Latest / I Do, Part 2 / You Need To Know This To Survive Divorce

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You Need To Know This To Survive Divorce · I Do, Part 2

• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Hey, I do Part two. It's your host, Jana Kramer.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: And as we enter in this new year of twenty
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: twenty six, sometimes it's a good idea to get some
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: sound advice from people outside of our own circle. Today,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: I'm going to chat with some women who are out
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: there sharing their Chapter two journeys on the internet who
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: have some great advice. And they're all very different. So
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: let's dive in with our first one. Her name is Annie,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: and she's great, so let's get her on and hear
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: all about her new co parenting journey. Hello, Hi girl,
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: how are you. I'm Jana, So nice to meet you. Yeah,
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: it's so nice to meet you. So I just stopped
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: your Instagram. Yes, I'm like, you're so cute.
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: Thank you, You're so sweet.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: How long have you been divorced?
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: For? Three years?
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Three years? Okay, what's your split?
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: We have fifty fifty custody and we're on a two
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: two three schedule, so it's.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: A lot of back and forth for the kids because
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: at first, so when I'm watching it right, it's you know,
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: you're like, I didn't realize how often I see my
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: co parent and I get and I get that when
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: it's around sports seasons, Like I, you know, I definitely
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: see my ex way more when it's the spring and
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: fall sports. Of the four different sports, you know, it's
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: a lot. So that is a lot. But I you
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: have a different co parenting schedule, So I feel like
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: that with that back and forth amount, that's probably I mean,
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: that's that you do see them more because I only
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: he's got thirty percent. I've got seventy. So his drop
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: offs are at school.
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: We do that too, We do the transition at school.
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: But I see him a lot during the transitions too.
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: During summer break, of course, he's always like dropping the
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: kids off coming to my front door.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: It's it's seeing.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Him a lot.
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: But then you have to factor in all the other
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: not only games and practices, but you're seeing him at
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: doctor's appointments.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Oh see, we don't do this, that's all my girlfriend?
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: Why are you doing that? Like, I'm like, you go dentist.
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: I know it's written in agreement that he both go
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: to every single appointment.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: How old are your kids?
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: Eight and ten?
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Okay, girl, we can split that, right, can we? How
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: are you guys on the communication level? Because I'm very
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: much like, hey, I don't like going to the dentist.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: It's just some and I've I've done it a couple times, right,
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: but I like today I'm taking Jase to the glass
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: to get his glasses, like he doesn't need to be there.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: We really just need one adult present.
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: No, I agree one hundred percent about that. But we
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: also have it written in that since the kids are
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: on my insurance, that I'm the one that books the
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: appointment so when they're but I have to do it
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: off of my schedule, right, So I'm just doing the
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: appointments and he takes that as an opportunity to come.
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: Yet it's another reason for us to butt heads real
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: hard because we don't see eye to eye even on
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: doctor's appointments.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: And there's no way to change it to be like, hey,
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm good, I got them, I'll take them.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: Oh not not with this co parent No, I wish.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Do you think is it a control thing? Okay? Yeah,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: So how do you walk through then that dynamic of
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: that piece because you know it's coming from a control piece, right,
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: and managing that with him?
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: I know I've learned to just step aside because at first,
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: at the very beginning of the co parenting situation, It
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: ruffled my feathers to the nth degree because I knew
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: what he was doing and I could see right through it.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: If you're married to someone that's controlling, they're going to
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: get you been more controlling post divorce, and it took
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: me a long time to wrap my head around that.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: But now that I know it's not about me one percent,
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: it's not about the kids. It's about him and his control.
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: I just look at it like, let it ride. You know,
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: I don't want him to see that it affects me
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: because if he sees me mad, it's gonna he's gonna
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: do it more.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: Does he watch your Instagram?
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: So I do have him blocked, but of course one
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: percent he watches girlfriend.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: We know how to make fake profiles?
• 4:31
  Speaker 3: Well I know, right, but like, I don't know. It's
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: it does really make.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Me as he brought that up, because there are there
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: is there is a lot of moms that I have
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: talked to in the co parenting space where they want
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: to share their story, but they're afraid that sharing their
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: story is going to get them in trouble with their comparent.
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: You're that all the time.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I say listen, as long as it's your
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: truth and your experience. You make it about you and
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: not about your ex one percent.
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: I tell my story and it's my truth. At the beginning,
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: I was scared because because he did reach out to
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: me numerous times kind of like in a threatening way,
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: and so in my defense, I did to cover my faces.
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: I met with a what is it called, like an
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: attorney that specializes in defamation. Sure, and I wanted to
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: cover myself to make sure I wasn't doing anything that
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: wasn't right. And of course, with freedom of speech and
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: telling our story and never using his name, never saying
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: his occupation, never giving him a title, and like labeling him,
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: I would never do any of that out of respect
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: for him and out of mostly respect for my children.
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: You know, I know that the Internet is forever and
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: what we put out there is going to stay. So
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: I do watch myself in that regard. But I like
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: to share my story because I feel like divorced women,
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: especially as co parents.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: We go through a lot.
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  Speaker 3: And there are a ton of people in the space podcasters, Instagrammers,
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: but they're not a lot of them don't share everything.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: You know. There is a lot of bad, but there's
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: also a lot of good. And there's the day to
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: day stuff, and I just want people women, especially because
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: that's my demographic that I talk to on Instagram. I
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: just want them to see that even though it sucks,
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: it's still okay, Like you're going to be okay.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: Right And I think one of the videos that I watched,
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: you know, you're just like, I'm gonna get hate for this,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: and I know I'm supposed to be okay and be
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: around them with the kids, and I do feel like
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: there comes a point where it's like, yeah, do I
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: want my ex husband at the house at the birthday parties? No,
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: but I do do it. And over time it's gotten
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: easier because I do kind of look at them and
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: I'm just like the yes, he hurt me so bad
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: and there was so much pain in that, but I've
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: released it. That's this point, you know, and it's like
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: he just is who he is now and it's he
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: doesn't get to affect me anymore. That's you know, like
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: I allowed that, yes, but now it's like, it's what's
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: best for the kids. And I know, you know, people
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: have their things on that, but I do think at
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: the end of the day, as parents, we should do
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: what's best for the kids.
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: And as cliche as it sounds, I do think that
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: time makes everything better. I think the birks during cold
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: parenting are always the hardest, right the first first birthdays.
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: It's all so hard and so sad, and you cry
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: so much and you don't think it's ever going to
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: get any better. And I'm only three years into it,
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: Like it's not like I've been divorced for ten years
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: or something. But I will say it's gotten. I don't
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: know if I'm more numb or if I'm stronger, but
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: it's getting better.
• 7:54
  Speaker 4: To do.
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And it has nothing to do with my relationship
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: getting better with my ex husband. It's just my mentality
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: and how I'm approaching it.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: I think too. It's one of those things where even
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: the conversations that I have with my ex, you know
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: that the battle he's never going to understand you. He's
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: never going to be like you know what, you're right, Like,
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: he's not going to get your So it's like you
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: just have to you know, as the mom, what to do,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: and it's you don't have to. There's no fight because
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: why like, what's the point. You know you're never really
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: going to see you got you got divorced because you
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: didn't see Idee. You're never going to see ide So
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: it's it's really putting more of a uh, you know,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: pressure on yourself and making yourself more miserable, trying to
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: fight something that he's not going to be like, oh, yeah,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: you're right, I was or I should do this, you know, and.
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  Speaker 3: Then you're carrying that weight with you throughout the day
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: when you're supposed to be enjoying your time with your kids.
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  Speaker 3: So you're just drinking this poison and poisoning yourself when
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: there's you don't have to, you don't have to.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: It is true though, with the with with time again,
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: like you said, it is cliche, but it's true. I mean,
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: this year was coming up on five years of being divorced,
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: and you know, yes, was I sat on Christmas when
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I had to say goodbye, of course, But did I
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: cry the whole day.
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: No.
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  Speaker 1: I just had a tearful moment at dinner, you know,
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: and it's like, Okay, this was better than the last
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: couple of years because I wouldn't be able to pick
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: myself up, you know, because I just wallowed in my like,
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: oh this is not the life I wanted. You know
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: I agree, but you're doing the very best you can.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: So if there's someone out there that is dealing with
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: your situation with a controlling person, a co partner, what
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: would you say to them to kind of walk through it?
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: And I always say, like be a boulder, you know,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: like they can't affect a boulders.
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: So I've been dealing or I've been working a lot
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: on my nervous system regulation lately, and I'm trying to
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: get myself more centered and more zen and lately it's
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: this thing where I pretend that I'm walking around with
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: like this golden glow around me and nothing can penetrate it,
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: nothing negative, nothing harmful, especially nothing from this man. He
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: just can't pay. You just have to walk around thinking,
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: this is my life. I cannot control anything that's happening
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: over here. All that I can control is my reaction
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: how I respond to it, And you just have to
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: live your life being optimistic that maybe one day it'll
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: get better. Maybe one day it won't, but this is
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: the way life is panning out. So you can either
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: look at it the glass is half full or not.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: So when you wake up every day, it's a choice
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: you have to make. How am I going to approach this?
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: Are you going to wallow in it? Or are you
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: gonna thrive? Because I think it's a lot more sad
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: to wallow in it.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: So let's see. Well, and what do our kids deserve
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: a thriving mom?
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: Exactly exactly. And I think the majority of women get
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: divorced for the kids, right. I made this decision for
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: a better life for all of us.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: So we stay for the kids, and then we leave
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: for the kids. It was my I stayed for six
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: years and then leave for them. Yeah, yep, Annie, where
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: can our listeners find you?
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: You can find me on Instagram at Annie dot stoykov.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: Yay.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: You're so cute and are you dating anyone now?
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: I am not. I hopefully we'll find someone soon.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: In time. Girl. Thank you, it's coming for you. It's
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: coming for you. Well, we're excited for your part two
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: and we appreciate you coming on.
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: Thanks girl. Next up we got shab and she's about
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: how to marry a rich man. I've got some questions
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: about this.
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: Hi, how are you?
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: I am great? How are you?
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: I'm good? I'm so excited to be here.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: You're so cute and I what I just love about
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: you is that you have such a great, great advice
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: for divorced women, but yet you're not divorced, so I know,
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: but you talk me through that.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: I'm in the age group where, you know, it's all
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: the housewives and their husbands are all on second wife.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: I call it second wife syndrome, and I'm around that,
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: and I've also had to try to avoid being one
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: of them. You know, marriage is hard, and so I
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: just give practical advice to It started off as just
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: me giving advice to my friends and then it just
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: blew up on social media. But it's just really practical advice.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: And yeah, so the videos that I saw were geared
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: to finding a rich man, right. So my thing with that, though,
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: is the relationships that I've had where the people had
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: a lot of money. Okay, Like when I got divorced,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: all my girlfriends were like, find a man that's got
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: a yeah and a private plane and listen, I could
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: have been with someone like that, but I'm like, I
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: don't want that doesn't make me happy, Like none of this.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: I'm like, am I attracted to him? No? Okay, am
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: I why would I want to continue dating this man?
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: This is just so my girlfriends and I can all
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: fly on a private plane in a yacht like this
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: isn't And now one of my recently divorced friends as well,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: like she's just you know, She's like, I've got this guy,
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: he's got so much money, but I just can't do it.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, yeah, because at the end of the day,
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: money doesn't make you happy. But are you agreeing to
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: that or do you still think that that's important listen to.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: I totally completely agree with you. Everybody's definition of rich
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: is different. So when I made that video, it was
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: kind of tongue in cheek about rich because for me,
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: when I married my husband, I wanted him to be
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: educated and to have a really good job. Was you rich,
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: yacht rich?
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: No?
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: But it was rich enough for me that I could
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: feel secure. I'm an educated woman, so I wanted somebody
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: to be at the same education level as me, at
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: least making relatively the same income. I think when you
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: get into that level of wealth where they have their
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: own plane and their yachts and whatever. I have a
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: lot of friends like that, that's a whole different set
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: of problems because those dudes, they don't care like they
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: can they have a lot of women around them all
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: the time.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they got manys on both sides, you know what
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I mean, Like they have they can have it all.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: And that's to me scary, yes.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: And it's gross, it's good. So I would say that,
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: you know, you first have to like the guy and
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: be attracted to him. But also, why are we not
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: wanting the expectation that he should have something like? Why
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: why are we trying to make it okay that we
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: shouldn't expect a man to have any money. I don't
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: want a data guy that's poor. You know I didn't.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: I didn't want a data guy that was poor. I
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: knew that I wouldn't do well. I don't like to
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: use the word part. I wouldn't do well with, you know,
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: having a guy who didn't have anything, because I I
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: knew what I wanted for my life and I value
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: myself and if I'm an educated woman, then why should
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: I settle just because society tells us we are asking
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: for too much. If we want a man who you know,
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: has some money or has a good job.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think for me, it's always come down to
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: their work ethic. So, you know, someone that I had
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: been with in the past. I remember, you know, when
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: we were living together, it's okay, well you made this money,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: where did it all go? And then I didn't realize
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: that the red flags of all that was is he
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: spent it on all these things. And then when we
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: were together, he was lazy, he didn't work, he and
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: it was so unattractive to me, you know. And it's like,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: I what I love about my now husband is he
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: works his ass off, you know, and he's just like
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: constantly like grinding and and you know, in working, and
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: I love that about him. Does he make, you know,
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: millions and millions of dollars? No, but I respect his
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: work ethic and I think that is something so sexy
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: about a man who wants to be there, you know,
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: but you know, is just grinds. And I think that
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: is so attractive in a guy, because of course, you
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: don't want someone that's just sitting there playing video games
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: on their little bean bag. No, exactly, because I've been
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: there too, and it's not attractive at all.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: It's not is not cute. When I started dating my husband,
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: I started dating in because first of all, he was
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: cute and he was the complete opposite of the bad
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: boys that I had been dating. But he also had it,
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: like what you said, a really strong work ethic. He
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: knew he needed to work to make money to also
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: feel self actualized and fulfilled. And I also found that
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: super attractive in him, and I think that's really important.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: But you know, for the listeners that do want to
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: find the rich man, I mean, what what the video
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: of you being like, go to that sweet little grandma
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: in what is their name? In the in the synagogue?
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the church, mosque, synagogue, temple, okay, listen that.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: I was like, you're a friend. I was like, do
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: you know how.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: Many women have met men like that? Like even to
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: this day Because I'm Canadian, Okay, I talk to everybody
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: I know, you know Americans maybe, well, my daughter lives
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: in the States and she's like, Mom, you know it's
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: kind of weird in New York to just be talking
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: to strangers.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: I'm like, why if.
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: You want to meet somebody, you talk to the little
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: old lady at the grocery store. Find the little old
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: lady that looks really super cute, and you go start
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: chatting with her. Hey, do you like this soup? Like listen,
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: It's also about being.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: Kind sure of course, like you have to have a
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: kind heart to yeah, and you know.
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: Being kind in society to seniors and whatever, that's also
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: a part of it too. But if you want to
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: meet the man, you got to go through the mom
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: or the grandma and then that's where you know, because
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: they will advocate for you. Like even I think it
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: was like last week or two weeks ago, I just
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: started chatting with this lady and I was at somebody's house.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: Somebody had passed away, and so you know, you go
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: give your condolences at the house and whatever. So I'm
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: talking this lady. I've never met her, and so she
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: starts chatting with me and she's like, are you married?
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: And he said, yes, I am.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: I've actually been married for almost thirty years. And she goes, wow,
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: she laughed, and she goes, well.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: Are you happily married?
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: And I said yes, I am mine, and she goes
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: because I have a son and he's really nice and
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: he's educated and he has a really good job and whatever.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: And I laughed and I go, Okay, well if my
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: husband steps out of line, I know who to call.
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: So she goes one step further and she goes, you
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: know what, he's you just let me know because he
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: doesn't live far from you. He's in Seattle, and so
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: he could come here.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Like ine a date that's fantastic.
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: Happens all the time, and so if you're just kind
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: and you start chatting with people, also having that curiosity
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: wanting to learn about people and whatever. But I'm telling you,
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: it's the old ladies. The old ladies are the key.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: So it's not sitting at a bar at a nice restaurant.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: It's fine. The old lady that's at the bar, I
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: think so.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: I think so. I think the whole sitting at a
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: bar is I mean, it still works, it still works,
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: but I think this way is just better. It's just
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: more organic and it's just fun. You know, if you
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: don't have a seventy year old best friend, you're missing
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: out in life. Like those ladies are awesome.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: What do you think the three great questions you should
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: ask on a first date to see if the man
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: is for you, because obviously you're not going to go
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: into be like how much do you make a year?
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: But I think job question is kind of tells you
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: where he might be.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: I think is fundamental. I think there's nothing wrong with
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: saying what do you do for a living? Yeah, I
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: think that's important for us for our own security and
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: peace of mind. But the other thing I'd like to
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: ask I would ask is how what is your relationship
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: like with your mom and dad? What is your relationship
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: like with your grandma and your grandpa? Because you know,
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: everybody tends to may have a tumultuous relationship with one parent,
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: so that's totally also not a indicator. But what's the
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: relationship like with your grandparents? That's usually a really good indicator.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: But what's they're dead?
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, what was it like before? Or do you have
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: siblings or are you close to your siblings? I think
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: that's a good question. And then also what are your
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: hopes and dreams? What are your goals for your life,
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: for your career.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, while I was walking with one of
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: my girlfriends, she's like, well, she's like, I got a
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: date with this agent. She's like, but you know, they
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: don't really make a lot of money, And I said,
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: you know, girl, I said, it's about what Maybe they've
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: something on the side, like investments or they've you know,
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: they're doing this and like that, you know where it's
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: not just and that's fine.
• 20:43
  Speaker 4: Too.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: It's just a nine to five job whatever, and that's
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: what they love to do. But she's also wanting the
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: richer man because I'm like, it's about their heart, girl,
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: It's not about what they do. I'm like, I don't know,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: maybe he's got something on the side and he likes
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: to invest. I don't know.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: Well, you know, it's also about kindness and what their
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: heart is. And also I tell people also look at
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: the potential, like if they're a really hard worker, if
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: they love what they do, they might they might end
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: up becoming bigger than what they are. Right, It's not
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: money is not the be all end all. Some women
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: are happy with making more money than their husbands or
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: their their partner, But it's I think having kindness and
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: having somebody who's just just a nice person that is
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: reliable and steady and has a good job that will
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: trump having yacht money. I think any day.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you'd get bored on the yacht. You would.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's fine, right, it's fun for a bit, and
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: then it's like, wow, okay, where can our listeners find
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: your sweet videos?
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: Oh?
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: Thank you, I'm on TikTok install. That's TikTok is usually
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: that's my bigger account.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: What's your TikTok name?
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: Not too shabby dot life sont and then the number
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: two shabby dot life.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Love it. Well, thank you for coming on. You're a sweetheart.
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: This was so fun.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: Thank you, Thanks girl, Thanks for coming on. All right,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Next up, we've got Taylor. She is a divorce lawyer. Hey,
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: how are you? How are you girl? I'm doing great.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: So were you a divorce lawyer before you got divorced
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: or did you become a divorce lawyer after your divorce?
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: I get this question all the time.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I was a divorce lay first. Okay, so you were
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: just like you knew exactly what to do when it
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: all ended.
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: Maybe so funny, So procedurally, I definitely knew what to
• 22:47
  Speaker 4: do as far as like what paperwork to file and
• 22:49
  Speaker 4: all of that. But I talk about it a lot
• 22:52
  Speaker 4: now when I'm helping other women that like, I made
• 22:55
  Speaker 4: a lot of mistakes with how I thought things would go,
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: and like in the decision making criteria that I had
• 23:02
  Speaker 4: when I.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: Got divorced, and what would that be?
• 23:06
  Speaker 4: So I have children, and so like in co parenting
• 23:10
  Speaker 4: and making a lot of the decisions I think women
• 23:12
  Speaker 4: make where they just want to be nice and they
• 23:14
  Speaker 4: want to appease their acts, and so they think they're
• 23:17
  Speaker 4: going to agree, just agree on things long term. So
• 23:20
  Speaker 4: we had a lot of like, oh, we'll just agree
• 23:22
  Speaker 4: on what the holidays will look like and we'll be
• 23:24
  Speaker 4: flexible with you know, money and paying for things for
• 23:27
  Speaker 4: the kids. And it didn't work out that way. It
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: was like a train wreck, to be very frank. And
• 23:33
  Speaker 4: it's been five years, but there have been a lot
• 23:36
  Speaker 4: of ups and downs in that in that time period.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: So your advice and would be to make sure you
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: have it written out more in a sense instead of
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: just going on the word of what they say during divorce.
• 23:51
  Speaker 4: Yeah, just being much more clear, like knowing what it
• 23:53
  Speaker 4: is that you want and need, having some non negotiables,
• 23:57
  Speaker 4: talking about what will this look like in reality, you know,
• 24:01
  Speaker 4: going forward, Like what is we're just going to agree
• 24:04
  Speaker 4: even mean for.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: Sure, No, I mean I feel like, yeah, with our
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: with my divorce and the parenting plan, it was very
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: much we have gone so far from it, but at
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: least we have a structure that's there, Like you know,
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: he's he's supposed to we're supposed to flip flap, fall
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: break and spring break, but I'm like, hey, it's you know,
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: to really make memories. What if I take now every
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: fall and you take every spring and so and you.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: But as long as you know we had the framework
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: that we all agreed on in writing before because and
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: now it's like hey, now that we're seeing it doesn't
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: really work. Luckily I have a flexible co parent that
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: is helpful with with that. But that's the key, I mean, yeah,
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: having it down because if not, I mean yeah, I
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: mean it wouldn't because at times when you're angry at
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: the person, or if you're get into a fight again,
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: because that will happen. It's they could just like, well sorry,
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: and at least you have something in writing.
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: That's it. That's it. Like there may be times where
• 25:09
  Speaker 4: whatever happens in your life or the other person's life,
• 25:12
  Speaker 4: and maybe you take a step back and communication and flexibility,
• 25:16
  Speaker 4: and maybe you're not getting along like you would like,
• 25:18
  Speaker 4: maybe you're not making choices or the other person isn't
• 25:21
  Speaker 4: making choices with the kids front and center, and you
• 25:24
  Speaker 4: have to have something to go back and rely on
• 25:26
  Speaker 4: so that you're not just always in conflict with nowhere
• 25:29
  Speaker 4: to go.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: That's so true. So I saw on your Instagram you did.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: It was so funny. You said, what you were tacky,
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: what the tackiest trend that you were seeing last year was,
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: and it was fifty to fifty? Can you go into
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: that specifically?
• 25:48
  Speaker 4: It was meant asking for fifty to fifty parenting time
• 25:51
  Speaker 4: who didn't know what grade the kids were at and school,
• 25:54
  Speaker 4: didn't know what shoe size they wore, and couldn't answer
• 25:57
  Speaker 4: who their best friend was. And there were a ton
• 26:00
  Speaker 4: of moms who chimed in in the comments and were like,
• 26:02
  Speaker 4: I can so relate. I'm on the hook for fifty
• 26:05
  Speaker 4: to fifty parenting time with someone who sends them to
• 26:08
  Speaker 4: school and their pajamas. So, yeah, a lot of people
• 26:10
  Speaker 4: felt it.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, so I've got what is your split.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: Now?
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: It's about sixty forty. We've been much less than that.
• 26:21
  Speaker 4: This is kind of the most we've ever been. I've
• 26:23
  Speaker 4: got four kiddos, ok, so yeah, it's about sixty forty.
• 26:29
  Speaker 4: I've got Sunday through Thursday, and he's got three weekends
• 26:33
  Speaker 4: a month Thursday through Sunday.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we've got seventy thirty. And it's one of those
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: where when I have friends that get divorced. Now I've
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: said I think sixty forty feels because sometimes I'm like,
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: the seventy is it's a lot, you know, and they
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: also get a lot less responsibility than they should too,
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: you know, and so I'm always I'm like, I know,
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: sixty forty sounds like a lot, but it's it's something
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: where I've gone, you know, I kind of wish that
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: was what it was because I then had to take
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: on so much more that I didn't have the help then,
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: Like now he's again a bit more flexible with you know,
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: when I work and stuff. But it does feel like
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: they just get the They're just like the fun parent,
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: you know, seven days a month, and it's you know.
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: The reality with that, though, is it's dependent upon who
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: you're co parenting with. You know. You could have somebody
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: who has thirty percent and they could step up big time,
• 27:38
  Speaker 4: but they can't have more because of their job or
• 27:39
  Speaker 4: what have you. So you could have sixty forty and
• 27:43
  Speaker 4: be with your children on their parenting time. Almost I
• 27:48
  Speaker 4: see my kids every day like, yeah, I'll roll over
• 27:51
  Speaker 4: to the ice arena after this and it's not my
• 27:53
  Speaker 4: night and I'll go be locker room mom and do
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: the volunteer shifts and cheer them on and then go home.
• 27:58
  Speaker 4: So it's not my day and I'll spend four hours,
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: So sixty forty is it's sometimes when you're co parenting,
• 28:06
  Speaker 4: the numbers are vanity numbers for people that want them,
• 28:09
  Speaker 4: and it's it doesn't reflect the reality of who shows
• 28:12
  Speaker 4: up and how they show up.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: That is so true. Yeah, that's so true. I love that, Taylor.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: Where can our listeners find you?
• 28:19
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so you can find me on Instagram at mom
• 28:21
  Speaker 4: dot lawyer dot divorced, and then on YouTube at the
• 28:26
  Speaker 4: at the Taylor wins on YouTube.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: Awesome, Thank you Taylor for coming on. Take care Bi
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Gral all right, so we're actually going to take a
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: pause because we have so many more content creators that
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: want to hop on and share their experiences. So you
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: know what, you got a part two coming, and you
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: know we love a part two, So stay tuned for
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: next weeks Part two of our content Creators with great
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: Advice