Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Im a Scorpio, You Dont Know Me! Get to Know Sean Patton in Eight Jokes.🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

Im a Scorpio, You Dont Know Me! Get to Know Sean Patton in Eight Jokes.🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Does anybody here uh have any money?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Give me some money.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't um I know we're all broke in this economy, but here you go.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I uh yesterday was my day off.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I woke up at 9 a.m.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I took a few sleeping pills, I went back to bed and just slept the day gone.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because the only way I can survive off what I make is if my week is only six days long.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm for gun control.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I know what a human being I am.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And here's I'm now I'm from Louisiana, sportsman's paradise.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of gun shooting, not me.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't grow up that way.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And people growing up couldn't handle that.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, they were like, what, you're from Louisiana?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: You don't like guns?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: It got to the point where my just my answer would be, nah, man, knives only.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: You ever stare at a deer in its eye as you pierce his breastplate and breathe in its soul.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: They'll leave you alone after a statement like that, you know?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in the wonderful city of New Orleans, Louisiana.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Wonderful place.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: The only complaint I would have about New Orleans is that it's entirely too close to a place known as Mississippi.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you asked me two years ago what I thought about Mississippi, I'd say it was a vapid wasteland, piece of shit, awful, terrible place full of bigoted rednecks.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: But recently, two months ago, I saw something in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, it gave me hope.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was a Prius.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's rare in Mississippi.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't just that though, it was the bumper sticker on the Prius.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that bumper sticker was a rainbow-colored Confederate flag.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let that sink in for a second.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let that sink in for just a second.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: A rainbow-colored Confederate flag! That implies that not only will the South rise again, that it will immediately then drop to its knees at a glory hole.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes! Openly gay rednecks! Thank you.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Where have they been?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: If there is a God and God writes life like a TV series, then God just introduced some very important characters.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: This season's gonna be good.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And no, I'm not gay.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I suffer from this hetero curse.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I wish every day of my life I was gay because it just seems easier.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Seems more fun.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like how checkers is easier than chess.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's a game, you still gotta play it, but chess, you gotta worry, worry about how each individual piece moves differently and the queen's all powerful, the king can't do shit.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Checkers, just jump in there and hop.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody hops the same direction.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Enjoy it, have fun.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: You get to the other side, team up, hop back the other way.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_03: Live your life!
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I the idea of being a gay redneck, like, look, I know, I know, I know, gay community, I know, not all gay people are flamboyant.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I get that, but I hope every single gay person in Mississippi is aflame.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Righteously sassy! Like, I hope that.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I hope they're taking the redneck culture away and owning it.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, right now, I hope there are gay rednecks hunting.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Only they're not wearing a hunter's orange.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's tacky.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: They're wearing like a hunter's magenta.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: A hunter's teal.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't clash with the woods.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't have rifles, they have super soakers.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're not hunting animals, they're hunting other gay rednecks dressed as animals.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's how you meet singles in the gay redneck world.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: You hide, you pop out the buttons, squirt, squirt, Mr.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Bison, you're dead.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Squirt, squirt, Mr.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Bison, you're dead as shit.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're gonna get stuffed and mounted, for sure.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Only not in that order.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is that a bear?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Is that a bear dressed like a bear?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: How like Toast Meta or whatever.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get him too.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Taxidermy three way, squirt square.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit, he's real! Get out of.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Caught themselves before they realized, oh, Jesus! That's yeah, get tested, you monster.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you were slapping.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you were going, oh, that's what you did.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was tested a year ago, okay?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I did something stupid.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't nervous till I got there because I'm not a sexually deviant person.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like I get laid more or less than you think.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I'll paint the picture for you.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: If there were a bar and every woman I had ever slept with were in that bar, and you walked in there, your reaction would be, Oh, there's people here.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: The nurse, she's just lacing into me right away, and she said, Why you come in here?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: You look wholesome to me.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's what she meant, but I still read too far into it and was like, You think I can't get an ST?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: You think I'm not sexually irresponsible enough, woman?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a Scorpio.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know me.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't say any of that.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just told her the truth.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I said, ma'am, I'm here because I have had unprotected sex twice.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And without missing a beat, she goes, twice?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Who you think you is?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Robocop?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: You could argue that maybe she was trying to imply that I thought I was invincible and using Robocop as example.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, but that'd be too easy.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I think that they made a fourth RoboCop in Jamaica, and we haven't seen it yet, where Robocop becomes aware that he still has a human penis and is now all about getting me Robocop me come to smash all the pussy.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Robocop honey all the damn time Oh bend over pretty lady Miss O Horny Miss Otter San Iris Breaching now, Lord of Mercy.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh thank you for that me bust me roll up or not.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And just for the record, by the way, my results, clean.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Clean as Detroit City after Robocop cleaned up all the scum, man.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: My brain is a jerk.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: My own brain hates me, it's a jerk.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: If my brain would could could become a person, it would be a bully that followed me around 24-7 that only I could see or hear.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because no matter what I'm doing, my brain will eventually chime in like, hey, what's going on, loser?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Losing?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: What's it like losing all the time?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, look, hey, look what I found when I was digging around deep in our memory banks.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: You remember this?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: You were 12 years old, some nine-year-old kid beat you up and stole your bike, and all you did was cry.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: You should think about that for a couple of weeks and then start smoking again, sissy.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey, hey, hey, are you talking to a girl?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you think you are, Duebus?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, stare to crotch.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Stare to crotch.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Stare to crotch.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Stare to crotch.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Stare at her crotch.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Stare at her crotch.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Stare at her crotch.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Stare at her crotch.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do it.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: She wants you to.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Why else would she be wearing blue jeans?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was invited to a frat party late last year.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I went because I'd never been.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was excited.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: It was during rush week.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to see some some rush, some hazing.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I saw some and it was lame.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was disappointed.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: All they did was make the pledges drink.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: They would randomly be like, pledges, drink up, and all these guys would drink.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, that's it?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's all you're gonna do?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to see what they're willing to go through to beat frat brothers?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: God, that made me wish I was a frat boy so bad.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I would just to be that eccentric one who only comes out of his room during rush week.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: That when it comes out the f with their heads, you know, like, alright, pledges!
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: Line up! Line up! Y'all wanna be sigma enigma new?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all wanna be sigma enigma new?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see if you got what it takes.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: You! Here's a case of warm beer.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know the drill.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Drink, drink, drink, drink! You dip your scrotum in this fish bowl full of angry scorpions! You! Count to 40 out loud! You go out back.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's a kiddie pool full of heroin addict piss.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Bathe in it.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: You email your favorite cousin, just say hi.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: You force your grandmother to watch this bukake film with you on Easter Sunday whilst you eat Cadbury eggs together.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: You take a nap right now.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Power nap, bitch, no pillow.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: You siphon start that sumo wrestler's enema.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: You just hang out, you're cool.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_02: Sigma Nickmanu! Stigma Nickma Noodoo! Stigma Nickmanu! Stigma Nickma noo! No! No, no, no! I stigma Nickma nood! No, no, no, no! I sickmany! I sickmanickma nooney baby! I digma a nigga nooney baby! A little bit a boy! A b a stigma nickman nooney boy! A sickman noonie boy! A man!
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: A stigma niggma nooney man! A stigma nigma noon noonie! Responsibility! Integrity! Leadership! That's the handshake, Plitch! Learn it! The only one of you made it! Obviously, the guy who drank, he's in.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: The rest of you are weird.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, let's get it on, people.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: See you, huh?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Fellas, men in the audience, how many of you are taking penis enlargement pills?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, fair enough.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Very proud of that.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: See, men take these pills because they want to, you know, impress women, because they think women only want to sleep with men who have big dongs.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is that true?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Let's find out.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Women, how many of you can only sleep with a man if you know he's got a big frickin' ding-a-ling?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, honesty.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Honesty's good.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: See, here's the thing.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Women like that exist.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Women who can only sleep with a man who's got a big frickin' penis.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a reason behind that.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's a medical condition.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'll explain it to you right now.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those type of women can only sleep with a man if he's got a big penis because they need that big d to fill the inner void within them.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know the one that's caused by the lack of a soul?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I don't have a big penis, and you know what?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want one.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need one.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good with my discreet penis.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: I I it's been mine all my life.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I know exactly how to use it.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I know its strengths, I know its weaknesses.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's compact, but it handles the road, you know?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it gets great gas mileage.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it has a sunroof and power locks.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, just imagine a warrior.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: The deadliest warrior in the world, but he's only deadly with a dagger.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter what size of your weapon if you're deadly.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm trying to say is, ladies, just let me come at you with my dagger.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I promise I will slay thee.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm exaggerating a little bit about the it's not that small.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not okay, here's something we can all lead to.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: If my penis were, say, an annual salary,$47,000 a year.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: With dental.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty good.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: $47,000's plenty, ladies, if you just uh tighten up your budget?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Have a tight budget.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't just have a loose, skanky ass budget, you know?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you a round of applause, listen to music at work?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you that applauded to that are surgeons?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, did you know that?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know that surgeons listen to music when they operate?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Put on Pandora and just jam out.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them make a playlist and just it's it's cool, but it's also a like a reminder, we're just a gig to them.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's your life, but it's just there at 2 30.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I learned this, okay.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: My little brother is a surgical tech, okay?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he does for a living.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: He assists the surgeons in the operating rooms.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Far too much pressure for a young boy.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: He's 26.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, the things he has to do are insane.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he called me after assisting in an open heart surgery, and he told me what he had to do.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: He had to reach into a man's opened up chest cavity, grab the beating human heart, and hold it steady whilst they rotated the patient.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: What you actually why didn't they rotate the guy first?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Saying that out loud, that seems completely backwards.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think to ask.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like the surgeon just barge in, like, cut him open, I'm ready.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: But doctor, he hasn't been properly rotated.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give a fuck, I'm an MD! Get the cotton, motherfucker! Like, alright, fine.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: He always gets like this when he listens to the flight of the bumblebee.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: That is that is such like I that's too much pressure.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I get my brother's a better man than I could.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: I could never do that job because the whole time I would be fighting thoughts like bite it.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Bite it, do it.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Bite right into it.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Eat it.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Eat it.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Eat a man's heart.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do it right now.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you'll go to prison, but you'll be the king.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be the king of the prison.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: No one's ever gonna fuck with you after they hear you eat a man's heart whilst it still pumped life.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: I bet that's where they actually, that's why they actually wear those masks.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Case one of them's like, uh, sorry.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: My grandfather is in a donner party.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if it weren't a thought like that, it would be another one, another morbid thought, like, tear it out of his chest, do it.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Grab this man's heart tightly and rip it out of his chest.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Spare him the agony of ever having a lover to do it.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: And like what if he just did?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can't unthink that.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what if it was a mistake?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, people fuck up at work all the time.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what if my like my younger brother had committed the surgical tech equivalent of like spilling a tray of drinks?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, right?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know how some people, or most people, sneeze normally.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like a Jew, right?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: But you know how some people sneeze like, ha ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, like they're trying to fight turning into a werewolf.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's how my younger brother sneezes.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like he's expelling lazy demons.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: So he's like, he's holding the heart and then, oh shit.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: No, sorry.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now he's just standing there with a disembodied heart.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: The machines.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're all staring at him like, who sent you?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: I would hope in that moment, if it ever happened, that he would just own it.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I was quitting this job anyway.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you, nerds.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's not what happened, don't worry.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: My brother didn't accidentally murder a guy.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, the surgery wasn't even the main reason he called me.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: The main reason he called is because he wanted me to know that the head surgeon, for the duration of that surgery, whilst performing it, made a play mix that they listened to, and it was comprised of one band.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that band was corn.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Someone said nickelback, close enough, but not really.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: A woman tried to register a peacock as an emotional support animal.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: A peacock! Like, first of all, that's a cry for help we all missed.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what kind of emotional turmoil are you in where you need support from a peacock?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever seen a peacock?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Peacock?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the NBC, it's not that at all.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's a more of a the head gets crazy?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: It makes that exact sound.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like a demonic turkey, man.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: A peacock, like what?
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: The poor woman must have been in such a dark place.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this life is meaningless.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a cloud over my head, and I'm never gonna snap out of it, and I just don't.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, Felipe.