Latest / Alignment With Jenn / (#24) The Confidence Formula: Become More Confident By Tomorrow (Yes, Really)

Transcript

(#24) The Confidence Formula: Become More Confident By Tomorrow (Yes, Really) · Alignment With Jenn

0:00
Hello, hello and welcome to this episode of Receive.
0:03
I am your host, Jen Dizzy, and I am a premier transformation
0:08
coach for women. I have helped over 1000 women to
0:11
manifest the lives that they have always envisioned.
0:14
And so I'm really excited today to be able to talk to you about
0:18
a topic that comes up with pretty much every single woman
0:21
I've ever worked with, regardless of her level of
0:23
success, regardless of her level of experience in an area.
0:28
And that is self confident. It is something that is so, so
0:32
potent and so important in every single thing that we do in our
0:37
lives. And it is something that as we
0:40
begin to actually focus on it, the rewards are tremendous
0:45
because when we feel more confident, that is reflected in
0:49
our reality where people will reflect back to us.
0:53
Wow, you look so good or you're so magnetic.
0:56
Or they'll want to work with you or they'll want to offer you
0:58
opportunities or jobs. We are drawn to confident
1:02
people. We listen to them.
1:04
We want to be like them, right? We want to buy what they are
1:08
selling. We want to drink the kool-aid
1:10
that they are drinking. There's something so magnificent
1:13
about it. And I'm not talking about
1:16
situational confidence here, where we can feel really, really
1:19
confident in certain aspects of our life and that's really
1:22
magnetic. I'm talking about true self
1:25
esteem and self-confidence as a whole person and a whole being,
1:29
of believing in yourself and knowing that failures and
1:33
setbacks don't mean anything about you and your worthiness
1:36
and who you truly are as a soul and as a being.
1:38
That's what I'm talking about here.
1:39
I'm talking about the good stuff, the juicy stuff, right?
1:42
So self-confidence is very, very interwoven into self esteem and
1:47
that's what I want to talk about first.
1:49
And then what I'll get into is kind of what it looks like to be
1:52
a high confidence person and then a low confidence person,
1:55
and then how we can improve it. And like a little teaser for you
1:59
is that when I started implementing these things in my
2:02
life, these are things that I've really focused on for a long
2:05
time and really consciously for the last couple of years.
2:09
And it has been within the last year or so that I feel like I've
2:13
been able to really make it simple to teach it to people in
2:15
a really, really simple way. And what I've seen is that when
2:19
you start to follow these six practices that I will give you,
2:22
you will see your confidence improve literally by tomorrow,
2:25
truly. And then the next week, it'll be
2:27
more and more and more. There's this compound effect
2:29
that happens because we express ourselves so much throughout the
2:34
day, either confidently, not confidently, and they're all
2:38
these tiny micro actions and we do dozens of them a day.
2:42
And so you have dozens of opportunities to practice being
2:46
a confident person. And when you do that, you get
2:49
this compound effect, you get this ripple effect.
2:51
And then what happens is as you start to feel it, it starts to
2:55
get reflected back to you by other people, by your reality,
2:58
and it amplifies this tidal wave of confidence.
3:02
Truly, this one podcast episode is worth thousands and thousands
3:07
of dollars because it can change the trajectory of how you feel
3:11
and how you show up in every area of your life and result in
3:14
so much more money, so many more opportunities, so many more
3:17
connections for you. So it's exciting.
3:20
All right, So first let's chat briefly about the difference
3:23
between self-confidence and self esteem.
3:25
They are different. In this episode, I'm going to
3:27
talk about self-confidence as kind of the umbrella term
3:31
because that's what most people say they want.
3:33
I've never had somebody tell me I want more self esteem.
3:35
They say I want self-confidence and they mean both, right?
3:39
They're very, very interconnected.
3:41
But really what self esteem actually is, is it's this
3:45
inherent, this innate, this unconditional valuing and
3:49
respect of the self, how you care for yourself and how you
3:52
love yourself, and this inherent belief that you are worthy and
3:57
that you are lovable and that you are enough.
3:59
OK. And we cultivate this self
4:02
esteem on the subconscious level and also through our actions.
4:05
So what self-confidence is, is it's more performance or
4:10
situation based, where it's based kind of more on external
4:15
skill based experiences. So we can feel super, super
4:18
confident in our work and then maybe not super confident in our
4:21
romantic life, right? Confidence can vary, but ideally
4:25
we have a really healthy base of self esteem that allows us to
4:30
feel whole and complete regardless of how we show up,
4:34
regardless of if we have an off day or we fail at something or
4:38
we don't achieve the result that we want, we don't perform as
4:41
well as we want. We still have this healthy base
4:43
of you know what? I love myself.
4:44
I accept myself. Yeah, I didn't, I could have
4:47
done better. So what I'm going to learn and
4:48
I'm going to move on, that is self esteem.
4:50
It's this healthy, healthy essence.
4:53
And self-confidence is kind of what we build in the different
4:55
areas of our life, right? So if something's new to you,
4:57
you're not going to feel as confident.
4:59
But that shouldn't affect yourself esteem, right?
5:02
How you view yourself. And sometimes people can get
5:04
these enmeshed and entangled and it can be very icky.
5:07
You can also have people who are highly successful, right?
5:11
Super, super, super, super successful.
5:13
One time I dated this guy and he was incredibly successful.
5:17
He owned a law firm. He had this amazing beautiful
5:19
home in La Jolla. Like super successful guy.
5:22
Yet he didn't have self esteem. He didn't value himself on that
5:26
deeper level. He didn't believe that he was
5:28
worthy. He didn't believe that he was
5:30
lovable. So you can have that discrepancy
5:33
between the two and ideally, my girl, you have both.
5:36
We have both and it's healthy and it's beautiful.
5:38
And the thing things we don't feel confident on, we can work
5:41
on. What I'll do is I'll use the
5:42
term self esteem, but I mean both.
5:45
I mean self-confidence or self esteem.
5:47
So high self esteem. What it looks like is believing
5:50
that you're inherently worthy of love, of respect, of success,
5:55
right? You may have to gain the skills
5:57
to achieve it, but you are inherently worthy of having it.
6:01
Another is a person with high self esteem forgives themselves
6:05
quickly. They learn from their mistakes
6:07
and they don't punish themselves for it, right?
6:09
There's not this mental self flagellation, this mental
6:12
unkindness that happens when somebody has high self esteem.
6:16
They learn, they move on. That is one of the most damaging
6:19
things you can do for yourself is when you're constantly
6:22
berating yourself in your head. And I know it's difficult if you
6:25
grew up in a household where that was the tape that you
6:27
recorded and you played in your head.
6:29
And I don't want you to beat yourself up for doing it, but
6:32
just notice it. And when it happens, literally
6:34
just say erase, erase, erase and then reprogram and say what do
6:38
you? What would you rather say to
6:39
yourself in that moment? It's going to take some work,
6:41
but it will be worth its weight in gold.
6:44
Another one is that someone with high self esteem sets
6:47
boundaries. Boundaries directly affect our
6:49
self esteem. And that was not something that
6:51
I realized, especially in my 20s and early 30s.
6:54
I guess I'm in my early 30s. So up until this point is that
6:58
when we wash away our boundaries, when we don't hold
7:01
our boundaries, it is slowly eroding our trust and our self
7:05
esteem, our trust in ourselves. And because what it is, is it's
7:08
valuing someone else over what feels true and right for us.
7:12
It's saying yes to people, please to feel safe when in
7:16
reality we actually want to sing no.
7:18
And only you know when that's the case.
7:20
Then there is your trust of your inner guidance over other
7:24
people's opinions. So someone with high self
7:27
esteem, they trust themselves, right?
7:29
They may take in opinions of other people, hear advice,
7:32
whatever, and then they decide, does that feel real and true for
7:35
me? But somebody with low self
7:36
esteem is going to constantly second guess themselves.
7:39
They're going to constantly seek external validation before
7:42
making a decision. When in reality you want to be
7:45
the person who you can seek that advice.
7:47
And then still, they'll do what feels right at your core for
7:50
you. Somebody with low self esteem
7:53
will feel like they have to earn love, approval, respect.
7:57
They'll feel like they don't inherently deserve it and they
8:00
have to prove that they deserve it.
8:02
So this might look like over giving in a relationship, right?
8:06
Doing everything for your partner or doing way too much at
8:10
work that is completely out of your scope of your work and then
8:14
not being proportionally rewarded for it.
8:17
It's people pleasing, right? It's trying to make other people
8:20
happy and putting their feelings and their needs ahead of your
8:24
own. This is honestly kind of rampant
8:26
where women will people please to the point where they'll have
8:29
no idea how they actually feel and what they actually think
8:31
because they're so used to contorting and molding
8:34
themselves to feel safe, to feel accepted, right?
8:38
Raising my hand right now because that has been a journey
8:40
for me, you know, and I've gotten significantly better at
8:43
it, but it was definitely a journey for me.
8:44
So those are kind of some of the differences between a high self
8:47
esteem, self esteem person. Now let's get into the juicy
8:51
bits and we'll talk about how we build up self esteem.
8:54
And I highly recommend as I'm talking about building up self
8:57
esteem, write it down like in your notes app, in your phone or
8:59
something like that. So you have a reminder and you
9:02
have this little framework for yourself and you can refer back
9:05
to it because every single time you take an action towards
9:08
higher self esteem, you literally put money in your bank
9:11
account, you improve your relationship, you attract more
9:15
opportunities. Truly, you put yourself on a
9:17
completely different frequency than when you do the things that
9:21
damage self esteem, right? So what damages self esteem?
9:24
First, chronic self criticism, that unkind voice in your head.
9:29
So Doctor Kristen Neff, I believe she's a psychologist,
9:33
she did this research about how people talk to themselves
9:37
internally. And the whole idea is that a lot
9:39
of overachievers will kind of beat themselves up thinking that
9:42
that's the way to achieve and maintain success.
9:45
Like if I'm not on my own back, who's going to be on my back,
9:48
right? Who's going to ride me to make
9:49
sure that I get the results? What they actually found in the
9:52
research is that people who speak more kindly to themselves
9:56
and don't criticize themselves aren't hard on themselves,
9:59
actually achieve more. They're happier, they're more
10:02
productive, they're more focused.
10:04
Because think about it this way. Imagine that you are sitting at
10:07
a table with two friends. Right one's on the left side of
10:09
you, one's on the right side of you.
10:11
The one on the right side of you is so supportive and so kind and
10:15
is cheering you on and is supportive of you even when you
10:18
fail. And then the other one is like,
10:21
Oh yeah, you shouldn't have done that.
10:22
Honestly, that was dumb. That was so friggin stupid.
10:26
Why did you do that? Why?
10:27
Why in the world that is such a mistake, right?
10:30
Like you don't even want to be around the one on the left side.
10:33
It's not a good relationship. And that's the relationship you
10:36
cultivate with yourself internally when you're unkind to
10:39
yourself. And truly, This is why we do the
10:42
rewiring work. Part of the reason we do the
10:44
rewiring work that we do in my program is so you can improve
10:47
how you speak to yourself. Because it is such an
10:51
unconscious, subconscious program.
10:53
And the more that you can shift it and improve it, the easier it
10:56
will be to speak to yourself kindly and then feel more
11:00
productive, feel more focused, not feel like you have this
11:03
negative Nelly sitting on your shoulder, right?
11:06
Another thing that damages self trust is betraying your own
11:09
truth to please others, right? It's not saying what you really
11:13
mean. It's not going after what you
11:15
really want. It's kind of watering down your
11:18
own voice and your own message and your own truth to keep
11:22
others happy. And it truly damages your self
11:26
esteem because what you're saying is that other person's
11:29
more important than me on a fundamental level.
11:32
That's what you're saying. And you don't want to say that
11:34
to yourself. You're the most important person
11:35
to you and you should be. You should come first because if
11:40
you don't, nobody else is going to get as much of you as they
11:43
can possibly get. You're not going to feel your
11:45
best. The third one is comparing
11:47
yourself to others. So the more that we compare
11:50
ourselves to others, the more we're going to find things that
11:53
we want to edit and adjust. And we can always find things
11:57
that are not good enough, right? Especially if we pedestalize
12:00
other people. But the more that you can start
12:02
to look at yourself and view yourself as this own unique,
12:06
amazing frequency category of one being who has unique and
12:10
special gifts and doesn't need to look like everyone else,
12:12
doesn't need to to act like everyone else or think like
12:15
everyone else. The more magnetic you're going
12:17
to become, the less it's going to harm yourself esteem
12:20
neglecting your needs. Oh my God, this is a huge one.
12:24
And this isn't a really nuanced one as well, because there's the
12:28
obvious things of not sleeping when we need to sleep, not
12:31
eating well, right, not resting when we need to rest, not giving
12:35
ourselves fun and joy. But there's also, part of this
12:38
is our purpose, right? Part of your need is fulfillment
12:42
and purpose. And when you neglect your own
12:45
fulfillment and your own purpose, you will harm yourself
12:50
esteem. So I'll give you an example of
12:51
this. When I was in corporate right, I
12:54
was making really good money. I had no reason to leave.
12:57
It was a very stable job. I was doing well, they liked me
13:00
La La la, la, la. And yet I knew I was neglecting
13:04
my need for fulfillment and my need for purpose.
13:07
I wasn't lit up by the work. I wasn't happy.
13:10
And as a result, it did harm myself esteem because I wasn't
13:14
giving myself what I truly needed and I was prioritizing
13:18
other things that that didn't make me as happy.
13:21
And I'm really happy to be in my purpose now.
13:23
Another is allowing mistreatment of yourself or putting yourself
13:27
in misaligned environments. So allowing mistreatment that
13:31
can be in a relationship, it can be in a work situation, it can
13:33
even be as simple as staying with a partner who doesn't fully
13:37
see your radiance and your magnificence, right?
13:41
Somebody who doesn't fully see you.
13:42
That is not an aligned environment.
13:45
OK, so those are some of the simple ways.
13:48
There's more ways that we do, but to really simplify this for
13:52
you, I'm going to give you what builds self esteem because these
13:55
are the six things that if you just focus on these, you will
14:00
quantum leap your confidence. You will feel amazing about
14:03
yourself, you will attract more opportunities, you will be more
14:06
magnetic. So I'm excited to share these
14:08
with you. So the first one is the category
14:11
of self trust. So if you're able, just jot
14:14
these down. And that is really keeping
14:16
promises to yourself and following through on what you
14:19
say say you'll do. It's so simple, yet an action.
14:22
It can feel so hard if you say you're going to go to the gym
14:26
three days a week, then go to the gym three days a week.
14:30
Because what you will notice is if you go once and you've said
14:32
you're going to go three times is you feel this kind of icky
14:35
feeling at the end of the week because you know you didn't show
14:38
up fully for yourself and the future you want to create,
14:41
right? And it's so easy to prioritize
14:44
other things to say. I'm too tired.
14:46
But if you truly have a vision for your life and going to the
14:50
gym three days a week matters for that vision, then you've got
14:53
to show up for it. Because when you don't, you chip
14:57
away at the trust within yourself and ultimately yourself
15:01
esteem and yourself confidence. So that's category one.
15:04
Category 2 is integrity. It's acting in alignment with
15:08
your values, even when it's uncomfortable.
15:10
And this one is huge. And what I recommend to you is I
15:14
recommend you write down the things that you value in life.
15:18
Most people have no idea what they value and what a value is,
15:22
is things like love, respect, right?
15:25
Their emotions, their states that we value financial freedom,
15:29
travel, joy, adventure. Maybe not travel, that's a
15:32
little too specific. It'd be more like adventure.
15:34
When you act out of alignment with the things that you value,
15:39
it's out of integrity. So if you say value being a kind
15:42
person, but then you're rude to the waitstaff at a restaurant,
15:45
that's out of integrity. The same is true if you're
15:48
dating somebody and you say, I value being a kind person, but
15:51
the person you're dating is unkind to the waitstaff at the
15:54
restaurant. That's out of integrity because
15:56
you're accepting it In somebody who you're in an intimate
16:00
relationship with. It's different, I think in terms
16:02
of friendship, right? Friends are not as much of A,
16:06
they don't have as much of an impact on who we really are.
16:09
And that's your choice if you want to be friends with that
16:10
person or not. But recognizing that it can be
16:13
out of integrity another way that we're out of integrity.
16:15
And I'm going to, this is going to be a lot of people who I
16:18
think do, especially in the United States is when we say I
16:22
value financial freedom, but we're spending our money in
16:25
wasteful ways, right? We're spending it on things we
16:29
don't need to be spending it on low quality things, things that
16:32
are not investments and things that don't nourish us and make
16:35
us happy. And that's a personal decision,
16:38
what that would mean. But that's out of integrity,
16:41
It's out of alignment. It damages your self esteem,
16:44
your magnetism, your ability to manifest what you want.
16:46
OK Category 3 is self compassion and this is what I've talked
16:50
about is speaking to yourself with understanding and not
16:54
criticism. It's when things don't go your
16:56
way. How do you show up for you?
16:58
Do you show up for you as a loving mother would with her
17:02
child? Or do you show up for yourself
17:04
with damn you're such an idiot like that hurts my heart even
17:07
thinking about anyone talking to themselves like that.
17:10
So notice and begin to shift. Then Category 4 is boundaries.
17:15
So it's are you saying no when you mean no?
17:17
Are you saying yes when you mean no and really noticing it and
17:20
it's also boundaries with yourself.
17:22
So something that I noticed that was damaging my confidence is at
17:26
the start of the week, I would like pack in my week.
17:28
I would have like myself time blocked and scheduled with so
17:32
much to do and it would give me this kind of low level anxiety.
17:35
And because I wouldn't have as much time for fun and play and
17:39
my friends and my family and those kinds of things.
17:41
And I was neglecting a boundary I had for myself of giving
17:47
myself time to rest, giving myself time to do the things
17:50
that matter to me. So there can be internal
17:52
boundaries as well as external boundaries of not allowing other
17:56
people to treat you in ways that you don't want to be treated.
17:59
Or if you don't want to do something, saying no, right?
18:02
You don't have to say yes as women were so taught to say yes
18:05
to people please to appease. Then the 5th category is
18:09
ownership and this is taking responsibility for your results
18:13
without shame. So if you say I want to grow a
18:17
business and then it doesn't go as well as you want it to go,
18:21
OK, you look at that and you take ownership for that and then
18:24
you adjust without speaking to yourself unkindly.
18:27
Same is true for if you say something, it hurts someone
18:30
else's feelings or you are triggered and you lash out at
18:33
somebody, taking ownership of that rather than just kind of
18:37
sliding it under the rug or making it about them.
18:40
Taking ownership of the things that you could do better without
18:45
making it mean anything about yourself.
18:47
And that's one of the most massive things that you can do
18:50
for yourself and shifts that you can make is realizing that when
18:53
you make mistakes, when you mess up, it doesn't mean anything
18:56
about you and your character and the quality of your being.
18:59
All it is is that you have learning and growth to do.
19:02
That's it. We stopped making our mistakes
19:04
so much about our worthlessness and making get more about, OK,
19:09
I'm a soul and I get to learn just like everybody else.
19:11
Then #5 excuse me. Number six is celebration.
19:15
And this is literally acknowledging and being proud of
19:18
yourself for your wins, no matter how small they may be,
19:21
and allowing yourself to be excited for yourself when you do
19:25
well. And this is huge.
19:27
This is fuel for everything else.
19:29
If we're constantly going for that next level and we're never
19:32
celebrating anything, we're going to get burned out.
19:35
We're not going to want to keep going because we won't feel like
19:38
we have the fuel. Celebration is fuel for the
19:41
things that you want. So I hope that that has been
19:44
tremendously helpful for you. Would love, love, love.
19:48
If this is a topic that interests you, if this is
19:51
something that you want to work on, I'd love to invite you into
19:54
the visionary challenge happening right now in my
19:57
community. It is 22 days.
20:00
We just kicked off 3 days ago where we are working on all of
20:03
these things, on building your confidence, on helping you
20:06
become the visionary. Of your life where you really
20:10
truly go after the things you want, you are in alignment with
20:13
the things that you want. You become the version of you
20:17
who you want to be with high confidence, high self esteem.
20:21
That's really what the visionary is about.
20:24
It's about manifesting your vision from a place that feels
20:27
incredibly good and manifesting the version of you who you
20:30
really want to be. So if you'd like to join that,
20:33
you can. I'll put the link in the show
20:35
notes. You can also go to my Instagram
20:37
bio. The link is there.
20:39
You can message me on Instagram at alignment with Jen.
20:42
I would love to hear from you. Tell me in the comments of this
20:45
episode on Spotify or on Apple what landed for you, what you
20:49
enjoyed, what you learned. I love hearing from you guys.
20:53
So please let me know. And I am so excited to share the
20:57
next episode with you next week. Have a fabulous this week.
20:59
Bye.