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SMNTY Classics: Too Much · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. They're not going to
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: stefan never told you production VI High Radio, and we're
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: in our holiday whirlwind, wrap up, New Year, the whole thing.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Everything's happening. We just did an episode, one episode of
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Happy Our Little Celebration, and in it we talked about
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: our the previous year's holiday party and how it went
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: kind of a rye for us, and uh, you know,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: I thought we would just bring that back and we
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: can compare. We can compare what happened to that year
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: versus what happened this year, as we discussed in that
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Happy Hour celebration. Um. So we hope you're having happy holiday,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: is good New Year's whatever it did you celebrate or
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: don't celebrate, I hope you're well. Um, but please enjoy
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: this classic episode. Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: welcome to stuff I never told your production by Heart Radio.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: You know, occasionally, Samantha, I feel like a robot, and
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: sometimes I feel like I sound very robotic during that intro,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: but I did just have to do it twice, and
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: it kind of tripped me up a bit because I
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm stuck in the same moment over and
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: over again. To be fair, that was my fault because
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I was unprofessionally drinking on the mic and I was like,
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: this is not people already complain, Why am I doing this?
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: Let's do that again. So my bad on that one.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: It's all good because it's time for another happy hour
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: and as I always, drink responsibly if you choose to
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: do so. We are kind of doing a huge, very
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: long recording session today, so it's a bit of a
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: cheat still being on very long. Yes, well this is
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: the last thing for today. Yes. Uh, so we're still
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: sitting on what we had for the happy hour you
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: that came out too happy hours ago while ago. Thanks
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: the thankful one. So I'm still sipping on my gin
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: and tonic and do you on your wine? Still still
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: open on the vino verde that I still love. Yes,
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: so we are now in again. I don't know when
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: you're listening to this, but I'm assuming it's two. And
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: as part of this episode, it actually kind of relates
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: to I Believe a Monday mane that's coming out soon
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: about kind of feeling doubt and insecure in your job
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: and in your performance, which we're going to be discussing
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: this's the whole thing. I have been thinking about, this
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: idea of being too much and feeling like I'm too
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: much a lot lately. And this whole thing is precipitated
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: by a holiday party that Samantha and I went to.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: But before I get into that, it also, of course,
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I have a fan fiction story about this, because I
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: I found a fan fiction and there are a lot
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: of fan fiction about a sexual people and a sexual
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: people being in relationships with non asexual people. Most of
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: the ones I have read are told from the point
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: of view of the a sexual person, which makes sense,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: but I just read one from the other side of
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: this point of view, and it was really moving and
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: it was really well written, and I was like, oh,
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: because I've just never had this conversation with somebody in
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: a relationship before, and the person who wasn't a sexual
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: kind of had this breakdown and kept saying like, I
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm too much, like I'm too much, I
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: asked for too much, I need too much, and they
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: were tears. Ship they were tears. But I just got
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: to thinking about that because I know I've discussed before,
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: and we've discussed before a lot of times. I do
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm too much, or I asked for too much,
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: or like I have to hide pieces of myself that
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: because if you knew that, if you knew that about me,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: or if I asked for something, then you're not worth
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: to ask. Like the people will leave, You'll scare them
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: away to be because she is not worth how much
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: effort she is asking of me, which is often ridiculous
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: because a lot of times it's really small things, Like
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: it's hard for me because I am a very passionate person.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: But in the back of my head, I'm like, why
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: do people put up with me? Like why did I
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: why don't they let me talk about all this stuff?
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: And I try to hide it. It's so funny. My
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: mom has started watching Star Wars on Sundays. It's cute.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: It is really cute, but it took me forever to
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: even tell her. And I love my mom and we're
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: really open with each other, but it took me forever
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: to even tell her. I did that because I thought
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: it would be too much, and then she was going
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: to feel like she had to do it if I
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: was home on Sundays, and then I was going to
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: be embarrassed and thinking she hates allow this and she
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: wants to she wants it to be over, and just
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: getting really in my head about things like that. Um,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: and then you know, you scale that up in a
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: relationship and you're thinking you have to minimize yourself, you
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: have to be small or else this person is going
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: to leave. And I think a lot of women relate
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: to that. But yes, recently we had this party. Is
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: the first time Samantha and I have been in an event.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: It was outdoors and it wasn't that many people, but
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: it was more people than I'm definitely interacted with in
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: a while. And I think because my a lot of
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: my persona has been built on like she's always doing something,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: She's always busy. You know, people give you that question
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: like what are you doing? What how are you and
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: it's just silence because you're like, uh, staying in Star
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: Wars or whatever. But that's the thing, is like you're
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: doing something. You found such a passion for this, and
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: you always had it, but you've been able to dig
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: into it legitimately, like all the way into it. That's
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: where I'm like, I watched Annie watch Star Wars, but
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: that is my response because we just had a moment
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: and it's hilarious because both of us apparently are on
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: the same truck emotionally, and yes, we were definitely triggered
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: by this party, which is hilarious because from my standpoint,
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: and I've already kind of said this, you were on
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: point and everybody was loving you as where I was
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: disappearing and people were running away from me. So it
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: was gonna like we just had a weird opposite interaction.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: And of course it could be in my head because
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: I'm always in my head, and in my head, I'm
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: the worst person ever, you know, coming back to being
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: too much, and that is absolutely like I'm in the way.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: That has been a haunt tagline for me since pretty
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: much like young young toddler hood self. So I have
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: a whole thing with this with you, as like you
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: and I have talked about this many times because I'm like,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: I'm non existent and people don't even realize I'm here
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: when I show up. It's more of an awkward hey, hey,
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: what you do? And oh okay, bah, And I'm the
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: one who's asking how are you? And I'm like, oh
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: my god, I shouldn't be asking you that, because this
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: is a really horrible time frame for a lot of people,
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: and that's not a question that you want to ask someone.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: But on top of that, myself in general, I'm a
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: very intense person like that. There's no good getting around it.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: I really wish I wasn't sometimes because when I'm asking
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: you how you are, I'm legitimately asking you, and then
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: when you start talking to me, I'm going to ask
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: more questions. And I've been told many of times Smith
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: that's not really appropriate. They just, you know, people want
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: to just be in make the like superficial questions and
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: move on in life. And I realized, okay, that's too much.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: My intensity is too much, okay, And I've really had
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: to try to scale back to the point that I've
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: had to say it out loud to people like I'm
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: so sorry. If this is getting too deep, I promise
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: I'll stop. It's just I'm incapable of not following through
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: or having follow up if I hear something. And that's
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: all to do with my own past, my own traumas,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: my own training, my own empathy, Like that's just that's
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: just hack. I can't and if I see a signal,
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: it's hard for me not to see it. So yeah, yeah,
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: there's so much in in in all of this because
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: if you long time listeners might remember, back when I
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: did my we did our therapy sessions and we did
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: episodes where we shared those with you, and I was
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: talking about how I always feel like it's this performance
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: and it's so fake, and that people are going to
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: see that it's fake, and that if they get any
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: hint of, like any glimpse of the real me or
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: whatever is really going on, and they're not gonna want
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: to deal with me anymore. I had a friend tell me,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: you create problems by not try and create problems because
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: I'm trying so hard to not annoying people because I
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: think I'm annoying presence. I won't text you or I
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: won't because I think you'll be annoyed um with my
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: silly thoughts on whatever it is. And sometimes it's not
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: even necessarily thought of, something small, and I still won't
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: do it. And I was even like that with my
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: parents or I was like there one day, they're just
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: gonna be like nope. But anyway, sometimes what happens, I
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: feel like for me is I'll go to these parties
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: and I'm having fun and there's alcohol involved, and my
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: inhibitions will go down, and I'm being more open than
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: I would normally be. And that's not not even about
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: like private stuff, but like I was trying to convince
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: this guy about why the Last of Us two is
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: the best of us, the best game ever. Um so
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: things like that that are not like that me and
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Tyler and later, like they're fun conversations and I like them.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: There's something I probably wouldn't do unless I really know
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: you very well. And so at the end of the night,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I've had all these conversations to people and it had
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: been fun, and I've been really like outgoing and loud
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: and probably more than I normally am because normally I'm
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: pretty like preserved with people I don't know very well.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: And I got home and I just like totally broke
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: down and just solved for ten minutes, like real sobs.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: And there was a lot of stuff going on. But
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: one of the things, like I shrunken, and my friends
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: have seen me do this. If I get really upset,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: like I will literally make myself small. I will get
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: in a ball and I will it looks really painful,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: it's like a pretzel thing, and I'll just like stay
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: there because it's like I don't want to be seeing,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: don't want to be heard, because now everyone's seen me
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: and heard me, and they're going to realize like, oh,
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: she's a terrible person, or oh I don't want her around,
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: or she's not worth having around, she's too much, and
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: it's I don't know. It's one of those really frustrating,
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: like insecurities to shake, and I know it is mine,
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: and I like know it. There's like a thought I
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: can think and it's if I told it to you
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: wouldn't think it's that bad, but it is enough to
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: just wreck me. And a lot of times when I
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: talk to people about fan fiction and then they're always like,
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: she reads the saddest stuff. I do read sad stuff,
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: But really a lot of it is just about not
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: feeling like you're worth it. Like it's not super tragic,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: it's just oh that's right, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I again,
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I'm with you, and like again. And the thing that
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: the statement that has ever haunted me and makes me
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: tear up and you can hear to my voice when
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: I say that I'm in the way or um, the
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: whole rejection. But being in the way is my biggest
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: game fear, which is an absurd fear because it doesn't
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: sound right in any aspects of like being on the way,
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: what do you mean? Do you mean physically? Do you
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: mean all these things? I'm like, I know all of it,
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: being literally cast out of a house to another person,
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: to another person, to another person, to an orphanage where
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: some of my big traumas happened. I physically react to
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: the thought of being in the way and that I
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: have to prove myself and don't even know what that
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: truly means to truly understand the same things like I'm
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: being too much, I'm being too loud, I'm being too obnoxious,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: I'm being too needy. Those are three of the biggest
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: things that I fear. And I worked so hard to
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: pred on the persona of being independent that anything else
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: doesn't feel natural, and feel like it feels like a
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: violation of who I am, which is not necessarily true.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: And again so many questions, So being vulnerable in any
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: any way, going to an event, which feels like especially
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: with jobs in an event, and I'm one of the
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: older one as a podcasting host, like at this up
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: and trending new type of culture and subset, I feel
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: out of place. I'm not white, i am not a man,
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: I am forty years old, I am adopted, and I
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: have barely gotten through life in so many ways, and
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: so being in this aspects and again, like many of
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: y'all are journalists and writers and actors, and I'm like, hey,
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: I lived in l J, Georgia when the University of
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Georgia social work. Yeah, so all of those insecurities is
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: so huge, and you're right like feeling like I'm always
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: in the way and therefore I am a nuisance and
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: literally a diversity token. That's been a huge thing in
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: my head anyway. But add that to the fact that
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: I have been told that I haven't been wanted and
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: that they're all of these things literally being cast aside,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: passed around trying to find someone to solve this problem
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: called me. Um, hey, that's my memmor But yeah, I
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: definitely get that, and I'm sure. So I haven't gotten
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: to the point where I can say I'm sure it's
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: all in my head. M hmm. I don't know if
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: that's true, but I will say, like, it's interesting to
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: see you having those same thoughts. Who I think you're
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: You're literally, to me, the center of attention not because
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: you're trying to put yourself there, but because people adore you.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: To that point, we've been I've been gushing over you
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: all day, so I'm just gonna keep going with it.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: But essentially with what I saw at the party as
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: I was trying to run away. Mmmmm, well, that's one
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: of the things, Like I always find it so interesting
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: with with you and a lot of my friends who
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: are women. I'll hear you say something like this, and
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: but I think you're so amazing, and I think you're
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: so great, and I don't see that, but I'm also
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: doing it. Like I think, it's just such a common
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: the way we see each other and the way we
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: see ourselves. And that's kind of why I wanted to
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: bring it up, because after we talked about this, I
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: was like, this is so interesting to me that we're
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: kind of we're just we're struggling with the same thing.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: It's just viewing it and interpreting it differently. And like
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: I guess, like I said, we we are very different
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: how we deal with stress, So we're kind of outwardly
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: appearing very different, but inwardly, yeah, very similar. Like we
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: may react differently, but it's for the same reasons. That's
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: exactly fascinating. Of course, you know, people are different, people
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: are unique, and we know this. But that's the thing is,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: like this whole idea of the impostor syndrome, I don't
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: think that that word is strong enough for this. This
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: is not impostor syndrome. This is a trauma that we
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: suffered again going through our own experiences, but also being
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: women in a society that has been taught to shrink
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: and that we should know our place in society, which
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: is to be behind in the shadows, in the corner,
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: doing all the labor, but quietly and stuffering through it quietly.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: And I think it does say that. It just showed
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: that a lot. And then when we start being recognized
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: or being seen or wanting to be seen or wanting
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: to be recognized, it feels like blasphemy, how dare you?
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: But within our own souls, because once again, this is
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: the opposite of being what we were taught as women
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: in the society. That's a bigger conversation though it is,
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: But that's definitely one of the reasons I wanted to
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: talk about this because I do think like being too much.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: It was like we can't even express our needs are
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: wants because that's too much, but they could be basic things.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: We've just been so conditioned to do this and so
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: conditioned through our experiences and through society and through um, yeah,
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: being women of If I am too much in whatever
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: way I think that is, if I'm too loud or
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: talk to you about my Star Wars love too much,
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: You're just going to write me off because that's that's
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: You're not worth the effort. So I think there's a
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: lot we could unpack with this, and I'm sure we
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: probably will, and and sheers too, And I hope you
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: can tell us what you are going through and how
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: you are doing, because I have a feeling we're not
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: alone in this new concept of trying to socialize again.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: The party sent us move Love. It's so true though,
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: It's so true. Yes, we would love, love, love to
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: hear from you. You can emails at STUFFI You, mom
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: Stuff at I hurt Media dot com. You can find
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: us on Instagram at stuff I've Never Told You are
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always to
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: our super producer Christina, which we did get to seeing
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: hug and it was the delight. Christina, You're amazing yes, yes,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening stuff I never told
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: you protection I Heart Radio for more podcast from my
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: Hurt Radio visity, I Heard you app Apple podcast or
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: where you listen to your favorite shows.