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12 - Unnatural Death by Dorothy L. Sayers · Unnatural Death

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  Speaker 1: Chapter twelve of Unnatural Death by Dorothy Sayers. This LibriVox
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  Speaker 1: recording is in the public domain. A Tale of Two Spinsters.
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  Speaker 1: The power of perpetuating our property in our families is
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  Speaker 1: one of the most valuable and interesting circumstances belonging to it.
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  Speaker 1: Burke Reflections on the Revolution. The rainy night was followed
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  Speaker 1: by a sun streaked morning. Lord Peter, having wrapped himself
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  Speaker 1: affectionately round an abnormal quantity of bacon and eggs, strolled
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  Speaker 1: out to bask at the door of the Fox and Hounds.
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  Speaker 1: He filled a pipe and slowly meditated within. A cheerful
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  Speaker 1: bustle in the bar announced the near arrival of opening time.
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  Speaker 1: Eight ducks crossed the road in indian file. A cat
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  Speaker 1: sprang up upon the bench, stretched herself, tucked her hind
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  Speaker 1: legs under her, and coiled her tail tightly round them,
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  Speaker 1: as though to prevent them from accidentally working loose. A
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  Speaker 1: groom passed, riding a tall bay horse and leading a
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  Speaker 1: chestnut with a hogged mane. A spaniel followed them, running
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  Speaker 1: ridiculously with one ear flopped inside out. Over his foolish head.
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  Speaker 1: Lord Peter said, ha. The inn door was set hospitably
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  Speaker 1: open by the barman, who said good morning, sir, Fine morning, sir,
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  Speaker 1: and vanished within again. Lord Peter said, humph. He uncrossed
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  Speaker 1: his right foot from over his left and straddled happily
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  Speaker 1: across the threshold. Round the corner by the churchyard wall,
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  Speaker 1: a little bent figure hove into sight. An aged man
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  Speaker 1: with a wrinkled face and legs incredibly bowed his spare
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  Speaker 1: shanks enclosed in leather gaiters. He advanced at a kind
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  Speaker 1: of brisk potter and civilly bared his ancient head, before
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  Speaker 1: lowering himself with an audible creak, on the bench beside
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  Speaker 1: the cat. Good morning, sir, said he. Good morning, said
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  Speaker 1: Lord Peter. A beautiful day, that it be, sir, that
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  Speaker 1: it be, said the old man heartily. When I sees
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  Speaker 1: a beautiful may day like this, I pray the Lord
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  Speaker 1: he'll spare me to live in this wonderful world of
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  Speaker 1: his a few years longer. I do. Indeed, you look
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  Speaker 1: uncommonly fit, said his lordship. I should think there was
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  Speaker 1: every chance of it. I'm still very hearty, sir, thank you,
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  Speaker 1: though I am eighty seven. Next Michaelmas, Lord Peter expressed
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  Speaker 1: a proper astonishment, Yes, sir eighty seven. And if it
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  Speaker 1: wasn't for the rheumatics, I'd have nothin to complain on.
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  Speaker 1: I'm stronger, maybe than what I look. I knows I'm
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  Speaker 1: a bit bent, sir, But that's the OSS's, sir, more
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  Speaker 1: than the age regular brought up with the OSSes, I've
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  Speaker 1: been all my life, worked with em, slept with em,
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  Speaker 1: lived in a stable. You might say, sir, you couldn't
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  Speaker 1: have better company, said Lord Peter. That's right, sir, you couldn't.
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  Speaker 1: My wife always used to say she was jealous of
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  Speaker 1: the OSSes, said I preferred their conversation to hers. Well
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  Speaker 1: maybe she was right, sir. The os never talks no foolishness,
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  Speaker 1: I says to her. An that's more than you can
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  Speaker 1: always say of women, ain't it, sir? It is indeed,
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  Speaker 1: said Whimsy, what are you going to have? Thank you, sir.
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  Speaker 1: I'll have my usual pint of bitter. Jim knows Jim
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  Speaker 1: always start the day with a pint of bitter. Sir.
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  Speaker 1: It's alsommer than tea to my mind. And don't fret
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  Speaker 1: the coats of the stomach. I dare say you're right,
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  Speaker 1: said Whimsy. Now you mention it there is something fretful
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  Speaker 1: about tea. Mister Piggin. Two pints of bitter please, and
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  Speaker 1: will you join us? Thank you, my lord, said the
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  Speaker 1: Landlord Joe. Two large bitters and a guinness. Beautiful morning,
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  Speaker 1: my lord, morning, mister Cobling. I see you've made each
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  Speaker 1: other's acquaintance already, by jove. So this is mister Coebling.
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  Speaker 1: I'm delighted to see you. I want it particularly to
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  Speaker 1: have a chat with you. Indeed, Sir, I was telling
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  Speaker 1: this gentleman, Lord Peter Whimsey, his name is as you
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  Speaker 1: could tell him all about Miss Whittaker and Miss Dawson.
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  Speaker 1: He knows friends of Miss Dawson's. Indeed, Ah, there ain't
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  Speaker 1: much I couldn't tell you about them ladies, and proud
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  Speaker 1: i'd be to do it. Fifty years I was with
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  Speaker 1: miss Whittaker. I come to her as under groom in
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  Speaker 1: old Johnny Blackthorne's time, and stayed on as head groom
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  Speaker 1: after he died. A rare young lady. She was in
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  Speaker 1: them days, dearie, me straight as a switch, with a
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  Speaker 1: fine high color in her cheeks and shiny black hair,
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  Speaker 1: just like a beautiful two year old filly she was,
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  Speaker 1: and very sperrited, won'erful sperrited. There was a many gentlemen
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  Speaker 1: as would have been glad to hitch up with her,
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  Speaker 1: But she was never broke to harness like dirt. She
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  Speaker 1: treated em wouldn't look at him, except it might be
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  Speaker 1: the grooms and stable hands. In a matter of OSSes
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  Speaker 1: and in the way of business, of course, Well, there
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  Speaker 1: is some creatures like that. I add a terrier bitch
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  Speaker 1: that way, great ratterer. She was, but a business woman,
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  Speaker 1: nothing else. I tried her with all the dogs I
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  Speaker 1: could lay ante to, but it warn't no good blood
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  Speaker 1: shed there was, and such a row you'd never heard.
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  Speaker 1: The Lord makes a few on em that way to
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  Speaker 1: suit his own purpose. I suppose there ain't no arguin
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  Speaker 1: with females, Lord Peter said, Ah. The ale went down
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  Speaker 1: in silence. Mister Piggin roused himself presently from contemplation to
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  Speaker 1: tell a story of miss Whittaker in the hunting field,
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  Speaker 1: mister Cobling capped by another. Lord Peter said, Ah. Parker
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  Speaker 1: then emerged and was introduced, and mister Cobling begged the
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  Speaker 1: privilege of standing a round of drinks. This ritual accomplished,
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  Speaker 1: mister Piggin begged the company would be his guests for
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  Speaker 1: a third round, and then excused himself on the plea
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  Speaker 1: of customers to attend to. He went in and Lord Peter,
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  Speaker 1: by skillful and maddeningly slow degrees, began to work his
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  Speaker 1: way back to the history of the Dawson family. Parker,
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  Speaker 1: educated at Barrow in Furness Grammar School, and with his
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  Speaker 1: wits further sharpened in the London Police Service, endeavor now
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  Speaker 1: and again to get matters along faster by a brisk question.
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  Speaker 1: The result every time was to make mister Cobling lose
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  Speaker 1: the thread of his remarks and start him off into
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  Speaker 1: a series of interminable side tracks. Whimsy kicked his friend
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  Speaker 1: viciously on the ankle bone, and with endless patience worked
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  Speaker 1: the conversation back to the main road again. At the
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  Speaker 1: end of an hour or so, mister Cobling explained that
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  Speaker 1: his wife could tell them a great deal more about
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  Speaker 1: miss Dawson than what he could, and invited them to
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  Speaker 1: visit his cottage, this invitation being accepted with alacrity, the
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  Speaker 1: party started off, mister Cobling explaining to Parker that he
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  Speaker 1: was eighty seven, come next, michaelmas and hearty, still indeed
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  Speaker 1: stronger than he appeared, bar the rheumatics that troubled him.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not saying as I'm not bent, said mister Cobling.
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  Speaker 1: But that's more the work of the OSSes. Regular lived
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  Speaker 1: with OSSes all My life looks so fretful. Charles murmured,
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  Speaker 1: whimsy in his ear. It must be the tea at breakfast.
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  Speaker 1: It frets the coats of the stomach. Missus Cobling turned
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  Speaker 1: out to be a delightful old lady, exactly like a
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  Speaker 1: dried up Pippin, and only two years younger than her husband.
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  Speaker 1: She was entranced at getting an opportunity to talk about
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  Speaker 1: her darling. Miss Agatha Parker, thinking it necessary to put
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  Speaker 1: forward some reason for the inquiry, started on an involved
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  Speaker 1: explanation and was kicked again to Missus Cobling. Nothing could
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  Speaker 1: be more natural than that all the world should be
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  Speaker 1: interested in the Dawsons, And she prattled gaily on without prompting.
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  Speaker 1: She had been in the Dawson family service as a girl,
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  Speaker 1: almost born into it, as you might say, hadn't her
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  Speaker 1: mother been housekeeper to mister Henry Dawson. Miss Agatha's papa
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  Speaker 1: and to his father before him. She herself had gone
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  Speaker 1: to the big house at still Room made when she
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  Speaker 1: wasn't but fifteen. That was when Miss Harriet was only
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  Speaker 1: three years old. Her as afterwards married mister James Whittaker. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: and she'd been there when the rest of the family
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  Speaker 1: was born. Mister stephen him as should have been the heir,
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  Speaker 1: ah dear. Only the trouble came and that killed his
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  Speaker 1: poor father and there was nothing left, Yes, a sad business,
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  Speaker 1: that was. Poor mister Henry speculated with something missus Cobling
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  Speaker 1: wasn't clear what, but it was all very wicked and
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  Speaker 1: happened in London, where there were so many wicked people.
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  Speaker 1: And the long and short was he lost it all,
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  Speaker 1: poor gentleman, and never held up his head again. Only
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  Speaker 1: fifty four he was when he died, such a fine,
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  Speaker 1: upright gentleman with a pleasant word for everybody. And his
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  Speaker 1: wife didn't live long after him, Poor Lamb. She was
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  Speaker 1: a frenchwoman and a sweet lady, but she was lonely
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  Speaker 1: in England, having no family, and her two sisters walled
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  Speaker 1: up alive in one of them dreadful Romish convents. And
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  Speaker 1: what did mister Stephen do when the money went asked?
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  Speaker 1: Whimsy him? Oh, he went into business. A strange thing,
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  Speaker 1: that did seem. Though I have heard tell as old
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  Speaker 1: Barnabas Dawson, mister Henry's grandfather that was, was not but
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  Speaker 1: a grocer or something of that. And they do say, dolt,
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  Speaker 1: they that from shirt sleeves to shirt sleeves is three generations. Still,
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  Speaker 1: it was very hard on mister Stephen, as had always
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  Speaker 1: been brought up to have everything of the best, and
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  Speaker 1: engaged to be married to a beautiful lady too, and
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  Speaker 1: a very rich heiress. But it was all for the best,
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  Speaker 1: for when she heard mister Stephen was a poor man
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  Speaker 1: after all, she threw him over, and that showed she
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  Speaker 1: had no heart in her at all. Mister Stephen never
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  Speaker 1: married till he was over forty, and then it was
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  Speaker 1: a lady with no family at all, not lawful, that is,
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  Speaker 1: though she was a dear, sweet girl, and made mister
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  Speaker 1: Stephen the most splendid wife. She did indeed, and mister
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  Speaker 1: John he was their only son. They thought the world
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  Speaker 1: of him. It was a terrible day when the news
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  Speaker 1: came that he was killed in the war. A cruel
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  Speaker 1: business that was, sir, wasn't it? And nobody the better
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  Speaker 1: for it, as I can see. But all these shocking
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  Speaker 1: hard taxes and the price of everything gone up, and
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  Speaker 1: so many out of work. So he was killed. That
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  Speaker 1: must have been a terrible grief to his parents, yes, sir, terrible. Oh,
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  Speaker 1: it was an awful thing altogether, sir. For poor mister Stephen,
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  Speaker 1: as had had so much trouble all his life, he
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  Speaker 1: went out of his poor mind and shot hisself out
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  Speaker 1: of his mind. He must have been, sir to do it.
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  Speaker 1: And what was more dreadful still, he shot his dear
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  Speaker 1: lady as well. You may remember it, sir. There was
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  Speaker 1: pieces about it in the paper. I seem to have
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  Speaker 1: some vague recollection of it, said Peter, quite untruthfully, but
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  Speaker 1: anxious not to seem to be little. The local tragedy
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  Speaker 1: and young John he wasn't married, I suppose, no, sir.
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  Speaker 1: That was very sad too. He was engaged to a
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  Speaker 1: young lady, a nurse in one of the English hospitals,
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  Speaker 1: as we understood, and he was hoping to get back
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  Speaker 1: and be married to her on his next leave. Everything
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  Speaker 1: did seem to go all wrong together them terrible years.
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  Speaker 1: The old lady sighed and wiped her eyes. Mister Stephen
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  Speaker 1: was the only son then, well not exactly, sir. There
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  Speaker 1: was the Darling twins, such pretty children, but they only
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  Speaker 1: lived two days. They come four years after Miss Harriet
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  Speaker 1: her As married mister James Whittaker. Yes, of course, that
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  Speaker 1: was how the families became connected. Yes, Sir, Miss Agatha
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  Speaker 1: and Miss Harriet and Miss Clara Whittaker was at the
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  Speaker 1: same school together, and missus Whittaker asked the two young
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  Speaker 1: ladies to go and spend their holidays with Miss Clara.
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  Speaker 1: And that was when mister James fell in love with
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  Speaker 1: Miss Harriet. She wasn't as pretty as Miss Agatha to
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  Speaker 1: my thinking, but she was livelier and quicker. And then,
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  Speaker 1: of course Miss Agatha was never one for flirting and foolishness.
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  Speaker 1: Often she used to say to me Betty, she said,
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  Speaker 1: I mean to be an old maid, and so does
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  Speaker 1: Miss Clara, and we are going to live together and
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  Speaker 1: be ever so happy without any stupid, tiresome gentleman. And
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  Speaker 1: so it turned out, sir, as you know, for miss Agatha,
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  Speaker 1: for all she was so quiet, was very determined. Once
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  Speaker 1: she said a thing, you couldn't turn her from it,
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  Speaker 1: not with reasons, nor with threats, nor with coaxings. Nothing
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  Speaker 1: many the time I've tried. When she was a child,
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  Speaker 1: for I used to give a little help in the nursery. Sometimes, Sir,
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  Speaker 1: you might drive her into a temper or into the sulks,
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  Speaker 1: but you couldn't make her change her little mind. Even then,
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  Speaker 1: there came to Whimsy's mind the picture of the stricken,
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  Speaker 1: helpless old woman holding to her own way in spite
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  Speaker 1: of her lawyer's reasoning and her niece's subterfuge. A remarkable
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  Speaker 1: old lady, certainly in her way. I suppose the Dawson
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  Speaker 1: family has practically died out. Then he said, oh, yes, sir,
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  Speaker 1: there's only miss Mary now, and she's a Whittaker. Of course.
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  Speaker 1: She is Miss Harriet's granddaughter and mister Charles Whittaker's only child.
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  Speaker 1: She was left all alone too when she went to
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  Speaker 1: live with Miss Dawson. Mister Charles and his wife was
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  Speaker 1: killed in one of these dreadful motors. Dear, dear, it
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  Speaker 1: seemed we was fated to have nothing but one tragedy
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  Speaker 1: after another. Just to think of Ben and me outliving
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  Speaker 1: them all. Cheer up, mother, said Ben, laying his hand
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  Speaker 1: on hers. The Lord have been wonderful good to us
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  Speaker 1: that ye have three sons, We have, sir, and two daughters,
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  Speaker 1: and fourteen grandchildren and three great grandchildren. Maybe you'd like
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  Speaker 1: to see their pictures, sir. Lord Peter said he should
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  Speaker 1: like to very much, and Parker made confirmatory noises. The
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  Speaker 1: life histories of all the children and descendants were detailed
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  Speaker 1: at suitable length. Whenever a pause seemed discernible, Parker would mutter, hopefully,
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  Speaker 1: in Whimsy's ear, how about cousin hallelujah? But before a
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  Speaker 1: question could be put, the interminable family chronicle was resumed,
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  Speaker 1: and for God's sake, Charles whispered Peter savagely when missus
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  Speaker 1: Cobling had risen to hunt for the shawl which grandson
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  Speaker 1: William had sent home from the Dardanelles, don't keep saying
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  Speaker 1: hallelujah at me. I am not a revival meeting the
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: shawl being duly admired, the conversation turned upon foreign parts,
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  Speaker 1: natives and black people generally, following on which Lord Peter added, carelessly,
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  Speaker 1: and by the way, hasn't the Dawson family got some
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  Speaker 1: sort of connections in these foreign countries somewhere. Well, yes,
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  Speaker 1: said missus Cobling, in rather a shocked tone. There had
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  Speaker 1: been mister Paul, mister Henry's brother, but he was not
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  Speaker 1: mentioned much. He had been a terrible shock to his family,
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  Speaker 1: in fact, a gasp here and a lowering of the voice.
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  Speaker 1: He had turned papist and become a monk. Had he
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  Speaker 1: become a murderer, apparently he could hardly have done worse.
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  Speaker 1: Mister Henry had always blamed himself very much in the matter.
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  Speaker 1: How was it his fault? Well, of course mister Henry's wife,
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  Speaker 1: my dear mistress. You see, sir, she was French, as
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  Speaker 1: I told you, and of course she was a papist,
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  Speaker 1: being brought up that way, she wouldn't know any better
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  Speaker 1: naturally than She was very young when she married. But
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  Speaker 1: mister Henry soon taught her to be a Christian, and
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  Speaker 1: she put away her idolatrous ideas and went to the
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  Speaker 1: parish church. But mister Paul he fell in love with
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  Speaker 1: one of her sisters, and the sister had been vowed
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  Speaker 1: to religion, as they called it, and had shut herself
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  Speaker 1: up in a nunnery. And then mister Paul had broken
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  Speaker 1: his heart and gone over to the scarlet woman, and
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  Speaker 1: again the pause and the hush became a monk, a
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  Speaker 1: terrible to do it made, and he'd lived to be
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  Speaker 1: a very old man. And for all Missus Cobling knew
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  Speaker 1: was living, yet still in the error of his ways.
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  Speaker 1: If he's alive, murmured Parker, he's probably the real heir.
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  Speaker 1: He'd be Akatha Dawson's uncle and her nearest relation. Whimsy
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  Speaker 1: frowned and returned to the charge. Well it couldn't have
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  Speaker 1: been Paul I had in mind, he said, because this
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  Speaker 1: sort of relation of miss Agatha Dawson's that I heard
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  Speaker 1: about was a real foreigner, in fact, a very dark
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  Speaker 1: complexioned man, almost a black man, or so I was told.
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  Speaker 1: Black cried the old lady. Oh no, sir, that couldn't
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  Speaker 1: be unless, dear Lord a mercy. It couldn't be that, surely, Ben,
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: do you think it could be that old Simon? You know?
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: Ben shook his head. I never heard tell much about him,
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  Speaker 1: nor nobody did, replied Missus Copling. Energetically, he was a
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  Speaker 1: long way back, but they had tales of him in
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  Speaker 1: the family. Wicked Simon, they called him. He sailed away
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  Speaker 1: to the Indies many years ago and nobody knew what
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  Speaker 1: became of him. Wouldn't it be a thing like if
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  Speaker 1: he was to have married a black wife out of
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  Speaker 1: them parts? And this was his, oh dear, his grandson,
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  Speaker 1: it'd have to be, if not his great grandson, for
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  Speaker 1: he was mister Henry's uncle. And that's a long time ago.
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  Speaker 1: This was disappointing. A grandson of Old Simon's would surely
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  Speaker 1: be too distant a relative to dispute Mary Whittaker's title. However,
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  Speaker 1: that's very interesting, said Whimsey. Was it the East Indies
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  Speaker 1: or the West Indies he went to? I wonder missus
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  Speaker 1: Cobling didn't know, but she believed it was something to
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  Speaker 1: do with America. It's a pity as mister Proben ain't
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  Speaker 1: in England any longer. He could have told you more
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  Speaker 1: about the family than what I can, But he retired
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  Speaker 1: last year and went away to It or some such place.
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  Speaker 1: Who was he? He was Miss Whittaker's solicitor, said Ben.
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  Speaker 1: And he managed all Miss Dawson's business to a nice
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  Speaker 1: gentleman he was, but uncommon sharp ha ha, never gave
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  Speaker 1: nothing away. But that's lawyers all the world over. Added
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  Speaker 1: he shrewdly take all and give nothing. Did he live
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  Speaker 1: in Crofton, No, sir, over in craft Over Magna, twelve
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  Speaker 1: miles from here. Pointer and wink And have his business now.
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  Speaker 1: But they're young men, and I don't know much about them.
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  Speaker 1: Having by this time heard all the Coplings had to tell,
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: Whimsey and Parker gradually disentangled themselves and took their leave. Well, cousin,
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  Speaker 1: Hallelujah's a wash out, said Parker. Possibly, possibly not. There
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  Speaker 1: may be some connection still. I certainly think the disgraceful
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  Speaker 1: and papistical mister Paul is more promising. Obviously, mister Probin
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  Speaker 1: is the bird to get hold of. You realize who
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  Speaker 1: he is. He's the mysterious solicitor. I suppose, of course
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: he is. He knows why miss Dawson ought to have
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: made a will, And we are going straight off to
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: croft Over Magna and look up Maysier Pointer and Winkin
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: and see what they have to say about it. Unhappily,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: Monsieur Pointer and Wincoln had nothing to say whatever. Miss
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: Dawson had withdrawn her affairs from mister Probin's hands and
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: had lodged all the papers with her new solicitor, Maysier
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: Pointer and Wincoln had never had any connection with the
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: Dawson family. They had no object, however, to furnishing mister
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: Probin's address the Abianca Fiesole. They regretted that they could
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: be of no further assistance to Lord Peter Whimsey and
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: mister Parker. Good morning, short and sour, was his lordship's comment. Well, well,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: we'll have a spot of lunch and write a letter
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: to mister Probin and another to my good friend Bishop
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: Lambert of the Orinoco mission to get a line on cousin. Hallelujah, smiles,
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: mile smile. As Ingoldsby says, the breezes are blowing. A race,
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: a race, the breezes are blowing. We near the chase,
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: do you, ken, John Peel? Likewise know'st thou the land
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: where blooms the citron flower? Well, never mind, if you don't,
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: you can always look forward to going there for your honey.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: End of Chapter twelve,