Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 125: The Empath Abyss: Symptoms, Triggers, and Solutions (Practical Tips for Empaths & HSP's)

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125: The Empath Abyss: Symptoms, Triggers, and Solutions (Practical Tips for Empaths & HSP's) · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is Marianne Walker and I am the life coach for empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 0:27
  And I just got off of a call with a client and this client used such a fantastic term to describe a very common experience.
• 0:36
  And so I thought that we would talk about that today.
• 0:39
  But the word that they used was empath abyss.
• 0:42
  Now the impact that this is the place that you go when you're feeling extremely disoriented, you maybe don't even know what happened.
• 0:49
  Your emotions are really heightened.
• 0:51
  They're kind of bouncing all over the place.
• 0:52
  It's hard to differentiate yourself from the other person.
• 0:55
  There's just kind of a lot going on when you were in the empath at best.
• 0:59
  And this is true for impasse as well as highly sensitive people.
• 1:02
  It can feel very similar.
• 1:04
  It feels kind of like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you.
• 1:07
  So some of the symptoms.
• 1:10
  Of being in the empathy of this is that you struggle to make requests from other people.
• 1:14
  And instead you might actually become overly accommodating of others.
• 1:18
  Maybe you share something that you think is an absolute for you and you think, yes, this is absolutely my truth.
• 1:23
  And then you get some feedback from the other person that oh no, that can't possibly be true.
• 1:28
  And so when they respond negatively, you assume, oh, well they must be true because you feel their feelings so deeply.
• 1:33
  Right?
• 1:34
  So you think, oh, So then you think, oh, well they must be right.
• 1:38
  Their experience must be more true because we feel their emotions so much.
• 1:42
  Like they're our own, it's easy to dismiss our own because we really can feel.
• 1:47
  What it is that they're conveying.
• 1:48
  Right.
• 1:48
  So we tend to minimize our own feelings and turn up the volume on somebody.
• 1:52
  Else's.
• 1:53
  And.
• 1:58
  And more likely than not.
• 1:59
  When we fall into this abyss, it is due to somebody else responding in a different way than how we think that they should.
• 2:06
  We find ourselves feeling caught off guard by somebody's neck.
• 2:10
  We find ourselves feeling caught off guard by somebody else's negative response.
• 2:14
  To how we're showing up.
• 2:15
  So, for example, maybe you make a request of somebody.
• 2:19
  And this might be a request for reciprocation for more time, for more energy, for more affection, whatever you make a request of somebody.
• 2:27
  And then instead of saying, oh yeah, that's something that I can do.
• 2:30
  Or even having a discussion about what they are capable of doing.
• 2:33
  Instead then they might tell you that you were wrong for making such a request.
• 2:38
  Maybe they tell you that you were selfish.
• 2:40
  Maybe they tell you that I can't believe this.
• 2:43
  You're so inconsiderate of me.
• 2:44
  How dare you ask such a thing of me.
• 2:47
  And so when they had their big emotional response, Then you might start to kind of spiral into shame.
• 2:52
  You're believing they're words that you have done something wrong that you are out of place by making such a request.
• 2:58
  And when that happens, it's highly likely that you might even become even more accommodating of the other person.
• 3:05
  To make a Benz.
• 3:06
  So when you make a request and they say, I can't do that, how dare you?
• 3:10
  Don't you know, how burned out.
• 3:11
  I am.
• 3:12
  Then you might be more overly accommodating of them, which is actually increasing the gap that you were wanting to fill.
• 3:20
  Another example might be that you're setting a boundary with somebody that you've really thought long and hard about you feel like it's important to set this boundary.
• 3:27
  And then the other person responds negatively to it.
• 3:31
  So they tell you, well, how dare you?
• 3:32
  You should just love me regardless.
• 3:33
  Like how dare you set boundaries with me?
• 3:35
  I should be the exception to your rule.
• 3:38
  Don't you love me?
• 3:39
  Don't you understand?
• 3:40
  If you understood.
• 3:41
  Then, if you are.
• 3:43
  If you are a more loving person, then you'd understand like, why I'm the way that I am and why you shouldn't set this boundary with me instead.
• 3:49
  You should just forgive me.
• 3:50
  So this is often something that happens in a toxic relationship where you have had to state a boundary because it's not working for you.
• 3:57
  And then they might be turning it around on you saying, but no, but if you loved me, you would make me the exception to the rule where they're now making it your responsibility to change rather than creating accountability for themselves.
• 4:08
  And again, this is going to start that guilt and shame cycle.
• 4:12
  Where it's really easy when you're an empath or a highly sensitive person to believe what it is that they're telling you.
• 4:18
  And so then you might start to tell yourself the story that, oh, I shouldn't have set that boundary.
• 4:24
  You know what I can see now that I did a lot of damage to them by stating a boundary, they hurt so much because I stay a boundary, I guess, that I was in the wrong for doing such a thing.
• 4:34
  Or maybe you're sharing something that is really important to you.
• 4:38
  For example, maybe you really want to start setting aside some money to save up for a romantic getaway with each other, or maybe you're feeling unappreciated and you would like a little bit more support around the house.
• 4:48
  Or maybe.
• 4:50
  Hmm.
• 4:52
  Hm.
• 4:55
  Or maybe you just want to share something with your friend or your partner, this really important to you.
• 5:00
  For example, maybe you share that, Hey, I've been feeling like things are a little bit out of balance at home, or maybe you're even asking for a little bit more domestic support or asking for supports in other ways that you're maybe feeling a little bit unappreciated, you're just sharing any emotion and looking for a bit of conversation around how to get that very valid need met and then they might explode and they might say, well, Hey, don't you see that I'm doing everything that I can do.
• 5:25
  How dare you ask me for more?
• 5:27
  And so then when they do that, you find yourself shrinking, you find yourself spinning, you, find yourself asking questions.
• 5:33
  Like, why am I the bad guy?
• 5:35
  Was I out of line?
• 5:36
  Am I asking too much?
• 5:37
  Well, maybe I don't actually love them unconditionally because they're right.
• 5:40
  I don't like that.
• 5:41
  They're doing that thing.
• 5:42
  And I'm asking them to change now, where do I go?
• 5:46
  And this is the empath abyss.
• 5:49
  Now we get into the abyss in quite a few different ways, but I'm going to tell you about two of them.
• 5:53
  So one way that we end up in the empathic is we feel other people's emotions.
• 5:58
  So strongly.
• 5:59
  That their emotions seem almost more valid than ours.
• 6:03
  It invalidates our experience and maybe we've become so conditioned to accommodate others.
• 6:09
  That is just very easy for us to do.
• 6:11
  It's easy for us to say, oh, you know what?
• 6:12
  You're right.
• 6:13
  You're right.
• 6:14
  I can feel that you're very passionate about this.
• 6:15
  And we might assume that they are right, because they're speaking more loudly or more passionately, or we might legitimately feel it in our body, all of their anger and all of their rage around this.
• 6:26
  And so we will assume that, oh, they're right.
• 6:29
  Or we might be overly accommodating because a fear, right.
• 6:32
  We think, oh, no, if they're this upset, then what's going to happen next.
• 6:35
  I don't know what's going to happen.
• 6:37
  I need to placate them and make them happy.
• 6:39
  But then we're kind of not in integrity with ourselves.
• 6:42
  Right.
• 6:43
  Okay.
• 6:43
  Now the second reason why we might fall into the abyss.
• 6:46
  Is that we are not feeling confident or secure within ourselves.
• 6:50
  And when we're not feeling confident and secure in ourselves, it makes it easier for us to move those boundaries.
• 6:55
  We think everything must be negotiable because I don't actually feel solid and secure within myself.
• 7:01
  But then we end up feeling even more spinny because we are out of alignment.
• 7:05
  With our own integrity.
• 7:08
  So I'm going to share with you two ways to get out of this emotional a bit.
• 7:14
  Hmm.
• 7:16
  So, let me share with you briefly, just two ways to get out of this abyss.
• 7:19
  Of course.
• 7:20
  If you want to.
• 7:23
  Now we could spend weeks working on this in session.
• 7:25
  And so I know this is a very abbreviated version.
• 7:28
  So if this is resonating with you, come and work with me and we can spend more time on this and your particular situation, but I'm going to share with you two ways to help you to get out of the abyss.
• 7:37
  And the first is you really need to process your own emotions.
• 7:42
  Turn up the volume on your own emotions.
• 7:43
  You've been turning up the volume on everybody else's emotions and giving them legitimacy.
• 7:47
  But there's room for you to have your experience and for them to have their experience.
• 7:51
  See if you can differentiate your emotions from theirs and give yourself some time to feel those feelings.
• 7:58
  Take some time.
• 8:01
  Hmm.
• 8:02
  Hmm.
• 8:04
  So feel those feelings and then acknowledge how it is that you got here.
• 8:08
  Be open to the possibility that maybe you got here, not because you are wrong, but because you're just really sensitive to other people's responses, there's nothing wrong with you.
• 8:18
  This is just what it looks like.
• 8:19
  Sometimes when you're highly sensitive to other people's emotions.
• 8:23
  We often end up in this mess because either one or both of us is kind of a little bit emotionally immature.
• 8:30
  And so either we are not secure enough within ourselves to navigate it.
• 8:34
  And to navigate it when we have those differences or the one that we're engaging with it.
• 8:38
  Then they aren't equipped to handle our differences of opinion.
• 8:42
  And so it's going to create this strange dynamic where since we don't know how to navigate our own emotions, or they don't know how to navigate, there's, we're trying to control the other person and trying to control their perception.
• 8:52
  And this can either be by talking more loudly to let them know that no, my way is the true way, or it might be trying to control how they're feeling by placating and, and people pleasing in order to get that same response.
• 9:04
  There's more than one way that we can attempt to control the other person.
• 9:07
  But that's what it looks like when we're coming through that lens of emotional immaturity is we're trying to control the other person and we're not actually finding resolution.
• 9:14
  We're not actually being open to possibility.
• 9:16
  We're not actually compromising and coming together on it.
• 9:19
  Um, so just kind of be aware if that is something that is coming up for you.
• 9:23
  So it can be very disorienting at the other.
• 9:28
  One other thing to notice is it can be very disorienting and you can fall into that abyss when the other person is making it about themselves.
• 9:37
  And so I ended up.
• 9:39
  One other thing to notice is that it can be extremely disorienting.
• 9:43
  If maybe you're in relationship with somebody that tends to make it about themselves.
• 9:46
  And again, this is about control, right?
• 9:48
  We feel like we control things when it's about us.
• 9:50
  So I know a lot of impasse and highly sensitive people.
• 9:53
  It takes a lot of strength and it takes a lot of courage to actually express.
• 9:58
  An emotion and opinion, a request of somebody else.
• 10:01
  It takes a lot of courage.
• 10:03
  To do that.
• 10:04
  And so, for example, I'll just tell you about Sarah.
• 10:07
  So Sarah.
• 10:08
  She really worked up the courage to tell her partner that she's feeling really overwhelmed right now.
• 10:13
  And she would like a little bit more domestic support around the house.
• 10:16
  Now.
• 10:17
  A partner who is acting through that lens of emotional maturity.
• 10:21
  Then they might respond defensively.
• 10:23
  So they might respond with don't.
• 10:24
  You know how hard I work all day, I worked so hard to provide for this family and I come home exhausted and you don't appreciate everything that I do.
• 10:32
  And now you want even more from me now notice that her partner, in this instance, they're not acknowledging Sarah's overwhelm.
• 10:41
  Instead, they're actually trying to Trump Sara's overwhelmed with their own.
• 10:46
  And that is often something that happens in these toxic or imbalanced relationships is that the partner is going to make it about them.
• 10:53
  And they're going to be matching that emotion and turning up the level a little bit more because they've probably also learned that, Hey, if I can make my emotions a little bit louder, then I know that they will tend to accommodate or placate me.
• 11:06
  Right.
• 11:06
  So just kind of notice that as well.
• 11:07
  If one partner is making it about them, And using that Trump card rather than actually hearing and validating the emotion and actually hearing the request and working to come up with a solution because it's not even necessarily about the other person.
• 11:20
  Right.
• 11:20
  That's where the emotional immaturity comes in.
• 11:22
  It might not have anything to do with them.
• 11:24
  In this instance.
• 11:25
  And this instance it's about Sarah's overwhelmed.
• 11:28
  And if her partner is unable to help out with some of the domestic duties, maybe they could look into other options.
• 11:33
  Maybe they hire help.
• 11:34
  Maybe they.
• 11:35
  They recruit family members to step in every now and then there's a lot of ways.
• 11:39
  That Sarah's overwhelm could get managed and regulated.
• 11:42
  Um, and it might even just take, just listening and understanding that boy, I really understand that you're feeling overwhelmed.
• 11:48
  How about if we workshop some ideas and see what it is that we can do to help, to help with that?
• 11:53
  Because I don't want you to be overwhelmed.
• 11:55
  I want you to be my old Sarah.
• 11:56
  I want you to feel competent and capable, and I want you to have downtime too.
• 12:00
  I know that I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't even know what your day looks like, and I really want your needs to be met too.
• 12:05
  Right.
• 12:05
  That's coming through that lens of emotional maturity where we're able to see that.
• 12:09
  Okay.
• 12:10
  Maybe it's not about me.
• 12:11
  Let me focus on my partner and what it is that they're feeling and what is coming up for them.
• 12:16
  So in this instance with Sarah, if her partner is exploding and trying to Trump, her overwhelmed with their overwhelm, then if Sarah is a highly sensitive person or an empath, she's going to feel they're overwhelmed so deeply.
• 12:29
  And then what happens is she is now processing her overwhelmed.
• 12:33
  And they're overwhelmed.
• 12:36
  But she still wasn't getting any help or resolution with her overwhelmed.
• 12:40
  So it kind of compounds the problem, which is why a lot of highly sensitive people in empath do tend to placate.
• 12:46
  And accommodate because that helps to minimize their load.
• 12:50
  Right.
• 12:51
  If they can't.
• 12:54
  It's a lot of work to process your emotions and somebody else's.
• 12:57
  And so if they can play Kate, the other person, then they only have to manage and regulate their own emotions, which can feel so much easier than having to do the emotional processing for both parties.
• 13:08
  It totally makes sense why we do those things.
• 13:11
  And also it's not super sustainable to take on that emotional load.
• 13:17
  Now, as I said earlier, I could coach on this for weeks at a time.
• 13:20
  But for today, Then I'm going to share with you just a few pointers of how to get out of this EBUS.
• 13:28
  Hm.
• 13:30
  Hm.
• 13:32
  No, I could honestly coach on this for like weeks at a time, in fact, offer six week packages.
• 13:36
  So if you want to come and work with me and dedicate six weeks to this, come and work with me, I can help to teach you the tools to help you to get out of the Cbus.
• 13:44
  But for today, I'm going to share these two main pointers.
• 13:47
  And the first one is which we talked about before.
• 13:50
  Is take some time to emotionally process.
• 13:52
  Tend to your nervous system.
• 13:55
  And do what is needed for you to get out of this fight flight freeze or fawn response?
• 14:01
  I do have an episode on here.
• 14:02
  About fawning being the top.
• 14:07
  I do have an episode on here that I'll link in the show notes about fawning being a highly sensitive person or an empath stress response.
• 14:14
  We really love our fawning, right?
• 14:16
  That's the people pleasing that supplicating so check out that episode, if this is something that you tend to do, but tend to your own nervous system.
• 14:23
  So you can get out of that fight flight freeze or fawn response.
• 14:28
  Because it's too hard to see clearly the whole situation when we're in that place.
• 14:32
  So if you do notice that you are your, so if you do notice.
• 14:35
  A little bit.
• 14:36
  So if you do notice that your nervous system is feeling really off, take some time to tend to yourself and calm your nervous system so that you can have that clarity when we are in emotional overwhelm, it's we can't.
• 14:50
  When we are in emotional overwhelm, we cannot see things clearly, and we're more likely to continue those patterns and not create the change that is needed.
• 14:58
  So after you have calmed your nervous system and you've stepped out of fight flight freeze or fawn, then step two is remind yourself why you brought it up in the first place.
• 15:09
  You're a good person, more than likely you love this other person and you want to create something that is more sustainable for both of you.
• 15:18
  And that means that sometimes you might need to tell them explicitly.
• 15:22
  And that means that sometimes you might need to tell them explicitly what is needed in order for it to be sustainable for you.
• 15:29
  A lot of impasse and highly sensitive people are very accommodating of others.
• 15:32
  And so it's quite common for there to be a bit of an imbalance.
• 15:36
  And here's the thing is I've also learned the impasse and highly sensitive people.
• 15:40
  They actually have very low needs.
• 15:42
  They just need a little bit of love and validation from time to time, but we tend to make it a lot bigger in our own minds.
• 15:48
  It can feel big and it can feel scary to make those requests.
• 15:52
  But asking to make the relationship more sustainable.
• 15:55
  That is an act of love.
• 15:58
  It is unsustainable to not make those requests, because then guess what, ultimately, it's going to lead to you feeling burned out angry and resentful towards the very person that you are wanting to connect with.
• 16:09
  So remind yourself that.
• 16:10
  Yeah, I had a reason for speaking up and it's coming from a place of love and it's because I want this relationship to work.
• 16:18
  Some partners might tell you no, you're the one ruining things because you're bringing up things that are making me feel uncomfortable.
• 16:24
  But how you show up is about you.
• 16:27
  And their response is about them.
• 16:29
  And in fact, that's my third tip here is remember that their reaction is about them and it can be helpful when you are taking something to somebody to get really clear on how it is that you want to show up ahead of time.
• 16:40
  Make it measurable.
• 16:42
  So maybe you're coming up with your very clear single sentence.
• 16:46
  One, two, maybe three sentences max, on what it is that you want, making it clear and concise so that they can hear you more clearly as to what's going on for you.
• 16:55
  Right.
• 16:55
  So you get to make it measurable.
• 16:57
  So sometimes.
• 17:01
  So, let me give you an example here.
• 17:03
  I worked with one client where she was showing up at a party.
• 17:05
  Where she knew that somebody that was going to be there at their pro.
• 17:10
  So, let me share an example really quick, just to illustrate this and how you can make it a little bit more clear for yourself and make it measurable.
• 17:16
  Um, I had one client who was going to a party and she knew that there was going to be somebody there at that party that really didn't like her.
• 17:24
  And it was creating a lot of anxiety for her.
• 17:26
  She had so much fear and anxiety around how the other person was going to show up.
• 17:29
  That she wasn't taking the time needed to decide how it was that she actually wanted to show up.
• 17:34
  So I coached her on it and she thought through, okay, well, what I want to do is I want to be kind, I want to be engaging.
• 17:41
  I want to make sure that I ask each person one question about them.
• 17:45
  And that I.
• 17:48
  And if I'm feeling a little bit insecure, then I can get myself to safety and that's what I'm going to do.
• 17:53
  And that's how I'm going to make it measurable.
• 17:54
  And if I show up in that way, I know that I will be standing in my own integrity and I will feel less insecure.
• 18:00
  I'm going to be less likely to shrivel.
• 18:01
  I'm going to be less likely to grovel or to try to win this person over that.
• 18:05
  Obviously doesn't like me.
• 18:07
  I can just feel confident in how it is that I'm showing up.
• 18:09
  And if the other person does make comments, I can know that their comments are about that.
• 18:15
  I can know that I'm showing up well, and if they make negative comments, then that is about them.
• 18:21
  So keep that in mind, make it measurable for you when you are going into a relationship.
• 18:26
  When you are going into a conversation to talk with somebody about something, to share an opinion, to make request to state a boundary.
• 18:32
  Make it measurable for yourself and show up in ways that you are proud of.
• 18:37
  And remember that their response is about them.
• 18:40
  Don't over identify as the problem, even if they're telling you that you're the problem.
• 18:44
  Remind yourself.
• 18:45
  No, I decided ahead of time, how I was going to show up and how, what that.
• 18:50
  And what that would look like for me to show up in my own integrity.
• 18:53
  And I checked those boxes and I did it well, and I'm proud of me.
• 18:58
  And they had an emotional response and I'm going to let them own that.
• 19:02
  All right.
• 19:03
  So if this sounds familiar, remember to like, and subscribe and Hey, come and work with me.
• 19:08
  I would love to work with you.
• 19:10
  As I said, I have six week packages.
• 19:12
  My clients are always coming and going, and my schedule for next month is filling up quickly.
• 19:16
  So make sure that you contact me, click the link in the show notes.
• 19:21
  Click the link in the show notes to apply to work with me.
• 19:23
  And, yeah, let's talk soon.
• 19:25
  All right.
• 19:25
  I hope you have a great week.
• 19:26
  Bye now.