Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #383 Creating Boundaries

Transcript

#383 Creating Boundaries · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: But what happens is when you can't regulate your emotions,
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: you also struggle to regulate your behavior. If your emotions
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: are big and lousy and out of control, your behavior
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: just follows.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: Gooday. This is doctor Justin Coilson, the author of six
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: books about raising happy families and the founder of happy
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot I you. I'm here with Kylie. Hi, Kylie, Hello,
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: wife and mum to our six kids. And for those
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: of you who are new to the podcast, because my goodness,
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: we're getting a lot of new followers and listeners lately.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Kylie and I've been married for since the late nineteen nineties.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to do the maths. I know the date,
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: but I'm not going to do the maths because well,
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: should we give that personal information now? It was in March,
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: and it was in the very very very late nineteen nineties.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: How oh gosh, was it ninety eight? It was ninety eight?
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: It was ninety seven, No, it was ninety eight. What
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: year was it? I bet you don't know, You bet,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, what year
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: was it?
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: Well, we had our first child in ninety nine.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Right, you're looking at me like that should tell me
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: what I need to know. It was definitely ninety eight
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: because she was born late in the year. It was
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: definitely ninety eight. Okay, So there we go. So that's
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: hang on. So now I've got to do the maths
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: twenty three years twenty we're nearly at twenty four years.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcasts. For those of you are knew,
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: So six more sleeps, uh huh, old till the TV
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: show till November one. That's exactly what guidance comes up.
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: And parental guidance is causing a little bit of a stir.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: One, which I don't know how it can be because
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: nobody's seen it yet, but the promo does make it
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: look a lot more provocative than I think that it's
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: going to be. I think it's going to be something
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: that gets people talking.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: Well, one of your staff members actually sent through something
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  Speaker 3: that Richard Hunwick is the director of Sales, Television and
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: Radio at Channel nine. He wrote on his LinkedIn account.
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  Speaker 2: Really yes, oh okay, he said.
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  Speaker 3: The next show that will have Australia talking parental guidance,
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: not a copy of something else. It's not an All
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  Speaker 3: Stars version. It's new and compelling. I got to see
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: the first episode and it's a cracker, something that makes
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: you shout at the TV before wiping a tear from
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: your eye.
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  Speaker 2: Oh got goosebumps.
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  Speaker 3: Just here, controversial without any villains, touching, confronting, and at
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: times hilarious. A show for anyone who has kids or parents.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: I love that this one will have everyone talking. Can't
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: wait to see this one. Allie Langdon is brilliant and
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: doctor Justin calls and wait for it is going to
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: become a star one to watch November.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: I can't believe you. So I agree with everything except
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: that last sentence. Not interested in that. But I love
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: what he said. Just show that to me, you hang
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  Speaker 2: on it. So I love what he said. Here controversial
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: without any villains. This is so a lot of people
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: have been on social media kind of keyboard worries, we
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  Speaker 2: can't watch this show. This is exploited, blah blah blah.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: Obviously the promo I've definitely made it feel like there
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: was some serious tension between.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: Well there is some tension, but that's because we're talking
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: about parenting and people care about it a lot. But
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: I love what he said, controversial without any villains, because
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: they're all great parents and they're brave and they're having
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: tough conversations. I cannot wait for this show. I've got
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: goosebumps just thinking about it. So how many six more sleeps?
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: Six more sleeps?
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Awesome, and the kids are.
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: Already getting the popcorn stash ready.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: I love how he said it's going to make you
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  Speaker 2: shout at the TV before wiping a tear from your eye,
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: because I can't tell you how many times I got
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  Speaker 2: weepy sitting in that studio and having these beautiful, powerful
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: conversations with people. Well the primo showed you're an ewek
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  Speaker 2: Oh the promo made me cry, I know. Anyway, we
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  Speaker 2: hope that if you're in Australia at least you can
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: watch this. For those of you who are overseas, I'm
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: not sure if or when you'll be able to see it,
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  Speaker 2: but I reckon it's going to be so successful that
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: people will do a show like this overseas and copy
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: it because and like you said, it's not a copy
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: of something else. It's a brand new idea, so people
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: are going to love. It's on Monday night, Monday, the
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: first of November. Parental Guidance on Channel nine. Yeah, really
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: really cool stuff. Every Tuesday, we talk parenting and we
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: answer your parenting questions. If you've got parenting questions, you're
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: welcome to send them through to us podcasts at happy
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: families dot com dot au and Kylie. What's our question today?
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  Speaker 3: Well, Bron and Dan asked, how do we teach our
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: two year old boundaries?
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  Speaker 2: Okay, stop right there, you don't that's not a fair answer,
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: but yeah, carry on, carry on.
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  Speaker 3: We try to keep our expectations in check and only
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: sweat the stuff we need to. But time in doesn't
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  Speaker 3: seem to be working. We take him to his cot
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  Speaker 3: to keep him in one place and chat with him
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  Speaker 3: about what's happened, but he just bounces around, not really listening.
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  Speaker 3: He just doesn't seem to be learning that throwing plates
• 4:49
  Speaker 3: of food across the room and tackling the dog, which
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: has led the dog to growling and nearly biting him
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  Speaker 3: is just not okay and not safe. What else can
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  Speaker 3: we be doing to help him understand these boundaries? Obviously,
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: we are very hypervigilant around the dog situation.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: Now, tackling two year old tantrums and behavior regulation with
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: a two year old is really, really tricky. We're going
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: to address exactly how we can manage that. Right after
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: the break.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy families
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: dot com dot Au. It's the Happy Families Podcast, the
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers now,
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: and today we are tackling toddlers and behavior regulation.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: Okay, so my first response to this, and I know
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: it's going to sound like I'm trying to flog some
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: some merch or something like that, because I've got a
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: webinar called Little People, Big Feelings and anyone who's got
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: little kids and is struggling with the way those kids
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: behave It's in the Happy Families shop at happy Families
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: dot com dot Au. Oh, by the way, brand new
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: website launches today. Very excited about that. So if you
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: jump into the Happy Family's website and have a look
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: at Happy Family, do you in the shop you will
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: find Little People, Big feelings that webinar will change your life.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: I cannot tell you how much extraordinary feedback we've had
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: from that. But in the webinar I talk about, I mean,
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: two year olds don't listen, is what Bron and Dan
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: said in their email, And how do we get him
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: to listen? And they're right, yeah, they are. I mean
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  Speaker 2: they don't listen and they won't and even if you
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  Speaker 2: tell them stuff, it's still not going to actually sink
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  Speaker 2: in because they're two, and it's kind of developmentally, their
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: brain just isn't at the point yet where this stuff
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: is going to genuinely truly sink in. So what we
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  Speaker 2: know from research is that emotional regulation, the big tantrums,
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: the big outbursts, they don't really get a handle on
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  Speaker 2: that for another couple of years. And really, I mean,
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  Speaker 2: we know some adults that can't regulate their behavior too well.
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  Speaker 2: So we can't be too hard on a two year
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  Speaker 2: old or three or old a four year old who's
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: having a big moment emotionally. But what happens is when
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  Speaker 2: you can't regulate your emotions, you also struggle to regulate
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  Speaker 2: your behavior. If your emotions are big and lousy and
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: out of control, your behavior just follows because you don't
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: have the capacity to hold one thing together, let alone
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  Speaker 2: the other. One follows the other.
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  Speaker 3: And this goes back to that theory of mind that
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: you talked about.
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  Speaker 2: Well, that was what I was about to say, doctor.
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  Speaker 3: Doctor's desk last week, just this acknowledgment that your child,
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: your two year old, is having this big emotion because
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: they can't understand why you don't see the world the way.
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  Speaker 2: They see it exactly, and when you're seeing the world
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  Speaker 2: differently to them, and they they don't know how to
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  Speaker 2: regulate their emotions and behaviors. They're in Ambition is zero,
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  Speaker 2: like they just they throw plates and they see some
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: they see an opportunity like his the dog, and there's
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: no inhibition, there's no regulation. They're like, this looks like fun,
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  Speaker 2: so they tackle the dog, or they do whatever it
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  Speaker 2: is that's upsetting you. They break things, they pull things apart,
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  Speaker 2: they strip their clothes off and run naked around the house,
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: and they do it because they're completely uninhibited, because they
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  Speaker 2: just don't know and understand, And you're going to feel
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: as you try to work with the two year old
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  Speaker 2: like you're not making any meaningful progress because for the
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: most part, you kind of not. They don't have the capacity.
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to make it seem hopeless, and I
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  Speaker 2: don't want you to feel helpless and just throw your
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  Speaker 2: hands up, because there are things that you can do
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  Speaker 2: to help them.
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  Speaker 1: Well.
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  Speaker 3: They learn through repetition, they do so consistency is so important.
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  Speaker 2: But let's be really clear about this repetition and consistency thing.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so glad you raised it. Think about how many
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: times you have to show a child how to do
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: up shoelaces.
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  Speaker 3: I'm trying to just remember how many times I've had
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  Speaker 3: to tell you to put your socks okay in the
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: dirty washing basket?
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  Speaker 1: And how old are you?
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  Speaker 2: Doctor Justin Pulson, I can't believe she did that. So
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: you try to teach them how old are you? Before
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: they can write their name. We only had one child
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: who could write her name at a very young age,
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  Speaker 2: and that was Lily. And that's because we've spelt her
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  Speaker 2: name l I L L I, just like I can't
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  Speaker 2: cuttle L L L five straight lines straight down. One
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  Speaker 2: of them has got a couple of dots, A couple
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: of dots Brittian, and she would get the dots in
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  Speaker 2: the wrong place anyway as well. It's like I'm going
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  Speaker 2: to do this. So when you think about these basic
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: physiological tasks that have very very low levels of complexity,
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: like putting shoes on or doing up a button or
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: writing your name, and it takes our kids four or
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: five six years to learn how to do those kinds
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: of things. To get them to do the psychologically complex
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: stuff like regulate their behavior, regulate their emotion, speak and
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: use their words when they're feeling emotional, this is really big,
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  Speaker 2: really complex stuff. It requires a huge amount of neurological development,
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: and that neuro development doesn't happen until they're getting older,
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: until they're maturing, they've got their l plates on.
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  Speaker 3: We talk about the fact that the English language is
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: one of the most complex languages to learn, right, and
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: our children learn to talk and speak.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that that takes three years.
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: That's huge, right, Yeah, And then there's this whole other
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: world outside of the English language called emotion and all
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: of the challenges that are around that. It's such a
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: massive space for our kids to navigate.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and they just want stuff. So that's the theory
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: that's to help broaden and down understand why their two
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: year old is so hard to deal with and so
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: hard to manage. The question, though, really is how do
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: we get them to listen and learn, and let's be honest,
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: be compliant, like just play by the rules a little bit.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: Every now and again. When I use the word compliance
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: with kids, there's a bunch of people who get up
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: in arms and legs. It's not about compliance, and it's like,
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: but in the real world, parents really just want their
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: kids to be compliant, to listen and to follow some
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: basic instructions, and it kind of is like we need
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: to socialize them so that they do the right thing.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: If throwing plates is a problem in your house, then
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: my suggestion is that I would just take the plate away.
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: I take it out of the equation. So we've done
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: this plenty of times with our small kids when plates
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: were ending up on the floor. I just used to
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: put the food straight onto the high chair.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and a two year old's not going to use
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: a knife for fork, so just put it straight on
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  Speaker 2: the table. Orstrotomy.
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: And you know, people will say, but they just throw
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: the food on the floor that way.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: But they don't throw as much food on the floor.
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: So then I limited what I put on the high chair. Yes,
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: if food is just going to end up on the floor,
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: then they only get one noodle at a time, or
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: you know, one pasta piece or whatever it is.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: But the other thing to think about, just with the
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: food situation is don't expect a two year old to
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: feat themselves. Spend the time and do the airplane flying
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: into their mouth or the chuchu train here, it comes
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: cho open up here, it comes to train, it's going
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: to come in your mouth. You want to do that
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: sort of stuff because that keeps them and attained. There's
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: a little bit of distraction, there's a whole lot of
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: connection and bonding that goes on. It's about building the
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: relationship and this is going to help. Now if you've
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: got a child who's tantruming, though, and their emotions are
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: really big, there's other things that we need to do.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: Time in is not working, but that's because we're talking
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: about a two year old who doesn't listen and that's
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: pretty standard. So I reckon we need to be helpful
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: here as well.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: For Brom and Dan, she's not suggesting by any stretch
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: that there's tantrums going on. There's just an acknowledgement that
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: there's behavior that is unwanted.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: And a lack of listening and compliance.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: So you've said it already, but it bears repeating when
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: it comes to two year olds. And I usually hear
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: this from parents of children from about the age of
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: eighteen months. In these early toddler and preschool this age range.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: Because they're now walking, because they're mobile, and because they
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: are actually able to talk in various levels of capacity,
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: we start treating them as adults, but they're not. We
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: start treating them as.
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: As big children and kids.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and they're not. So I think number one, we've
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: just got to be really consistent, keep giving them the
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: same message. It's life on repeat, and it will be
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: for a couple of years. Yet takes them a long time.
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: They've got their learner plates on and they're just trying
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: to figure this out and it's going to take a while. Gentle, gentle, clear, consistent.
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: Messaging, understanding our children's development and what is actually developmentally
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: appropriate for us to expect, yeah, and then changing our expectations.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: It is perfectly normal that a two year old is
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: going to throw their food. Yeah, that's normal two year
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: old behavior.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: You talk to any parent and this is Actually, what
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: I'd recommend as well, Bron and Dan, I'd have a
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: chat with other people who have got children around about
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: the same age and say do your kids do this?
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: And then everyone's just going to crack up. They're going
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: to laugh and they're like, oh do they ever? And
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: they also do this, Oh, house do too.
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: It's not on the floor, it's on their head.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that they wear their food they don't. And
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: I think the other thing to bear in mind here
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: is that when you're raising a two year old or
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: a three year old, when you're dealing with toddlers, you
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: you do best when you adjust your mindset and your
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: expectations and when you pretty much just sort of say
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: to yourself, okay, so what's really going to happen here
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: is we're going to have stuff on the floor, We're
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: going to have mess on the windows. We're going to
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: have two baths a day because there's going to be
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: food in the hair and food in all sorts of
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: places that food doesn't belong. And this is kind of
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: what life will be for a short time.
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: It's messy. And I think you know the thing that
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: got us through is having a camera. Yeah, having a
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: camera ready out on hand because there is going to
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: be some beautiful photos show on their twenty first birthday
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: and a sense of humor.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we just got it.
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: We really need to lighten up as parents, not have
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: such big expectations of what our children will and won't do,
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: and just enjoy enjoy the process.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, don't push it, don't force it. I
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: know that this is probably not the news that anyone
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: of any parent of a toddler wants to hear. Like
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: You're like, no, no, but I want things to be better.
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: I want my house tied in, I want my child
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: to be well kept. And it's I mean, you can,
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: you actually can, but it's not healthy for you and
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: it's not healthy for them. And what we really want
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: to encourage.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: Is just a big dose of patience.
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: We really hope On and Dan that this has been
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: helpful and for any parent of any toddler. We would
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: love your feedback. How's it going for you? Podcasts at
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: Happy families dot com dot au. Happy Families podcast is
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: our executive produce and if you'd like more info about
• 15:02
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