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Boundaries 101 · Two Takes, One Marriage

• Susan: Welcome back, how you doing babe? good. Yeah, what'd do this weekend? this weekend we got to go to Trus Park and watch banana ball. So yesterday of today of recording, so it's Monday, but Sunday we got two. see Savannah bananas play the animals. And it was Mother's Day, so we got to see all of the mothers our lives. ⁓ that too. was Mother's Day this ⁓ Sunday as well. ⁓ got to see ⁓ mom, grandma Nana and your mom ⁓ all the same hour. ⁓ Yeah. we're church together. So. Yeah, so. Pretty, pretty great. Okay. Anything else exciting happen this weekend? Ummm... No, it kind of was hung out. we didn't. Other than the game, we just kind had a chill. Chill weekend. Chill weekend, which was good because ⁓ we a reset from the past week. Yeah, it a weekend. I enjoyed it. It too short. It's always too short. However, in... 11 days go on a cruise. Yeah, we're going on cruise in 11 days 11 days and then we ⁓ on a cruise Four Friday next week to Monday, right? Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. We get back to Portland Monday? Mm-hmm. try to do the drive back after we get in the car so that we can, because have ⁓ Tuesday Yeah, ⁓ I'll go back work Wednesday next week or in ⁓ two weeks. Yeah, I gonna go back on Wednesday. So, I a recovery day. So. ⁓ Yeah, we're need that recovery day for sure. Yeah. ⁓ I'm excited. I'm excited to be my first cruise. Yeah. ⁓ It'll be my first cruise as an adult. I did a cruise when I was in seventh grade and it was fun. The one thing I remember the most is going to the Circle C club or Circle K club, whatever it was called. She went to a gas station club. Yeah. Well, I'm pretty sure it was C because it's the carnival cruise. Still no reaction. I don't... I'm sorry. I find it funny. It's okay. funny in other ways. Apparently not. ⁓ are. Okay. Well, that's last time I remember going on a cruise. I don't remember much of it. I remember I one day. It was a whole experience because ⁓ of ⁓ women problems. So, was ⁓ Very traumatizing. Because I did not want to get off the boat. Then my mom wanted me get off the boat. But to get off the boat, I had to use TMI. I had to use a tampon to be able to go swimming off the boat or whatever. I think I remember you telling me this story. Yeah, I didn't want to do it. I was, again, seventh grade. Like, I was still fairly new to a woman's cycle. So, I was crying because I didn't know what to do and it wasn't working and it's not going great and so I'm crying and I'm crying and it was just... My mom probably remembers it a lot better than I do. But yeah, it was very traumatic for me. Well, this time, hopefully it'll be better. Yeah, this time it would be better. Well, that was only one day of the cruise and I think it was like towards the end of it. is going a week long cruise? I think so. I think we went for a spring break or something or fall break. Somebody in my company is going for like a two week cruise. I'm like, how do you have the money to spend on a two week cruise? It's kind of like how some people spend two weeks in Japan. Yeah, you save up. Yeah, I guess that makes sense like if you don't like if we weren't going to the places we were going this year like the cruise or Yeah, I would I would have said we probably go for multi more day cruise, but we have two other trips plan this yeah also ⁓ could we not go at all to anything ⁓ and just Only have weekend vacations and then up ⁓ go to Japan and some people go for like two weeks to three weeks ⁓ because they just overseas is usually a multi-week thing yeah they save they up enough money to do that and they also like save up PTO like they wait to take all their PTO at one time it happens for people yeah that's the goal the next trip The next trip in next two years I want to go to Japan. That's the goal. like not excited about it. I know we have our passports so might as some use out of them. Right? Yeah. Okay, I know this week's ⁓ is going to be very exciting because we won the series against ⁓ Defending Champs. So ⁓ got yesterday ⁓ some merch. ⁓ Susan me the C-Connect jersey ⁓ and got Albies. ⁓ So ⁓ trying get the different types of jerseys right now. The only one I don't have is the blue, the navy blue ones, dark blue ones. but I have. The white home jersey, have the other City Connect jersey. I have the red jersey. But I don't have the blue and I don't have the white gray one, which I don't really care that much if I don't get. Well, also, I don't really see them on sale as much as I see the other jerseys. Yeah. Because they're white jerseys and not many people want to wear a white jersey. Yeah, because they'll be going to the game when they're at home. Yeah. Like these are gonna be, they're gonna be wearing every Friday, every Saturday night home game. They're gonna be wearing the City Connects. So. Yeah. The powder blues. You know, I'm gonna have to learn how to get stains out eventually. Why? Do you have stains in one of your jerseys? No. I'm talking when we have kids and we have a boy who plays baseball or a girl that... plays Little League or whatever. I'm gonna have to learn how to get stains out for their games. I'm just not realizing that. I don't know how to do that. But anyways, we have some more injury updates. We ended up losing our first series last Thursday. We ran into some good pitching, didn't hit very well in the Seattle series. But then... This past weekend, we went to the Dodgers who we have been playing terrible since 22. I think we've been. We ever won a series there. We got swept like three times the last time. Last three times we were there. Um, and this time we took the series win. Um, and yesterday had a couple of injuries happen. You know, Eli White had a game, pretty much a game saving catch that he face planted into the wall. So he's going to be on a concussion protocol and be on the seven day IL. Um, and then Sean Murphy got hit on a catcher's interference by the bat. The guy is swinging. So I think he was going to get x-rayed. So I don't know if he's going to miss some more time, which is likely. I think, I don't know if there's an update for that yet. And then our shortstop, Ha-San Kim, that ligament in his finger, is going to be back on Tuesday when we face the Red Hot Cubs. coming into town. So hopefully we can pull off that series because two of the best teams in baseball are going to be... The Cubs? Yeah. still wanna learn. Mr. Dazby Swanson. Yeah. didn't really fight her to keep him and he also has ties to Chicago too I think so. Still. Even though he's from Swanny. He was nice to look at. ⁓ so we get to play the Cubs ⁓ and coming back home after this long ⁓ away and hopefully we can pull out a series win there too. And Acuna is to be eligible to come off the IL on Wednesday but said that he still needs to check all the boxes and I don't see them rushing him back because of how well our offense does is doing ⁓ they have to get him to fully recover so maybe later this week ⁓ or next he'll be back ⁓ so nice very thank I hope everyone really the bravest ⁓ much as they're all over social media so if ⁓ have I'm sure you see a lot of updates from different people posting. Here's the thing though we're on we're on somewhat similar algorithm but not the same. ⁓ Yeah. ⁓ when hear these updates it's my first time hearing them. There you I don't know about a lot of these that I get updates from other people posting stuff on social media. ⁓ Yeah. And I don't have that. That's not on my feed. hearing you... I also watch... I've been watching pretty much every game. So... Yes. So I also know what happens in the game if a player goes down and stuff like that. Yes. But again, you're how I get my news. Like who I tune into on my Braves news. ⁓ Other like... being in the same room with you when you're watching a game. I know the gist of like the wins that we get. because you tell me, but... Like other than that, like this whole injuries on this whole when they're coming back and all this, I know nothing about. If someone were to ask me, I would be like, you're talking to the wrong person. Let me, let me grab my husband for you. Cause that's you should be talking to, not me. So I appreciate it. Now, if only you could like do it for all teams, just baseball in general. I mean I can give an update to the Berbers too you want me to. ⁓ I'm talking about like broadly like just whatever happens. baseball in general? Yeah. But I feel like we should because this is brave country so. I mean I could do Atlanta sports. Yeah what's in Atlanta sports? ⁓ Well the ⁓ Hawks lost the first against the Knicks but it seems like they're put up the best fight so far against the Knicks because the 76ers just got swept by the Knicks. So... think though... Because they stole two games from them. The only thing is like... And then the draft was yesterday. I don't know exactly what, who Atlanta picked up, but they, I know they had the number eight pick. I I think what I would, me personally, like, I don't know. I like to know what's going on. during that season. the drafts are super important and, know, keeping up with the season of ⁓ one's. like... another podcast out there that has two brothers on it and during football They they talk about the games that happened That weekend ⁓ who won Just give like a quick highlight, but like that's it That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, ⁓ like ⁓ I more once more season of coming to play Well, you could have been doing that this whole time in baseball, but we really I kind of just really wanted to see how it would fare with just focusing on the Braves I don't want you to get overwhelmed with like having to feel like you have to get all the facts and be like ⁓ I have not really, know focusing like different teams because your focus is like the Braves. ⁓ You don't watch other teams as closely? No, I mean I don't, I literally don't watch any other games. I mean only pay for the Braves broadcast anyways. Oh yeah, but I could pay for the $200 to get all of the MLB and then have Blackouts but... No, I wanted to... ⁓ Just like, I don't know. It was just a thought. You don't have to do it. But I think eventually expanding that to there. Definitely when we get into like college football. Oh, I mean can talk. College football will mostly focus. I can talk all about the, I can talk all about the SEC. Yeah. I feel like you're gonna be more more I focus a lot on the SEC during college football season as a whole yeah I want you do not memory watching all the SEC games I would be I would have it on all freaking day Saturday because I'm watching all the SEC games and in a row we had a very remember that no because we had a very busy We had very busy weekends. We had honeymoon, weddings, and we had like... Yeah, but... You were always watching the Alabama games. But, like, you weren't always constantly watching. You watched maybe two or three other games during the whole season. There's more than that. You think so? Mm-hmm. Okay. Well, I mean, you can do the whole SEC with... I also tuned into the Georgia games every week too. always. ⁓ did, I always had to. ⁓ Cause there were, I remember the one time where it was, we had them both going at the same time down That was the first game of the season, yeah. Yeah. But no, I always had the Georgia game going. it was probably because we were doing something and I just had it on my phone. Maybe. I don't know. Cause we, again, we were- ⁓ we also watched it when we were at your ex friend's wedding. No, that was the Alabama game. We watched the Alabama game and then the Georgia game right after, but you fell asleep. were playing Texas. ⁓ I don't My wife's memories is cooked. it's very selective. It It is. is. I think I things like I things that I feel like are going to be important later, but also I remember random details. Yeah. ⁓ No, I also think my head is crammed with like to remember everything I have to do at my job that my just takes things at most So today we're gonna learn about boundaries. they are, why matter, ⁓ and they change your life. Yeah, that so much like what you're trying to lead Is that sarcasm? Yes. ⁓ Okay. Fine. Your butt's just Okay, do know what a boundary Like... know what a boundary is in and other setting up are ⁓ too what's boundary like a personal standpoint ⁓ personal standpoint in work standpoint there's like boundaries that you cross ⁓ that you There's no right or Make someone feel uncomfortable. There's boundaries that you don't cross. It's your boss. Yeah. But that they have like work-wise. Okay. Doing your task and things like that. Yeah, you're a on the right track. So boundaries are one of those things everybody talks about now, but most people still really don't know what they are. Some people think boundaries are shutting people out, think it's being rude, but boundaries are actually one of the most healthiest things you can have. So healthy boundaries and there's learned. A lot ⁓ anxiety, resentment, even burnout comes from a weak or non-existent boundary. So here are what boundaries are really. are limits you create to protect your time, your your emotions, your mental and your physical space. Notice how I your. Boundaries are not rules other people. They're rules for yourself. So example is my boundary wouldn't be, you can't yell at me. not setting a boundary. Setting boundary would be if yelling starts, ⁓ I'm the conversation. So your is I'm not going to listen to you yell at me. I'm gonna walk And that's a boundary setting because it's only something you have in your control. So when you set a and think about when you set a boundary, it's what you have control over. not controlling another person. It's anything like ⁓ And a of people, like I said they take it as being rude. So if I were to say, if I were to use that example, if yelling starts, ⁓ I'm the conversation and having this conversation and say, Hey, yelling starts I am gonna leave this conversation they and we continue and they then reach it to that yelling stage and I walk out and like they just out didn't even finish the conversation wouldn't even talk to me you know it can be seen as being rude but also that was a boundary that you set boundary that you had you had control over leaving the situation because you weren't gonna weren't gonna hear it usually so what your boundaries ⁓ caught where your boundaries come from is you ⁓ Like, they, it's usually experiences, usually, you know, growing up, you kind of learn what you will accept and won't accept. Because it's basically you accepting something or you not accepting something. It's like, it's your choice. But it's... You can't put it in a way that's controlling. Like you can't control the other person. You can control yourself. Yeah. And if don't feel comfortable with something, you say, hey, my boundary is that, you know, I'm, ⁓ uncomfortable this. So if this to happen, I will not, ⁓ will no longer able to give you X, Y, and Z, you know, ⁓ like, I'm uncomfortable hearing about you, fight with significant other and I have ⁓ withdraw myself because ⁓ cannot. I cannot be un-opinionated that point. It's kind of like you've reached a point. Yeah, where you need to get yourself out of that situation. Yes. Get yourself out of the situation, but also like going ahead and you can set these. It doesn't have to be until you've reached a point. You can set the boundary as soon as you know that, actually. That's not... Which no one should really know about your arguments with your significant other anyways. Correct. I don't think anyone should know about what you talk about with your significant other like wise or ⁓ know... You maybe talk about it after it's been resolved. Yeah. But when an argument, ⁓ I don't think should be involved in that because it is... It just causes more damage than it does healing. the person you should be talking to is significant other. You shouldn't talking to, ⁓ you know, grandma, your your cousin, your, your coworker. ⁓ Like, you're in argumentative you should be discussing with your partner. And so... If something like, like let's say we had an argument about something, it was resolved and then we were talking about how we overcame that argument, then yeah, that's, that's a time to talk about it or just to give an example to someone of something that you've argued about, but you've gotten over it. And you know, that's, that's in and of itself. wasn't even- They had a little bit of a tendency. Yeah. But- You know, so with as you're growing, you kind of learn what boundaries you want. And other times you don't learn boundaries. Like you, you, you don't know how to put a, put a stop on certain things like. you're not confident in yourself to be like, no, I'm not okay with that. Yeah. Type of thing. So ⁓ have weak boundaries ⁓ those people ⁓ have weak boundaries are often grew up avoiding conflict. That's one for me. I dislike because I, I in my already know the outcome because of the presentation that that person has upon me. ⁓ know how they're going to react when I try to talk them about something. so I don't want to have ⁓ the conflict. ⁓ want to people, ⁓ I don't people like, not everybody has to like But I don't want to have unnecessary drama. that make sense? Like don't want to have unnecessary anger towards me especially with anyone that I have to regularly interact with. Like that's one my biggest I would rather not, ⁓ would rather avoid it not have anything to do with it because... It is easier to just let it go than to bring it up and then for who knows how long as like if it's someone I work with every day and there's a conflict and I don't want to talk about it. It's better if I just leave alone because if I bring it up and things go the way that I assume that they would go. It's. down it's all downhill and then Then I have to sit and work with that person Until either a I find a new job B. They find a new job or C Eventually, maybe something breaks the ice between us but then it's like ⁓ you're so another person has weak ⁓ boundaries are Taught saying is disrespectful They also caretakers early. sometimes people who have weak boundaries became and dad ⁓ at early age because mom dad not taking care of the family and they to step in that And then they also have ⁓ fear of rejection or abandonment. So that's people with weak boundaries. you have people with overly rigid boundaries, which means they more boundaries, way over Like they're constantly having boundaries like wah, wah, wah, wah. So this person may been hurt repeatedly, struggled trusting people or isolate Those people tend to... have ⁓ rigid boundaries. Now you have that or if ⁓ you yes to any of that ⁓ but still feel your boundaries are good, ⁓ that's This is just what is provided. mean that it applies to every person. Every person is different. Everyone has ⁓ different if, take you want this. You know, it's not to point anybody out. It's not to be like, one of the reasons I really wanted to talk about this is because ⁓ I'm who struggles ⁓ with I know about myself. And so I it's important that people understand and can ⁓ potentially that if someone telling no, or if someone is saying something that like, if this happens, ⁓ will then ⁓ to do this ⁓ protect myself. They're coming at you to be harsh. They're coming you to just let know that like they're trying to protect themselves from the overload, the like there has to be. ⁓ There has to be a break in a given take certain things. So, you know, some people have no boundaries, others can have walls so high that nobody can, you know, get close. And that can be seen in all shapes and forms. Yeah, I see myself as less boundary. you feel like you have weak boundaries? But a lot, with some things, yeah. Yeah. I feel like- like the confrontation thing is kind of similar in the ways with that though. Yeah. Well, like, ⁓ there's diff- I do want- I do want to point out there is a difference between- between say like doing something because you feel like you have to then doing something because you want to help. Those are two different things because I know like when we were dating and when we got married and like even now. We're married. When we got married and even now. was saying like. But we're married though. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yes we're married. Well, I'm not showing it today. Neither am I. Neither am I. I forgot to put on my rings today. I don't know if I can wear my ring anymore, to be honest. Can you wear your rubber one? No, because it's the same size. It's gonna be stretchy a little bit. No, it's just as bad. Yeah, my fingers with the heat have just been swelling a lot more than normal. No. Unfortunate. But throughout dating, getting married, being married, ⁓ people have said ⁓ you love serve. And you love, you love serving people, like being of service and ⁓ helping out. That different than, boundary setting. Like There's a difference between doing an act of service than doing something because you feel like you have to or you feel like you can't say no to it. So we're going to go in about each type of boundary. We're going to talk a little bit about each of them. there is the emotional boundaries. It protects your emotions from ⁓ or emotional dumping. So examples are not accepting disrespect, which Yes and no in a way because like not saying you someone that you don't know like personally ⁓ you from someone who hurts from someone who hurt someone ⁓ from that they were disrespecting you. You could tell the person who told you hey I don't need know that I don't really know them that well and I'm okay not not hearing that ⁓ like. I this person who knows this person who knows this person that disrespected me. Yeah. Who? Do you know? No. okay. Well, did it phase you? No, I was just building off what you said. I'm trying to be informative. I know! And yous over here cracking the jokes. Jokes though. I'm letting you be informative, So... I'm not carrying everyone's problems. And not tolerating guilt trips. So... guilt tripping is like the biggest thing. It's like... Where... I know someone who does that. They try to make you bad for saying no to something or saying, you can't. And then they either try to get you into it, they try to make you feel like you have to do it or you're a bad person, anything like that. And so. You know, this, ways in which ⁓ you're ⁓ responsible for others emotions in like, absorbing everyone's Like that's, that's emotional boundary. Like you can't control someone emotions and how they react. You can control how you You can control, you know, how you react, the actions that you take, and absorbing everyone's stress. I don't know how to go about fixing that part, because I don't know. I don't feel like I absorb other people's stress. I feel like I just have my own stress and I push it on everyone. I have my own stress. I'm filled to that. People stress me. I don't stress people. Do I stress her out all the time? No, not all the time. can't stand... I can't too stand that. Oh my goodness. People are not gonna take this as jokes. Yes they are. We're both smiling at it. Why do you think people are gonna take it as jokes? Yes, because of people that can't see us that only listen. And they hear your tone of voice and they're just like, dang. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna impress me. gonna be ⁓ It's like... Where's that from? It's like those TikToks that... ⁓ ...embarass you and your significant other Where's that from? What? It's gonna be ⁓ I don't know where that's from. I'm not thinking of anything right now. of a guy and then he goes, okay. really deep at the end. Da da da da. ⁓ It's gonna okay. It's like a song. Michael Jackson? No, no, no, no, it's not Michael Jackson's song. I don't know what song it is. Well, why not? Michael Jackson never had his deep voice when he was singing, so never mind. couldn't have been Michael Jackson. No. Ugh. She doesn't even know? Keep your head up kid, it's gonna be okay. your head up kid, it's gonna be okay. It's be okay. Someone to it. I will look it up after we're done. Cause, no, it's in my head. ⁓ Okay. ⁓ Next we have our time boundaries. Protecting your schedule and your energy. This is one I feel like the most in which I have big issue in. Like saying no to plans, not answering work messages off hours, taking rest Like that's... ⁓ that's like it is. ⁓ I just ⁓ ⁓ try to fit everything in that I can because I feel like I cannot say no ⁓ people because have, have our life ⁓ and then there's many hours that have free time and I want to hang out with people. It's not that I don't want to hang out with people I want to, you know, do the fun, but there are times in which ⁓ I say no a lot more than what I do just because I should take a break. There are a lot of times where you say no though. It's not very mental. Not very many. No, a lot of times it goes, what do you want to do? you can go if you want. I'll you make that decision. Yeah, because I'm tired of making decisions. I make decisions every day. do What decisions do you make, love? What decisions do I make? Please enlighten me on the decisions you make at I make a decision to get up, ⁓ to go work every day. make decisions on what I'm gonna eat for the day, what I'm gonna do when I get home from work. Okay. I make decisions on how I'm gonna perform the tasks that I have at work. don't just tell you how to do your task? Or you just, ⁓ not the same task? Hmm, it's different. depending on what we're working on the person who is the job. ⁓ But they usually tell you. Well, they'll let you out, say, this is what needs to be done, and then... let you do work from there. Yeah, you're not making like any like decision decisions. I'm not making any decision decisions. Like what do you make? During your work. What decisions do you make during work? Because I don't want to get into trouble here. Are you in trouble here? I make decisions on my job on where I need to start. I make a decision on, how do I make this show up here and then go here? it comes back and then it's wrong because... Yes, and then I have to rethink it and I have to re-decide. and then I have to re-do it, which means I have to re-decide and swap and then I have to know where everything needs to go and I have to decide where it's gonna go. How many times do you have to go back through something? Typically. There was one time I went through something five times. you would send it in and that certain person was like this is not right you gotta fix this this this and this? I sent it in. They looked at it for a little bit. Sent it back. ⁓ and said they'll review it when I send it back. finish reviewing it when I send it back. ⁓ sent it back with the one update that they asked. ⁓ then found two more things I needed to update, so I then updated it, sent it back. ⁓ they found three more things. Instead just reviewing the whole entire thing and finding all of the mistakes at ⁓ one it was being sent So yeah, I know I know you make a lot of decisions at work Yeah, I make I make an overwhelming amount of decisions because also then if I'm working on something and I get told hey do this I have to decide one is the more important one that I've been told to do because I don't know I have no direction ⁓ I'm constantly making that decision every time I get something added to my plate Yeah, when I get home and you're and I ask you a question, ⁓ what's for dinner? And you say, what do you wanna do? is the last thing I want ⁓ pick. ⁓ I could honestly care less. Like at that point in time. So it's... But then I'm like, ⁓ I'm gonna make some bacon. ⁓ gonna... ⁓ when you're being spiteful because ⁓ know I don't like bacon so you're gonna purposely make bacon. I don't like it. But you've never done that, so I don't know why you're saying that now. you've never done that. It's when I go to a fast food restaurant that I always get to order on. No, not really at McDonald's though, but I try to go somewhere a little sonic I haven't gotten your order right twice. ⁓ two times I went to Sonic. So I got plain hot dogs, so there's no sauce in there. And then I got a Loaded hot dog. I would rather you get a plain hot dog because we have ketchup. Yeah, but it was we went to your friend's son's baseball game. So there wasn't any sauce. No. there was sauce in the concessions. there wasn't. didn't have concessions. Yeah, they did. At a concession stand. No, they didn't. At the ballpark. It was on the back side. ⁓ the one that's not like connected to the really old school where the bathrooms are? That was ⁓ other day ⁓ I got you Sonic, yes. Yeah, no, no, no, no, the concession stand was not... Yeah, that was not the one at the nice fields. Yeah, it was the one that was the old castles. I was like, dude, was there a concession stand? Because I would have gone. ⁓ But they didn't have one, like the bathrooms weren't even there. You to go all the way like somewhere else just to go to the bathroom. So that's what I was like, what are you talking about? Well, another thing, I also, it also seems like I have a lot more hours in the day because I get home so early. Yeah. Well, yeah, and I think that's also where I see it too is like. You have the time to kind of think about things. And clean the house or... Well, I like to help you clean the house. It's not that I you to do it. It's not like I'm always cleaning the house by myself. I mean, I like to help you, but if you do it before I get home, great. That's one thing off of both of our plates for the weekend. But also, it's main, like in my mind, it's taking a load off of me because I'm like, okay, the one that has to like remember, okay, here are the things we have to do. These are the things that need to get done in the And also sometimes you stay past five. ⁓ Yeah, very true. I do. is a you have, especially if don't get paid for it. ⁓ It's a boundary where you should say no, that's your free time. slaves. slaves. in the So another one is digital boundaries. Examples are ⁓ not instantly, limiting media, and turning off. because you know don't have to and I'm I prone to as soon as I see a notification I have to click it to get rid of it it shouldn't should just turn off all my notifications and then that won't happen where I'm like constantly looking at my phone which to see if I've gotten a notification to make sure that it's cleared out like that's crazy and people take time to respond to you, you can take time to respond to them. You don't have to answer them immediately. I always try to answer in a timely manner like as soon as I can because she usually answers me immediately though. Well yeah I usually answer everyone immediately because I don't want it them to think that I'm not gonna answer and also sometimes I might forget to answer I don't. ⁓ that's thing. know because digital with ⁓ you get a addiction you are more to always be available you know be available someone calls when someone texts like making yourself always available ⁓ when you can just Lock your phone, put it down, and then go out and spend time and not feel like you constantly have to be on your phone. And then there is the physical boundaries, which I think you were more... discussing on earlier is like unwanted touch, people showing up unannounced and needing alone time. Like it's your personal space. were more focused. I think that's what you were mainly talking about when I asked you what you ⁓ I was going to, I said that was one. And then I said some long ones, what you said or things. Yeah, ⁓ needing alone time. think also in relationships, needing alone time is healthy. It is terrible to take space sometimes each other. We love being around other. We do? I do. Yes, of course we love being around each other. Oh, okay. Well, if you didn't love being around me, you can say something. This is free open space. Did you not hear the sarcasm in my voice when I said that? Golly, woman. That's I don't think anyone's gonna be able to tell you're sarcastic. Your sarcasm. Well. It's hard to At least my family will understand my sarcasm. because they've been around me for 28 years, so. Yes. I've only been around you for a year, okay? Give me some here. I a feeling it was sarcasm, but also, ⁓ I want you to feel like you- Also, if you spent any time around, shout out my Uncle Robert, then you would understand the sarcasm. It's not... I understood that there might have been some sarcastic tone, but sometimes people use sarcasm... Or any of future boys... uncles over there too. Sorry. Sorry for interrupting you. I've done it twice now. I'm sorry. I love you. Go. love you too. Sometimes use ⁓ sarcastic to actually how they truly are feeling. Have I ever that? I don't know. Have I? Sometimes you do, depending on what it is. I can't remember scenarios. more playfully than you do not playfully, but the other experiences that I've had with people, it more of an underlining tone. ⁓ So always double check with you. That's why every time you're sarcastic and I say, you you say I'm like, well, we don't really have to, like, we don't have to do that. The reason I say that is because I truly want you to be able to express and tell me if you're uncomfortable or if you don't like something. And I would tell you... I don't want to do it if it was actually the case. Some people do it just to be nice. When have I ever done that? I'm not saying you've done that. I'm just saying other people in the world like... know, keep in mind those are the experiences that I've had. So trying to make sure that it's... not that way with you. have to double, I have to double ask because I want to make sure that you're not just, you're not just doing it because I want you to do it. You're not just do, I want you to thoroughly want to do something like and not be me where I do things that I don't want to do and I get frustrated and you hear me complain about it because I'm like, I didn't want to go do this but now I've got to go do this and da da da da. And you know, don't like, just want you to feel that way. that's why I asked that's why I double asked. so we have conversational boundaries and ⁓ this more of conversations you will or won't engage in it's not you ⁓ that we're trying to think of, but it's, it's you controlling how you respond in a conversation or if you'll even continue a conversation. So let's say back to the person sticks respecting you. It happens again. This person then tells this person, which then comes to tell you, you say, Okay, thank you that that's the end of it you don't engage anymore and you just completely it down ⁓ again might think you're rude and Because goes goes back to they can get over ⁓ yeah, and then to ⁓ let's say ⁓ want to gossip ⁓ about people You ⁓ that is a conversation that you won't engage in. say, if want to discuss this, will need to find someone else because I do engage in this. And leaving heated Okay, ⁓ so ⁓ next is... So those are all of your boundaries. So the next portion is why people hate your boundaries. benefit from your lack of boundaries. You have to understand that. So people the most when you ⁓ have, I ⁓ you really respect yourself to have these boundaries or you're not willing to give yourself the the confidence in like setting a boundary then help yourself be mentally and not caring than what ⁓ you need. when you ⁓ no to someone and you see them up and they start getting very aggravated, it's because you have now kind of cut that not gonna do this anymore. And lost ⁓ their, control, they've lost being able to ⁓ use you the way that they could before. ⁓ So an example, someone an only child, their mom them when were really young, so they are like at hip basically. When the child then starts becoming own person, but it's also the influence of someone who's already an adult trying to guide them into being an adult themselves. The ⁓ that is not getting, ⁓ that's told no, that all things are changing, they're going to lash out and get upset. though you're doing basic human adult ⁓ things of growing. So times when you stop over explaining and you stop people pleasing when you start just saying no and no being no Not into detail not telling them why you can't do it to try to maybe make arrangements for something else or to do something Different. ⁓ like don't know. But that people People, not all people react negatively, but a good chunk of them can react negatively and you kind of have to prepare yourself for that. And that's where the conflict comes in is, you're going to have that conflict of after set a boundary. So the who upset about your boundaries were often benefiting from you not having any. if decide to set a boundary like I'm gonna no to things on Sundays and you know the like I don't that time is specifically just to be for me and you ⁓ to be together in our enjoying each other because that's our to be together because working all the other times If you start telling people no... after that like and in many school things like I'm not saying say no to everything yeah but saying no to things that aren't meaningful to you and meaningful in your life to like help either impact your life for the greater or that you know makes you feel like you're doing something good or that you're gonna benefit purely out of If those people start getting angry because you're saying no, was... They using you ⁓ in my That's just a opinion. Because ⁓ either they guilting ⁓ into doing those things manipulating you. Because guilt and manipulation go hand in hand. I don't feel like you can have one without the other most manipulation is used guilt tripping you or ⁓ you doing something that you don't want to do but ⁓ you feel guilty ⁓ because of person's gonna be upset, ⁓ that person's be sad, that person is gonna be mad or however gonna react. is guilting you and that's a form of manipulation. Now, keep in mind, might not know that they are guilt tripping you. ⁓ are some times where people have, ⁓ know, said things and didn't realize the significance of their words ⁓ after the fact. That can happen. And you can express in saying, hey, I like... you are coming at this and they kind of hate trying to get me to do this after I've already said no. If they said, ⁓ no, that's not how I was presenting it, if you can have a conversation, great. Then that person is actually a genuine person and wasn't trying to guilt you or manipulate you. ⁓ That mean anything. ⁓ There could be a comment saying, you've changed. I've gotten... I've gotten a few of those like ⁓ when 2020 when happened and people did those drive by birthdays? Yeah. ⁓ So ⁓ someone does not like unwanted attention. So I don't people, you know, looking out at me or I don't want that's unwanted. ⁓ Does that make sense? Do you know what that means? Unwanted attention? Yeah. So like if someone honks their- or if you were to honk your horn in the street and everybody stares at our car, that's unwanted attention. Yeah, I know that. Yeah, that's what I wouldn't want. So... If she wants to get on the kiss cam and jump on her own, huh? That's different. That's part of the thing, but that's never gonna happen. So she is she always says these things I did get on the jumbo tron. I got on the jumbo tron three times in the braves game once you remember me getting on the jumbo tron. Yeah With mom and rob. Yeah That's pretty cool. It was pretty cool. It was only for a second. So, in 2020, they doing the birthday drive-bys and honking horns and all that for your birthday. got one for when I came home from the mission. They broke by house. And honked and everything? No, they didn't. Okay, for me, that is my ⁓ literal nightmare. do not ever do that because... I feel like everyone's gonna be staring at me. I felt so uncomfortable because it was gonna cause all of this attention from the neighbors who I don't know. So now we need another outbreak or something to drive by your house next April. No. by your house next April? No. Please don't. I will, I will cringe. It's literally my worst nightmare. Truly. Like, I... So, my friends wanted to do that. I did not want that at all. they did it anyways. No, they didn't do it. So she set the boundary. No, I ghosted them. I didn't talk to them. ⁓ I barely spoke any words to them and they told me that I've changed and I'm a different person and I don't even do this anymore and they were like, we were just trying to do something nice for you. they even messaged my boyfriend saying ⁓ we all of this plan and she won't even say anything to us and ⁓ because was avoiding the conflict of telling them ⁓ because they they had done it for other people. I didn't participate in it because I had been in an accident. So, um, I couldn't participate in it. I didn't have a phone or I didn't have a car. I didn't have a car to be able to drive that far to where they were because they were like in Marietta. And so I didn't have a way to get over there. Yeah. Like I could have used my mom's but I was either working or like there were other conflicts that I just couldn't do it. Yeah. And so I didn't want that. And they reached out to the guy who was dating asking you, know, we want to do this for Susan and he was with me and I was like, hey, you say something like you say yeah her mom's gonna make her cupcakes and i think that's kind all she really wants is you than like you know trying to hint at them that ⁓ wasn't something i wanted what'd they say back well So because I didn't respond and then my mom had made cupcakes for me to go and share with my family. So I went and I dropped one off at my sister's house, my grandmother's house. You know, I dropped it off at everyone that was, that was. I just did a, I dropped off a cupcake and then left so that they could open their door and get the cupcake because it was COVID. there this girl that was somewhat part the group. ⁓ She had falling out with another female. They had a falling out and that was a whole ordeal. And I didn't choose a side between them. I was being friends with both of them. Yeah. And so I guess it was also because I didn't take a side that this was very for them. She well, she to. Not even three minutes from my sister's I had an extra ⁓ I said, hey, I'm going to stop by and give you this cupcake. Got an extra one. stopped by. ⁓ said, ⁓ I'll come to the driveway and hang out with you. OK, ⁓ Cool. a on Snapchat, posted it. That the end. That was the end. was kicked out of the group chat. They blocked me. They don't to me at I apologize. I didn't feel like I did anything wrong because they were in Dallas and Marietta. I was going to be anywhere near there, yes, would have taken them a cupcake. Yeah. But I I was in Kennesaw, which ⁓ isn't far Marietta, but ⁓ we're talking four five exits from Wade Green. Like. Pass Barrett. You're getting towards Six Flags. Were you living in Kennesaw at the time? No, I was living in Cartersville. Because I was in my parents' house. That's a little bit longer. Yeah, I would even be longer and I did that at night. You know, it was like 9 o'clock at night when I got to her house. When I finished dropping off in Cartersville because I had dinner with my family and then I drove. But... You still talk to that girl that you get to know her? I'm friends with her on Facebook but we don't talk. So when I tried to reach out to one of them about what happened and what I did, they were like, you've changed, you've become a different person. You know, just because you gave a cupcake to this girl. Yes, because they saw it as me choosing her over them because they're like, we had this whole plan to come by and see her for her own birthday. She didn't even want us, but she went and saw the other person. Now, yes, I can see how it looks that way. Yeah. that was never my intention. I didn't feel comfortable having a big bash and I didn't have comfortable ⁓ with the cars coming by and... But I still friends with both of them. ⁓ Like, I... clearly anymore. No. ⁓ Well, and wasn't to get in between their drama. Like, I was trying to stay out of it. I was staying the little person. ⁓ I listened to both them vent to me. And I just was trying to stay Switzerland neutral, which is another reason why I'm not a big fan of friends. You notice how I don't have very many female friends? Because were four girls, all friends a group. And then there drama between two of them. And went downhill from But yeah, I've gotten the you've changed message for sure. And also it goes along with toxic friendships. Yeah. Like that's how you kind of can tell that you have toxic. And I. I reached out, she sent this message to me. I then. Like. Well, they kicked me out and I think it had been a few months. They've been a few months, maybe even a year, and I reached out and I was like, wanted that friendship. I never wanted to lose the rest of group. Yeah. But because I showed favoritism to one person, even though They didn't have the full story and even after I told them the full story that didn't matter to them. And so that's like, it's kind of sad but at the same time again, everybody makes mistakes. Everybody. That was those days. Everybody knows what I'm talking about. Everybody knows that way. But no person is human. I'm not saying we're No person is human? is human ⁓ I'm gonna make some mistakes. ⁓ the other way around. Yes. Sorry I nobody's a perfect human to say everyone. ⁓ No is no perfect except for man His name starts with a J JC? so just like not, you're gonna someone's true intentions ⁓ all the time I feel like a chance is deserving. ⁓ Yeah. at least two chances when after that you gotta you have to set a boundary and call a time of like hey this is unacceptable for me if you keep this up it's kind of like that like when you say hey this is something that makes me uncomfortable You know, if you continue to have this, maybe it's foul language. If you keep using foul language, I'll have to distance myself. Yeah. Because I don't want to be around that. Because you're your... Boundary. ⁓ Because yours. Yeah. You're not the person, you can never say a swear word ever again. You're saying, hey, please don't do it ⁓ near me. Yeah, my sister had boundaries with people ⁓ up. ⁓ Or set boundary. ⁓ about being around certain people. Yeah. And it's hard because some of those people can be really funny, really awesome people. Yeah. And they just, just have one thing. And you can tell that someone is a true person if they really try to make that change for you. Yeah. Like, when they're around other people, ⁓ do you please. But if make that change to show you that they're, they want to have you in their space, ⁓ That's a really, really big thing. here are some really big signs that you need better boundaries. Constant I'm right Party of one. Right here, I feel like I'm constantly burnt out. And it mainly has to do with my work boundaries, because I have none. Because I don't feel like I can have any boundaries. I don't feel like I can say no at my job. even got complimented on it. She says no. I just like I can't. If I do, does that make look? You know, they're gonna think I'm not a team player or they're like... ⁓ don't want to say no because I could lose my job ⁓ I need my job. When have resentment, when you anxiety before answering messages, feeling drained after difficulty saying no, over ⁓ and feeling resting. So If three of those sounded anything like what you're experiencing, might have been a good episode for you to learn about boundaries and that ⁓ more for you. It's ⁓ for ⁓ It's boundary. Yeah, never thought it that way. Like when someone you about their boundary, think, they're just, I don't But it truly is for your sanity and for you not to get burnt out, for you not to over, over commit yourself. And it's okay to say no, or it's okay to say, hey, we're gonna push this back further. Like I'm fine with that. I would rather someone get to me later on in life than, than now. Like, especially like, unless it's like an emergency, okay? Yeah. In emergency and dire situations, it's a little bit different. But if I'm asking Jonah to do something for me, that is not anything of an emergency, it's not something of our daily chores, it's like, let's say it's cleaning up the backyard or reorganizing. Honestly that can wait for months. It is not gonna kill me if we have to wait months for it to get done it'll get done when both have the time or when he has the time ⁓ and he's mentally capable of Contributing that ⁓ to that I'm okay waiting things like that I don't have to be an immediate, yeah, we gotta get this done. I I've never ⁓ felt I'm that kind of person. I don't There's certain things I like done before company comes over, but it's more of things than outside things. we do wanna actually clean backyard. ⁓ That's one of our things we want to get done. But I'm okay. No one's going out there. Except for the dog. Except for the dog. one is going out looking at our yard constantly. You people come over to peer out into our yard. That's fine. ⁓ But not like we have kids that want to go play out in the backyard ⁓ or like that. ⁓ And for right now, to me... it can stay like that and I'm fine with it. Yeah. ⁓ is how to actually set boundaries. So identify problem. ⁓ What is that keeps draining you? The second be direct, clear. It's more than nice. Like be clear. Don't be nice. Like can. ⁓ Do it in a nice way, but make sure you are clear setting your boundary. Don't Some examples is, I'm unavailable. I'm discussing that. can't do that. You be very direct, very Step three, stop over explaining. Over explaining comes from guilt. ⁓ or fear or wanting permission to say no. no is a complete sentence, but ⁓ of us turn it into a TED talk. But it be just strictly no. Yeah. No, can't do that. ⁓ No, I'm discussing that. No, I need space. ⁓ No, I'm And four, be consistent. People will test those Like I said, don't backpedal. they will say, maybe just this once, or you're constantly changing. Now, if you are constantly changing the boundary, like you ⁓ it's this, but then you change it, that's not being consistent, and then you're kind of manipulating boundaries, ⁓ you're not it in a very healthy way, ⁓ because you use this ⁓ in a way. People can always use it for ill purposes. you can say that, I'm setting a boundary, I'm being healthy. When you're changing it, that's not really being healthy and setting like healthy boundary, that's just, that's using sort of manipulation. And it can, you're gonna on very fine there. So healthy versus unhealthy boundaries. And I think this is our last one. So a healthy ⁓ is ⁓ ⁓ clear, and constant. Unhealthy ⁓ weak or too which we talked about those ones before. They should protect relationships, not destroy them overall. like boundaries aren't about pushing people away, they're about creating relationships where respect exists on both sides. is the main purpose of a boundary. A is not meant to be ⁓ used a is not meant to be crossed. It's a great way to put that. Yeah. I'm not saying people just need to immediately like throw boundaries everywhere. Yeah, don't start throwing boundaries everywhere. No really If you are a value way, yeah, if you're a prayerful person pray about it And and like if you just like think with it Before you just do it. Yeah really think about the boundary and exactly is it is ⁓ what it will give you if you set it that boundary ⁓ it gonna give you maybe more more space more time Or it gonna make you feel less overwhelmed like ⁓ what it gonna do for you? Because again boundary is yours It's not to other people. It's to control what you can control Well put. ⁓ you feel like you learned something today? Yeah. Yeah? definitely. You gonna setting some boundaries? definitely work on it. food in the bed. blank. I'm kidding. ⁓ That's rule. The way that I said it would be a rule, not a boundary. Yeah. It would be, I don't want to sleep in the bed if you're going to bring food in it. Yeah. That's a boundary. So if you bring food in the bed, I will not be sleeping there because I set that boundary that I don't want to sleep. But I don't care about food in the bed. I eat all the time. In my bed, in I bring her food when she's home and goes to the bathroom and then just gets in bed. And I'm like, where'd she go? And then I'm like, oh, she's probably laying down. Yeah, because I need to lay down sitting day in those uncomfortable chairs. It's it's been really killing my back. My lower is is hurting ⁓ my my is it? bone your butt. The Sure. Is that the right word? I think so. I don't know. Your butt bone? Yeah, my butt bone. Yeah. That's been hurting out the wazoo recently. I don't know why, but it's been bad. So. No? I just need to... Well, thanks for tuning in to this episode. Need to lay down sometimes. Yeah, thanks guys. Sorry it was a... a little bit of a longer one this week. Yeah, it was a long one. After editing we'll take it down 20 minutes. 20 minutes of it. Yeah, editing will probably take it down to probably an hour. But yeah, I just I wanted a more informational one. There was a different version of it where it was just talking about it, but I wanted more because I knew Jonah didn't really have anything really to say ⁓ have any examples per of boundary or anything like that. ⁓ Not that hasn't set boundaries, but that I didn't think he was going to have anything that they were kind of asking. asking me to ask questions about. I did make this more informative ⁓ that it could be like, hey, you a lesson, a lesson learning. But yeah, so. know you guys learned something new today. Just, set boundaries. ⁓ and great relationships with your family and friends. Yeah. be nice and be Be nice, be loving, we'll see next week. Okay, bye guys. ⁓