Latest / NO FILTER / EMILIE KISER EXCLUSIVE_ The Loss That Changed Her Forever(MP3_160K)_1

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EMILIE KISER EXCLUSIVE_ The Loss That Changed Her Forever(MP3_160K)_1 · NO FILTER

0:03
Speaker 1: I got a phone call from my husband that our
0:06
Speaker 1: sun trick had fallen in the pool.
0:09
Speaker 2: And that he wasn't breathing. Our whole world fall apart.
0:17
Speaker 1: There is no way to describe to someone what it's
0:20
Speaker 1: like losing a child. We did not think we would
0:23
Speaker 1: make it through that.
0:27
Speaker 3: Hey, everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place you
0:30
Speaker 3: come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. You know,
0:34
Speaker 3: the thing that's most important to me is sharing real
0:36
Speaker 3: stories that allow individuals to express their journeys, express their challenges,
0:42
Speaker 3: express the lives that they've lived in a way that uplifts, inspires,
0:47
Speaker 3: and most importantly, heals all of us. Today I get
0:50
Speaker 3: to sit down with Emily Kaiser. Emily has invited so
0:54
Speaker 3: many people into her life with honesty, warmth, and openness,
0:58
Speaker 3: and over the past year, she's walked for a life
1:00
Speaker 3: altering experience, one that reshaped her world in ways no
1:04
Speaker 3: one is ever prepared for. Please welcome to on Purpose,
1:08
Speaker 3: Emily Kai's Emily, so wonderful to.
1:10
Speaker 2: Meet you, you too, I'm really grateful to be here.
1:13
Speaker 3: Your energy since you walked in this morning is so
1:15
Speaker 3: warm and cozy and comforting, and I felt like I'd
1:20
Speaker 3: known you forever.
1:21
Speaker 2: I appreciate that it was just.
1:23
Speaker 3: So sweet, but I wanted to start off by just
1:25
Speaker 3: asking you, how are you today?
1:26
Speaker 1: I'm nervous, I'm honored to be here. Yeah, I feel
1:31
Speaker 1: I feel okay.
1:32
Speaker 3: What does your normal day to day look like? Right now?
1:35
Speaker 1: I'm a mom, so my priority day to day is
1:39
Speaker 1: taking care of my younger son, Teddy, So my day
1:42
Speaker 1: to day is pretty normal.
1:44
Speaker 2: Wake up, I work out.
1:45
Speaker 1: I try to work out every day just because I
1:47
Speaker 1: know those like good endorphins will help me mentally throughout
1:51
Speaker 1: the day. And I notice a really big difference if
1:53
Speaker 1: I don't do that, and then I kind of just
1:55
Speaker 1: spend the rest of my day with my son and
1:57
Speaker 1: just wherever it leads me. I've learned through a lot
2:00
Speaker 1: of my group journey that I just can't have too
2:02
Speaker 1: many expectations for myself, So I just have to set
2:05
Speaker 1: small intentions and go where the day leads me.
2:08
Speaker 3: Yeah, and what was your intention for coming here today? Like?
2:11
Speaker 3: What was going through your mind to want to come
2:13
Speaker 3: and share now? And today?
2:15
Speaker 1: I have a large platform, and going through what we've
2:20
Speaker 1: been through this past year, just honestly, nothing has felt
2:25
Speaker 1: like an appropriate place to talk about fully in depth,
2:29
Speaker 1: what happened, what our family's been through, just how much
2:33
Speaker 1: we mistrigg how much we love him. It honestly hasn't
2:37
Speaker 1: felt right. And I feel like when you asked me
2:43
Speaker 1: to come, I really felt like, Okay, Yeah, this is
2:46
Speaker 1: like a person that I can sit down with and
2:48
Speaker 1: have a really in depth, meaningful conversation that will hopefully
2:52
Speaker 1: help people spread awareness, help me to maybe heal in
2:56
Speaker 1: a way.
2:57
Speaker 3: Yeah. I really hope that this conversation is healing for
3:00
Speaker 3: all of us and kind and healing for you as well. Yeah,
3:04
Speaker 3: we'll talk about the loss in a moment, but talk
3:06
Speaker 3: to me about what life was like before the loss, Like,
3:08
Speaker 3: talk to me about creating or sharing your life online
3:12
Speaker 3: in twenty twenty one. What did it look like, What
3:15
Speaker 3: was the motivation behind that, What was the inspiration behind
3:18
Speaker 3: all of that?
3:19
Speaker 1: The whole motivation always behind starting social media was honestly
3:22
Speaker 1: that I just needed an outlet. I think that's why
3:25
Speaker 1: a lot of people start. I think that we crave
3:27
Speaker 1: human interaction, human connection. And I had lived in Utah
3:31
Speaker 1: at the time for already about I think maybe three
3:34
Speaker 1: or four years. But when you become a mom, your
3:36
Speaker 1: whole world shifts, your life changes like nothing can even
3:39
Speaker 1: prepare you for that journey. And I was just really
3:43
Speaker 1: deeply craving something to.
3:46
Speaker 2: Fulfill me in a deeper way.
3:48
Speaker 1: Obviously motherhood fulfills me so much, but I felt like
3:51
Speaker 1: I needed like my own thing, and I think that's
3:53
Speaker 1: so healthy and important. And I was like, I think
3:56
Speaker 1: I should just start sharing my day to day like
3:59
Speaker 1: maybe people will relate to that. So I was sharing
4:02
Speaker 1: morning vlogs, day in the life blogs, cleaning blogs, and honestly,
4:06
Speaker 1: it deeply motivated me.
4:08
Speaker 2: I was home alone.
4:09
Speaker 1: Most days with Trig, and so it really just helped
4:12
Speaker 1: me to get out of the house get stuff done.
4:14
Speaker 1: Like that was my motivation, was just connecting with other
4:17
Speaker 1: moms and people.
4:18
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I know our team here are huge fans
4:21
Speaker 3: of yours and they've loved following you. What was your
4:24
Speaker 3: relationship like with your community during that time, Like it
4:26
Speaker 3: feels like you've just it did exactly that. It made
4:29
Speaker 3: people feel connected to you, made people feel less alone.
4:31
Speaker 1: I feel like to me and my community just feels
4:34
Speaker 1: warm and kind, and I feel like I'm just so
4:39
Speaker 1: grateful for my community and how much grace and love
4:42
Speaker 1: they always give me and my family and especially going
4:45
Speaker 1: through what we've gone through. I could have never anticipated
4:48
Speaker 1: the support that I would receive. And it's really always
4:50
Speaker 1: felt that way.
4:51
Speaker 3: When you're so public like you are, and then you
4:54
Speaker 3: go through a loss, everyone feels a part of that
4:58
Speaker 3: journey with you too. I imagine that it's affected the online
5:03
Speaker 3: community yourself. It's almost like you share your life with everyone.
5:06
Speaker 1: I know.
5:07
Speaker 3: I can feel that way sometimes.
5:09
Speaker 1: It's definitely shifted my perspective on my boundaries and how
5:14
Speaker 1: much I choose to share. I don't share my younger
5:18
Speaker 1: son anymore. I have a strict boundary of I don't
5:21
Speaker 1: share Trig anymore. I won't share photos of him, videos
5:24
Speaker 1: of him. It's definitely just shifted a lot of my
5:27
Speaker 1: perspective of As much as I am so grateful for
5:30
Speaker 1: the community, it does kind of give you this perspective
5:33
Speaker 1: of people. I mean, yeah, they don't actually know me.
5:36
Speaker 1: They don't actually know my real life, and it's a
5:39
Speaker 1: hard thing to learn, especially going through what we did
5:42
Speaker 1: so publicly.
5:43
Speaker 2: It really opens your eyes.
5:44
Speaker 3: Could you explain for those who may not know what
5:47
Speaker 3: you went through? Ust may could you share in the
5:50
Speaker 3: best way you feel comfortable sharing that experience?
5:55
Speaker 1: I went out with my friends. I was five weeks
5:59
Speaker 1: post part him and I went out to dinner for
6:04
Speaker 1: a little girl's night out, and about maybe ten minutes
6:11
Speaker 1: after I arrived, I got a phone call from my
6:13
Speaker 1: husband that our sun Trick had fallen in the pool
6:21
Speaker 1: and that he wasn't breathing.
6:26
Speaker 2: And I could hear the pain and the just confusion
6:33
Speaker 2: in his voice.
6:34
Speaker 1: I knew immediately before he even said anything, that something
6:37
Speaker 1: was wrong, and so I rushed to the hospital to
6:43
Speaker 1: be by my son's side, and our life just completely
6:47
Speaker 1: changed that day. And he passed away about a week later.
6:52
Speaker 1: And Yeah, our whole world fell apart.
6:59
Speaker 3: And genuine sorry for your loss. And I can't imagine
7:03
Speaker 3: how much courage it takes to even share that with
7:06
Speaker 3: us today, and the strength that you have being here,
7:09
Speaker 3: And yeah, I can't imagine what that loss feels like.
7:14
Speaker 3: And it's the most hospital heartbreaking thing you could ever hear.
7:20
Speaker 3: And to add on to that, the public nature of
7:23
Speaker 3: your profile and your family and everything else, I can't
7:26
Speaker 3: imagine how much that stress is placed on you and
7:30
Speaker 3: your family and everyone else included, people that are close
7:32
Speaker 3: to you and those that love you. Yeah, what went
7:36
Speaker 3: through your head? At the time and what's been going
7:39
Speaker 3: through your head as you've had time.
7:43
Speaker 1: I mean, your body just goes into fight or flight mode.
7:45
Speaker 1: So I feel like I've just been truly taking it
7:50
Speaker 1: minute by minute, hour by hour and slowly kind of
7:54
Speaker 1: increasing from there. But I mean, the only thing that
7:57
Speaker 1: was going through my mind was just that I wanted
8:00
Speaker 1: him to be okay, that I wanted my old life back,
8:05
Speaker 1: that I wanted him to have his life back. I mean,
8:10
Speaker 1: that's what he deserves. And it's just you can't even
8:14
Speaker 1: describe that feeling of when when your child passes away
8:21
Speaker 1: from a preventable accident, a preventable tragedy. All that's going
8:26
Speaker 1: through your mind is where did I go wrong? Where
8:30
Speaker 1: did we go wrong? How did this happen? Why did
8:34
Speaker 1: this happen? Hindsight is playing in your head twenty four
8:40
Speaker 1: to seven, And.
8:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's terrible.
8:47
Speaker 3: That kind of rumination and kind of just spiraling of
8:53
Speaker 3: all those questions that you just shared and all those thoughts.
8:57
Speaker 3: I'm sure there's it's almost like not even it's not
8:59
Speaker 3: even question of trying to move on. Who are trying
9:01
Speaker 3: to you know, it's it's so it's so kind of
9:05
Speaker 3: all encompassing and all engulfing because it's exactly what you said.
9:10
Speaker 3: You're just wondering about if this, what if? Why not?
9:15
Speaker 1: We had to make so many big decisions in a
9:19
Speaker 1: very short amount of time that no family should ever
9:21
Speaker 1: have to make. And I know that other people will
9:24
Speaker 1: relate to that, and it's it feels impossible. You're truly
9:31
Speaker 1: going second by second because at any moment something could change,
9:38
Speaker 1: or you could be given different news or you know, so.
9:44
Speaker 2: It's just truly just minute by minute.
9:48
Speaker 3: What was the hardest part about that experience that no
9:51
Speaker 3: one sees? Because everyone tries to empathize, Everyone obviously tries
9:55
Speaker 3: to understand, and you can. I always feel like when
9:57
Speaker 3: you haven't been through a pain, you can be empathetic,
9:59
Speaker 3: you can be I'm passionate, you can be theoretically there.
10:02
Speaker 3: But when something happens to you, it's very different than
10:06
Speaker 3: when you observe it through someone else. What's the part
10:09
Speaker 3: of it that no one sees that you've been carrying
10:12
Speaker 3: that that affects you.
10:14
Speaker 1: I mean, just the heartbreak, the miss the love that
10:18
Speaker 1: you have for that person. Nobody can even if you
10:22
Speaker 1: have the most empathy in the world, nobody will ever
10:27
Speaker 1: be able to feel even if they've been in a
10:30
Speaker 1: similar situation. Those are the people who can relate the most.
10:33
Speaker 1: But there is no way to describe to someone what
10:37
Speaker 1: it's like losing a child and what that pain is like,
10:41
Speaker 1: and it feels unbearable. We did not think we would
10:46
Speaker 1: make it through that. It's like you constantly are looking back, like,
10:50
Speaker 1: how how have I done that? How have we done that?
10:53
Speaker 1: How how are we even here?
10:56
Speaker 2: Right now?
10:56
Speaker 1: Time just feels so warped and confused, and I feel
11:01
Speaker 1: like that's I mean, that's the hardest thing that you
11:04
Speaker 1: can't explain to someone, is just what it's actually like.
11:07
Speaker 1: You know, you will never know what it's actually like
11:09
Speaker 1: unless you are going through it. Even you will be
11:13
Speaker 1: surprised by the decisions you make, your thought process your grief.
11:19
Speaker 1: I mean I had even heard similar stories before Trig
11:23
Speaker 1: passed away. I mean, you always sit there with theoreticals
11:26
Speaker 1: of this is how I would handle it, r this
11:28
Speaker 1: is what I would do, and you would literally never know.
11:31
Speaker 1: And it's crazy thinking back that I ever felt that way,
11:35
Speaker 1: or that I ever theoretically felt that way about other
11:37
Speaker 1: people's tragedies, because now I'm like, oh, like.
11:41
Speaker 2: You literally don't know.
11:43
Speaker 3: Either friends passed away or younger friends get diagnosed. We
11:46
Speaker 3: can soa have passed away, And it's been really interesting
11:49
Speaker 3: when you get to that kind of age when people
11:51
Speaker 3: around you are starting to get diagnosed with certain things,
11:55
Speaker 3: and you start learning how as friends you want to
11:58
Speaker 3: be there for each other, by how certain friends don't
12:00
Speaker 3: quite get it. And it comes back down to exactly
12:03
Speaker 3: what you just said. So as humans were so quick
12:05
Speaker 3: to judge someone's experience and how we deal with it,
12:09
Speaker 3: and then when you go through something close to that,
12:11
Speaker 3: you realize how none of that mental faculty or reasoning
12:14
Speaker 3: even comes close to helping you deal with any of that,
12:17
Speaker 3: because the emotion is so strong and so overriding that
12:21
Speaker 3: you don't have that function in your brain that you
12:24
Speaker 3: had before something like that happened.
12:26
Speaker 2: Your brain chemistry literally changes.
12:28
Speaker 3: The hardest thing is your loss and what you're going
12:30
Speaker 3: through in love and the life you had and wanting
12:33
Speaker 3: it back, But then you're also managing this your career,
12:39
Speaker 3: which also has this public perception on it. How did
12:43
Speaker 3: everyone find out and how did that kind of go
12:46
Speaker 3: into the conversation there?
12:48
Speaker 1: When I first got the news that Trigg had fallen
12:52
Speaker 1: in the pool and went to the hospital. I mean,
12:55
Speaker 1: my mind was anywhere anywhere, But what are people going
12:59
Speaker 1: to say? I wasn't even in a mental space. I
13:02
Speaker 1: was only focused on him, and so was our entire family.
13:05
Speaker 1: And I mean the news broke because I think because
13:12
Speaker 1: news cars started showing up, people started putting together that
13:16
Speaker 1: my house was my house. I mean little things I think,
13:18
Speaker 1: like that furniture matched in news video footage, and people
13:24
Speaker 1: started to put together that it was Trig based off
13:27
Speaker 1: of the descriptions that were being given.
13:30
Speaker 2: But I hadn't even thought that far yet.
13:33
Speaker 1: So when I found out that it had become public
13:38
Speaker 1: and that people were wondering what had happened, I mean,
13:41
Speaker 1: we're still wondering what, like what had happened In that moment.
13:44
Speaker 1: I didn't even have details really on what had happened.
13:48
Speaker 1: We were in the depths of just figuring out what
13:52
Speaker 1: Trigg need it and what we could do to help him.
13:56
Speaker 1: That's kind of how it broke, And from there it
13:58
Speaker 1: just became, I mean, a frenzy.
14:01
Speaker 2: To put it.
14:02
Speaker 1: At the least, it was crazy. But I was just
14:06
Speaker 1: so uninvolved in that at the time that it wasn't
14:09
Speaker 1: until after he had passed away that I think I
14:12
Speaker 1: really realized how big it was and how many people
14:16
Speaker 1: were talking about what had happened to him, And what.
14:19
Speaker 3: You're saying makes complete sense that of course, when you're
14:21
Speaker 3: going through something that tragic, you were just present there.
14:23
Speaker 3: Your mind is not anywhere else. Do you ever, in
14:27
Speaker 3: circumstances like this, ever find the answers that even help
14:31
Speaker 3: about what happened and how it felt like do you
14:33
Speaker 3: even get there? Because it almost feels like when these
14:37
Speaker 3: things happen, No, it's almost like there's no answer that
14:41
Speaker 3: can heal or sue or solve because it's just pain.
14:45
Speaker 1: There really is no answer for why it happened. At
14:48
Speaker 1: the end of the day, it happened because there were
14:52
Speaker 1: precautions that we didn't take. I'm a very logical person
14:56
Speaker 1: and I go based off the facts, and that's what
14:59
Speaker 1: I I had to do the entire time that we
15:02
Speaker 1: were in the hospital, getting information everything. And there's no
15:08
Speaker 1: answer for why he's not here. That's some bigger thing
15:13
Speaker 1: or a lesson or anything.
15:16
Speaker 2: There's nothing.
15:17
Speaker 1: It's we should have protected him better, and that's why
15:22
Speaker 1: it happened.
15:24
Speaker 3: What broke my heart beyond learning about your story, as
15:28
Speaker 3: I was preparing for our conversation today and to be
15:31
Speaker 3: with you was some of the reaction online, And of
15:37
Speaker 3: course I want to talk about both because I think
15:40
Speaker 3: the negative always gets more precedents than the positive, and
15:43
Speaker 3: so I want to talk to you about both because
15:45
Speaker 3: I think there was a lot of love and there
15:47
Speaker 3: was a lot of support, and I want to talk
15:49
Speaker 3: to you about that, and I want to hear about that.
15:51
Speaker 3: But the part that broke my heart was to see
15:53
Speaker 3: how when a human sees another human, whether we know
15:57
Speaker 3: you or don't, and for those who follow you, they
16:00
Speaker 3: know you extremely well to already know that someone's going
16:04
Speaker 3: through something that is the worst thing that a parent
16:06
Speaker 3: could ever go through, to then have their own opinion,
16:11
Speaker 3: commentary verdict on it feels heartless and painful in a
16:16
Speaker 3: way that I can't understand why our human mind would
16:21
Speaker 3: even go there. Let's talk about some of the support
16:24
Speaker 3: you felt from people online.
16:25
Speaker 1: When I came back, I honestly was fully preparing myself
16:31
Speaker 1: for any reaction I was possibly going to get. I
16:36
Speaker 1: was just so deeply craving I think a sense of
16:39
Speaker 1: normalcy and when you're grieving and when you go through something,
16:44
Speaker 1: any sort of loss honestly, I think that that's what
16:47
Speaker 1: a lot of us grip onto is how can I
16:49
Speaker 1: find any sense of normalcy in my life to get
16:52
Speaker 1: me through the day. For me, that kind of was
16:56
Speaker 1: starting to slowly return to my job that I love
16:59
Speaker 1: so much, which nothing could have prepared me for the
17:03
Speaker 1: support that I received. I was really just emotional and
17:08
Speaker 1: blown away and just so grateful. And I very often
17:15
Speaker 1: feel very undeserving just because of how sad and honestly
17:21
Speaker 1: guilty I feel, and sad for Trig that he's not here.
17:26
Speaker 1: Sometimes I feel undeserving of like how are we able
17:32
Speaker 1: to still in the best way we can go on
17:35
Speaker 1: with our lives. And I'm just really grateful that I
17:39
Speaker 1: had so many people that were just there for me.
17:43
Speaker 1: My community kind of just said, however, slow you want
17:46
Speaker 1: to take it, whatever you choose to share, you can
17:50
Speaker 1: share it. That's kind of what I prepared myself returning
17:53
Speaker 1: was with the boundaries of I will just share what
17:56
Speaker 1: I'm comfortable with, because I would rather be ripped upon
18:00
Speaker 1: or for what I don't share, and for not sharing
18:04
Speaker 1: enough then share too much of the pain in the
18:08
Speaker 1: heartbreak and the thoughts that I go through every day,
18:12
Speaker 1: and be judged for that.
18:15
Speaker 2: It's just it's too much.
18:17
Speaker 3: I appreciate you sharing the added layer of the emotional
18:23
Speaker 3: toll of experiencing loss, then experiencing grief getting support, but
18:30
Speaker 3: then actually feeling guilty and a little bit of shame
18:33
Speaker 3: to even experience that support. And it's the emotional toll
18:36
Speaker 3: of all of those extremely difficult emotions to carry all
18:40
Speaker 3: at the same time. It's all the time that's really
18:43
Speaker 3: heavy for you to, you know, just to hold all
18:45
Speaker 3: of those at the same time.
18:47
Speaker 1: I think people look at grief as stages or at
18:51
Speaker 1: some point it's going to end, the pain is going
18:53
Speaker 1: to end.
18:53
Speaker 2: We look at grief as this finish line.
18:55
Speaker 1: I feel like for a lot of people, I grieved
18:57
Speaker 1: for this amount of time or I was sad for
18:59
Speaker 1: this amount of time, and then that's not how it works.
19:02
Speaker 1: It's it's never ending. Your grief is going to be
19:04
Speaker 1: with you for the rest of your life. And very
19:07
Speaker 1: early on, we had so many amazing health professionals that
19:11
Speaker 1: helped us because we would not have even gotten too
19:15
Speaker 1: the mental place we are in now without those people.
19:19
Speaker 1: And I feel like, even though it was such a
19:23
Speaker 1: wait to hear at that time of this is never
19:26
Speaker 1: gonna go away. Like we're going through the darkest thing
19:28
Speaker 1: we could ever possibly go through, and we just lost
19:30
Speaker 1: our child.
19:31
Speaker 2: He's never coming back.
19:33
Speaker 1: And to hear that you're gonna feel this forever was
19:38
Speaker 1: it's it feels impossible. You're like, okay, so it's never
19:43
Speaker 1: gonna get better. I'm never gonna feel But that's when
19:46
Speaker 1: the other lessons come in of everything is going to
19:49
Speaker 1: coexist with the grief. You could feel joy and feel
19:52
Speaker 1: so much sadness at the exact same time. You can
19:55
Speaker 1: feel support while also feeling guilty.
19:59
Speaker 2: You can feel.
20:01
Speaker 1: Sad while also feeling reminiscent on the memories. So many
20:07
Speaker 1: feelings co exist, and that is forever. And I feel
20:11
Speaker 1: like the longer I have gotten into my grief journey,
20:14
Speaker 1: even though I'm not very far in it at all
20:16
Speaker 1: in the grand scheme of things, the more I've just
20:18
Speaker 1: really learned that that is how I have to go
20:21
Speaker 1: through my life. Of just I am allowed to feel whatever.
20:24
Speaker 1: Brady is allowed to feel whatever, my family is allowed
20:27
Speaker 1: to feel whatever.
20:28
Speaker 2: But it can all co exist. But the grief is
20:31
Speaker 2: never going away.
20:33
Speaker 3: You're completely right that that belief that we all have,
20:36
Speaker 3: or this hope that we all have that there's a
20:38
Speaker 3: finish line, there's an endpoint, there's a turning point for
20:42
Speaker 3: moments like this. You're absolutely right, there is none. And
20:46
Speaker 3: that's the hardest thing and the most helpful thing in
20:49
Speaker 3: one because it's almost lying to ourselves, are lying to
20:54
Speaker 3: help others. Saying it will go away one day is
20:56
Speaker 3: actually worse because then you're just waiting for that day. Yeah.
20:59
Speaker 1: Or the stage of grief, you hear that all the time. Oh,
21:01
Speaker 1: there's stages of grief. Stages of grief were designed. And
21:05
Speaker 1: I actually learned this from Joeyannekatchatori, who's a doctor that
21:10
Speaker 1: we went to like very early on. We went to
21:12
Speaker 1: a few of her She owns a care farm kind
21:16
Speaker 1: of like a grief place for parents who have gone
21:19
Speaker 1: through child loss. And she just basically said, plain and simple,
21:23
Speaker 1: that's designed for elderly people who are at the end
21:27
Speaker 1: of life, of the stages of accepting that your life
21:30
Speaker 1: is going to end. That is not made for parents
21:32
Speaker 1: who have lost their child, because there are no stages.
21:35
Speaker 2: It is never ending.
21:37
Speaker 1: You could be in one stage at some point and
21:40
Speaker 1: then at the next point you're in the complete opposite stage,
21:44
Speaker 1: and you just have to accept that you have to
21:46
Speaker 1: feel what you feel when it comes, and that is
21:50
Speaker 1: just how you have to go about it.
21:52
Speaker 2: Forever.
21:52
Speaker 3: You said that there was a part of you that
21:54
Speaker 3: obviously took a break obviously after all of this, and
21:59
Speaker 3: the only reason you and backwards to experience some normalcy
22:02
Speaker 3: and you know, just getting into some routine and rhythm
22:05
Speaker 3: for your life, which is always encouraged, and when people
22:07
Speaker 3: go through difficult things to feel just like you're moving
22:11
Speaker 3: your body, You're you know, helping yourself, You're going back
22:15
Speaker 3: to doing things that felt familiar. How hard was it
22:19
Speaker 3: to even go back to doing that.
22:21
Speaker 2: We were.
22:24
Speaker 1: I mean obviously barely able to get out of bed,
22:27
Speaker 1: barely able to get up and brush our teeth.
22:32
Speaker 2: I was.
22:32
Speaker 1: We were not in a position to even take care
22:34
Speaker 1: of our younger child. I'm so grateful for the support
22:38
Speaker 1: and the family we had around us, because we just
22:42
Speaker 1: could not have done it. I mean when we were
22:44
Speaker 1: first going through it, and I was five weeks postpartum,
22:50
Speaker 1: so I wasn't even in a headspace to get into
22:57
Speaker 1: a routine at all. I was still trying to get
22:59
Speaker 1: used to having two kids. My dad was actually who
23:03
Speaker 1: came to me and was like you got to move
23:05
Speaker 1: your body. My stepmom actually teaches pilates on the side,
23:08
Speaker 1: and he would just have her come over and help me.
23:12
Speaker 2: I would go on walks.
23:14
Speaker 1: But even at that beginning, when we first lost him,
23:18
Speaker 1: we weren't even leaving our house because we had people
23:20
Speaker 1: driving by taking videos, helicopters going over our house, news
23:26
Speaker 1: were showing up constantly. I was basically just in my
23:29
Speaker 1: home and I didn't want to be anywhere else in
23:32
Speaker 1: terms of I just want to be in my bed.
23:34
Speaker 1: At that time, it felt impossible to get back into
23:37
Speaker 1: any sort of routine. But then at some point I
23:40
Speaker 1: think I felt like I don't have any other choice,
23:43
Speaker 1: Like I have to. I have to be the best
23:47
Speaker 1: version of myself that I can manage right now, for Trig,
23:52
Speaker 1: for my younger son Teddy, for myself, for Brady, like
23:57
Speaker 1: I have to.
23:58
Speaker 2: It's not a choice.
24:00
Speaker 3: I've never had that experience around what you're saying around
24:02
Speaker 3: the news teams and the helicopters and the is there
24:05
Speaker 3: a sense of like setting boundaries in that way, like
24:07
Speaker 3: can can you be like don't come? It feels so invasive,
24:10
Speaker 3: like it just feels it's almost like this is a
24:13
Speaker 3: really tough tragic time for someone, and I just I
24:17
Speaker 3: don't understand why that would you know, It's Yeah, it's
24:20
Speaker 3: fascinating to me as humans have normalized that.
24:23
Speaker 2: I think I've really.
24:27
Speaker 1: Mentally blocked out so much of that because I was
24:33
Speaker 1: just so focused on what we were dealing with inside
24:37
Speaker 1: of our home that my mind wasn't even really there.
24:43
Speaker 1: But I think back in I had PTSD pretty much
24:48
Speaker 1: from so many things. But hearing helicopters still go over
24:52
Speaker 1: my house, I'm constantly like, Oh, is that going to
24:55
Speaker 1: end up on the news.
24:57
Speaker 2: It was completely invasive.
24:59
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25:02
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25:33
Speaker 3: your free can in store so you can feel better
25:36
Speaker 3: and live better. When people talk about or commentate on
25:40
Speaker 3: events that they don't have the full details over or
25:43
Speaker 3: the actual insight over from the inside, what were the
25:47
Speaker 3: kind of things you were hearing that were hurtful and
25:51
Speaker 3: kind of dehumanizing to some degree as well? Because when
25:53
Speaker 3: someone's far away from the problem by commentating on it
25:56
Speaker 3: without understanding it, what were the things that you were
25:59
Speaker 3: hearing or that you saw that really affected you.
26:02
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, it's hard hearing anything
26:07
Speaker 1: that beats you up more than you're already beating yourself up.
26:11
Speaker 2: Nobody could say.
26:14
Speaker 1: I really try to not focus on the negative because
26:18
Speaker 1: nobody could say anything. And I've heard a lot of
26:21
Speaker 1: things to Brady and I that would make us feel
26:25
Speaker 1: any more hurt than how we already feel not having
26:29
Speaker 1: him here.
26:32
Speaker 2: Nothing.
26:34
Speaker 1: When you lose your child, you really don't care about
26:40
Speaker 1: anything else besides doing your best to get through it.
26:46
Speaker 1: And there's not even us through it. You don't get
26:48
Speaker 1: through it doing your best to move forward. I guess
26:52
Speaker 1: caring for your family. Like I said, I have a
26:55
Speaker 1: younger son, so that was also just a huge and
26:58
Speaker 1: stays a huge motivation for me.
27:01
Speaker 2: I have to keep going for him.
27:03
Speaker 1: I mean, just nobody could say anything that would ever
27:06
Speaker 1: hurt us more than we're already hurting. But it's hard.
27:09
Speaker 1: Obviously I'm a human. It's hard to hear people make
27:13
Speaker 1: their own assumptions, their own conclusions, draw their conclusions about Brady,
27:18
Speaker 1: draw their conclusions about me as a parent. But the
27:21
Speaker 1: end of the day, I just have to remember that
27:23
Speaker 1: these people don't know me, and they're never going to
27:27
Speaker 1: know me on a deep level, because that's impossible. Nobody's
27:29
Speaker 1: ever going to know you on the deepest level as
27:32
Speaker 1: the people who love you and truly know your heart
27:35
Speaker 1: and know you. And I think, if anything, I find
27:40
Speaker 1: kind of peace in that of the people who know.
27:44
Speaker 2: Us know us.
27:48
Speaker 1: That's really the only people you genuinely need in your
27:50
Speaker 1: life and that you need to understand you is the
27:53
Speaker 1: people who know you and love you. And everyone's entitled
27:57
Speaker 1: to their opinion. I think that's a hard lesson. I've
27:59
Speaker 1: had to learn so much. At the beginning, I felt
28:02
Speaker 1: so much anger towards the public, and I mean I
28:06
Speaker 1: still do. I think I have every right to, but
28:09
Speaker 1: I also put myself in the shoes of Unfortunately, I
28:13
Speaker 1: would probably do the same thing and have assumptions and
28:16
Speaker 1: have opinions and have thoughts about what happened. And naturally,
28:21
Speaker 1: I think it's natural human reaction to want to put
28:23
Speaker 1: blame on someone.
28:25
Speaker 2: It's the only.
28:26
Speaker 1: Way that you can come up with a logical reason
28:31
Speaker 1: of why it happened or how it happened is to
28:34
Speaker 1: place blame. And I think in some ways it makes
28:36
Speaker 1: people feel better. I mean, I can't fully blame people.
28:42
Speaker 3: The part that really connected or resonated at least with
28:45
Speaker 3: me was this idea that you're already being yourself up
28:49
Speaker 3: enough inside, and you're already hurting enough inside that there's
28:52
Speaker 3: nothing anyone could say to you that could supersede that
28:55
Speaker 3: personal blame and personal responsibility or pain that you're putting
29:00
Speaker 3: on yourself when you've gone through something like you have,
29:02
Speaker 3: and that what else would you like people who may
29:06
Speaker 3: be filling in the gaps with their own commentary or
29:10
Speaker 3: as you said, allowed to have their opinion, and what
29:14
Speaker 3: would you like to say? What would you like them
29:15
Speaker 3: to know from your perspective?
29:19
Speaker 1: I could say a list of things that I wish
29:21
Speaker 1: people knew, or a list of things that I feel
29:25
Speaker 1: like we're said wrong or assumed wrong or facts, but
29:29
Speaker 1: it just really doesn't matter. I feel like all that
29:33
Speaker 1: matters that I want people to know is just how
29:36
Speaker 1: much we love Trick and how much we miss him,
29:41
Speaker 1: and how trust me, we beat ourselves up every day
29:47
Speaker 1: we know what we could have done differently. Hindsight really
29:52
Speaker 1: is twenty twenty, and I promise you there are so
29:56
Speaker 1: many things now looking back that I wish we did differently.
30:00
Speaker 1: The only thing I can do to honor Trig and
30:05
Speaker 1: to show my love for him is take care of
30:09
Speaker 1: Teddy and hopefully help to spread awareness and do my
30:15
Speaker 1: best to make it so that hopefully less families have
30:20
Speaker 1: to go through what we've gone through. I would love
30:23
Speaker 1: to say that I can do my best to make
30:26
Speaker 1: sure this never happens again, but drowning is the leading
30:28
Speaker 1: cause of death in children three and under. I feel
30:32
Speaker 1: like there's groups of people who hear about it often,
30:35
Speaker 1: but it's not talked about enough, and I really want
30:39
Speaker 1: to make an effort, Especially going into this year, and
30:42
Speaker 1: especially being where I am in my grief journey of
30:46
Speaker 1: I feel a little more ready. I think I've finally
30:48
Speaker 1: accepted that this is what took his life. I really
30:52
Speaker 1: just want people to know that this is preventable and
30:56
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to happen to you, And I mean
30:59
Speaker 1: that for so many preventable accidents. That's what I really
31:03
Speaker 1: think matters, that people need to know. There's nothing I
31:06
Speaker 1: can say that's going to change people's minds, and I'm
31:09
Speaker 1: not here to do that.
31:10
Speaker 3: When you say two q eight months to even accept
31:12
Speaker 3: that this was what tragically took his life, what were
31:16
Speaker 3: you wrestling with? What were you grappling with and what
31:18
Speaker 3: to accept that? What does that look like?
31:20
Speaker 2: I don't think I'll ever.
31:24
Speaker 1: Fully accept what happened to him, because although it was preventable,
31:30
Speaker 1: it just feels so cruel, and especially that night, in
31:34
Speaker 1: the way things happened, it really felt just like a
31:38
Speaker 1: series of you know, you play it back and you're like,
31:44
Speaker 1: how did I go wrong there? And why did I leave?
31:47
Speaker 1: And why did this happen? Why did that happen? It's hindsight.
31:51
Speaker 1: You go back and you replay and think what could
31:53
Speaker 1: I do differently? What could I change? I just think
31:56
Speaker 1: that's kind of the process. You just have to go
31:59
Speaker 1: through that, just replaying it, to be honest, just over
32:04
Speaker 1: and over again. Thinking about all the things that we
32:07
Speaker 1: could have done differently, thinking about the things that we
32:09
Speaker 1: will do differently. And I don't really know if I
32:15
Speaker 1: have an answer for how you accept it. I think
32:17
Speaker 1: everybody does it in their own time. But I don't
32:20
Speaker 1: think I'll ever really accept that he's gone. I don't
32:22
Speaker 1: think I'll ever really accept what took his life because
32:26
Speaker 1: it is just so terrible and the pain that he
32:29
Speaker 1: went through is so terrible.
32:33
Speaker 2: But I'm just doing my best.
32:35
Speaker 1: And like I said, I don't think I'll ever fully
32:38
Speaker 1: accept it, but I acknowledge it, and I know that
32:43
Speaker 1: I can just only do better from here.
32:46
Speaker 3: What kind of professionals did you go to? What did
32:49
Speaker 3: they talk about for people who may be going through
32:52
Speaker 3: something similar or struggling or listening right now? And I
32:58
Speaker 3: think we're not even aware of the fact of how
33:01
Speaker 3: many people are suffering with something similar. We're not conscious
33:04
Speaker 3: of it until it happens within your proximity. What were
33:08
Speaker 3: some of the therapies, the methods or the healing practices
33:15
Speaker 3: and approaches that actually helped.
33:17
Speaker 2: When we.
33:20
Speaker 1: First lost Trig, pretty much immediately within about two weeks
33:26
Speaker 1: of us getting home, it was very quickly my family
33:30
Speaker 1: found out through other people who had suffered through child loss,
33:33
Speaker 1: which I'm so grateful for the amount of resources that
33:36
Speaker 1: even though they weren't directly reached out to me because
33:38
Speaker 1: I was not on my phone, I was not on
33:40
Speaker 1: social media, I didn't even have a phone, just for
33:43
Speaker 1: our mental health of like, you do not need to
33:45
Speaker 1: look at anything, You need to just focus on yourself
33:48
Speaker 1: and your family. We immediately after about two weeks, went
33:52
Speaker 1: to the care form that I was kind of mentioning,
33:55
Speaker 1: and they use animal therapy, just basically interacting with animals.
34:02
Speaker 1: You speak with health professionals while you're there, licensed therapists,
34:05
Speaker 1: licensed doctors. They're not there to heal you. Nothing's going
34:09
Speaker 1: to be able to heal you. They're there so that
34:12
Speaker 1: they can teach you the best tools. And I feel
34:15
Speaker 1: like that's where I really learned that it's never going
34:19
Speaker 1: to go away, that I have to just coexist with
34:23
Speaker 1: this forever, that the pain, the hurt, the heartbreak is
34:26
Speaker 1: never going to go away. It's just going to hopefully
34:29
Speaker 1: become a little more manageable. And I can't shout out
34:33
Speaker 1: my family enough. They truly are what have carried us
34:37
Speaker 1: through this. They got us in with therapists, great grief
34:41
Speaker 1: therapists that specialize in loss and child loss. We're in
34:46
Speaker 1: couples counseling weekly. We've just been doing as much work
34:50
Speaker 1: as we can because there was nothing else we could do.
34:53
Speaker 1: I give so much credit to anybody who works in
34:57
Speaker 1: that space, because I cannot imagine the weight that they carrie,
35:00
Speaker 1: hearing the amount of things that they do, the heartbreak,
35:04
Speaker 1: the stories. I've talked to my husband about this before.
35:09
Speaker 1: Of I cannot imagine two parents coming into you telling
35:12
Speaker 1: you what they've been through and you having to try
35:17
Speaker 1: your best to either guide them together or help them
35:22
Speaker 1: heal a little bit, talk them through it, or if
35:25
Speaker 1: they choose to be a part, helping them through that
35:27
Speaker 1: in an amicable way. That has to be one of
35:30
Speaker 1: the hardest jobs. Yeah, you guys are doing really important work.
35:36
Speaker 3: Did you meet and spend time with other parents who
35:38
Speaker 3: had also gone through child loss? Was that helpful? Was
35:41
Speaker 3: that not helpful? Was it did it feel too close
35:44
Speaker 3: to home?
35:44
Speaker 1: Like I've had a couple moms that I've talked to
35:47
Speaker 1: that have been through some similar things, and that has
35:52
Speaker 1: been helpful. But at the same time, I think that
35:57
Speaker 1: really unless you talk to someone that is going through
36:02
Speaker 1: the exact same thing.
36:05
Speaker 2: At the level of exposure that we did. It really
36:09
Speaker 2: just felt like.
36:10
Speaker 1: There's nobody to talk to who is going to relate
36:13
Speaker 1: to what I'm going through right now, what we're going through,
36:15
Speaker 1: what Trig went through. Like I just it really felt impossible.
36:19
Speaker 1: And so I really haven't gotten to a point yet
36:22
Speaker 1: where I've reached out to support groups. But in the future,
36:25
Speaker 1: when I feel like a little bit more time has passed,
36:29
Speaker 1: I think I would feel more ready to do that.
36:30
Speaker 3: What does a good day look like right now? A
36:32
Speaker 3: good day your definition of one, and what does a
36:36
Speaker 3: bad day look like right now? When you're experiencing this grief.
36:39
Speaker 1: I honestly don't really define my days by if it's
36:43
Speaker 1: a good day or a bad day. I truly, like
36:47
Speaker 1: I cannot stress enough that when you're going through child
36:50
Speaker 1: loss or you're going through loss in general, you're really
36:53
Speaker 1: just living minute by minute. I can't even think about
36:57
Speaker 1: my whole day when I wake up in the morning.
36:59
Speaker 1: I truly just go through it like, Okay, I'm gonna
37:03
Speaker 1: get done what I can get done today.
37:04
Speaker 2: I'm gonna do what I can do.
37:05
Speaker 1: It's kind of two scales your grief is on a
37:07
Speaker 1: scale of one to ten, and then your level of
37:10
Speaker 1: managing it is on a scale of one to ten.
37:12
Speaker 1: If my grief feels like an eight that day, but
37:15
Speaker 1: my level of managing is a ten, that's a good
37:19
Speaker 1: ish day for me. If I'm having more moments throughout
37:22
Speaker 1: the day where I just can't do what I need
37:25
Speaker 1: to do, I'm okay with that too. But I would
37:28
Speaker 1: say just every day I truly wake up like, whatever,
37:31
Speaker 1: however this day goes, whatever is thrown at me, I'll
37:34
Speaker 1: get through it, and I literally just have to take
37:38
Speaker 1: it as it comes, not even.
37:39
Speaker 3: Sure just how much you know how powerful that advice is.
37:43
Speaker 3: It's so much better than our basic acknowledgment of whether
37:49
Speaker 3: it's a good day or a bad day, because what
37:50
Speaker 3: you just said is the reality of okay, grief is
37:54
Speaker 3: on a scale of one to ten of how much
37:56
Speaker 3: the extremity I'm feeling it, and then what's my ability
37:58
Speaker 3: to manage it.
38:00
Speaker 1: It's not good and bad days, it's good and bad moments,
38:02
Speaker 1: and that's what makes up your days. Every day is hard.
38:05
Speaker 1: Every day is quote unquote bad without him here, it's terrible.
38:10
Speaker 1: But I still have good moments in my day and
38:15
Speaker 1: I would be lying if I said that I don't
38:17
Speaker 1: still have some joy and some happiness, like my younger
38:21
Speaker 1: son brings me so much joy and so much happiness,
38:25
Speaker 1: but I'm also simultaneously sad and empty. And that's why
38:29
Speaker 1: I just say, you really have to learn, and you
38:32
Speaker 1: quickly do learn that everything co exists.
38:35
Speaker 2: And that's just the way it is.
38:36
Speaker 3: Sharing your life, sharing your journey, sharing everything online is
38:40
Speaker 3: your work, even though it may be joyful and fun
38:43
Speaker 3: in moments that it's still work. What has it been
38:46
Speaker 3: like going back to work while still grieving, and what
38:49
Speaker 3: do people misunderstand about that.
38:52
Speaker 1: I've had to set kind of, like I said at
38:54
Speaker 1: the beginning, a lot of boundaries of just really take
39:00
Speaker 1: it day by day of whatever I'm comfortable sharing, I'll share,
39:04
Speaker 1: and if I'm not comfortable, I'm not sharing it. And
39:07
Speaker 1: it's hard seeing people genuinely say, oh, you're fine, Oh
39:13
Speaker 1: you've already gotten over it. Oh you seem like you're
39:17
Speaker 1: doing great. It's like, this is my job. I'm going
39:21
Speaker 1: through it like a job. At any job, you have
39:23
Speaker 1: to show up, you have certain expectations that have to
39:26
Speaker 1: be met. And it's also a creative outlet for me
39:29
Speaker 1: so naturally, sometimes when I'm doing my job, I am
39:32
Speaker 1: in an okay headspace and I'm just doing my best
39:35
Speaker 1: to kind of distract myself and get through it. But
39:39
Speaker 1: that is not a representation of my whole day or
39:44
Speaker 1: my grief. Social media shouldn't be anyone's representation of anything,
39:49
Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, it's always even
39:52
Speaker 1: if you share the good, the bad, the hard, it's
39:54
Speaker 1: what you're choosing to share. Always, unless someone had a
39:57
Speaker 1: twenty four hour camera go knowing you'll just never understand
40:03
Speaker 1: what it's like inside someone's brain who's lost a child. Yeah,
40:09
Speaker 1: I also can't fault people for that because you're seeing
40:12
Speaker 1: what I'm choosing to show you. And so I really
40:15
Speaker 1: do accept in a way, and it's taken me time,
40:19
Speaker 1: the hate that I get, the feedback that I get,
40:21
Speaker 1: because I don't expect people to understand. They never will understand.
40:26
Speaker 1: I would rather share quote unquote not enough in their eyes,
40:29
Speaker 1: or I would rather look quote unquote not sad enough
40:32
Speaker 1: or whatever their expectation is and feel like I'm protecting
40:36
Speaker 1: myself and my family and my inner, deepest, darkest parts
40:40
Speaker 1: of my grief and save that for the people. The
40:43
Speaker 1: professionals that are truly going to understand and be able
40:46
Speaker 1: to walk me and talk me through it and support me.
40:48
Speaker 3: People on social media can't be a therapist and can't
40:51
Speaker 3: be your guides and can't be and they shouldn't be. Yeah,
40:54
Speaker 3: it's not their role. Yeah, exactly what you just said.
40:56
Speaker 3: It's a great mindset to have to understand that that's
40:59
Speaker 3: not there land and that there are people that you're
41:02
Speaker 3: seeing in order to experience that. And at the same time,
41:05
Speaker 3: I do really really wish for the world that, especially
41:09
Speaker 3: in moments that are not divisive, it's easier to be kinder.
41:14
Speaker 3: We've talked about you being someone who's gone through extreme loss,
41:18
Speaker 3: grief and going through guilt shame. Then there's the added
41:22
Speaker 3: component of your work. But then there's the added component
41:25
Speaker 3: of parenting while you're also grieving the loss of a child.
41:30
Speaker 3: Talk to me about that particular type of grief.
41:33
Speaker 1: I've gone through so many different emotions with parenting since
41:40
Speaker 1: we lost Trig and just being completely honest, feeling not
41:45
Speaker 1: good enough, feeling unfit, feeling like.
41:51
Speaker 2: Feeling scared.
41:53
Speaker 1: Losing a child really shows you, in the scariest, most
41:58
Speaker 1: real way possible, just how quickly life can change and
42:03
Speaker 1: how quickly life can be literally taken away, and I
42:08
Speaker 1: think that really scared me.
42:10
Speaker 2: With Teddy.
42:12
Speaker 1: There's so many things in my control that I can do,
42:15
Speaker 1: preventative measures, I can take, ways I can be better.
42:19
Speaker 1: I mean, there's a list of things as a parent
42:20
Speaker 1: that you can do to protect your children. But there's
42:24
Speaker 1: also so many stories and stories that I heard after
42:27
Speaker 1: we lost Trigg where I was like, that was completely
42:33
Speaker 1: freak accident, not preventable, and that's an element that's been
42:37
Speaker 1: hard and parenting him is realizing that there's only so
42:40
Speaker 1: much I can control. I always tried to remind myself
42:44
Speaker 1: that I have a choice to make.
42:48
Speaker 2: I can either let this.
42:52
Speaker 1: Completely derail me more than it already has and not
42:58
Speaker 1: really feel like I'm or able to take care of
43:01
Speaker 1: my younger son, or I can do everything in my
43:04
Speaker 1: power to be the best mom I possibly can for
43:07
Speaker 1: him and give him the same love that Trigg had
43:14
Speaker 1: and has. And I made a promise to Trig right
43:18
Speaker 1: before we lost him that I was going to take
43:20
Speaker 1: care of Teddy. That was actually like my final promised
43:24
Speaker 1: him was like I will take care of your brother,
43:26
Speaker 1: because at that time I felt like I couldn't. It
43:29
Speaker 1: really just was too much it I couldn't even take
43:33
Speaker 1: care of myself. But that has kept me going of
43:38
Speaker 1: I made a promise. I'm going to fulfill it, and
43:41
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give Teddy the best life I possibly can,
43:44
Speaker 1: and that means showing up for him, showing up for myself,
43:50
Speaker 1: doing everything I possibly can to make sure that that happens.
43:56
Speaker 1: This is actually something that did make me really sad
43:59
Speaker 1: when we lost Triggs. So many people naturally said, oh,
44:04
Speaker 1: Teddy's going to have such a terrible life. He's never
44:07
Speaker 1: going to have the same parents that he did. So
44:11
Speaker 1: many comments, and it's true, he's never going to have
44:14
Speaker 1: the same parents Trick has. We are fundamentally changed by this,
44:19
Speaker 1: but I will be even better, And I think I
44:22
Speaker 1: almost took that as motivation of I will give him
44:26
Speaker 1: the best life I possibly can. I will be the
44:29
Speaker 1: best mom I possibly can to him.
44:32
Speaker 3: I'm so sorry to go through that as well. I
44:35
Speaker 3: really love what you're saying. You were accepting that you
44:39
Speaker 3: will be that you are fundamentally different, but that doesn't
44:43
Speaker 3: mean you can't be better and can't give more love,
44:46
Speaker 3: and those two things again can coexist. That you have
44:49
Speaker 3: changed that you are different, that you won't ever be
44:52
Speaker 3: the same person that you were before naturally, but that
44:55
Speaker 3: doesn't take away from the fact that you absolutely love
44:58
Speaker 3: Teddy and want to give him the best life that
45:00
Speaker 3: he could possibly have. When I was thinking about today
45:04
Speaker 3: and thinking about a conversation, I was just thinking about
45:06
Speaker 3: all the multiple layers of lost grief pain that exists
45:11
Speaker 3: in someone's experience, And I think the other part of
45:14
Speaker 3: pain for you is having to go through grief while
45:18
Speaker 3: someone else is grieving too. Talk to me about how
45:22
Speaker 3: it feels for you grieving while the person that you're
45:27
Speaker 3: parenting with is also grieving.
45:32
Speaker 1: We've really done our best to grieve together and to
45:41
Speaker 1: talk through every emotion and every feeling, and I really
45:47
Speaker 1: give pretty so much.
45:55
Speaker 2: Empathy and respect.
46:00
Speaker 1: I have so much respect for him, honestly, and I
46:02
Speaker 1: think that would maybe shock people, but he has allowed
46:07
Speaker 1: me to take out every emotion I've had throughout this process,
46:12
Speaker 1: whether it's on him or talking to him or with
46:17
Speaker 1: other people, and I just have so much respect for
46:21
Speaker 1: that of how much he has just let me feel
46:24
Speaker 1: every emotion and he's never made me feel bad for it.
46:27
Speaker 1: He's going through so much as well, and like I said,
46:32
Speaker 1: we are the only two people that can understand at
46:35
Speaker 1: all what the other person is going through. And so
46:39
Speaker 1: I just really in a situation where a lot of
46:42
Speaker 1: people would say I could never forgive my husband, I
46:46
Speaker 1: could never stay married to him, I could never this
46:50
Speaker 1: that the other He let me feel all of those emotions.
46:54
Speaker 1: It's been really hard at times to grieve together. To
46:59
Speaker 1: be honest, there was a time where I was just
47:04
Speaker 1: I mean from the beginning, so I felt so angry
47:08
Speaker 1: at him.
47:09
Speaker 2: Of literally, I don't.
47:10
Speaker 1: Know if I will ever forgive this man. But I
47:15
Speaker 1: think the biggest thing that really kind of altered literally
47:19
Speaker 1: my brain chemistry and the way I thought about it
47:22
Speaker 1: was this could have just as easily happened to me.
47:27
Speaker 1: This could have just as easily been me and Brady's position.
47:31
Speaker 1: Brady was taking care of our newborn child when I
47:35
Speaker 1: left for dinner that night. He was dethawing my breast milk,
47:40
Speaker 1: trying to get Teddy settled, five week old baby. And
47:44
Speaker 1: that doesn't excuse anything. It doesn't excuse what happened, It
47:46
Speaker 1: doesn't excuse any of the series of events after that.
47:50
Speaker 1: But taking that accountability, along with all the other things
47:54
Speaker 1: I know, I could have changed, gave me so much true, deep, real,
48:00
Speaker 1: raw empathy for him. Of this could have been me,
48:04
Speaker 1: even if I got to a point where I could
48:06
Speaker 1: not stay married to him, even if I accepted that,
48:09
Speaker 1: of if there is a chance that we don't stay together.
48:12
Speaker 1: This was when we first lost Trigg, that I felt
48:14
Speaker 1: this way I would be able to forgive him because
48:19
Speaker 1: I would so deeply want him to forgive me and
48:23
Speaker 1: to know that I didn't mean for it to happen.
48:26
Speaker 1: And that's exactly how I feel for Brady. I really
48:28
Speaker 1: just have so much empathy and love for him, and
48:31
Speaker 1: he is so strong, and I'm really proud of us honestly,
48:35
Speaker 1: and how we've grieved together through all the therapy we've
48:39
Speaker 1: done that I feel like we've really been given tools
48:42
Speaker 1: that even though our grief is so separate, we have really.
48:46
Speaker 2: Done our best to come together.
48:48
Speaker 1: And even if we grieve separately at times, and we
48:51
Speaker 1: each have our moments, because I think that's healthy too.
48:53
Speaker 1: You naturally don't sit and really all the time grieve
48:56
Speaker 1: with your partner. You do, but there's so many moments
49:00
Speaker 1: throughout the day where you guys are feeling different emotions.
49:03
Speaker 1: Ones at a ten, ones at an eight, and it's
49:06
Speaker 1: not each other's job to balance it out. Your job
49:09
Speaker 1: is to let your partner feel what they need to
49:11
Speaker 1: feel and then be there for them through every emotion.
49:15
Speaker 1: And I'm really proud of us that I feel like
49:17
Speaker 1: we've done that and just done our best truly to
49:23
Speaker 1: really remember that all we have is each other in
49:27
Speaker 1: terms of understanding what we've been through and how much
49:31
Speaker 1: we love and miss him.
49:33
Speaker 3: Thank you for being so transparent about the reality of
49:38
Speaker 3: every emotion that any human would feel naturally in that situation,
49:42
Speaker 3: and even the resolution that you've personally come to where
49:46
Speaker 3: it being the respect and the empathy and the understanding
49:49
Speaker 3: you've got such a big hut. It just goes such
49:52
Speaker 3: a big heart. It's actually really extremely healing listening to you,
49:56
Speaker 3: because it's something we're all working on in our own
49:58
Speaker 3: way with the people closer to us. You're just working
50:01
Speaker 3: on it in the most extreme way. I'm happy and
50:04
Speaker 3: thankful that you feel that way with each other, and
50:07
Speaker 3: that you've been able to express every feeling and be
50:11
Speaker 3: every version of yourself and even allow yourself to have
50:15
Speaker 3: the thought of can I forgive? Is this going to work?
50:19
Speaker 3: And then finding resolution through that and I'm assuming that
50:24
Speaker 3: there's been times when you've needed to rely on each other,
50:27
Speaker 3: as you said, because you're the only ones who can understand,
50:29
Speaker 3: and times when you've needed to rely on family.
50:32
Speaker 1: Beyond that, my husband really is the only person, one
50:36
Speaker 1: of the only people besides licensed professionals, that I really
50:41
Speaker 1: feel comfortable feeling every emotion of grief. I think that's
50:48
Speaker 1: natural because we raise Trig, we love him with every
50:53
Speaker 1: fiber of our being. That's the only possible person that's
50:56
Speaker 1: going to understand the love and the mist and the
50:59
Speaker 1: hurt and the heart break in the void of losing
51:03
Speaker 1: your child, And so naturally we have the most deep,
51:09
Speaker 1: profound emotional conversations with each other because it's usually us
51:15
Speaker 1: coming together about how much we miss him, or a
51:18
Speaker 1: memory that made us think of him that day, or
51:21
Speaker 1: just all the conflicting emotions of what happened and what
51:25
Speaker 1: we've been through and the feelings that we feel. I
51:28
Speaker 1: would hope and I think I'm the same way for him.
51:32
Speaker 1: Is we're really the only two people that we feel
51:34
Speaker 1: like we can truly be open and vulnerable with on
51:40
Speaker 1: that level every day.
51:42
Speaker 3: Have you found that helpful to talk about Drigg naturally
51:45
Speaker 3: whenever he comes to both of your minds, and.
51:46
Speaker 2: Now I love to talk about him.
51:48
Speaker 1: It obviously makes me sad, but he truly was and
51:54
Speaker 1: is such a light. And although so many people get
52:01
Speaker 1: the literal honor of meeting him, anyone he came across
52:06
Speaker 1: in his life. I mean, we still have his teachers
52:09
Speaker 1: reach out to us and they're like, we love him
52:11
Speaker 1: so much, and this reminded us of him today, and yeah,
52:16
Speaker 1: it's really helpful. I from the beginning, Brady and I
52:19
Speaker 1: told our families like, I never want a world and
52:24
Speaker 1: I never want Teddy to grow up in a world
52:26
Speaker 1: where this is an avoided conversation because even though it's
52:31
Speaker 1: a hard conversation and it leads to a bigger conversation,
52:34
Speaker 1: I'm sure Teddy's gonna have so many questions as he
52:36
Speaker 1: gets older. I never want a world where people don't
52:42
Speaker 1: talk about him. And I feel the same way for
52:46
Speaker 1: sometimes negativity talked about us surrounding him. Of if you're
52:53
Speaker 1: talking about him and you're spreading awareness, really that's all
52:57
Speaker 1: that matters to me. I just don't want him to
53:00
Speaker 1: ever be forgotten, and he won't be.
53:04
Speaker 2: And having daily.
53:05
Speaker 1: Conversations in our house I've added so many photos around
53:09
Speaker 1: our house of him because I just want his face
53:12
Speaker 1: to be everywhere, and I don't want it to ever
53:13
Speaker 1: be something that Teddy or anybody is ever questioning what
53:17
Speaker 1: he looks like or who he is. We've really made
53:22
Speaker 1: an effort that he's constantly brought up. My friends know
53:26
Speaker 1: it too. If I see something that reminds me of him,
53:28
Speaker 1: I'm always like, oh, my gosh, Trick would have loved that,
53:30
Speaker 1: or this is what he would be saying, because he
53:32
Speaker 1: really just was such a funny kid and so loving and.
53:38
Speaker 2: Just the best. And I know everyone says that about
53:40
Speaker 2: their kid, but he was just the best.
53:44
Speaker 3: When you lose someone you so deeply love, what a
53:49
Speaker 3: for you? Hurtful things people say and what a helpful
53:53
Speaker 3: things people say.
53:54
Speaker 2: It's a good question.
53:55
Speaker 3: So I think when people lose someone, no one knows
53:57
Speaker 3: really what to say.
53:59
Speaker 1: I think one of the most hurtful and confusing things
54:03
Speaker 1: people can say is anything in the realm And everyone
54:06
Speaker 1: has their own beliefs, but anything in the realm of
54:09
Speaker 1: He's in a better place, or this is just what
54:13
Speaker 1: was supposed to happen, because it wasn't it was preventable.
54:17
Speaker 2: It wasn't supposed to happen.
54:19
Speaker 1: The best place he could be is here with his family,
54:22
Speaker 1: with his little brother growing up.
54:25
Speaker 2: That's the best place he could be.
54:27
Speaker 1: I think that's always hurtful and people kind of use
54:30
Speaker 1: it as a band aid of like he's in a
54:32
Speaker 1: better place.
54:33
Speaker 2: It's okay, No, he's not. This is a child that.
54:36
Speaker 1: Had an entire life ahead of him, so many memories,
54:40
Speaker 1: so many things that he was looking forward to, we
54:43
Speaker 1: were looking forward to. He didn't get to experience yet.
54:45
Speaker 1: So saying that to any parent who's gone through child loss,
54:48
Speaker 1: at least in my experience, is just very hurtful and unhelpful.
54:53
Speaker 1: That's the last thing a grieving parent wants to hear.
54:56
Speaker 1: All you want to hear when you lose your child
54:59
Speaker 1: is I'm so sorry, and he deserves to be here
55:04
Speaker 1: or they deserve to be here.
55:05
Speaker 2: And I wish you.
55:07
Speaker 1: Weren't having to go through this, and I wish he
55:09
Speaker 1: hadn't gone had to go through this. That's the only
55:12
Speaker 1: the only things that they don't help, but they make
55:15
Speaker 1: you feel loved and comforted.
55:17
Speaker 3: Emily, why have I not asked you today that you
55:19
Speaker 3: wish I did?
55:20
Speaker 2: The main thing?
55:21
Speaker 1: I hope people can take away from what Trick went
55:25
Speaker 1: through and what our family went through, is just once
55:27
Speaker 1: again that it's preventable to please. If you have a
55:32
Speaker 1: pool and you have a young child, get a pool fence.
55:35
Speaker 1: I know there's other options. I was there.
55:39
Speaker 2: I chosen that. I regret it.
55:43
Speaker 1: Having as many barriers to entry is what's important. So
55:47
Speaker 1: that's swim lessons, that's ISR lessons. I have Teddy starting
55:52
Speaker 1: ISR as soon as he possibly can.
55:55
Speaker 3: What is ISR sorry for.
55:56
Speaker 1: It's swim training for young children so that they can
56:00
Speaker 1: learn survival techniques, whether that's floating on their back, if
56:03
Speaker 1: they're too young to be able to swim.
56:05
Speaker 2: They usually teach them at.
56:06
Speaker 1: Fully closed so that they if they're in any situation,
56:09
Speaker 1: they can figure it out. And it just gives them
56:12
Speaker 1: the resources that there's time, there's more time for someone
56:16
Speaker 1: to confind them. The biggest lesson is always going to
56:20
Speaker 1: be watch your kids. Don't take your eye off them.
56:23
Speaker 1: I don't care what anybody says, that's not one hundred
56:25
Speaker 1: percent realistic.
56:26
Speaker 2: Every parent gets distracted.
56:28
Speaker 1: Every parent has things that naturally you could be going
56:33
Speaker 1: to the bathroom that you have a moment where your
56:35
Speaker 1: eyes and on your child. Make sure that you have
56:38
Speaker 1: every other barrier so that God forbid something happens, you're
56:42
Speaker 1: able to act and they're not in a position where
56:48
Speaker 1: they can lose their life. And I really feel like
56:51
Speaker 1: that is the most important thing I hope people take
56:55
Speaker 1: away from what happened to Treg is just to please
56:58
Speaker 1: protect your kids.
57:00
Speaker 3: Any reasons why I wanted to speak today, one was
57:03
Speaker 3: to truly get to understand what you've gone through and
57:06
Speaker 3: to expand our compassion and heart and empathy towards you
57:11
Speaker 3: and love towards you. And also just this wonderful service
57:18
Speaker 3: that you have and purpose that you have to want
57:20
Speaker 3: to make people aware, using your loss and pain that
57:24
Speaker 3: you've gone through to actually help others and keep them aware.
57:27
Speaker 3: And I think is really really powerful that you've chosen
57:33
Speaker 3: to do that. A loss like this can make you
57:35
Speaker 3: want to be one hundred percent vigilant and one hundred
57:40
Speaker 3: percent like just never leave you know, Teddy's side in
57:44
Speaker 3: this scenario, And obviously that's not only not realistic, it's
57:47
Speaker 3: not possible.
57:49
Speaker 1: Obviously that's best case scenario. That's the whole point of
57:53
Speaker 1: any any sort of prevention or barriers or anything. I mean,
57:58
Speaker 1: I'm specifically talking about Pauls. But that's not the only
58:01
Speaker 1: thing that can hurt children, that can affect them. That's
58:07
Speaker 1: actually a tool that you can use in your favor
58:09
Speaker 1: is knowing and being honest with yourself, honestly of there
58:14
Speaker 1: is no possible way for me to always have my
58:16
Speaker 1: eye on them. And I know people might take that
58:19
Speaker 1: and be like, no, I have my eye on my
58:22
Speaker 1: child one hundred percent of the time.
58:24
Speaker 2: I don't know.
58:25
Speaker 1: You might think you do, But there's always lapses in judgment.
58:28
Speaker 1: There's always things that distract us in life. There's always
58:31
Speaker 1: things that can happen. And that's that's the biggest lesson
58:34
Speaker 1: is even if you think it will never happen to you,
58:38
Speaker 1: it can happen to you.
58:40
Speaker 2: It can. None of us are special.
58:43
Speaker 1: None of us can control little, tiny choices and things
58:50
Speaker 1: that can make up the whole picture. It's hard when parenting.
58:54
Speaker 1: I did feel that, and I do feel that still.
58:58
Speaker 1: Of never want to take my eye off of him,
59:02
Speaker 1: and I will do my best everything in my power
59:06
Speaker 1: to make sure I am always there when.
59:09
Speaker 2: He needs me. But as a parent, you just can't.
59:14
Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to go to work or leave your
59:19
Speaker 1: child in someone else's care, and I mean, the only
59:22
Speaker 1: thing you can do is trust, trust that you've done
59:25
Speaker 1: everything you can, they'll do everything they can. And I
59:29
Speaker 1: mean that's been a hard thing for me to process
59:31
Speaker 1: because it does feel, especially in those first few months,
59:38
Speaker 1: especially of I'm never I can't leave his side. But
59:43
Speaker 1: I also just have realized over time that's not realistic,
59:47
Speaker 1: it's not healthy, and I just have to trust that
59:51
Speaker 1: I'm going to do everything I can. I do know
59:54
Speaker 1: a mom who went through a very similar situation. About
59:58
Speaker 1: a month after we lost Trig, I talked to her
1:00:00
Speaker 1: for the first time and I asked her, are you
1:00:04
Speaker 1: so scared of water? Are you so scared of the pool?
1:00:09
Speaker 1: And her answer shocked me that she was like, no,
1:00:13
Speaker 1: because I know that I will do everything I possibly
1:00:18
Speaker 1: can to make sure that that never happens again. And
1:00:21
Speaker 1: that just kind of again just rewired me where I
1:00:24
Speaker 1: was like, as much as you wish this never happened,
1:00:27
Speaker 1: as much as you're constantly overthinking everything you could have
1:00:30
Speaker 1: done differently, that's all you can do is change, be better,
1:00:34
Speaker 1: make sure it doesn't happen again. Same with other parents
1:00:37
Speaker 1: who they're not even going through it, they're bystanders or
1:00:39
Speaker 1: they're hearing about the story. That's all you can do
1:00:42
Speaker 1: is make sure it doesn't happen to you, because it can.
1:00:44
Speaker 1: And when it does happen to you, that's really what
1:00:46
Speaker 1: makes you realize, Oh, this stuff can happen, and it
1:00:51
Speaker 1: does happen all the time. I mean, it will still
1:00:54
Speaker 1: scare you, but instead of letting that deter you, let
1:00:57
Speaker 1: it motivate you. That you know it can happen, So
1:01:02
Speaker 1: do everything you can, fight like hell to make sure
1:01:04
Speaker 1: that it doesn't happen again. Make sure that you have
1:01:08
Speaker 1: your kids in the swim lessons. Make sure that you
1:01:09
Speaker 1: have a pool fence, make sure that you have a
1:01:11
Speaker 1: sensor in your pool, make sure that you have door alarms,
1:01:13
Speaker 1: make sure that you have automatic closers on your sliding doors,
1:01:18
Speaker 1: make sure the handles are high up enough. Do everything
1:01:21
Speaker 1: you can so that it doesn't happen again.
1:01:23
Speaker 3: Genuine I'm just so sorry for your loss, and also
1:01:26
Speaker 3: just not only did Trig not deserve it, you didn't either,
1:01:29
Speaker 3: and neither did your family. And so I really hope
1:01:34
Speaker 3: that parents who listen to this will share it with others,
1:01:37
Speaker 3: and people who want to be parents will be thoughtful
1:01:40
Speaker 3: about these things and really thankful that you're using your
1:01:44
Speaker 3: voice and the challenges and struggle you've been through to
1:01:47
Speaker 3: help out because it's so important, it's so needed. So
1:01:51
Speaker 3: thank you, Emily, thank you so much.
1:01:52
Speaker 2: Thank you for giving me the platform.
1:01:54
Speaker 1: You have a larger platform than I do, and I'm
1:01:57
Speaker 1: really grateful that I'm able to be here and talk
1:02:00
Speaker 1: about all of these really important things because I really
1:02:03
Speaker 1: do just hope it will get across more people and
1:02:07
Speaker 1: we'll be on their radar. And yeah, I'm just I'm
1:02:11
Speaker 1: really grateful that you had me here and that I
1:02:13
Speaker 1: got to talk to you. I was excited to talk
1:02:16
Speaker 1: to you and just kind of hear your perspectives on
1:02:18
Speaker 1: different things.
1:02:19
Speaker 4: And yeah, the beautiful lessons you've given us today and
1:02:24
Speaker 4: how grief never really goes away, how grief can coexist
1:02:29
Speaker 4: with joy, with love, with reminiscing, and how you want
1:02:35
Speaker 4: to continue to celebrate the light that triggers and continues
1:02:39
Speaker 4: to be in all the people that knew him and
1:02:42
Speaker 4: all the people that will continue.
1:02:44
Speaker 3: To know him through his story. Yeah, and so thank you, Emiie,
1:02:47
Speaker 3: thank you, thank you so much.
1:02:49
Speaker 5: If you connected with today's episode, check out my raw
1:02:52
Speaker 5: and honest talk with the One and Only Cardi B.
1:02:56
Speaker 5: She opens up about overcoming depression and how she balanced
1:02:59
Speaker 5: rising fame and creating a life for her children.
1:03:02
Speaker 2: Well, you can tell me i'm a bad mom. I'm
1:03:06
Speaker 2: a great mom if I'm
1:03:07
Speaker 3: Good at something as being a mom