Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / I'm a Retired Christian Rapper | Rufat Agayev | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

I'm a Retired Christian Rapper | Rufat Agayev | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Nowadays it's tough to feel motivated.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: You guys remember when we all felt motivated?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Remember when we were sperm?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: How fucking motivated we were in there, right?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't give a fuck who died.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Get the fuck off me.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't tread on me.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just whipping our tails.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: We were storming the egg.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we were doing.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Pelosi! When we were sperm, we were all Republicans.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: We were all white.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And we were pro-life.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, now that I got the room together on their common history, I feel like we can move forward, right?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we were sperm and then we were born.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was born in Azerbaijan, right?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm half Armenian, half Azerbaijani, right?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And those two places, they're located in Caucasian.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's a real place.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: You guys know that's a real place?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Which that makes me, I'm a real Caucasian.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Not like you, like fake ass Caucasian, you know?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is what they think Caucasians look like, but no, I'm built differently than you.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: You see my nose?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's made from mountainous regions.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: The Caucasus Mountains.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: It takes in air and it cuts through wind.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's like an exhaust and a spoiler on my face.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know what Armenians and Azerbaijanis they both love to do, you guys know?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Kill each other.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: They love to kill each other.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's our favorite activity.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I was there, I was five, I was in Azerbaijan during a time of great unrest.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: You guys know what unrest is?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's like when you're trying to rest, but you need the UN.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: So me and my family, we fled.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Has anybody here fled a war?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, what a bunch of fucking posers.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone's, oh, I want to see the world.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want to travel.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Flee.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's advanced traveling.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know why we came here though, right?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: We fled the world, but we came here so I could chase my dreams.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Ever since I touched this soil, it was all about me and my dreams.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: When I was nine, I remember I told my Armenian grandfather, I looked him dead in the eye and I was like, I'm gonna go pro as a basketball player.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then he immediately sat me down and had a talk with me about genetics.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Groofai.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Our people, the Armenian people, our bodies are not built for the rigors of the National Basketball Association.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So you're gonna want to pick a sport that we're good at, like chess.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And he was right.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's never been an Armenian in the National Basketball Association.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you factor in the Kardashians, right, they're half Armenian.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: We've actually ruined more basketball careers.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: So when I figured out I couldn't do that, I made a lateral move.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: I became a rapper.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: A Christian rapper.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: When I was a teenager, I was in a group called Crisis.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that stood for Christian rappers, influenced by Scripture, infiltrating Satan.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of you want to know what are the Dark Lord's like weaknesses?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: How do you infiltrate the Dark Lord?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: So Satan hates raps about abstinence, right?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he hates.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I would spend a lot of time as a teenager in my room crafting some of the most innovative punchlines about how to deny sex that I was not being offered at the time.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very like dodgy energy I was putting out into the universe.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I remember I had this one rap where I was like, yo, I love God with my mind.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I love God with my heart.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, girl, I don't Noah tell her get off my ark.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Some people got that because you read your Bibles, but uh, that was me using the story of Noah's Ark as a metaphor to tell women to hop off my dick.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the best writing I've ever done.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I know, I know, ladies, a lot of ladies, and I'm not the most progressive lyrics towards you all, but I can assure you, I'm I am a feminist.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 130 pounds.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: At my size, I have no choice.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: How can I hate women and be petit?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just doesn't check out.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a gold weight.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's crazy.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's the pressure that I live under every day.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Being a gold weight.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want this life.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's miserable.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: But on a more serious note, I can't hate women because with my very own eyes, I saw a woman give up everything that she had so that I could have a little bit more in my life.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was raised by a single mother.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And single mothers, they do a great job.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Which is why when I have kids, they'll also be raised by a single mother.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to get in the way.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a feminist.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's really tough being this woke, man.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's getting to me.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm taking supplements.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but I have no choice.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've lived in Brooklyn for over a decade.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's the place I've lived in the longest.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can't go back.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I know too much.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I know things like where the male G spot is.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the face you made.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know where do you know where it is?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: How old are you?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: 24.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Kobe age.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're about to find out it's your Kobe age.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: About to have a mamba mentality now.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's in the butt.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's where it is, man.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's in the butt.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And as a former Christian rapper, I was thought that God didn't want you putting stuff in there.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: But then you think about it, you're like, well, that's where God put it.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's the G spot.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's God's spot.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's why when you tap on it, you scream out his name.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's a direct connection between you and the Father.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: You don't look at the Bible the same after you have this knowledge.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like that story with uh that story in the Bible with the Jews.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: They said they were gonna add reverb to that in post.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: But they were in the desert for 40 years with Moses, they were looking for the promised land.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it was inside of them the whole time.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's not in Palestine, it's in prostate.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I picked you for a reason because you're tough.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: You look like Dak Prescott, you know?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm tough.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a tough, straight guy.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: We're both tough, straight guys.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: They don't market this stuff to us.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen all the butt plugs.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen them all they have rhinestones, rubies, fur tails.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You want to reach to tough out to tough, straight guys like you and I, put a sports team on it.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: The Rams.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: The Browns.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: The Packers.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ready for some football, man.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you feel like as like as straight guys, there's no places we can go to be tough anymore, man.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, I'm progressive, but I just want to feel tough sometimes.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's weird.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I started going to weird places to feel tough.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like gas stations off an exit, right?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I like going to a little gas station in a rural town.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I like it because they got those big ass coffees, right?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I love a big the baristas aren't making 32 ouncers, you know?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Some big ass coffee.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't have oat milk.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: They got Reese's PC's creamer.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: We got real milk from real cows that eat candy.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know what else I love about gas stations?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Knockoff chargers are amazing, right?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you a a long boy, right?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like a 16-footer, right?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Braided, right?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: You put it in.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: iPhone does not recognize this accessory.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you do.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: You see that?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I licked it before I sticked it.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: I know stuff.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's who I did it for.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I did it for her.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Also, snacks, right?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Snacks are like the pinnacle of every gas station trip.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You go there to get snacks.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was going through West Virginia, stopped in at a gas station, and they were selling there the world's hottest chip.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys know about this.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a one-chip challenge, right?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's one chip, it's made out of Carolina Reaper.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you know something is hot.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: But when the pepper sounds like a Marvel character, that's Confederate.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And also the tongue, you eat this chip, right?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: You eat the chip, it turns your tongue blue.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: So then instantly you're like pro-cop.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's wild.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And they just sell this out in the open.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they sell it out in the open.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: In West Virginia, women aren't allowed to get abortions.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: It is illegal for women to get abortions in West Virginia.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: But you can buy the world's hottest chip.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I've done the one chip challenge.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies, if you're pregnant, it will kill your fetus.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to leave you all on a choice hack, okay?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Have a good night, huh?