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30 | Do You Even Chuck, Bro? · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Eric: So, Matt.
• 0:01
  Eric: Yeah.
• 0:02
  Eric: I have been on a journey.
• 0:05
  Eric: Oh, a spiritual one?
• 0:07
  Eric: No, on Netflix.
• 0:08
  Eric: Oh.
• 0:11
  Eric: So I finally got around to watching a show that I saw was massively popular for years and like a huge following, still has a huge following.
• 0:23
  Eric: I think I know where this is going.
• 0:25
  Eric: The world's most extraordinary homes.
• 0:29
  Eric: Uh I let me put it this way.
• 0:33
  Eric: Yeah.
• 0:34
  Eric: This show has nine seasons, and in the past four or five weeks, I've blasted through six of them.
• 0:45
  Matt: Oh, okay.
• 0:46
  Matt: That's a true, true binge.
• 0:48
  Eric: Each season is 26 episodes long.
• 0:51
  Eric: Full seasons, okay.
• 0:53
  Eric: I'm I'm uh interesting.
• 0:54
  Eric: I'm gonna be real with you.
• 0:55
  Eric: I went in with preconceptions, like I was ready to just have a certain perspective about the shows.
• 1:01
  Eric: Like, okay, let me let me see what the show is like it's fucking deep, it's funny, it gets philosophical, like it has made me cry.
• 1:11
  Eric: I'm I'm and when I tell you what it is, like I'm gonna tell you right now, like the show has unironically made me cry.
• 1:18
  Eric: I can't wait.
• 1:19
  Eric: I'm talking, of course, about Naruto.
• 1:23
  Eric: Naruto?
• 1:24
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:25
  Eric: Naruto.
• 1:26
  Matt: Naruto is that Naruto.
• 1:28
  Matt: It's actually uh the but the that's the word because that's the run, right?
• 1:32
  Matt: Huh?
• 1:32
  Eric: Yeah, oh yeah.
• 1:34
  Matt: The meme run from two years ago.
• 1:35
  Eric: Which I will which for any of our listeners, uh, if you're familiar with Naruto running, um, it's where you sprint dead dead with your arms like stretched out behind you like you're a ninja.
• 1:44
  Eric: It's an anime about ninja children.
• 1:46
  Eric: Um Well, I'm glad I know how to say it now.
• 1:48
  Eric: And I've learned a lot about uh about life, friendship, and the way of the shinobi.
• 1:53
  Eric: Um, but fun fact, Naruto doesn't Naruto run until like fourth season.
• 2:02
  Matt: Okay.
• 2:02
  Eric: A lot of other people run like that, but Naruto himself does not run like that until season four.
• 2:09
  Matt: Well, all I know is that this run became popular at like the zenith of Fortnite.
• 2:18
  Matt: That is that is all I know about this, and somebody did it in the background of a newscast and it like took off.
• 2:26
  Matt: It was a burning man, I think.
• 2:27
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 2:29
  Eric: I know exactly what clip you're talking about.
• 2:31
  Matt: Right.
• 2:31
  Matt: So I know nothing about this show.
• 2:33
  Matt: I didn't even know how to say the man's name.
• 2:35
  Matt: So, so this is philosophical, yeah, it's heartwarming, teach you about friendship, friend teaches about friendship, teaches you, teaches you about how to how to throw a ninja star real good.
• 2:48
  Eric: It's fucking wild because like they open up like every single fight in this show opens the same way with someone sprinting at another person and like they're just throwing a ninja star at them.
• 3:00
  Eric: Out of out of hundreds of ninja star throws I have seen in this show, I think exactly one of them has ever hit another human being.
• 3:08
  Eric: Like it's never I don't even know why they bother using that.
• 3:10
  Eric: Like, we're talking about ninjas who can summon kaiju and like they can make like a thousand clones of themselves, and their clones can start beating you up.
• 3:19
  Eric: Oh, one dude, one dude vomits swords.
• 3:22
  Eric: He vomits swords and fights with the sword coming out of his esophagus.
• 3:26
  Matt: Um, this isn't an eclectic set of superpowers.
• 3:30
  Eric: It's it's the Dragon Ball Z of ninjas.
• 3:32
  Eric: Like it's oh my goodness.
• 3:34
  Eric: It's made by the same, like gen, it was published by the same company.
• 3:38
  Eric: Um what other what other great yeah, it's it's a world where like they have computers and shit.
• 3:43
  Eric: It's like the 90s here, but there's no guns.
• 3:46
  Eric: It's just ninjas.
• 3:48
  Matt: And they can't hit anything.
• 3:49
  Matt: They've got that stormtrooper aim.
• 3:51
  Matt: Is that what you say?
• 3:52
  Eric: With no one, they're their aim is always dead on, but there's always gonna be like a second ninja star coming out of the dark to hit it, and then a character steps out of the shadows, and you're like, Oh shit, Sasuke, you're back.
• 4:03
  Eric: Are you still evil?
• 4:04
  Eric: And he'll be like, Hey, what's up?
• 4:05
  Eric: I'm here to help my friends.
• 4:06
  Eric: Like, oh, I guess you're not evil right now, but you're gonna be evil again in a little bit.
• 4:10
  Eric: He's like, Yeah, no, don't worry.
• 4:11
  Eric: I I got a real troubled past, so my allegiances are tenuous at best.
• 4:15
  Matt: And so every episode starts with one of these fights?
• 4:18
  Eric: No, every fight starts with just the like the milked toast, useless ninja star throw.
• 4:25
  Eric: Interesting.
• 4:26
  Eric: No, uh, your average fight, you're looking at a runtime about three to four episodes.
• 4:30
  Eric: They borrowed, they they took that straight out of Dragon Ball Z playbook.
• 4:33
  Matt: Wait, so the whole episode is a fight.
• 4:35
  Eric: Oh my god, yeah.
• 4:37
  Eric: Dude, I in season three or four, I think it was, there were for five episodes straight, they were cutting back and forth between different fights that were going on over the course of these four or five episodes.
• 4:49
  Eric: One of the fights was just two people gripping each other on the shoulders with like knives in each other, and they're just waiting for the other one to die.
• 4:57
  Matt: I don't know that you're doing the best job selling the plot of this show to me.
• 5:03
  Matt: You just described a situation where a multi-episode arc was two people gripping each other with knives in their bodies, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 5:14
  Matt: Having a dialogue.
• 5:15
  Matt: Yeah.
• 5:15
  Matt: And you're telling me this is must see TV.
• 5:17
  Eric: And here's here's the selling point.
• 5:20
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 5:20
  Eric: Despite that being the material of those episodes, yes, I was riveted.
• 5:28
  Matt: Maybe that's how we should start our episodes.
• 5:30
  Eric: Oh, just fucking with knives in each other?
• 5:32
  Matt: Gripping each other, and and one of us mutters the question.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Matthew Chen.
• 5:37
  Matt: Yes.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Silence!
• 5:58
  Matt: Hello, and welcome to You Didn't Ask For This, a podcast answering life's least pressing questions.
• 6:06
  Matt: My name is Matt Shea.
• 6:08
  Eric: My name is Eric Poach.
• 6:10
  Matt: Eric, how are you?
• 6:11
  Matt: You got f full up on that Thanksgiving meal?
• 6:14
  Matt: Oh, baby.
• 6:16
  Eric: Yeah.
• 6:17
  Eric: Yeah, no, no, no.
• 6:18
  Eric: I had a kick-ass Thanksgiving.
• 6:20
  Eric: I didn't have to do shit.
• 6:21
  Eric: I just had to drive, drive 10 minutes down the street to my to where my folks live.
• 6:24
  Matt: Oh, that's the dream.
• 6:25
  Matt: That's the dream.
• 6:26
  Matt: How's that how's that how's that holiday shopping going for you?
• 6:30
  Eric: Oh, shit.
• 6:32
  Matt: Yeah.
• 6:33
  Matt: Oh, forgot all about it, did you?
• 6:35
  Eric: No, no.
• 6:35
  Eric: I I I honestly I keep I keep stressing myself and then calming down about it because I did the thing where like four or five months ago, I was like, I'm just gonna buy a bunch of stuff now.
• 6:44
  Eric: And then I keep like, oh, right, cool, cool.
• 6:46
  Matt: Every year I intend to in July, I even have a calendar event that I never follow that says, buy some Christmas gifts now, in July.
• 6:58
  Matt: Think of the ideas now.
• 6:59
  Matt: Yep.
• 6:59
  Matt: Do I do it?
• 7:01
  Matt: No, I do not.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, of course not.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: No, I do not.
• 7:04
  Matt: No, no.
• 7:05
  Matt: Uh, but you know, we uh I I got us off track right away.
• 7:07
  Matt: The next episode, this is episode, if you can believe it, Eric, this is number 30.
• 7:12
  Matt: Oh shit, 3-0! 3-0.
• 7:17
  Matt: But number 31, we will uh uh in two weeks' time, which uh if I am not mistaken is uh uh festivus, the day of festivist next time this comes out.
• 7:29
  Matt: Uh we will have some holiday questions that I, Eric, am very excited about.
• 7:36
  Matt: Very excited about.
• 7:38
  Matt: But we got some good questions right here, right now.
• 7:41
  Matt: Like right now.
• 7:43
  Matt: So uh what do you think, Eric?
• 7:44
  Matt: Should we uh should we jump right into them?
• 7:46
  Matt: You know what?
• 7:46
  Matt: I think that's a good idea.
• 7:47
  Matt: All right.
• 7:48
  Matt: Well, since with your approval, with my blessing.
• 7:51
  Matt: I will do so.
• 7:52
  Matt: Uh uh the first question here comes from at Carissa Hatfield on Instagram.
• 7:56
  Eric: Hi, Carissa.
• 7:58
  Matt: And it is a I'd say a timeless question.
• 8:01
  Matt: I'd say a question that has has bedeviled man since questions were invented.
• 8:09
  Matt: Yep.
• 8:10
  Matt: How much would would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck, would Matt, have I mentioned how fucking brave you are?
• 8:23
  Eric: Not today.
• 8:24
  Eric: And quite frankly, it's about time.
• 8:26
  Eric: Every day you just have to put on this armor.
• 8:29
  Eric: You have to fucking go out there, a warrior of the light.
• 8:34
  Eric: God damn right I do.
• 8:36
  Eric: With the woodchuck emblazoned upon your shield.
• 8:39
  Eric: Yes.
• 8:40
  Eric: Like the shittiest knight.
• 8:42
  Matt: You know, it it's funny that actually you are taking this line of questioning.
• 8:46
  Matt: Uh, but not that you were taking a line or questioning, no, but my um fantasy baseball team has been the adjective woodchucks for the last 10 years, and I changed the adjective out.
• 8:58
  Eric: Do you change it like every every new season?
• 9:00
  Matt: It's just a new adjective, at least every new season, and then I frequently frequently will change it through the season, depending on how my season's going.
• 9:09
  Matt: For example, uh, one season I went into a complete like four, five-week losing streak and changed it to free falling woodchucks.
• 9:17
  Matt: But it's been injured woodchucks, right now it's the quarantined woodchucks, uh the debased woodchucks.
• 9:26
  Matt: Exactly.
• 9:26
  Matt: So I do what I'm saying is I do have a personal connection with the woodchuck.
• 9:32
  Matt: Okay.
• 9:32
  Matt: And of course, both of us big fans of the woodchuck cider.
• 9:37
  Eric: Oh, yes.
• 9:37
  Eric: I like I would we would be remiss.
• 9:40
  Eric: And let's be clear, woodchuck cider's not paying us to say that.
• 9:44
  Eric: I fucking wish they were.
• 9:46
  Eric: Not yet, they're not.
• 9:47
  Eric: Not yet, they're not.
• 9:48
  Eric: Not yet, they're not.
• 9:50
  Eric: Have you ever had their winter cider?
• 9:52
  Eric: Fuck yeah, I've had their winter cider.
• 9:54
  Eric: It's Christmas in a bottle.
• 9:56
  Matt: It's so good.
• 9:57
  Matt: Oh my gosh.
• 9:59
  Matt: I'll tell you the one woodchuck cider.
• 10:01
  Matt: We did a great job getting off topic before we ever got on topic.
• 10:05
  Matt: Yup.
• 10:06
  Matt: But I'll tell you this real quick.
• 10:08
  Matt: The best woodchuck cider, in my opinion, and it is becoming hard to find, gumption.
• 10:15
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 10:17
  Matt: The gumption woodchuck cider.
• 10:19
  Matt: That's the one to find.
• 10:21
  Eric: Yep.
• 10:21
  Eric: That was like the that was like the primo shit.
• 10:24
  Matt: It was so it was a limited edition that they made that was so popular they made it for real.
• 10:30
  Matt: Yep.
• 10:31
  Matt: It's so so good.
• 10:32
  Matt: Go find it.
• 10:33
  Matt: But we're not talking about the woodchuck cider, are we?
• 10:36
  Matt: No, no, no, no.
• 10:37
  Matt: We're talking about a woodchuck shucking wood, and now, Eric, yeah, I have to say, this might not shock you.
• 10:46
  Eric: I'm ready.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: Did a little bit of research.
• 10:48
  Eric: Okay.
• 10:50
  Eric: I was like, I was reaching to Google things.
• 10:52
  Eric: I was like, oh, Matt's already done this.
• 10:54
  Matt: Well, so it might not surprise you to learn that the humans, being what they are, d did try to figure this out at a certain point.
• 11:04
  Matt: Okay.
• 11:04
  Matt: And now let me say this is coming from uh from Wikipedia.
• 11:10
  Eric: Uh well I was just gonna add, uh, ask me what I didn't know until the year of our Lord 2021.
• 11:16
  Eric: What's that that that woodchucks were just groundhogs?
• 11:20
  Eric: Really?
• 11:21
  Eric: Yeah, I just always thought it was like I thought it was like a weird cousin of the groundhog.
• 11:25
  Matt: You didn't realize that woodchucks and groundhogs were the same thing.
• 11:28
  Eric: Nope.
• 11:29
  Matt: Huh.
• 11:30
  Eric: Never had reason to.
• 11:32
  Eric: Never just casually run into them out here in uh good old Pasadena, Maryland.
• 11:36
  Eric: Wow.
• 11:37
  Eric: Yeah.
• 11:37
  Matt: They do in I don't know if this is true everywhere, but it is true in Maryland, specifically along 295.
• 11:43
  Matt: Uh, they love to just sit on the side of the highway and stare.
• 11:48
  Matt: Have you noticed this?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 11:50
  Matt: I see many a groundhog on 295.
• 11:52
  Matt: Anyway, that's a bit of a local uh local uh interest story.
• 11:57
  unknown: Okay.
• 11:58
  Matt: This is from Wikipedia, Eric.
• 12:00
  Matt: A more concrete answer was published by the Associated Press in 1988, which reported that a New York fish and wildlife technician named Richard Thomas, Dick Thomas on the case, had calculated the volume of dirt in a typical 25 by 30 foot uh long woodchuck burrow, and had determined that if the woodchuck had moved an equivalent volume of wood, it could move about 700 pounds on a good day with the wind daddies back.
• 12:35
  Matt: And another study, which and this is exactly what I wanted to bring up, another study which considered Chuck to be the opposite of up chucking.
• 12:46
  Matt: Oh no, determined that a woodchuck could ingest three hundred and sixty-one point nine two three seven zero zero one centimeters cubed of wood per day.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: Bro, that's a lot of wood.
• 13:02
  Matt: Okay.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's a lot of wood, bro.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: Bro, that can't be good for you.
• 13:05
  Matt: Uh 361 cubic centimeters?
• 13:08
  Matt: Is it really?
• 13:08
  Matt: It's 22 cubic inches.
• 13:10
  Eric: Bro, bro, the sap alone.
• 13:12
  Matt: I'm not a woodchuck.
• 13:13
  Matt: I don't know what I can ingest.
• 13:14
  Matt: I haven't tried.
• 13:15
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 13:15
  Eric: If I oh my god, bro, that can't be good.
• 13:18
  Matt: You're not supposed to eat that.
• 13:19
  Matt: Okay, so this is interesting because it it pulls off, it immediately dives into the first thing that I think we need to pull apart about this question.
• 13:26
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 13:27
  Matt: What is the chuck?
• 13:30
  Matt: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
• 13:34
  Eric: In my head.
• 13:36
  Matt: Tell me.
• 13:36
  Eric: I have always imagined the same thing.
• 13:39
  Eric: Every time someone says this little thing, or they I imagine them taking a piece of wood and chucking it, throwing it.
• 13:47
  Eric: Chucking, yeah.
• 13:48
  Eric: And usually for I don't know why, but for me, chucking has always involved throwing it over your shoulder behind you.
• 13:54
  Eric: Like you're just like, get out of here.
• 13:56
  Matt: Oh, interesting.
• 13:56
  Matt: I don't know if it's necessarily behind you, but I it needs to be a two-handed throw.
• 14:01
  Matt: It needs to be a two-handed throw, and it needs to involve the wood chuck going, whoa.
• 14:06
  Eric: Yeah, like it is it is like you're going for distance, you're going for speed.
• 14:12
  Matt: Here's the thing that gets me about this question, and it always has, and I'm so glad somebody has given me the platform to finally voice my opinion about this.
• 14:19
  Matt: Yeah, lay it on me.
• 14:20
  Matt: The phrasing of the question is how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
• 14:33
  Matt: This implies that it is not possible for the woodchuck groundhog to quote unquote chuck wood.
• 14:41
  Matt: So I don't think it's the opposite of up chucking, because you can ingest wood, you fucking idiot.
• 14:47
  Matt: It's a woodchuck.
• 14:49
  Matt: Yeah.
• 14:49
  Matt: Fucking who said that was that that was another study.
• 14:52
  Matt: They they they wouldn't even put their name to that study.
• 14:55
  Eric: They shouldn't eat wood.
• 14:56
  Eric: They shouldn't eat wood.
• 14:57
  Matt: I think that's their natural tendency, though.
• 14:59
  Matt: Hence the teeth.
• 15:00
  unknown: Oh man.
• 15:01
  Eric: Do they eat it or they just use it their teeth to carve it?
• 15:04
  Matt: I think they might carve it.
• 15:06
  Matt: And that but they spit it out?
• 15:11
  Matt: I don't, Eric, I don't fully know.
• 15:13
  Matt: But but the other the Dick Dick Thomas's uh Dick Thomas on the case.
• 15:18
  Matt: Yeah, Dick Thomas on the case suggesting that a groundhog is the by chucking wood, you just move it.
• 15:27
  Eric: I don't that doesn't count.
• 15:29
  Matt: I don't think that counts as doesn't count.
• 15:32
  Eric: It has to be two two pawed, two pawed, fucking concerted effort, and the wood has to leave the hand, stay airborne for any amount of time, and then hit the ground.
• 15:44
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 15:45
  Matt: It needs to be that throw needs to have an arc to it.
• 15:48
  Matt: Yeah.
• 15:49
  Matt: And uh the reason I think that is important to distinguish is because it is clearly not possible for a groundhog with those tiny little arms of theirs, tiny little baby beans, to take a log and go, what it's not happening.
• 16:04
  Matt: It's not gonna happen.
• 16:05
  Matt: Especially the way you suggest with over the show.
• 16:08
  Matt: Over the shoulder behind you.
• 16:10
  Matt: In a what was it?
• 16:11
  Matt: Yeah, get out of here fast.
• 16:13
  Eric: Get out of here like, this is not what I'm looking for.
• 16:17
  Eric: Or like some some shit.
• 16:19
  Eric: Yeah.
• 16:19
  Eric: Or like, or as if you were at like a like a fish market and like they're they're tossing, like careening the tuna at you over their shoulder so you can catch it.
• 16:28
  Eric: It's very impressive.
• 16:29
  Matt: Okay, so I did just do a quick check, and uh the the top result coming up on the old Google box, it does say the woodchuck is a herbivore, preferring tender plants to coarser bark and trees.
• 16:42
  Matt: They do not typically eat hard wood.
• 16:45
  Matt: Okay, while woodchucks do not quote unquote chuck wood, they do chuck dirt as they build underground burrows.
• 16:53
  Matt: Okay.
• 16:54
  Matt: Well, no one fucking asked about whether or not they chuck dirt.
• 16:57
  Matt: I think we've all seen it's literally called a burrow.
• 16:59
  Eric: Yeah.
• 17:00
  Matt: So obviously they chuck dirt around.
• 17:02
  Eric: Uh-oh, they're throwing dirt around like crazy.
• 17:04
  Eric: Anyway, I'm not trying to do any sort of weird fucking dirt to wood ratio.
• 17:09
  Eric: No.
• 17:10
  Eric: There is no exchange rate.
• 17:12
  Matt: Any any marmot worth its salt can throw around the fucking dirt.
• 17:18
  Eric: Yeah, Dick Thomas.
• 17:20
  Matt: Dick Thomas.
• 17:21
  Eric: You think you know woodchucks?
• 17:22
  Eric: You don't know Dick.
• 17:23
  Matt: Dick Thomas didn't claim this, I should say.
• 17:25
  Matt: It was somebody on Google.
• 17:26
  Matt: I'm gonna pretend Dick Thomas claimed it.
• 17:29
  Eric: I'm gonna let's defame.
• 17:30
  Eric: Welcome to our podcast where we defame Dick Thomas.
• 17:33
  Eric: Dick Thomas.
• 17:33
  Matt: We finally give Dick Thomas the shellacking that he deserves.
• 17:38
  Eric: Fucking groundhog king piece of shit.
• 17:42
  Matt: The groundhog king, Dick Thomas, finally gets his just desserts.
• 17:47
  Eric: Um, okay, so please do not dox Dick Thomas.
• 17:51
  Eric: He's a good man.
• 17:53
  Matt: I assume he's a good man who cares deeply about the groundhog.
• 17:57
  Matt: Oh, I should also slash woodchuck.
• 18:00
  Matt: Yeah, slash, are you ready for what the list the list of things that Wikipedia says are are what groundhogs can be referred to?
• 18:09
  Matt: Are you ready?
• 18:09
  Matt: Oh, please.
• 18:11
  Matt: Chuck, wood shock, ground pig, whistle pig, whistler, thick wood badger, canadian marmot, monyx, moodnack.
• 18:21
  Matt: Um sorry, moonnack, weenusk, red monk, land beaver, and among French Canadians in eastern Canada, syphilux.
• 18:32
  Eric: Okay, you there is no nothing in this world you can show me to prove that you didn't, like halfway through listing those names, just start naming off Pokemon.
• 18:42
  Eric: Like, there's nothing I refuse to believe that you're yeah.
• 18:47
  Matt: You can go to the groundhog Wikipedia page and look at the list I just read verbatim.
• 18:51
  Eric: Wikipedia's in the pocket of Big Poke.
• 18:53
  Eric: How dare you defame Jimmy Wales's precious.
• 18:57
  Eric: They gotta get the donation somehow because good people, viewers like us, don't donate enough, and we should.
• 19:03
  Eric: So, folks, please donate to Wikipedia.
• 19:05
  Eric: We're really concerned about our friends out there.
• 19:06
  Eric: We don't want them to have to take uh blood money from Nintendo anymore.
• 19:12
  Eric: Those Pokebucks.
• 19:13
  Eric: Anymore.
• 19:13
  Eric: It stops here.
• 19:14
  Eric: The madness stops here.
• 19:17
  Eric: Too many people have died.
• 19:19
  Matt: So we've established what chucking wood entails for our friend the woodchuck.
• 19:25
  Matt: The the the lion the syphilis, uh, as it's known to Canadians in eastern Canada.
• 19:31
  Matt: Uh so the Canadian Marmaduke.
• 19:34
  Matt: But now we get to now we get to the real creme of the question.
• 19:39
  Matt: Yep.
• 19:41
  Matt: How much wood could it chuck?
• 19:42
  Matt: If, of course, it could chuck it.
• 19:46
  Matt: Well, since it can't, I I have to say, I don't think there's any scientific uh reasoning that could explain it because they're not capable of doing the chucking.
• 19:55
  Matt: Yeah, and like it so if they could do it though, like if they could, that would imply they got big old buff arms.
• 20:01
  Eric: I'm imagining like fucking just big arms so big they could walk on them like demented little legs and like eat with their feet.
• 20:10
  Eric: It's great.
• 20:11
  Matt: Yes, that they that uh that they're they're going around on their front feet sometimes only to be like, yeah, what?
• 20:18
  Eric: Look what I can do.
• 20:19
  Eric: If if they if that was the situation for groundhogs, I guarantee I know what the new like a new name on that list would be.
• 20:25
  Eric: What?
• 20:26
  Eric: Log assassins.
• 20:27
  Eric: Log assassins.
• 20:29
  Eric: Yeah, they just come out of nowhere, you're just walking through the woods, like, yo, watch out because woodchucks are in heat, so they're just fucking throwing logs as hard as they can.
• 20:38
  Eric: Throwing these logs around the forest.
• 20:40
  Eric: It's a mating ritual.
• 20:41
  Eric: Whoever can kill the biggest human with a log gets gets get gets to mate.
• 20:47
  Eric: Wood Woodbros, they're called.
• 20:49
  Matt: Oh my god, it's like fucking Naruto.
• 20:52
  Matt: Woodbros, as they come up to you and are like, you know, do you even chuck, bro?
• 20:57
  Eric: They're yeah, they're not they're not woodchucks at that point.
• 20:59
  Eric: They're wood chads.
• 21:00
  Eric: Wood chads.
• 21:02
  Eric: Do you even chuck?
• 21:03
  Eric: And each episode starts with like throwing a log at their opponent, but then like a second log comes out of nowhere and knocking, like, oh shit.
• 21:10
  Eric: It all comes full circle.
• 21:12
  Matt: Yeah.
• 21:12
  Matt: So, okay, so let all right, so they've got big old buff arms now.
• 21:16
  Matt: Big old, big old meat hooks.
• 21:18
  Matt: And when they're in heat, they are throwing logs left and right.
• 21:22
  Matt: Get the shit out of here.
• 21:25
  Matt: What is this pine?
• 21:27
  Matt: Fuck you.
• 21:28
  Matt: Fuck this.
• 21:28
  Matt: Gets it out of there.
• 21:30
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 21:30
  Matt: I want some teak.
• 21:32
  Matt: They're just clearing paths straight through the whole trees.
• 21:36
  Matt: Just whole trees, they're breaking down saying, get the shit out of here.
• 21:39
  Matt: Yeah.
• 21:40
  Matt: And they're throwing them away like lawn darts, only it's a giant sequoia tree.
• 21:45
  Eric: Yes.
• 21:46
  Eric: And Dick, Dick Thomas is just running around just like fucking day after tomorrow.
• 21:51
  Eric: Like, why wouldn't you listen to me?
• 21:53
  Matt: Why wouldn't you have listened to me if you had just known?
• 21:56
  Matt: And the forest numbers are going down, down, down.
• 22:00
  Matt: But e there's only so much.
• 22:01
  Matt: Even a even a Dwayne Johnson shaped woodchuck could only throw so many giant sequoias in a day.
• 22:10
  Eric: Yeah, eventually he's gonna plum tucker himself out, poor little guy.
• 22:13
  Eric: Poor little guy.
• 22:14
  Eric: So plum tuckered.
• 22:16
  Matt: So I don't know.
• 22:17
  Matt: Uh I don't think there's a good scientific way to to measure this because you know, there because there isn't.
• 22:27
  Matt: They can't do it.
• 22:27
  Matt: Yeah.
• 22:28
  Matt: We're talking about a fictional reality.
• 22:29
  Eric: If they could, the question isn't how much it's the question becomes how far will they go?
• 22:36
  Matt: Oh.
• 22:37
  Eric: Like when does it end?
• 22:39
  Eric: How many people have to die?
• 22:41
  Eric: If they could chuck the wood, they wouldn't tire of chucking the wood.
• 22:45
  Eric: Is that what you're saying?
• 22:46
  Eric: They wouldn't tire of chucking the wood, I think, until they're until they're like their just rage state of being super horny just ends.
• 22:54
  Eric: Like they yeah.
• 22:56
  Matt: You know how much yes.
• 22:57
  Matt: Okay, so they got this rage state because they're in heat.
• 22:59
  Matt: Yeah.
• 23:00
  Matt: And they're chucking the wood.
• 23:00
  Eric: And mind you, this rage state does not discriminate.
• 23:03
  Eric: Male woodchuck, female woodchuck, they are all fucking buff swole log hurling maniacs.
• 23:10
  Matt: Everybody's throwing huge amounts of wood left and right, trying to bone and be boned for by all parties.
• 23:18
  Matt: Humans are boarding up their windows and doors saying, oh, it's the chucking season.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 23:24
  Matt: Got a little forest hail.
• 23:25
  Matt: Uh so board up the doors.
• 23:28
  Matt: Uh and so I think the answer needs to be when when would a my question is, when would make me a heated buff woodchuck stop chucking my wood?
• 23:41
  Matt: And I think the only thing I'm coming up with, if I'm doing this because I'm in heat, I'm saying it's it's when I am satisfied, when I have uh gotten my rocks off, as it were.
• 23:54
  Matt: You know what I'm saying?
• 23:55
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 23:56
  Eric: When you got your logs on.
• 23:58
  Matt: When my log is on.
• 24:00
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 24:02
  Matt: That's that is, but you know what I'm saying?
• 24:05
  Matt: Like they can't, until the rage within them has been quelled.
• 24:09
  Eric: Yeah.
• 24:10
  Matt: They can't stop.
• 24:11
  Eric: I think and I think it stops like the mating rituals complete when they hurl a fucking sequoia at another woodchuck and the woodchuck doesn't dip, dive, you know, dodge, or anything, it just fucking catches it.
• 24:24
  Eric: That's when they know they found the one.
• 24:25
  Matt: And then they just fuck till the day is dark.
• 24:29
  Eric: Yeah.
• 24:30
  Eric: They they use whatever whatever remains of their hormone steeped brains.
• 24:35
  Eric: To to to keep the population going.
• 24:37
  Eric: And then they forget how to be swole.
• 24:39
  Eric: Yeah.
• 24:40
  Eric: They they're they're done and their arms just kind of shrivel up.
• 24:42
  Matt: And then they yeah, they gotta go take one of those ice baths that that athletes take.
• 24:47
  Eric: You know, they got those, like, they got those, you know, those fucking uh uh elastic bands the dude wear on their like forearm and their underarm?
• 24:54
  Eric: Like, like, yeah, that's right, I lift, gotta watch how far I I bend these, or else they could pop right the fuck out of my my body.
• 25:01
  Matt: Gotta be care.
• 25:02
  Matt: I can't even pay attention when I'm chucking, you know.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, no, sorry.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_02: I did the elastic band too hard.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_02: I could have died.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 25:09
  Matt: Just chucking a couple of oaks today, you know.
• 25:13
  Matt: Not none too crazy.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, yep, yep.
• 25:15
  Matt: So they yeah, so I think there you have it at Carissa Hatfield.
• 25:18
  Matt: You you the wood chuck would chuck as much wood as it has to to satisfy its inner inner blood rage.
• 25:28
  Eric: Until it can chuck its wood.
• 25:29
  Eric: They'll chuck wood till they can chuck wood, you know what I mean?
• 25:32
  Eric: You know what I mean?
• 25:32
  Eric: You know what I mean?
• 25:33
  Eric: You know what I mean.
• 25:34
  Eric: You know what I mean.
• 25:35
  Matt: Anyway, I hope we answered the question for real not just you, but all of humanity who has been asking this question since uh third grade, at least.
• 25:44
  Matt: Yeah.
• 25:44
  Matt: Eric, you want to hit us with another hard-hitting question.
• 25:48
  Eric: Oh boy, do I.
• 25:50
  Eric: So, this one comes from our man, Zach Deuce.
• 25:55
  Eric: That's at Zach Deuce on Twitter.
• 25:58
  Eric: Zach asks, should there be microwave etiquette at work?
• 26:03
  Eric: And if there is, do you always follow it?
• 26:09
  Eric: Thank you, Zach.
• 26:10
  Matt: Now, Eric, I'm at a disadvantage, I think, here because as I've said you work remote.
• 26:16
  Matt: And I have for several for going on five years, shit, almost that I've been out of a regular workplace.
• 26:26
  Matt: Now, I of course have been in an office environment.
• 26:29
  Matt: Uh so but I think Eric, I think you presently, you got that fresh experience in the break room.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 26:38
  Eric: Uh what what what are your first impressions?
• 26:42
  Eric: So it depends on a number of factors, Matt.
• 26:45
  Eric: Primarily being where is the microwave located in the office?
• 26:49
  Eric: Do you have a kitchenette?
• 26:51
  Eric: Or is this or is this like a, you know, just like a uh so in my the original office my my office was in.
• 27:02
  Eric: Okay.
• 27:02
  Eric: Because that's how humans talk.
• 27:04
  Eric: Nice.
• 27:05
  Eric: Um we had a kitchenette, it was its own little separate room, like about the size of a closet, and they turned it into a little so it had like a refrigerator, the counter with the sink, and it had the microwave coffee pot, you know.
• 27:16
  Matt: I dig it.
• 27:16
  Eric: Um so even though it had its own separate kitchenette, the office itself wasn't huge, and like anything you microwaved, the smell would carry.
• 27:28
  Eric: So I feel like natural natural microwave etiquette just on the whole is I wouldn't even say I wouldn't I wouldn't even say don't cook food that smells bad because that's entirely subjective.
• 27:40
  Eric: Like I fucking I love the smell of like Thai curry.
• 27:45
  Eric: It's like one of my favorite smells on earth.
• 27:47
  Eric: Sure.
• 27:47
  Eric: But it might make one of my other coworkers gag.
• 27:50
  Eric: Very fragrant.
• 27:51
  Eric: So like stuff like that, but like if you have very strong smelling food, you shouldn't be microwaving that.
• 27:58
  Matt: I feel like the universal, a bit stereotypical culprit here is fish fish.
• 28:05
  Eric: Fish is and it depends entirely on like what kind of fish, but yeah, if you it universally, even if I don't dislike what I'm smelling, I'm just like, oh, you're a dick.
• 28:16
  Eric: That's just gonna linger.
• 28:17
  Matt: It does tend to linger.
• 28:19
  Matt: That's exactly what I was about to say.
• 28:20
  Matt: And I also feel like the stereotype is usually tuna.
• 28:24
  Matt: And my question is like, why are you microwaving tuna?
• 28:27
  Matt: There's no need to.
• 28:29
  Eric: There's no need for that.
• 28:30
  Matt: There's no need to for that.
• 28:32
  Matt: You need to put that in some mayo and mix it on up and put it on Sammy.
• 28:37
  Eric: Yep.
• 28:37
  Eric: That's it.
• 28:38
  Eric: The other stereotypical one is popcorn, and it's not that you can't make popcorn, it's that don't fucking burn it.
• 28:45
  Eric: And like, that's what's really difficult for people to comprehend because they always do that thing where like, I'll just push the popcorn button.
• 28:51
  Eric: I'm like, no, first of all, that's fucking lie.
• 28:53
  Eric: The popcorn button is fucking lie.
• 28:55
  Eric: Um, but second of all, you yeah, like if you're going to microwave popcorn, you need to watch that shit like a hawk for the two to three minutes it will take for that to fucking go.
• 29:04
  Eric: It's it because if you walk away, it will burn.
• 29:07
  Eric: It will burn and we'll all be miserable.
• 29:09
  Eric: Gotta stay on it.
• 29:10
  Matt: Because this isn't your this isn't your home microwave.
• 29:14
  Matt: You don't know offhand the exact because with and and I believe we talked about this with uh Sarah Feldman when she was a guest on the show.
• 29:22
  Matt: The popcorn time varies.
• 29:26
  Matt: Varies so much.
• 29:27
  Matt: Sometimes you don't even keep it what the bag says.
• 29:29
  Matt: You know you gotta take it off 30 seconds earlier.
• 29:32
  Matt: We know this.
• 29:32
  Matt: This is a fact.
• 29:34
  Eric: And you don't know the specifics of this microwave.
• 29:37
  Eric: I learned so much about our microwave because let me tell you about our my our original microwave.
• 29:41
  Eric: It was a fucking nightmare because it was one of those.
• 29:44
  Eric: Do you remember do you remember the microwaves in fucking college with they didn't have buttons where you typed in the time, it had the little fucking knob.
• 29:51
  Eric: The knob.
• 29:52
  Eric: That's what we were dealing with, and people were trying to cook popcorn with that.
• 29:55
  Matt: That is a microwave someone needs to break.
• 29:57
  Matt: They need to leave a fork in there and walk away.
• 30:01
  Eric: But we so here's the hilarious bit is we were asking for a long time for like, hey, can we get like a better microwave?
• 30:09
  Eric: Because this one just kind of sucks.
• 30:10
  Eric: It's like it took forever to cook anything in it, and it had the little knob, and it was the worst.
• 30:15
  Eric: They didn't get us to do microwave after we someone burnt popcorn every week.
• 30:20
  Eric: Like, it was like regular occurrence.
• 30:22
  Eric: We were all getting furious.
• 30:23
  Eric: Um, at one point there was like smoke in the air.
• 30:26
  Eric: We're like, what the fuck are you doing?
• 30:27
  Eric: What?
• 30:28
  Eric: We come to find out that person actually liked the taste of burnt popcorn.
• 30:31
  Eric: They don't work in our office anymore.
• 30:32
  Eric: Um, they were fired for this offense.
• 30:35
  Eric: No, I think they got a job somewhere else, but we were very happy to see the back of them.
• 30:39
  Eric: Um but what they did do, they didn't get us a new microwave, they got us a fucking popcorn maker.
• 30:45
  Eric: No, they got us the fucking the thing, the old school thing where you pour the popcorn in the top and then it pops and it just starts overflowing into the bowl.
• 30:52
  Matt: Why?
• 30:53
  Matt: That seems like so much extra work than just getting a new microwave.
• 30:57
  Matt: They're not that expensive.
• 30:58
  Matt: But it won't burn the popcorn.
• 31:01
  Matt: Okay, okay, but like it's you still got this microwave from 1988.
• 31:07
  Eric: Yeah, I know.
• 31:08
  Eric: Eventually we moved offices, and then when we moved our office, we lost our kitchenette.
• 31:13
  Eric: Uh but we we lost our kitchenette, but we gained a bistro.
• 31:19
  Eric: A new microwave.
• 31:20
  Eric: That and I feel terrible because the way the office is laid out is literally the microwave had to sit.
• 31:26
  Eric: Everyone's been super cool about microwave etiquette because the microwave got placed right outside several people's cubicles.
• 31:35
  Eric: Like you walk out of their cubicle, three feet in front of them, there's the microwave.
• 31:39
  Matt: Oh, sure.
• 31:40
  Matt: It it's like when a bathroom is right outside of the bullpen.
• 31:45
  Eric: And uh luckily no one's been like, hey, because of the pandemic, like no one's been been in there really microwaving much of anything.
• 31:54
  Eric: But here's where this new microwave is super shitty, and I do feel bad for them.
• 31:57
  Eric: Uh oh.
• 31:58
  Eric: This microwave, whoever set it up also doesn't work here anymore.
• 32:01
  Eric: And they had all like the the paperwork and stuff for like how to change it's one of those microwaves where if you want to do something like change the volume of the microwave, there's like a combination of buttons you have to press and then like simultaneously press some other ones to make it go up or down.
• 32:14
  Matt: Yeah.
• 32:14
  Eric: Because this person worked, our our our new office is very uh long, it is narrow and long.
• 32:21
  Eric: Okay.
• 32:22
  Eric: Because this person who set it up worked at one opposite end of the office from the microwave, they programmed the microwave to be as loud as humanly possible.
• 32:33
  Eric: Nice.
• 32:33
  Eric: And then they they also left.
• 32:35
  Eric: Oh, so now you just got this loud microwave.
• 32:38
  Eric: It is you I I have to like it's the situation where you like it's rude if you don't apologize to the people next to the microwave every time you use it.
• 32:46
  Matt: Oh, sure, because it's so goddamn loud.
• 32:49
  Matt: Sharring.
• 32:50
  Matt: I think in that case, you do need to follow that kind of etiquette that shows up.
• 32:54
  Matt: This this the you know, you have to apologize because you're using the inconvenient machine.
• 32:59
  Matt: And I also think another thing that I I feel strongly about in terms of etiquette and following it every time is if some of your contents of that microwave spill, you do need to clean that shit up because if you ignore it, the next person is absolutely not going to clean it up.
• 33:22
  Matt: And it just snowballs.
• 33:25
  Eric: It just gets worse.
• 33:25
  Eric: Yep, no, it's just clean shit worse.
• 33:27
  Matt: Yeah, I know that because that's what happens to my personal microwave.
• 33:32
  Matt: Yep.
• 33:32
  Eric: Uh I'm also a big fan of this is my personal etiquette.
• 33:36
  Eric: I'm like, don't don't slam the microwave door.
• 33:38
  Matt: No need to.
• 33:39
  Eric: You got the people, you know what I mean?
• 33:40
  Eric: Like they're having a bad day and they're just like and you can hear it across.
• 33:44
  Eric: I'm like, dude, don't bring that.
• 33:46
  Eric: Don't don't bring that in here.
• 33:47
  Matt: No, leave that at your car door.
• 33:49
  Matt: You slam the car door.
• 33:50
  Eric: Like, we get it, we get it, bud.
• 33:52
  Eric: No, none of us are happy to be here.
• 33:55
  Matt: Man, we all got a case on the Mondays, Greg.
• 33:59
  Matt: Fucking Greg.
• 34:00
  Matt: We don't need this.
• 34:01
  Matt: And you know, I do think if it's right next to the to the office cubicles, like you said, I think you do gotta kind of watch what you're putting in there smell-wise, too, because then you're just sitting in it.
• 34:13
  Matt: Because it is a little like the the bathroom.
• 34:16
  Matt: Like we uh uh an old place of business I had, we had a bathroom right next to the offices.
• 34:22
  Matt: And so there was always some poopourry in there that everyone adhered to.
• 34:27
  Matt: Everyone adhered to the poopourri.
• 34:29
  Eric: It's good shit.
• 34:30
  Matt: And actually, uh, can I can I enlighten you with a story?
• 34:34
  Matt: This is a complete tangent, but I think I think you'll enjoy it.
• 34:37
  Eric: Please, please do, please do.
• 34:39
  Matt: So there was a small initiative in this office for a little while to uh start like a uh to focus more on your mental health, which i I I appreciate, you know, she should do.
• 34:49
  Matt: And so someone suggested that they wanted to lead a meditation.
• 34:53
  Matt: Now, no one wanted to do the meditation, so I and some coworkers felt bad.
• 34:59
  Matt: So we did it.
• 35:00
  Matt: We were like, the the Eric, it happened one and only one time because I was like, I don't want to do this, but I'll do it because I feel bad that they were like, I have an idea, and then everyone was silent.
• 35:14
  Matt: So like four of us are doing this meditation, we're laying on the floor, the person's coming around saying, saying soothing things about put placing yourself in a babbling brook.
• 35:27
  Matt: And and you know, while they're doing this, there's you know, spraying some incense and and coming up close to us and you know, set you know, doing a little relax your shoulders kind of thing, yeah, holding all this tension, da-da-da-da-da.
• 35:39
  Matt: And it act, I have to say, it actually was quite relaxing.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 35:44
  Matt: So when we were finished, we're we're all standing up, and I can see your face.
• 35:49
  Matt: I think you're ahead of me.
• 35:50
  Matt: I said to the person, I said, Where did you get this incense?
• 35:56
  Matt: Because it smells a little like the poopourri.
• 36:01
  Matt: And this person looked me in the eye and said, It is the poopourri.
• 36:09
  Eric: No, that is not where my brain was going.
• 36:14
  Matt: This person sprayed me and three other coworkers in the face.
• 36:19
  Matt: That is not okay.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_02: In the face with active poopourries! That is not okay.
• 36:27
  Matt: I, out of the goodness of my fucking heart, felt pity for this person with their shitty meditation idea.
• 36:38
  Matt: I laid on the floor not getting work done.
• 36:41
  Matt: Obviously, I'm gonna take that excuse.
• 36:43
  Matt: Oh, and what did what did you repay me with?
• 36:47
  Matt: You took poop spray that has been used in a real life toilet.
• 36:52
  Matt: It's been held in poopy hands, it's been held in poopy hands in a poopy bowl, and you sprayed it on my now poopy face.
• 37:00
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 37:02
  Matt: So, yeah, that it that that etiquette works in the bathroom, but not in the meditation room.
• 37:10
  Matt: Oh man.
• 37:11
  Eric: Oh, that's so fucking funny.
• 37:13
  Eric: And now I cannot fucking hilarious.
• 37:16
  Matt: I cannot think of pooperie without thinking of the time that this person sprayed it in my goddamn face.
• 37:23
  Matt: That is when I had my eyes closed and was picturing myself in a babbling brook.
• 37:29
  Eric: Fucking that's that's the one the Fortune 500 CEOs, that's the power play they won't tell you about.
• 37:35
  Eric: Get them right in the fucking eyes with pooppourri.
• 37:38
  Eric: Remind them of what they are.
• 37:40
  Eric: So microwaves.
• 37:42
  Eric: So microwaves.
• 37:43
  Eric: Yeah, just don't no strong smelling foods.
• 37:45
  Eric: Uh don't set it really loud and then just leave and then quit.
• 37:49
  Eric: And then quit.
• 37:50
  Eric: Don't slam the door, clean the fuck out of it when you you know you make a mess in there.
• 37:55
  Matt: Uh and uh and you know what?
• 37:58
  Matt: If I'm gonna say this if you gotta have that smelly sandwich or whatever that you gotta heat up in there, yeah, you gotta have some penance.
• 38:06
  Matt: Bring in some donuts the next day.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 38:08
  Matt: Bring, you know, do you know, bring in some donuts, do something like that, Lee?
• 38:14
  Matt: Say, oh, hey, I made I made a cobbler, and it's in the break room for whoever wants it.
• 38:21
  Matt: Yeah.
• 38:21
  Matt: And then you know what?
• 38:22
  Matt: Next time you make a smelly sandwich, I'm more inclined to be like, uh, yeah, but you know what?
• 38:27
  Matt: He brings those donuts.
• 38:28
  Eric: He brings the cobbler.
• 38:29
  Eric: You got them donies.
• 38:30
  Eric: Oh, one last bit, and I honestly don't know how if you'll agree or not.
• 38:34
  Eric: Um, I'm curious.
• 38:35
  Eric: Uh so I don't agree.
• 38:37
  Eric: Microwave Okay.
• 38:40
  Eric: Okay, okay.
• 38:42
  Eric: Microwaveable meals.
• 38:44
  Eric: Yes.
• 38:45
  Eric: Some of them are involved.
• 38:49
  Eric: Oh, yes.
• 38:49
  Eric: It's like, all right, microwave two minutes, uh, put a slit in the top, microwave two minutes, then peel the the film halfway back five more minutes, then put the insert on top five more.
• 39:02
  Eric: So if you've got one of those deals, you're using the microwave last.
• 39:08
  Matt: Yes, keep or yes, you either go last at lunchtime or you keep that shit at home.
• 39:13
  Matt: I know what you're talking about.
• 39:14
  Matt: Those like steamer kits where you have to put something in for three minutes, then add this, then mix it up.
• 39:21
  Matt: No, yeah, no, you get five minutes.
• 39:23
  Eric: You either need to like pre-start that shit before you know the microwave is gonna like be a commodity, or you go last.
• 39:30
  Eric: You get five working minutes with this microwave.
• 39:33
  Eric: Yeah, because otherwise you just got like a bunch of people who are spending like the first 10 minutes of lunch break just waiting for your shit to be done when they can all be out in like a a total of like four minutes.
• 39:45
  Matt: Yeah, absolutely.
• 39:46
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 39:47
  Matt: All right, that's all.
• 39:48
  Matt: That's why I always brought a coal-based lunch to work or ordered it down the street and and and oh you said cold based.
• 39:57
  Eric: I heard coal based.
• 40:00
  Eric: Well, are you a fucking urchin?
• 40:02
  Matt: Uh well, I'm just on the naughty list, baby.
• 40:04
  Matt: I got all that coal.
• 40:06
  Eric: Matt, honey, are you okay?
• 40:07
  Eric: You haven't touched your coal.
• 40:11
  Matt: Oh man.
• 40:12
  Matt: No, cold based.
• 40:13
  Matt: You know, like a yeah, like cold cut.
• 40:15
  Matt: Cold cut or a leftover meal that doesn't need to be a lump of coal.
• 40:19
  Matt: So I can take it and abscond to a small corner of the building where no one frequents.
• 40:24
  Matt: That's my usual.
• 40:25
  Eric: Yeah, I don't ever bring anything that needs to be microwaved.
• 40:27
  Matt: Yeah, because I don't want to enter the break room.
• 40:29
  Matt: I want to go, I want to leave.
• 40:31
  Eric: Yeah.
• 40:31
  Eric: I want maximum time, just do nothing.
• 40:33
  Matt: I I uh this particular place of business that I've referenced earlier, I would go to the basement, sit where there was where there at a there were some couches for no apparent reason, and I would sit there with my book and my salad or whatever, and I eat it.
• 40:47
  Matt: And every now and then somebody'd come down there to use the less populated bathrooms, you know?
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 40:53
  Matt: And then they'd talk to me, and I'd be like, it couldn't be clearer that I don't want to talk to you.
• 40:58
  Eric: Yeah, nothing in this world infuriates me more than when I am reading a book and someone just trying to talk to me.
• 41:06
  Eric: I'm like, what do you not?
• 41:08
  Eric: And like I'll make it like a very clear just like, and I'm looking back at my book.
• 41:12
  Eric: Like they take that as an invitation to like, oh, I'm lonely.
• 41:15
  Eric: Please speak to me.
• 41:16
  Eric: Like, no, I don't want anything to do with you.
• 41:20
  Matt: I've got precious minutes.
• 41:23
  Matt: I just want to read Dune.
• 41:25
  Matt: Precious, precious.
• 41:26
  Matt: I'm reading Dune right now, actually.
• 41:28
  Matt: It's funny that you say that.
• 41:29
  Matt: I literally am.
• 41:30
  Matt: I'm on page 200.
• 41:31
  Matt: Good, isn't it?
• 41:32
  Matt: It's very good.
• 41:33
  Matt: I'm very engrossed.
• 41:34
  Matt: I'm very engrossed.
• 41:35
  Eric: Terrible purpose.
• 41:37
  Matt: Uh anyway.
• 41:38
  Matt: Uh yes, no, I'm I'm already thinking like, uh, gotta get those sequels because I'm already gonna want to read them, I can tell.
• 41:44
  Matt: So I think we answered the question here.
• 41:47
  Matt: Yeah.
• 41:47
  Eric: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 41:48
  Eric: We absolutely answered the question.
• 41:49
  Matt: And uh I think we have time for one more question here, Eric.
• 41:53
  Matt: Uh and this is a question I thought of just the other day as I was sitting and watching uh the television and hearing a very frequent commercial that came up.
• 42:04
  Eric: Okay, so this is to be clear, this is a question that you, Matthew, are asking your own podcast.
• 42:08
  Matt: I am asking, I I I well, I think it needs to be asked.
• 42:13
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 42:13
  Eric: No, that's it's brave.
• 42:15
  Matt: It's something that we've that that that the organization Pizza Hut has danced around for years.
• 42:23
  Matt: They've flaunted, flaunted this in their face with their slogan for probably, I'm gonna guess, the past decade, no one outpizzes the hut.
• 42:33
  Matt: And my question for you, Eric, is How does one outpizza the hut?
• 42:40
  Eric: Well, Matt speaking as someone who has outpized the hut.
• 42:46
  Eric: Say what?
• 42:47
  Matt: Come again?
• 42:49
  Eric: You've outpizza the hut, Eric.
• 42:50
  Eric: How?
• 42:51
  Eric: Tell me.
• 42:51
  Eric: Matt, do you remember when we were like in elementary school?
• 42:54
  Eric: Did you ever do that reading program that Pizza Hut did?
• 42:57
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 42:58
  Eric: Yes.
• 42:58
  Matt: You read you you read X you read 15 books, you get a free personal pie.
• 43:03
  Matt: Yeah.
• 43:03
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 43:04
  Eric: Well, jokes on Pizza Hut.
• 43:08
  Eric: Yeah.
• 43:09
  Eric: Because no, well, here's the thing.
• 43:11
  Eric: Uh when I was that age, I was a voracious reader.
• 43:14
  Eric: It was just like the approved books list.
• 43:16
  Eric: My school had one.
• 43:17
  Eric: Like, here's the books you can read.
• 43:19
  Eric: I was like, uh, those books are all dog shit.
• 43:22
  Eric: So I would have my parents, my parents knew I was reading.
• 43:26
  Eric: They were like, yeah, our kids fucking devouring books.
• 43:29
  Eric: So I was like, hey, could you just please tell them I fucking I did this?
• 43:33
  Eric: And they're like, yeah, no, no problem.
• 43:34
  Eric: We'll get you some pizza.
• 43:36
  Eric: Oh my God.
• 43:38
  Eric: Falonious pizza.
• 43:40
  Matt: So not only are you claiming, not only do have you claimed to outpizza the hut, but you did it as a child.
• 43:47
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 43:47
  Matt: And my parents were my accomplices.
• 43:51
  Matt: So, in this circumstance, you you you outpizaded them simply by completing your reading list and making them give you.
• 44:00
  Matt: Free pizza.
• 44:00
  Matt: So you're saying the free pizza is how you outpiz the high.
• 44:04
  Eric: I outpizza them because I did I got the free pizza, but I didn't follow their rules.
• 44:10
  Eric: Interesting.
• 44:11
  Eric: Yeah.
• 44:11
  Eric: They're their their reading list was such softball shit.
• 44:15
  Eric: It was like fucking, oh, read cat in the hat.
• 44:18
  Eric: Like, Doug, I'm what what are you what?
• 44:21
  Eric: I'm over here reading.
• 44:22
  Eric: I'm in fucking fourth or fifth grade.
• 44:23
  Eric: I'm reading the giver.
• 44:24
  Matt: Alright, Eric, it's been several episodes.
• 44:26
  Matt: I have to ask, what?
• 44:28
  Matt: Who is Doug?
• 44:29
  Matt: And why do you keep bringing this back?
• 44:32
  Matt: Who is Doug?
• 44:33
  Matt: Thank you, Matthew.
• 44:35
  Matt: First.
• 44:36
  Matt: Eric, who is Doug?
• 44:37
  Matt: I have kept I have bit my tongue long enough.
• 44:40
  Eric: Who is Doug?
• 44:43
  Eric: I'm gonna Matt, here's what I'm gonna do for you.
• 44:48
  Eric: I have stayed silent as long as I can.
• 44:51
  Eric: Here's what I'm gonna do.
• 44:52
  Eric: Somebody listening to the show, please, I implore you, someone message Matt and tell him.
• 44:59
  Eric: What?
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: You're not even gonna tell me?
• 45:01
  Eric: Oh no, I'm gonna put this out.
• 45:02
  Eric: I'm left out of the loop.
• 45:04
  Eric: And and Matt, I don't care if it's like 10 years from now when our show is exploding and we're, you know, we're fucking, we're a household name.
• 45:12
  Eric: Uh, and someone decides, hey, I'm gonna go listen back to like the early episodes.
• 45:16
  Eric: Like, I know they say you're not supposed to start listening to like episode 230, but I'm gonna go back.
• 45:21
  Eric: I want to listen to the OGC where they came from, and they're gonna hear this and they're gonna hear me implore like, please, please tell Matt what I mean when I when I say it, Doug, and then they're gonna get a message in the dead of night, and they'll be like, to like, hey, Doug, come on, this is how this is what it means.
• 45:36
  Eric: I can't believe you're doing this to me.
• 45:38
  Matt: I cannot believe you are treating me like a like an invader on our own on our own podcast.
• 45:45
  Matt: Here you are saying Doug, Doug, episode after episode, 10 episodes, 12 episodes, Doug, Doug, yeah, Doug, there, Doug.
• 45:52
  Matt: Why are you saying it?
• 45:53
  Matt: Who is Doug?
• 45:54
  Matt: And now you're flaunting it, telling you everybody knows who Doug is except for Matt, the fucking idiot.
• 46:00
  Matt: Are you kidding me?
• 46:01
  Matt: I thought you were saying dog and got confused and said Doug somewhere like that.
• 46:04
  Eric: I mean, that's essentially what I did.
• 46:06
  Matt: And then you just kept doing it.
• 46:07
  Matt: And now you're telling me that there's some part of the culture that I have been left out of.
• 46:12
  Matt: The zeitgeist that you have been excluded from.
• 46:15
  Matt: And you're fucking taunting me, slapping it in the face like s.
• 46:19
  Matt: And now you now you're dabbing at me.
• 46:24
  Eric: How dare you! And that, kids, is how you out pizza them.
• 46:34
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 46:36
  Matt: Okay.
• 46:37
  Matt: Here I thought I was gonna shame you, and instead I am finding that you, laughing in my face, think you're shaming me.
• 46:44
  Eric: Like I'm in the Illuminati, and you just haven't been inaugurated yet.
• 46:48
  Matt: Oh, god damn.
• 46:50
  Matt: Okay, well, let's get this thing back on track.
• 46:53
  Matt: So, so I'm so distracted now by my own insecurities.
• 46:58
  Matt: You're suggesting to me that the only way to you that when Pizza Set Hut tempts us by saying no one can outpizza us, you're saying that means just getting free pizza as opposed to making superior pizza.
• 47:12
  Matt: That's what I took.
• 47:13
  Eric: So I honestly it falls under umbrella.
• 47:14
  Eric: We're like I said earlier when we were we were looking at this question in the queue.
• 47:18
  Eric: I'm like, this is we're gonna get balls deep in philosophy here.
• 47:20
  Eric: Outpizzaing the hut can be quite literal, like, you know, uh well, actually, it can be quite literal in in what you're saying, making superior pizza, in which case, so many people have outpizza the hut.
• 47:32
  Matt: Yes, it's very common to outpizza the hut in that regard.
• 47:35
  Eric: Then there is, oh, I got free pizza, but I shouldn't have.
• 47:40
  Eric: That was my angle.
• 47:41
  Eric: That is me out pizzaing the hut.
• 47:42
  Matt: Oh, it's personal.
• 47:44
  Eric: There is a third category that I think we we that many people are familiar with.
• 47:50
  Eric: You know how when you're driving down like fucking the highway in a town and you see like an optometrist with a very distinctly shaped roof.
• 48:02
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 48:03
  Eric: Yeah.
• 48:05
  Eric: We all have to say, like, oh, that was 100% that used to be a pizza hut.
• 48:11
  Matt: Yeah.
• 48:11
  Eric: That is that is how you out pizza the hut.
• 48:14
  Matt: You know, I have this is true.
• 48:16
  Matt: In in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, for a good portion of time, there was a uh pizza hut that closed down, got transferred into a McDonald's savage, but it kept the roof shape.
• 48:33
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 48:34
  Matt: And for a long time, they kept it red.
• 48:40
  Matt: And I just thought maybe that is how you do it.
• 48:43
  Matt: You get in there, you t you you you spirit Halloween that situation.
• 48:49
  Eric: God, that it's like a look upon my works, ye mighty and despair kind of moment.
• 48:54
  Matt: Oh my god, yes.
• 48:56
  Eric: I want to find, I want to find there hat this has to exist.
• 48:59
  Eric: A former pizza hut that was a church that's a church.
• 49:02
  Eric: That is now a church.
• 49:04
  Eric: That is now a church.
• 49:05
  Eric: That has to exist.
• 49:06
  Eric: That has to be a thing somewhere.
• 49:08
  Eric: If dear listeners, yes, not only if you are aware of a church that that was clearly formerly a pizza hut, please let us know.
• 49:16
  Eric: But if you attend that church, please be a guest on our show.
• 49:22
  Eric: And bring us pizza too.
• 49:24
  Matt: I assume you worship the pizza.
• 49:26
  Eric: You worship the hut.
• 49:27
  Eric: Take of this eight slices and eat of them.
• 49:30
  Eric: For for the crust is stuffed with the life of Christ.
• 49:34
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 49:35
  Eric: Yes.
• 49:36
  Eric: Tis the cheese of Christ.
• 49:39
  Eric: Take this, Mr.
• 49:40
  Eric: Pibb, and drink of it.
• 49:42
  Eric: These are the red pepper flakes on my body.
• 49:44
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 49:47
  Eric: I'm not trying, I'm not trying to talk shit on Pizza Hut because I do love their crust.
• 49:50
  Eric: Their crust game is is is very good.
• 49:52
  Matt: You know, but I think Pizza Hut is a very specific type of pizza.
• 49:55
  Matt: And I when I'm in the mood for.
• 49:59
  Matt: Well, when I'm in the mood for Pizza Hut, I'm in the mood for Pizza Hut.
• 50:02
  Matt: It's like Caesars.
• 50:04
  Matt: Exactly.
• 50:04
  Matt: When I'm in the mood for pizza, I'm not always like, let's call up Pizza Hut.
• 50:10
  Eric: Yeah.
• 50:10
  Eric: It's kind of like some days I'm like, man, I really want Subway.
• 50:14
  Eric: But like other times, I'm man, I really want a sub sandwich.
• 50:17
  Eric: You want a good sub, yeah.
• 50:19
  Eric: I'm not those are not the same sentence.
• 50:23
  Matt: What is your uh what is your uh subway winner, by the way?
• 50:27
  Eric: Uh steak and cheese on Italian herbs and cheese, toasted, pepperjack, tea, cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, chipotle, southwest sauce.
• 50:36
  Matt: Damn.
• 50:36
  Matt: You ready for mine?
• 50:37
  Matt: You're gonna hate it.
• 50:38
  Matt: Oh, I'm gonna hate it.
• 50:39
  Matt: Uh, I don't know what it's called now because they changed the name of it, but it used to be called the cold cut trio.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 50:45
  Matt: Mayo, pickles, extra pickles, a little bit more pickles.
• 50:50
  Matt: That's it.
• 50:53
  Matt: I get a sub with cold cut meat, a good layer of mayo, and just a fucking shit ton of pickles.
• 51:01
  Eric: Just just I'm imagining you ordering this sandwich, you just lean into the fucking the sandwich artist, and you're just like, hey, um, yeah, I'll get the cold cut trio, uh, mayo.
• 51:12
  Eric: Oh, and can you do me a favor?
• 51:14
  Eric: Could you just um could you just fuck it up with some pickles?
• 51:18
  Matt: I basically do do that.
• 51:19
  Matt: I the reason I presented it the way I did was I always usually have to go uh mayo and uh just a lot of pickles.
• 51:26
  Matt: And then they will without fail say, That's it.
• 51:29
  Matt: And I say, That's it.
• 51:30
  Matt: I know what's good.
• 51:31
  Matt: And they say, okay.
• 51:33
  Matt: And I've been getting this from Subway since you know I was like nine.
• 51:38
  Matt: You know, whenever my parents took us there, and I was like, I guess a cold country.
• 51:42
  Matt: And what do you want?
• 51:42
  Matt: Mayo and just pickles.
• 51:44
  Matt: And my mom would say, That's it.
• 51:45
  Matt: And I was like, Yeah, I love pickles.
• 51:48
  Matt: So then, and without a doubt, they'll put some pickles on there and they'll try to move that shit down the line.
• 51:53
  Matt: I'll be like, uh, sorry.
• 51:54
  Matt: I'm like Ron Swanson, where he says, Give me all I don't I want to make sure you heard me.
• 51:59
  Matt: Give me all the bacon and eggs that you have.
• 52:02
  Matt: Yep.
• 52:02
  Matt: I am like, no, I want to make sure you heard me.
• 52:05
  Matt: I want a lot of pickles.
• 52:08
  Eric: I'm imagining your now I'm imagining the sandwich surf like fucking, fucking desperate, like looking back and forth as they're shoveling pickles with one hand, and you just like leer at them over your brandy glass, and you just say, every now and then you just keep saying keep going more, more, deeper, deeper.
• 52:28
  SPEAKER_02: I wanna, I wanna taste the brine.
• 52:34
  Eric: Fucking that should be Subway's new fucking slogan.
• 52:38
  Eric: Subway, taste the brine.
• 52:46
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 52:49
  Matt: Okay, so that's how you have Pizza the Hut.
• 52:52
  Eric: You you But starting a question about Pizza Hut and ending it on Subway.
• 52:56
  Eric: And ending it on Subway.
• 52:58
  Eric: We just did the the question equivalent of it's a former a former Pizza Hut.
• 53:05
  Eric: That's now a Subway question.
• 53:06
  Matt: That's what I'm saying.
• 53:07
  Matt: You start with a Pizza Hut and you turn it into another fast food establishment.
• 53:12
  Eric: Yep.
• 53:13
  Matt: Man, when I tag Pizza Hut in this post, are they gonna send us a C Synthesis?
• 53:17
  Matt: They're gonna be so upset.
• 53:19
  Matt: Uh love you, Pizza Hut.
• 53:20
  Matt: Love you, Pizza Hut.
• 53:22
  Matt: Thank you for the thank you for the question, Pizza Hut.
• 53:25
  Matt: Thank you for the question, Pizza Hut.
• 53:26
  Matt: You didn't ask it, but you did imply it.
• 53:28
  Matt: Thank you, corporate.
• 53:30
  Matt: Yeah, you didn't imply this.
• 53:32
  Matt: The new the new hit podcast from uh the two of us.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 53:37
  Matt: Oh man, that was fun.
• 53:38
  Matt: Eric, shall we transition now into some local legends?
• 53:42
  Eric: Let's do the dang thing.
• 53:45
  Matt: Would you like to go first or would you like me to go first?
• 53:48
  Eric: Oh, I would love to go first.
• 53:50
  Eric: Okay, go for it.
• 53:52
  Eric: So um I'm a huge fan of cryptids and uh mythological creatures from like Oh, so you got a cryptid for us.
• 54:00
  Eric: I got a I got a cryptid for you from this one, it is from Germany.
• 54:04
  Eric: Ooh.
• 54:05
  Eric: Uh, it's the Roggenmum.
• 54:08
  Eric: What was it?
• 54:09
  Eric: Oh, it's the Roggen Muma.
• 54:11
  Eric: Oh.
• 54:11
  Eric: Das Roggen Mumma?
• 54:13
  Eric: Das Raggenmumma?
• 54:15
  Eric: Roggen Muma.
• 54:16
  Eric: Um so which translates to Rye Ant.
• 54:22
  Eric: Rye Ant?
• 54:23
  Eric: Rye Aunt.
• 54:24
  Eric: Rye R-Y-E space aunt.
• 54:28
  Eric: Rye Auntie.
• 54:30
  Eric: Yep, pretty much.
• 54:32
  SPEAKER_00: Ryan?
• 54:33
  Eric: The Ragan Muma.
• 54:37
  Eric: Yeah.
• 54:38
  Eric: Yes.
• 54:39
  Eric: Okay.
• 54:39
  Eric: So the the the Raggen Mummy, Raggen Mommy, the Roggan Mommy.
• 54:45
  Eric: Ragan Mommy.
• 54:46
  Eric: Uh, is a female corn demon with fiery fingers.
• 54:51
  Eric: This is from Wikipedia.
• 54:52
  Eric: Donate today.
• 54:53
  Eric: Here's what, here's what so that that I came, I came for the female corn demon with fiery fingers.
• 55:00
  Eric: I stayed for her bosoms are filled with tar and may end in tips of igneous iron.
• 55:09
  Eric: What?
• 55:10
  Eric: Her bosoms are also long and as such must be thrown over her shoulders when she runs.
• 55:17
  Eric: Like a continental soldier?
• 55:19
  Eric: Yes.
• 55:20
  Eric: What?
• 55:21
  Eric: She's uh typically depicted as being like all like like tar, like pitch black or or um or white.
• 55:30
  Eric: Those are complete opposites.
• 55:32
  Eric: I know.
• 55:32
  Eric: Like, yeah, she's either like made of fire or she's a puddle of water.
• 55:37
  Eric: Um uh in her hand, she has a birch, like a s a birch or a whip.
• 55:45
  Eric: Like so again, she either has a birch stick or a whip.
• 55:50
  Eric: Two complete opposite kind of things going on, uh, from which lightning sparks.
• 55:56
  Eric: She can change into different animals and shit.
• 55:59
  Eric: Uh Ragan Mommy is known for stealing children uh who are looking like out.
• 56:05
  Eric: She so basically like what she does, she hangs out in cornfields.
• 56:09
  Eric: And uh if she finds like misbehaving children, she'll like kidnap them or replace them with changelings, or f or she forces children to suck at her deadly bosom and may strike the children with her bosom.
• 56:26
  Eric: What I'm so imagine like you're a German farmer and you just like look at her like uh hon, get the gun.
• 56:33
  Eric: The titty witch is beating Billy with her tits again.
• 56:37
  Eric: What the I I I I am so star-filled titties just swinging them like a fucking birch in one hand or whip.
• 56:45
  Eric: Or a whip.
• 56:46
  Eric: And just bam, getting the wham bam, thank you, ma'am.
• 56:49
  Eric: Just beating the shit out of kids and kidnapping them.
• 56:52
  Matt: I am bamboozled by this this German cryptid.
• 56:56
  Eric: Oh, here's the fucked up thing.
• 56:58
  Eric: If you see one in your cornfield, that is apparently a good thing.
• 57:03
  Eric: What?
• 57:04
  Eric: Oh yeah, it means you've got top quality ass corn, my man.
• 57:07
  Matt: Okay, so it's out there just going after the uh the the the corn?
• 57:15
  Matt: Yeah, Rogan Mommy wants corn.
• 57:18
  Matt: Okay, so for herself though.
• 57:20
  Eric: For oh yeah, she's out there eating that good, good corn.
• 57:22
  Eric: So, oh man, our corn's so good.
• 57:25
  Eric: The the the booby demon came.
• 57:27
  Eric: And if you have bad, it's kind of like the double, like on one hand, the story is like, oh yeah, if you see one in your fields, that's good.
• 57:33
  Eric: It means you have good corn.
• 57:34
  Eric: But if she finds any bad corn in your field, she can like punish you by making your entire crop dry up.
• 57:41
  Eric: Wow.
• 57:42
  Eric: So you know, Rog and Mommy gonna get you.
• 57:45
  Eric: Wow, wow, yes.
• 57:47
  Eric: Um tits flapping in the wind.
• 57:49
  Matt: Yeah, I'm just so sorry you had to objectify her this way, constantly referring to her titties.
• 57:56
  Matt: I don't feel like that was an appropriate description of this.
• 57:59
  Eric: Matt, they're filled with tar.
• 58:02
  Eric: They are they're literally objects at that point.
• 58:05
  Eric: They're just sacks of tar that hang from her withered chest.
• 58:09
  Matt: I'm just I'm just saying, um, to to our listeners, I had no idea I was podcasting with such crude.
• 58:18
  Matt: Stop throwing them around like this.
• 58:20
  Matt: Stop making these obscene gestures to me.
• 58:23
  Eric: Okay, uh, sorry.
• 58:24
  Eric: Um, on behalf of uh upon further reflection on behalf of you didn't ask this, I I think I apologize for both of us.
• 58:31
  Eric: I think we're both culpable in this.
• 58:32
  Eric: Me for saying titty witch and Matt for uh being complacent in it until he said something.
• 58:37
  Eric: Um isn't that not being complacent though?
• 58:39
  Eric: Isn't that the exact opposite of that?
• 58:41
  Eric: I know you could you could have you could have yeah, you know, you allowed it to go on for too long.
• 58:45
  Eric: I just wanted to issue an apology apology to any uh Rogan Moomas we have um listening to our show.
• 58:52
  Eric: Um You Are Beautiful.
• 58:54
  Eric: And uh get that corn.
• 58:58
  Eric: Get that corn.
• 58:59
  Eric: You get that fucking corn.
• 59:00
  Matt: Okay, so you brought us a cryptid from Germany.
• 59:04
  Matt: Yeah.
• 59:05
  Matt: I bring you the other type of local legend that we like, uh just a just a uh a flesh and bone human.
• 59:12
  Eric: Oh the real monster within us all.
• 59:17
  Matt: And this was sent to us by uh uh this was sent in via email by Jennifer.
• 59:23
  Matt: And uh I want to talk to you, Eric, about Phoenix Jones.
• 59:27
  Matt: Love it.
• 59:28
  Matt: Do you know who Phoenix Jones is?
• 59:30
  Eric: No, but I love that name.
• 59:31
  Matt: Phoenix Jones is a real life superhero in Seattle, Washington.
• 59:37
  Eric: Wait, I think I've heard, yeah, tell me more, tell me more.
• 59:40
  Eric: I think I've heard about this guy.
• 59:42
  Matt: And from tw 2011 until its disillusion in 2014, Jones was the leader of the Rain City superhero movement in Seattle, a a Washington-based citizen patrol group that described itself as a crime prevention brigade.
• 1:00:02
  Matt: Now, Jones says that the best way to prevent getting mistaken for a criminal by police is to wear a super suit.
• 1:00:09
  Matt: Although local police have expressed concern that the strange costumes may lead to emergency calls from citizens who mistake the superheroes for criminals.
• 1:00:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:00:20
  Matt: Jones says that all members of the Rain City superhero movement have a military or mixed martial arts background, and that is directly from Wikipedia.
• 1:00:28
  Matt: Yep.
• 1:00:29
  Matt: Now, Eric, every superhero needs an origin story.
• 1:00:34
  Matt: Does do they not?
• 1:00:36
  Eric: They do.
• 1:00:37
  Eric: Please give me this.
• 1:00:38
  Eric: I will give you feedback, tear-jerking, like every man fucking solid solidarity forming backstory.
• 1:00:48
  Matt: Well, one event that inspired him to vigilantism was his when his when his car was broken into.
• 1:00:56
  Matt: And then his son was injured on the glass.
• 1:00:59
  Matt: And I I should say the it from the story I read, it does seem to imply that the child was not in the car, but rather that it came it then interacted with the car with broken glass, with which maybe Phoenix Jones was a misstep, I have to say.
• 1:01:14
  Eric: Okay, so so so what I'm imagining is like Phoenix Jones.
• 1:01:19
  unknown: I remember that night.
• 1:01:21
  Eric: And you're like, ah, damn it, somebody broke into my car, and the kids like running up the car.
• 1:01:25
  Eric: He's like, Oh, look at all this the pretty, like, oops, and like just like poke themselves on a piece of glass, and then and then fucking just turns away.
• 1:01:33
  Eric: Vengeance.
• 1:01:35
  Eric: He's just like the the the comic book shot would be Phoenix Jones like on his knees sobbing as his son, who's already forgotten the incident, is just playing.
• 1:01:44
  Eric: He's on to something else on his power wheel.
• 1:01:46
  Matt: And Jones claims that several people saw this break-in but took no action.
• 1:01:50
  SPEAKER_02: They did nothing, they did nothing, they just watched.
• 1:01:54
  Matt: And then later on, and uh reading this again on Wikipedia for Phoenix Jones, uh, later on, this seems to imply to me that it happened the same day.
• 1:02:04
  Matt: His friend was being assaulted outside a bar.
• 1:02:08
  Matt: And even though there's a big old crowd of people there, no one stepped in.
• 1:02:15
  SPEAKER_02: No one.
• 1:02:16
  SPEAKER_02: They watched two drunken assholes fist fighting each other and breaking chairs, and not a single one of them thought to intervene by inserting their bodies into the brawl.
• 1:02:28
  Matt: So he created a full costume, and thus Phoenix Jones was born.
• 1:02:31
  Matt: His costume consists of a dragon skin, which is a type of ballistic armor.
• 1:02:36
  Matt: Not a Phoenix, cool.
• 1:02:38
  Matt: Uh, and a and stab plating.
• 1:02:41
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:02:42
  Matt: He carries with him a stun baton, pepper spray, handcuffs, and a first aid kit in his utility belt.
• 1:02:49
  Matt: Of course.
• 1:02:50
  Matt: So he's he is armed, but not armed armed.
• 1:02:55
  Matt: Uh, and for the last decade, Phoenix Jones has been re has regularly made headlines fighting crime in Seattle, chasing car thieves, preventing drunk people from entering their cars.
• 1:03:09
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:03:09
  Matt: I love him.
• 1:03:10
  Matt: Breaking up fights, and dousing a man with pepper spray who attempted to steal a bus.
• 1:03:17
  Matt: All right.
• 1:03:18
  Matt: Those are some those are some highlights, baby.
• 1:03:20
  Eric: All right, no, Phoenix, no, you're doing the good work.
• 1:03:23
  Eric: You stopped drunk people from driving.
• 1:03:24
  Eric: Okay, cool.
• 1:03:25
  Matt: Unfortunately.
• 1:03:27
  Matt: Oh no, come on.
• 1:03:28
  Matt: I gotta bring you the other side of the coin.
• 1:03:31
  Matt: Jones has been arrested several times.
• 1:03:35
  Matt: Most frequently for improper use of pepper spray and assault.
• 1:03:41
  Matt: But hey, when you're a vigilante, that comes with the territory.
• 1:03:44
  Matt: You know, I I I would think, to some extent.
• 1:03:48
  Matt: You know, you get involved in these fights, you're gonna get arrested.
• 1:03:51
  Matt: Now, what from this is from Wikipedia.
• 1:03:54
  Matt: Uh uh uh the Seattle city attorney Pete Holmes has called Jones a quote, deeply misguided individual.
• 1:04:02
  Eric: Please tell me someone called him a menace.
• 1:04:06
  Matt: I think Pete Holmes is.
• 1:04:07
  Matt: Yep.
• 1:04:08
  Matt: Uh Jones has appeared in court uh wearing a black and gray striped shirt over his super suit on October 13th, 2011.
• 1:04:18
  Matt: A court officer asked Jones to remove his mask, and when he complied, putting the mask he and he complied, but then put the mask back on after the after the hearing.
• 1:04:28
  Matt: Jones then spoke to reporters and removed his mask again to reveal his identity as amateur MMA fighter Ben Fodor or Fodor.
• 1:04:41
  Eric: I was really hoping you were gonna say Joaquin Phoenix.
• 1:04:44
  Eric: Joaquin?
• 1:04:46
  Eric: That would have been only okay, that's where he got it from.
• 1:04:50
  Eric: Winking an odd.
• 1:04:51
  Eric: So amateur, okay, yeah, this this scans.
• 1:04:54
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:04:54
  Matt: So Fodor uh stated he would continue uh patrolling the city, and indeed he did.
• 1:04:59
  Matt: This is a quote from him from that press conference.
• 1:05:01
  Matt: I will continue to patrol my team probably tonight, uh, again, October 13th, 2011.
• 1:05:07
  Matt: In addition to being Phoenix Jones, I am also Ben Fodor, father and brother.
• 1:05:10
  Matt: I'm just like everyone else.
• 1:05:12
  Matt: Uh the only difference is that I try to stop crime in my neighborhood and everywhere else.
• 1:05:17
  Matt: I think I have to look toward the future and see what I can do to help the city.
• 1:05:22
  Matt: Now he has seemingly retired from MMA fighting, but he does continue to fight crime.
• 1:05:27
  Matt: However, Eric, this is the this is the part that uh crosses the line, I think.
• 1:05:32
  Matt: He was arrested in January 2020 for selling MDMA or MOLLE to an undercover cop.
• 1:05:40
  Eric: Oh shit.
• 1:05:41
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:05:42
  Matt: And while they were at it, they also found four grams of cocaine on his person.
• 1:05:48
  Matt: So perhaps, perhaps, Eric, in the end it's true that you either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.
• 1:05:58
  Matt: However, he's still active fighting crime.
• 1:06:00
  Eric: Faith, the Phoenix will rise again.
• 1:06:01
  Matt: The Phoenix can rise again, and you can follow his exploits at the Phoenix Jones on Instagram or to the Twitter.
• 1:06:10
  Matt: Uh, Eric, I have to ask, would you like to see the man?
• 1:06:15
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:06:15
  Matt: The myth.
• 1:06:16
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:06:16
  Matt: The Phoenix.
• 1:06:17
  Matt: God, yes.
• 1:06:18
  Matt: So here he is without his mask.
• 1:06:20
  Matt: And then if we go back, here he is full, fully costumed.
• 1:06:25
  Eric: Okay, I am not even gonna lie, though.
• 1:06:27
  Eric: His costume is badass.
• 1:06:30
  Eric: He did it right.
• 1:06:31
  Eric: It's fucking dope.
• 1:06:32
  Eric: He did it right.
• 1:06:33
  Eric: I'd buy Molly from that guy.
• 1:06:38
  Matt: So here he is with Rain Wilson for some reason.
• 1:06:40
  Eric: Oh fuck yeah.
• 1:06:41
  Eric: I'm Team Phoenix.
• 1:06:42
  Matt: Uh so here's here's what I have to say about uh our our friend the Phoenix that hasn't been said yet.
• 1:06:50
  Matt: Um Eric, in everything I said, don't you think something's missing?
• 1:06:54
  Matt: And isn't that something a villain?
• 1:06:58
  Matt: Oh no.
• 1:06:59
  Matt: Doesn't he need a nemesis?
• 1:07:02
  Eric: Is it the guy who tried to steal a bus?
• 1:07:05
  Matt: I think it could be the or maybe Pete Holmes, the attorney.
• 1:07:08
  Matt: Uh who Pete Holmes will later come out to have his own secret identity.
• 1:07:13
  Matt: Eric, that's what I have for you on Phoenix Jones.
• 1:07:15
  Matt: Of course, we will put these images on the uh Phoenix will rise again.
• 1:07:19
  Eric: And there will come a time they will look up and shout, save us, and I'll whisper back.
• 1:07:29
  Eric: Yeah, he's pepper spraying them.
• 1:07:31
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:07:31
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:07:32
  Matt: I hope he uh can he does have according to his Instagram, he does seem to have a cool bike these days.
• 1:07:38
  Matt: But I hope he gets himself like a Phoenix mobile at some point.
• 1:07:42
  Matt: Uh but you know, our you know, who's Jennifer who sent this in set tells me he is a beloved fixture in Seattle.
• 1:07:49
  Matt: Uh uh, but uh, you know, maybe Molly selling withstanding.
• 1:07:55
  Matt: Uh but anyway, that's uh that'll I think that'll do it, Eric, for this round of local legends.
• 1:07:59
  Matt: I think it'll do.
• 1:08:00
  SPEAKER_02: And for the 30th episode of You Didn't Ask For This.
• 1:08:04
  Matt: Of course, we do need your questions.
• 1:08:07
  Matt: Send them in to us at uh you didn't ask for this gmail.com or the letter you didn't ask pod.
• 1:08:14
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, uh, you know, uh any any anything that comes to mind.
• 1:08:22
  Matt: Any anything, anything, any, any fast food related question.
• 1:08:25
  Matt: Anything.
• 1:08:26
  Matt: Any Molly related questions.
• 1:08:31
  Matt: Whatever, whatever you need.
• 1:08:32
  Matt: Whatever we're here for you.
• 1:08:34
  Matt: Yeah, we got you.
• 1:08:35
  Matt: Anything you want us to definitively rank, which uh, Eric, I think why don't we give a little teaser?
• 1:08:40
  Matt: Episode 31.
• 1:08:42
  Matt: Yep, we have you a Christmas definitive ranking coming.
• 1:08:48
  Matt: Uh, so that come on back in two weeks for that, folks.
• 1:08:52
  Matt: Eric, uh, anything else you want to add?
• 1:08:54
  Matt: Send us your former Pizza Huts.
• 1:08:56
  Matt: Oh, God, send us your former if you have former Pizza Huts in your area that have become something funny but are still identifiable, we will put those on Instagram.
• 1:09:05
  Matt: Absolutely, we'll throw that shit up.
• 1:09:07
  Matt: Like, send them to me.
• 1:09:09
  Matt: Send them to Eric, send them to your friends, and we will send them to the world.
• 1:09:14
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:09:14
  Matt: Actually, just don't send them to your friends, they won't understand.
• 1:09:18
  Matt: Uh, but you know what?
• 1:09:19
  Matt: Actually, this brings up a point that I've wanted to say before.
• 1:09:21
  Matt: If you're a fan of this podcast, Eric, uh which you should be, since you are I count myself among that number, yes.
• 1:09:27
  Matt: As do I.
• 1:09:28
  Matt: Tell go out and tell one friend.
• 1:09:31
  Matt: Just one friend about it.
• 1:09:33
  Matt: Just one friend, and then they'll tell one friend.
• 1:09:35
  Matt: And so on and so forth.
• 1:09:38
  Matt: And you could you you could also do it on Good Pods if you want.
• 1:09:41
  Matt: Lend us lend us a review if you wish.
• 1:09:43
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:09:44
  Eric: Fuck Leroy, that's right.
• 1:09:48
  Matt: There you go.
• 1:09:49
  Matt: There you go.
• 1:09:50
  Matt: Tell a friend, help us grow our uh grow our our our dedicated base that you, dear listener, are among.
• 1:09:58
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:09:58
  unknown: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:09:59
  Matt: Anything else, Eric?
• 1:10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Nope.
• 1:10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, not a goddamn thing.
• 1:10:02
  Matt: Well, then for all of us here at You Didn't Ask for This.
• 1:10:05
  Matt: My name's Matt Shea.
• 1:10:06
  Matt: My name's Eric Poach.
• 1:10:07
  Matt: And you didn't ask.
• 1:10:08
  SPEAKER_00: But nobody knew who I was until I pepper sprayed them in the face while wearing a bitch in costume.
• 1:10:15
  SPEAKER_00: No one cared.
• 1:10:16
  Matt: How many episodes do you think we've done a Bane voice?
• 1:10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, a number.
• 1:10:21
  SPEAKER_00: You merely adopted the stun baton.
• 1:10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was born to it.
• 1:10:25
  SPEAKER_00: By the time I saw the rain, I was already a man.
• 1:10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it was nothing but blumbo.
• 1:10:36
  Matt: Oh my god.