Latest / DidiLawren / Is Changing Your Last Name After Marriage a Tradition or Patriarchy?

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Is Changing Your Last Name After Marriage a Tradition or Patriarchy? · DidiLawren

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome back to my channel.
• 0:01
  My name is Lorenzo defect and this is bansal Orencia.
• 0:05
  So for today's episode, I want to talk about changing names
• 0:10
  after marriage, now, talking about last names.
• 0:13
  So there was a social media post, somebody made a post on
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  Facebook talking about his friend who got married if he's
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  been married for two years and one of the issues that Opted,
• 0:30
  their separation was the fact that the wife refused to change
• 0:35
  her last name. So, according to him, he thought
• 0:39
  that was not supposed to be, you know, a problem because in
• 0:42
  Africa, traditionally the woman is there was supposed to be an
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  IT discussion like she has to change his mandated to change
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  her name as soon as she marries the man.
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  She is supposed to Take the mind the month last name.
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  So what happened in this situation was that the woman was
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  already established in her, you know, maiden name, she had
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  businesses share, social media pages with her name and she was
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  like, thinking if I had to change my name attitude, like
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  change everything else. Sometimes the search engine will
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  not even recognize that I am still the same person.
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  People will be searching for me with my You know, name not
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  knowing that you have gotten married and I've changed my name
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  just because of marriage. So the lady refused to change
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  our name. After marriage and for two years
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  she and her husband were having this you know back and forth
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  conversation. Change your name.
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  No I would not cheat me by name because of my branding because
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  of this because of that and the money is like you have to take
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  my name. So after two years the whole
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  thing came to a halt. They separate Decided, you know
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  what? This is no longer working.
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  If you're not committed 100% into this marriage, by taking my
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  last name, then I don't think you are fully into the whole
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  marriage. So that was how I do.
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  My was like, listen, I have my businesses, I have things that
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  I'm doing. I cannot just put everything on
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  hold or just change everything and lose my potential customers
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  because Would already know me. My still know me but because
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  maybe somebody has recommended me.
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  And that person is searching with my name and because I've
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  changed my name, they were not even, I may lose potential
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  customers and this whole search engine issue is going to be a
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  problem for my business. The man was not understanding
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  that, and that was how they separated.
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  So, this person sharing that story on Facebook was like, can
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  we come to an agreement? Like, is this really a deal
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  breaker? Now this story happened a couple
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  of weeks ago so I read it and I'm like these people should
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  have sorted. This this is not really a
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  problem. As far as far as I'm concerned
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  like they should have had that understanding, you know, before
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  getting married so I was just sitting there minding my
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  business when a friend called me and said they want me to weigh
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  in on an issue going on, I was like, okay what's you know, is
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  the problem and according to her, a friend of hers who is
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  engaged planning a wedding, she is also a social media
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  influenza, she had different businesses that she's doing with
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  her name her Need and they sat down with the husband.
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  She was telling the husband that she's not going to take his last
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  name or officially like if they're going for events.
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  That let me say the name is mr. And mrs.
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  Cafe or something like that. So she is saying that she's
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  happy to be called mr. And mrs.
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  Rucastle bought for her businesses and our social media.
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  She is not going to officially change.
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  Change her name. So this world when you were
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  doing, they are planning marriage, you know?
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  These are things that I am happy.
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  That they won't have that discussion even before marriage
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  because I was thinking on the other story like this is
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  something that they should have talked about before marriage.
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  But these are people discussing this before marriage and it is
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  even there is an issue like the both of them could not agree.
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  So the lady was like, seeking advice on how to so, you know,
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  manage the situation because the man is saying that for the
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  wedding to go ahead, she must change her name, and she was
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  like saying that, let's say, I am bringing in the baking
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  because of what I do, because of my brand name, because of my
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  brand influence because of this because of that, I kind of just
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  come into this relationship and change the whole my whole
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  identity because of marriage and And the man is saying like Okay,
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  that means you're not committed to this, you don't want people
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  to know that you're married, you don't want people to know that,
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  you know, I am your husband. You don't want to acknowledge
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  me, don't want to acknowledge my family name, so they were saying
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  they were asking me. You know, what do I think I
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  couldn't? I was first of all I was happy
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  that they were having a conversation because it is
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  better to have that before marriage and resolve that by
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  moving forward. Or by just going your separate
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  ways before getting married, and then potentially divorce in two
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  years down the line. So, I told my friend.
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  Can you just call her? You know, let's talk about this
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  is better for us to the three of you instead of me telling you to
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  go on, tell her. So we had a three-way call.
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  And I was like, why exactly is he?
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  Because he knew who you were, he searched for you.
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  He knew that. Okay, this is your name.
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  This is your brand. This is what You doing.
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  So why is he asking you to change your name?
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  And she said, well in his family, I mean in Africa, it's a
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  traditional thing for the women. Once you're married to take the
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  last name of your husband, that is not even no questions asked,
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  regardless of your whatever you have to do that.
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  Like that is a sign of respect a sign of acceptance.
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  Just you don't even have to argue about that.
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  So the money saying that let's say, this is the tradition, this
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  is what my family, my uncle's, my older ones that got married.
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  They are wife took on the last name, so you must do the same
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  thing. She is trying to explain to him
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  that those are the ones that got married.
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  They don't have a brand name. They don't have like, an
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  established in that they are doing, that people know them
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  for. So I think Think she said the
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  conversation went left from there.
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  He was, she he was saying that she was disrespecting, his
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  family. She was thinking that she is,
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  you know, all of the and she is not.
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  So very having serious issues. So she was contemplating on,
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  just a green to take the last name and then maybe after
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  marriage. You would refuse to do that.
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  So I said, listen, I had two screenshots that Story that I
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  read a couple of weeks ago and I sent it to hiset missing.
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  These are people, probably they thought that they could resolve
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  this after marriage, but this is what happened, two years down
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  the line. So I was like if it's The
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  Branding, that's the problem. Why don't you get a name?
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  That is not even your name or your so name, change the brand
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  name change it to, you know, make up names and initials or
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  just do something or Even hyphenates his name.
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  There's a way you can put that down, not even affect your
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  brand. It was a tough conversation and
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  I was like, okay let me discuss this with a lot of other male
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  friend because these are just three women talking, we are more
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  interested in like saving the brand.
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  I mean, when the modern world this is 2022.
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  Um, no should be the most important thing.
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  Not just getting married and taking somebody's name, so we're
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  looking at it in that perspective.
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  So I told her just hold on a minute.
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  Let me talk to, I don't want to put them the guy on the corner
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  was like we can just hold on, let me talk to somebody and get
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  like a male perspective on this whole thing.
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  I called a friend of mine. I was like, would you if your
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  wife tells you that She will not change her last name after
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  marriage. How would you feel?
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  He pause for a second and he said, why would she know want to
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  take my name because it's like an automatic thing that you have
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  to do and I was like, okay why do you think why won't you take
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  her only because, you know, this is a modern world.
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  I understand that you guys are married in us but Why do you
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  think that woman must take the name?
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  And he said, well, tradition demands that I said to keep
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  tradition what if she is not extra?
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  Are you a traditional person? That was the first question.
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  I asked, as I like you, are you a traditional person?
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  He said, well, he is not that traditional but in the sense of
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  marriage that he would want a traditional way.
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  I said a traditional wife, okay. Now, a traditional wife in the
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  real sense of the African traditional wife is that she
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  will be a stay-at-home wife popping our kids and take care
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  of the children. Taking care of the home.
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  While new friend for the family. Are you that traditional?
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  He said no. No that I'm in the world today
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  women work. So it's kind of a 50/50 kind of
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  situation whereby she would work.
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  He would work and they come together to take care of the
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  family. And I was like, if you can, if
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  you're not all that traditional, would you allow your wife?
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  I mean, if you're going out, you I'm sorry.
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  Mr. And mrs. Smith both in terms of our
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  business. If somebody has registered their
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  identity as their business name. Would you want her to change all
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  those things? Just because she is getting
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  married to you and he said well that he would not want.
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  That's both. They have to like sit down there
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  has to be a good reason why she would not want to take his last
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  name. And if it's kind of a Justified
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  reason, let's say she has different businesses in our
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  name, let's say like apple that everybody knows she would not,
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  he would not want her to wake up one day and call apples oranges,
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  people would be confused. So if it's a brand that That is
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  already established that he is happy for her to continue with
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  that Brandon and just be the husband.
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  So I had to go back to them and I said, well, you have to sit
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  down with your husband and talk about.
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  First of all, why do you think you cannot Rebrand yourself
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  before getting married? Why do you think you can change
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  the name of the business? Like, you can re Brandon?
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  Do you think mischel's as your business just to so that
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  tomorrow if you are now divorced in dispersive you don't have to
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  don't change your Navy again, just because you're getting
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  married to somebody else. So she was like okay that she's
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  going to tell him about that one and you know, that was the end
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  of the conversation. So after dropping the phone, I
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  sat down and I asked myself, like, would I want to take My
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  husband's last name ones get married tomorrow.
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  Would I've like really want to change my name?
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  Change like officially in all my documents change.
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  My name to my husband's name and I don't know, I don't know.
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  Depending on the so named because if I am Lawrence yahudi
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  fair and he He is whatever Rock. I'm gonna want to take Rock
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  currency Iraq as my soul name because, you know, it doesn't
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  arrive. Sometimes it's just for selfish
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  reasons, like, you know, you want something that is that
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  rhymes with your personality because some people, okay, let
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  me put it this way. Some people even change their
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  names before getting married. Some people change their
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  surname. Let's say, Coming from the
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  family, from Smith, family and Smith.
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  People are known for, let's say some certain traits that you
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  will not, you don't like, you don't want to be associated
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  with, you don't want that identity on you, even before
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  getting married people, maybe your dad is Adam Smith, you
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  might decide to call yourself Adam, and all Smith people
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  change. Their identity on a daily basis
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  but I think the the whole traditional sense were by a
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  woman is demanded to take her husband's last name.
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  Regardless of how she feel about it regardless of the brand.
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  It's kind of a power kind of situation whereby.
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  I own you II, bought you, you are mine so you Have to take my
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  identity. I mean, if it's something that
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  you have to, it's from time immemorial, it's the patriarchy
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  that we are trying to break but it also has to do with how you
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  communicate certain things, if you're getting married to
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  somebody and you're saying, listen, people change last name
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  on a daily basis. People, I don't think last name
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  is or less. I am getting married.
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  The Dango Test Zone, I would like that done with a to be the.
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  I would like everybody to know that I am Lawrence.
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  Here, don't go too. You know, so I think it's just
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  how people view things I am happy.
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  Or maybe I'm getting married into the aluminum family and my
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  name is Alby like I am Lauren Sia alamelu.
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  Like they know that. Yes that so it's it just has to
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  do with Name. Nima has a lot.
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  If you are dropping, the name that has to be a very good
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  reason. Why you're dropping that name.
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  I am sorry to say that marriage is not all that.
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  It's not your to meet reason for you to change your name,
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  especially the people or the person, the family you're
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  getting married into. If that name is something, you
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  don't identify yourself with. Let's say, I'm getting married
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  to To a Chinese person and his name is Chang.
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  Liu are going to be called Lauren salut.
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  Sorry I love you babe but that is not going to happen so it's
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  about identity. Regardless of whether getting
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  married to a man or a man is demanding, you change your
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  identity to his identity. I know people who are married.
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  They took brother. Name of the husband and he.
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  So name example, Nollywood actress Gloria are nosy.
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  When she got married to know about young.
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  She took the name. She would her name became
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  Gloria. No buts young.
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  I remember trying to do something on like Nollywood
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  actresses old. Not not old like season
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  Nollywood actresses and I was looking for their names and
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  because you know them by, you know, Gloria A nosy grow them,
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  you know, Regina. I asked her, you know, them by
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  all these names. But there are so many 70% of
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  them, you can't find them. Why?
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  Because they've taken the last names of their husband.
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  So these are the issues sometimes, it's not just about
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  you being a dutiful wife or you being submissive or you trying
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  to to be, you know, there are so many people who must have New of
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  who we are introduced to you, as let's say, Gloria a nosy.
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  And those people are looking for Glory and all civil right now,
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  your glory and nobody on and nobody knows that you are
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  Gloria, no buts, young take, for instance, or Motorola gilardi.
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  Her husband's name is a candy but she added the whole thing on
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  Motorola, gilardi a kaindi. So even if you're saying a
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  Motorola gilardi, we know who you're talking about.
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  If you're seeing a mythology logic, It came, they will know
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  who you're talking about. So I think hyphenating the name
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  makes it easier for people to still find you because if they
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  type your name and that comes out or if they type your the
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  hyphenated name, you also come out.
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  So it's is something that people need to to look into people need
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  to talk about especially in this age of social media where
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  Brandon is almost everything. Like if they stay for Stan's,
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  you know, Genevieve in Nigeria's.
• 18:44
  Genevieve, and IG. And though she has verified
• 18:48
  accounts, do everybody knows her accounts.
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  Let's take, for instance, this was 20 2004 2005.
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  Where social media is not even social media.
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  The way we see it today and then she got married and she became
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  Genevieve, who careful? So, now everybody is because
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  we've seen her movies. Movies.
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  We've seen the work that she's done.
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  People, that we're not even there when she was acting.
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  We're not even born at that time.
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  They are watching her movies now.
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  And they were like, we are, is Genevieve analogy there
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  searching for Genevieve knowledgeable.
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  What they are saying is Genevieve.
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  Oh, careful, or they are not even searching for Genevieve.
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  Oh, careful. When they're searching for
• 19:33
  Genevieve energy. That is not communal because she
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  registered her counts as Genevieve.
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  Who careful scientific. Way, fine.
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  Tha some people may find it difficult to Mark the two names
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  together, especially if you're no longer, you know, in the
• 19:51
  secular Limelight, if you're no longer acting or if you're no
• 19:55
  longer being creative, is going to impact on the people who are
• 20:00
  searching for you and prospective potential clients
• 20:07
  that are coming to you, maybe to offer you a movie deal or
• 20:10
  whatever. They may find it difficult to
• 20:13
  find you. So for me, it's, it's a
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  conversation that needs to be had before getting married, is
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  something that people need to sit down and talk about.
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  Some people say is just a name or a name is also an identity
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  and identity of who we are in somebody's asking demanding for
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  somebody else, to just throw a will their identity, something
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  that you've identified. Us for decades just because they
• 20:46
  want the pay the bride price. Then I think that's a problem.
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  So I think it's just about, you know, having a conversation
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  understanding why somebody is asking you to change your name
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  and understanding why that person is refusing to change
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  that name. If the conversation is hard
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  truthfully. I think people understand each
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  other more without It's being judgmental without being
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  traditional, without being playing, you know, the power
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  play or I am the husband or patriarchy without trying to, to
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  suppress anybody without trying to only because most times is
• 21:31
  about ownership. Sometimes women, you know, let's
• 21:35
  say you start having children and your child is not saying No
• 21:42
  car for your husband is Journal, careful.
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  And then your child is called Lukaku and then you, you are,
• 21:53
  you're probably Amanda, is it? So it's like, You're not looking
• 22:01
  at your documents and your thinking, you know, I need to do
• 22:05
  something about this. So sometimes we grow into
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  certain things without even being told, you just see that as
• 22:12
  a natural progression in that happen naturally, then you don't
• 22:18
  even need to force people to do things.
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  They would do it. Gladly just to fit in sometimes
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  people changing to fit in. I don't know.
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  So, please Your comments in the comment section is and I think
• 22:35
  I'm just going round and round in circles because it's you
• 22:38
  cannot box people into one people have different feelings.
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  Some people do that without being even been axis.
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  Instinctive is something that they know that they have to do,
• 22:52
  but for some other people that are struggling to do it, we have
• 22:56
  to force everybody to do certain things because just because it's
• 23:00
  the tradition or just because we want to you know, Carol's the
• 23:04
  egos of our husbands, I don't know.
• 23:08
  So please leave me a comment in the comment section and tell me
• 23:11
  if you've been married or if you are married, was it conversation
• 23:16
  for you to change your last name?
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  Or was it something that you did out of respect out of
• 23:23
  submission, out of tradition or just because you want to?
• 23:29
  So that people see that you're 100% into that marriage.
• 23:34
  If your case was the fact that okay, I already have a brand and
• 23:38
  I don't want to mess up my brand and your husband understood
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  that, let me know, you know, how you had a how, how did that
• 23:47
  conversation was that conversation had before or after
• 23:51
  marriage? So leave me a comment in the
• 23:52
  comments section. Let me know your thoughts.
• 23:54
  Let me know your views and thank you very much for watching.
• 23:57
  Today's episode. Bye bye.