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Transcript

How To Feel Like Yourself Again · Two Broke Chicks

0:00
Speaker 1: This podcast is recorded on gadigal Land, Always was, always
0:03
Speaker 1: will be Aboriginal Land.
0:11
Speaker 2: Hey Chicks, I'm out and I'm this is to brote Chicks,
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Speaker 2: to show that shares life lessons and tips to help
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Speaker 2: make you rich in life. And today it's our absolute
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Speaker 2: pleasure to be joined once again by Jemma Sphag, the
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Speaker 2: host of the Psychology of Your Twenties podcast and also
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Speaker 2: the Marchra podcast and the author of Person in Progress
0:28
Speaker 2: figure Els. Welcome to Jim, I'm taking them into Gemmo
0:34
Speaker 2: is in Dahos the podcast.
0:38
Speaker 1: Who are new to the law of this podcast. Gemma
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Speaker 1: is one of our best friends.
0:43
Speaker 3: Hello, we are all obsessed with each other.
0:45
Speaker 4: We see kumbaya and hold hands basically.
0:49
Speaker 2: Guests at your show, your podcast and I was getting
0:52
Speaker 2: there spoiler.
0:55
Speaker 1: And Jemy is joining us for the group Chat tour
0:58
Speaker 1: in every city.
0:59
Speaker 4: So she also joined us last year and it was
1:01
Speaker 4: such a hit.
1:01
Speaker 2: We thought it was about time to have you back on.
1:03
Speaker 2: So today we're going to talk about how to feel
1:05
Speaker 2: like yourself again.
1:07
Speaker 3: And we're going to run through a lot of questions
1:09
Speaker 3: for you.
1:09
Speaker 2: Very excited, but before we get started, we always like
1:12
Speaker 2: to start with a life lesson of the week.
1:14
Speaker 5: No way, I didn't know that.
1:16
Speaker 3: So what have you got for us?
1:18
Speaker 6: What did you do on the weekend?
1:20
Speaker 1: Well?
1:20
Speaker 5: I ran a half marathon on the weekend.
1:22
Speaker 6: So maybe in my life did you run at the
1:24
Speaker 6: start of the.
1:24
Speaker 5: Year three kilometers?
1:26
Speaker 4: Take us through that?
1:26
Speaker 5: Okay, maybe my life lesson is you can do hard things.
1:29
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a really good fuck and.
1:31
Speaker 5: Even when you like reach a wall within yourself, that
1:34
Speaker 5: wall can be kicked down like a Taylor Swift music video.
1:39
Speaker 5: People know the reference to that love the music video
1:42
Speaker 5: that I'm talking about in the comments below. But yeah,
1:45
Speaker 5: I really it was really hard. It was really hot
1:48
Speaker 5: as well, so like and it was all in the sun.
1:51
Speaker 1: What took you to that decision of like, you know,
1:55
Speaker 1: at the start of the year being a queen and
1:57
Speaker 1: running three k's and then going to, you know what,
1:59
Speaker 1: I'm going to run half marathon.
2:01
Speaker 5: To be honest, I just really like let myself be excited,
2:03
Speaker 5: like just have fun. So I feel like people when
2:06
Speaker 5: they start running and like, well I need to run
2:08
Speaker 5: this certain amount, and I need to run this pace,
2:10
Speaker 5: and I need to run this distance. And I was like,
2:12
Speaker 5: I'm just gonna run the amount that makes me feel
2:14
Speaker 5: good every time I go for a run, and so
2:17
Speaker 5: like sometimes I would be like, I can show you
2:19
Speaker 5: my Strava, it's like one hundred and fifty meters, and
2:21
Speaker 5: then I'd be like, I don't want to do it today.
2:23
Speaker 5: And then other times I'd be like, I feel like
2:24
Speaker 5: running twelve kilometers, so I'll just okay, Like I'll just
2:27
Speaker 5: keep running until I don't feel like running anymore. And
2:30
Speaker 5: it was like the first time I've done something where
2:31
Speaker 5: I haven't needed to be like really good at it immediately.
2:35
Speaker 5: And then I ran eighteen k's and I was like,
2:37
Speaker 5: I should probably do a half marathon just for fun.
2:40
Speaker 5: But there's a big difference between eighteen and twenty one.
2:43
Speaker 6: Really, I didn't think that was.
2:44
Speaker 5: Gonna be I will like again, it was boiling hot,
2:47
Speaker 5: so I was like, oh, I was dying. And the
2:50
Speaker 5: last like kilometer was up a hill. Who does that?
2:53
Speaker 3: Yeah that is eually if.
2:55
Speaker 5: You make a like a race start, yeah, well guess
2:59
Speaker 5: what it was at the start, but it was downhill,
3:02
Speaker 5: So I was like, you ran down the hill to
3:04
Speaker 5: start the race and up the hill to finish, doesn't
3:07
Speaker 5: make any sense. People are like throwing up your a
3:10
Speaker 5: man a man, you know who that a really fit
3:15
Speaker 5: man who was Yeah, fine, it's Joe who's sick in
3:18
Speaker 5: the head.
3:20
Speaker 4: People that look at that and they go, yeah, hard finisher.
3:23
Speaker 6: Yeah, not me, not me.
3:25
Speaker 4: I've never been that person that like gets the end
3:27
Speaker 4: of the gym class and like, yeah, hard finishes. So
3:30
Speaker 4: you smash it at the end, you feel really fucked ill.
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Speaker 2: Time at the start, yeah, and then make it easy
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Speaker 2: the rest of the way.
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Speaker 5: And it was easy at all. It wasn't like we
3:44
Speaker 5: needed the extra challenge, like just down it was thirty
3:48
Speaker 5: and it was thirty degrees.
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Speaker 4: Oh my god.
3:51
Speaker 5: But I had a great one.
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Speaker 4: When did my text hit you?
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Speaker 5: It was actually really sweet, like halfway.
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Speaker 4: That's your life lesson the sale hundred Sally hundred.
4:00
Speaker 2: Okay, My life lesson of the week is actually a
4:03
Speaker 2: little challenge that Chris and I have been doing, and
4:05
Speaker 2: you guys have probably seen it on the internet. It
4:07
Speaker 2: has a few different names like dinner rule Lett or
4:11
Speaker 2: Supermarket Rulelette.
4:12
Speaker 3: Have you guys seen it?
4:13
Speaker 6: Is this the one where you like both turn around?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, so there's that version, and then there's also like
4:18
Speaker 2: you can do a sciss of paper.
4:19
Speaker 5: Rock rock paper scissors.
4:24
Speaker 3: That a camera thing.
4:27
Speaker 6: Paper rock, rock paper scissors in the studio? Can you
4:34
Speaker 6: let us know the paper grow up again?
4:37
Speaker 5: In Queensland? Rock paper scissors?
4:39
Speaker 2: Is it scissors, paper rock or whatever?
4:44
Speaker 4: That rock paper scissors.
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Speaker 5: I don't know it, but that is but like rock
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Speaker 5: paper scissors. And then you do it.
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Speaker 3: You aren't saying it with a conviction, you know, So.
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Speaker 2: Tell us tell us in the comments which one is correct?
5:03
Speaker 3: And also where are you from?
5:04
Speaker 4: Because I need to know all a potato scollop?
5:07
Speaker 5: A potato scollop?
5:08
Speaker 2: Okay, if you want to say potato cake, I want
5:11
Speaker 2: to say called it a potato cake.
5:13
Speaker 5: It's not a cake. This it's not sweet, I know.
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Speaker 6: But it's also not fucking rock paper scissors.
5:20
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, where was I?
5:21
Speaker 2: So I've been seeing this TRN and Chris and I
5:24
Speaker 2: have been doing it to decide what to have for
5:27
Speaker 2: dinners during the week. And so you pick like an
5:30
Speaker 2: entree aside a maine.
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Speaker 3: A drink, and a dessert.
5:34
Speaker 2: And we've been doing like a siss of paper rock,
5:36
Speaker 2: and then whoever wins gets to pick each of the
5:39
Speaker 2: things and it's just been a really fun way to
5:41
Speaker 2: mix up what we have for dinner. I love that
5:44
Speaker 2: if you've been stuck on what to have for dinner
5:46
Speaker 2: or you feel like shaking it up a little.
5:48
Speaker 3: I feel like that's a fun little game to play.
5:50
Speaker 3: What's your life?
5:50
Speaker 1: Listen, We're like a recommendation, but recently started watching the
5:55
Speaker 1: show ted Lasso.
5:56
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, that.
5:57
Speaker 5: Was my favorite TV. How can we've not talked this?
6:00
Speaker 4: Oh my god, it's amazing. So I'm watching it for
6:04
Speaker 4: the first time.
6:06
Speaker 1: Season one, and I'm obsessed with it, Like, it's so
6:11
Speaker 1: so good.
6:12
Speaker 5: You know, the creator of that just came out with
6:14
Speaker 5: a romantic drama.
6:16
Speaker 3: What what is it?
6:17
Speaker 5: It's called All of You. The guy who created it's
6:20
Speaker 5: called Brett Goldstein, and he also made this show called Shrinking,
6:23
Speaker 5: which you need to watch after you finished.
6:25
Speaker 1: Yeah.
6:26
Speaker 5: Everything he makes is amazing. Oh my god.
6:28
Speaker 1: Well yeah, if you haven't watched ted Lasso, you absolutely
6:31
Speaker 1: need to because it's everything I think about during the day.
6:34
Speaker 1: Like when I wake up, I'm like, okay, how many
6:36
Speaker 1: hours until ted Lasso time?
6:38
Speaker 5: Like made you a happier person?
6:39
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm like I need to have more of that energy.
6:42
Speaker 5: Yeah, Rok is the one who created the show.
6:44
Speaker 6: No, Yeah, I.
6:48
Speaker 4: Can't wait to hit Rob with this fun fact tonight.
6:50
Speaker 1: Yeah.
6:50
Speaker 4: Yeah, so yeah, that's my life. Lesson is to watch that.
6:55
Speaker 3: Should we get into the episode, can do It? Gemma,
6:58
Speaker 3: you have been on the show couple of times.
7:01
Speaker 2: For any of the chicks who aren't acquainted, tell us
7:04
Speaker 2: a little bit about yourself, how you started the podcast
7:06
Speaker 2: and how you got into psychology.
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Speaker 5: Okay, so I studied psychology at ED, but I was
7:10
Speaker 5: actually studying politics, economics and philosophy, and I was like,
7:12
Speaker 5: I'm going to be a politician, and then I realized
7:16
Speaker 5: that was a big mess and I was just like,
7:19
Speaker 5: I'm just not made to be criticized, which was now.
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Speaker 3: So you launched a podcast.
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Speaker 5: I know, silly, but I was just like, I just
7:26
Speaker 5: can't do it.
7:26
Speaker 6: Let me put myself online.
7:28
Speaker 5: Then I went through a breakup, started The Psychology of
7:30
Speaker 5: your Twenties and really didn't have any listeners. Just was
7:33
Speaker 5: like hanging out, was putting very personal details about my
7:36
Speaker 5: life online, and then suddenly people started listening to it,
7:40
Speaker 5: and then I, yeah, became my job and I'm obsessed.
7:43
Speaker 5: I love podcasts a right.
7:44
Speaker 2: So in today's episode, we're talking about how to feel
7:46
Speaker 2: like yourself again? Why does it feel like most of
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Speaker 2: us in our twenties and beyond, like in our thirties,
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Speaker 2: and I feel like you couldn't even put a time
7:56
Speaker 2: frame on this, feel like we lose our sense of self.
8:00
Speaker 4: Why does this cycle tend to repeat?
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Speaker 5: Yeah, I think it happens for a lot of reasons.
8:06
Speaker 5: Obviously that's not a great way to start, because you
8:09
Speaker 5: probably think, like I want a specific reason, But I
8:11
Speaker 5: would say the biggest one comes down to you've just
8:14
Speaker 5: become quite passive in your life now. Sometimes that's because
8:19
Speaker 5: your life is taken up by something very big and
8:21
Speaker 5: stressful and immediate. That means you can't focus on the
8:24
Speaker 5: everyday practices that reaffirm who you are. But it could
8:27
Speaker 5: also just be like you have slowly started replacing making
8:32
Speaker 5: art in the evenings with scrolling your phone. You've slowly
8:37
Speaker 5: started being like, oh, it's kind of a bit too
8:38
Speaker 5: exhausting to see my friends. You've slowly started making your
8:42
Speaker 5: Sunday all about chores and not about stuff that might
8:45
Speaker 5: enrich you more spiritually or more creatively or more emotionally,
8:50
Speaker 5: and like, the world's pretty exhausting right now. Also, as
8:53
Speaker 5: you get older as well, it just feels like you
8:56
Speaker 5: lose a little bit of everyday joy for life. I
8:59
Speaker 5: think everyone goes through a chapter in their life around
9:02
Speaker 5: the age of like I would say twenty five to
9:03
Speaker 5: thirty two, which is kind of like a long period.
9:06
Speaker 5: But at some point in that period where you've really
9:09
Speaker 5: become an adult, you will go through this period of
9:12
Speaker 5: being like, oh, I really actually don't know who I
9:14
Speaker 5: am anymore? Yeah, what do I even like? What are
9:18
Speaker 5: my values? What do I care about?
9:20
Speaker 6: Am I doing?
9:20
Speaker 5: What do I do for fun? Why do I enjoy?
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Speaker 5: I think you need to go through that in order
9:25
Speaker 5: to come out the other side and be like, ah,
9:27
Speaker 5: I'm glad I went through that period of not knowing
9:29
Speaker 5: so I could rebuild.
9:31
Speaker 3: Do you believe in the Satin Return?
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Speaker 5: I literally I am doing an episode on it next week.
9:36
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I can't wait to listen.
9:38
Speaker 5: I do believe in it from a psychological point of view,
9:40
Speaker 5: where it's like, actually it makes sense psychology. Yeah. That
9:44
Speaker 5: talks about how you get to this period in your
9:46
Speaker 5: life around the age of twenty seven, twenty eight, twenty nine,
9:49
Speaker 5: where a life shift, like there is a huge life
9:52
Speaker 5: shift where you truly like shift into the next chapter
9:55
Speaker 5: of life. You go through all these life changes, all
9:59
Speaker 5: the people around you are also going through those life changes,
10:02
Speaker 5: the expectations you have for yourself are different. People like
10:05
Speaker 5: suddenly break up with their long term partners. People suddenly
10:08
Speaker 5: like go back to.
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Speaker 1: School, they move consent countries because they quit their job.
10:13
Speaker 4: That return is a real real thing.
10:15
Speaker 5: I think it's like as you get approach thirty, it's
10:19
Speaker 5: when you really start being like, oh my god, I
10:20
Speaker 5: only have a couple of years left of what is
10:22
Speaker 5: this like meant to be this fun? Yeah decade. I
10:25
Speaker 5: look at you and I'm like, you're having so much
10:27
Speaker 5: fun in your thirties. It makes me very excited to
10:29
Speaker 5: be in my thirties.
10:30
Speaker 4: Yeah, I forget you're so much younger than now.
10:32
Speaker 1: There's a funny story one time Sal and I did
10:34
Speaker 1: a collab with an alcohol brand and we had to
10:39
Speaker 1: put an age restriction on it and Jim couldn't see it.
10:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, Jem we had to put a twenty five plus
10:48
Speaker 2: age cap on it.
10:49
Speaker 5: Because I was twenty four.
10:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, and Jem I was like, oh, I think there's
10:52
Speaker 2: something broken on your Instagram stories And I was like.
10:55
Speaker 6: What fuck?
10:57
Speaker 1: It just like says there's a story, but it's yeah,
11:00
Speaker 1: and weis And I was.
11:03
Speaker 2: Like, wait, how old are like twenty four and I
11:05
Speaker 2: was like, bad, I digress. That's good to know, though,
11:09
Speaker 2: because I do think that this feeling can feel quite isolating,
11:13
Speaker 2: and feeling like you have a disconnect from yourself can
11:17
Speaker 2: actually be a really shocking feeling. But it creeps up
11:20
Speaker 2: on you, like it's not something that you necessarily wake
11:23
Speaker 2: up one day and you're like, I've lost myself.
11:25
Speaker 3: Like it kind of builds over time.
11:27
Speaker 2: So what are the red flags that people can look
11:29
Speaker 2: out for that it may be a sign that they
11:31
Speaker 2: have lost that sense of themselves.
11:33
Speaker 5: I think apathy if people even think, like the opposite
11:35
Speaker 5: of loving your life is hating your life. No, no, no,
11:38
Speaker 5: it's feeling indifferent. It's being like, oh I just really
11:41
Speaker 5: don't care. I don't care. Oh yeah, work sucks whatever,
11:47
Speaker 5: Oh cool, don't have any plans tonight, whatever. You just
11:50
Speaker 5: don't care. That's the sign. And then I think eventually
11:53
Speaker 5: you do get to like the hate stage where you're like,
11:55
Speaker 5: oh my god, I'm in a pit of misery. The
11:58
Speaker 5: indifferent stage is like, actually, just if not more important
12:01
Speaker 5: to identify, So like apathy, indifference, boredom, a lack of
12:07
Speaker 5: newness or novelty or creativity. When it comes to your life,
12:12
Speaker 5: and I'm not meaning like you're not, you know, doing
12:14
Speaker 5: something creative. I'm meaning like you're not actively seeking out
12:17
Speaker 5: new experiences. I think also a sense of isolation and withdrawing,
12:24
Speaker 5: so you don't really again make plans, you don't really
12:27
Speaker 5: want to be around people, and just this sense of
12:33
Speaker 5: emptiness of just like if someone sat you down and
12:38
Speaker 5: said who are you? Will you really don't tell me
12:43
Speaker 5: your job, don't tell me your relationships? Who are you?
12:46
Speaker 5: Would you know how to answer that question? And if
12:48
Speaker 5: you are not like enthusiastically like yeah, I have this
12:51
Speaker 5: and this and this, you can be enthusiastic and you
12:55
Speaker 5: should be enthusiastic about literally the thing that matters the
12:58
Speaker 5: most in your life, which is your life. So that's
13:00
Speaker 5: probably a sign that you've kind of fallen away from
13:04
Speaker 5: yourself a bit.
13:05
Speaker 1: That's a good way to look at it, and I
13:07
Speaker 1: think a really helpful way for people to kind of
13:09
Speaker 1: identify whether or not that is something that they're dealing with.
13:13
Speaker 1: You said something interesting then about you know, if someone
13:16
Speaker 1: was to ask you who you are, how would you
13:19
Speaker 1: answer that that has nothing to do with your job
13:21
Speaker 1: and nothing to do with relationships. Would one way of
13:26
Speaker 1: being able to answer that question feel strongly about that.
13:28
Speaker 1: You talk a lot about values and identity. How do
13:32
Speaker 1: you figure out your values when you have no idea
13:35
Speaker 1: what you feel strongly about.
13:37
Speaker 5: There's like a couple of like really famous value exercises
13:40
Speaker 5: that you could do, like right now. I was in
13:42
Speaker 5: Bali recently, and I know that's going to make me
13:43
Speaker 5: sound like such like a wellness influencer. When I was there,
13:48
Speaker 5: there were these cards that I found that had all
13:51
Speaker 5: these different values written on them, like generosity, intelligence, compassion, humor.
13:56
Speaker 5: I like chose the twenty that I liked the most,
14:00
Speaker 5: then through elimination, I found ten, and then I like
14:04
Speaker 5: whittled that down to five. And that's a very famous
14:06
Speaker 5: exercise that like therapists, psychologists, career advisors will ask you
14:11
Speaker 5: to do, and you can do something similar online. You
14:13
Speaker 5: can find this live. Oh I can't remember. I could
14:16
Speaker 5: probably find the picture, but it was like generosity was
14:19
Speaker 5: definitely one of them. Curiosity, that's the only two I
14:23
Speaker 5: can remember, So you probably have to do it again.
14:25
Speaker 1: No, but that obviously shows you that those are two
14:27
Speaker 1: values that are.
14:29
Speaker 5: And I think like creativity and enthusiasm. Ye, actually I
14:32
Speaker 5: remember those being another two. You can say, oh, I
14:34
Speaker 5: really value this thing, but if you're not acting on it,
14:36
Speaker 5: do you really as having this discussion with a friend
14:39
Speaker 5: the other day. It's like you can say all you
14:41
Speaker 5: want about who you are as a person. You can
14:43
Speaker 5: say you're a nice person, but if you don't do
14:44
Speaker 5: nice things, you're not a nice person. You can say
14:47
Speaker 5: all you want, I'm a creative person, but if you
14:49
Speaker 5: don't act on your creativity, you're not. You're Like personhood
14:53
Speaker 5: is a verb, not just a series of words. So
14:56
Speaker 5: once you have like the five values that you feel
14:59
Speaker 5: are most important to you, the second part of this
15:01
Speaker 5: exercise is that once every day, you choose one of
15:04
Speaker 5: those values and you do something that lives that value.
15:08
Speaker 5: So if your value for me, like it's generosity, it's like, Okay,
15:12
Speaker 5: today I'm going to really practice my generosity and I'm
15:16
Speaker 5: going to donate however much money I want to this charity.
15:19
Speaker 5: And maybe the next time you find someone who really
15:22
Speaker 5: needs a meal, or someone outside the grocery store who
15:24
Speaker 5: can really do with like whatever groceries they want, and
15:27
Speaker 5: you just practice that, or you oft to give a
15:30
Speaker 5: friend a lift, or like small acts build personhood. That's
15:35
Speaker 5: like a very simple way I think of describing it.
15:37
Speaker 4: I love that, and that is a very easy exercise.
15:41
Speaker 6: You can probably go online and.
15:43
Speaker 4: Probably you'll find that buy the cards as well.
15:46
Speaker 5: Yeah, or you can just do it like they have
15:48
Speaker 5: a big list. I don't know what it's called. I
15:50
Speaker 5: can't remember, but it's.
15:53
Speaker 3: Lincoln in the show notes n I love that, so sweet,
15:56
Speaker 3: there's such.
15:57
Speaker 5: A beautiful girl. You should do it together before when
16:00
Speaker 5: we're on tour. No, Yes, that would be so really cool.
16:03
Speaker 3: That would be really cool.
16:05
Speaker 2: It seems like everyone in their twenties and their thirties
16:08
Speaker 2: and beyond has this moment of who the fuck am I?
16:12
Speaker 2: How does the identity inventory help you get your sparkle there?
16:16
Speaker 5: Your identity inventory is basically like if I had to
16:19
Speaker 5: make a bunch of buckets and a bunch of things
16:22
Speaker 5: that described me, like what would be most important? So
16:26
Speaker 5: it's essentially again kind of like making words, or like
16:30
Speaker 5: choosing words that describe you and then living them. But
16:33
Speaker 5: a lot of people, especially in your twenties and thirties, again,
16:35
Speaker 5: it's like, my identity inventory is what I do for work.
16:39
Speaker 5: My identity inventory is who I was five years ago,
16:43
Speaker 5: and I'm not those things anymore. So what you really
16:45
Speaker 5: need to do is again give yourself these different hats,
16:49
Speaker 5: like who am I in this context? Who am I
16:51
Speaker 5: in that context? How do I live that version of me?
16:54
Speaker 3: You were describing it? How for yourself?
16:55
Speaker 2: You would say that you are a podcaster, But you'd
16:58
Speaker 2: also say that you're a sister and a friend, and
17:01
Speaker 2: that it is kind of different to that value side
17:05
Speaker 2: because you are sort of talking about the things that
17:07
Speaker 2: you do in day to day life. And you could
17:09
Speaker 2: say I'm a painter or you could say I'm a runner,
17:12
Speaker 2: and you could put those things that are like actions
17:15
Speaker 2: and hobbies and things aside from your values. But I
17:19
Speaker 2: think the interesting thing in the way those things should
17:21
Speaker 2: intersect is that you should be able to like marry
17:24
Speaker 2: up those values, right.
17:28
Speaker 5: And I think also I said this again in the episode,
17:30
Speaker 5: was you can call yourself a runner, or you can
17:33
Speaker 5: call yourself a hiker. You can call yourself a podcaster
17:36
Speaker 5: even if you've only done one episode, even if you
17:38
Speaker 5: only hiked last weekend. What's the difference between me and
17:41
Speaker 5: a runner? If I run all the time, I'm a
17:42
Speaker 5: runner because I run. I'm a painter because I paint
17:45
Speaker 5: mother to cat.
17:46
Speaker 2: Mother cats, muddy books, friends, play.
17:51
Speaker 6: Reader, movie writer, yeah, entrepreneur, all of the above.
17:57
Speaker 5: When you really go into it, you can be like, whoa,
17:59
Speaker 5: I'm a lot. Yeah, yeah, I would really invite people
18:02
Speaker 5: to do this, and you will be like, wow, I'm
18:05
Speaker 5: like so much more multifaceted. And maybe that's just like
18:07
Speaker 5: the coming home to like who you really are that
18:10
Speaker 5: you kind of just forget because you don't think about
18:12
Speaker 5: it that much and think about who you really are.
18:15
Speaker 5: I would say ninety nine percent of the day we
18:18
Speaker 5: are not actively thinking about our identity. We're just thinking
18:20
Speaker 5: about what's on our grocery list and like who annoyed
18:23
Speaker 5: us in traffic, and like what we need to do next.
18:26
Speaker 1: No, we just don't spend enough time in our heads
18:28
Speaker 1: in a way that's like being present in our identity.
18:30
Speaker 1: It's like we're like going through the motions of everything
18:32
Speaker 1: that's external rather than like actually experiencing how we feel
18:36
Speaker 1: in certain moments. And you have mentioned that weekends are
18:39
Speaker 1: a great place to start to find yourself again beyond
18:43
Speaker 1: the usual like life admin and like casual coffee catch up.
18:47
Speaker 1: What are some tips for like a weekend rebrand to
18:50
Speaker 1: help get your spark.
18:51
Speaker 5: About I love this idea of micro adventures. Have I
18:55
Speaker 5: spoken about this on the podcast on your podcast before
18:58
Speaker 5: good because it's like my favorite things. An amazing creator
19:03
Speaker 5: who and I cannot remember her name obviously I'm in
19:05
Speaker 5: a forgetful mood, but she has this series where she
19:08
Speaker 5: does micro adventures and I'm so inspired by it and
19:11
Speaker 5: I've started doing them. And a micro adventure it isn't like, oh,
19:14
Speaker 5: I need to take the whole weekend off and get
19:16
Speaker 5: an Airbnb and spend a bunch of money. It's like, Okay,
19:19
Speaker 5: I'm gonna go strawberry picking this weekend. A micro adventure
19:22
Speaker 5: is like I'm going to go to the farmer's markets.
19:25
Speaker 5: I'm gonna go and try out a restaurant that I've
19:29
Speaker 5: drove driven past every single week that I've never gone into.
19:32
Speaker 5: I did that the other week and it wasn't very good.
19:34
Speaker 5: I went and I tried.
19:36
Speaker 6: Well, now you know, now I never have and you
19:38
Speaker 6: still had the adventure.
19:39
Speaker 5: Yeah, I did. And it's just like doing little things that,
19:42
Speaker 5: especially in your own city where you live. I just
19:46
Speaker 5: like super super random, super small, not necessarily like something
19:52
Speaker 5: that you would put on a postcard, but just like
19:54
Speaker 5: something really really fun that's like a micro adventure that
19:57
Speaker 5: allows you to see your life differently and see yourself
19:59
Speaker 5: differently within life.
20:00
Speaker 2: What about people who feel a lot of pressure to
20:04
Speaker 2: have an identity that's influenced by societal expectations or guilt
20:09
Speaker 2: or pressure from other people in their lives. How can you,
20:12
Speaker 2: I guess, separate yourself from that and actually prioritize what
20:16
Speaker 2: you want to do.
20:17
Speaker 5: Yeah. So there's this process that people talk about called individuation,
20:21
Speaker 5: which happens again early adulthood specifically, and it's where you
20:25
Speaker 5: basically go through this deep, friction, painful, uncomfortable period having
20:31
Speaker 5: to decide who am I, independent from family, from my schooling,
20:36
Speaker 5: from my environment, and often means shedding a lot of relationships,
20:40
Speaker 5: disappointing a lot of people. But the idea is that
20:42
Speaker 5: you have to move through this period in order to
20:45
Speaker 5: come at the other side as an individual. It's like
20:49
Speaker 5: the shift from going from child to adult, an adult
20:53
Speaker 5: again to individual, adult to person someone who enjoys themselves
20:58
Speaker 5: and understands themselves. So, if you're feeling a lot of
21:02
Speaker 5: conformity towards a certain identity to do with your family,
21:05
Speaker 5: to do with something that you promised yourself five years
21:08
Speaker 5: ago that you don't necessarily feel aligned to anymore. Just
21:11
Speaker 5: remember that, like at any age, you can and you
21:13
Speaker 5: should change. It will be painful. But I don't think
21:18
Speaker 5: I've ever met anyone who's gone through a period of
21:21
Speaker 5: perhaps disappointing people for the betterment of themselves and regretted it. Obviously,
21:26
Speaker 5: you can disappoint people around you because you do bad things,
21:29
Speaker 5: or you neglect yourself, or you know you do something terrible.
21:32
Speaker 5: But I don't think I've ever spoken to someone who said,
21:36
Speaker 5: I quit being this person because I knew it was
21:38
Speaker 5: best for me, and I regret that. Or I let
21:42
Speaker 5: my parents down because I was honoring something that I
21:45
Speaker 5: deeply needed to try, and I regret that. Like, no
21:48
Speaker 5: one regrets doing what's best for them, what's best of them,
21:51
Speaker 5: based on like a really deep gut instinct. It is
21:53
Speaker 5: a choice. Like you can choose to ignore that instinct,
21:56
Speaker 5: and that's totally your decision, but it is a decision.
21:59
Speaker 5: You did make a choice to do that. Yeah, Like,
22:02
Speaker 5: just because people expect certain things from you and I
22:04
Speaker 5: know the pressure is very very loud, doesn't mean you
22:07
Speaker 5: can't push back against it. And if you choose not to,
22:12
Speaker 5: you have to be aware of what the consequences of
22:13
Speaker 5: that might be. And you can still choose to do that,
22:16
Speaker 5: but I do think you can't then turn around and
22:18
Speaker 5: be like point the finger at someone and be like,
22:20
Speaker 5: you're the reason my life is bad. You're the reason
22:22
Speaker 5: my life is crap. Like, No, you chose to live
22:24
Speaker 5: into their expectations for you in many ways.
22:28
Speaker 4: What's the self absorption paradox?
22:30
Speaker 5: Oh? Well, you know what I was gonna talk about
22:32
Speaker 5: this before, when we were talking about how we need
22:34
Speaker 5: to think about ourselves more in terms of our identity. Yeah,
22:38
Speaker 5: so there is this thing called the self absorption paradox,
22:40
Speaker 5: which is basically like, the more you think about yourself
22:42
Speaker 5: and your problems, the less in touch with yourself you become,
22:46
Speaker 5: and actually like the more like selfish, but also the
22:49
Speaker 5: more just like confused you get. Yeah. So, the thing
22:52
Speaker 5: that I liked about what we were saying before is like,
22:54
Speaker 5: use the time you're going to think about yourself to
22:56
Speaker 5: think about yourself in a productive way. Thinking about myself
22:59
Speaker 5: through the lens of how other people are thinking about me. Yeah,
23:01
Speaker 5: I'm thinking about myself because I hate my outfit and
23:03
Speaker 5: I hate what I look like here, And oh, Did
23:06
Speaker 5: I do that right? Did I do that wrong? I
23:07
Speaker 5: want our people assume about me from.
23:09
Speaker 6: The external validation point of view.
23:11
Speaker 5: Don't really think about the things that are wrong in
23:13
Speaker 5: your life, like you should think about yourself in terms
23:16
Speaker 5: of like, Okay, what are the things that are actually
23:19
Speaker 5: bothering me that if I were to think about them
23:22
Speaker 5: more in a critical way I could improve upon Versus
23:26
Speaker 5: what are things that I have thought about so many
23:28
Speaker 5: times over and I'm just doing so because it's reassuring
23:32
Speaker 5: to think about them, or because it brings like a
23:34
Speaker 5: certain level of comfort. And actually part of like finding
23:37
Speaker 5: your way back to yourself, which I talk about in
23:38
Speaker 5: that original episode, is finding your way back to yourself
23:43
Speaker 5: through others. Sometimes you need to actually just take a
23:47
Speaker 5: step away. You've done all those exercises, if you've really
23:50
Speaker 5: thought deeply put them into practice first, yes, but then also,
23:54
Speaker 5: how could you put them into practice in terms of
23:56
Speaker 5: serving others? How could you think about other people a
23:59
Speaker 5: little bit more like volunteering, becoming friends with your neighbors,
24:02
Speaker 5: doing kind things for your friends, like doing things for
24:05
Speaker 5: your community. The most like me I feel is when
24:08
Speaker 5: I'm like doing that kind of stuff. Yeah, and I
24:11
Speaker 5: know where I was like, go and volunteer, Like it's
24:13
Speaker 5: actually really fulfilling and like you really do see the
24:17
Speaker 5: best sides of yourself and your humanity, and like it's
24:21
Speaker 5: also a self esteem booster. Maybe that's just what you
24:23
Speaker 5: really need.
24:24
Speaker 1: We were talking about this on an episode on Tuesday,
24:28
Speaker 1: and it was like the law of reciprocity. Ye love,
24:32
Speaker 1: how when you do good things for others you get
24:37
Speaker 1: the feeling back, not because they've done something for you,
24:39
Speaker 1: but the way that it makes you feel to do
24:41
Speaker 1: good to others and how like and.
24:43
Speaker 5: It makes you like other people more as well.
24:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, crazy frank It took me like seventeen goals to
24:49
Speaker 1: get that word right though. Every time I said how
24:53
Speaker 1: would you say this, and she's like, reciprocity out report, Yeah,
24:58
Speaker 1: rechie party Taurus, Yeah that one.
25:01
Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you.
25:02
Speaker 3: I've never heard of the Ben Franklin effect before.
25:05
Speaker 5: The Ben Franklin effect is like if you do nice
25:07
Speaker 5: things for other people, you'll like them more so, like.
25:11
Speaker 3: You see the humanity and other people.
25:13
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's like, okay, so if someone is like super
25:15
Speaker 5: mean to you, and like your neighbor, if your neighbor's
25:18
Speaker 5: like super mean to you, and then you bring their
25:19
Speaker 5: pins in like you like the more and it will
25:22
Speaker 5: make you feel I guess maybe it's like an e
25:25
Speaker 5: makes you like less.
25:26
Speaker 4: I feel like it makes you less angry.
25:28
Speaker 5: Yeah, because they all do with that. Yeah yeah, yeah,
25:31
Speaker 5: the rage bait's been getting me recently.
25:33
Speaker 1: Oh god, but that's not anyone's fault as well, Like
25:35
Speaker 1: new cycle burnout is so prevalent at the moment, and
25:39
Speaker 1: like it's pretty fucking normal for everything that's happening to
25:44
Speaker 1: be angry. Yeah, but that's not obviously a healthy state
25:49
Speaker 1: to be sitting with and I feel emotions.
25:51
Speaker 5: I feel angry. Iff Like that's how I kind of
25:53
Speaker 5: lost myself for a little while, where I was just
25:55
Speaker 5: like angry. Oh, I was angry, I was irritated, the
25:58
Speaker 5: world felt terrible, and then I was like, I need
26:00
Speaker 5: to get off my phone and get.
26:04
Speaker 1: Being resentful and resenting work, resenting your friends, resenting your partner,
26:10
Speaker 1: being resentful is burnout totally, and so doing nice things
26:16
Speaker 1: for other people is a really good way to kind
26:19
Speaker 1: of maybe go back to the version of yourself that
26:21
Speaker 1: you like a little bit more. Because I absolutely adore
26:25
Speaker 1: myself when I'm having fun and I'm girly pop and
26:27
Speaker 1: I feel sparkly and fun and blah blah blah, like, yeah,
26:30
Speaker 1: you know, that's always the better time.
26:32
Speaker 5: Also, I don't know anyone whose natural state is to
26:35
Speaker 5: be mean. I know people's.
26:40
Speaker 3: Living in like discomfort days they've gotten to.
26:43
Speaker 5: Lost a long time ago. You can always go that.
26:46
Speaker 1: Okay, So after listening to this episode, what's one thing
26:51
Speaker 1: every chick should do to feel more like themselves?
26:54
Speaker 5: Go and make a playlist of all the songs that
26:57
Speaker 5: you think reflect you best and call it like Gemma's
27:00
Speaker 5: playlist or Alex's playlist or Sally's playlist. And I'm not
27:04
Speaker 5: just talking like songs that hype you up. I'm talking
27:06
Speaker 5: like the songs that you listen to where you're like,
27:08
Speaker 5: I could have written this song. This deeply describes me.
27:11
Speaker 5: If you were going to give a playlist to someone
27:13
Speaker 5: else and say, I listening to this playlist, you could
27:16
Speaker 5: understand me as a person. You could understand what I've
27:19
Speaker 5: been through, maybe some of my life chapters, maybe like
27:22
Speaker 5: my personality, my like vibrance. You should make one of those.
27:28
Speaker 5: I have one. It's great, And then anytime I feel.
27:30
Speaker 6: Like, what's one song on it?
27:32
Speaker 5: One song is a really old song called Met an
27:35
Speaker 5: Old Friend by Lucinda Williams, and it's really like quite
27:39
Speaker 5: a sad song, but it's about like meeting an old
27:41
Speaker 5: friend and feeling like both sad and happy about that feeling.
27:45
Speaker 3: What about you?
27:49
Speaker 5: It's really sad. I would not necessarily recommend it.
27:51
Speaker 3: No, that sounds like a beautiful song about death as well,
27:54
Speaker 3: So okay, don't tell the biases this please?
27:58
Speaker 5: In the room?
28:00
Speaker 3: What would be online?
28:01
Speaker 2: The first thing that popped into my head is It's
28:04
Speaker 2: My Life by bon Jovi.
28:06
Speaker 3: I feel like that's a good one.
28:07
Speaker 5: That would be a very good song for your playlist.
28:09
Speaker 2: It's like an instant mood booster, but also like makes
28:12
Speaker 2: me feel really nostalgic, Like I can remember one time
28:15
Speaker 2: that I was like dancing to it at a bar
28:17
Speaker 2: with my sister and I see it like in slow motion,
28:20
Speaker 2: and it's like a really visceral memory, and I feel
28:23
Speaker 2: like that's something that I'll remember like when I'm an
28:25
Speaker 2: old lady.
28:26
Speaker 3: Sorry, yeah, what about you? El Oh?
28:31
Speaker 1: I feel like this is so lame, but like for
28:34
Speaker 1: good from Wicked Oh, because there's like so many people
28:39
Speaker 1: in my life that I truly feel like I've been
28:41
Speaker 1: changed for good.
28:42
Speaker 3: Because I knew them.
28:43
Speaker 5: What's that song?
28:44
Speaker 4: I'm not singing it?
28:45
Speaker 5: Yeah, dang it.
28:49
Speaker 4: I also think Summer of sixty nine.
28:50
Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've gone my first real six string
28:55
Speaker 7: I'll sing that. That song is like, like, yeah, that
29:01
Speaker 7: encompasses every emotion that I want to feel every day.
29:04
Speaker 5: It feels like I want to I want to be
29:05
Speaker 5: like I want to like.
29:07
Speaker 1: Nostalgia and happiness and like it's summer, nothing fucking matters.
29:12
Speaker 2: That song feels like the gap between Christmas and your year.
29:15
Speaker 6: Yes, oh my god, it really does.
29:17
Speaker 4: I'm actually gonna listen to that in the car only way.
29:20
Speaker 7: Yeah.
29:20
Speaker 1: It took me so long to realize what the title
29:22
Speaker 1: the Summer of sixty nine truly meant.
29:25
Speaker 5: It's just the summer of sixty nine.
29:30
Speaker 3: Having sixty The song was tex position overrated.
29:36
Speaker 5: I have to go comfortable. I don't want to plank.
29:41
Speaker 2: As always, we want to wrap up by asking you
29:43
Speaker 2: what's your biggest life lesson on your journey so far?
29:46
Speaker 5: Always like when you feel a calling to do something,
29:49
Speaker 5: always just do it. Act on the feeling, act on
29:52
Speaker 5: like the gut feeling. If it's really cooling.
29:57
Speaker 6: I'm hooked on.
30:02
Speaker 1: All right.
30:03
Speaker 5: Anyway.
30:04
Speaker 2: That's a wrap, Thank you so much for coming on
30:07
Speaker 2: the show. As always, will put all the links to
30:10
Speaker 2: all of your socials where people can pick up your book,
30:12
Speaker 2: listen to the pod and everything, because I'm sure everybody's
30:14
Speaker 2: obsessed if.
30:15
Speaker 3: They weren't already.
30:16
Speaker 2: But thank you so much for coming on, and we're
30:18
Speaker 2: so excited to go on the group Chat tour with you.
30:22
Speaker 2: Get your tickets, Chicks, Love you, chicks, Thanks for having
30:26
Speaker 2: us in your ear holes.
30:27
Speaker 3: Bye love yea, bye love you, Jim, Say bye Jim Jim,
30:32
Speaker 3: Bye Jimpim