Latest / WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas / 137: Difficult Conversations & Self-Defense: In the Boardroom and on the Streets

Transcript

137: Difficult Conversations & Self-Defense: In the Boardroom and on the Streets · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_12: I just came back from three hours of driving, and I know how LA of me to talk about traffic as soon as you press start in this podcast episode.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_12: See, my family from England is in town and they went to my parents for dinner, and I just wanted to see them before they go.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_12: And this was planned last minute because Filipinos always plan stuff last minute, unfortunately.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_12: So I had some sessions with clients that was already scheduled, but I knew that with them leaving in a couple of days, I knew that I would rather spend time with them.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_12: So obviously asked my clients to move it.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_12: So, how does this have anything to do with the title of the podcast episode where you hit play?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_12: Because you're like, Elaine, I'm here to learn how to deal with difficult conversations in both the boardroom and I want to see these self-defense moves.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_12: Well, this is actually part of it.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_12: Having difficult conversations starts with you.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_12: How do you honor yourself?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_12: And for me, honoring myself today, as I'll be honest, I am recording this intro and out show pretty late, is going to see my family.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_12: You know, we live in this such self-care world where it's about Manny and Petty, sleeping in a little bit more, but actually self-care is going deeper, having that difficult conversation with yourself.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_12: And when it comes to actually preparing for those difficult conversations, because as I'm recording this, the World Cup is still happening.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_12: I make some NBA final references because when I did the talk, which was about a month ago from recording this, it was the NBA finals.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_12: And just like athletes, you need to think about it.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_12: You, as a leader, need to prepare before you head into a difficult conversation of what they might say, how they might react.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_12: So you're going to learn these tip tricks and scripts.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_12: And also last minute, because I had to do this presentation twice, one for one day, another for the second day.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_12: And then I decided on the second day to give some self-defense moves.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_12: So you're gonna want to watch this.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_12: If anything, I'll let you know when to watch it.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_12: So if you're driving, please don't watch this.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_12: But you could watch this on YouTube or Spotify.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_12: But you are going to enjoy this episode.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_12: I would say this is by far, up till now, when I'm recording this, my favorite presentation that I have done because I got to be fully into my element where I got to talk about conscious conversations, having difficult conversations, and what to do when you have to use self-defense moves.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_12: All right, grab your coffee, tea, or boba, and let's drop the beat.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_13: So just did 21 coaching sessions at Women Leading Travel.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_13: Did two communication workshops in self-defense.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_13: How was it?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_13: You did some saw some self-defense.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_13: How was it for you just having me speak and do the workshop?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_06: Just incredible.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_06: Uh you're so interact you got everyone to be so interactive with you, and I love that you bring the self-defense to the main stage because there's some really practical insights that women who travel for a living really need to know.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_06: Women in general really need to know, but just knowing that we can, like you said, you don't have to be big and strong.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_06: You can use your own power and your brain is really important.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_13: And I know you saw me also teaching communication, and you've also heard from other people about my coaching.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_13: What do you want to share about that experience?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_06: I want to share that Elaine is not just insightful and kind, she's putting the science behind this.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_06: She has a degree that backs this and she has the data to prove it.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_06: And as you can see, she works with people around the world really high, whether it's executives or professional athletes.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_06: She knows how to get into your brain and help you focus and really succeed.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_13: And for those people that are considering wanting to have me as a speaker coach, what do you want to share?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_06: I would share if you want to have fun and really grow, then she's a great fit.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_06: She'll make you laugh and she'll really make you think as well, and you'll come out of there with some really tangible knowledge.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_13: Thank you, Liz.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_13: Thank you.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_13: So we just finished a coaching session here at the Risk Carlton, New Orleans.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_13: I'm at the Women Leading Child in Hospitality.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_13: So who are you?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_13: Hi, I'm Rachel.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_13: Um and Rachel, so Rachel got to experience a self-defense workshop with me yesterday morning, and then we just did a coaching session.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_13: Um, I would love for you to share your experience in both.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_13: So maybe we'll start with self-defense.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_13: What do you want to show with self-defense?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_13: Yes.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_16: So yesterday morning in our self-dec-defense class, I was so impressed with the hour that we had.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_16: You showed us so many moves that were, I want to say, like outside of your standard when you think of self-defense and what you're gonna learn and take away.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_16: This was next level, I would say.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_16: Because you pulled from so many different areas of like expertise and styles, and you really made it practical while also giving the mindset behind the moves as well.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, it was very practical and tactical.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_13: And then we just literally finished our 30-minute coaching session.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_13: And you're in my last session.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_13: I was booked up.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_13: How hard was it to book me?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_13: Oh my god, it was so hard.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_16: I had to like snag the last time slot and be like, yes.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_13: So for those of the people that might be interested in coaching with me, what was your experience that you want to share?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_16: Well, first of all, I feel like with it being the 30 minutes, it was like a fantastic amount of time.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_16: So getting to be with you and the things that you can bring to life in whatever timeline you're given and not make it feel rushed either.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_16: First and foremost was fantastic.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_16: And how many tools that you give.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_16: So I was saying a second ago, like you are fantastic at giving like tactical, practical, actual takeaway exercises, whether it's within the physical body or within kind of like your mental, but then also you just bring such an energy to these sessions, how thoughtfully you're something up.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_16: Oh my god.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_13: Look, it was crystals, and then we have like some incense.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_13: We have, can you pick up that candle and the incense?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_13: Because I can't pick it up.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_16: It was beautiful.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_16: It did just awaken all the senses, the smell, the touch, the music, the lighting.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_16: Like it was very thoughtfully created, and you're so intentional in everything you do, and it's just very much appreciated.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, thank you so much.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_13: I appreciate you.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_13: We will keep in touch.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_13: Yes, I'm excited.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_16: She's doing a workshop today, too.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_16: So I cannot wait to see her in action, and I know it's gonna be wonderful.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_13: Thank you.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_13: Thank you.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_13: I guess they chose me after lunch because I am pretty loud and engaging, hopefully.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_13: And I really wish I was wearing the outfit that you see up here instead of what I'm wearing right now.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_13: So, and by the way, that is not AI, that is actually me.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_13: Um, anyone from Los Angeles, by the way?
• 7:20
  unknown: Pardon?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_13: Anyone from Los Angeles, LA?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_13: No?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_13: Or have been there?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, so this is this isn't silver, like, so I was the weirdo doing a photo shoot in a robe.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_13: Don't worry, there was clothes under, so I wasn't, I wasn't one of those.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_13: All right, when everything feels like chaos, communicating clearly as a leader.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_13: So I am curious, what sport did you play or do you currently play?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_13: I just want you to yell it out loud.
• 7:48
  unknown: Volunteer, pickleball.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_13: Basketball, volleyball, pickleball.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_13: That's why pickleball is there.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_13: Yoga?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_13: Anyone?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_13: So for me, the sport I did is I do Muay Thai.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_13: So if you're in my who was in my self-defense this morning?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_13: I know, fear of missing out.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_13: I was here to create guilt.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_13: I'm just kidding.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_13: I will just be sharing, uh, I'll be sharing a couple of moves.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_13: But, you know, I have been doing Muay Thai for 21 years because unfortunately I was bullied when I was younger.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_13: I was also bullied in the workplace.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_13: And in case you were wondering, I never beat up my bully.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_13: So that did not happen.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_13: I also played basketball, track and field, and I have a very controversial question.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_13: Um, which team are you reading for right now?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_13: I am an ally to both.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_13: I'm obviously from LA, so I'm a Lakers fan, but it is beautiful to watch these two incredible teams playing right now.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_13: So why am I even and also you can get the slides using this QR code?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_13: The QR code is throughout the presentation, so don't worry if you're not gonna get it up right now.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_13: Um, the reason, and the QR code's still there.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_13: The reason why I talked about sports is because with communication, it's about being curious, it's about being an observer, and it's being like an athlete.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_13: Whether you have been an athlete, currently an athlete.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_13: Did anyone do the stylus color sessions, by the way?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_13: Just curious.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_13: I couldn't because I had to do coaching, so I wish I did.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_13: But I find it really helpful because I've actually hired my own stylist myself.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_13: So when we make decisions, so often it comes from data, right?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_13: Supply chains and systems and numbers, but what people forget, it's also communication, which is what we see in sports as well.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_13: So, anyone on Spider-Man?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_13: I'm just curious.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_13: So I am saying you're not alone because in this presentation, every single presentation, all my one-to-one coachings, which unfortunately I am booked solid, is I ask for feedback.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_13: I don't do a copy and paste when it comes to my presentations.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_13: Similar to how when you have those high-stakes conversations and those meetings, it shouldn't just be a copy and paste.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_13: Just like the Knicks and the Spurs preparing for the next game, my question to you is before those meetings, do you also prepare?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_13: So, for example, Lakers or I'm gonna bring up Kobe and Shaq, they hated each other.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_13: And even though they hated each other, they had still a common goal, which is their championship.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_13: And they had to figure out how to communicate with one another.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_13: So the reason why I have this slide up that you're not alone is because I just want to share with you the data that I've compiled when I prep for this workshop.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_13: Here's the top three challenges.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_13: There's a lot of gifts because I'm an elder millennial.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_13: The first is information overload.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_13: One of you have shared this.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_13: The amount of information initiatives coming at me, I'm having to filter, triage, prioritize before it even reaches my team.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_13: I'm seeing a lot of head nods.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_13: And I love this quote by Esther Perrell.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_13: We have been more connected in this world, but we're also more disconnected.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_13: It's easier to it's easy to use a screen so we're not having those hard conversations.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_13: The second challenge, role ambiguity and lack of clarity from above.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_13: One of you share the lack of clarity with where the company is headed.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_13: Third challenge is communicating under emotional pressure.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_13: The goals for the next five years.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_13: This is, if any of you have been to my virtual events, I have done, I have done two.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_13: This is my first in-person with all of you.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_13: What's interesting is the number one goal for the majority of you is advance to a higher leadership role.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_13: So by the end of it, I'll actually share tactical and practical things for you to advance to that higher role, whether it's within your organization or another as well.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_13: Second, leading and influencing at greater scale.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_13: Third, career transition.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_13: What movie is this?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_13: Anyone?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, harder question.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_13: What is the phone she threw away?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_13: Sidekick! Um, and then what you want?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_13: You want immediate and usable tools, not another motivational talk.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_13: I always joke around with companies that I work with.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_13: I'm not here for inspiration.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_13: I'm sure I could be inspirational and motivational, but I want to make sure I provide practical and tactical.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_13: Two, helping filter and deciding what to communicate.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_13: And three, helping bring the team back together.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_13: So, what movie is this again?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_13: I'm just making sure you're all awake if you have no idea what I'm doing right now.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_13: Who are you?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_13: I'm the oldest daughter of a Filipino immigrant farmer.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_13: And I share that because I'm curious, how many of you are oldest daughters or only daughters?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_13: I am not surprised.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_13: So, a book that I'm actually reading right now, which I highly recommend, is Autoimmunity and the Good Girls.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_13: I'm the I'm in the middle of reading this book, but six out of ten eldest and only daughters have autoimmunity.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_13: And whether you have autoimmunity or not, um, what's interesting is what I hear from all of you.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_13: I am burnt out.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_13: I am tired.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_13: That's also another level of, you know, society tells us as a woman to hold together, put other people first before ourselves.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_13: And every single coaching session that I have done, regardless if it has been at this conference or other clients, it's like, okay, actually, when client share this, and I'll put it here, I am done betraying myself.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_13: And my question is, are you brave enough to listen to yourself?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_13: Which I haven't gone to other sessions, but it seems like it's been a common theme that you've been hearing.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_13: Because I think because of Hollywood, we think it's like this booming voice, or you need to wait until this life situation that happens.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_13: But the reality is, is what you need to do, it comes in whispers.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_13: And is are you brave enough to listen to those whispers as well?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_13: So self-care is more than just nail polish, massage, and traveling, which I love doing.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_13: Self-care is having these tough, honest conversations, and it starts with you.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_13: So I've trained and coached Fortune 500 leaders.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_13: I have online courses with 30 plus universities.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_13: My number one watched course that I do is called Identity Crisis: How to Realign Your Career with Your Life, which I feel like everybody is having nowadays.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_13: But I'm more known for my 300 plus client reviews.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_13: I helped my client Shayla Gage.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_13: She was the former VP of Starbucks, and now she's a VP at Signet Jewelers.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_13: But I've also failed.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_13: I've been fired, let go, and bullied.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_13: So communicating better with yourself and your team is like being like an athlete.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_13: So I'm gonna help you practice with some plays, a aka some words and scripts.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_13: So you'll get a dashboard, scripts, and a practical plan, and then I want to make sure you all know I'm not the only expert here.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_13: All of your experts and leaders.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_13: So I just want to make sure we're supporting one another.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_13: All right, you ready?
• 14:41
  unknown: Yes.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_13: This is my framework.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_13: It's called Conscious Conversations.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_13: Where are you all passionate about what you do?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_13: I'm just curious.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_13: Anyone want to share out loud?
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_13: I told you I don't want to be the only one talking.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_13: This is my lazy way to do speaking.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_13: What about collaboration specifically?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_15: Um, nice color suit, by the way.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_13: Thank you.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_13: It's from Express, FYI.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_13: Very nice.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_15: Um, I think I get a lot of fulfillment out of it.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_15: I I like to see um being able to effectively connect dots and make impact in my community that way.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_15: Um, building product and being able to share um art.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_15: I'm with an RDMO and and I love my destination, and and it's nice to be able to do that for a living and um to be able to pass that along through collaboration is very fulfilling.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_13: I'm I feel like I'm just like an Oprah's book club.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_13: So, how how many of you feel like the work you're doing, even though you might not be a singer or dancer, you feel like an artist.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_13: Like I actually feel like it's an art.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_13: Even reading people, knowing what they want, being in a room, knowing how to communicate, that's an art.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_13: So the book that I finished reading is called The Art of Being by Rick Rubin, who's a popular producer, but just I don't know, I think we forget to also be in the present moment and that it is an art.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_13: So thank you for sharing that.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, pause.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_13: I know you want the scripts, I know you want the strategies, but we're gonna start with you first.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_13: Managing your nerves and understanding your trauma response.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_13: Not just yourself, but other people that's in the room.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_13: So being mindful that when you're with that narcissistic person that you work with, because it seems like all of you work with narcissistic people, um, including past tense, including myself, uh, my prior experience, I used to work in political campaigns as a fundraiser.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_13: After that, I worked in the nonprofit sector working at a community college.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_13: So, yes, I dealt with a lot of narcissists, but understanding what mode they usually are in, fight mode, and what mode are you in?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_13: Is it freeze or fawn?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_13: Or it might be a combination, just even knowing that.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_13: So when you're preparing for those meetings, it's not just what are my talking points, what is their trauma response, and what is my trauma response.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_13: And when you are having those high-stakes conversations, are you coming from a place of curiosity or judgment?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_13: So I studied in my bachelor's, I studied cognitive sciences.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_13: So this is a picture of the brain.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_13: And the amygdala, which is the bottom part, think of that as the smoke detector.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_13: Wait, this is a narcissistic person I'm working with.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_13: This reminds me of my narcissistic family member.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_13: The hippocampus is the librarian.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_13: It reminds you of all the past experiences that you've worked with a narcissist, and you're like, I'm just gonna freeze and not deal with it.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_13: You know how people tell you to breathe, right?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_13: And I'm from LA.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_13: Oh my god, there's this other LA girl telling me to breathe.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_13: Let me explain the science behind it so that you understand.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_13: So, prefrontal cortex, right here in your forehead, that's what makes us stand out as human beings.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_13: Prefrontal cortex has the rational and logical thinking.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_13: When you're breathing, because your prefrontal cortex is the farthest away from your brainstem as well as your nose, you're actually able to think more logically.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_13: That's why when you breathe, you're able to think logically.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_13: If you've ever had an anxiety or panic attack or you felt stressed out, watch how your breathing is.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_13: It's probably really short.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_13: And so when I catch it for myself, I'm making sure I take long breaths.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_13: And in the Navy SEALs, they do a box breathing four seconds in, four seconds out, four seconds in, four seconds out.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_13: That's why it's called box.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_13: If you've I just learned that by the way.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_13: Box breathing, breathe in.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_13: Let's do it together.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_13: All right, you're gonna breathe in when I go across.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_13: Ready?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_13: Breathe in.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_13: One, two, three, four, breathe out.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_13: One, two, three, four.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_13: Breathe in.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_13: One, two, three, four.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_13: Breathe out.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_13: One, two, three, four.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_13: Are you fully digested?
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_13: And athletes do this all the time.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_13: Like, I love watching Simone Biles right before she's about to do a performance.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_13: Because if we're not breathing, you become my favorite Disney princess.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_13: Anxiety.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_13: So don't forget to breathe.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_13: Is anyone familiar with zones of regulation?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_13: I am grateful for my therapists teaching this to me.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_13: And this is a great way that you could also teach your kids.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_13: But when you're communicating with other people, and let's say you're in trauma response, you want to make sure you're able to reply back when you're in the green zone.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_13: Not necessarily happy, but when you're calm and neutral.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_13: This is not just communicating.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_13: I would also say when you are making a decision, you shouldn't just be so hiding in emotion, both sad or really happy, just making sure it's neutral.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_13: That's how you know when you're ready to make a decision.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_13: And I get it, sometimes it's like you're in a high six, I need to make this decision really fast.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_13: And that's why breathing really helps and it's important.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_13: So I would love for you to pause and share what do you do to calm yourself?
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_13: Anyone else want to share any tips?
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: I listen to when I have anxiety and I'm going into a situation like a serious meeting or something like that, um, I listen to a frequency sound.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: I stick one earbud in, turn on the frequency sound, and breathe and walk to the thing, and I'm calm by the time I get to the thing.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_13: Does anyone, thank you for sharing that?
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_13: Is anyone familiar with EMDR therapy, which is what I have done?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_13: So what EMDR, I'm gonna go back to the brain.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_13: So we have left and right hemisphere, and let's say a traumatic experience happened.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_13: I'm gonna give an example of, and this did happen.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_13: Um, you know, I was three years old, my grandma said, Don't touch the hot water.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_13: What do you do when you're three?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_13: I touch the hot water because I don't listen to roles.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_13: And then I mean my hand is fine, but I had third-degree burns.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_13: So when I hear the heightened state, like yelling, I get into freeze mode because it brings me back.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_13: And that traumatic experience when I was three, and there's big T's and small T's, if you've ever heard of that, there's big traumatic events that happen and small traumatic events.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_13: So that small traumatic event, it had created kind of like think of it like a scar in your brain.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_13: So anytime you get triggered in adult form, it shows up.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_13: So how do you rewire it?
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_13: Rewire it, definitely find an EMTR therapist that could email you all information about that.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_13: One, but two, to what she was just sharing.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_13: When you are walking, you're moving bilaterally, left and right.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_13: So you're moving your brain.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_13: If there's states when you can't move left or right, you could do butterfly, but I know that's probably weird when you're doing it on Zoom.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_13: Or you could just do this left, right when you're doing it.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_13: And I would also suggest breathing.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_13: So when you're working with a narcissist in height-end, it's you could also phrase back, hey, I want to make sure I get this right, or let me think about it for a second.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_13: And it's important to slow your pace by 30%.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_13: So I'm sharing this because I know we live in a very in a social media scrolling and we feel like we need to respond right away.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_13: I would say you don't have to.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_13: And you could also pause, like, hey, let me get back to you, or I want to be intentional, let me process this for a bit.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_13: You don't need to respond right away.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_13: Like, I really care about this project, so I'll get back to you.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_13: And I get it, if you have to think about or decide about it for a minute, just like give me a few seconds right now.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, perspectives and priorities.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_13: So this A situation one of you shared the amount of information initiatives coming at me.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_13: I have to filter and triage, or I need help getting the C suite to understand what the team is handling.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_13: And going back to the book, Autoimmunity and Good Girl, being a good girl is not just helping.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_13: It's a reminder saying yes to everything is not loyalty, it's also self-abandonment.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_13: And holding the priority line isn't difficult, it's the job.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_13: So you have permission to put yourself and others first.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_13: And remember, and I get it, we say this all the time because I love being a woman and we are emotional, but saying my team is overwhelmed is not helpful to hear for the business.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_13: What they want to know is understand what the risk, the cost, and the outcome is.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_13: And your job is just to translate the team's reality with their language, with the corporate language.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_13: So this is a script you can use, and it's in that QR code, but I want to give you a clear picture of what my team is currently carrying because I think some of it is not visible from where you sit, and I completely understand your busy day-to-day.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_13: And I want you to have a full picture.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_13: In the past six months, in the past one year, we've done 50 things.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_13: But I also want to let you know before having this meeting, you shouldn't just list it out.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_13: You should also create a memo of it of everything that your team has done.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_13: Hey, and also we've done these 20 things where we've had to cut our team by 50%.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_13: We're executing all of it, but I want to be honest, we're we're at capacity, that's a typo.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_13: And I'm not, I also want to say I'm end it with this.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_13: I'm not complaining, I am giving you data.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_13: So my team is overwhelmed, it's not necessarily data for them.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_13: You want to give, okay, what are all the things that you are doing as well with the limited resources you have?
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_13: And advocating with a specific ask, this is another way you could phrase it.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_13: I'm not here to ask you to fix everything, I'm here to ask for a prioritization decision.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_13: So if you could tell me the top two things that matter most in the next 90 days, I'll redirect every resource and the rest can wait.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_13: Bringing the team's voice upward because, right, our direct reports, they tend to be, they tend to know what is happening on the ground.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_13: And letting your boss know, hey, before I came to you, I asked my team one question.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_13: What do you need from me to make sure leadership understands about what we're carrying?
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_13: I want to share what they said because they're closer at the work than both of us, and here's what they said, and then create the memo.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_13: It's interesting because all of my one-to-one sessions I've been hearing, I just I just want to protect my team.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_13: I want to be able to figure out what I need to do.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_13: I would say, yes, protect, but also collaborate and connect with them.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_13: Hey, what are you seeing?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_13: Obviously, I may not be able to share everything from leadership, but I need to hear what you're seeing on the ground and where you're at capacity, what are mistakes that you possibly could see in the future so I could advocate for you.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_13: And it's okay to be vulnerable.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_13: I actually don't know that's everything that's clear that's happening on top right now.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_13: And this happens, right?
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_13: When leadership keeps adding without removing, even though you've shared it with them.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_13: It's like how many of you have dogs by any chance?
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_13: You know how you have to train your dog to go potty?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_13: They don't get it right away.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_13: It's the same thing when you're managing up, you're repeating yourself.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_13: I know it's like I already spoke to them about it, but you have to continue speaking about it.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_13: Hey, I want to say yes to this, but while at the same time, help me understand which of these are priorities, because we already agreed in this place.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_13: Because my team is at capacity, I want to make sure we're spending it at the capacity that's important.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_13: I'm not saying no, I'm just asking you to help reprioritize it.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_13: The work doesn't speak for itself, you do.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_13: And leadership, they're just busy.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_13: So they're not gonna notice on their own.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_13: So tell them.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_13: But like I said, this is a group of leaders.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_13: So I'm curious, what have you done when the situation has arrived?
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_13: Has anyone done a specific strategy or tip?
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_13: I'm just curious.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_08: These happen with our training and professional development side of the house, which is a team of two within my department.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_08: So what I asked them to do was to one map every every request out, and then have a couple of columns where we can then help set the priority and then outline that with the capacity that the team could actually execute.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_08: So it forced the prioritization on us to say, okay, I think this one, oh sorry, how the priority and the effort.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_08: So is it high priority and was it high effort, XS or large, or how big of an effort would it be for the team?
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_08: And then it forced us to say this one comes first and this one comes next, and that helped us think through quarters in the year, and we had to drop things.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_08: But until we saw it everything listed, we we just kept adding and adding and adding, and the team was overwhelmed.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_13: What I'm hearing as a theme is collecting all the data from your direct reports.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_13: I know we want to protect, that's what we do as women, but okay, how can we protect by also collaborating and working together?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_13: So getting that information.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_13: And also letting them know, hey, I'm also not clear about everything and being vulnerable with it.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_13: Managing down.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_13: So script to use managing down collaboratively.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_13: I want to be honest with you.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_13: We are caring more than we have capacity for, but before I make any calls about what to focus on, I want your perspective.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_13: So this is to what she was sharing earlier.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_13: I want to, like, I just really want to know what are the two to three priorities this quarter, what would you say they are?
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_13: What's creating the most friction?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_13: What do you need off your plate?
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_13: I'll share your input first, but I want to give you a heads up before I meet with you.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_13: So another thing, it's not just having the meeting, it's hey, can you prep for the meeting you and I are about to have?
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_13: And just let me know with the list of things that you are doing.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_13: So sharing that.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_13: And then after listening, follow up.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_13: Here's what I'm hearing from you.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_13: So doing the actual meeting.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_13: Here's what I'm hearing from you, here's what I'm seeing my perspective.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_13: Based on both, here's what I want to focus on, and here's what I'm trying to take off your plate and delay.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_13: So stop protecting your team from the hard stuff.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_13: They're adults, and they can handle it, and honestly, they're probably going to figure it out anyway.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_13: All right, another thing is have anyone used a communication dashboard?
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_13: We always put data for our clients for portfolios, but do we also put data with the people that we're working with as well?
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_13: Kind of like if you're watching sports, if you watch baseball, you know the stats.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_13: This person has X percent they're about, they're going to hit, this person is not going to be able to catch it.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_13: So putting everyone that you work with, their goals, communication style, who do they work well with and why?
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_13: Why do I need to improve my communication with them?
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_13: And what topics should I avoid or discuss?
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_13: And I always like telling people pretend you are at a safari and you're just observing people.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_13: The thing about humans and leaders, we are full of patterns.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_13: Um, a couple of people that I have coached talking about the narcissist, for example, you always know what line they're going to say when you're about to have that contentious conversation.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_13: I'm curious, if you know what line they're gonna say, what can you say back?
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_13: So, like I said earlier, I used to be bullied.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_13: And a phrase that I would ask if someone was bullying me, I'm curious, did you want to try to make me feel a certain way?
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_13: What was your intention for saying that?
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_13: Can you repeat yourself?
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_13: The questions I'm doing is I am asking from a place of curiosity.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_13: I'm also bouncing it back.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_13: Because here's the thing when you're getting a high-end conversation with a narcissist, they love rolling over, they want the dopamine hit.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_13: To have the dopamine hit, they want you to yell back.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_13: You don't give it to them.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_13: You stay calm, cool, and collective.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_13: In your mind, you could be beating the shit out of them in your head.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_13: But in terms of the conversation you're having, you're completely calm.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_13: And then what's interesting, and there's something called mirror neurons, when you're calm, they're gonna have to be able to go down to and have a conversation.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_13: And even reminding them, hey, I know you're saying you, you, you, and this is your idea.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_13: I just want to remind you, we're working on this project.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_13: What do you need from me?
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, do we need it's I want to make sure I want to honor your attempt.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_13: So if we're not heading anywhere right now, can we meet tomorrow then at five?
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_13: But I also want to let you know that we need to know an answer for this because ABC stakeholders need to have this answer by.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_13: I love reminding narcissists what's a consequence if a decision's not made.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_13: But I also say we, I don't say you, because if you're attacking them, then they're gonna take it personally.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_13: These are all like just mind games.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_13: But it's it's like sports.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_13: That's why I brought sports in as an example in the beginning.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_13: So having difficult conversations.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_13: How many of you do sales?
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_13: I'm curious.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_13: Similar to what you do in sales, you should also be doing it with your team members that you're working with.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_13: Before meetings, are you asking them how you want them to feel?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_13: If you know they're gonna have a you're gonna have a hard conversation with someone, are you asking other people so you could create allies and advocates for that?
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_13: What's your opening?
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_13: What do you think they're going to say?
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_13: What are issues?
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_13: You're preparing like you're a trial attorney.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_13: Or you're an athlete as well.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_13: All right, I see you all taking pictures.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_13: Anyone else want to share any other scripts or tips?
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_13: I'm just curious that you have been able to use successfully.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes I ask people, especially when they're you said the narcissist or someone who's to actually repeat themselves.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_04: And it almost stuns them as if I'm like, I just want to make sure that I heard you correctly.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_04: Can you repeat what you just said?
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_13: Yes.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_04: And just pause and look at them.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_13: Like a dog.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_13: And I get it.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_13: Um, and I get it.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_13: We're in like trauma response.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_13: He just said that.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_13: So if we're in trauma response, a good script I like using similarly, like, can you repeat yourself?
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_13: Because they know what they're trying to do, that dopamine hit they want to make you feel less than.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_13: And what happens in their brain is like, fuck, Elaine figured me out.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_13: And I was like, yeah, asshole.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_13: It's really interesting when you start doing, like, when you start catching them in a very calm way, it's like, oh, I I can't get her anymore.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_13: And it's amazing.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: When they say something under their breath, uh think and they do it because they want you to hear it, but then uh not really for others not to hear them, and then you say, I'm sorry, can you speak up?
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't quite hear you.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then they have to repeat it.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: They no, no, no, I didn't say anything.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, no, no, no, you did.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: Please say it loud enough so that then they realize that they well, they know that they look like uh jackass.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_13: I've been cussing.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_13: I think you're allowed to cuss here, so yes.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, she'll report back.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: But it's um, you know, and I I actually used to do internal audit or and I would do fraud investigations.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_13: Ooh, you're my type of person.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: When you're getting those kind of people that have just been caught in a lie or doing something wrong, or even just uh not doing their jobs properly, it's not like you were gonna get fired for making a mistake, but they they go into that mode of like, oh, you know, this person is uh, you know, uh whatever they want to refer to.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: You I would just ask them, I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear you.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Did you say something?
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh uh you say, no, no, no, no, no.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then they are the ones that look like cowards.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_13: I just like asking questions.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_13: Yes, there's another hand right here.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_10: I think one of the things that we do in our organization is that if somebody comes into a conversation um with uh with an emotion or at a level that's unexpected for that conversation, we stop the conversation and we ask that question, where is that emotion coming from?
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_10: Because it doesn't seem equal to what we're talking about.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_10: And they'll like it typically it's a defensive stance, and they'll be like, yeah, but I'm like, no, no, we're not talking about the thing anymore.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_10: We're now talking about you.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_10: Where is that emotion coming from?
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_10: Because typically it's not me and it's not the thing, it's something that that person is dealing with, and let's talk about it right now and take it off the table.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_13: It's the pattern interrupt because there's so much, like I that's why I start off with the trauma response before I share the scripts.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_13: There's so much in the trauma response, and they're just in the tunnel vision.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_13: So then when you ask the question, where's the emotion?
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_13: Like, it's not emotion.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_13: This this is facts, like, and you just nod and do like the head and start looking.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_13: Another thing, when someone's kind of steamrolling and just talking over you and you have that beautiful idea that would actually answer the question, but they just want to hear themselves talk.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_13: A little tip is saying their first name over and over again, but in a calm way.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_13: So saying Elaine.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_13: Elaine.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_13: The reason why it's a pattern interrupt is when someone calls you by the first name, you think of your mom or dad calling you.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_13: So then they stop.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_13: As opposed to, wait, can you stop?
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_13: Like, instead of doing that, just say their first name.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_13: What I want to make sure you get at the workshop is just little tips.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_13: Because has anyone watched or sorry, listened, or read Atomic Habits?
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_13: Love that book.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_13: And the whole concept of it is just 1%.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_13: I think we just live in an Amazon Prime world where we think we need to just change automatically.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_13: Like, I'm just gonna be confident, but it's like, okay, I'm just gonna start practicing the repeat part.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_13: I'm gonna start saying the first name.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_13: I'm gonna just start breathing.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_13: Like, what is one thing you could do?
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_13: That's what matters.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_13: All right, preparing.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_13: Here is another situation: being relevant to all audiences, reading the same communication.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_13: When leadership is unclear, be transparent and collaborative.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_13: So here's another script you could use.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_13: Here's what I know right now.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_13: Our structure has changed.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_13: Here's what I'm still working to clarify what it means for us day to day, and how I'll hopefully have more information by this state.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_13: But what you can count for me in the meantime, I'm your point of contact.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_13: So can you please let me know about challenges?
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_13: I think so often we think we need to know the answer, but we could just be transparent.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_13: I don't know the answer.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_13: But tell me your challenges so I could let them know as well, because your challenges is our challenges as well.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_13: Another thing is keeping a diary and track weekly of what conversations have happened in the past week, what's worked, what didn't.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_13: Similar to sports, you see these athletes, once they they always look at their iPads with their replays.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_13: I know it's really uncomfortable, but actually saying, oh, this person felt uncomfortable with the tone I did, what's in my control, what's out of their control, and any updates you should be aware of.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_13: These are other anonymous coaching sessions from the form I sent.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_13: Some tools to navigate the current climate, space to connect and elevate one another, and community strategy to direct reports and outside partners.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_13: It's not about being certain, it's about being present with everyone.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_13: So when things aren't clear, this is just another one to phrase it.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_13: I'm gonna go to the next one.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_13: Um, this is a time management decide method I like doing.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_13: It's all the D's.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_13: Discern, is this a priority or not?
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_13: Delegate, does it have to be you?
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_13: Three, do you just need to do it?
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_13: Four, delete, five, delay, or do you need to discuss it as well?
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_13: So when it comes to meetings, do you know when watching Netflix, how they practice for it?
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_13: They also they just tour around the country before they have a Netflix special.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_13: But it's not just them looking at their what they're saying, it's also they have a camera looking at the audience's reaction as well.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_13: So if we have comedians doing that, that should also be something that you are reflecting as well at meetings.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_13: So going back to pause, after you have that high-six communication, what's the debrief?
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_13: Just checking in, similar to what Taylor Swift and Beyonce do, they do the same thing as comedians.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_13: I know some people get annoyed because they always change their set, but they change the set based off the feedback that they're getting from their audience members.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_13: And when I say feedback, it's not necessarily what they're saying, it's the energy they feel in the stadium.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_13: Like, oh, this song was not the right fit, I need to change it later.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_13: All right, so I'm gonna talk about how to get a raise and move to the next level.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_13: This is my third time presenting, and based off my data, 86% of you want to get a higher role.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_13: So to get to the next level, it's doing the homework first.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_13: And all of this is in the QR code, just in case you end up taking pictures because the next slides are the best ones.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_13: One, print out your current job description.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_13: Second, print out the job descriptions of the future role that you want at current companies and yours.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_13: And what you want to do is compare the two: the current job, the job that you want.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_13: And be honest, which roles and responsibilities are you doing?
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_13: The third piece, are you familiar with the brag sheet?
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_13: Just curious.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_13: I see some nods.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_13: I know women don't like brag sheet.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_13: You could call it value add because this is corporate.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_13: You should have a Google Doc, a Word doc of all the things that you have accomplished at your company and continue to update it.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_13: Continue it.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_13: It shouldn't just be because you are applying, but continue updating and also put numbers as well.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_13: But people forget when you're trying to get a promotion within your organization, it's not just you're you demand it, it's also understanding the influences, the people in the organization.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_13: So create a table of everyone that's influential and of the leadership and be transparent.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_13: Which ones do you have a great relationship with?
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_13: Which ones are you okay with, and which ones do you need to work on?
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_13: Because they all have influence.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_13: And what are one to two steps that you can improve the relationships you have with them?
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_13: And then this is very similar to the table that I shared earlier.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_13: So then you have the game plan.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_13: Once you do your homework, I think so often when people want to have a raise, it's like, you know, I deserve to get a VP because I'm just doing everything.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_13: Once again, talking about the emotions, but you want to provide evidence behind it.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_13: So you want to have a conversation ahead of that.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_13: Say, hey, I want to talk about my career path and where I'm headed.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_13: My goal is VP, SVP, within six months or a year.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_13: Here's a memo of everything I've outlined in my current role, things I'm doing at my current role, and I've also researched VP jobs where I'm actually doing about 90% of the responsibilities.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_13: I want to plan to just close that remaining gap.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_13: Here's what I need from you.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_13: I would like feedback.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_13: What do I still need to accomplish together?
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_13: And will you be a part of making this happen?
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_13: And who else should I improve my relationship with?
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_13: Are you having a direct and honest conversation with them?
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_13: And if they're like, Well, I don't have an answer.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_13: I don't know, you already know we did a layoff and there's budget cuts and all of that.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_13: I understand, that's why I'm having this conversation right now.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_13: So can we just check in every 90 days?
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_13: Also, I had a coaching session with someone here, and she was sharing, I'm doing all the VP roles, and they're like, oh, well, you don't, you just care about like moving up.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_13: Like, no, I'm doing this.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_13: So I actually challenge her.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, just let them know, mmm.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_13: Hey, so I'm doing all this VP role, like all these VP duties, about 100% of it.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_13: I've done my research.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_13: And if I don't get this in six months, can we talk about how I'm not gonna do these tasks then and you could take care of it?
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_13: So you're giving them choice.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_13: Either you give me what I deserve to get paid in this title, one, or two, let's talk about a transition where you're going to be doing this work as well.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_13: Because what happens is they keep piling it on you unless you do actually provide the evidence and share everything that you are doing as well.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_13: So, question Are you brave enough to have a conversation with what you have been avoiding?
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_13: And I'm talking about the one with yourself.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_13: So you get the slides here, and we have about 20 minutes left, but I would love to do a QA coaching because I have all my one-to-one coaching sessions already booked.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_13: So if there is a question you have or something you need support in, we could talk about it now if you would like.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_13: And also I want to share, I'm not the only expert.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_13: So if you have an answer for someone that has a question, please share your tips.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_13: So go ahead.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_11: Um, any tips you have on working with a very old school manager who I've tried to bridge the gap in multiple different ways, and I just haven't been successful.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_11: It's very old school management versus my style of management, which is much more on the collaborative, newer side.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_11: I just I really struggled in that space.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_11: So anything that you could help there.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_13: Can you give more context of what you mean by old school if you feel comfortable sharing examples?
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_11: Yes.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_11: Um, so um command and control.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_11: Very much command and control.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_11: Like you do these things, even when I know they're not the right thing to do.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_11: Um, and I've tried to have those conversations and I get a lot of pushback.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_11: Um, and I I just haven't been able to figure out how to have a conversation that actually, and maybe maybe I can't, but that's been a struggle for for me for the past year.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_11: Um, and I've tried to protect my team from it, but it's been it's been very hard.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_11: Very much command and control, very much uh old school back in the office, which I know is that that's you know, people f all feel differently about that.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_11: But um, whenever I've tried to ask questions about well, why this or why that, it's like this is just what we're doing.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_13: So um you could have the mic.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_13: I'm just curious.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_13: Anyone have any feedback for her on what you've done?
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_13: Like I said, I'm not the only expert.
• 43:59
  SPEAKER_13: Today's I should see a hand right here.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_03: Resonates so much with um what I've gone through in the um prior role as well.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_03: And interestingly, what helped was uh bring in a third party that they trust and whose opinion they really value, and uh bring them, have a longer conversation with them, bring them over to your side, and then uh have a workshop or a session together where they essentially advocate for the position that you had.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_03: Doesn't matter how you get there, but in the end, if the result works out, it's uh good.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_03: But uh that has helped me in the past.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_13: So it's what I was talking about earlier when you're having those meetings, like thinking about okay, this is the I know you want to focus on the person, right?
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_13: But let's focus on the project.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_13: This is a specific project I'm working on.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_13: Who else is working on this project where he might be really close with to what she's saying?
• 44:53
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, let me have a conversation with this person.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_13: Hey, I want to make sure we get this project through.
• 44:59
  SPEAKER_13: I want your feedback.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_13: It's just feeling like a tug and war.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_13: Would you be open to you know, giving me tips and also being in a meeting with me?
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_13: So thank you for sharing that as well.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_13: Did I see another hand raised here?
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_13: Yes, I saw one right here.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_14: This one would be hard because you have to do all of it.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_14: I'm the same way.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_14: I was very controlling type A, start to finish.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_14: Um, but I picked a project that I, of course, knew how to do and I knew how I wanted it done.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_14: But if the project didn't get done or didn't get done well, I wouldn't freak out, I wouldn't be fired, it wasn't gonna be like a thing.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_14: I picked that one to let the person that I felt like the staff respected the most just take it and do it.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_14: And let them kind of be the one in charge and do the team.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_14: It was very hard for me because I wanted like I could do this, and like, please let me do it.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_14: Um, but the minute I did that, it was the example for one time that somebody else got a chance to do something, and so it made it easier for me to talk to other people as other important projects came up about how I could let go a little bit and also understand that somebody else can get it done their way, and we still reach the same goal.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_14: It was more about me than it was the person.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_14: I just only knew one way.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_13: I appreciate you sharing that, and I think an example.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_13: I'm sharing this.
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_13: So, my brother, if you have any siblings, never responds to my text messages, nor does he respond to my parents.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_13: So we're planning this to get together because I have a family member visiting, and I did what you did.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_13: I talked to my cousin that my brother loves.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_13: Hey, can you check in on him?
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_13: Can you ask him if he's coming?
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_13: He responded to that text message, and I had to take ego out.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_13: I I had to like, I'm not the brains behind this, you know.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_13: Like, it was my cousin who genuinely she did want him there, but I just knew like the influence, it's not me.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, it's just it's not me who's the influence.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_13: So I saw a lot of nods because there's a lot of oldest daughters in here.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_13: What did you take away from this from what you are hearing?
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_11: I I think the idea of a uh a more neutral party is something I haven't considered yet.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_11: So I think that having somebody to come in there and have help have that discussion in a way that will resonate.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_11: Um I until just now I hadn't thought it's it's not just about me trying to come at this from a bunch of different angles.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_11: Maybe I don't have the influence and I need to find somebody else who can help me bridge that gap.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_13: It's interesting because I hear it so much with women.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_13: Like we have to figure it out, we need to solve it.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_13: Like, let me just take the pain and figure it out because I'm so brilliant.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_13: But then it is to your point taking the ego aside, like who can I talk to and communicate with?
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_13: And then does it have to be me?
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_13: Any other coaching questions or challenges you're going through that you need support in?
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_05: It's not really a question, but to your point, I've run into is like the you get stuck in the thinking, and so you're already thinking what that person might be thinking or what they're going to do.
• 48:15
  SPEAKER_05: And in reality, I've found sometimes that's not even what they were thinking, but I have you can get so worked up that it's like take a breath and maybe do a check-in with them.
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_05: So I've done this thing called connection conversations, and so it gave me a chance to get feedback from the team, but then meet with them once a month and say, So this is what we're doing, this is what we're working on, this is how the team is feeling, and trying to get that person more involved and engaged actually worked better.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_05: But I also found that I wasn't taking the breath.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_05: I was already thinking ahead, like, oh my gosh, this is gonna happen when I tell him this, and instead waiting to see how he really reacted, and it worked out better, actually.
• 48:55
  SPEAKER_13: Keep the mic because I have some questions.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_05: Yes.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_13: Which is when you have the assumption that they're thinking this way, I'm curious.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_13: I already know for me, but I want to hear from you.
• 49:05
  SPEAKER_13: What are questions you ask?
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_13: How do you start start that conversation with them?
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_05: So instead of starting the conversation and asking the question, I tried delivering more information to cut down on some of the questions because I recognize that there was a learning gap for them.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_05: So sometimes I thought, oh my gosh, you asked me that last week.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_05: Now we're talking about it again.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_05: And it's like, is this to catch me?
• 49:29
  SPEAKER_05: Is this to make sure I know?
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_05: But what I realized is they really didn't know.
• 49:34
  SPEAKER_05: And so what was coming across to me and me thinking you're challenging me and my team and what we're delivering really was giving that person information to help them.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_05: So I found the more we pushed information, the more we created like project logs so they could go and find information.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_05: I think then he also took a breath and was able to relax because he had what he needed, and then we had what we needed, which was not the constant like what's going on, where's this?
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_05: And so trying to um, but at first it was very like it wasn't easy, right?
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_05: It was a little more combative, like, okay, what's going on?
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_05: Why are all these things and why all these questions?
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_05: Um, and so just trying to be forward thinking.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, I've been in a similar situation when I was working with a colleague and it was just always so heightened.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_13: I was like, hey, like I know you're really passionate about this project.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_13: I'm just curious, this is what I understand that you're seeing, but here's some pitfalls, and I want to make sure you're successful, so I make it about them.
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_13: What am I missing here?
• 50:35
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, okay.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_13: I realize that you're missing this information, A, B, and C.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_13: So then you're coming into that problem-solving type of conversation.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_05: Yes, and it gave the team a chance to have FaceTime too, right?
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_05: And then sometimes they walked away going, Oh, now I know why you're asking for these things, because I hear you being asked, and it was more a performance, right?
• 50:55
  SPEAKER_05: Operational.
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_05: But then they also were able to see, like, oh, I understand why you have more questions now.
• 51:00
  SPEAKER_05: So we all just sometimes it might have been extra work, but in the end, it was easier for everyone because you didn't get door popped, you didn't get the additional questions, you didn't feel like you were always like on stage to answer something that might be coming your way.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_13: Yes, thank you.
• 51:19
  SPEAKER_13: Anyone else want to share a question?
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_13: If not, I care about action because I'm a coach.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_13: So I'm curious, what is an action that you want to take away from this session?
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_13: And an action could just be breathing, by the way.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_13: That could be an action, which all of you are doing right now.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_13: So any actions?
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_13: Because I just want to hold your asses accountable, that's why.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_09: Thanks.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_09: I really like the communication dashboard that you put up, and so an action I'll take is really taking that back and thinking about for the different kind of like levers and levels and layers that I work with, some of those columns that you had and filling that in to help me ensure that I'm talking the right way and communicating the right way with the different people with whom I interact.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_13: Thank you.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_13: And similar to what we do when we have sales conversations, we're always updating the profile, right?
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_13: For our clients and for leads, that dashboard should be consistently updated as well.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_13: So thank you.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_13: Here in the red, and then there's one in the back.
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_07: Um, I really like the slide about giving the timeline to your boss about you know your specific goals and if they're not ready to have that conversation, like having that chicken and like doing the tasks that you know you're doing.
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_07: Because oftentimes that happens, like, oh, I'm not ready or the budget or whatever.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_07: And so, like being accountable and having them being accountable for what the next steps are.
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_13: And I think I made a quote right now, but like we have very strong feelings, back up the feelings with facts, yeah.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_13: And that's what you presented to them.
• 52:50
  SPEAKER_13: Because I get it, it's like I'm really overwhelmed like, hey, we're at capacity with less team members.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_13: These are all the projects that we've done.
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_13: And you know it because three years ago we were able to do this amount with more, and that's just not working right now.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_13: All right, we have someone there in the back as well.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_04: We are actually, Jenna had a great idea that we're gonna do a book club with your book for our Marriott team members that are here.
• 53:15
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, yay! Um, another book I'm gonna recommend some of you might have read it, is called Russ's Resistance by Trisha Hershey.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_13: Is anyone familiar with this book?
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, that needs to be the next book club.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, Trisha Hershey, this amazing she's known as the nap minister.
• 53:34
  SPEAKER_13: Yes.
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_13: She gets paid to do workshops for you to take a nap.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_13: Elizabeth, pay me for that next year.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_13: Um but the reason being is because in this society for us as women, because we give so much, the way it works, it's like, let me just make her work the whole time.
• 53:55
  SPEAKER_13: But really, when you rest and you pause, you listen to those whispers, that's where resistance is.
• 54:01
  SPEAKER_13: The resistance to wait, I deserve a raise.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_13: Wait, I'm doing what two direct reports are doing, and I should be doing this.
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_13: So that's the next book to read.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 54:12
  SPEAKER_13: Well, ladies, thank you so much for your time.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_13: I hope you take at least one action from this, and I'll be here if you have any other questions.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_13: So thank you.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_12: As a reminder, what I shared in the intro, I had to do this presentation twice.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_12: And when it comes to being a better leader, having to deal with something that is pressured, like going on stage and presenting to hundreds of people, it's also important to listen to feedback.
• 54:57
  SPEAKER_12: And it was the last day of this conference, it was about three days.
• 55:04
  SPEAKER_12: And in top of doing this presentation on communication, also doing executive coaching to 21 incredible executives, I also did a 7 a.m.
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_12: self-defense course.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_12: If you've been to a conference before, you get it.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_12: There's some movement workshop that you do at 7 a.m.
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_12: or 6 a.m.
• 55:26
  SPEAKER_12: But the reality is you're going to skip it because you're probably peopled out or you had to stay out late because your company or team had a dinner like, nah, I'm gonna hit the snooze.
• 55:38
  SPEAKER_12: What was interesting is I had so many women come up to me.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_12: I'm sorry, Mr.
• 55:42
  SPEAKER_12: Self-Defense workshop.
• 55:44
  SPEAKER_12: I was just tired.
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_12: And hearing that feedback over and over again, 20 minutes before I went on the main stage to do this talk a second time, I was like called Ann Duffy, who's the SVP of Skift.
• 55:58
  SPEAKER_12: I was like, hey, um, don't worry, there's no fires to put out, but I wanted to see, can you come up here on stage?
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_12: I want to show some self-defense moves that I taught you at 7 a.m.
• 56:12
  SPEAKER_12: the day before yesterday.
• 56:14
  SPEAKER_12: And she said yes, and it was great.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_12: Remember, if you've been to a conference, this was the last day.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_12: I believe there was like two more sessions after me.
• 56:23
  SPEAKER_12: So everyone's tired, everyone's kind of done.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_12: And because I did this in the last 10 minutes, it was interesting.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_12: People were curious, interested, asking questions.
• 56:35
  SPEAKER_12: So this is the part of the podcast episode where I do recommend you watch on either YouTube or Spotify.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_12: I'll put the links here in the show notes.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_12: All right.
• 56:47
  SPEAKER_12: Enjoy.
• 56:48
  SPEAKER_13: I'm gonna show you how to kick ass.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_13: All right, Anna, are you ready?
• 56:53
  SPEAKER_13: Um, I also want to share.
• 56:55
  SPEAKER_13: I I am I know that I didn't say self-defense in the workshop earlier.
• 56:59
  SPEAKER_13: So if by any chance there are moves here that make you feel uncomfortable, you are free to leave.
• 57:04
  SPEAKER_13: You do not need to explain.
• 57:05
  SPEAKER_13: I will not be personally offended.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_13: So I just want to share that as well, okay?
• 57:09
  SPEAKER_13: Did you just stretch?
• 57:10
  SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
• 57:11
  SPEAKER_09: Get ready.
• 57:13
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 57:15
  SPEAKER_13: So I promise I'm like, this is not typo, I promise.
• 57:19
  SPEAKER_13: Um, so I think so often we think like, okay, someone's like attacking me, right?
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_13: And so we're standing like this, so can you push me?
• 57:27
  SPEAKER_13: Sure.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_13: No, that's cute.
• 57:29
  SPEAKER_13: Real try.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_13: Really?
• 57:31
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_13: So obviously I'm gonna push back, but what people forget is so you stand like this with knees bent.
• 57:39
  SPEAKER_13: So then this is straight, this is bent like an acute angle, and you're like this.
• 57:45
  SPEAKER_13: So push me now.
• 57:47
  SPEAKER_13: There's more space and mass, right?
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_13: So when something happens to you, I think so often it's like I'm well, obvious also sorry, let me rephrase it.
• 57:57
  SPEAKER_13: Let me start in the beginning.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_13: So, has anyone watched Enough by JLo?
• 58:01
  SPEAKER_13: Anyone?
• 58:02
  SPEAKER_13: Yes I think so often people think like, oh yeah, if someone attacks me, it's beating the shit out of them.
• 58:07
  SPEAKER_13: No, let's be realistic.
• 58:09
  SPEAKER_13: Your goal is to do some moves so that you're able to run and be safe.
• 58:14
  SPEAKER_13: That's what's realistic.
• 58:16
  SPEAKER_13: And so I want to let you know when it comes to self-defense, there, and this is not just self-defense, I also was telling Elizabeth, and I want to do this for like a next event or conference.
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_13: This is also similar to when you're having high-stakes conversations.
• 58:29
  SPEAKER_13: There is a power in de-escalating a situation not escalating.
• 58:36
  SPEAKER_13: I will say that again.
• 58:37
  SPEAKER_13: There is a power in de-escalating a situation not escalating.
• 58:44
  SPEAKER_13: So, if I she doesn't seem like an attacker, by the way, so I know it's hard to believe.
• 58:51
  SPEAKER_13: So if she's attacking, it's just even putting the hands up like this.
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_13: Like, hey, don't want any harm.
• 58:58
  SPEAKER_13: You know, like, are we good?
• 58:59
  SPEAKER_13: Just using even just this thing.
• 59:03
  SPEAKER_13: But if I do need to attack, putting my hands up, and so I'm gonna use By the way, Anne was in my self-defense workshop.
• 59:11
  SPEAKER_13: So she became an expert in self-defense two days ago.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_13: I'm ready.
• 59:16
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 59:16
  SPEAKER_13: So the hands are up in the face because this is really helpful.
• 59:19
  SPEAKER_13: And when you want to punch, so there's a one-two.
• 59:22
  SPEAKER_13: So often people think a punch is just the arm.
• 59:25
  SPEAKER_13: If you notice, it comes to the power here.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_13: Was that better to see from behind?
• 59:32
  SPEAKER_13: I think, or forward?
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_13: Do you want forward?
• 59:35
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, move the power here.
• 59:36
  SPEAKER_13: I'm squashing a bug.
• 59:37
  SPEAKER_13: I'm just using analogies.
• 59:39
  SPEAKER_13: I'm squashing a bug from the shoe, and I'm moving my hip.
• 59:42
  SPEAKER_13: Any latinas in here?
• 59:44
  SPEAKER_13: This is like salsa.
• 59:45
  SPEAKER_13: So it's right here, right?
• 59:47
  SPEAKER_13: And then a shoulder, I'm moving my shoulder back, and it's like this, right here.
• 59:52
  SPEAKER_13: Look at her.
• 59:53
  SPEAKER_13: So proud.
• 59:55
  SPEAKER_13: Another thing, too, and you can practice it with a wall.
• 59:58
  SPEAKER_13: Um, your elbows are tight.
• 59:59
  SPEAKER_13: You see fighters like this.
• 1:00:00
  SPEAKER_13: Your organs are here.
• 1:00:02
  SPEAKER_13: So practice through the wall so you make sure it's like in and out.
• 1:00:05
  SPEAKER_13: I'm so proud.
• 1:00:06
  SPEAKER_13: Proud student.
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_13: Um, the most powerful one, it's called the cross.
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_13: So move this one here.
• 1:00:11
  SPEAKER_13: So she squashes to the bug.
• 1:00:12
  SPEAKER_13: Oh no, no, no, keep going.
• 1:00:14
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:00:14
  SPEAKER_13: Go.
• 1:00:14
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, so look.
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_13: She squashed the bug, and then she she stretched out right here.
• 1:00:20
  SPEAKER_13: Another thing is when you do a punch, it goes back to your face.
• 1:00:23
  SPEAKER_13: You need to protect the face.
• 1:00:25
  SPEAKER_13: This is the most sensitive, the eyes and the nose.
• 1:00:27
  SPEAKER_13: So when you hit someone, one, two, you need to go for here.
• 1:00:32
  SPEAKER_13: So and then another thing is when you're punching, it's here in the knuckles.
• 1:00:36
  SPEAKER_13: Not here.
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_13: It's the knuckles, because you could break this.
• 1:00:39
  SPEAKER_13: If you're like f ⁇ ing Eeline, I can't remember all this.
• 1:00:42
  SPEAKER_13: Um it's the wrist here.
• 1:00:44
  SPEAKER_13: Just do like a that.
• 1:00:46
  SPEAKER_13: Just hit it in the nose like this.
• 1:00:47
  SPEAKER_13: Don't worry, I'm not.
• 1:00:48
  SPEAKER_13: Unless you want a nose job, I could do that.
• 1:00:51
  SPEAKER_13: So there's that situation.
• 1:00:53
  SPEAKER_13: It's like a one-two, and then you could run away.
• 1:00:56
  SPEAKER_13: What other moves?
• 1:00:58
  SPEAKER_13: Actually, I want to ask you, what moves did you like that they would want to learn?
• 1:01:01
  SPEAKER_17: Um, which moves did I like?
• 1:01:03
  SPEAKER_17: Um, we can't do it here, but it was the the the the wrist one was really good.
• 1:01:08
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, the wrist one, okay.
• 1:01:09
  SPEAKER_13: This is classic.
• 1:01:10
  SPEAKER_13: So, hey, there's skincare products.
• 1:01:12
  SPEAKER_13: Come with me.
• 1:01:13
  SPEAKER_13: What yeah.
• 1:01:15
  SPEAKER_13: It was funny yesterday when I was doing the training, I was like, there's no there's candy in a white pan.
• 1:01:19
  SPEAKER_13: I was like, oh no, these are ladies, they want the skincare products.
• 1:01:22
  SPEAKER_13: So here, you want to try to create a hitchhiker thumb?
• 1:01:27
  SPEAKER_13: And it goes out like this.
• 1:01:28
  SPEAKER_13: You're working against anatomy.
• 1:01:31
  SPEAKER_13: By the way, I was I think what you were sharing earlier, like people think it's like being the strongest.
• 1:01:37
  SPEAKER_13: It's actually about just using your brain five percent.
• 1:01:40
  SPEAKER_13: Look, that's not like strength.
• 1:01:42
  SPEAKER_13: I'm actually go.
• 1:01:43
  SPEAKER_13: Skin care.
• 1:01:45
  unknown: Okay.
• 1:01:45
  SPEAKER_17: Because I'm small.
• 1:01:46
  SPEAKER_17: It's just a matter of like, I'm not the strongest person.
• 1:01:49
  SPEAKER_17: Yeah.
• 1:01:49
  SPEAKER_13: It's just a matter of um, I had a question.
• 1:01:52
  SPEAKER_13: We could kind of do it, the push against the wall, and then we'll do the floor.
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_17: I like the one where you're get out of it.
• 1:01:57
  SPEAKER_13: Which one?
• 1:01:58
  SPEAKER_17: From behind.
• 1:01:59
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, yes.
• 1:02:00
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:02:00
  SPEAKER_13: So you know how some all of you do groceries, I guess, or put stuff in your thing?
• 1:02:05
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:02:05
  SPEAKER_13: Hey, there's skincare routine.
• 1:02:07
  SPEAKER_13: Go come with me.
• 1:02:08
  SPEAKER_13: You need to do it faster.
• 1:02:09
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, okay.
• 1:02:10
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:02:10
  SPEAKER_13: Ready?
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_13: Ready.
• 1:02:14
  SPEAKER_13: See her leg.
• 1:02:16
  SPEAKER_13: This is called the grapevine.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_13: So she's circling around my leg.
• 1:02:21
  SPEAKER_13: It locks it.
• 1:02:23
  SPEAKER_13: Yep.
• 1:02:23
  SPEAKER_13: Um, they don't believe me because they're tinier.
• 1:02:26
  SPEAKER_13: So Okay.
• 1:02:27
  SPEAKER_13: Actually, wait, no, no, no.
• 1:02:28
  SPEAKER_13: Sorry, yeah, that made sense.
• 1:02:30
  SPEAKER_13: So I'm gonna grab you and then, like I said, you have to like do a hit so you can run away.
• 1:02:34
  SPEAKER_13: Do not hit me.
• 1:02:35
  SPEAKER_13: I do not want a nose job, okay?
• 1:02:37
  SPEAKER_13: Will not.
• 1:02:37
  SPEAKER_13: Alright, I will grab you.
• 1:02:38
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, I'm gonna get grabbing, and then what do you think?
• 1:02:41
  SPEAKER_13: So, well, actually, what you want to do, she do an elbow, I'm correcting her.
• 1:02:45
  SPEAKER_13: Do an elbow, but then I want her to s squash the bug so she's using her whole toe.
• 1:02:50
  SPEAKER_13: So like bop.
• 1:02:51
  SPEAKER_13: And then what?
• 1:02:53
  SPEAKER_09: What about if someone's over your arm?
• 1:02:54
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, that is a good question.
• 1:02:56
  SPEAKER_13: Actually, you need to do it because okay.
• 1:02:58
  SPEAKER_13: So over the arms.
• 1:03:01
  SPEAKER_13: Like this.
• 1:03:03
  SPEAKER_13: I think so.
• 1:03:04
  SPEAKER_13: Put your um your legs and your butt are like really big muscles, so you're moving up too.
• 1:03:09
  SPEAKER_13: Um, I want to do the wall one as well.
• 1:03:11
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:03:12
  SPEAKER_13: That someone shared.
• 1:03:13
  SPEAKER_13: I know there's no wall here.
• 1:03:15
  SPEAKER_13: So Okay.
• 1:03:17
  SPEAKER_13: Like this.
• 1:03:18
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, so let's say there's a wall behind me, right?
• 1:03:20
  SPEAKER_13: And she's attacking me.
• 1:03:22
  SPEAKER_13: Putting my wrist here.
• 1:03:24
  SPEAKER_13: And ding.
• 1:03:25
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:03:27
  SPEAKER_13: And then elbow her.
• 1:03:29
  SPEAKER_13: That was in strength, right?
• 1:03:31
  SPEAKER_13: I used 5% of my body.
• 1:03:34
  SPEAKER_13: Ladies, you are very smart.
• 1:03:36
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_13: Similar thing.
• 1:03:38
  SPEAKER_13: If she was choking me too, um, another I do my tie.
• 1:03:42
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, I'm gonna grab.
• 1:03:42
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, yeah, no, no.
• 1:03:43
  SPEAKER_13: You know what I'm gonna do, right?
• 1:03:44
  SPEAKER_13: So let's say she's choking me.
• 1:03:46
  SPEAKER_13: I'm going closer to her.
• 1:03:49
  SPEAKER_13: And then take it out.
• 1:03:51
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 1:03:53
  SPEAKER_13: Because you're brilliant.
• 1:03:54
  SPEAKER_13: It's like these are small things.
• 1:03:55
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 1:03:56
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:03:56
  SPEAKER_13: I'm gonna show the floor one.
• 1:03:58
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:03:58
  SPEAKER_13: All right, I'm gonna warn you, I'm gonna show there's two sexual assault ones where she's with consent.
• 1:04:04
  SPEAKER_13: Are you okay with it?
• 1:04:05
  SPEAKER_13: I'm all good.
• 1:04:06
  SPEAKER_13: To go.
• 1:04:07
  SPEAKER_13: Well, actually, I'm gonna do it on you because you're tinier.
• 1:04:09
  SPEAKER_13: Yep.
• 1:04:09
  SPEAKER_13: So it's more believable.
• 1:04:10
  SPEAKER_13: So can I mount on you?
• 1:04:17
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:04:18
  SPEAKER_13: So I'm on top of her, right?
• 1:04:21
  SPEAKER_13: Go this way because I'm gonna fall back in.
• 1:04:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:04:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:04:24
  SPEAKER_13: So, so I'm right here.
• 1:04:26
  SPEAKER_13: Same thing with the wall.
• 1:04:27
  SPEAKER_13: What are you gonna do?
• 1:04:27
  SPEAKER_13: This, this, and then down.
• 1:04:29
  SPEAKER_13: Hold the gnome and I pump her off.
• 1:04:32
  SPEAKER_13: Do you see how tiny she is?
• 1:04:35
  SPEAKER_13: She's tinier than me.
• 1:04:37
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:04:38
  SPEAKER_13: Do y'all need to see that again or do you need a little refresher?
• 1:04:41
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, go.
• 1:04:43
  SPEAKER_13: And please teach teach this to other women and kids.
• 1:04:47
  SPEAKER_13: Kids love playing with this stuff.
• 1:04:48
  SPEAKER_13: You don't even need to explain.
• 1:04:50
  SPEAKER_13: Like, if someone does this to you, just do it.
• 1:04:52
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, ready?
• 1:04:52
  SPEAKER_00: Ready.
• 1:04:53
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:04:54
  SPEAKER_13: All right.
• 1:04:54
  SPEAKER_13: I'm choking her.
• 1:04:55
  SPEAKER_13: I'm choking her.
• 1:04:56
  SPEAKER_13: One arm, other arm.
• 1:04:58
  SPEAKER_13: Push down.
• 1:05:00
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, so why does that work?
• 1:05:03
  SPEAKER_13: Wait, wait.
• 1:05:04
  SPEAKER_13: Um, she bended me down so I couldn't move my arms.
• 1:05:07
  SPEAKER_13: Another thing, put the heels.
• 1:05:09
  SPEAKER_13: No, no, no.
• 1:05:09
  SPEAKER_13: You did your heels.
• 1:05:10
  SPEAKER_13: Put your heels up to your ass.
• 1:05:12
  SPEAKER_13: No, no, no, don't do it.
• 1:05:13
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, really?
• 1:05:13
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, that's actually stronger.
• 1:05:15
  SPEAKER_13: So, um, can you get off the stage real quick?
• 1:05:18
  SPEAKER_13: I'll show.
• 1:05:19
  SPEAKER_13: Can you see from here?
• 1:05:20
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:05:22
  SPEAKER_13: So when is the heels are right here?
• 1:05:24
  SPEAKER_13: Because this is a big muscle, and you're using your waist to go up, so there's so much power in that, and then you're moving them over.
• 1:05:32
  SPEAKER_09: Does that work?
• 1:05:33
  SPEAKER_09: You're thinking of like a small child and a child that is substantially bigger too.
• 1:05:37
  SPEAKER_13: I'm bigger than her.
• 1:05:39
  SPEAKER_13: She was able to move me.
• 1:05:41
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 1:05:42
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:05:43
  SPEAKER_13: You're just understanding the human body and how to move things around.
• 1:05:46
  SPEAKER_13: That's because I knew you weren't gonna believe me if she was on top of me.
• 1:05:51
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, I'm gonna show you if that was the next move.
• 1:05:57
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:05:58
  SPEAKER_13: I'm gonna do the other one.
• 1:05:59
  SPEAKER_13: You know what?
• 1:06:00
  SPEAKER_13: One?
• 1:06:00
  SPEAKER_17: No.
• 1:06:01
  SPEAKER_13: Um, do you mind making a scissor?
• 1:06:04
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:06:04
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 1:06:04
  SPEAKER_13: Do you remember this one?
• 1:06:05
  SPEAKER_13: Yes, I do.
• 1:06:06
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:06:06
  SPEAKER_13: So I'll like I'm on top of her choking.
• 1:06:08
  SPEAKER_13: Do you remember what to do?
• 1:06:09
  SPEAKER_13: Yes.
• 1:06:09
  SPEAKER_13: Put me on this side.
• 1:06:09
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, ready?
• 1:06:10
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:06:10
  SPEAKER_13: Do you remember?
• 1:06:11
  SPEAKER_13: No, no, no.
• 1:06:12
  SPEAKER_13: No, I'll do it.
• 1:06:13
  SPEAKER_13: I think you forgot.
• 1:06:14
  SPEAKER_17: I forgot.
• 1:06:15
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:06:16
  SPEAKER_13: Alright, go.
• 1:06:17
  SPEAKER_17: So I'm like.
• 1:06:18
  SPEAKER_13: You're just go.
• 1:06:19
  SPEAKER_13: This.
• 1:06:19
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:06:20
  SPEAKER_13: And then I think so often people think like kick and bringing her in and then turning her.
• 1:06:26
  SPEAKER_13: People don't think to push in.
• 1:06:28
  SPEAKER_13: You push in and turn her.
• 1:06:30
  SPEAKER_13: You have very powerful muscles on your in your thighs.
• 1:06:34
  SPEAKER_13: Ooh, my mic.
• 1:06:35
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:06:36
  SPEAKER_13: They asked, are you gonna be doing crazy moves?
• 1:06:38
  SPEAKER_13: I'm like, no.
• 1:06:40
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 1:06:42
  SPEAKER_13: So, ladies, thank you so much for having this conversation with me.
• 1:06:47
  SPEAKER_13: But what's more important is having conversation with yourself.
• 1:06:50
  SPEAKER_13: Get the slides if you have it.
• 1:06:52
  SPEAKER_13: If you have any further questions, please let me know.
• 1:06:54
  SPEAKER_13: Um, and also my takeaway is I could do moves on in the suit.
• 1:06:59
  SPEAKER_13: So that was my takeaway.
• 1:07:02
  SPEAKER_13: Thank you, ladies.
• 1:07:06
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, thank you to Anne.
• 1:07:08
  SPEAKER_13: Sorry.
• 1:07:11
  SPEAKER_13: She's a killer now.
• 1:07:14
  unknown: Don't mess with me.
• 1:07:17
  SPEAKER_12: So that was probably a lot of information.
• 1:07:20
  SPEAKER_12: And you want to do everything, but I actually want you to think of what is one thing you can do?
• 1:07:27
  SPEAKER_12: Is it doing the box breathing?
• 1:07:31
  SPEAKER_12: Is it being aware of your trauma responses and other people's trauma responses before you have a difficult conversation?
• 1:07:41
  SPEAKER_12: Or is it some of the moves you just learned that I showed you when you watch the replay?
• 1:07:50
  SPEAKER_12: I just want to make sure you take time to reflect on what is one aligned action item you can take.
• 1:07:57
  SPEAKER_12: And if you enjoy this podcast episode, there's two things I would love for you to do if you feel called to do it.
• 1:08:03
  SPEAKER_12: One, share this with a friend or two.
• 1:08:06
  SPEAKER_12: And when you share it with them, send a personal message.
• 1:08:09
  SPEAKER_12: Hey, we were talking about this, or I know this podcast episode would help you.
• 1:08:13
  SPEAKER_12: Definitely check it out.
• 1:08:15
  SPEAKER_12: And then two, I would love for you to leave a review.
• 1:08:18
  SPEAKER_12: This podcast was created by both me and my team as an accessible resource for you and for all.
• 1:08:27
  SPEAKER_12: So leaving a review would let the podcast gods just know, hey, to other people and strangers, you should listen to this.
• 1:08:36
  SPEAKER_12: And if you're like Elaine, the value from this replay that I just listened to was incredible.
• 1:08:44
  SPEAKER_12: I could only imagine how it is working with you.
• 1:08:47
  SPEAKER_12: Then schedule a call with me and let's see if it's a good fit to work together.
• 1:08:52
  SPEAKER_12: There's two steps to do that.
• 1:08:54
  SPEAKER_12: One, schedule a call at ElaineLew.com forward slash call.
• 1:08:58
  SPEAKER_12: That's E-L-A-I-N-E-L-O-U.com slash call.
• 1:09:03
  SPEAKER_12: Then when you schedule the call, you will receive an automated email.
• 1:09:09
  SPEAKER_12: And I want to make sure you fill out the form.
• 1:09:11
  SPEAKER_12: The reason being is I'm very intentional with these calls.
• 1:09:15
  SPEAKER_12: I treat this call as if you are a paying client.
• 1:09:18
  SPEAKER_12: So I do put time and energy.
• 1:09:20
  SPEAKER_12: And yes, I do put the price point on how it looks like to work with me in that format as well.
• 1:09:25
  SPEAKER_12: And if it's not a good fit, you fill out the form and let me know it's not a good fit, or you read it, that's fine.
• 1:09:30
  SPEAKER_12: We'll cancel it.
• 1:09:31
  SPEAKER_12: I just want to honor your time and mine.
• 1:09:33
  SPEAKER_12: All right.
• 1:09:34
  SPEAKER_12: I'll see you in the next episode.