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Epi 124 Style Swap: Parenting Perspectives Role Play · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: I'm Cheryl Lange, your host, and I'm genuinely glad you've joined us.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Last week, we had a bit of a hiccup due to some unexpected sickness on my end, reminding us all that real life happens even behind the microphone.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: But we're back now, and I appreciate your patience.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Today's episode is a departure from our usual format.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: As we near the end of our series on parenting styles, we're trying something new, a role play.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: Picture us as friends chatting over coffee, each embodying a different parenting style.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: It's a fun and we hope insightful way to explore how these styles shape our perspectives on parenting and our relationships with our children.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: So grab your favorite drink, settle in, and let's dive in together.
• 1:12
  Christie: Ellen, you just had, what, number 18, the 18th grandbaby?
• 1:18
  Christie: Congratulations! And little Salem.
• 1:20
  Christie: Salem! I love that.
• 1:23
  Christie: He's really cute and chubby and, you know, very alert, and so we've gotten to be around a little bit, you know, as much as we can, uh, you know, with the new baby.
• 1:33
  Christie: She lives in town, but, you know, I'm not over there every day driving her crazy.
• 1:36
  Christie: Right, right.
• 1:38
  Christie: we offered to take him home, Of course.
• 1:40
  Christie: Of course.
• 1:41
  Christie: He's three weeks now.
• 1:42
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 1:42
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 1:43
  Ellen: oh, that's just such a joy holding a brand new baby.
• 1:46
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 1:47
  Ellen: It sure is.
• 1:47
  Ellen: Just, they're so precious.
• 1:49
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 1:50
  Ellen: Eventually I need to get, um, this is her eighth baby.
• 1:53
  Ellen: Wow.
• 1:54
  Ellen: Wow.
• 1:54
  Ellen: So eventually I need to get some of the older kids Yeah.
• 1:57
  Ellen: So I can take them and they can spend the weekend them again, stuff That would be, yeah, that'd be a lot of help.
• 2:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:02
  Ellen: So I haven't really had a
• 2:03
  Cheryl: chance, you know, but one of the things.
• 2:05
  Cheryl: That I used to say because I've had that offered when you have little ones and they go, well, we'll take the big ones and go Well, I'd rather you take the little ones, because I need the big ones to help.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: So my daughter says, don't
• 2:19
  Christie: take
• 2:19
  Ellen: the older ones,
• 2:21
  Christie: they're the helpers.
• 2:22
  Christie: It's kind of like when you're carrying a bunch of plates and dishes and someone offers to take something and you're like, wait, it's kind of a balancing act, please don't take anything vital here, like a game of Jenga.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: yes, for sure.
• 2:34
  Ellen: And then, of course, in the beginning, the kids all wanted to be around the new baby.
• 2:38
  Ellen: So they weren't quite as interested in coming and spending the night or a couple of days with us.
• 2:42
  Ellen: But no hurt feelings on our part, you know, a new baby.
• 2:47
  Ellen: That's pretty cool.
• 2:48
  Ellen: But I
• 2:49
  Cheryl: remember particularly the younger ones.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: They were so excited.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Like, when I had Joanna, and, um, Actually, I had a home birth with her, and so a friend of mine came and, and got my daughter Deborah, she's just a little over two and then brought her back over later, uh, when everything was done, and when she walked in the room, and this, you all know so Deborah, she threw the door open, and said, where's my baby?
• 3:18
  Cheryl: But then the newborn gets boring real fast.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: Because you talk about, oh, but he's so much fun and you'll be best friends.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: And right, you know, but they get kind of bored.
• 3:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: And they're like, when does that happen?
• 3:31
  Ellen: A little blob in the beginning.
• 3:33
  Christie: That's cute.
• 3:34
  Christie: The thing I remember about having a newborn is how.
• 3:37
  Christie: Overnight, my two year old doubled in size.
• 3:40
  Christie: I mean, they just seem like giants when you have this newborn in one hand and a two year old in the other.
• 3:45
  Christie: You pick them
• 3:46
  Ellen: up and you're like, oh my
• 3:47
  Christie: gosh.
• 3:47
  Christie: Yes, their little hands were all of a sudden huge in comparison to the newborn.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: Well, this is a big change, but my goodness, just this week in your life, Christy, so many changes going on.
• 3:59
  Christie: So many.
• 4:00
  Christie: We've got kids coming and going and up and down.
• 4:03
  Christie: We just graduated our fourth year.
• 4:05
  Christie: Fourth and final daughter from high school.
• 4:08
  Christie: Congratulations.
• 4:08
  Christie: Thank you.
• 4:09
  Christie: It feels like an accomplishment for all of us and, um, then we've got a couple of kids moving to Arizona out of state and our married kids and then one of our other daughters is going to spend some time with them out there.
• 4:23
  Christie: But you had them all at your house.
• 4:25
  Christie: We had them all under one roof, mostly, for The, the better part of three weeks, yeah, and now the house is emptying, so lots of changes.
• 4:35
  Christie: A lot.
• 4:36
  Cheryl: Pros and cons to that.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: All of it, yes.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: But you said, what, they're going to Phoenix?
• 4:40
  Cheryl: Yes, uh huh.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: Southwest goes direct to Phoenix.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 4:44
  Christie: Very accessible.
• 4:45
  Christie: So I'll be spending lots of time there.
• 4:47
  Christie: Um,
• 4:47
  Ellen: there's a lot of nice places, just really good restaurants.
• 4:50
  Ellen: Arizona in general, it sounds lovely.
• 4:52
  Christie: I mean, like lots of climate in one state and lots of places to go and so.
• 4:57
  Cheryl: I would recommend the other seasons over July and August.
• 5:01
  Christie: Yes, I know.
• 5:02
  Christie: We kind of told her we'll see her in the fall.
• 5:07
  Christie: We'll see how much time we actually go out there in the summer.
• 5:10
  Ellen: But you know, they get cold too.
• 5:11
  Ellen: Yeah, at night, especially.
• 5:12
  Ellen: It's really weird.
• 5:13
  Ellen: They get
• 5:13
  Christie: cold.
• 5:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:14
  Christie: I think they do their main, um, like.
• 5:16
  Christie: It's all of their runs, like marathons or 5Ks at night, and it's supposed to be pretty cool.
• 5:21
  Christie: Or at least earlier.
• 5:23
  Christie: It's a little bit chilly.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: It's really interesting.
• 5:25
  Cheryl: If you've never lived In a desert climate like that, it's a real cultural change.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: I'm excited to find out all those things.
• 5:34
  Cheryl: It's really fun.
• 5:35
  Ellen: I like heat.
• 5:36
  Ellen: So, you know, we lived in Las Vegas for years and we've been, stayed in Phoenix when Mike had the heat.
• 5:45
  Ellen: So I just relish.
• 5:47
  Ellen: It's 115 in the car.
• 5:48
  Ellen: This is wonderful.
• 5:50
  Ellen: I like being
• 5:50
  Christie: warm more than I like being cool.
• 5:53
  Christie: Me too.
• 5:53
  Christie: So we're kind of entering my season.
• 5:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:56
  Carol: Lots of fun changes so we've been in this series on the various styles of parenting and I've learned a lot about it, but we've gotten some really good feedback from some of our listeners
• 6:10
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:11
  nobody: Yeah.
• 6:11
  Carol: and, uh, we'd kind of touched on the idea last time and then someone wrote and said, could you kind of say what it would look like doing certain things like making educational choices or whatever choices and things through these different lenses?
• 6:30
  Cheryl: What would it look like?
• 6:32
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:32
  Cheryl: So give examples.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 6:35
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:35
  Cheryl: And so.
• 6:36
  Cheryl: Okay, now we're going to try something that's really different here.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: What if we take scenarios that are typical scenarios, kind of like youngs, middles, and olds of the ages of the kids, and then each of us takes one of the styles, And we kind of talk as if we three friends are meeting for coffee and we have our children at the same age.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: And then we talk about, well, what are you doing about that?
• 7:02
  Cheryl: Well, this is why we're doing this.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: And we talk back and forth, kind of saying, this is how that person with that lens or style would look at this issue.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: Oh, I love that.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: We'll try that.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: So which style do you want to claim?
• 7:18
  Cheryl: I don't know.
• 7:18
  Cheryl: Well, I'll be who I am,
• 7:19
  Ellen: authoritarian
• 7:20
  Christie: Yes.
• 7:22
  Christie: That's season.
• 7:23
  Christie: Well, I will grab a permissive
• 7:25
  Cheryl: parenting.
• 7:25
  Cheryl: Okay, so then I'll be attaching.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: Okay, okay.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: And remember, just a big, big picture.
• 7:32
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 7:32
  Cheryl: That Authoritarian chooses structure and some control for the betterment of the children, for all the positive benefits, not just to be a tyrant.
• 7:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: And then attachment parent is not what we talk about, the real definite bonding attachment, but it's the priority of the emotional needs of the child and being very responsive to their emotions.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:59
  nobody: Yeah.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: And so permissive, what would you say the core of permissive parenting is?
• 8:03
  Christie: Well, permissive parenting tends to prioritize the child's individuality and autonomy and their sense of self over everything else.
• 8:11
  Carol: good So that's what we're trying to kind of look through and let's try to be kind of balanced in this, this is going to be fun.
• 8:17
  Carol: I think so too.
• 8:18
  Carol: Yeah.
• 8:18
  Carol: So we're I think we're,
• 8:19
  Ellen: you know, just We're not saying one's better than the other one's right or wrong, but this is how it looks.
• 8:25
  Ellen: So if you're one of these, you don't need to feel good or bad either way, but understand this is how it looks.
• 8:31
  Ellen: Yeah, you know, if your husband or wife is this way or your significant other
• 8:36
  Cheryl: also the disclaimer is, we might say something we might present it a certain way.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: Inaccurately.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: And it's inaccurate.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: And we're not trying to do that.
• 8:45
  Cheryl: We're trying to be as By definition.
• 8:47
  Cheryl: By definition.
• 8:48
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:49
  Cheryl: Trying to, oh, this is going to be fun.
• 8:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:50
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 8:51
  Cheryl: Hey, good to see y'all for coffee today.
• 8:54
  Ellen: Oh, wow.
• 8:54
  Ellen: Wish I had real coffee here.
• 8:56
  Ellen: You should have seen what my husband did to the coffee at my house this morning.
• 8:59
  Ellen: He wound up all over the, uh, everywhere.
• 9:04
  Ellen: He was not a happy man.
• 9:07
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:07
  Cheryl: So since we all have a three going on four year old,
• 9:12
  Ellen: Yeah,
• 9:13
  Cheryl: um, we're struggling right now to get them to stay in bed at night.
• 9:18
  Cheryl: They keep getting up.
• 9:19
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's really hard.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: Do y'all have those same problems too?
• 9:22
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 9:22
  Cheryl: At
• 9:23
  Ellen: the most tired part of your day, they don't want to go to sleep.
• 9:27
  Christie: So what, what have you tried so far?
• 9:29
  Cheryl: Okay, so we've kind of thought, you know, we really were listening, trying to think about his little heart and how he feels.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: So, y'all, you know, we've done Family Bed from the beginning.
• 9:46
  Cheryl: And we're trying to listen and thought maybe it was time to move on.
• 9:51
  Cheryl: He was ready for the next stage because Um, everybody else is doing it, and we just thought, okay, this is the next stage.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: And so I'm just in this quandary because now he cries, he gets up, he comes back, and I just think, oh, he's crying because he needs me.
• 10:10
  Cheryl: And I just don't know, are y'all struggling?
• 10:11
  Cheryl: Or he's crying because he's not
• 10:12
  Ellen: getting his own way.
• 10:13
  Ellen: Oh.
• 10:14
  Ellen: I mean, you know, that, that can be a lot of it and there is that need when they're little, yeah, you change something, little children cry.
• 10:22
  Ellen: You know, most little kids don't like when things get changed.
• 10:26
  Ellen: how I see it I'm saying in my own head.
• 10:29
  Ellen: He needs to learn to go to bed and be able to stay in bed and do what he's supposed to do.
• 10:37
  Ellen: And that's good for him and it's good for the whole family.
• 10:40
  Ellen: Because there's a certain structure that if you don't kind of say, Hey, it's time to go to bed and figure out how to enforce that.
• 10:49
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:49
  Ellen: Because that can be really draining on the whole family if you're a three year old because I can always remember when we're, we're trying to do something in the home in the evening, maybe we have friends over or something.
• 11:01
  Ellen: If he's running down and disrupting and interrupting everything, it takes away from our adult time too.
• 11:09
  Christie: Well, I can see your your perspective Ellen, but I'm thinking I'm wondering if why you decided to quit Co sleeping is is he wanting to sleep somewhere else?
• 11:20
  Christie: Does he want to still co sleep?
• 11:22
  Christie: Does he want to sleep in your room?
• 11:25
  Christie: We've talked about
• 11:26
  Cheryl: it and he seemed good about it and his older brothers and sisters all sleep on their own.
• 11:33
  Cheryl: And, we were feeling a lot of pressure because other people would say, he's still sleeping in your bed.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: And we thought, well, maybe it's time and that he's emotionally ready for it.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Um, and I hear your point, Ellen, but my concern is, is he crying out of his heart and is there a real need?
• 11:53
  Cheryl: that he's telling us about.
• 11:55
  Christie: Well, I think maybe you need to just Talk to him and ask him and he's trying to communicate something to you that's true And so he by being upset about being in his bed, maybe he thought he was ready It's him, you know night by night.
• 12:09
  Christie: He may feel differently.
• 12:11
  Christie: You might just have to see what he feels like doing You know each night at bedtime and talk to him about if this is a night he wants to sleep in his bed, if this is a night he wants to sleep in your bed.
• 12:23
  Christie: And I know Ellen, like you were saying, you know, the structure is helpful to the whole family, but if it's not what he's wanting, then that's not helpful to him.
• 12:34
  Christie: And Ellen, on, like, on the structure thing, I hear what you're saying, but, I just don't, I don't know how, like, superimposing your want for structure on him is good for him or for the family when it's going against his desires and his
• 12:54
  Ellen: needs.
• 12:55
  Ellen: Well, I hear what you're saying, and I think that that's something you do have to consider what your child needs at that moment.
• 13:03
  Ellen: But, it's not about them controlling the family.
• 13:08
  Ellen: It's about having some order and structure within the whole family, because it is the whole family, and I think that most children eventually will get used to going to bed at a certain time, even if they just lay there quietly, they're in bed, and it gives everybody We need some time to interact with one another.
• 13:31
  Christie: Maybe with time, but I think the bigger priority I would have is making sure he feels respected in the family.
• 13:39
  Cheryl: And that you are listening to what his heart is.
• 13:44
  Cheryl: And what he needs is your help.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: Not sacrificing him for the good of everybody else.
• 13:49
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:50
  Ellen: But I don't see that as a sacrifice.
• 13:52
  Ellen: I see that as we are all helping each other in our family structure.
• 13:57
  Ellen: That's why we have structure is so that we can work together with one another.
• 14:01
  Ellen: And sometimes I mean, it's not like it's this horrible thing, eventually a child needs to sleep in their own bed.
• 14:07
  Ellen: But having a structured time, particularly for bed, for my family, worked really well.
• 14:15
  Ellen: And I never felt like my children's emotional needs weren't being met because they had to go to bed.
• 14:21
  Ellen: I saw it as, oh, they're They're learning how to accept, Oh, this is what I need to do because there's an authority in my life that's saying to me, I need to go lay down and try to go to sleep.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: Oh, this is interesting, okay.
• 14:37
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: So.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: All right, so that's a little bit of a struggle with that.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: Yeah, what if we bring in a different scenario?
• 14:43
  Cheryl: Let's move up.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: Oh four or five years to maybe an eight ish year old or so.
• 14:49
  Cheryl: Yeah, how about I can tell you my
• 14:52
  Ellen: kids hated when they were that age in the school Summer and the sun was still up, but I made them go to bed.
• 14:58
  Ellen: Oh,
• 14:58
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: Those poor emotional needs.
• 15:01
  Cheryl: I know.
• 15:02
  Cheryl: Their emotional needs.
• 15:03
  Cheryl: Okay, so how about we have an 8 ish year old that you've committed to a soccer team.
• 15:10
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 15:11
  Cheryl: And so the plan is, yes, we talked about it, we're committed, we're into the season, and then for a number of reasons.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: The child wants, we'll have it be a boy again.
• 15:21
  Cheryl: Let's call him Michael.
• 15:22
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 15:22
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: And Michael wants to quit.
• 15:25
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 15:26
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm?
• 15:26
  Cheryl: Oh, my kids wanted to quit sports since they started.
• 15:29
  Cheryl: Okay, so let's do it.
• 15:30
  Cheryl: And then remember we're coming from these three different views.
• 15:32
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: And let's think about what the core of those views are.
• 15:37
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:38
  Cheryl: Well, we haven't gotten together in about four years.
• 15:42
  Cheryl: All right, so how's
• 15:43
  Christie: Michael doing now?
• 15:44
  Christie: Back to the future.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: How are your kids doing?
• 15:47
  Cheryl: I know.
• 15:48
  Christie: Well, now they're eight.
• 15:50
  Christie: And, um, so I have my eight year old son, Michael, We just signed him up for soccer.
• 15:56
  Cheryl: Fabulous! My son's name was Michael.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: I can't remember.
• 15:59
  Cheryl: These imaginary
• 16:00
  Christie: children.
• 16:00
  Christie: They're hard to keep straight.
• 16:02
  Christie: They are! Okay, so tell us about Michael.
• 16:05
  Christie: Well, we just signed up for soccer, and he was really excited.
• 16:08
  Christie: And then we went to, practices and then he had a game and, and now he doesn't want to play anymore.
• 16:14
  Christie: And, you know, we paid the money and we signed him up and we made the schedule, you know, cleared our schedule for all these events and, and now he doesn't want to.
• 16:24
  Christie: And so I just feel like, I guess we're not going to play anymore.
• 16:28
  Ellen: I was gonna say that was all my kids.
• 16:29
  Ellen: I signed everyone up for something because I felt like that was a really good, um, structured.
• 16:38
  Ellen: Sports that they could do rather than just playing in the backyard and just, you know, running around.
• 16:43
  Ellen: They got to do, got to be on a team, see what it was like to have to work together.
• 16:49
  Ellen: I would have a talk with them before and lay the ground rules.
• 16:52
  Ellen: Do you, I mean, I gave him a choice.
• 16:54
  Ellen: Do you really want to play soccer?
• 16:56
  Ellen: Okay.
• 16:57
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 16:57
  Ellen: Mom, I want to play all my friends are playing soccer.
• 16:58
  Ellen: Okay.
• 16:59
  Ellen: Well, here's the rule.
• 17:00
  Ellen: You will play soccer.
• 17:02
  Ellen: You know, you don't get to not go unless you're ill.
• 17:05
  Ellen: We're all going to go to soccer and that's what we'll be doing.
• 17:08
  Ellen: And of course there was resistance.
• 17:09
  Ellen: And I've had the coaches say, you know, your kid doesn't really want to play soccer.
• 17:17
  Ellen: And I said, that's fine.
• 17:18
  Ellen: They're on the team.
• 17:19
  Christie: But you still made them go, even if he didn't want to, I should make him go.
• 17:24
  Christie: Ellen.
• 17:25
  Cheryl: You said doesn't feel It's one thing you help them make an intellectual decision.
• 17:31
  Cheryl: We're just talking about an eight year old.
• 17:34
  Cheryl: And so intellectually, it sounds like fun.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:39
  Cheryl: But think about what He's feeling your Michael is feeling inside of himself to just go.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: We made the commitment.
• 17:49
  Cheryl: You have to follow through even with all the strength of that.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: I'm saying, Michael, how do you feel?
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Because he probably isn't going to grow up to be a famous right, uh, soccer player.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: But I want him to say, Wow, my parents listened to how I felt and responded to that.
• 18:09
  Christie: Well, and I'm thinking.
• 18:11
  Christie: It might be holding him back from other things he wants to explore.
• 18:15
  Christie: If I'm making him go somewhere he doesn't want to go, you know, maybe he was wrong about what he thought it would be like and he wants to try another activity.
• 18:24
  Christie: So I've been considering, you know, he really has been asking more about drama and I've been thinking about signing him up for drama instead of the soccer which
• 18:33
  Ellen: you can eventually do.
• 18:35
  Ellen: But I believe that one of the things you want to teach your children is how to finish their commitment.
• 18:40
  Ellen: If you make a commitment to do something, you need to see it through to the end, unless there's some real extenuating circumstances.
• 18:47
  Ellen: And I would say to those kids, because I would tell you most of my kids didn't enjoy sports, and I remember just recently my, you know, You know, 40 something year old son said, Hey, why did you make us play, um, soccer or whatever?
• 18:59
  Ellen: And I said, because I wanted you to have that experience because then you could see whether you like sports, whether you wanted to go on and do that.
• 19:07
  Ellen: And so you have to fulfill your commitment.
• 19:10
  Ellen: It's not just to yourself, but it's to your team.
• 19:13
  Ellen: And that's part of what is important that you want to teach your children.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: But Ellen, I hear what you're saying, but that sounds like such a huge wall instead of a boundary that has flexibility because what if your 40 year old says, I've been so hurt because you didn't listen to how I felt about something.
• 19:35
  Christie: Right.
• 19:36
  Christie: You just
• 19:36
  Cheryl: made an arbitrary decision and then forced me to stick with it, even though I My self, my heart was not to do it.
• 19:45
  Christie: And I just hate to think that I'm limiting him when he's wanting to, he's communicating to me that he, this is, he's already made this decision.
• 19:54
  Christie: He doesn't like the sport.
• 19:56
  Christie: He determined that.
• 19:57
  Christie: In the two practices he's been and the one game he's played, and I don't want to limit him or disrespect him in any way and make him feel like I don't believe that he knows what he wants and what's best for him.
• 20:11
  Ellen: And, and the thing is Specifically what these little things like soccer or drama whatever we do with our children put them in.
• 20:18
  Ellen: It's a limited time you know when I'd once our kid said they didn't like it They never had to sign up again because that was not my idea of fun I was going to two soccer fields with a baby in tow during this time period.
• 20:30
  Ellen: So I'm glad when it's hard when nobody wanted to do it after a while.
• 20:35
  Cheryl: But again, but you have made the decision instead of taking into consideration.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: His feelings, what he wants, and how he sees things.
• 20:46
  Ellen: Hmm.
• 20:47
  Ellen: Well, this gives me a lot to think
• 20:48
  Cheryl: about
• 20:51
  Ellen: Unfortunately, we try to do an authoritarian
• 20:53
  Christie: parent.
• 20:53
  Christie: We've kind of I'm feeling that as the permissive parent I'll turn it back
• 21:02
  Cheryl: No Let's jump four more years.
• 21:04
  Cheryl: Okay, so now.
• 21:06
  Cheryl: Our little ones are early teens and, uh, I guess kids don't really go to malls anymore.
• 21:14
  Cheryl: Nobody does that.
• 21:16
  Cheryl: What about like an event thing, like first arcade, first event where they can play all the games and later you can just drop them off.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: Okay, so, what's going on with your kids now,
• 21:28
  Ellen: four years later?
• 21:30
  Ellen: Well, they're getting invited to lots of things that I'm not invited to.
• 21:33
  Ellen: Oh.
• 21:33
  Christie: But so what are you doing about that?
• 21:35
  Christie: Is that something you're are you allowing them to do?
• 21:38
  Ellen: And we had already, especially me, had already decided what kind of things I was going to let our kids do at that age, more independent type activities.
• 21:47
  Ellen: So I already had thought through and that's what I always encourage moms to do.
• 21:52
  Ellen: Think through answers, especially as the teen years are coming before they hit.
• 21:56
  Ellen: So you're still going to be blindsided percent of the time, but at least you kind of understand.
• 22:02
  Ellen: If I don't feel that this is a thing that would benefit my child and, um, that there were good, enough good things in there, I will say no and I'm doing it because I don't want them to be in an environment that's not structured enough because they're probably not ready for that yet.
• 22:21
  Ellen: Because I'd be having to make choices that maybe they're not quite ready yet.
• 22:25
  Christie: Well, do they, does your child feel like they're ready?
• 22:29
  Christie: Do they think that they're ready to be, be in that environment?
• 22:32
  Christie: Well,
• 22:32
  Ellen: of course they do.
• 22:33
  Ellen: They would think, you know, they could go join a motorcycle gang and have fun.
• 22:38
  Ellen: So
• 22:38
  Cheryl: I mean.
• 22:39
  Cheryl: Ellen, I like the idea of thinking ahead of time.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 22:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:42
  Cheryl: You know, I remember on TPP when they had Dr.
• 22:45
  Cheryl: Kelly and he talked about birthday boxes.
• 22:48
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: And I like that, but, I don't hear you taking in.
• 22:54
  Cheryl: The emotional reaction and feelings of your child.
• 22:58
  Cheryl: I guess we'll call him Michael again.
• 23:01
  Christie: Poor Michael's out there.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: He is a horrible child.
• 23:06
  Cheryl: You have just again moved.
• 23:09
  Cheryl: You did it with the soccer.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: You know, you're just making a decision.
• 23:13
  Cheryl: Instead of considering how he feels and what his emotional, uh, response is, right now in our country, Ellen, we have got an emotional health crisis and a mental health crisis.
• 23:29
  Cheryl: And I think a lot of it's because parents that aren't taking in considering what they're doing.
• 23:36
  Cheryl: the emotional reaction and feelings of their kids.
• 23:38
  Cheryl: Whereas I
• 23:39
  Ellen: see it as, no, they're not offering their children enough structure, so they're all out of control and they're going by their emotions.
• 23:46
  Ellen: I'm entitled to this.
• 23:47
  Ellen: I should be able to do this.
• 23:49
  Christie: Well, I just think you can't keep them locked up forever.
• 23:52
  Christie: Well, no.
• 23:52
  Christie: I mean, you can't keep them under lock and key and protect them from everything out there.
• 23:57
  Christie: I just, I mean, he's, he's almost 13 years old.
• 24:01
  Christie: He needs to start being independent and making his own choices and, and deciding if he's ready to be out there in the world and doing things on his own.
• 24:10
  Ellen: But the problem is when there's still a minor, you're responsible to whatever happens because Both legally and morally, so you have to think through, What's the best environment?
• 24:22
  Cheryl: Well, but see what I can see like when we've let our Michael go.
• 24:29
  Cheryl: Then he comes home and tells me how he feels about it.
• 24:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:33
  Cheryl: And how it felt.
• 24:34
  Cheryl: And then we can talk through all of that, because if we just told him what he can and can't do, we're squelching his personhood.
• 24:46
  Cheryl: And we're not responding to what's his core values and what he believes in.
• 24:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:53
  Christie: And I just think they have to, you know, They feel independent and feel capable and empowered to do what they see is right and, and go into situations that they have to, they can make their own decisions on those things.
• 25:08
  Christie: And
• 25:08
  Ellen: I think in principle, that's a really good idea, but you are the parent and that's where you come from a point of wisdom and say, maybe that I don't want this.
• 25:17
  Ellen: I don't think this is a good environment.
• 25:19
  Cheryl: And I hear you, uh, Christy, but just honoring their Independence and autonomy, you're still leaving out this key element of responding to how they feel.
• 25:33
  nobody: You
• 25:34
  Cheryl: know, and I think just, it's so important, like I said, I think we're all a mess because we have not listened to the emotions and valued them enough.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: Everybody just says, Oh, they're just kids.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: You know, what does a 13 year old know how they feel?
• 25:51
  Cheryl: I think you talk about the word respect.
• 25:54
  Cheryl: I think that's the greatest respect we could have is to listen to their emotions.
• 25:59
  Christie: It's hard for me to differentiate these two.
• 26:01
  Christie: I It is hard and hard to separate from your own head of what, what you would really do.
• 26:06
  Christie: Yes.
• 26:06
  Christie: Um, okay.
• 26:08
  Christie: well, I can, I can see that I, I think.
• 26:11
  Christie: Maybe we're saying similar things, but from different motives and different intentions and priorities.
• 26:17
  Cheryl: Which is, well, this is fun.
• 26:19
  Cheryl: Poor little Michael.
• 26:20
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 26:21
  Cheryl: He's got such confused community here.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: We better start a trust fund for him.
• 26:26
  Cheryl: Counseling.
• 26:26
  Cheryl: He's gonna need it.
• 26:27
  Cheryl: My three moms.
• 26:31
  Cheryl: So listeners, we have just tried to, you know, artificially create something to have this good conversation.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: That maybe it can help you see how our lens can affect our parenting.
• 26:46
  Christie: Well, and I hope it's, it's helped us all see there's pros.
• 26:50
  Christie: I mean, we talked a lot about the pros of each style, but that in the end, there's balance to be found.
• 26:57
  Christie: There's, there's pros in every style, but sometimes you do have to pick and choose for different scenarios.
• 27:02
  Christie: It's true.
• 27:02
  Christie: It's true.
• 27:03
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 27:03
  Cheryl: And, peek behind the curtain, one of our struggles is we would start bringing in balance from the other perspectives.
• 27:11
  Cheryl: Yeah, we had to edit out our balance parenting.
• 27:13
  Cheryl: No, we can't do that.
• 27:14
  Cheryl: We can't bring in the balance because, actually, if we had a pot here and we could pour all this in and we mixed it up, that would probably be a little bit of everything.
• 27:22
  Cheryl: That would probably be really good parenting.
• 27:24
  Cheryl: Yeah, it would be.
• 27:25
  Cheryl: You know, which is what we call authoritative or adaptive parenting.
• 27:30
  Cheryl: Which, That's we just wanted to offer all this for you.
• 27:33
  Cheryl: Yeah, we just wanted to show some
• 27:35
  Ellen: examples of what it would look like because I'm not that authoritarian.
• 27:41
  Cheryl: Oh, this was fun.
• 27:42
  Cheryl: Okay, so.
• 27:44
  Cheryl: Uh, we have had a lot of parents like this ask us some questions.
• 27:49
  Cheryl: So what about if we bring those in next time and we'll just read questions and comments from other parents.
• 27:54
  Cheryl: That's great.
• 27:55
  Cheryl: Oh good.
• 27:55
  Cheryl: So thanks y'all.
• 27:56
  Cheryl: Thank you so much.
• 27:57
  Cheryl: You old stick in the mud little person.
• 28:01
  Ellen: Which you know
• 28:01
  Cheryl: me
• 28:01
  Ellen: well
• 28:01
  Cheryl: enough I'm
• 28:02
  Ellen: not.
• 28:04
  Cheryl: And I'm thankful that we have some sort of balance.
• 28:07
  Cheryl: Okay, parents remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 28:19
  Speaker: As we conclude today's episode, remember, as Ellen said, there's no such thing as a perfect parenting style.
• 28:29
  Speaker: Parenthood is as unique as each individual who embarks on the journey.
• 28:35
  Speaker: Your perspective, shaped by your experiences, values, priorities, and family situation, is your guide.
• 28:44
  Speaker: With intentionality, take ownership of your parenting journey, finding what works best for your family.
• 28:53
  Speaker: Just as these three friends at the coffee shop might not have realized how much their practical decisions were shaped by their heart and vision in parenting, take a moment to reflect on how your lens influences the decisions you make Raising your children, your focus and philosophy matter, and understanding that can empower you to navigate the complexities of parenting with confidence.
• 29:19
  Speaker: Remember, we're here for you.
• 29:21
  Speaker: Whether you have questions, insights, or simply want to share your experiences, we welcome your input.
• 29:28
  Speaker: Reach out to us through our website, social media channels, or email us at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 29:36
  Speaker: com.
• 29:37
  Speaker: Join us next time as we delve into listener feedback on parenting styles.
• 29:43
  Speaker: Your contributions shape the direction of our discussions, so don't miss out on the opportunity to be a part of the conversation, listening to the challenges and insights of other real life parents just like you.
• 29:58
  Speaker: Until then, continue embracing the beauty of your unique parenting journey, knowing that with TPP, you're not alone on this adventure.