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The Ex Factor · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Are exes, there's always that one, you know, the one
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: who hangs around who still wants to be friends but
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: all they do is cause problems, create trust issues and
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: make you super
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: anxious.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: They had this friendship that was really oddly co-dependent, like, yeah,
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: still sharing the dogs, um, but also, you know, hanging
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: out in very similar social circumstances.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: That's Bec. She knows what I'm talking about. She's got
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: big ex issues because here, I'm not even describing her ex.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: Don't worry, we'll get to him. But I mean his ex.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: She was one of those ones that were like, oh yeah,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: I'm really good friends with my ex. There's nothing weird
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: about it. I could totally give you goss and him
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: when we were together, blah, blah blah. There's always that
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: one ex who just doesn't quite sit right with you.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Most of the time you know you're overthinking it, there's
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: absolutely nothing to worry about. You're an ex for a reason, right?
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: But sometimes, just sometimes, your spidey senses are bang on.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: I realized after 6.5 years, I had no idea who
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: this human I was living with was.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love,
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: and this is Everyone Has an X. Come with me
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: as we dive into a collection of unconventional stories about
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: relationships past through the eyes and the hearts of the
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: very people who lived them. And just a language warning
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: for this episode around any little ears.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Beck was 33 and single when she found herself feeling
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: a little lonely. All her friends had partners, were getting
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: married and having babies, and she was single and still
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: wanting to go out, have fun, and meet new people.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: I was at a point in my life where most
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: of my closest friends were in relationships. So through a
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: girl that I worked with, we went out one night,
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: we met some other girls, and, um, just kind of
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: struck up fast friends with a group of girls who,
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: We're still out on Saturday nights and having fun and,
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: you know, they were kind of bubblegum mates in some ways,
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: but I kind of figured pretty harmless.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: They had a fab time drinking and dancing. They weren't
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: Beck's usual type of friends, but they were single and fun.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: And that's exactly what she was after at that point
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: in her life.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: They were in their 30s as well, pretty high disposable incomes,
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: possibly partying a wee bit too hard, possibly sleeping with
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: a few too many of each other's exes or recent flings,
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: or just a whole bunch of people living in apartment
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: buildings way too close to each other, drinking way too
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: much too often. You know, good fun to go out
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: with on Saturday night, but maybe, maybe not your, your
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: best mates.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: One of those girls was Emily.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Emily was divorced, but had a little bit of a
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: weird relationship with her ex-husband.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: One day I was like, Oh, come and come and
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: meet my dogs. And I'm a massive dog lover. So
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: I was very excited to meet a chocky lab and
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: a golden retriever, and I was like, Oh my God.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: And then in the middle of meeting the dogs, we're
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: in this house, and, uh, I'm like, Oh, I really
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: like
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: your
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: house. And she's like, Oh, no, no, no, this is
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: my ex's house. And I'm like, What?
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: What am I doing here? And she's like, Oh, no, no, no.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: He and I are still friends. Like, it's fine. Like, if,
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: if I don't meet anyone better, I'm just gonna go
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: back to him. And I remember thinking at the time, Jesus,
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: you're an interesting person. The
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: ex-husband was Mick. And without knowing anything else about him,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: his surname or even what he looked like, Beck immediately
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: felt for him.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: Always stuck with me. I just always thought, this poor guy.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: I guess I just thought,
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: What an incredibly disrespectful way to treat someone that you've
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: ever been close to. So I guess I kind of,
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: in a way, I felt for him before I'd ever
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: even met him, um, as in felt sorry for him effectively.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: Now, Emily wasn't exaggerating when she said they were still friends.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: She didn't speak about him heaps but saw him a lot.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: He even still hung out with her and her friendship
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: group all the
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: time.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: I don't think I knew much. I knew they'd been.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: Separated slash divorced for a chunk of time, she was
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: very much happily moving on and seeing the men and
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: da da da, um,
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: I guess what I, what I mostly understood was that
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: they had this friendship that was really oddly co-dependent. Like, yeah,
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: still sharing the dogs, um, but also, you know, hanging
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: out in very similar social circumstances. These sorts of stories about, um,
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: you know, horrible things that she said to women that
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: he'd attempted to date or whatever. Um,
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: And so I understood that whatever it was between them, like,
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: was long enough ago that I guess you were comfortable
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: to be social with one another, but I don't think
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: I invested in it all that hard, to be honest.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: And given Beck was hanging out in the same group
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: now too, it didn't take long for them to meet.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: So I met Mick, probably, I guess a couple of
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: months after I first met Emily. Um, I think I
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: might have been at the pub with him one night,
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: the same, like, one night in between those times, but
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: without ever properly meeting. Uh, the night I met him,
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: we were at the vineyard in St Kilda. I popped
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: out for a cigarette. I was smoking at the time,
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: and I noticed that he sort of came out with me,
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, Oh, you're paying a bit of attention.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: And then when we sat down, he said, Oh, can
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: I ask you a really direct question? And I'm like, Sure, man, like,
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: I'm pretty direct. He goes, Oh, what do you think
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: of my relationship with my ex-wife? And I said, Well,
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: I think it's fucked up and unhealthy.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: So there's a truth bomb if there ever was one.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: And he loved it. He loved that she was direct
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: and saw through what might have been seen as a
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: little bit of weirdness between him and Emily. They kept
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: chatting all night and got along really, really well.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: When he got up to leave, he bashed me in
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: front of everyone, and I was kind of like, Whoa.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: That was impressive.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Like, it was a pretty bold move given not just, uh,
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: you know, the 10 people we were there with were there,
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: but one of them, including his ex-wife. Um, so I
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: kind of, uh, wasn't that surprised when he sent me
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: a text later the same night asking me out.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: She was pretty excited. It had been a while since
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: she'd met someone she got along with so well and
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: who she was genuinely keen to see again and get
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: to know. But Emily was her friend first, and
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: Beck was well versed in girl code.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: So I thought, I'll do the right thing, and I
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: flicked her a quick texty during the week on Facebook.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: I don't even think we had each other's phone numbers
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: at that time, um, being like, Hey, you know, probably
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: you already know this, but I just wanted to suss
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: out that it was all cool with you. You know,
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: Mick's asked me out for dinner.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: And she was like, oh my god, yeah, of course,
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: you two would be amazing together, but you, you know,
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: go for it.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: So they did. Their first date was dinner at a
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: restaurant in the city. They talked, laughed, ate, drank, and
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: picked up where they left off after that very first
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: night at the.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: From there things just went on a pretty natural trajectory.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: They'd see each other a couple of nights a week,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: text and talk on the phone. In the space of
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: a couple of weeks, they were officially a couple. They
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: couldn't have been happier with how things were moving along
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: with Mick.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: Until one night out of nowhere.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: It was Emily.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: Lose 30 kg if you want a chance of keeping
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: up with me. Until then you're nothing but a fat
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: bitch that will never do better than my slops.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: I think then I knew we had a bit of
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: a problem.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: While it had come out of nowhere, Beck wasn't totally surprised.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: She'd been more surprised when Emily had said it was
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: cool all those weeks ago.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: But what did surprise her was mixed reaction, or lack thereof.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: It never sat with me that he didn't really jump
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: to my defense. It was a whole lot of, Oh, Becky,
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: that's just M being M, and you've gotta understand this, that,
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: and you've gotta, you know, she just this, that, you know,
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, Nah, grass green, water wet, that'd be crazy. Like,
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: that'd not be cool.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: They had a huge fight about it, but in the end,
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: Beck's love, forgiveness, and understanding prevailed.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: And in turn, it kind of made her want to
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: be with him even more.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: I understood that their relationship was co-dependent and unhealthy, and,
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: and really felt that he'd kind of been brainwashed by
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: this manipulative. She's a very intelligent, emotionally intelligent, um, and
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: mentally intelligent person. So I just sort of thought that
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: he'd just effectively been pretty brainwashed, and he was just,
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: I just thought, it just really,
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: Would deserve someone that was gonna take care of him
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: and fucking back him and, you know, love him, and,
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: and for some reason I felt like that was gonna
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: be me. Um, and so I kind of endured imperfect behavior, um,
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: in that,
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: Context that he'd been living in this really emotionally messed
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: up space for quite a long time and had kind
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: of lost due north of how people could and couldn't
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: treat him, and so therefore as an extension of that,
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: how people could and couldn't treat me.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: The messages kept coming, but Beck just ignored them. She
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: was in her mid-thirties, she didn't want or need the
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: mean girls drama.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: She'd only known this girl a couple of months anyway.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Having Mick was a much higher priority than losing Emily.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: We spent less time with that larger friendship group, um,
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: and more time together, which of course when you're new
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: together with someone is, is lovely, you know, so take
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: me down the coast for surf weekends and, you know, like.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I met his friends and they're all like, telling
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: me how much he doesn't shut up gushing about how
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: amazing I'm I am, and his friends would be like,
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: you know, Mick just deserves a woman like you, and
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: so great to meet you. And I knew that these
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: friends hadn't liked her at all. And so, you know, he's,
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: I'm getting character references here. I'm like, No, no, I'm
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: doing the right thing. This is a really solid guy. And, um,
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: I just have to kind of weather this initial storm
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: a bit, and
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: That's how it's gonna go. And
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: that's how it did go. They spent more and more
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: time together, met each other's families, the conversation was great,
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: the sex was great. They just had
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: fun.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: He was my first boyfriend, so it was all really
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: novel for me.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: The only thing stopping this blossoming time in their relationship
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: being absolutely perfect, you guessed it, Emily.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: He was still catching up with her as a friend.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: I was having to explain to him that that was
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: all sorts of wrong. She still had a key to
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: the house because of, because of the dogs. I didn't
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: even have a key to the house. She would have
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: massive dramatic flare-ups and he would have to settle her
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: down and make sure she was OK. So, there was
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: a particular evening when he and I were together, when,
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: you know, we'd probably been
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: Out for a lovely night, come home, you know, gone
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: to bed, etc. etc. Middle of the night, we're well
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: and truly asleep, and she calls cause she can't get
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: a taxi, and then she's scared, so she has to
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: ring him. So he comes and leaves me in his
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: bed and goes to get her. That to me is
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: a pretty inappropriate thing to do on both of their accounts.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: Fighting about Emily became a constant theme of their relationship.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: She'd call, he'd go running, Beck would crack it, he'd
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: apologize and then it would all happen again. He'd say
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: he felt a responsibility to make sure Emily was OK.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: And Becky was a healer. She wanted to help and
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: fix this guy who'd been so damaged by his ex.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: I don't exactly remember why or how I got over it,
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: but I was just like, I guess I'd just become
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: conditioned to the crazy. Like, it was literally almost
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: constant.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: Now, Emily wasn't the only thing they had to navigate
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: in those first few months. While Beck was only 33,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Mick was 10 years older than her, and he'd been
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: married before. His life experience meant he knew exactly what
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: he did and didn't want for future relationships.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: I think it was like our 2nd or 3rd date
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: that Mick said to me he didn't want to get
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: married ever again.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: Um, and then he said, and I, he didn't say
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: I don't want to have kids, he said, um, and
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: I have had a vasectomy.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: This rattled Beck, the marriage part she could handle, it
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: was commitment that she wanted, she didn't really care about
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: the piece of paper.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: But the kids' bit was different. She wasn't desperate to
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: be a mom, but she had still always thought that
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: that time would come.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: The first time I ever thought about what sort of
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: a mother I would be, my friend who lives in
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: Holland when I was living in Amsterdam, he just turned
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: around to me at ridiculous o'clock one night and he goes,
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: Do you know what I love about you? Like, I
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: look at you and I can just see the mom
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: you're gonna.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: Like, you're gonna be you, but you're gonna be a mom.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: And it was like the most beautiful thing, and I
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: had literally never thought about that until he said it
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: to me that night.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: So it was a big deal when the person she
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: loved and saw a future with said kids were off
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: the carts. They were only about 6 months into their relationship,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: but she knew how she felt about him.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: She certainly wouldn't have put up with all the Emily
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: drama if she didn't want to be with this man,
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: but there's no doubt it put a spanner in the works.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: So they took a week's break. Beck wanted to be
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: on her own to think about whether or not this
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: was a deal breaker.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: So we had this week apart, um, and, you know,
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: I did a whole bunch of yoga and I went
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: down the coast and kind of talked to people about
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: it and
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: I don't remember exactly how the coming back together happened,
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: but there was a coming back together and he had
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: written me a bunch of letters during that week about
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: wanting to be with me and how much he'd missed
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: me and how horrific this week of being apart and
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: making him realize how much he wanted to be with me, etc. etc.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: But it didn't matter what he'd said after that week apart.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Beck's mind was already made up.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: And I was just like, No, I'd rather have you.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: I'd rather have you than children.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: And that changed everything. It not only gave both Bec
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: and Mick confidence in their relationship and solidified their future,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: it gave Bec the strength to finally give Mick an ultimatum.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: It's me, or
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: Emily. She's gotta go. This, I told you she was
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: toxic all along, she's gotta go. So he changed the lot.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: He put all of her stuff outside his house, messaged her,
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: being like, anything that's still in the house, at the
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: front's going to the salvos. At the time, I think
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: it was the week apart, and I think perhaps that
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: breaking up with me about the children and then me
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: coming back, I think he carried a lot of guilt
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: that he was somehow going to deprive me of some, um,
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: Life experience that was going to be unethical and immoral
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: to deprive me of. Um, and so when I took
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: considered thought for a week, and he had to live for,
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: you know, a week thinking he might have lost me,
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: coming back together where I made that decision, and I
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: think that was probably one of the things that gave
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: him the strength to, to do that and be willing
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: to proper cut ties.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: She was gone, finally, and the cherry on top, Emily
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: moved to the United States. Pop the champagne. For the
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: first time in their relationship, it was just Mick and Beck,
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: and it was glorious.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: It was the first time he told me he loved me,
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: we updated our Facebook status, it was a whole thing.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: And I was like, well, 6 months in this game
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: for the rest of your life with somebody, you know,
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: it's a bit of a bit of a rocky start, but,
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: OK, we got there, right? And it felt really good.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: I was so happy, and I, I moved in not
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: too long after that. So I was living in his
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: house down by the beach, and we're just hanging out, and, um,
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: I think eventually his housemate even moved out, which is
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: just like triple bliss, and I changed jobs, and I
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: changed jobs so that we could save up to buy
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: a house, and, um,
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was just, you know, everybody, I was so
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: loved up.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: It went on like this for another 6 months. They'd
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: go to the gym together every morning, take the dogs
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: for walks along the beach, have dinner parties for their friends,
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: their live bands together, even bought a house, further solidifying
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: their commitment to each other and creating their own beautiful
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: life together. Nothing could have made it any better. But
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: you sure as hell know one thing could have made
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: it worse.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: Emily was back.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: But one of the girls that I still was in
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: touch with got an invite to her housewarming party, and
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: it was in an apartment literally across the road from
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: our house.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: You've got to be kidding.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: Above the IGA next door to the pub where we
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: hung out every night, where I got off my tram
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: every day.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: Um, and I was like, Oh, this is cool.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: Now this was serious cause for a breakdown, or at
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: the very least a complete freak out. Not only did
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: she have to see him everywhere, rumors started to
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: flow.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: We'd see them at the pub, you drunken fools, like
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: this barfly idiots that thought they got to have an
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: opinion on my life, pulling me aside, being like,
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: Well, pulling him aside in front of me, being like,
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: So how are you going? Like, uh, playing the two
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: girls at once, you know, how's that working out for you?
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: And I'd heard it all so many times by then
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: that I'd just pick up my drink and go, like,
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: I'm going outside for a cigarette, man, I don't need this, like,
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: and so it was, it was constant. It was just horrific.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: One night we're at the pub.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: And the girl who I had previously been friends with, um,
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: who lived with Emily now, um, was like, you've got
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: to leave the pub because I'm not gonna support, E
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: in doing what she's gonna do, and I get these
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: dramatic texts about, you know,
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: I've always said that the two of you deserve better
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: and all this stuff. I just, ah, dramatic speak about
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: stuff.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: Once again, their relationship was put to the test.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: You can imagine how many conversations he and I had.
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: I was just like, this is really upsetting. And he'd
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: be like, Oh, Becky, if you really trusted me. And
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: I was like, Clearly I really trust you. I'm with you.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: But
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: You know, these are the, these are the, the parameters.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: If you see her at the pub, you're not to
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: fucking talk to her, man. Like, if you like, you know,
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: and he would be like, Oh, I'll just say hi. No,
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: you won't. You'll just go. You'll just leave right now,
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: because I can't be there every time looking at what
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: you're doing, and I can't cope with the fact that
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: she can be as close as she is in proximity
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: and thinking that you guys are gonna like be all
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: hanging outy.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: Behind my back. So I was really, really clear on
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: my expectations on how much that they couldn't communicate, and
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: he was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, we
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: spoke about it a lot, right? And whenever push came
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: to shove and I would kind of confess to him
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: that I was having a really bad week with stress
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: and uh seeing her face on strangers in the street
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: and
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: Like, oh, there were days that I got on the
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: train and tram and literally nearly accidentally sat next to her. Like,
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: it was so bizarre. So we had a number of
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: conversations and quite often he'd turn around to me and
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: be like, Becky, you know, I love you, and if
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: you really trusted me, we wouldn't be having this conversation,
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: and rah rah rah rah, and, you know, kind of
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: putting it back on me. And so then that is,
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: you know, a really disempowering conversation to have. That makes
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: you then turn around and be the reassurer.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: And be like, No, dear, I do love you and
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: I do trust you.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: This was Beck's life now, her new normal. He swore
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: the silly rumors were all white noise, gossip, bored, bitchy
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: girls being bored bitchy girls. He couldn't help that she
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: was around. It's where she lived. He swore he wouldn't
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: speak to her. And Beck believed him.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: I loved him ferociously.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: They decided to go to couples counseling. They'd invested 4
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: years into this relationship and both wanted to make it work,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: but there were unresolved issues and trust issues that no
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: matter how happy they were, they just couldn't seem to shake.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Enter the professionals. And it really, really
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: helped.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: So we went back over.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: You know, the decision to not have children, we discussed, um,
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: you know, everything from our sex life to how we
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: related to one another, to, you know, becoming,
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Better at communicating. Yeah, it was during those, um, sessions
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: where we just
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: We were talking about, well, what will it take you,
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: you know, for you guys to know that you really
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: want to be together forever, and what would that look like? And, um,
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I think it just came up in that sort of a,
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: a hypothetical context. And one day we went down the
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: waterfront here and we were having a beer and we
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: were talking about what it would look like in a
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: really nice sort of hypothetical way. We were talking about, OK,
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: you don't want to get married, but, you know, what
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: does that mean and what does that look like? And
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: So we started talking about this concept of not getting
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: married and having a, just a fuck off party with
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: all of our mates and just a, a night that
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: was exactly what we wanted, and it didn't prescribe to
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: any religious or traditional or governmental or familial, you know, norms.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: We could just blank slate it, come up with our
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: own thing.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: So if you're not
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Getting married, do you then not get engaged? Oh, hell no.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: If she wasn't getting a wedding or babies, she was
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: sure as hell gonna make sure she got a
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: ring.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: Mick had told me there was this particular Tuesday that
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: he was taking me out. Who knows what you have
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: to propose on a fucking Tuesday. Like, how inconvenient. Anyway, um,
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: there's this Tuesday, and we're gonna go, it's just for
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: a whole night, and he's not saying where we're going
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: and what we're doing. So, um,
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: It was dinner at Tippoozero in the city and I
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: had a beautiful dress and my friend did my hair,
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: and then we we were staying at the Langham, so um.
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was fantastic. It was a full moon. It
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: was a super moon actually, and I'm such a moon baby. Um,
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: and super late at night after tip of 00, we
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: got back to the, um, the hotel and it was
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: beautiful big corner suite with the view of the city
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: and the moon and everything. And I just remember lying
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: there thinking, if he's not gonna give me this ring tonight,
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: I'm flat out just gonna ask him myself. Like, this
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: is ridiculous, because if you're not gonna do this now, right, you,
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: you're literally like, this is, this is now. This is
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: what we're here for.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: Um, and then he did, and, um.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I said yes, and it was all super lovely and.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: I think he asked me, I can't remember the exact words,
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: but it was, you know, it was our not wedding proposal,
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: you know? Um.
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: Right down with the champagne and the beautiful moonlight and everything.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: It had all been worth it.
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: So happy, so happy, and I remember talking to friends
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: afterwards being like, so proud of us for getting through.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: You know, most particularly that long chunk of therapy and
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: really really hard time.
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: And
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: Just realizing how ferociously I loved him and that if
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: you really, you know,
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: Throw yourself into something, you can get through it, like
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: you can really get through all sorts of different nightmares,
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: and I was so proud of us for getting through that.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Their not proposal sparked a whole new chapter of their relationship.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: More than 5 years after that first meeting in the pub,
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: it was like they were high school sweethearts going through
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: the honeymoon period all over again. They were connecting over
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: new things, making life plans and promising to commit to
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: each other in front of the people they loved most
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: in the world.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Whether it included the legal piece of paper, just
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: didn't matter.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: The experience of, of, of not getting married, but we,
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: we planned the whole day from a blank sheet of paper,
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: you know, you hear stories about pagan hand fasting ceremonies, oh,
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: that sounds like us and.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm such a word nerd and I love music. Yeah,
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: you know, writing my own vows from scratch was one
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: of the most beautiful things I've ever done, and interspersed
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: with a whole bunch of song lyrics from, um, bands
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: that we'd seen and, and that meant something to me
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: or that were a part of a time that we'd
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: had together. Um.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was just incredible. I was so excited about
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: this day. I bought my dress on 5th Avenue in
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: New York with my mum cos I went for this
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: work trip.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: And it was just absolutely perfect. I still love it.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: We set a date. The date was exactly so the
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: day he proposed, the reason we had to wait till
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: this particular Tuesday was, we always talked about, you know,
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: the concept of our relationship being meeting each other halfway.
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: And so the particular day in November was exactly halfway
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: between our birthdays. Um, and then the
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: Engagement that the proposal was also the other 6 months
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: halfway between our birthdays. So, the party was gonna be
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: in November because that was halfway and we, we were engaged,
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: not engaged for 6 months. And
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: whether it's a traditional marriage or not, you can't have
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: a wedding without a hen's party, right? Or at least
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: some version of.
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: So I decided I wasn't having a hen's day because
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: I'm not a chicken, so.
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: I decided that we would have a vixen fest.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Exactly one week before their not wedding, Beck's friends and
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: family put on the most epic vixen's fest there was.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: It was music festival themed. They dressed up like they
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: were going to Coachella. They drank and danced all night
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: while Mick and his mates spent their weekend away to
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: surf shack, being boys. It
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: It was perfect.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: Legit, one of the funnest days I've ever had. Like,
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: everything about it was just amazing. Everything. My mom did
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: this beautiful speech. Everyone signed a copy of my favorite book,
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: or the Places You'll go. Like, it was just stunning.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: It
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: wasn't the clearest night, memory wise. There was a little
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: bit of champagne consumed.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: What Beck does remember is breaking her thumb, being a
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: bit too overzealous opening an umbrella, as you do, traditional
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: vixen fest custom and all that.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: But she was about to find out a broken thumb
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: a week before her wedding was the least of her
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: worries.
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I woke up the next morning.
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: And um I had a message from Instagram and an
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: Instagram alert that said that Emily wanted to send me
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: a message, and I'm like,
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: what?
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: Was she dreaming? Was she still drunk? It had been
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: years since Emily had injected herself into their relationship. Years
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: since they'd fought over her, worried about her, or thought
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: they might ever hear from her again. Years since either
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: of them had had any contact with her. Yet here
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: she was, her name staring out of Bec's DMs a
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: week before her
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: wedding.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: I just the full, uh, like cold shivers from the
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: stomach up, do you know what I mean? Like.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: And suddenly, despite the hangover and everything, you're just so awake.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: She didn't know what to do. So, what to do
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: in a time of potential crisis that may or may
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: not involve the man you're meant to be marrying in
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: a week, you call your bestie.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: So yeah, I rang my best friend and we chewed
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: it through and then eventually decided that we'd open, we,
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I would open the message. Um, and yeah, it turned
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: out to be a whole bunch of messages. I just
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: went white, cold.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: I think the first message said something like.
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: If you wanna go ahead and fake marry him, you
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: can just know that I've been fucking him for the
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: last 6 months. Well, actually your whole relationship, ha ha ha.
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: But that wasn't
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: all.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: If you don't believe me, just have a look at
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: my Instagram.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: So, um, when I looked at her Instagram, there were
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: photos of them naked in bed together, publicly available on
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: her Instagram. Only of his hands and her like naked
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: thigh or whatever. But I'm a hand person. As I
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: said to him, probably 85 times afterwards, I would have
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: preferred it was a photo of your penis. I don't, like,
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: How dare you think I don't recognize your hands, like,
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: It was more intimate to me, and there were photos
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: that were obviously framed of him holding a beer next
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: to her champagne. So she's taking these romantic getaway photos
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: of them during our relationship, um, when I thought he
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: was on business trips or whatever I thought he was doing,
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: and they're very framed photos of his hands on her
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: naked body or choosing champagne with her or da da da.
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: And it was to me just
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: I feel physically sick thinking about it now, like if
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: like he's like.
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: They were so obvious, he knew that she was taking
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: those photos like.
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: And yeah, during our relationship. So her Instagram was like
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: this fucking time capsule to what ended up being their story,
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: which had existed for our entire relationship. And I just collapsed.
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: I showed her my phone and I just, I was howling.
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: I just couldn't, I couldn't breathe.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: There it was, evidence, proof that the whole time she'd
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: trusted her partner, despite numerous signs, red flags, and even
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: people telling her stories, she'd loved and trusted him, and
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: the whole time he'd been lying, recklessly at that, but
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: she'd trusted him enough to not be that girl who
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: stalked her partner's ex on social media.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: The next part, Beck says, is a bit of a blur.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: The shock took over and sent her into a daze.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: She remembers calling him and asking him to come home,
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: but she doesn't even remember crying.
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: Such a weird time. How did I even drive home?
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: I was in so much shock. I look back at
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: that immediate period, especially. I didn't cry, or maybe I
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: yelled at him a tiny bit. I remember him telling
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: me not to drink and smoke, um, because I was
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: still smoking a wee bit at that time in my life.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: And it was, by the time we met here, it
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: was still really early. It was probably only 10 or
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: 11 in the morning.
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: And I remember him telling me that I shouldn't be drinking.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: And he'd brought back an esky full of booze from
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: the surfing weekend. And like that was one of the
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: only vivid memories I have of being really pissed off.
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: I'm like, Really? Really? That's our problem. Like, open the
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: next bottle of wine, light the next cigarette, and be like,
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: Fuck you, mate, I'm gonna do what I want. Like, yeah.
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: And other than that, I think that was the only
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: time I remember being angry with him that day, was
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: when he told me not to drink and smoke. The
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: rest of the time was just, I need to understand.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: What I don't know, like just tell me everything. I've
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: always coped much better when I have the information, whatever
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: the information is, and it obviously became really clear to
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: me at that point that I was seriously lacking.
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: 6.5 years of information, um, and.
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I just, I, obviously shock has to
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: be part of
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: it.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: So he explained. In front of her best friend, he
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: explained that he'd had an on and off relationship with
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: Emily the whole time. Since that very first night she
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: saw Mick kissing Beck at the pub, she'd gone back
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: to it.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: He told Bec it had been on and off, but
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: for the last 6 months it had escalated. Trips away
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: together when he said he was on business, nights at
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: her house when he said he was staying late at work.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: Mick and his ex-wife had had a full-blown
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: affair.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: It was such a shock to everybody.
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: That we were all in shock. He's this lovely guy
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: that we all just thought was such a lovely guy.
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: And now he's sitting in front of us saying that
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: he's been sleeping with his ex-wife for our entire relationship,
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: and that the, the 6 months, the the last 6
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: months in the lead up.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: To the big reveal was, um, a full-blown affair that
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: during which he'd been choosing between the two of us.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: And
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: It it it was literally like a cricket bat to
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: the head, you just stood there sort of mute.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: He told Bec all of this to finally be truthful.
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: They were meant to be committing to each other for
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: life next week, after all.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: He wanted the ceremony to go ahead.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: Because he'd ended the affair with Emily 4 days before that,
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: and in his mind, and he'd been apparently trying to
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: end the affair with Emily for a number of weeks.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: And he'd finally ended it, and he was sure that
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: I was the person he wanted to spend the rest
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: of his life with, and he was completely committed, so
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: he wanted the ceremony to go ahead.
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: So I guess that's probably part of the reason that
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: I didn't get angry, because I had to fix that
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: fucking problem.
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: While Bec's brain was a mess, she was sure of
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: one thing, the ceremony absolutely wasn't going ahead. So while
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: she was dealing with this world shattering, gut-wrenching, life-changing news,
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: wanting to just lay in bed alone and ignore the
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: whole world, she had to cancel a non-wedding. Oh,
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: the irony.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: The trauma of that was the admin, like just the
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: bizarre experience of.
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: The humiliation.
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: Of saying that out loud to strangers.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: There was one thing she wasn't going to cancel, though.
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: You remember in the Sex and the City movie when
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: Big leaves Carrie at the altar and her friends go
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: on her honeymoon with her? Yeah, that's what happened here.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: Beck's best friend wasn't gonna let her miss this holiday
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: she'd looked forward to for over a year. Plus, she
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: still hadn't really broken down. Her friend was really worried
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: about her and wanted to take her away from it all.
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: God knew she needed it now, more than ever.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: And whether it was being removed from the situation, removed
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: from him, or just the cabin pressure, it was the
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: plane trip to her would-be honeymoon that set her grief
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: into motion.
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: Gang of Youths go farther in Lightness album was in
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: the Qantas app? Fuck, I can't even say it without crying.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: And I'd heard the album before, but I hadn't like
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: heard the album before, and the album took exactly the
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: length of the flight from Melbourne to Brisbane, and I cried,
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: that it was the first time I cried.
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: And I don't know if you know that album very well,
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: but it they refer to it as like the healing album, right, it's,
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: There's a song on it called Do Not Let Your
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: Spirit Wane. There's a song on it called The Heart
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: Is a Muscle, which is about, you know,
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: The heart is a muscle, and we have to make
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: it strong. There's a song on it called Persevere. Like,
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: it was literally like, um, that whole album was written
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: for me to listen to on that fucking day. So
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: I didn't think about the fact that I was supposed
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: to be going on this wonderful romantic journey. I thought
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: about the fact that music was piecing my soul back together,
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: and I think I let myself feel pain for the
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: first time on that flight.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: That album and that band, she says, saved her.
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: So I ended up writing them a letter.
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: And so that's what I spent a lot of the
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: honeymoon doing. I didn't sit there thinking about what I
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: would've been doing with him. I listened.
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: To music that my, my, my soul needed to hear
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: and then I wrote letters to those bands, so I
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: wrote letters to the bands that were in my vows,
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: and I sent them um these letters about,
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like, cheers for getting me through the last week.
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: And um.
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: It was really cathartic, like I was on this beautiful
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: tropical island, and I just had my music and my
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: pen and my best friend and.
• 35:57
  Speaker 2: I didn't think about him being there that much, I
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: don't think.
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: The confusion didn't end when she got home. Mick was
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: there waiting, telling her he was sorry and wanted to
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: make it work. She knew she couldn't trust him, but
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: her whole world was also crashing down around her. She'd
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: given up everything for this man. What was her life
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: now without him, without the kids she'd chosen not to
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: have because of him, it was so tempting to forgive him,
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: to try again.
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: But she knew what she had to do. I was
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: like, there's no, there's absolutely no chance of a future here, man.
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: And I felt so strong and clear.
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: Because yeah, it just all made sense, like I said,
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: whatever decisions I was making.
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: I was making them for myself and.
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was a fucking awful time, but I guess
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: I feel like everything else was so out of my
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: control for those 6.5 years, that once I had the information,
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: it was my fucking information. And I was gonna do
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: it worked
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: for me.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: It took a long time to start to heal, and
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: a lot of therapy, but what came as a surprise
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: even to herself was that cutting ties with Mick and
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: their former life was easier than she'd ever expected.
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: The
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: depth of the portrayal was so magnificent that it was
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: hard to miss him because I just felt like I
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: never knew who he was anyway. So what did I miss?
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: An imaginary person or the shell of a man that
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: presented a certain way.
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: He was like a chameleon. He had no inner substance.
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: Who he was when he was around me was a
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: completely different man to who he was when he was
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: around Emily, and probably a completely different man to who
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: he was when he was at work. And you can't
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: live that sort of ethical duality and have any sort
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: of moral compass.
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: So I didn't, I missed.
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: The version of him I thought he was, but I
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: don't think I, I, I knew very early that that
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: was potentially a,
• 38:26
  Speaker 2: A fictional character, I realized after 6.5 years, I had
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: no idea who this human I was living with was.
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: Their breakup was 2 years ago now. In that time,
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: Beck's done a lot of healing, and rightfully, she's pretty
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: damn proud of herself.
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: So I just tried to do all the right things.
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: So I got a really good therapist and I journaled
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: every day, and I did some yoga teacher training and,
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: you know, I meditated and I adopted a dog, and,
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: you know.
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: I did all the right things. And
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, lo and behold, if it didn't fucking work. Like
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: it wasn't great fun, but you'd just do the work.
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: And I learned a lot about myself, and I wouldn't
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: wish that experience on anybody, but I wouldn't take it
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: back from myself because I would have no idea how
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: powerful I am if I hadn't had to survive that.
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: And I wouldn't be as proud of who I am
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: as a person if I hadn't had to survive that.
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: And I don't think I'd be as good at my
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: job if I didn't have to survive that. Like, you.
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: Have to survive something really difficult like that, you don't
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: have time to doubt yourself, you've just got to get
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: the fuck on with it, man, like, so it was
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: a really empowering experience for me. It took me a
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: long time to feel the humiliation because of course there's
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: a humiliation aspect.
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: Um, but by the time the shock wore off and
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: I realized that I probably should feel humiliated, it's like,
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: oh well, I've been walking around for the last 6
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: months not feeling humiliated, there's probably not much point doing
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: it now.
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: And while she's found solace and even gratitude in her strength,
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: there's still a lot of hurt, anger, and resentment. She
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: not only gave 6.5 years of her life to this man,
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: she possibly gave up the chance to have children.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: I was really angry. I was ferociously angry for a
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: very long time, um, specifically about that. A 33-year-old woman
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: has a whole list of different options that a 39-year-old
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: woman doesn't, um, and 40 by the time we broke up.
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: I do think that it's the cruelest part of our relationship,
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: but in some ways, um,
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: But only because it's the only one that.
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: You can't fix, you know what I mean? You can't
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: get back 7 years of ovary health, but, you know,
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: it's not, it's hardly the worst thing anyone's ever survived,
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: and it's certainly, I was afraid that it would make
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: me bitter, that it's going to somehow take my optimistic
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: and positive nature and turn me into like a bitter
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: resentful human. Um, but I, I'm pretty confident that's not
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: gonna happen now. And, and maybe that's enough. Like maybe
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: now you can just sort of show up and live.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: As for love, and I imagine that it will be
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: hard when I fall in love again, cause I will
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: have triggers and insecurities and panic. But dating again's been
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: fun cause you kind of get your head around those.
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: In different increments with different people, and I've met some
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: really cool guys.
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: But nothing that's stuck yet.
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: Despite it all, Bec looks back on this horrendous period
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: of her life with amazing clarity and undeniable positivity.
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: I would not give back a day of the last
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: 2.5 years. Even the worst days when I was snot
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: crying all over the dog, home alone, not wanting to
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: call friend after friend because you don't want to burden,
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: oh so and so works late or they've got kids
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: or da da da.
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: Even on the loneliest and saddest days, I wouldn't give
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: back a day of it because I'm happier now than
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: I have ever been in my entire life and I
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: can't be sure that I would be as comfortable with
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: who I am if I hadn't had to get through that.
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: Next time on everyone has an X. So he was
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: found guilty of attempted murder.
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: Of Nanette Clark, and he got sentenced to 20 years,
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: 13 years non-parole, so that on top of his sentence
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: for fraud is 30 years with 20 years non-parole. It's
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: a hefty sentence, like people get less for murder.
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: Everyone Has an X is written and narrated by me,
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: Georgia Love, produced by Linda Scott and edited by Matt Sofo.
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: Thank you for listening, we would love to hear from you.
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: If you like what you've just heard, please hit subscribe,
• 42:56
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• 42:59
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• 43:01
  Speaker 1: to us at everyonehasanx at mintymedia.com.au. That's M I N
• 43:06
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