
27:00
SPEAKER_01: Um, but he does.
27:02
SPEAKER_01: And I can tell the difference between the Holy Spirit.
27:05
SPEAKER_01: I know this is really strange if if you don't know what I'm talking about, because this is the first time in my life that I have said that I can tell the difference between God and the Holy Spirit as separate entities moving in my life, like moving in my body.
27:20
SPEAKER_01: Um but when God speaks to me, I can hear it.
27:25
SPEAKER_01: Um and I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but my my identity is now in Christ.
27:31
SPEAKER_01: Um, and that makes me so much more receptive to his desires and callings in my life.
27:36
SPEAKER_01: Um, so I've I think I've found the term like identity in Christ is kind of like overused and cliche.
27:42
SPEAKER_01: And what does that even mean?
27:43
SPEAKER_01: And maybe that's why I struggled so much with it when I was younger.
27:46
SPEAKER_01: Um, because I'm like, what does that even mean?
27:48
SPEAKER_01: Like, how what does that mean?
27:50
SPEAKER_01: Well, to me, I've recently described it as being a joyful servant, um, joyfully waiting and accepting any task that he gives me, not without fears, but fears relieved by peace when I seek my heavenly father's comfort and direction.
28:07
SPEAKER_01: So recently, God has been asking me to set aside all extra responsibilities.
28:14
SPEAKER_01: Um, serving good things.
28:16
SPEAKER_01: Um, he's just been asking me to set them aside.
28:19
SPEAKER_01: And he's, I just keep hearing in my head, open hands.
28:23
SPEAKER_01: I need you to have open hands.
28:24
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I don't know what that means, but you've never, you know, led me wrong.
28:29
SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna do what you ask.
28:30
SPEAKER_01: He's never asked that of me before.
28:32
SPEAKER_01: So giving up things that take my time away, um, good things, I mean, they're all good things.
28:38
SPEAKER_01: Um, things that I enjoy to do outside of my home, um, any kind of serving, volunteering, God has asked me to take that off my plate.
28:47
SPEAKER_01: Um, so whenever God asks us to do something to further his kingdom, it's never easy, but it's always worth it.
28:57
SPEAKER_01: And I'm beginning to see why.
28:59
SPEAKER_01: It's just really cool when you can start seeing things, piecing together like why God's been doing things and how he's working in each step along the way.
29:07
SPEAKER_01: Um, but in order to get to that point, like I really had to connect in a way that I hadn't before.
29:13
SPEAKER_01: And so God's been starting to show me um why he's needed my open hands.
29:19
SPEAKER_01: And I will just continue to obey and be a joyful servant because I know that what he has is huge.
29:27
SPEAKER_01: And I know that he's been preparing our family for something big for pretty much our entire marriage.
29:34
SPEAKER_01: So I'm really excited to see um this next chapter that he's asking us to obey in.
29:40
SPEAKER_01: So that's all I got.