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The Mind is a Garden: How to Uproot Limiting Beliefs to Create Our Dream Life · Love and Science Fertility

• 0:33
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Love and Science podcast.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Today we're going to be talking about something inspired by my yard, which is weeds and limiting beliefs and the fact that our minds are truly gardens.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: So I think about the way that my landscaping looks, and there are bushes and there are flowers and there are rock formations, although maybe it's because I've been away for a couple of weeks or maybe it's because of all the rain we've been having.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: But, man, I went for a run yesterday and as I was like looking at my house from the perspective of my neighbors, I was like good Lord, there's a lot of weeds there.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: I can't even see the flowers, I can't even see the bushes.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Kind of looks like a jungle over at my house.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: What's going on?
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: And so I committed that I would slowly but surely make it right and I started to weed once I got back and as I was doing this, I realized that a lot of the weeds were superficial, right, like they were pretty easy to uproot and put in a pile.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Some had thorns, which of course, I had to be careful for those, but some were super deep, like way deeper than I expected, because I really did a thorough weeding about a month ago and it made me think about our mind is a garden.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: It made me think about how we have so many thoughts that run deep, many of which we're not even consciously aware of, and what do we need to do when we realize the hold that these thoughts are having on us.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: What do we need to do to uproot them and not just like clip them off at the ground level, because that doesn't work right.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: They're going to keep growing and you know they'll grow back, they'll take other forms and shapes and still have their power.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: But what do we need to do to truly uproot those negative thoughts, those limiting beliefs that are under the surface, kind of running the show, controlling the narrative, so that we can have our beautiful landscaping and garden back again?
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: That's really the question.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: So I think we talked a little bit about the mind is a garden.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: And what do we want there?
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: For me, in my mind, I want sort of uplifting, inspiring thoughts, possibility thinking.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I want friendship, I want love, I want belief in myself.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: I want belief in myself, I want curiosity, I want self-compassion and the absence of self-judgment, right, I want self-kindness and I want harmony right, I want a blend of colors and textures and shapes and sizes, this beautiful diversity of color that is not being literally choked by invasive species, right?
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: So I think in my mind I want some free space where I have space to analyze and dream and just even be right, and I don't want to be so full that the minute I get a new thought or idea, something needs to get kicked out either.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: I kind of want the capacity to be able to hold it all right.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: So I think of my mind as a beautiful garden and it's visually appealing.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Visually appealing, it's calm, it's nourishing, it's inspiring.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: I think of.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: What I don't want is what I saw yesterday, which is kind of an unkempt garden that is just overrun, where I can't even see the flowers anymore.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Right, like, I'm so burdened and overrun by limiting beliefs and negative thinking that sometimes I can't even tell the weeds from the flowers.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Right, I'm like, is that a weed or a flower?
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: I can't really tell, and that's that's a problem.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Right, we got to have a little clarity and know what's what.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: But the thing is, if we don't look like I didn't look for the last couple of weeks number one the weeds keep growing, they get thicker, they get deeper, they get more plentiful and we also are cutting off the growth of what we really want to be there.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: So I think the first step is to acknowledge that, in order for our minds to stay focused, to stay light, to stay pure and unencumbered by invasive species, we really do need to tend to it daily.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: And so when I think about that, I think, okay, what are my thoughts?
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: That means I need to create space in my life to actually get curious, because 95% of the time our actions are being driven by our subconscious, like we don't even know.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: We're not even aware of the thoughts and feelings that are driving our actions.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: And a lot of the time, if you're like me, you're like huh, why did I do that?
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Or that was kind of, you know, interesting that I chose that phrase to say to my friend or parent or something.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: We kind of do things a little bit automatically, whereas if we were to understand that a little bit better, we might have a little bit more discernment and we might not even say those things in the first place.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: So when we can start to shine a light on those thoughts, shine a light on those beliefs, that's really where our power comes, because then we can see the weeds super clearly.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: We know what we need to grab and we know what we need to uproot.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: So hopefully this visual makes sense, especially if your garden is looking like mine these days.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: So I think that as we think about the fertility journey, it's helpful to think about some of the limiting beliefs that might be the weeds that we can't even see right now.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Right, one limiting belief might be I should be able to figure this out, especially if we're a female physician undergoing the fertility process.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: It's like, hey, I went to medical school, I should understand this, but I don't.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: And then we start to feel bad about ourselves.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Another weed, another limiting belief, is this is never going to work, right?
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: I think, especially after a couple of unsuccessful transfers, unsuccessful results thus far, unsuccessful cycles, I think we can get really discouraged and even self-protective.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: And if we think it's never going to work, we're probably blocking that energy.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Right, we're blocking that hope, we're blocking that possibility.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: There's no blame, but I think, just to acknowledge that sometimes what we expect becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: So how can we acknowledge that we are protecting ourselves, that we are having these thoughts so that we can uproot them?
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Another weed in the garden can be I'm too old to be doing this right, and we've talked about this before, especially with the birthday episode.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Age is just a construct, but our brains tell us these things, they offer us this.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: We start to believe it and then, you know, we think that we're sort of not deserving of parenthood, not deserving that the process should be successful.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Another weed in the garden is you know, this is all my fault.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Either I waited too long to do this or I.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: You know, it's because I chose a career in medicine that's stressful.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: That's why this isn't working.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: You know, I think once we can recognize this, then we can start to challenge those thoughts.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: But until we know what's running in the background, running the script, then we can't even have that opportunity to address it.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: I also think there can be those deeper, thicker roots of the weeds that can be especially problematic.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: One example of those is I'm not worthy to be a parent.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes we make a negative pregnancy test mean that the universe is trying to tell us something or showing us we're not meant to be a parent, which I mean, that's.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I took logic in college.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: That is not a logical statement, but I think that, as we try to make meaning out of things, as we often take excessive responsibility for all of the world's problems are fixing our patients' problems and sometimes fixing our families and saving the world.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: I mean, it goes out and out and out, right.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: But I think that we can be believing these things and not even realize it, that we have this deep shame, this deep unworthiness, and those can be linked to core wounds, right, those can be linked to childhood, they can be linked to trauma, and so really realizing that there is a we, that is that insidious and deep, I think, is the first step, and then we can start to slowly figure out what equipment do we need, what other people do we need to help to uncover this situation, so that, like I said before, we're not just chopping it off at the surface level, but we're really getting to the root of the matter.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Another deep, limiting belief is I don't deserve this.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: And I will say we are all deserving, right, there's nothing about any of us that makes us not deserving of a family, of parenthood, any of it.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: But I do think that we start to tell ourselves these things, especially after repeated unsuccessful cycles, and once we can understand that this is what's going on in our sort of thought chatter, like I said before, then we can start to address it.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: So, really, the first step in all of this is the awareness, like what are my thoughts, what are my thoughts creating in terms of my feelings, and how is that translating into my day-to-day actions?
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: This is like coaching in a nutshell, but it's so practical.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: It's one thing I love about coaching.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: So once we have the awareness, then we can inject some self-compassion into the equation.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: We can tell ourselves anyone in my situation would be feeling this way, right, like, yes, it is really crappy that I've had three embryo transfers and things haven't worked out.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Anybody in my situation would be feeling very discouraged and sad, right.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: I also think that once we have this awareness, that's where we can take back some of our agency.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: Right, we can say this is my garden.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Self-critical thoughts are not allowed here.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: So if we can recognize that we're having these thoughts that are not serving us, that's when we get to decide that those are the weeds that we're going to attack and we're going to take them out.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: But the key is we really can't do this alone.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: I tried.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: Hey, my garden is looking pretty darn good right now.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: It's not a hundred percent, but it is really a lot better, like you know, eight lawn and leaf bags later, if that gives you a visual.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: But I think that, like we can't do this alone, right?
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: So we might need to call a trusted friend and say, hey, I've got this really deep weed.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: You know it's pretty deep seated.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Can you come over and help me uproot it?
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: And that's a metaphor, right, maybe we sit with our friend and have a cup of coffee or a cup of tea and we unpack a limiting belief that is really getting us down, right?
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: I just keep thinking X, y, z, over and over and over again.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: And can you help me see a different way?
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Help me see a different way.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: One exercise I do with my clients is that when they share a thought right, a thought is like in relation to a circumstance which is neutral, but the thought usually has some sort of judgment to it I ask myself or actually I ask them, excuse me.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I say, if you were your own friend, right, and you just heard this thought, what would you say in return?
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: And invariably they say, oh, my goodness, I would say that's so not true.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: I would recognize that it's completely ridiculous.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: But when it's our own thought, tied to our own sense of self and our own fears and worries and anxieties, somehow these thoughts that don't serve us.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: They just become that much more believable.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: So getting a little bit of distance and space is a trick that I really love.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Like if my friend were sharing this with me, what would I tell them?
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: It just gives me that outside perspective, because usually we are much kinder to our friends than we are to ourselves, and it just gives that space and separation that we can have a little bit more appropriate perspective on thoughts that may be quite irrational and not serving us.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: You know like we think about like what is the sunshine?
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: A garden can't grow without sunshine.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: So maybe it's daily meditation, maybe it's yoga, maybe it's exercise, maybe it's spending time with a loved one.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: You know our gardens needs nourishment.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: They need to be watered daily.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: They need, you know, maybe we put some you know helpful fertilizer on them and maybe you know we encourage those wonderful thoughts to grow and flourish.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: We plant those seeds, we nurture them, all the while that we're tending to those negative thoughts that keep coming back over and over again.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: So I think the point is we don't do this alone At Love Science.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: We do this in community at our Friday night support groups.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: We do the one-to-one coaching as well and that's a little bit more tailored support.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: But I think a coach can really be helpful in terms of guiding this process too, because sometimes we don't see our own limiting beliefs until somebody points it out and says did you notice that?
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: That has come up a few times now, right, or that thought or that feeling in a very nonjudgmental way.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: In a very nonjudgmental way.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: But sometimes we do need a guide or a Sherpa to help us through the journey of our inner world, and that is something I pride myself on.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: A lot is being able to help women physicians do that who are undergoing the fertility process.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: So it's a little bit like calibration.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: It's like, okay, how is my garden today?
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: I have to look to know.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: If there's a few weeds, I get to pluck them out.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: If it's a jungle, then maybe that might take a little bit more care and attention and maybe even several sessions.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: But I do think that filling our well, calling in additional resources can be really powerful, because then it's just not so overwhelming and then maybe we can help our friends with their gardens too.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: It's a much more enjoyable thing, and then maybe we can help our friends with their gardens too, it's a much more enjoyable thing.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: But to be in the overwhelm I think we can be there temporarily, but then sometimes we just kind of switch out to say, okay, I need, that's where the power is, and that's when you start to have a garden that is sustainable and free of those gripping weeds that surprise you with how deep they go.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: And so I think, at the end of the day, what I want to leave you with is this question of how do I want my garden to look, and that comes down to how do I want to feel.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: So there's the unintentional model, which is the intentional model of coaching, which is to say, the unintentional model is our default, it's what we do automatically.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: Default it's what we do automatically.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: We are not aware of it, and usually that leads us showing up in ways that we don't want to show up.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: We just don't understand why.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: But when we can shine a light on those thoughts and feelings and then decide how do we want to feel about this, what thoughts would we need to think to feel that way?
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: And then, once we are to feel a certain way, think about the actions that will ensue from that much more empowered stance.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: That's really what a certain way think about the actions that will ensue from that much more empowered stance.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: That's really what we do when we think about being very intentional about our gardens and our thoughts, and maybe we don't have those super strong inroads just yet because it takes time to nurture that new garden, it takes time to even understand what we want to be there.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: But I promise you, with time, what we nurture grows.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: And if we nurture our positive thoughts, our mantras, our affirmations, our possibility thinking, we up-level our identity.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: Right, we say I am a person who does X, y, z.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: I am a person who believes that this fertility treatment will be successful.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: I am a person who believes I am deserving of becoming a parent, just like anybody else on this planet.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Right, when we can start to change those negative thoughts, those limiting thoughts, those core beliefs to more uplifting, abundant, beautiful thoughts, that then becomes our reality and we think the things we need to think to feel the way we want to feel, our empowered actions spring from those much more positive feelings and that's when we take massive action and that's when we think more clearly, we make better decisions.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: We, you know, move in a direction.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: We work with our REI, we work with a coach, all the things but I really do believe that coaching is the key to being able to find our best pathways and to be able to, on a daily basis, uproot those weeds that really don't belong there, that just keep us stuck, and really be able to have the garden, the mindset, the reality of our dreams.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: So with that and that's one reason I love living in upstate New York is because I have the seasons and so I can speak to all these different things you know that maybe in the fall we'll talk about letting go and the leaves that fall and how we can let go.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: I have so many ideas, but with that I will leave you.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: You know I love you, you know I care about your garden, you know I tend to mine as I help you tend to yours, and we do this important work together.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, that's all until the next time.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: Bye.