Latest / Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler / Forgiveness is Selfish with Oliver Hudson

Transcript

Forgiveness is Selfish with Oliver Hudson · Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler

0:01
Speaker 1: Hello, Hello, Hello, maybe good good morning, and good afternoon
0:06
Speaker 1: and good evening. Hi. Hi, I'm getting ready to leave
0:11
Speaker 1: this country. I'm going to be on vacation for two months.
0:17
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm doing some dates in Canada. I have
0:19
Speaker 1: my Calgary and Vancouver dates, and then I have a
0:22
Speaker 1: ton of new dates in the fall too for Chelsea
0:24
Speaker 1: Hamdler dot com from my Vaccinated and Horny tour. So
0:27
Speaker 1: if you live in Tampa, if you live in Colorado Springs,
0:30
Speaker 1: if you live in a lot of different areas, I'm
0:32
Speaker 1: coming your way. You're even going to like Rockford and Rosemont,
0:35
Speaker 1: illinoisis best people. Those are my best people. Yeah. So
0:40
Speaker 1: I'm going on like very long winded trip family trips,
0:45
Speaker 1: friend trips. I have two months of new vacation time.
0:50
Speaker 1: Since I am newly single and previously had plans to
0:53
Speaker 1: spend that with my lover, I have pivoted and now
0:57
Speaker 1: made other plans and I'm going to some exciting play siss.
1:00
Speaker 1: I'm going to Greece. I'm going to Granada in the
1:02
Speaker 1: British Virgin Islands with some friends wonderful Moana Martha's Vineyard
1:06
Speaker 1: for my annual family trip. I am going to Vancouver,
1:11
Speaker 1: Island and British Columbia's hotspots there. And I'm going to
1:16
Speaker 1: my Orca for the month of September. Amazing, and you
1:19
Speaker 1: have really talked up my Yorka. I'm like, I think, well,
1:21
Speaker 1: you guys have to come and visit. Okay, twist my arm.
1:25
Speaker 1: I'm there the whole month. The first week and the
1:28
Speaker 1: last week I have openings. So if you're coming, you guys,
1:32
Speaker 1: come pick that week and we'll get you at bedroom
1:35
Speaker 1: and sorted. Okay, that's that's great. We'll record some intrails
1:38
Speaker 1: and things, then we can do our podcast. Katherine is
1:41
Speaker 1: sitting here going where you can't record one podcast while
1:44
Speaker 1: you're in my Orca. I'm like, Katherine, if you've seen
1:46
Speaker 1: me try to record anything on my own, you understand
1:48
Speaker 1: that it's impossible. I will happily fly to My yorka podcast.
1:53
Speaker 1: That's perfect. It's a work trip. That's a tax right off,
1:55
Speaker 1: exactly exactly. Now, that's so much fun. Yeah. So I
2:00
Speaker 1: won't be home for two months, so I my dogs
2:02
Speaker 1: could be dead by the time I get back. By
2:04
Speaker 1: the way, people have sent in a lot of chow rescues,
2:07
Speaker 1: so I will have to send all of those to
2:09
Speaker 1: you have been so sweet since Joe Coy and I
2:12
Speaker 1: broke up. It's like they know that I need them. Yeah,
2:14
Speaker 1: except for he's so restless. I put him in my
2:16
Speaker 1: bed and he just won't stay there. He just goes
2:18
Speaker 1: like this, and if you stop petting him, he needs more,
2:21
Speaker 1: puts his head back and put his head back and
2:22
Speaker 1: puts his head back, you know, and you're just like what, yeah, yeah,
2:27
Speaker 1: but that's how they give love, right. My dog just
2:29
Speaker 1: literally yells at me. She'll bark at me and to
2:31
Speaker 1: give her a treat, which is like why she gets treats.
2:34
Speaker 1: You know, I shouldn't reinforce her behavior, but yeah, she
2:38
Speaker 1: just yells at me until we either like play with
2:39
Speaker 1: her or give her treats or give her whatever she wants. Yeah, yeah,
2:43
Speaker 1: I know. I can't wait to have a different don
2:47
Speaker 1: I can't wait for a new dog to come into
2:49
Speaker 1: my life. But it's too irresponsible, obviously. Do you know
2:52
Speaker 1: when I'm leaving to for two months? To be fair,
2:54
Speaker 1: you leave them like with a caretake. Yeah, but I
2:57
Speaker 1: mean that's why my bell is like I have to stay.
2:59
Speaker 1: That's how the rental house. I was like, course, I
3:01
Speaker 1: don't expect you to bring them. I'm like, bring your
3:04
Speaker 1: whole family here, live here. Why not? This is the
3:07
Speaker 1: moment we're just inviting everybody to live with. There's never
3:09
Speaker 1: been a bigger waste of money than this rental house
3:11
Speaker 1: that I live in, because I'm here like two days
3:14
Speaker 1: a month, and it is absurdly priced, and of course
3:18
Speaker 1: I'm have no economical sense, and it's just ridiculous because
3:23
Speaker 1: your house that we were talking about like a year
3:25
Speaker 1: and a half ago was still being renning made out.
3:26
Speaker 1: Oh I went. I took my friends there this weekend
3:28
Speaker 1: to show them and it's nine months away, and I'm like,
3:31
Speaker 1: I gotta have to get I go. Maybe I just
3:33
Speaker 1: give up this rental because in December I'll go to Whistler.
3:35
Speaker 1: I'll be there for four months. So I why am
3:37
Speaker 1: I renting a house? The only thing, the only reason
3:40
Speaker 1: I continue to do this in my white privilege state,
3:43
Speaker 1: is because it's a landing pad for everything that is me.
3:46
Speaker 1: Like if I have to come home for work in
3:48
Speaker 1: between that time, I have a place, I have my clothes,
3:50
Speaker 1: I've got my stuff. Otherwise I'm coming back to a
3:53
Speaker 1: hotel and that doesn't sound right. And then you're like
3:56
Speaker 1: never not living out of a suitcase, right exactly. So
3:59
Speaker 1: I anyway, you're welcome to stay at my rental house
4:02
Speaker 1: as well off in Beverly Hills, and you want to
4:05
Speaker 1: look at some funky plastic surgery. Driving around those streets,
4:07
Speaker 1: I've never seen I've never seen so many faces that
4:10
Speaker 1: look the same. And you're like, are you thirty or sixty?
4:13
Speaker 1: No one knows. That's a mystery. I just learned about
4:16
Speaker 1: the b BL, the Brazilian butt lift. Wow, what do
4:20
Speaker 1: you mean? Just everyone has that? I know, I like
4:23
Speaker 1: just learned about it. I just like figured that all
4:25
Speaker 1: the Kardashians look that way. And my friend was like, no, Catherine,
4:28
Speaker 1: you know what my doctor did. I just my doctor
4:30
Speaker 1: took fat out of my not my butt, He took
4:32
Speaker 1: fat out of like my flank or whatever over here
4:35
Speaker 1: and put it in my face and put it in
4:37
Speaker 1: my cheeks right here around this area. I was like, oh,
4:41
Speaker 1: he's like, yeah, that will last you for about ten years.
4:43
Speaker 1: I was like, last me. And because he goes, you
4:45
Speaker 1: know how your face, all these pads on your face,
4:48
Speaker 1: they start to sink as you get older. So the
4:52
Speaker 1: idea is to give your own body its own plasma,
4:55
Speaker 1: it's own fat to reconstitute that, and then they stay rejecting. Yeah,
5:00
Speaker 1: it's like your own stuff, so like that. Yeah, so
5:03
Speaker 1: I have that. So now I have two nice little
5:04
Speaker 1: indentations on my hips where it looks like I was
5:08
Speaker 1: turned into some sort of sex robot where you should
5:11
Speaker 1: have cheeks. I had a family member who did that, say,
5:16
Speaker 1: maybe fifteen years ago or so, and she still looks incredible. Actually,
5:20
Speaker 1: have a couple of extended family members and people that
5:22
Speaker 1: I know who did the thing of like I just
5:24
Speaker 1: want to look like myself ten years ago, and they
5:26
Speaker 1: all look stunning. Yeah that's good. Yeah, I like to
5:29
Speaker 1: start early with those things, get ahead of it before
5:32
Speaker 1: it becomes too much of an issue. You know. Like
5:34
Speaker 1: my neck really was bothering me. So I just got
5:36
Speaker 1: this major which so fucking painful, the thermage and the
5:40
Speaker 1: opus when I canceled my trip to Hawaii, and I
5:44
Speaker 1: was like, well, what can I do to my face?
5:46
Speaker 1: And it was so brutal, like I looked like a
5:48
Speaker 1: burn victim. But look how tight my neck looks extremely tight? Right,
5:51
Speaker 1: So I had that leathery iguana thing going. And now
5:53
Speaker 1: it's like, by the way, all of these procedures are
5:57
Speaker 1: so expensive, So just don't pretend that I'm not pretending
5:59
Speaker 1: that or not. It's like six thousand dollars or something.
6:02
Speaker 1: So I just want to be very honest with everybody.
6:05
Speaker 1: I feel like anything that makes you feel more like
6:08
Speaker 1: yourself and better about yourself and makes you like have
6:11
Speaker 1: one less thing that you have to think about every day.
6:14
Speaker 1: Do it if you can afford it, you feel good
6:16
Speaker 1: about it, and you're not doing it because you feel
6:19
Speaker 1: bad about yourself, or you're not doing it because of
6:20
Speaker 1: someone else's preference of what you would look like. Do it? Yeah,
6:25
Speaker 1: oh yeah, absolutely, I'm all positive. You know. What I
6:28
Speaker 1: just don't like is sucking people lying about what they
6:30
Speaker 1: do and not admitting it. That's really damaging because like,
6:33
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but obviously you've had plastic surgery, you know
6:37
Speaker 1: what I mean. Like, don't pretend that you know these
6:40
Speaker 1: girls are looking up to you, like cop to it
6:43
Speaker 1: so that girls know that's not an attainable thing unless
6:46
Speaker 1: you have money or resources or you know, personal trainers
6:50
Speaker 1: and nutritionists and all these different things and lasers like it.
6:53
Speaker 1: There is a whole spectrum of things. It's not just
6:57
Speaker 1: Beyonce did not wake up like this. She did not.
7:00
Speaker 1: We love her, but she didn't. Yeah, right, neither did
7:03
Speaker 1: Kim Kardashian. Right, but we love her too. Apparently we do,
7:07
Speaker 1: because apparently the Kardashians are royalty in this country. Now,
7:11
Speaker 1: you know, I know one was more wrong about the
7:13
Speaker 1: Kardashians than I was. I cannot believe that they are
7:18
Speaker 1: like the royal family of America completely. My favorite is
7:21
Speaker 1: it's always been Chloe, because I've always gotten a long
7:23
Speaker 1: will with Chloe. But Courtney I really like. I like
7:26
Speaker 1: her love story with Travis Parker. And she's real and
7:29
Speaker 1: she doesn't she looks real and she doesn't complain, I mean,
7:32
Speaker 1: and she doesn't really want to be famous. Respect somebody
7:39
Speaker 1: who actively is famous. I respect somebody who has chooses yes.
7:44
Speaker 1: I think the most amazing thing about Kim and what
7:47
Speaker 1: she has done is she not only created a career
7:51
Speaker 1: out of basically people giving a shit about what's happening
7:54
Speaker 1: in your life, because most people nobody gets should what
7:57
Speaker 1: bobble was happening in your life. She created a career
7:59
Speaker 1: for herself often her family out of that. But she also,
8:03
Speaker 1: I think almost singlehandedly created an entire industry around that. Influencers,
8:10
Speaker 1: every influencer ohs Kim Kardashian, like every influencer should send
8:14
Speaker 1: her a dollar. Truly is not necessary. Does she need
8:17
Speaker 1: another dollar? Maybe not, but just like a thank you,
8:19
Speaker 1: why don't you give a dollar to a homeless person
8:21
Speaker 1: if you're an influencer, that's helpful. I guess in a
8:24
Speaker 1: better choice. We are going to take a quick break
8:27
Speaker 1: so you can hear an add and then we'll be
8:29
Speaker 1: right back. Our guest today, you, guys, is a hot mess.
8:37
Speaker 1: He is a really really something. He's a real piece
8:40
Speaker 1: of work. He's from the Hawn Hudson clan, which means
8:44
Speaker 1: he is Goldie Hawn's son and Kate Hudson's brother, which
8:48
Speaker 1: is family should be introduced at all times. We have
8:52
Speaker 1: Oliver Hudson here today because he has a new podcast
8:55
Speaker 1: that he's promoting and texted me and said, Chelse, you
8:58
Speaker 1: don't have to say yes, but can I please come
9:00
Speaker 1: on your podcast to promote my new podcast? And I said,
9:03
Speaker 1: of course, of course, Oliver, I mean you don't have
9:06
Speaker 1: to say yes. Comes from such a place of well,
9:09
Speaker 1: let's talk about your insecurity. Welcome to Oliver Hudson. Hi, honey,
9:13
Speaker 1: how are you. I'm good? I'm so happy to see you.
9:16
Speaker 1: I haven't seen you in months. It's been a long
9:18
Speaker 1: long time. Yeah, I've seen your sister and your mother
9:20
Speaker 1: more recently, but that's been a long time. I know.
9:22
Speaker 1: We have an interesting relationship. It's it's it's digital, you know,
9:26
Speaker 1: and then we sort of bump into each other and
9:29
Speaker 1: realized that we could be more. Yeah, right, right, that's
9:33
Speaker 1: exactly what we're realizing. Yeah, but I think that the
9:35
Speaker 1: distance is what has kept us friends, has kept us close,
9:38
Speaker 1: is like many relationships exactly. So I know you have
9:43
Speaker 1: a lot going on, and I'm really excited about your
9:44
Speaker 1: new podcast, which is called Unconsciously Coupled. Gwyneth gave us
9:49
Speaker 1: that we just spun it a little bit. Yeah, I
9:51
Speaker 1: didn't pick up on that yet. Who knew what Gwyneth
9:53
Speaker 1: Paltrow was going to be coining a phrase for everybody
9:55
Speaker 1: to live by for the rest of their lives. And
9:57
Speaker 1: I know, and you got so much shipped for it too,
10:00
Speaker 1: Kate when she started it. Now, of course it's like
10:02
Speaker 1: a mainstream you know, right, the way to break up
10:05
Speaker 1: is on couple and now it's well, you did a
10:10
Speaker 1: nice play onwards. Your podcast with Kate is called Sibling
10:15
Speaker 1: and you're still doing that, still doing that. So that's
10:17
Speaker 1: how this whole thing even came about because Kate was working,
10:20
Speaker 1: she was in Europe last year doing her things. So
10:22
Speaker 1: Aaron and I took over the Sibling Revelry feed and
10:25
Speaker 1: we were just talking about our life. In the first episode,
10:29
Speaker 1: was very detailed about sort of my infidelity when we
10:32
Speaker 1: were engaged, and it was very open and raw and honest,
10:35
Speaker 1: and she was Aaron was amazing in the way that
10:38
Speaker 1: she dealt with that, in the way that she articulated
10:40
Speaker 1: it on the show. And then we just kept doing
10:43
Speaker 1: We did eight of them, and the response was so
10:45
Speaker 1: great and we had so much fun that a year later,
10:49
Speaker 1: now it's been a year, we said, well, let's just
10:51
Speaker 1: let's do this, you know, just honestly, because we love
10:54
Speaker 1: it and and you are in a very professional set
10:56
Speaker 1: up here. We are literally in bed with with Nate,
11:00
Speaker 1: you with a joint and a bottle of wine and
11:02
Speaker 1: just riffing on our life in relationship and kids, and
11:05
Speaker 1: it's it's really it's fun. Yeah, you guys have had
11:07
Speaker 1: a long relationship with ups and downs. Oh my god,
11:12
Speaker 1: sixteen Mary just had our sixteen year anniversary twenty one
11:16
Speaker 1: together and what did you guys do for your sixteenth anniversary.
11:19
Speaker 1: We actually don't really do much normally, but we went
11:23
Speaker 1: to Surf Rider Motel, which is a motel in Malibu.
11:26
Speaker 1: It was it was refurbished about five years ago from
11:29
Speaker 1: like a ship Bag Motels, something really nice and we
11:31
Speaker 1: just had, you know, we had the moment. You know, no,
11:36
Speaker 1: it's been that. That was a special, Like the silver
11:40
Speaker 1: anniversary is twenty five and sixteen is anal you know,
11:42
Speaker 1: we actually have an anniversary and it was in Paris
11:52
Speaker 1: like a while ago, and something happened. Yeah. Well, Paris
11:55
Speaker 1: is super romantic, very anally there. That's what happens when
11:58
Speaker 1: you go to places like that. Once you see the louver,
12:01
Speaker 1: it's all over. But it was fun, it was good.
12:05
Speaker 1: I mean, we always try to get away from the kids,
12:09
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. It's important, I think to
12:12
Speaker 1: make time for yourself and your relationship and and then
12:15
Speaker 1: and the kids are good, you know, they're good. Yeah. Well,
12:16
Speaker 1: I would say Ali that you're somebody who's very in
12:19
Speaker 1: touch with the emotional side of things for a straight
12:21
Speaker 1: white male, right, You're very in touch with yourself. You
12:25
Speaker 1: like to talk about your emotions. I know, you're very
12:27
Speaker 1: open about going to therapy and everything you've learned about
12:30
Speaker 1: being in a relationship, even your your family dynamics between
12:34
Speaker 1: your brothers, your sister, your mom, you know, your dad.
12:38
Speaker 1: So where do you feel like you've had the most
12:40
Speaker 1: growth in your life with regard to spirituality therapy because
12:44
Speaker 1: you guys are all very spiritual as well. Well. Therapy
12:47
Speaker 1: has been around and have been in my life for
12:48
Speaker 1: a long time. My mom trying to put me into
12:50
Speaker 1: therapy when I was sixteen years old. The doctor was
12:52
Speaker 1: just talking to me about golf the whole time, and
12:54
Speaker 1: I was like, this is not working. You know, gotten
12:57
Speaker 1: to therapy in my early twenties, and I think probably honestly,
13:02
Speaker 1: going to this Hoffman Institute, Oh god, you got to
13:05
Speaker 1: talk about four years ago, four years ago, almost four
13:08
Speaker 1: years ago. Now it changed my whole perspective. I have
13:12
Speaker 1: never heard one bad review of the Hoffman I haven't either.
13:15
Speaker 1: I haven't either. I know Justin Bieber came right after me,
13:18
Speaker 1: and I think he left after four days. Well, so
13:20
Speaker 1: that's what That's what a lot of people try to do, right,
13:23
Speaker 1: And if you're Justin Bieber, you can leave after four days. Yeah, right,
13:27
Speaker 1: I don't think he was like and then bailed. But Katherine,
13:30
Speaker 1: who was who do we have on? That was Katie
13:32
Speaker 1: Perry about it? Well, this is how I even heard
13:35
Speaker 1: about it all because it just filtered down. It was
13:37
Speaker 1: a Katie Perry, then Jamie ms Rocky and you know,
13:40
Speaker 1: it's an amazing place and it's becoming very popular now,
13:45
Speaker 1: which I guess is good. But at the same time,
13:48
Speaker 1: you could see Katy Perry or Justin Bieber there. Yeah,
13:51
Speaker 1: you know, I mean everyone is going because it is
13:53
Speaker 1: really a if you, if you commit to the experience
13:57
Speaker 1: and let go of your ego, it can do amazing things.
14:01
Speaker 1: You know, because me personally went there and I was
14:04
Speaker 1: just tight. You know, you see what you have to
14:06
Speaker 1: do and you feel stupid, you know, you feel like
14:09
Speaker 1: an asshole. You're you know, beating a pillow with a
14:11
Speaker 1: whiffball bat and screaming mommy or whatever the hell it
14:14
Speaker 1: is you do, and you're like, what the funk is this?
14:16
Speaker 1: And I it took me two days to finally sort
14:19
Speaker 1: of surrender to it, and then once I did, it
14:23
Speaker 1: opened me up to be able to take it in
14:26
Speaker 1: and not feel so self conscious. And for me, the
14:30
Speaker 1: breakthrough was I just couldn't. It was specifically with this exercise,
14:34
Speaker 1: and I couldn't go there because I felt people were
14:36
Speaker 1: watching me. And by the way, it brought out the
14:39
Speaker 1: root of all my ship, which is I don't want
14:41
Speaker 1: to look stupid. I don't want people to dislike me,
14:44
Speaker 1: you know. And as an actor, it's a hard place
14:47
Speaker 1: to be because you're constantly trying to please rather than saying,
14:50
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't give a funk what people
14:51
Speaker 1: think about me. But I did so much so that
14:54
Speaker 1: I wasn't even able to partake in this this process
14:58
Speaker 1: until finally everyone's beating the ship out of this and
15:02
Speaker 1: crying and it's it's like a crazy it's crazy, and
15:06
Speaker 1: I'm sitting there and I just stopped and I say,
15:08
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do this my way. And this specifically was
15:11
Speaker 1: about my mother, this one exercise, who is the most
15:14
Speaker 1: amazing human being in my life. And you would think
15:17
Speaker 1: I would go there for my dad and for Kurt,
15:19
Speaker 1: who's my stepdad. My mom has always been the constant.
15:22
Speaker 1: Interestingly enough, she was the one who came through the
15:24
Speaker 1: most because she was my primary caregiver and when she
15:27
Speaker 1: wasn't there, it hurt a lot more. You know what
15:30
Speaker 1: I mean, which is a whole other podcast we can
15:33
Speaker 1: get into. But I just got quiet. I went to
15:35
Speaker 1: do a more of a meditative state, and I stopped
15:38
Speaker 1: hitting anything, and I just really went back and went
15:40
Speaker 1: internal and thought about my life and thought about my
15:42
Speaker 1: mom and tried to find that whatever anger that was,
15:46
Speaker 1: and it started to bubble up, you know, and then
15:48
Speaker 1: I took it from there and then you know, went
15:51
Speaker 1: nuts on the on the so Okay, Yeah, I hear
15:57
Speaker 1: this a lot because some people say, you're not allowed
15:59
Speaker 1: to talk about Are you allowed to talk about the
16:01
Speaker 1: Hoffman Institute? Yeah? You are, I mean just not allowed
16:04
Speaker 1: to tell other people's personal stories, right, yes, yes, because
16:08
Speaker 1: you go in there and you go anonymously, right and
16:11
Speaker 1: you don't say your name, you don't you don't talk
16:13
Speaker 1: about what you do for a living. And at the end,
16:16
Speaker 1: you know there's a moment there where things might get revealed.
16:19
Speaker 1: But you go there anonymously, even though you might know people,
16:22
Speaker 1: which happens. How big is the group of people, it's
16:25
Speaker 1: like forty Then you splinter off in the little small groups.
16:29
Speaker 1: And it's really about just having compassion and forgiveness for
16:33
Speaker 1: your parents, because when you really get down to it.
16:36
Speaker 1: And this is what I got to with my father,
16:38
Speaker 1: especially whose dad bailed on him when he was five.
16:42
Speaker 1: He didn't have much of a shot, you know what
16:44
Speaker 1: I mean, especially in the sixties where therapy wasn't the
16:48
Speaker 1: norm and you weren't really looking out for your mental health.
16:51
Speaker 1: He was just okay, you know, your dad left and
16:54
Speaker 1: now you're off into the world. And so when it
16:56
Speaker 1: got tough for him, he just bailed and he has
16:59
Speaker 1: his own door. But through this experience, through Hoffman, I
17:03
Speaker 1: just found incredible forgiveness and compassion for my father because
17:08
Speaker 1: he didn't have much of a shot, you know what
17:10
Speaker 1: I mean. It was amazing. The whole thing, the whole
17:12
Speaker 1: experience was really incredible, and is end always to forgive
17:16
Speaker 1: your parents for what they have done. Well, like I'm
17:19
Speaker 1: thinking of the staircase, to show the staircase with those
17:22
Speaker 1: fucking kids and then believing their father. But also I
17:26
Speaker 1: was just so upset for the woman who had died
17:29
Speaker 1: that these kids still believe this guy when he's so
17:31
Speaker 1: obviously guilty. Like you have to be able to see
17:34
Speaker 1: your parents clearly at some point, yes, and then maybe
17:37
Speaker 1: forgive them, but not until they've come clean. In a sense.
17:41
Speaker 1: I don't know. I guess I think it's personal. You
17:44
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Forgiveness is selfish in a sense
17:48
Speaker 1: because it really takes weight off of you. It's not
17:50
Speaker 1: about other individual. It's a very selfish thing. I forgive
17:54
Speaker 1: you so I feel better essentially. So if that's what
17:56
Speaker 1: you need, and you can truly feel that even given
17:59
Speaker 1: whatever circumstance you know that parent had put you in,
18:03
Speaker 1: then if that's what's gonna do it, that's what's gonna
18:05
Speaker 1: do it. I just watched this documentary called Active Shooter
18:07
Speaker 1: last night, like they had all the different and it
18:09
Speaker 1: was just unbelievable to see. And there was one specific
18:13
Speaker 1: in Charleston at the church, and the forgiveness that these
18:17
Speaker 1: people had for this killer was just so inspiring in
18:21
Speaker 1: a way, and it wasn't fake. It was just coming
18:24
Speaker 1: from a real place of faith for them and that
18:28
Speaker 1: they were able to let go and to continue on
18:31
Speaker 1: with their lives, you know, because of that. And that's
18:34
Speaker 1: great for them, But then there's some other people who
18:37
Speaker 1: just can't. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm a
18:39
Speaker 1: I do forgive, but with the big things, I mean,
18:42
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know if I'd be able to
18:43
Speaker 1: do that. Yeah, I mean, because forgiveness seems active for
18:46
Speaker 1: a while, right, you have to actively forgive somebody and
18:49
Speaker 1: actively say, you know, I want the best for you,
18:52
Speaker 1: I want you to thrive and I want and then
18:54
Speaker 1: if somebody's really wronged you, it's kind of hard to
18:56
Speaker 1: get there in an active way. You can have moments
18:58
Speaker 1: of forgiveness, but to be steady and constantly forgive is
19:02
Speaker 1: another story, which is more applicable to like a primary
19:06
Speaker 1: caregiver and attachment figure, like you're talking about, well, I'm
19:09
Speaker 1: glad you're off of the When did you go to
19:11
Speaker 1: the Huffman's almost four years ago? Four years ago? And
19:14
Speaker 1: there's a honeymoon phase to it all. And then of course,
19:17
Speaker 1: you know, life sucking happens and you close up, and
19:19
Speaker 1: you know, you fall back in your patterns and and
19:22
Speaker 1: the great thing is they tell you that, like, don't
19:23
Speaker 1: don't leave here thinking you're just cured. We're giving you
19:26
Speaker 1: tools now to deal with your life. It's it's it's
19:29
Speaker 1: gonna get rough. It's life, you know. But that honeymoon
19:32
Speaker 1: phase is pretty cool. Yeah, I think that applies to
19:36
Speaker 1: any sort of therapy that you go to two. It's like,
19:38
Speaker 1: you know, you feel like you're cured and you're like,
19:40
Speaker 1: I've got you know, my toolbox now, and it's never
19:43
Speaker 1: going to be sucked up again. And the whole point
19:45
Speaker 1: of life is like it's never just gonna be like
19:47
Speaker 1: smooth sailing for here on end. Like that's never going
19:50
Speaker 1: to be the plan for anybody. And if it is,
19:53
Speaker 1: I mean, you're really lucky. But I wouldn't even say
19:55
Speaker 1: you're lucky because without you know, rough waters, you don't
19:58
Speaker 1: have growth, and you in order to really grow and evolve,
20:02
Speaker 1: we do have to go through difficult times and internalize
20:05
Speaker 1: things and become self conscious and become like worried about
20:09
Speaker 1: what other people are thinking. You know. I went through
20:11
Speaker 1: that period of time when I went to therapy because
20:13
Speaker 1: I had never gone before, and I was so confident,
20:15
Speaker 1: like almost you know, arrogant, well not almost arrogant, but
20:19
Speaker 1: and misplaced confidence where I just was like believed everything
20:22
Speaker 1: I did was great and right. And then you start
20:25
Speaker 1: to question, you know, you get a little bit of
20:27
Speaker 1: self awareness and you start to think about everything, and
20:30
Speaker 1: then you start to wonder what other people are thinking
20:32
Speaker 1: about you, and then you're like, oh, this is ugly
20:35
Speaker 1: I don't like that at all, you know, I don't
20:37
Speaker 1: like feeling self conscious, but it's part of being a
20:40
Speaker 1: whole person. Yeah yeah. And then and then even with
20:42
Speaker 1: with a partner or even a friend. You know, again,
20:46
Speaker 1: it's important understand that we all do have our afflictions,
20:49
Speaker 1: and we're all dealing with our own ship. And I
20:51
Speaker 1: think sometimes we're easy to just say funk off and
20:54
Speaker 1: we're done with that relationship, because if one little thing
20:57
Speaker 1: has happened that may trigger you and now, oh I'm done,
21:00
Speaker 1: whether it be cheating or drinking or whatever it is.
21:03
Speaker 1: If there's some death to that relationship and it's really
21:06
Speaker 1: you're looking at the big picture and the person as
21:08
Speaker 1: a whole rather than the action, then there's a chance,
21:11
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And that's what Aaron did
21:13
Speaker 1: for me. Honestly, she could have easily been like, oh,
21:15
Speaker 1: you're gone, but she knew I was a good human being.
21:19
Speaker 1: I just had an issue, you know, And with the
21:22
Speaker 1: help of my mother and Aaron, she was able to
21:24
Speaker 1: sort of understand that, see that and stick around. And
21:27
Speaker 1: I remember saying to Aaron when I went through all
21:29
Speaker 1: of this, and by the way, I never got caught cheating.
21:30
Speaker 1: I told her everything because I couldn't hold on to
21:34
Speaker 1: this guilt and have a family and have a life.
21:37
Speaker 1: So I had to put it on the line there
21:39
Speaker 1: and tell her everything. Did you tell you? Didn't you
21:41
Speaker 1: tell Goldie? First? No? No, my mom did know of
21:45
Speaker 1: a certain certain couple of situations, you know what I mean.
21:48
Speaker 1: And my mom's reaction to it was so funny because
21:50
Speaker 1: she's laughing about it. You know, she's like a product
21:53
Speaker 1: of the sixties, and she's like, that's funny. I'm like, funny,
21:55
Speaker 1: I want to tell you. I'm in pain now and
21:58
Speaker 1: there's this strange woman in my tell room and I'm
22:00
Speaker 1: crying and don't know what to do with myself. She's like,
22:03
Speaker 1: that's classic of Oh my god, I love it, but
22:10
Speaker 1: I know it is. But I told Aaron, I told
22:12
Speaker 1: her everything, and I think that's what saved it to
22:15
Speaker 1: you know, I didn't get caught. I can't deal with
22:17
Speaker 1: this ship. And she was able to see me is
22:20
Speaker 1: who I was in in the bigger in the bigger context,
22:24
Speaker 1: and and we worked through it, you know, and I
22:26
Speaker 1: said to I said, look, I hope you stay because
22:28
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get better, not just not for you. I
22:30
Speaker 1: can't live like I can't be this person in a relationship,
22:33
Speaker 1: whether it's you or whoever it is next, Like I
22:36
Speaker 1: need to fix this, you know. Yeah, good for you. Yeah, Well,
22:40
Speaker 1: we're gonna apply all of your therapy and self help
22:43
Speaker 1: to our callers today. We have Yeah, we have a
22:45
Speaker 1: lot store in store for you today, Catherine. What do
22:48
Speaker 1: we have going on? Oh? I actually picked some really
22:52
Speaker 1: juicy ones for you, Oliver. I wish we had a
22:54
Speaker 1: lot of straight mail callers today and for Oliver, but
22:58
Speaker 1: I don't think we ever have a lot of straight mail.
23:00
Speaker 1: I think we've only had one whatever. Yes, we've got
23:06
Speaker 1: medicated since four years old. Mystery half sisters, mystery half sibling.
23:12
Speaker 1: Oh god, I have one of those. Oh excellent. Yeah,
23:18
Speaker 1: have like a note slipped under my door? Have one?
23:21
Speaker 1: Oh wow, I want to hear that. We'll take a
23:24
Speaker 1: quick break and we'll be right back with Oliver and
23:27
Speaker 1: Chelsea and Oliver and I are done with our bubble bath.
23:34
Speaker 1: We're back. Thank you for the back scrub. Well. Our
23:39
Speaker 1: first email comes from John. John says, Dear Chelsea. A
23:45
Speaker 1: little over a year ago, I started a business with
23:47
Speaker 1: a good friend when we were both unemployed and realized
23:50
Speaker 1: if we couldn't find jobs we wanted, we should create
23:52
Speaker 1: them for ourselves. At the time, it was pre vaccines
23:55
Speaker 1: and we both worked remotely trying to find clients and
23:58
Speaker 1: build our business, so the fact that my partner was
24:00
Speaker 1: a mom of two small children wasn't really an issue.
24:03
Speaker 1: Cut to now, our business is thriving and growing quickly.
24:07
Speaker 1: We're about to get an office space and hire our
24:09
Speaker 1: first employees, but my business partner still has to do
24:12
Speaker 1: pick up, drop off, dance lessons, making lunch, etcetera. For
24:15
Speaker 1: her kids. I'm a single, gay man, so I don't
24:18
Speaker 1: have any of these extra burdens, which I know are
24:20
Speaker 1: extremely stressful, but I can't help but feeling like I'm
24:23
Speaker 1: taking advantage of since I work full time on our business,
24:26
Speaker 1: and there are whole chunks of days, if not entire days,
24:29
Speaker 1: where she isn't able to work because of family responsibilities
24:32
Speaker 1: or a sick child, etcetera. Pre COVID when she worked
24:35
Speaker 1: full time at another office, the family had a nanny
24:38
Speaker 1: that they let go of when the pandemic hit, and
24:40
Speaker 1: they haven't tired a new one. They have, however, bought
24:43
Speaker 1: a second home and a new tesla, and my partner
24:46
Speaker 1: is always buying a new Chanelle bag or something else extravagant.
24:50
Speaker 1: At the end of last year, we even had to
24:52
Speaker 1: hire a freelancer for a couple of months to help us,
24:54
Speaker 1: which I don't think would have been necessary if my
24:56
Speaker 1: partner worked full time, but we shared the expense of
24:59
Speaker 1: this person. I'm concerned about our business growing any larger
25:02
Speaker 1: without her full commitment. I'd love to know what your
25:05
Speaker 1: thoughts are on how I can be sensitive to her
25:07
Speaker 1: being a mom and the difficulty that comes with that,
25:10
Speaker 1: as well as starting a business while still making sure
25:12
Speaker 1: their workload is equitable. Since we split all of the
25:15
Speaker 1: business income fifty fifty, thank you, John Well. I think
25:19
Speaker 1: that's pretty standard, like everything should be split fifty fifty.
25:23
Speaker 1: I think the way you just laid it out is
25:24
Speaker 1: actually perfect because it's fair, Like everything's fifty fifty, and
25:28
Speaker 1: if you have to bring on somebody to cover her time,
25:31
Speaker 1: that should be split fifty fifty as well between both
25:33
Speaker 1: of you. It's just fair. You know, she has her responsibilities,
25:37
Speaker 1: and obviously being a parent and having all of that
25:39
Speaker 1: are added responsibilities, but bringing on another person to supplement
25:43
Speaker 1: her shouldn't be her responsibility alone. It should be a
25:46
Speaker 1: shared responsibility between the two of you. Yes, right, because
25:50
Speaker 1: if the business is and it was from its inception,
25:53
Speaker 1: you can definitely relay your misgivings about moving forward and
25:56
Speaker 1: growing bigger, but make sure you get this out of
25:59
Speaker 1: the way sooner than later and talk about you know
26:01
Speaker 1: that this relationship or in this company is equal to
26:05
Speaker 1: both of you, and so if somebody has to come
26:07
Speaker 1: in and fill in the gaps for her, that's not
26:09
Speaker 1: on you and your free time. That's somebody that you're
26:12
Speaker 1: hiring together and splitting down the middle. But again, I
26:15
Speaker 1: guess the question though, then is if she was able
26:18
Speaker 1: to take more time and be a part of the business,
26:20
Speaker 1: than you wouldn't have to hire this person, right, So
26:23
Speaker 1: is he now sort of taking on her if they're
26:26
Speaker 1: only going fifty fifty you know what I mean? I
26:29
Speaker 1: think in good faith, in the pure yeah, in good
26:33
Speaker 1: faith in a partnership. I think the most generous and
26:35
Speaker 1: reasonable thing to do that's fair to both of you
26:38
Speaker 1: is to say, hey, I'm not going to punish you
26:40
Speaker 1: for having a family. Obviously, that's your life and that's
26:42
Speaker 1: your number one priority. But at the same time, this
26:45
Speaker 1: is my business and I want to be treated fairly
26:47
Speaker 1: and equally to you. So I'm going to go ahead
26:51
Speaker 1: and say, yes, we need the extra help. But I
26:53
Speaker 1: don't think, you know, I do think it's fair for
26:56
Speaker 1: them to split it. Do you think that he she
26:58
Speaker 1: should just be covering her? Well maybe I don't know.
27:01
Speaker 1: I mean, look when when when she's when she's buying
27:03
Speaker 1: tesla's and second homes, and but I don't think you can't.
27:08
Speaker 1: You can't, you can't. But then it sort of gets
27:10
Speaker 1: to you like, well, if you have a nanny, which
27:12
Speaker 1: you don't anymore, then we could be doing this instead
27:16
Speaker 1: of a tesla, Like why don't you bring someone on
27:18
Speaker 1: to help? But again, we don't know the personal lives
27:21
Speaker 1: of and I don't think you can go in and
27:22
Speaker 1: be like, hey, you just I will say this, having
27:26
Speaker 1: three kids and knowing how hard that is and how
27:30
Speaker 1: time consuming that can be. Beware of the child excuse,
27:35
Speaker 1: because I use it all the time, parents use it
27:38
Speaker 1: all the time, oh my kids, and you can't question
27:42
Speaker 1: that excuse. And sometimes it is just that an excuse,
27:46
Speaker 1: it is not a reality. So I would say beware.
27:49
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that she is doing that in any way,
27:52
Speaker 1: but I'm telling you from personal experience, I have used
27:55
Speaker 1: my children to be lazy because if I don't want
27:58
Speaker 1: to do something, I'm like, I can't got my kids.
28:01
Speaker 1: Wilder's got this thing, and I'm sorry, it's nuts. It's
28:04
Speaker 1: just nuts. You use a few buzzwords and then throw
28:06
Speaker 1: kids in there and then you're off the hall. Yeah. See,
28:09
Speaker 1: now what you're saying is and now that I'm thinking
28:10
Speaker 1: about what you said previously, you're right, like it is
28:12
Speaker 1: kind of her responsibility to clean up her side of
28:15
Speaker 1: the streets. So if there is a system being hired,
28:17
Speaker 1: I can see how it would be how it would
28:19
Speaker 1: make sense for her to actually cover that cost, like
28:22
Speaker 1: that person is covering her work. So but I would
28:26
Speaker 1: still say, in good will, like you have a burgeoning
28:29
Speaker 1: business that's doing well, and in good will to extend
28:33
Speaker 1: this relationship and make it as healthy as possible, I
28:36
Speaker 1: would offer up to split that expenditure that it is
28:39
Speaker 1: hiring a third person or I know you already have
28:41
Speaker 1: done that, you already have hired another person. But if
28:44
Speaker 1: there's somebody that we have to hire to compensate for
28:46
Speaker 1: her lack of time, I would say still split it,
28:50
Speaker 1: just more in good faith, and then that's it, you know,
28:53
Speaker 1: more taking you know, don't let yourself be taking advantage
28:56
Speaker 1: of beyond that, because then you've put one good foot
28:58
Speaker 1: forward and then she can meet you there. But I
29:00
Speaker 1: hear what you're saying, Ali, and I know a lot
29:02
Speaker 1: of people do do that to get primarily to get
29:04
Speaker 1: out of social engagements they don't want to go to.
29:06
Speaker 1: It's like, I mean, I've said I can't go because
29:09
Speaker 1: I have kids before, and people on how much do
29:12
Speaker 1: you know? I'm like my nieces and nephews are in town.
29:15
Speaker 1: You know, I say ship like that all the time.
29:18
Speaker 1: So it's good to know that people are having children
29:20
Speaker 1: to get out of socializing. It's one of the perks.
29:23
Speaker 1: You could have started smoking cigarettes. Well you did that too,
29:26
Speaker 1: but you've quit. Haven't you tried. Haven't you gone to
29:29
Speaker 1: carry Gainer? No? I know I have the books and
29:31
Speaker 1: the thing. No carry Gainer in Santa Monica. You go
29:34
Speaker 1: three times. He's a hypnotist, not Alan Carr Carr. Harry
29:38
Speaker 1: Gainer is. Yeah, I'll send you to contact everyone who
29:41
Speaker 1: goes to him. Quit. Yeah, good. I have. I have
29:43
Speaker 1: an issue with smoking when I'm working, Like it's Pavlovian,
29:46
Speaker 1: Like I go to work and I'm on set and boom,
29:49
Speaker 1: go home after a day and I drink and I smoke.
29:52
Speaker 1: You know, I'm a vice guys. You know it's tough.
29:56
Speaker 1: I mean, I smoked my weed, but I don't know,
29:58
Speaker 1: like I don't know who I am without sort of advice.
30:01
Speaker 1: It's kind of sad. Yeah, well maybe you'll get that
30:04
Speaker 1: sorted out. Yeah, if you really want to quit smoking,
30:06
Speaker 1: I mean you have to want to quit, but this
30:08
Speaker 1: will work for you. My driver's wife, Caroline went. She
30:11
Speaker 1: smoked for twenty six years and she never smoked again.
30:14
Speaker 1: And the last session he said to me, he goes,
30:15
Speaker 1: you're gonna go out tonight, and I said to I
30:17
Speaker 1: have to stay away from my smoking friends because it's
30:19
Speaker 1: three sessions in three weeks. So on the third session,
30:22
Speaker 1: you quit forever. And he says, I said, can I
30:24
Speaker 1: go out with my girlfriend's who smoke? And he said, yeah,
30:26
Speaker 1: I go out with anybody. He goes, it's going to
30:28
Speaker 1: be a foreign substance to you. And I never smoked again,
30:30
Speaker 1: really yeah, And I even tried one like six years later.
30:33
Speaker 1: We're in my worka and everyone's smoking. I go, let
30:35
Speaker 1: me try that. And I took one hit of it
30:37
Speaker 1: and I was like so yeah, if you want to
30:40
Speaker 1: quit where I mean, you have to deal with the
30:42
Speaker 1: way he looks, and that's tricky. It's like going on
30:45
Speaker 1: the set of three Company with Mr Furley. Um, but
30:48
Speaker 1: you know you can get past that. Well, John, let
30:53
Speaker 1: us know how it goes. I think a lot of
30:55
Speaker 1: these issues are gonna kind of fall away once they
30:57
Speaker 1: build the support staff. But my my dad was a
31:00
Speaker 1: successful businessman, always says partnerships are like lobster traps. It's
31:05
Speaker 1: very easy to get into them and very hard to
31:07
Speaker 1: get out without losing a limb or your life. So
31:11
Speaker 1: this might be the time to also think about buying
31:13
Speaker 1: her out, if that's an option. Okay, well then that's
31:15
Speaker 1: a third opinion. Yeah, I think that you've got a
31:17
Speaker 1: spectrum of opinions here, So just pick one, pick one,
31:22
Speaker 1: and let us know which one you chose, and let
31:25
Speaker 1: her have her handbags. Yeah. I was about to say
31:27
Speaker 1: that too. Don't get petty with that stuff that will
31:30
Speaker 1: ruin everything. This business is really good. Let's keep it.
31:33
Speaker 1: Let's keep it at bay a little bit. Don't start
31:36
Speaker 1: to bring up the tesla in the handbags, because that
31:38
Speaker 1: will throw it into an entire into a tailspin. Immediately defensive. Yeah.
31:42
Speaker 1: I was had a girlfriend who I had loaned I
31:44
Speaker 1: don't know, probably like over too and she bought a
31:49
Speaker 1: Tesla and I was like, are you fucking kidding me?
31:55
Speaker 1: I just could never speak to her again, you know,
31:57
Speaker 1: And do you believe that? I mean twenty thousand dollars
32:00
Speaker 1: over years and years, but just a constant fun up,
32:02
Speaker 1: always needing money, always needing help, support, blah blah blah.
32:05
Speaker 1: And you know I was her only friend that could
32:07
Speaker 1: help her with that. And then when she's when my
32:10
Speaker 1: friend goes, guess who just bought a Tesla, I was like, Okay,
32:13
Speaker 1: I'm done. I'm done now. Well, our first caller today
32:18
Speaker 1: is ev. The subject line of his email is medicated
32:22
Speaker 1: from four years old, proudly gay, undeniably resentful, and unable
32:27
Speaker 1: to tell the truth about it, Dear Chelsea. I was
32:30
Speaker 1: heavily medicated from the age of four until my mid twenties.
32:34
Speaker 1: My parents believed I had a plethora of learning disabilities
32:37
Speaker 1: a d h D, bipolar disordered depression, et cetera. As
32:41
Speaker 1: I got older, I started to taper off the medication
32:44
Speaker 1: without telling them, because I know it gives my mother
32:46
Speaker 1: a sense of security to know that I'm taking my meds.
32:50
Speaker 1: I no longer drink alcohol, take drugs or medications of
32:53
Speaker 1: any kind. I enjoy my life. I love my husband,
32:56
Speaker 1: and I love what I do. Is telling my parents
32:59
Speaker 1: that I don't take any meds now that I'm thirty
33:01
Speaker 1: one the right thing to do. And should I be
33:03
Speaker 1: upset with them for medicating me for so long? Yours truly?
33:07
Speaker 1: Ev Hi ev doing? Oh we're doing well? This is
33:13
Speaker 1: Ali Hudson. He's our special guest. Hey, how you doing good?
33:18
Speaker 1: How are you good? I've never heard anyone called ev.
33:24
Speaker 1: It was a nickname when I was a kid. It
33:26
Speaker 1: just kind of it kind of stuck with me. I
33:28
Speaker 1: don't know, I like it. Yeah, it's cute, but I
33:31
Speaker 1: was telling your producer, it's always something whenever I'm in
33:34
Speaker 1: a like a situation where I'm nervous, I'll always say, hey,
33:37
Speaker 1: you can call me V. It's like, I don't know,
33:39
Speaker 1: it's a bit disarming. I guess, Okay, that's cute. I
33:41
Speaker 1: thought it was going to be sure for Evelyn. That's
33:43
Speaker 1: why I was surprised to hear that it was a man. Okay,
33:47
Speaker 1: we've got that clarified now, ev Well, it's really nice
33:50
Speaker 1: to meet you, and I'm so sorry that you were
33:52
Speaker 1: medicated at four years old. What that's a bit of
33:55
Speaker 1: a ship show. Yeah, I kind of. I don't I've
33:58
Speaker 1: grappled with it for a long time. I'm it's not
34:01
Speaker 1: something that I feel ruined my life in anyway. I
34:04
Speaker 1: do wonder developmentally what would have been different if I
34:07
Speaker 1: didn't have antidepressants like ib blew of other medications at
34:12
Speaker 1: that age. One thing I've tried to tell myself again
34:15
Speaker 1: and again is my parents did this because this is
34:19
Speaker 1: what they knew. So it's kind of that I'm not
34:22
Speaker 1: upset with my parents. I just wonder, I don't know.
34:25
Speaker 1: I wonder why and kind of why there were systems
34:28
Speaker 1: in place to support that. So I don't know. It's
34:30
Speaker 1: something in my life that my husband two has been
34:33
Speaker 1: very supportive. He's kind of been the one that's like,
34:35
Speaker 1: you know what, now is not the time to talk
34:37
Speaker 1: to your mom about it. Let's just let's push this.
34:40
Speaker 1: We don't need to do this right now. So I
34:42
Speaker 1: just I kind of wanted your advice. I love the podcast.
34:44
Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan. I just wanted to hear from
34:47
Speaker 1: you what your what your take was. I would just
34:49
Speaker 1: say right off the bat, like, there's really no point
34:51
Speaker 1: in going back, you know what I mean, your parents
34:53
Speaker 1: did what they did. There's nothing you can do to
34:55
Speaker 1: change it, and any energy towards that or any resentment,
34:59
Speaker 1: you know, you really want to try and work actively
35:01
Speaker 1: to let go of because there is nothing you can do.
35:04
Speaker 1: And when there's nothing you can do, the best thing
35:06
Speaker 1: you can do is move forward and just try to
35:08
Speaker 1: forgive them that. You know, they I'm sure they weren't
35:10
Speaker 1: trying to hurt you. They were doing the best that
35:11
Speaker 1: they could in that moment, and they weren't as informed
35:14
Speaker 1: as maybe they could have been. And that's really, you know,
35:17
Speaker 1: not their fault either. So Ali, do you want to
35:20
Speaker 1: speak a little bit about Yeah, no, I I completely
35:23
Speaker 1: agree when you were speaking, that's exactly what I was thinking.
35:25
Speaker 1: I mean, how's your relationship with your parents now? Is
35:27
Speaker 1: it good? Yeah? It's actually the best that's ever been. Right,
35:33
Speaker 1: So this is the reality we live in right now,
35:36
Speaker 1: what they did in the past, Chelsea's right. I mean,
35:39
Speaker 1: they were probably trying to figure it out themselves. How
35:41
Speaker 1: do we make our kid better and how do we
35:43
Speaker 1: make ourselves feel better? Because when your kid is out
35:45
Speaker 1: of control, you feel out of control. So I think
35:48
Speaker 1: it was just as much for them and as it
35:50
Speaker 1: was for you in a way. But now your parents
35:53
Speaker 1: it's an amazing relationship. So you know what, funk it?
35:55
Speaker 1: It's gone. They did it, you know. Yeah, there is one.
35:59
Speaker 1: There's one part of that though that I don't that
36:01
Speaker 1: I'm a little weirry about. They don't know that I'm unmedicated.
36:06
Speaker 1: That's that's really what You're a grown man. I know,
36:10
Speaker 1: I know, And it's part of me is like, you
36:11
Speaker 1: know what, it's not their business. You You're living your life.
36:14
Speaker 1: You've been in HR for ten years, which is not
36:17
Speaker 1: something you can do if you don't have, you know,
36:20
Speaker 1: your ship together. So I don't know, I just some
36:22
Speaker 1: part of me feels bad about not being honest. I
36:25
Speaker 1: think great relationships in your life, whatever they are, they're
36:28
Speaker 1: always they come from a place of trust. So I
36:32
Speaker 1: worry that if I'm not bringing trust to the table,
36:35
Speaker 1: how good really is the relationship. That's kind of where
36:38
Speaker 1: I am. Oh okay, well, I mean no, I think
36:41
Speaker 1: that's valid to bring up, Like why, I mean, what's
36:44
Speaker 1: preventing you from telling them that you're not medicating? Right?
36:49
Speaker 1: I think that's but that's what's in my head. What
36:51
Speaker 1: is the worst that could happen? Are they going to
36:53
Speaker 1: get upset about it? Are they gonna not talk to
36:55
Speaker 1: me for a while. I don't think that they're that
36:57
Speaker 1: kind of people, that they really have been great parents
37:00
Speaker 1: growing up. I think it's just I'm in my head
37:03
Speaker 1: about it, and I don't know what the worst consequence
37:05
Speaker 1: would be. I just don't want to make waves, and
37:08
Speaker 1: I find myself making excuses. I truely, I truly don't.
37:11
Speaker 1: I don't know what the worst could be. How long
37:13
Speaker 1: have you been unmedicated for? Uh? It will be well,
37:18
Speaker 1: twelve twelve years? Oh well, okay, yeah, I think you
37:22
Speaker 1: should tell your parents. I think he's weighing on you
37:24
Speaker 1: and you should have been lying for that. Well that's okay,
37:29
Speaker 1: that's okay, that's okay. You were just like trying to
37:31
Speaker 1: almost protecting them in a sense, you know what I mean.
37:33
Speaker 1: You didn't want to stress them out. You can always
37:35
Speaker 1: explain that to them in that way. But if it's
37:37
Speaker 1: weighing heavily on you being honest, which is really admirable,
37:41
Speaker 1: go and tell them and just say, hey, I just
37:43
Speaker 1: want to let you guys know this has been bothering
37:44
Speaker 1: me for some time because I haven't been forthright, but
37:47
Speaker 1: I haven't been medicated and it's been about twelve years.
37:49
Speaker 1: I feel great. My life is going well. I just
37:52
Speaker 1: didn't want to burden you with this, but I feel like,
37:54
Speaker 1: you know, just what you just told us. It was beautiful,
37:57
Speaker 1: like in you know, in the hopes of having a real,
38:00
Speaker 1: a fruitful, meaningful, deep relationship. Honesty is one of the
38:04
Speaker 1: most important facets of that. Plus, you're a living example
38:07
Speaker 1: now of just what it's like to live a beautiful
38:10
Speaker 1: life without medication. So it's not like you're telling your
38:13
Speaker 1: parents when you're all jacked up and you're not feeling good.
38:16
Speaker 1: You're looking good, you feel good, you got your man,
38:19
Speaker 1: you're successful, you know all of those things. So you know,
38:23
Speaker 1: how can they even deny where you're at because you are.
38:26
Speaker 1: This is this beautiful place, you know, that's kind of
38:30
Speaker 1: That's exactly what I thought in my head, and that's
38:32
Speaker 1: what my husband told me. He's like, why don't you
38:34
Speaker 1: come to them when you or it's just undeniable. You've
38:38
Speaker 1: been doing this for ten years. You you look great.
38:40
Speaker 1: If you know everything is together, your career isn't an
38:43
Speaker 1: upward trajectory wait until that point. So and I appreciate that.
38:46
Speaker 1: And that's kind of what I'm hearing from you guys
38:49
Speaker 1: do but I think I appreciate it. Thank you. I'm jealous.
38:53
Speaker 1: I'm still on medication, like I gotta. I tried to
38:55
Speaker 1: get off last year and then I had to prescribe
38:59
Speaker 1: because I lost my ship. I had the worst summer
39:02
Speaker 1: of my life with in such intense anxiety. It was
39:05
Speaker 1: so gnarly for me, and it wasn't I had experienced
39:08
Speaker 1: it before in my twenties, but it was so rough
39:10
Speaker 1: trying to raise three kids. And I had to go
39:12
Speaker 1: back on Alexa pro just because I needed it even
39:15
Speaker 1: out again. I I just I just lost, you know,
39:18
Speaker 1: and I'm on it now. No. The other thing, I
39:21
Speaker 1: was writing the email and I was like, God, this
39:23
Speaker 1: sounds so judgy. I was like, I don't drink, I
39:26
Speaker 1: don't do drug or any of that anymore. And I
39:28
Speaker 1: was like, God, I hope Chelsea doesn't think that I'm
39:32
Speaker 1: like judging up people that take medication, because I'm not.
39:35
Speaker 1: I think it's a beautiful thing if that's what you
39:38
Speaker 1: need and that's your path. I was just speaking personally,
39:41
Speaker 1: so like, you know, what I mean. Everyone kind of
39:44
Speaker 1: has to come at it at their own point of
39:46
Speaker 1: viewer advantage point. I got, what medication were you on?
39:49
Speaker 1: Or medications? Oh my god, uh michel riddling um alexa
39:56
Speaker 1: pro is one of them. I forget the names because
39:59
Speaker 1: they were so it was the generic, but if they were,
40:03
Speaker 1: it was a mixture of antidepressants, mood elevators, and the
40:07
Speaker 1: riddle one was for focus. But it was like a
40:09
Speaker 1: lot of It's a big cocktail, just like so, And
40:13
Speaker 1: how was it for you to transition off of them?
40:15
Speaker 1: I don't want to say it was a moment. It
40:17
Speaker 1: happened very I just it was kind of like a
40:19
Speaker 1: domino effect. One happened, then the other. I stopped taking
40:22
Speaker 1: the other, and I was like, well, this is I
40:25
Speaker 1: think a lot of the drama in my life was
40:28
Speaker 1: created by the medication. This is normal. It seems like
40:32
Speaker 1: we should have been doing this a long time ago. God,
40:36
Speaker 1: get off this. Yeah. Yeah, Well that's a lot of
40:40
Speaker 1: medications to be taking for a young kid anyway, starting young.
40:44
Speaker 1: You know, when you're that young and you're taking them
40:46
Speaker 1: for so long, you must be having to change them
40:48
Speaker 1: all the time. Well that's that's the thing is that
40:50
Speaker 1: dose has just kept increasing and increasing because you do
40:53
Speaker 1: build a tolerance over time, and it's like they would
40:55
Speaker 1: interact with each other. So you had to make sure,
40:58
Speaker 1: like you couldn't drink. And how hard is it to
41:00
Speaker 1: tell someone who is in college in New York City, Hey,
41:02
Speaker 1: don't drink when it's like, what is not happening? Again,
41:07
Speaker 1: I don't condone that for other people, but that's just
41:10
Speaker 1: that's my own situation, and we should make sure that
41:13
Speaker 1: we say here, like, if you are out there listening
41:15
Speaker 1: and you're planning on tape bringing down any medications or
41:17
Speaker 1: coming off of medications, please do talk to your doctor first,
41:21
Speaker 1: because coming off of some medications can cause things like
41:24
Speaker 1: suicidal ideation to increase and depression or maybe just aren't
41:28
Speaker 1: good for you to go off of all at once,
41:30
Speaker 1: So always talk to your doctor. But of course here
41:32
Speaker 1: at this podcast, we believe if you can't make your
41:34
Speaker 1: own serotonin store bought is fine. Yeah, well, I think
41:39
Speaker 1: you're doing great. You seem like you've got your ship together.
41:42
Speaker 1: I mean, look at you. So yeah, Ali wishes he
41:47
Speaker 1: Alli wishes he were anyone but himself. Thanks Ev, thanks
41:53
Speaker 1: for calling in, and good luck with everything, and let
41:56
Speaker 1: us know how it goes when you do tell your parents,
41:58
Speaker 1: will do well, do, thank you, Okay, report back? I
42:01
Speaker 1: will by by what a gentle what a gentle giant
42:07
Speaker 1: set for a non problem problem, you know, like he
42:12
Speaker 1: didn't really have a problem, he just wanted to talk. Well,
42:14
Speaker 1: you could tell he's self aware of sort of how
42:17
Speaker 1: he makes people feel all the time, like I know,
42:18
Speaker 1: I don't want to condone this or I'm sorry about this.
42:20
Speaker 1: He's very apologetic, which probably lends itself to not being
42:23
Speaker 1: able to tell his parents because of fear of judging
42:29
Speaker 1: that was good enough therapy. I could be a therapist. Well.
42:40
Speaker 1: Our next caller is Michelle. She says, Dear Chelsea, my
42:44
Speaker 1: wife and I each made a New Year's resolution to
42:46
Speaker 1: find a therapist separately. Neither of us have even attempted
42:50
Speaker 1: finding one. I lost my dad a couple of years
42:53
Speaker 1: ago to suicide, and my wife thinks that I need
42:55
Speaker 1: to talk to a professional about it. I feel as
42:58
Speaker 1: if I'm at peace with the situation. Obviously, I miss
43:01
Speaker 1: him dearly and I think about him a lot, but
43:03
Speaker 1: I don't feel I have an urge to talk to
43:04
Speaker 1: someone about it. Most of my friends have therapists, and
43:08
Speaker 1: love going, and I'm so supportive of therapy and love
43:11
Speaker 1: the idea, but I'm inherently lazy, and any free time
43:14
Speaker 1: I have to look up therapists, I end up being
43:16
Speaker 1: lazy and turning on the TV or consume my time
43:19
Speaker 1: with something else. Maybe that's something I need to talk
43:21
Speaker 1: to a therapist about. I feel like it might help
43:24
Speaker 1: to just get a push from somebody on the outside. Michelle. Hi, Michelle, Hi, Hi,
43:31
Speaker 1: This is Oliver Hudson, our special guest today. Hi. However,
43:35
Speaker 1: we both have our master's degrees in therapy, psychology. Just therapy, Yeah,
43:41
Speaker 1: just therapy. So I mean, listen, getting a therapist. You're
43:46
Speaker 1: not going to come out worse for that. Even if
43:48
Speaker 1: you go to one or two sessions and decide this
43:51
Speaker 1: isn't for me, like, at least then you you you
43:53
Speaker 1: will have tried, and you will have made an effort
43:55
Speaker 1: in that direction. Your father committing suicide is going to
43:59
Speaker 1: have an impact on you, whether you realize it or not,
44:02
Speaker 1: whether it's now or bubbles up in ten years. I
44:05
Speaker 1: would always advocate to get ahead of that, to get
44:07
Speaker 1: ahead of grief that you don't feel yet, because there
44:10
Speaker 1: is something called delayed grief. And that happens to a
44:12
Speaker 1: lot of people. So you could be at peace with
44:14
Speaker 1: it now, and I believe that you feel that way,
44:16
Speaker 1: but you don't know what's around the corner. And a
44:18
Speaker 1: life event like that doesn't just go like it tangles
44:21
Speaker 1: you up at some point. And as far as your
44:25
Speaker 1: wife is she going or has she made in roads
44:29
Speaker 1: to do that, well, then I guess that that's even
44:32
Speaker 1: more of an impetus. Set an example. You do it,
44:35
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and show her like, yeah,
44:36
Speaker 1: I did it, I did what we agreed we're gonna do.
44:38
Speaker 1: Sitting back and watching TV, listen, we can all relate
44:41
Speaker 1: to that, like I did that last night. I was
44:42
Speaker 1: supposed to write something and I was like, oh funk it,
44:45
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna watch, you know, brain dead television. And
44:48
Speaker 1: it never makes you feel good about yourself to not
44:51
Speaker 1: do the thing you're supposed to do. It just makes
44:53
Speaker 1: you feel like ship the next day. So when you
44:55
Speaker 1: can get ahead of something in your life, you're doing
44:56
Speaker 1: yourself a favor, and you're doing all the people around
44:59
Speaker 1: you who love you a favorite too. Yeah that makes sense.
45:02
Speaker 1: I think I have a concern and I was talking
45:04
Speaker 1: to a friend about this that like, I'm gonna olive
45:07
Speaker 1: her just threw up? Are you okay? Okay? Sorry, you
45:11
Speaker 1: just had a big breakfast. It was Captain crunch everywhere.
45:18
Speaker 1: I'm gonna find somebody like, make an appointment, go and
45:21
Speaker 1: then I'm not gonna like what they have to say
45:23
Speaker 1: to me or be annoyed was what they have to
45:24
Speaker 1: say to me, and then never go again. And that's
45:27
Speaker 1: going to be it. And I put effort into it,
45:29
Speaker 1: and it's I know, it's not a one size fits
45:32
Speaker 1: all situation. You've got to shop around for you know,
45:35
Speaker 1: lack of a better term. But that's also just something
45:38
Speaker 1: that I don't look forward to do it. But you're
45:40
Speaker 1: projecting all of that, right, You're creating a non reality,
45:43
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, a narrative that hasn't even existed.
45:46
Speaker 1: You've already in your mind gone to the therapist, had
45:48
Speaker 1: a horrible time, said fuck you, you're terrible. I'll never
45:51
Speaker 1: find one again. Then you're back on the couch when
45:53
Speaker 1: really you haven't even done. I mean, you've just created that,
45:57
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, which is what's preventing you
45:59
Speaker 1: from actually experiencing it. And you may be very pleasantly
46:02
Speaker 1: surprised absolutely what is preventing you from doing it? Just that,
46:07
Speaker 1: I mean basically just saying it's not going to work.
46:10
Speaker 1: That's probably the main cause. And then also just feeling
46:13
Speaker 1: like so I talked to a medium and I thought
46:16
Speaker 1: that that was just the coolest thing ever and that
46:19
Speaker 1: was exactly what I needed for healing and just hearing
46:22
Speaker 1: what she had to say, and I just thought that
46:25
Speaker 1: that was kind of the closure I needed, I suppose.
46:28
Speaker 1: So the nice thing about seeing a therapist is that
46:31
Speaker 1: if you don't have a lot to work on, they
46:33
Speaker 1: will usually tell you that too, So you might go
46:36
Speaker 1: for a few sessions and they might, you know, kind
46:38
Speaker 1: of essentially give you a clean bill of health and say,
46:41
Speaker 1: you know, if you need to talk again about work
46:42
Speaker 1: or anything else, let me know. But yeah, they'll give
46:45
Speaker 1: you well in therapy. Is great because my best sessions
46:50
Speaker 1: in therapy are the ones that I just do not
46:52
Speaker 1: want to go to them. I'm fine, I don't want
46:55
Speaker 1: to do this, I want to go play golf, I
46:58
Speaker 1: want to do something, but I'm going to commit stick
47:00
Speaker 1: to my commitment, and then ten minutes in, I'm like,
47:03
Speaker 1: oh my god, whoa, this is happening right now? You know, Yeah,
47:07
Speaker 1: and you don't have to, Like, if it's not for you,
47:08
Speaker 1: you don't have to stick with it. It's just like
47:10
Speaker 1: making an effort to do something out of your comfort
47:12
Speaker 1: zone is really important as a life skill. I think
47:15
Speaker 1: I like to always challenge myself, like I dread half
47:17
Speaker 1: the ship I do because I'm like, how did I
47:19
Speaker 1: get myself into this situation? Again? That's what makes you strong,
47:22
Speaker 1: and it makes you tough, and it makes you knowledgeable,
47:24
Speaker 1: and then you become like a fuller rounder I mean
47:27
Speaker 1: in essence, you know, not like physically rapture physically, but
47:37
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like it's a good exercise,
47:39
Speaker 1: so just try and figure it out and go through
47:43
Speaker 1: with it. But if it's not where you belong, then
47:44
Speaker 1: that's okay too. The other thing, too, is what about
47:47
Speaker 1: your wife? Maybe, so why don't you come with me?
47:49
Speaker 1: Why don't you guys do a couple of session together?
47:52
Speaker 1: You know, Yeah, that's something we definitely have talked about too.
47:55
Speaker 1: So I might also just be helpful to have you know,
47:58
Speaker 1: someone that I trust sitting there with me too, or
48:01
Speaker 1: you could go alone, come back and tell your wife
48:02
Speaker 1: that your therapist told you to start swinging and see
48:06
Speaker 1: that that that's where that landed you, So go yourself.
48:08
Speaker 1: And then she's like, do not go to therapy ever again?
48:11
Speaker 1: Thank you. I don't know a lot of people are
48:13
Speaker 1: into swinging these days. All you don't know what the
48:15
Speaker 1: reaction is going to be. Everybody. I know, it keeps
48:18
Speaker 1: coming up in conversations, and I don't know if people
48:20
Speaker 1: are joking. I'm joking, but I don't know if other
48:22
Speaker 1: people are joking about swinging because it seems very prevalent
48:25
Speaker 1: right now. No, I know. I know I'm more of
48:27
Speaker 1: a one sided swing. Like I couldn't want to up
48:30
Speaker 1: with the girl, right, I don't want to swing to
48:34
Speaker 1: go backward. I also don't want to hook up with
48:36
Speaker 1: a guy. I would rather hook up with a girl
48:38
Speaker 1: with my boyfriend than have sex with two men. That
48:41
Speaker 1: doesn't feel right to me at all. It seems like
48:43
Speaker 1: too much work. Yeah, well, you're a lesbian, so it
48:46
Speaker 1: definitely feels like too much work for you. Right, So
48:49
Speaker 1: there you go. Well, thank you Michelle for calling in.
48:52
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you all. Thank you. Let us know
48:55
Speaker 1: how it goes, yeah, keep us posted. Okay, okay, thank
48:59
Speaker 1: you you. You have a good day, you too. M Well,
49:04
Speaker 1: this next one is a doozy. This is from Ari L.
49:08
Speaker 1: Subject line was am I the asshole? Dear Chelsea. About
49:12
Speaker 1: three years ago, I received a suspect Facebook message from
49:16
Speaker 1: a woman who claimed to be my half sister, saying
49:18
Speaker 1: that we shared the same dad. I was baffled and
49:21
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to think. After days of questioning her,
49:25
Speaker 1: it turned out she is my half sister, but doesn't
49:27
Speaker 1: have a relationship with our dad. Our dad's name was
49:30
Speaker 1: on her birth certificate, and the story she told me
49:32
Speaker 1: about how he met her mom lined up a past
49:35
Speaker 1: place they worked. The problem. She's between the age of
49:38
Speaker 1: me and my older sister, which means my dad cheated
49:41
Speaker 1: on my mom when they were still together. This half
49:43
Speaker 1: sister got in touch with me because she was curious
49:45
Speaker 1: about family health history and just wanted to know what
49:48
Speaker 1: me and my older sister were like. She actually lives
49:50
Speaker 1: in the same city as me, so we met up
49:52
Speaker 1: and got drinks. We get along well, But then I
49:55
Speaker 1: made what might have been a huge mistake. Right before
49:58
Speaker 1: the pandemic, our dad died. He was sick for five
50:01
Speaker 1: months before he died, and I never told my half
50:03
Speaker 1: sister that he was sick. But the thing is I
50:06
Speaker 1: didn't know he was dying. When I told her that
50:08
Speaker 1: he died, she was upset and asked for funeral details.
50:12
Speaker 1: My mom knows about this half sister, but doesn't know
50:14
Speaker 1: that I know about this half sister, so I felt
50:17
Speaker 1: inviting her would stir up drama at the funeral. I
50:20
Speaker 1: was worried about people asking why she was there and
50:22
Speaker 1: who she was. Me and my older sister told her
50:25
Speaker 1: that she couldn't come, and this made her furious, understandably,
50:28
Speaker 1: so I tried to reconcile with her and sent her
50:31
Speaker 1: an apologetic message, but she read it and didn't respond.
50:35
Speaker 1: I still feel bad for not letting her come to
50:37
Speaker 1: the funeral, but was it right to do so in
50:39
Speaker 1: order to protect my mother and family who didn't know
50:42
Speaker 1: about her. I could write another email about how my
50:45
Speaker 1: dad lived a whole double life and we didn't find
50:47
Speaker 1: out until after he died, but I need help moving
50:50
Speaker 1: on from this one. Am I the asshole for not
50:52
Speaker 1: letting her come to our dad's funeral? Thank you? Ariel?
50:55
Speaker 1: What do you think, Ali? I don't think you're an asshole.
50:59
Speaker 1: I mean I think because it's coming from a compassionate
51:02
Speaker 1: place of just trying to protect everybody not knowing what
51:05
Speaker 1: to do, and this was your instinct was to do this. Now,
51:08
Speaker 1: in hindsight, may have a different choice, have been better,
51:12
Speaker 1: like maybe, but I wouldn't call it an asshole. I mean,
51:16
Speaker 1: there's a lot going on here, discovering your dad had
51:19
Speaker 1: an affair. You know, there's this sort of half sister involved.
51:23
Speaker 1: The family doesn't know. I mean, there's so much going on.
51:27
Speaker 1: It's hard to navigate something like that. And she had
51:31
Speaker 1: to make a decision, and the decision was hers. I
51:34
Speaker 1: was coming from a good place, not a bad place necessarily,
51:38
Speaker 1: And now you've got to clean it up a little bit,
51:40
Speaker 1: you know, But that's yeah, you're definitely not an asshole.
51:43
Speaker 1: You were considering your mother's feelings, and you were considering
51:46
Speaker 1: everybody's feelings. She can't have time to either understand that,
51:50
Speaker 1: you know, and digest it and maybe come back around.
51:53
Speaker 1: But you're definitely not an asshole. You didn't do it
51:55
Speaker 1: out of like ill will or to be to be
51:57
Speaker 1: a jerk. You were weighing all of the benefits and
52:00
Speaker 1: like pros and cons of it, and it just seemed
52:02
Speaker 1: like an imprudent thing to do at that time. And
52:05
Speaker 1: I think that's totally understandable, So I would definitely not
52:08
Speaker 1: keep beating yourself up about this. You can maybe reach
52:11
Speaker 1: out to her again with another email, maybe explaining further
52:14
Speaker 1: if you feel like you want to develop more of
52:17
Speaker 1: a relationship with her, get to know her. If that's
52:19
Speaker 1: true for you, then you should send her another email,
52:22
Speaker 1: you know, when you think enough time has passed where
52:23
Speaker 1: she can receive it in a different way, maybe and
52:26
Speaker 1: explain yourself a little bit more about why it was
52:28
Speaker 1: important for you to make that decision and how it
52:31
Speaker 1: wasn't a reflection of you know, how you feel about her,
52:33
Speaker 1: but it was about considering everybody else's feelings and how
52:37
Speaker 1: uncomfortable it would have made the funeral, etcetera. But you
52:40
Speaker 1: can't control how someone's going to react to your decision,
52:42
Speaker 1: you know, and your loyalty and your familial responsibility is
52:46
Speaker 1: to those people that you've grown up with and to
52:48
Speaker 1: your mom. So yeah, I would mean she almost made
52:50
Speaker 1: the right decision in a way. I mean, I imagine
52:54
Speaker 1: if this person shows up at the funeral, It's like
52:56
Speaker 1: who is this? And now all of a sudden, oh,
52:58
Speaker 1: this is a seneral legitimate sister, And I'm like, whoa whoa, whoa, whoa.
53:02
Speaker 1: Now it blows up. And even if like no one
53:05
Speaker 1: else ever figures that out, the mom still has to
53:08
Speaker 1: go through that day grieving the husband that she's just
53:10
Speaker 1: lost with the presence of this person who's like the
53:13
Speaker 1: mark of infidelity on her relationship. Like, that's really hard
53:17
Speaker 1: for that mom. Yeah, exactly. I would never put my
53:20
Speaker 1: mother through that ever. Yeah, I mean, the best case
53:23
Speaker 1: scenario might be just to have a big family meeting,
53:26
Speaker 1: be like, hey, throw it out a lot on the table,
53:28
Speaker 1: let's get after it now, and then we'll leave here
53:30
Speaker 1: holding hands. You know. It's like, all right, here's what happened. Now,
53:33
Speaker 1: we're all in it. Now, we all know. Now there's
53:35
Speaker 1: no secrets, and now we can either you know, men
53:39
Speaker 1: fences or have a relationship or not. But at least
53:42
Speaker 1: you know, it's all out there. Not not to make
53:44
Speaker 1: this about me, but I've my father and his brothers
53:47
Speaker 1: don't talk, and my whole Hudson side of the family
53:50
Speaker 1: is like just fractured, and it's starting to get together
53:52
Speaker 1: a little bit now. But I made I texted everyone.
53:55
Speaker 1: I'm like, let's just rent out a restaurant and everyone
53:58
Speaker 1: go and you can fight. You can laugh whatever, but
54:02
Speaker 1: at least everyone's in the room and getting it all out,
54:04
Speaker 1: and then we'll see what happens from there and what
54:06
Speaker 1: was the response for that. People are willing, it's just
54:09
Speaker 1: getting it done, it's actually making it happen. You'll just
54:12
Speaker 1: find a local cheesecake factory that's the right place for that. Well, Ari,
54:19
Speaker 1: I'll let us know if she gets back to you
54:21
Speaker 1: or if you don't hear back, and if you reach out,
54:23
Speaker 1: of course. Our last email today comes from Sarah. Sarah says,
54:29
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I'm writing to refer advice on an ongoing
54:32
Speaker 1: issue I've been having with my boyfriend's family. To zoom
54:35
Speaker 1: out a little, i just don't have time for people
54:37
Speaker 1: in situations that drain my cup without ever putting a
54:40
Speaker 1: drop back in. If spending time with someone doesn't make
54:43
Speaker 1: me feel good, I'm out, been there, done that. Life's
54:46
Speaker 1: too short. Enter my boyfriend's family. He and I have
54:50
Speaker 1: been in a healthy relationship for four years and we
54:52
Speaker 1: plan on getting married and starting a family together. He's
54:55
Speaker 1: my guy. I absolutely adore him. He's incredibly close with
54:58
Speaker 1: his family and I'm in predibly close to with mine.
55:01
Speaker 1: We both agree that family is super important. He adores
55:04
Speaker 1: his mom, which is great. His father passed away pretty
55:07
Speaker 1: suddenly about five years ago, so he and his brother
55:10
Speaker 1: tried to fill the space that was left for their mom,
55:12
Speaker 1: which is amazing and makes me so happy to see.
55:15
Speaker 1: But his mom drives me crazy. She's a really nice lady,
55:19
Speaker 1: but she's a ball of nerves. Her family affectionately calls
55:22
Speaker 1: her nervous Nellie, but it's more like incredibly anxious and
55:25
Speaker 1: overbearing Nelly. She drives around with snow tires in a
55:29
Speaker 1: city where it snows once twice a year for six
55:32
Speaker 1: months because she's scared. She'll always ask a million times
55:35
Speaker 1: if we liked the gifts she bought so annoying, or
55:41
Speaker 1: if what she said of the family gathering was okay.
55:44
Speaker 1: She recently freaked out about a light in our place
55:47
Speaker 1: flickering because she thinks it will cause an electrical fire.
55:50
Speaker 1: The list goes on and on. When we hang out together,
55:52
Speaker 1: the boys go off and do their own thing, and
55:54
Speaker 1: I'm stuck with Mom. I do my absolute best to
55:57
Speaker 1: be kind in these situations because I know it's important
56:00
Speaker 1: for his family to be together, and I want to
56:01
Speaker 1: be a part of it. Being around her exhausts me
56:04
Speaker 1: emotionally and mentally. If we have plans on a day
56:07
Speaker 1: where I'm not at my best, I just can't handle them,
56:09
Speaker 1: and I find myself being snippy and brash. My boyfriend
56:13
Speaker 1: amazingly does realize how anxious his mom is, and we
56:16
Speaker 1: can talk about it. But I can tell if I
56:18
Speaker 1: go too far, he starts to get defensive, so I
56:20
Speaker 1: really have to watch how I decompressed to him. I
56:23
Speaker 1: worry about how these things will play out in the
56:25
Speaker 1: future when we have kids and I want to have
56:27
Speaker 1: a natural home birth. Is mom going to lose her mind?
56:30
Speaker 1: Et cetera. Do you have any advice on building this
56:32
Speaker 1: relationship even though it doesn't make me feel good? How
56:35
Speaker 1: can I prepare for and handle these situations with kindness
56:39
Speaker 1: and grace? Sarah already sounds like you are handling it
56:42
Speaker 1: with kindness and grace. I mean, I would not be
56:45
Speaker 1: left alone with her because I I you know. I mean,
56:47
Speaker 1: first of all, yeah, you can handle it with kindness
56:49
Speaker 1: and grace. You can do all the meditation you want
56:51
Speaker 1: before every time you meet with her, But like she's
56:54
Speaker 1: a live wire, it's all over the shop. It sounds
56:56
Speaker 1: like with her, I don't think you should worry about future,
56:59
Speaker 1: like projecting the future, or if you want to have
57:01
Speaker 1: a home birth, you're gonna have a home birth, period, Like,
57:03
Speaker 1: she can't interfere with what you're gonna do with your body.
57:05
Speaker 1: She's not a Republican, or maybe she is. But I
57:09
Speaker 1: think you should also have like an honest conversation with
57:12
Speaker 1: your boyfriend about how much time you have to spend
57:15
Speaker 1: with her, because that's not a fair ask. I don't
57:17
Speaker 1: think you know, it's one thing to have to deal
57:19
Speaker 1: with an in law or of any kind, whether it's
57:21
Speaker 1: parents or siblings, but like it's not cool to have
57:24
Speaker 1: to be that they go out and leave you alone
57:26
Speaker 1: with her when she's like that, and they know she's
57:29
Speaker 1: like that, and he can get as defensive as he wants,
57:31
Speaker 1: but you need to lay some like heartfelt ground rules
57:33
Speaker 1: about the amount of time that you're willing to spend
57:36
Speaker 1: under those conditions because it really wears thin on you.
57:39
Speaker 1: And I don't think that's unreasonable at all. I think
57:42
Speaker 1: that just has to have like an honest even conversation
57:44
Speaker 1: with your boyfriend, you know, and if he gets defensive,
57:47
Speaker 1: you have to put a pin on it and wait
57:49
Speaker 1: till he's not in a state of reactivity and be like, listen,
57:51
Speaker 1: I'm not accusing you of anything. I've done this work,
57:54
Speaker 1: I've tried it, and I just need to have a
57:56
Speaker 1: fair set of ground rules. Love it because nothing's going
57:59
Speaker 1: to change. The mother in laws is not getting better.
58:03
Speaker 1: It's nothing's going to shift. That's just what you have
58:06
Speaker 1: to deal with. So then it's about making the best
58:08
Speaker 1: of that. And if that means your husband being more
58:11
Speaker 1: or fiance being in tune to how you're feeling, then
58:15
Speaker 1: you're limiting the time, you know what I mean, you
58:18
Speaker 1: just start. But in laws are in laws can break
58:21
Speaker 1: up relationships. I mean I've known people who have broken
58:25
Speaker 1: up or very close to because of in laws, you know,
58:29
Speaker 1: because you do get defensive. My mom always says, you
58:32
Speaker 1: marry the family. I got so lucky. My in laws
58:35
Speaker 1: are amazing. Oh yeah you are lucky. Yeah your family,
58:40
Speaker 1: I mean lucky. Yeah, yeah, your family's the most want
58:43
Speaker 1: to hang out plenty of friends who it's just like,
58:46
Speaker 1: oh I can't I can't deal with that. I mean,
58:47
Speaker 1: I just can't deal with it. So you have to
58:50
Speaker 1: avoid it when you can't. Yeah, I would also say,
58:54
Speaker 1: you know, when you do have to spend time with
58:55
Speaker 1: her and you know they're going to go in the
58:57
Speaker 1: other room or go you know, do their own thing.
59:00
Speaker 1: Maybe get yourself an activity that you guys can do together.
59:03
Speaker 1: So whether that's playing a game or watching a show
59:05
Speaker 1: together or whatever, it is something that is like outside
59:08
Speaker 1: of just talking about yourselves. I know in some of
59:11
Speaker 1: my sort of more stressful in law relationships, being able
59:14
Speaker 1: to have like a third thing that you're doing and
59:16
Speaker 1: rather than just like talking about everyone in the family,
59:18
Speaker 1: are talking about what's going wrong really, or you build
59:21
Speaker 1: up credit, make a game out of it. Right, so
59:23
Speaker 1: every hour you spend with my mom, you get a
59:26
Speaker 1: day at a hotel. That sounds like a real affair
59:28
Speaker 1: exchange like that will go well or it's just start. Yeah,
59:32
Speaker 1: I like that. I think Catherine, that's a great idea
59:34
Speaker 1: to have activities lined up so that it's not you know,
59:37
Speaker 1: activities not like lawn bowling or something she's going to
59:39
Speaker 1: freak out about, but board games like shoots and ladders.
59:42
Speaker 1: Actually that might be scary for her too. It sounds like,
59:44
Speaker 1: so maybe something a little bit more, maybe monopoly. Just
59:48
Speaker 1: keep it basic, right, unless she's got financial anxiety. Yeah,
59:53
Speaker 1: now we have to find out Hubert, what about Cubert?
59:56
Speaker 1: Now that cause anxiety to cards? Cards? But yeah, yeah,
1:00:04
Speaker 1: I think that's sweet. You've tried, and you sound very sweet,
1:00:07
Speaker 1: and you've made a good effort. But again, you are
1:00:10
Speaker 1: not responsible for her well being or her sanity. You're
1:00:13
Speaker 1: responsible for your own sanity. Yeah. Well, Sarah, thank you
1:00:17
Speaker 1: for emailing in, and we'll take a quick break right
1:00:20
Speaker 1: now and we'll be right back. Okay, and we're back
1:00:27
Speaker 1: from our LUFA scrub with Olifa Hudson Oliver Well, actually
1:00:31
Speaker 1: it was Olive. Now it's with an f And based
1:00:37
Speaker 1: on Oliver's advice that he gave today, I would say
1:00:39
Speaker 1: that his podcast is very worth listening to. It's called
1:00:43
Speaker 1: Unconsciously Coupled with his wife Aaron not not to be
1:00:47
Speaker 1: confused with the other eron this is Aaron Hudson Aaron Foster,
1:00:52
Speaker 1: and I'm sure she loves that. But yeah, he has
1:00:56
Speaker 1: got a great part. He also has a podcast, Sibling Revelree,
1:00:58
Speaker 1: that he does with his sister. But yeah, he's had
1:01:01
Speaker 1: a lot of experience in this realm, so it's very
1:01:03
Speaker 1: good to get a straight man's perspective on things. Yeah,
1:01:07
Speaker 1: why not? Yeah, and especially if you're on a marriage,
1:01:09
Speaker 1: which many people are, and everyone who's in a marriage
1:01:12
Speaker 1: definitely hits a point in that marriage where they encounter friction.
1:01:17
Speaker 1: There's always friction. I just love it. I honestly love
1:01:20
Speaker 1: doing something with my wife, you know, because we we
1:01:24
Speaker 1: haven't done anything in the in the work world together,
1:01:27
Speaker 1: and it's just it's a blast. And I think it's
1:01:29
Speaker 1: reflective in the show because it's not about trying to
1:01:32
Speaker 1: sort of make a money grab of any kind, because
1:01:35
Speaker 1: we're not making any money yet. It's just more about
1:01:37
Speaker 1: just being together and having these conversations together and honestly
1:01:40
Speaker 1: open stuff up with us. When she tells me that
1:01:43
Speaker 1: she's not liking the next day, I'm conscious of that
1:01:46
Speaker 1: and now I'm like, okay, you know. So we're learning
1:01:49
Speaker 1: as we're talking, you know, which is which is fun.
1:01:52
Speaker 1: It's nice to get to know somebody more deeply, you know,
1:01:55
Speaker 1: because I think in relationships also, you can kind of
1:01:57
Speaker 1: hit a breaking point where it's like, in certain relationships
1:01:59
Speaker 1: you're going deep as you can go, and then you know,
1:02:02
Speaker 1: if you stick it out and get through those phases
1:02:04
Speaker 1: where you feel like it's not going to get any deeper,
1:02:06
Speaker 1: and that's exactly when it gets deeper. You know. It's
1:02:09
Speaker 1: that quote that they say, you know, in order to
1:02:11
Speaker 1: change the world, you have to change yourself. And it's true,
1:02:14
Speaker 1: like when you change, you affect change in other people
1:02:17
Speaker 1: just by your vibration, just by your energy and your
1:02:19
Speaker 1: open mindedness. It hasn't direct impact on the people closest
1:02:23
Speaker 1: to you. So sometimes when you're doing the work, you
1:02:26
Speaker 1: have to remember you're not only doing it for yourself,
1:02:27
Speaker 1: You're doing it for you know, your spouse, children. Ye, yeah,
1:02:33
Speaker 1: well Oliver. At this point in the show, we like
1:02:35
Speaker 1: to ask if our guest has any advice that like
1:02:38
Speaker 1: from Chelsea would you like to ask her for Do
1:02:40
Speaker 1: you want me to teach you how to give a
1:02:41
Speaker 1: blow job? Yeah? I've never I've never given one. Okay, Katherine,
1:02:45
Speaker 1: do you have a banana? I do? I do. Here's
1:02:50
Speaker 1: because we we've talked a lot. Okay, this is a
1:02:53
Speaker 1: career question because you you know how to work, but
1:02:56
Speaker 1: you also know how to play. Like you you balance
1:02:58
Speaker 1: it very well, it seems, but you work hard, but
1:03:01
Speaker 1: you also play hard. I play hard and don't work
1:03:04
Speaker 1: hard enough. I love the fun of life. I feel
1:03:10
Speaker 1: like I have a lot of potential in my career
1:03:13
Speaker 1: as a director, actor in this business, and I have
1:03:17
Speaker 1: yet to really scratch the surface of what that potential is.
1:03:20
Speaker 1: But I don't have the greatest work ethic. The question
1:03:23
Speaker 1: I guess is do I just remain content or do
1:03:27
Speaker 1: I try to shift myself to where, Okay, it's time
1:03:31
Speaker 1: to sort of realize your potential even though if even
1:03:35
Speaker 1: though it's not something that is just driving me, we're
1:03:39
Speaker 1: always working. Why do you think you don't work hard? Well?
1:03:41
Speaker 1: Because I think it's relative to what I feel. I'm
1:03:44
Speaker 1: going through the motions. I do my press for the show,
1:03:47
Speaker 1: and I do love my podcast, but just creating for myself,
1:03:50
Speaker 1: I I do stuff that comes to me rather than
1:03:52
Speaker 1: going out there and really pursuing some of these ideas
1:03:56
Speaker 1: that I have that I know can be great if
1:03:58
Speaker 1: I just put the time in. Yeah, well, I think
1:04:00
Speaker 1: then you've answered your own question. I mean, generating your
1:04:03
Speaker 1: own work is a great source of like you're going
1:04:06
Speaker 1: to find the joy that you find in your personal
1:04:08
Speaker 1: life play life. And if you've already feel like there's
1:04:10
Speaker 1: an imbalance between play and work and you make that adjustment,
1:04:14
Speaker 1: the joy that you get from your play life will
1:04:16
Speaker 1: go over to the joy that you get from your
1:04:18
Speaker 1: work life. It's hard to break through, you know what
1:04:20
Speaker 1: I mean. Like if I sit down at the computer,
1:04:22
Speaker 1: immediately I'm gone. It's like you the other night when
1:04:24
Speaker 1: you said you want to write and you're just watching
1:04:25
Speaker 1: mindless TV. That mindless TV is more prevalent in my
1:04:29
Speaker 1: life than it is than the work. You know, when
1:04:32
Speaker 1: I know that the work would make me happy if
1:04:34
Speaker 1: I can just get through it, but I get discouraged.
1:04:36
Speaker 1: So how do you I think you just have to
1:04:39
Speaker 1: create a new habit, you know, like you have to
1:04:41
Speaker 1: give yourself, Like starting today tonight, you're gonna give yourself
1:04:44
Speaker 1: one hour. Don't make it something that's not going to
1:04:46
Speaker 1: be able to be fulfilled. Give yourself at thirty minutes
1:04:49
Speaker 1: or one hour where you go sit down and you write,
1:04:51
Speaker 1: Like what are you It doesn't even have to be
1:04:53
Speaker 1: writing a script or writing an idea. It's like, right,
1:04:55
Speaker 1: what you want to get accomplished in this hour? In
1:04:57
Speaker 1: the next three months? Do you ever sit down and
1:04:59
Speaker 1: not do it? Meaning like you say, this is my
1:05:01
Speaker 1: time to work, and I'm like, I got nothing, but
1:05:03
Speaker 1: I'm sitting here and I'm trying. Yeah, yeah, I do
1:05:05
Speaker 1: that a lot sometimes sometimes Yeah, like I just always
1:05:07
Speaker 1: if I have twenty minutes on a plane or even like,
1:05:10
Speaker 1: you know, two hours on a plane, I make sure
1:05:13
Speaker 1: that a reading for me is always a spark of creativity.
1:05:17
Speaker 1: If I read a book, which I always do, but
1:05:19
Speaker 1: I now I'm like, Okay, you can read, but you
1:05:21
Speaker 1: can't read for two hours anymore because I have to
1:05:24
Speaker 1: write a book right now. So I'll read for like
1:05:26
Speaker 1: thirty minutes and then I write for an hour and
1:05:28
Speaker 1: a half. I'll be like, you have this time amount
1:05:30
Speaker 1: on a plane ride. But for somebody who's just trying
1:05:33
Speaker 1: to shift that narrative in your mind, I think psychologically,
1:05:36
Speaker 1: if it's too big of a responsibility, it will be
1:05:39
Speaker 1: hard for you to fulfill. So I think you just
1:05:41
Speaker 1: have to say to yourself, like, starting tonight or whatever
1:05:44
Speaker 1: time in the morning you have, if it's in the morning,
1:05:46
Speaker 1: if it's at night, whatever, pick thirty minutes, forty five minutes,
1:05:49
Speaker 1: and then slowly, as time goes by, you're gonna go
1:05:52
Speaker 1: sit down at your computer and write what you want
1:05:53
Speaker 1: to accomplish during this time, or start writing a script,
1:05:56
Speaker 1: or start writing ideas that you want to generate into
1:05:59
Speaker 1: becoming more of a reality. And then over time you're
1:06:02
Speaker 1: gonna be drawn to that, you know what I mean,
1:06:04
Speaker 1: you just have to create the habit. And I fall
1:06:07
Speaker 1: in and out of habits all the time, but I
1:06:09
Speaker 1: definitely am good at creating new ones and getting myself motivated.
1:06:13
Speaker 1: And so you just have to light that fire. And
1:06:15
Speaker 1: once you light it and just say, like you go
1:06:17
Speaker 1: for five nights in a row of an hour a
1:06:19
Speaker 1: night where you're just sitting at your computer, even if
1:06:21
Speaker 1: nothing comes out, you're just like fucking around with ideas.
1:06:24
Speaker 1: On the sixth night, you're gonna want to go to
1:06:25
Speaker 1: theater because you're like, wait, I gotta go do this,
1:06:29
Speaker 1: you know. And I think that's a good creative Now
1:06:31
Speaker 1: it's true, and it's I think you're right. It's not
1:06:32
Speaker 1: about it's the time that you create in the beginning
1:06:35
Speaker 1: is not overwhelming, like two and a half hours. I mean,
1:06:37
Speaker 1: just give yourself a small amount of time. And yeah,
1:06:39
Speaker 1: there's a great book called Daily Rituals, which it just
1:06:42
Speaker 1: gives you kind of every artist what they do and
1:06:44
Speaker 1: they're creative time. Like some people are more creative in
1:06:46
Speaker 1: the morning. I know. I am, like I'm more clear,
1:06:49
Speaker 1: Like I like to look at a script first thing
1:06:50
Speaker 1: in the morning. If i'm writing something or a book,
1:06:52
Speaker 1: because that's when I have the most clarity and I
1:06:54
Speaker 1: haven't fogged up my brain by then, you know. But
1:06:56
Speaker 1: some people it's late at night, you know, and some
1:06:58
Speaker 1: people it's mid afternoons. You have to just find out
1:07:00
Speaker 1: what time your zone is and try them out at
1:07:02
Speaker 1: different times and see when you feel like the most
1:07:04
Speaker 1: kind of productive daily rituals. Yeah, it's just a it's
1:07:09
Speaker 1: a little it's not like a bookbook. It's just gives
1:07:12
Speaker 1: you like all these artists, philosophers, painters and when they
1:07:16
Speaker 1: worked and how they worked like that. I'm going to
1:07:18
Speaker 1: get that because you don't want to overdo it. Yeah,
1:07:20
Speaker 1: it's I've been trying to figure out for a long
1:07:23
Speaker 1: long time. Yeah, I know that because we've had this
1:07:25
Speaker 1: conversation before. So you should just bite it and chew
1:07:29
Speaker 1: it and start, i know, I know, breaking the habit
1:07:32
Speaker 1: and then follow up with us and let us know
1:07:34
Speaker 1: how that advice goes. Okay, I'm going to check it
1:07:36
Speaker 1: with you in two months. Okay, good, it's been accomplished.
1:07:42
Speaker 1: Oliver Hudson. You are it's a light. This was so
1:07:46
Speaker 1: fun that I know. Well, now you have your own
1:07:50
Speaker 1: podcast to do it. All the time. I love the
1:07:52
Speaker 1: psychological aspects. Great. Yeah, thank you. So. If you'd like
1:07:59
Speaker 1: to ask THEE a question, email us at their Chelsea
1:08:02
Speaker 1: Project at gmail dot com.