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3 Signs Your Effort to Be a "Good Mom" Is Sabotaging The Connection With Your Child · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Trying hard to be a good mom and actually connecting with your child use two very different parts of the brain.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, the harder you try to be a good mom, the less connected your child will feel to you because you're using the part of your brain required for achievement, not connection.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Kate Kripke.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent past 20 years helping moms strengthen their connection with their children.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm gonna share three signs that your connection might be suffering right now and what you can do about it.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the first sign hard moments with your kiddo send you straight into fix it mode.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: The moment your child gets upset, your brain gets busy.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: What do they need?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: How do I make it better?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: What is the right thing to do?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: From the outside, problem solving looks like good parenting.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: You are paying attention, you're engaged, you're trying to help.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And most parenting advice tells you to do exactly this.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: But in my 20 years of work, this is one of the most common patterns that I see high achieving moms getting stuck in.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: The instinct to fix is so strong.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it comes from love, of course, but the moment needs something very different.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: When we're in fix it mode, we're often so focused on finding the right response or the right thing to do that we lose touch with the relationship happening right in front of us.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Your child doesn't need you to have the perfect answer.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: They need you to be with them.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the urge to fix comes from love, yes, but connection begins with presence.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So consider this.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: When your child gets upset, does your brain immediately start searching for the right thing to do?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: If so, you are definitely not alone.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: But it is important to know that this instinctive habit is actually getting in the way of connection.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: The second sign is a little more subtle, but I see it all the time also.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sign two is this unstructured time with your child feels hard.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Can you relate to that?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Bath time, a routine, a clear plan for the afternoon, these moments probably feel easier, but free play, an open Saturday, sitting on the floor with your child when they lead the play, those moments can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Most high-achieving moms think it means they're not playful.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that's what's happening here.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: You see, the part of your brain that likes to be productive, let's call it achievement brain, loves structure and goals and knowing what success looks like.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: The part of your brain that helps you connect, let's call it connection brain, it asks for something different.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: It asks us to slow down, to stay present, and to let go of the need to get the moment right.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I see this all the time with high achieving mothers.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: The structured moments feel easier.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: The moments that simply ask you to be with your child often feel so much harder.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that leads to the third sign that you might be missing the moments to really connect.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Before I go any farther, if this is landing for you, go ahead and subscribe.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I put out one video every week right here on the neuroscience behind calm and connection and secure attachment.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this is exactly the kind of thing that we talk about right here.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the third sign is this.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your child reaches for you after your effort to try it and get it right ends.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever noticed that?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: You've just spent the last 10 minutes trying really hard.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're trying to stop a tantrum, trying to get your child to be more easy through a transition, or trying to say all the right things.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then almost the moment you stop trying so hard, your child reaches for you.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: They climb into your lap, they ask you to play, they lean in for a hug.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: At first glance, it can feel totally random, but I don't think it is.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Your child has been responding to your nervous system this whole time.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And they can feel the difference between a mom who's trying really hard to get the moment right and a mom who's simply present with them.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Over the past 20 years, I have seen this over and over and over again.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: When a mother's nervous system settles, her child often becomes more available for connection.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not because she found the perfect parenting strategy, but because she shifted out of achievement brain, again, that part of the brain that's overly focused on getting it right, and back into connection brain.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: The part of the brain that shows up when we stop trying and simply become present.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the last time your child reached for you unexpectedly.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: What had shifted in you just before that moment?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's a good chance you had stopped trying so hard and were simply there.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's the place where connection grows.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, what the heck do you do with this?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: The answer, of course, is not to stop putting in effort.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it isn't to care less.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: But the goal is simply to notice which part of your brain is leading.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And let's be honest, there is plenty of need for problem solving in parenting.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: But we don't want to fix before we connect.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: We need, in other words, to connect before we control.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time, truly it is that simple.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's that act of connecting that our kiddo really needs anyway.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And once they feel that connection, their distress begins to subside without any problem solving on our end at all.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So the next time your child comes to you distressed, just pause for a moment.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Take one slow breath and ask yourself, am I trying to fix this or am I simply here?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or even am I an achievement brain or connection brain?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you notice that you're an achievement brain, please don't judge yourself.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is exactly what high-achieving women are wired to do.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, take one more breath.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Let your shoulders soften, feel your feet on the ground.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to have the perfect response.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: You simply need to help your nervous system settle down so that you can be present with your child.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's what I've known after 20 years of doing this work.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Your child doesn't need you to take away their struggle.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And they definitely don't need you to be the perfect mom.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: They just need you to be a present one.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: They need you to be there with them while they feel what they're feeling.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the more you can shift from achievement brain into connection brain, the more opportunities you create for that kind of secure connected relationship.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that that is what you want.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if this resonated with you, I think you will also enjoy my video on why so much parenting advice accidentally increases anxiety instead of building connection.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And in that video, I explain exactly what creates secure attachment, and it's probably different from what you have been told.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: The link is right here.