Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #433 Caught in the Act

Transcript

#433 Caught in the Act · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Family's podcast.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Because if you wait for the perfect moment to arrive,
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  Speaker 2: it just itIt never does. Family life just will consume you.
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  Speaker 3: Oh boy, I'm a little bit nervous.
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  Speaker 1: I'm very nervous about recording this podcast episode with you,
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  Speaker 1: missus Coulson. Caught in the Act is the name of
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  Speaker 1: the episode, Court in the Act, And you know what
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  Speaker 1: we mean by the act, and you know what we
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  Speaker 1: mean by court, don't you.
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  Speaker 3: Guys.
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  Speaker 1: Sebastian was recently in the news confessing owning up to
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  Speaker 1: the fact that one of his kids sprung him and Jules,
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  Speaker 1: his wife in a moment of private and intimate connection,
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  Speaker 1: shall we say, Kylie, He wouldn't be.
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  Speaker 2: The first and he definitely won't be the last.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I was thinking about it, and I was thinking, So,
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  Speaker 1: there's a relationship, think between the number of kids you
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  Speaker 1: have and the likelihood of getting caught. And that relationship
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  Speaker 1: exists for two reasons, right, First of all, if you've
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  Speaker 1: got more kids, that means that you're probably having more
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  Speaker 1: intimate moments because or at least you used to. But
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  Speaker 1: more kids means that there is a lot of intimacy
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  Speaker 1: going on there, right, But also more kids, means more
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  Speaker 1: chance of being sprung because there's more people in the
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  Speaker 1: house than more people who could potentially.
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  Speaker 3: Open the door at any hour of the day, even
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  Speaker 3: when you think you're.
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  Speaker 2: Safe, Well, can I just say number one tip if
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  Speaker 2: you can get a lock.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's right. But even so we've got a lock,
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  Speaker 3: and yet we have had times.
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  Speaker 2: Where they've actually gone and got a butter knife.
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  Speaker 3: And done the lock.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, although that gave us plenty of time to not
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  Speaker 1: get caught. But I was thinking, I remember, just a
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  Speaker 1: few years ago, our eldest daughter moved out, married. I
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  Speaker 1: took half a day off and we were spending some
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  Speaker 1: high quality time together. We were in the bedroom, the door
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  Speaker 1: was closed. We had no idea that our eldest daughter
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  Speaker 1: was going to drive past our house. Decided to call
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  Speaker 1: in and instead of knocking on the door and saying
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  Speaker 1: or walking into the house and saying, hey, is anyone home,
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  Speaker 1: she knew that the car was there, and so she
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  Speaker 1: just walked into the bedroom. And it was the middle
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  Speaker 1: of the day, so we hadn't locked the door, and
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  Speaker 1: she walked in and sort of she stood there for
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  Speaker 1: about two seconds, and we had no idea that she
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  Speaker 1: was in the house. I think that it's fair to
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  Speaker 1: say that that was we were exposed.
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  Speaker 2: The funniest thing about that was that, obviously at her
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  Speaker 2: age and being married, she one hundred percent knew what
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  Speaker 2: was going on, and the look on her face.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I didn't see the look on her face because
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  Speaker 1: I was I was scrambling for the sheets on the
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  Speaker 1: other side of.
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  Speaker 3: The bed, and I didn't see any of that.
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  Speaker 1: I can't believe that we're exposing this on our podcast.
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  Speaker 1: Did you end up talking to her about that?
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  Speaker 3: I didn't.
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  Speaker 2: We have always had a very very open relationship with
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  Speaker 2: Chanelle in our conversations.
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  Speaker 3: But did you talk about that?
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  Speaker 1: Did you say, look about what you just saw or
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  Speaker 1: did you just have you had a conversation?
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  Speaker 3: I mean that was that was a while ago.
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  Speaker 2: We did have a conversation about it. I don't remember
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  Speaker 2: the extent of the conversation, but I do remember we
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  Speaker 2: had a lot of laughs.
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  Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, And that's that's fine with that. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: not that you want your adult child to walk in.
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  Speaker 1: But we've had a couple of other incidences.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know how far we should go. Do you
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  Speaker 3: do you want to do you want to share any
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  Speaker 3: others or do you think that's enough?
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  Speaker 2: Oh, look, I think I think the most exposed I
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  Speaker 2: felt was one night when you and I were together
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  Speaker 2: and the kids were all asleep, and our six year
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  Speaker 2: old at the time.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was like eleven o'clock at night. She'd been
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  Speaker 1: asleep for hours.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, she she had a bit of a nightmare, and
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  Speaker 2: so she kind of toddled into our room and and
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  Speaker 2: we obviously were very, very still and thought that she
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  Speaker 2: might turn around and go back to her bed. But
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  Speaker 2: what her usual trick is is that she literally clambers
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  Speaker 2: over the top of me because I'm closest to the door,
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  Speaker 2: and squeezes her body in between us. So you and
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  Speaker 2: I have done a complete and utter Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I rolled across to the other side the bed and put
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  Speaker 1: my back to the middle immediately, as did I.
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  Speaker 2: So she's now between us with our backs to her.
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  Speaker 2: And she will always snuggle. She's a snuggler, So it
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  Speaker 2: wasn't just about getting into my's bed. She wanted to
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  Speaker 2: snuggle up to me. And as she's done so, she's
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  Speaker 2: realized that she's touching bear skin, and I felt her
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  Speaker 2: kind of her hand just gingerly touched different parts of
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  Speaker 2: my shoulder, my back, and then she went down and
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  Speaker 2: touched my bottom and she was like she realized.
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  Speaker 3: That, well you were.
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  Speaker 1: She didn't go near me, but I'm pretty sure she said, mummy,
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  Speaker 1: why don't you have any clothes on or something like that.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, So I then talk proceeded to tell her that
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  Speaker 2: it was a very hot night, which it was anyway.
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  Speaker 1: So what do we do when our kids catch us
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  Speaker 1: in the act? Do we have conversations about it? How
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  Speaker 1: do we navigate this? And perhaps another important discussion that
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  Speaker 1: could help Guy Sebastian as much as any other parent
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  Speaker 1: who has this experience and doesn't have the lock locked,
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  Speaker 1: even if they've got a lock on the door, is
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  Speaker 1: how do you carve out time for intimacy in your
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  Speaker 1: relationship when you do have kids and they don't quite
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  Speaker 1: understand what a closed door could mean. We're going to
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  Speaker 1: talk about all of that right after the break as
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  Speaker 1: we go and take a cold shower and recover from
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  Speaker 1: this conversation. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 3: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy families
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  Speaker 3: dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: Poor Parent who just wants Answers now and today.
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  Speaker 3: We are embarrassing ourselves.
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  Speaker 2: Whats when you get caught?
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  Speaker 1: So, Kylie, you've already mentioned a couple of things, the
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  Speaker 1: main one being get a lock.
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  Speaker 3: But if we're going to help to.
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  Speaker 1: Ensure that our children do not stumble upon developmentally inappropriate
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  Speaker 1: content as they walk into the room and see us together,
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  Speaker 1: and when I say us, I'm talking about parents. I'm
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  Speaker 1: not talking about you and I anymore, just just just
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  Speaker 1: families generally, probably a handful of things that we need
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  Speaker 1: to talk about. The first thing that really stands out
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  Speaker 1: to me is just teaching kids to knock and to
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  Speaker 1: respect that when a door is closed, that is a
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  Speaker 1: it means that somebody may be wanting privacy.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that that's a really important one because
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  Speaker 2: whether it regardless of whether it's you know, your parents'
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  Speaker 2: bedroom or your sister's bedroom, or your brother's bedroom or
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  Speaker 2: nanny's bedroom, you know, those are private spaces and if
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  Speaker 2: a door's shut, it means that they're actually they're actually
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  Speaker 2: sending you a sign that they need some time alone.
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  Speaker 2: And so you know, over the years, we've really really
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  Speaker 2: encouraged our kids to if the doors shut, you know,
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  Speaker 2: you need to knock, and for the most part, they
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  Speaker 2: generally have been quite responsive to that. But it also
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  Speaker 2: means having your door open as much as possible as well,
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  Speaker 2: so that they recognize and know that you know, you're
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  Speaker 2: not closed to them being in your life and in
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  Speaker 2: your personal space.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, open door policy is ideal because that way you
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  Speaker 1: can highlight if the door's closed, that means that there's
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  Speaker 1: something going on in that room that people want privacy for.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe they're getting changed, Maybe they're in the middle of
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  Speaker 1: trying to finish their favorite book and they just don't
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  Speaker 1: want to be disturbed because they've got one chapter to go.
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  Speaker 3: But if the door's.
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  Speaker 2: Clean, mummy and daddy are having a conversation that's just
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  Speaker 2: for adults only.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, or doing other things, and that's why they need
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  Speaker 1: to knock on the door. That's important, But I think
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  Speaker 1: that we need to also talk about how to talk
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  Speaker 1: about it when the kids do, from time to time
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  Speaker 1: catch us in catch us as parents in a moment
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  Speaker 1: of intimacy. Something that we were talking about as we
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  Speaker 1: were planning out what we were going to discuss today
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  Speaker 1: was just the value of making sure that children understand
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  Speaker 1: that intimacy, physical intimacy can be should be ideally is
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  Speaker 1: something that's really good and it's not something to be
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  Speaker 1: ashamed about, but it needs to be in the right time,
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  Speaker 1: the right place, right person, right reasons.
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  Speaker 3: All that kind of thing. Shouldn't be any shame around this.
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  Speaker 1: It's a perfectly normal, natural, healthy thing for people to
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  Speaker 1: involve themselves in and to be doing.
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  Speaker 3: That's how babies are made.
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  Speaker 2: I think. I think the more we can talk to
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  Speaker 2: our kids about sex and intimacy in general, and the
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  Speaker 2: more comfortable we are about having those conversations, the less
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  Speaker 2: uncomfortable we will be if we find ourselves in a
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  Speaker 2: situation where the kids walk in on us. You know,
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  Speaker 2: having those conversations from an early age is really important.
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  Speaker 2: Our kids have access to stuff that we never had
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  Speaker 2: access to as children their age, and so they're going
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  Speaker 2: to find out about this stuff whether we talk to
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  Speaker 2: them or not.
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  Speaker 1: Most of the stuff they're going to find online is
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  Speaker 1: not wholesome, and they need to hear it from from
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  Speaker 1: us rather than from online sources. Pornography is are number
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  Speaker 1: one educator about sex and intimacy, or at.
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  Speaker 3: Least physical intimacy. In the world. You and I.
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  Speaker 1: On the first Sunday of every month, we sit down
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  Speaker 1: with our kids and we have a completely open conversation.
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  Speaker 1: We just start the conver somewhere and say, today we
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  Speaker 1: thought we might talk about this, but we can answer
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  Speaker 1: any questions that you've got.
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  Speaker 3: And we normally talk for about an hour with.
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  Speaker 1: The kids about this And it's literally the first Sunday
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  Speaker 1: of every month, and the kids are learning that these
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  Speaker 1: topics are good to talk about, but they're good to
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  Speaker 1: talk about with the right people in the right context,
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  Speaker 1: the right way. So I think that that's a really vital,
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  Speaker 1: vital lesson for every family to have these conversations in
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  Speaker 1: a developmentally appropriate way. We don't actually invite our two
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  Speaker 1: littlest kids to join us with.
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  Speaker 3: Our big kids.
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  Speaker 1: We've got four kids that are fourteen and over, and
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  Speaker 1: they have a very different conversation than the two little ones,
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  Speaker 1: the seven year old and the eleven year old. Now,
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  Speaker 1: the last thing that we do need to talk about
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  Speaker 1: is how to carve out time for intimacy. Because while
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  Speaker 1: it's important for our kids to know that we have
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  Speaker 1: an affectionate physical relationship and they need to see that
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  Speaker 1: in a healthy way, we also need to have the
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  Speaker 1: private time to have the healthy physical relationship that we
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  Speaker 1: might like to have together and ten thirty at night
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  Speaker 1: when our eyes are falling out of our head, it's
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  Speaker 1: just it's not ideal. There are better times, better ways,
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  Speaker 1: better places, better ways to make that happen.
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  Speaker 2: So a couple of things that we've done to ensure
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  Speaker 2: that we're able to have the time that we need together.
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  Speaker 3: This special cuddle time.
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  Speaker 2: I've been diplomatic with a number of children we've had.
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  Speaker 2: We've had to be really really intentional about making time
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  Speaker 2: for it to happen if you wait, or making.
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  Speaker 1: It perfect and not even having the expectation though, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: like just making time for each other so that we
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  Speaker 1: can connect and so that if we get to have
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  Speaker 1: that time together, then it's wonderful and it's great, but
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  Speaker 1: if not, at least.
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  Speaker 3: We've been able to connect.
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  Speaker 1: Like I don't know that we actually explicitly turn around
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  Speaker 1: and say we need to make this a goal, this
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  Speaker 1: has to happen. It's more like, gee, we're really feeling disconnected.
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  Speaker 1: Let's be intentional about tonight having the kids have a
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  Speaker 1: sleepover with the grandparents, or let's get dinner done by
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  Speaker 1: six tonight so that the kids can all be sorted
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  Speaker 1: out by seven point thirty and we can get to
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  Speaker 1: bed early so that we can have the connection time
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  Speaker 1: that we want that may or may not lead to
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  Speaker 1: something that we're very excited about, but let's just I
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  Speaker 1: think that's probably I know I've kind of put words
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  Speaker 1: in your mouth, but I get the sense that that's
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  Speaker 1: where you're going with that intentionality and that prioritization.
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  Speaker 2: Well, definitely, because if you wait for the perfect moment
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  Speaker 2: to arrive, it never does. Family life just will consume
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  Speaker 2: you and before you know it, you've got nothing left
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  Speaker 2: for each other.
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  Speaker 1: The idea today was to give Guy Sebastian a hard
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  Speaker 1: time for getting sprung in the act. I think that
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  Speaker 1: we've actually made him feel quite safe compared to what
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  Speaker 1: we've shared. But hopefully these ideas are useful when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to trying to get the high quality intimacy that
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  Speaker 1: you're looking for in your life when you've got kids,
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  Speaker 1: because it can really be tricky. Lock the door, teach
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  Speaker 1: them to knock, have good, healthy conversations about intimacy, and.
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  Speaker 3: Carve time out for it in your own life.
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  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media.
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  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Speaking of this topic, if you're a Happy Families member,
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: We've got a webinar coming up in just a couple
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: of weeks called.
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: Better Together, Better Together.
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  Speaker 1: It's all about how we can make our partnered marriage
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: relationships happier and stronger, and how we can really connect
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  Speaker 1: in meaningful and intimate ways. It's not so much about
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: the physical intimacy, it's more about the relational intimacy. And
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: I can't wait to share it with you. I had
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: so much fun putting this workshop together. It's going to
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: be amazing. It's included in all Happy Families memberships, and
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: if you're not a member, you can still buy it.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: Just go to Happy Families dot com dot a yu