Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Set Boundaries With Former Peers
Transcript
- Lucas: Allison had been a senior engineer at a midsize SaaS company for about four years. She knew the codebase inside out, she was the person everyone came to for debugging help, and she had a tight-knit group of four friends on the team — they got lunch together every day, they had a group chat that was half memes, half venting about the new product manager. Luna: Classic setup for the 'promoted to peer' situation. Lucas: Exactly. And then her manager left, and the VP came to her and said 'Allison, you're the natural lead. Take the team.' She said yes. And in the first two weeks, nothing changed. The group chat was still active, lunches were still together, people still came to her with complaints about the product manager. The only difference was that now she also had to do their performance reviews. Luna: And that's where the tension starts. Because the group chat dynamics don't automatically adjust just because you got a new title. Lucas: Right. So the first real rupture came when her friend Dave — who had been at the company even longer than Allison — came to her after a sprint retro and said 'Hey, can you not assign me that documentation task? I hate documentation, you know that.' And he said it with the same casual, buddy-buddy tone they'd always used. Luna: And Allison froze. Because saying no felt like betraying their friendship. But saying yes meant undermining her own authority on day one. Lucas: That's the core dilemma of the peer to boss transition. And it's why we're talking about it today — because this isn't a one-time conversation. It's a pattern. And if you don't have a framework for handling it, you'll either become the pushover manager or the manager who overcorrects and becomes cold and distant. Luna: So what did Allison do? Lucas: She did what a lot of new managers do — she said 'I'll think about it.' Then she spent the weekend agonizing, came back Monday and gave Dave the documentation task anyway, but she apologized for it. And that apology basically told Dave 'Yes, I'm the boss, but I feel bad about it.' Which is a terrible signal. Luna: It's like saying 'I have authority, but I'm not comfortable using it.' And teams pick up on that immediately. Lucas: They do. So we worked with Allison on a three-step framework for setting boundaries that we want to walk through today. Step one is something we call 'name the shift.' The new manager has to explicitly acknowledge that the relationship has changed — not in a punitive way, but factually. Luna: So instead of just hoping everyone notices the new title, you actually say the quiet part out loud. Lucas: Exactly. Allison sat down with Dave one-on-one — not in the group chat, not at lunch — and said 'Hey, I want to be transparent about something. I'm now in a role where I have to make decisions about task assignments and eventually reviews. I still value our friendship, but I need to make those calls based on what the team needs, not on personal preferences.' That's it. No apology. Just a clear statement. Luna: How did Dave react? Lucas: He was a bit taken aback at first. But then he said 'Okay, I get it.' And the interesting thing is, he actually started treating her slightly more formally after that — which was uncomfortable at first, but it was healthy. Because it meant the boundary was being respected. Luna: So step one is naming the shift. What's step two? Lucas: Step two is what we call 'separate the roles.' The idea is that you can still be friends with your former peers, but you need to have clear contexts for when you're the manager and when you're just Allison. So one concrete tactic is to avoid discussing work complaints or personnel issues in social settings. Luna: Meaning if the group chat starts veering into venting about another team member, you either redirect or you mute the conversation. Lucas: Exactly. Allison's rule became: if it's about a person or a decision she has authority over, it doesn't belong in the group chat. She told her friends 'I love you guys, but I can't be part of those conversations anymore because it puts me in an impossible position.' And she offered an alternative — if they had a concern, they could bring it to her in a one-on-one or to the team retro. Luna: And that actually strengthens the team's processes. Because instead of backchannel complaints, issues get surfaced in the right forums. Lucas: Right. And step three is 'reinforce consistently.' This is the hardest part, because the old patterns will keep trying to reassert themselves. A former peer will slip and ask for a favor in the old way, or expect you to cover for them in a meeting. And as a new manager, you have to gently but firmly restate the boundary every single time. Luna: So it's not a one-and-done conversation. It's more like muscle memory — you have to practice it until it becomes natural. Lucas: Exactly. And the good news is, after about three or four weeks, the new pattern starts to stick. The team adjusts. The friendships may even deepen — because now the relationship is based on mutual respect rather than just shared complaining. Luna: I want to pause on something you said earlier — that Allison felt lonely at first. I think that's an under-discussed part of the transition. When you set boundaries, you lose some of the easy camaraderie. It can feel isolating. Lucas: Absolutely. And I think we need to normalize that. If you're a new manager and you feel a little lonely in the first 90 days, that's not a sign you're doing it wrong. It's a sign you're doing it right. The old dynamics had to break down before new, healthier ones can form. Luna: It reminds me of something I heard a leadership coach say once: 'You can't stay in the clubhouse and also run the team.' You have to choose. Lucas: That's a great line. And the key is that you're not choosing to be exclusionary — you're choosing to be fair to everyone. Because if you give your friends special treatment, you're actually doing a disservice to the rest of the team and to your friends themselves, who never get honest feedback. Luna: So what did Allison's story look like after three months? Lucas: After three months, the group chat had shifted from venting to mostly logistics and social plans. Dave still grumbled about documentation tasks, but he grumbled to everyone equally, not just to Allison. And she felt like she could actually give him feedback on his performance without it feeling like a betrayal. She told me the biggest surprise was that her friendships actually improved — they became more honest. Luna: Because the unspoken tension was gone. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the goal — not to become the boss who has no friends, but to become the boss who has clear, adult relationships with everyone on the team. Luna: You know, speaking of honest relationships — this kind of practical advice is exactly why people tell us they listen to this show. And if you've found value in episodes like this one, a couple of dollars a month is genuinely what keeps these going — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, if you've gotten something out of them. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small way to keep the show ad-free and focused on real scenarios. So thanks to anyone who's done that. Luna: Alright, let's get back to the boundary framework. One thing we didn't touch on is what happens when a former peer actively resists the new boundary — like, they get defensive or accuse you of 'acting like a manager now.' Lucas: That's a real challenge. And it usually happens because the former peer feels a sense of loss. They've lost their confidant, their ally in the trenches. So the best response is empathy — 'I hear that this feels different for you. It feels different for me too. But I need to do this job well, and that means I have to be fair to everyone.' Luna: And if they still don't accept it? Lucas: Then you may need to have a more serious conversation about professional expectations. In rare cases, the friendship doesn't survive the transition. And that's painful, but it's also part of the cost of stepping into leadership. Most of the time, though, people adjust — especially if you're consistent and kind. Luna: One more thing — what about the reverse? The new manager who is so afraid of looking weak that they become overly formal and cut off their former friends entirely? Lucas: That's the overcorrection I mentioned earlier. And it's just as damaging. Because then you lose the trust and informal intelligence that makes a team run smoothly. The goal is not to become a robot. It's to have clear boundaries while still being human. You can still grab lunch with your old friends — you just don't use that lunch to complain about the VP of product. Luna: So it's about intentionality. Knowing which hat you're wearing at any given moment. Lucas: Exactly. And that's a skill you build over time. No one gets it perfect in the first 30 days. But if you start with naming the shift, separating the roles, and reinforcing consistently, you give yourself — and your team — the best chance at a smooth transition. Luna: Great framework. Next week we'll talk about another first-90-days challenge: how to handle a direct report who is older and more experienced than you. Lucas: That's a good one. See you then.