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For the Family: Praying for Your Children: Loving Them Without Controlling Them · The Father's Business Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: There are things that we have to own.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: But just because our children are struggling does not mean we have failed.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: The other thing I want to say very quickly here to give us some hope is it's also not the end of the story.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's the chapter we're in right now.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so just because you have a child that is struggling, one, you didn't fail, and two, God's not finished.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: This is not over.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, I'm Kimberly.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm Elizabeth, and this is the Father's Business Podcast, born out of Sylvia Gunter's heart for people to know who God is and who they are in Him.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: So wherever you're listening from today, we pray that you will sense his nearness and know that you are his beloved sons and daughters.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: We're really glad you're here with us today.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, welcome everybody to the Father's Business Podcast.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: We're so glad you've joined us.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: We are about to start episode five of this series.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: So let's go back and kind of review where we've been.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: In episode one, we decided that we can't be God for our family.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Episode two, we talked about how before we can pray for our family, we need to let God search our own hearts.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: In episode three, our big takeaway was that my family or the person in front of me is not the enemy when it comes to spiritual warfare.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: And in episode four, one of my favorites that we've done so far, I cannot use prayer to control my spouse.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm still trying to find out how that is possible, but according to God's word and to everything that Kimberly and I talked about, no, I cannot use prayer to control my spouse, but I am called to pray for my spouse in a way that speaks life to them.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: So today we're going to be talking about our praying for children.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so the theme of today is I can deeply love my children without carrying the responsibility for every choice they make.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Easy to say, somewhat harder to live from time to time.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: So as we talk about praying for our children, I know this is a topic where we have people in all different kinds of places listen to this podcast.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: We have some with little ones at home.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: We have some that are raising teenagers right now.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: God bless you.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: We have some who have adult children, some people are grandparents, and some are spiritual mothers and fathers, but don't have their own children.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Some of you have a similar story to mine that you wanted to have children, and that's not the story that unfolded for you.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Or you're the other half of my story, which is once you thought all hope was gone that you were going to have kids.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: I have two wonderful bonus kids that I have been able to love and be a stepmom to.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: So some of you are coming from blended situations.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then there's the other stories going on.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Not only, you know, are your children yours by biology or by adoption or or by blended marriage?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: We've got a lot of grief around our children because there are some of us that are estranged from our children.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: There are others that have lost a child.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's so many different places that you can approach this episode.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so our hope is that this would be a safe episode for everyone, regardless of where you are.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: And we want to make room for all of that today, because praying for your children can sound very sweet and very simple, but sometimes it's not.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it is going to touch some of the deepest wounded places in a person's heart.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most interesting things about parenting, Elizabeth, is that, you know, it starts with this little person, a beautiful, hopefully baby, who is utterly and completely dependent upon you.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: You decide what they eat, when they eat, you decide where they go, when they go, you keep them safe, you teach them, you make decisions for them because they cannot make those decisions for themselves.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you raise them to begin doing those things for themselves.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in that parenting an infant or a toddler season, you probably can't wait till they can tie their own shoes or wipe themselves after they go potty or whatever, right?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: But little by little, healthy parenting requires you to release more and more of that control.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And in theory, that sounds beautiful and we tend to naturally do that.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And yet it can be really hard because then they become adults.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know first they become teenagers, and we could probably have a whole nother episode on that season of life.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: But as they become adults, they start to develop their own opinions and they make their own decisions.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times those decisions are not the ones that you planned out for them or even sometimes desired for them.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they sometimes don't read the plan.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: And that that that gets really hard.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: But that's part of what we're talking about today is how do we love our children well, pray faithfully for them, influence where God gives us influence, and still recognize that their life belongs to God.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Elizabeth, one of my favorite stories of me and my mom is that when I was, I think I was about 12, maybe 13, but I think I was 12, and we were actually standing in the hallway at the church, and she looked at me and she basically said, I have got to give you over to the Lord.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I kind of looked at her like, Go ahead.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't really understand what she meant.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm pretty sure she probably said, I've got to give you over to the Lord over and over and over again.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I love my mom dearly, and yet we are very, very different.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: But years later, we talked about that, and she explained that she had to remember that I belong to the Lord long before I belonged to her.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I do love that, but I would love to know what you were doing right before she had to exclaim we've got to give you over to the Lord.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: We don't talk about those stories.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure it was something.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, we leave that part of the story out.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: All right, okay.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's probably the way I said something in my tone, I'm sure.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: You had a tone at the age of 12?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: I am shocked.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: I I actually can't believe I do love that.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's a hard truth for anyone who loves a child because the language we even use is this is my son, this is my daughter, this is my child, which of course that's appropriate.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, because they are, but that's stewardship and not ownership, and that is so hard sometimes because I I heard someone describe having a child as like having part of your heart walking around on the outside of you.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And that it is what it feels like.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: So you do feel very connected to these children, and yet you do have to give them over to look.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And parents have real, genuine responsibility.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: They teach their children, they protect their children, they discipline their children, they nurture their children, they make decisions, they help them learn to make decisions, they create this environment for them to live in and for them to be able to do these things safely and well.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: But children are not possessions, they're people that God created.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's a hard tension there.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: It is a very hard tension, and eventually that becomes very real because they begin making choices that you can't make for them.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I remember when I did that.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: I as a young adult in my 20s, I wanted to move overseas.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: My parents always encouraged me to chase after God.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: They just didn't think God was overseas.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: They they wanted God to be in America.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: So there's times when even good decisions our children are making are hard on us.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: And that is where the prayer has to shift from God help me know how to raise this child to God help me know how to love this person as they become who you created them to be.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, I I told this story actually at my dad's funeral because it's just so um is a part of his humor.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: When I sat my parents down to tell them, this is actually the second time I moved overseas, we'd already lived through it.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Dad already knew how hard it was.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: And here I am feeling like God's calling me to go back over to Romania.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I sat them down to tell them that.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: He sat there, we were eating dinner, he did not look up from his plate, and all he said was, let this cup pass from me.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was just like, wow.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And eventually he got on board and was one of my biggest supporters.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: But our children are going to make choices that hurt our hearts sometimes.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes they're great things, they're chasing after a job in another city, and sometimes they're really hard places.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's part of the struggle that every parent goes through.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I think there's a question that every parent eventually asks themselves.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: I've even heard my mom ask this question about me and my brothers because no one's a perfect parent.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: We're all gonna make really bad mistakes.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I think one of the hardest questions that parents ask is, what did I do wrong?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: And we get that question a lot in emails and and Facebook posts and other things around here at the Father's Business.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: And it's especially when you have an adult child who's struggling or they're making choices that are painful, or you've had a child that's walked away from the faith, or who never fully adopted the faith that you tried to raise them in, or their life simply just doesn't look like our dreams and expectations for them.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, as I said, no parent is perfect.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: We all have stuff we need to own, but at the same time, that's such a painful question that we hear more often than than I think people realize is what did I do wrong?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's value in asking that question from the perspective of is there something I need to apologize for as a parent?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or is there something that I didn't understand that I understand now or that I want to understand now?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe, maybe we ask that question from the perspective of what did I do wrong?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning, is there a place where my child needs me or needed me to listen rather than to defend myself?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's a healthy way of asking the question because there's a difference in honest reflection and assuming that every choice your child makes is a report card on you as a parent.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that what did I do wrong is checking your behavior.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's a legitimate question because you have hurts and you have fears and you have losses, but your child is a person with a will.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: They have influences, they have wounds, they have strengths and weaknesses, and they make choices.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where we have to be careful with the verses like Proverbs 22, 6, train up a child in the way he should go and he should not depart from it.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: But we want so easily to turn that into a formula where if I do A correctly, then B will happen.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: But Proverbs is there to give us wisdom and general patterns for life.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a guarantee that your child will make the choices that encourage you, and it's not a guarantee that the child will never make a choice that grieves you.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think some parents have carried enormous amounts of shame because they have believed if my child is struggling, I must have failed.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: And again, we all have to own our stuff.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: And there are people listening to this podcast whose parents may have done things to them that they're not owning.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so I want adult children listening to this podcast, whether you have kids or not, to hear, we're not giving anyone's parent a blank excuse.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: There are things that we have to own.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: But just because our children are struggling does not mean we have failed.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: The other thing I want to say very quickly here to give us some hope is it's also not the end of the story.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's the chapter we're in right now.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so just because you have a child that is struggling, one, you didn't fail, and two, God's not finished.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: This is not over.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Often we'll tell parents that come to me that whose kids had been in my youth group years ago and they're young adults or middle adults now.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be honest, everyone's growing that was in my youth ministry.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'll often tell them what you just said.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's so important.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: I want to reiterate that this is not the end of the story.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: There's still a work in progress.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: God is still at work, and your job is to pray and love them and be present with them and continue to unfold the things that you wanted to unfold with them.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And another part of this conversation is also community, because you as a parent, you are not meant to be everything that your child needs.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can't be.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I look at my relationship with my mom and dad, I just said a minute ago, my mom and I were very different.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: For a long time, I thought, my I'm a lot like my dad.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: He gets me.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, one day my mom told me my dad really didn't totally understand me.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure that was true too.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but personality-wise, I was was a little bit more like my dad.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that like that's where God knows not only did we need both parents, and in some cases, you don't get both parents, but it applies to the community at large.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like whether you're married, single, divorced, widowed, or parenting in other circumstances, we need the community because one person cannot be all that the child needs.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and mom talked a lot about that.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: We've talked about that before on this podcast that as my brothers and I got older, they were very intentional about putting other trustworthy adults around us.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there was always college students, young married couples that were in and around our lives.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so later we were able to hear things from them that my mom and dad had probably said the same thing four or five times.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: But now that this person is saying it, who I think is closer in age and of course didn't raise me.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I mean, there's a whole history behind what goes on in the day-to-day life of parents and their kids.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: So these people that don't have that kind of history with me, that I think are kind of cool because they're in college or they're young adults that are older than me that I look up to are speaking the same truth to me that my parents are trying to say to me, but I'm able to hear it in a different way.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: The walls are down in some ways.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden, someone else saying it to you makes it brilliant and it's a revelation, right?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: It is, absolutely.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm sure my parents are sitting there going, Hello, I've been saying that for the last five years, and that's okay.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because I mean, even now with the kids that I'm allowed to be a bonus parent for, I mean, Kimberly, how many times have I called you and said, Hey, Kim, why don't you give a call to one of the kids?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: And you have, you have been there for them, and they have been able to talk to you about things that they have not been ready to talk to me or taught about.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the beauty of the family of God.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so whether you actually gave birth to a child or you're just a part of a community, we all get to be a part of nurturing these children, praying for them, and being a part of that.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and the wisdom doesn't have to come from you as the actual parent, because that's part of releasing them.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to have every voice.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: God may use a coach, he may use a teacher, a pastor, a friend's parent, another young adult in the church, a grandparent, a counselor.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes God's going to use someone you would have never picked.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: And isn't that beautiful?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And humbling.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I mean, I I I gotta tell you, when I've watched that happen, I am so grateful that God loves my kids enough to bring people into their lives to say things that I can't say.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: And at the same time, I might grumble over here a little bit that I said that.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: I knew that.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: If they had just asked me, I would have told them the same thing.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: But that's where my own ego and my own pride has to get in check with that.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to encourage you, if you are parenting, a teenager or a young adult or a preteen, whatever, I clearly remember my mom was really genuinely grieved that I didn't come to her for a lot of things.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: And in my teenage years, I often sought out other women and young college girls in our church.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't know how to approach my mom because I felt like I needed something.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: I I knew what I had in my mom, but I felt like I needed something different.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: As a kid's perspective, genuinely, I want to share this with some parents who may be walking through that.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was not trying to reject my mom.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to add something else to the plate because I needed to hear something different.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how to articulate that to her.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that she was feeling rejected and replaced.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I just want to encourage you, it is a beautiful thing, and I know it's humbling, but it is a beautiful thing that God can use multiple people in the lives of your kid.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been able to look back over the course of my life, and the things that stand out to me as so many hardcore truths were things that my mom said to me.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been able to say thank you to her as I've gotten older.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: So be patient with your kids too, right?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: And that's I've I've watched Todd do that with his kids too, especially with his daughter, but both both of his kids.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: And there are there are seasons where you just have to go, she'll come back, she'll come back, you know, and there are other influences that she's listening to during that time.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, honestly, as we're talking about praying for your kids, don't only pray for your kids, pray for those godly wisdom people that God would bring across their path.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because right now, they may have far more influence over your young adult and adult children than you do.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: I often find myself praying that God would bring people into the paths of my children who would be able to say things that they may not necessarily want to hear from me.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: But as we talk about this, and then before we kind of dive in deeper into how we pray for our children, I just want to say one more time, I I feel very sensitive to people who cannot or did not ever have biological children because there's a grief in that.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: And even though God answered the prayer I wanted to be a mother in a different way by allowing me to be a part of this beautiful blended family that I am now, there's still a bit of grief that I wasn't the one who carried a child.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: And it's okay.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: Longings to be a wife and a mother are godly longings.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so if anyone has been struggling with that, then I just want to say to you that as we go through this episode, I know children touches different people with different kinds of longings.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it's okay to grieve it.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like there are mother's days where I am completely fine, and then there are mother's days where I am not.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it's okay to do both.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: God is still good and kind, and he is still doing amazing things, and he's written a beautiful story for my life.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: But if you are one of those people listening to this that are like, either I lost a child or I was never able to have a child, it's okay to grieve it and still call God good.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: I've walked that journey with you alongside you as you've walked through those years.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, I spent so many years in youth ministry that I became a spiritual mom to so many kids.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a Mother's Day where some man in the church walked by me in the hallway and said, Happy Mother's Day.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: And he actually stopped and turned around and said, Oh, I'm sorry.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, No, it's okay.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm am a spiritual mom to a lot of kids.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: So let's be sensitive, you know?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, because I actually wasn't offended in that moment.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was having a good day, but I actually was like, But I am a spiritual mom because being a spiritual mom is really important because there are important ways to have spiritual influence over the life of children.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: And we need people with skin on.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: We need God.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: He's our provider, he's ultimately everything we need, and yet we still need that human connection.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I know for many of you, you're a single parent, and that means carrying most of the parenting responsibilities alone.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you may be a single parent because of divorce, or you may be a single parent because of death.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: No matter which path you're walking, it's hard.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I am sorry that you feel so alone in walking that.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: But asking for help doesn't mean you have failed because you need community.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: So let trustworthy people around you love your kids and let people love you as you walk that single parenting road.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's so important for you to remember single parent, not single parent, spiritual parent, a traditional mom, traditional dad, whatever role you are in.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: What's important is to remember you are continually pouring out for someone else.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do not forget that you have to pay attention to your own spirit, soul, and body.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Remember the airplane illustration, put your own oxygen mask on before assisting someone else.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: It means that you can't practice self-care here and there in these pockets of it, which honestly, that's kind of what we have to do sometimes.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: But but the goal really is to care for yourself on a regular basis.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: It means that depleted people eventually parent from that depletion.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't want that.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: I know that if you're listening to this podcast wanting to pray for your kids, you don't want to pray for them out of depletion.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: It means that if fear is running my life, then fear will affect how I parent.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: If my whole identity is wrapped up in my child's success, I'm going to put pressure on them.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm exhausted and unsupported, it's going to affect how I respond.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's important to remember we've got to care for ourselves.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think that connects back to what we were asking people to ask themselves in episode two, which is who is God for me?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that that also means in my parenting, because sometimes the thing I most need to do for my child is let God minister to my own fear about my child, or my own grief, or my own disappointment that my child is not making the choices that I wanted to.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so I need to come to God with that fear, with that anger, that depression, whatever that feeling is that I'm feeling about how my child is choosing to live their life, and say, God, who do you want to be for me in this?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because if I'm terrified about their future, I will parent from that fear unless I bring it somewhere and say, God, I'm scared.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: I need you to help bring all of who I am under all of who you are as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and then allow myself to be aligned in you.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because what I hope my children feel is my mom loves me and is praying for me, not my mom is terrified that my life is going to fall apart and I can't feel like I can talk to her.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: So we we have to kind of, as you say, deal with the oxygen.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Mask, put it on ourselves first, allow ourselves to be full and then parent from the overflow of that, which again can't believe this whole episode, I could say it a thousand times.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: This is all very easy to go.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you just do it.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: You just just, you know, parent from being a full place and parent without fear and all these things.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_01: But that's why we have to keep come and keep on coming.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's why we have to learn how to abide and just keep coming back to him with all of this.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because parenting is hard.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Your kid did not come out with a manual.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, no, they do not.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: And no two children are the same either.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because uh, you can get the first one figured out and then the second one comes along.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, well, this is completely different.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you look at the For the Family book, at the top of the section on praying for your children, there is a prayer that gets to the heart of this whole episode.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it starts with this Lord, what do you want for my children?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Not what do I want, not what would make me proud, not what would make their life easier, but what do you want, Lord?
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that question changes your prayer.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to deal with your desires for your children, because as we were just saying, your hopes, your desires, your fears, your concerns, your disappointment, it's gonna come out somewhere.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you get to deal with that between you and the Lord.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that also takes us back to the other episode of preparing your own heart to pray.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: But when it comes to your kids, this question changes prayer because you as a parent naturally have hopes.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: You want your kid to have an education, a career, a marriage, friendships, vitality, a legacy.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: You want to know where they're gonna live.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: You want to know whether they're gonna have kids or not have kids.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: You want to know that they're gonna thrive.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: And there is nothing wrong with hoping good things for them.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: But here's where it gets tricky is sometimes that hope quietly becomes expectation.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then it's real easy to confuse my child isn't living the life I pictured, which is my hopes, expectations, and dreams, totally fine to have them, but you start confusing that with my child is outside of God's purposes.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: And those aren't necessarily the same thing.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, and there's a quote out there that says expectations can lead to resentment and they can lead to misunderstanding.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we don't even realize that we expected that until something hits us.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so if the prayer can become, God, keep me from binding my child with my needs, with my fears, with my ambitions, or with my picture of what their life should look like, that's a freer prayer.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's a much harder prayer.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: We're not saying this is easy, but it does mean that you can trust God to write the story and you didn't have to worry about the outline.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: You just trust them, you know?
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: Slightly shifting gears a little bit.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: We also know that there are parents listening who aren't simply dealing with different career choices or life plans.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Your child may genuinely be in a destructive place.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: Far from God, a broken relationship, maybe you barely have contact with them.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: And we do want to address, Elizabeth, that that's different.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: And Kimberly, I don't want us saying something shallow like, just release them.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: Everything will be fine.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's real grief in watching your children choose destructive paths.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: And there's real grief in watching your children turn away from the faith that you love so deeply and tried to raise them in.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: And you can trust God and that He's still moving and that this isn't the end of the last chapter, and you can still ache over what you see, and you can ache over the choices they're making.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: And we get a lot of emails asking, how do I pray for my child who's not following God?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: And the answer I keep going back to is found in the prodigal son story in Luke 15.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: And there's this one phrase in that story that I love so much that I pray not only for kids, but I pray it for all types of people in my life.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's talking about when the son has, you know, he took his inheritance, he went to the far land, he did all sorts of things with that money that his father would not be proud of, and he's out of money and he's flopping up after pigs and thinking the pigs are eating better than I am.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it says in Luke 15, 17, he came to himself and decided to return to his father's house.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I love praying that for people.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: Just father, let them come back to themselves.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: Not become the version of them I want, not turn their life around in a way that I think they should, but come back to who God designed them to be.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Let the false identities that they're holding on to fall away, let the counterfeit things that they think will fulfill them lose their appeal.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: Let truth begin to sound true again in their ears and draw them back to your heart.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: Let them come back to themselves.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what's beautiful about that part of the story too is that the father was ready to receive them.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't standing on the porch with the long list of everything the son did wrong.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it doesn't mean the choices didn't have consequences, but the father's posture was unmistakable.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: His heart was open to his son.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: And for a parent with an adult child who is far away from the faith, maybe part of the question is how do I keep the drawbridge down while still having whatever boundaries are necessary?
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a tough tension to wrestle through.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: How do I stay connected where connection is possible without pretending that I agree with everything?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that is very hard and very holy work.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_01: And there isn't one formula because every situation is different.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_01: And we are not here to tell you, oh, well, you know, if you have a wayward child or a child that's not walking with God, just here's the easy one, two, three steps of how you handle it.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_01: And even in your relationship with your child, every situation is going to be different.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so keeping that drawbridge down is going to look different in this season than it did in the last.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_01: And that is why we are so utterly dependent upon God to help us understand what it looks like to walk alongside of children who are making choices that I don't agree with.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, Elizabeth, when we talk about praying for our children, um all pieces there, no matter where our child lands, when we go back to the For the Family book, there's a list of 20 things to pray for your children.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a really good list, to be honest.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of reading those 20 things, I think we can group them into a few big prayers.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: So let's do that.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: The first would be, God, let them know you, not merely know about you, not merely have information about you, but know your voice, know your love, your character, your presence.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: So God let them know you.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: The second would be let them know who they are.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know anything about the Father's business, you know that our desire is to know God and to know who we are in Him.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where that starts.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: God, let them know you and let them know who they are.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: Root their identity in you, Jesus.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: Protect them from building their worth around their appearance, their achievements, their approval, their relationships, their successes.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then third, give them wisdom and discernment.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: We can pray, help them recognize truth, give them wise friendships, help them learn how to make decisions.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: We can help them recognize voices that lead toward life and voices that do not, that lead toward death and destruction.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then fourth, we can form their character.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: We grow love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: And we pray that they will become a person of courage and integrity.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then fifth, we hold their future.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: We pray for their relationships, their work, their physical bodies, their callings in life, their future families, and we lead them into your purposes, the purposes that God has for them.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think that's a much better prayer to pray.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_01: God lead them into your purposes rather than God make them successful.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, success isn't the deepest thing that we're praying for.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: As you said, I I want them to know God.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_01: I want them to know who they are.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: I want Christ's form in them.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_01: And all of those prayers require patience because formation takes time, which is so inconvenient for me because I don't have patience.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I get that naturally from my mother, who also doesn't have patience.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: But we need to be willing to trust that God is doing far more than we can understand and that his timetable is not our own.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Elizabeth, at the end of the day, we have to remember that we want results now.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want results now in parenting, you just need to go vacuum the house or something.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: But like it's you can see the marks, go out and mow the lawn and see the tracks.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: I d I mean, you're not gonna get results immediately when you're parenting.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: My mom told me a long time ago, Kimberly, if you're going into youth ministry, don't expect to see results right away.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just the same as true of parenting.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: And just like we have said in all of these episodes about praying for our family, we're not controlling them.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: Having responsibility for them is not the same as controlling them.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we have to have patience because we can't control the results.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: We have to pray and trust that God is doing a deep work and just be faithful to be the parent that God has called us to be.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I don't mean it that simply because it does take work, but be true to all that God has called you to be as you raise the person that God has given you and know that ultimately He is their great father and he is their great shepherd.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: And their story is not over.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, in the midst of all of that, Elizabeth, are there any simple or practical ways we can break this down this week?
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I I think we can give, like we've done in other episodes, let's give a few uh questions to sit with this week as we tend to our own heart, as we think about the people that either we have responsibility for because they're our children, or those that we have become a spiritual mom and dad for.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I think one question that's very important for us as parents to ask is what am I most afraid of for this child?
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because fear often shows me where I might be trying to control them rather than release.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then a second one is a question that we ask a little more broadly whenever we're talking about any prayer assignment, which is what actually belongs to me?
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what what is my part?
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: What, what, what do I, is there anything I need to do?
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: Is there something I need to say, apologize for?
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a boundary I need to establish?
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_01: So what is my part in this story that's being unfolded in the lives of my children?
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and the simple next question would be what does not belong to me?
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: What's not my part?
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: What decision is theirs?
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: What outcome belongs to God?
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: What am I carrying that I can't actually control?
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then the fourth question, which I think is a beautiful one, is how can I bless this child today?
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not how do I fix them, not how do I give them advice, but how do I bless them?
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that I need to ask God to strengthen in them, to protect in them, to heal or awaken or develop in them?
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: And Kimberly, this whole idea of blessing our children, I I often see it as I'm just trying to push back things that might be coming against them or influences that might be coming against them, just to give the child enough space to come to themselves and return to the father's house.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's our our job as a parent, I don't think, is to fix or change them, but it's how can I be a part of adding to their reservoir?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: How can I, how can my prayers be a part of pushing back any type of influence that may be causing them not to be able to understand what is true and just give space for God to do what God's going to do in his own time.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_01: So there is actually a uh sevenfold blessing in for the family, this book that we keep talking about.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I want us just to pray through this directly from the book this this week as we end our time.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_01: We pray spiritual blessing.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: Come, Holy Spirit, give my children a revelation of God as Abba Father, give them a love relationship with Jesus so strong that they cannot resist him.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_01: Give them sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and hunger and thirst for righteousness that conforms their consciousness to the Word of God.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: Would you create in them the fear of the Lord in relation to sin and genuine repentance?
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_01: Give them holy joy as they abide in you, Father.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: I pray emotional blessing.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_01: Come and give my children a revelation of Jesus as healer of emotions, release healing to remove the ground from bondage, any rejection, failure, resentment, jealousy, or shame.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_01: Let them choose forgiveness for themselves and for others.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_01: Give them freedom from fear, because God never fails.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: Would you grant them a strong sense of hope to believe God is for them, and his promises are true?
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I pray mental blessing, would you come, spirit of truth, and remove blinders of deception from their minds, so that they may know the truth and have holy and godly wisdom and discernment?
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_01: I pray spiritual blessings, would you come and give them a sense of their personal value in Christ?
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_01: Plant in them God given vision for your calling on their lives, give them favor with you and with man.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: I pray the blessing of right relationships with authority.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_01: Would you teach them submission to God given authority and counsel?
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: Would you direct them towards right loyalties, godly soul ties, and healthy friendships that encourage them in their walk with you?
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_01: I pray physical blessing over our children.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: Would you come and cover them with your protective hedge of safety, strength, and good health?
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_01: We plead the promises of Psalm 91 over them.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_01: I pray financial blessing.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_01: Would you come and give them your provisions and right relationships to what you have given them?
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_01: Would you allow them to acknowledge that you are their source and their provider?
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_01: So we ask you, Father, to come in the fullness of who you are and meet each of our children in their deepest need as much as we love them, you love them more.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so we do choose to release them and surrender them unto you, trusting that you know what's best for them.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: And we pray all this in your name.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: So we look forward to seeing you next time.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: We hope today's conversation has been encouraging for you.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: Please feel free to send us your questions or your thoughts and know that we will be praying for you as well.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_01: This podcast is made possible through donations by people like you.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: To donate, go to www.thefathersbusiness.com.
• 36:24
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