Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Raising Responsible Readers [a Q&A About Inappropriate Books]

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Raising Responsible Readers [a Q&A About Inappropriate Books] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. What do
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: you do when your kids want to read, but you
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: don't really like what they're reading? You feel like they're
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: reading stuff that's too mature for them, that it's too romantic,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: that it's too, and you're sort of going, but you
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: know how important reading is. How are you supposed to
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  Speaker 1: find the middle ground? Where do you go with this
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  Speaker 1: to help your children to do what's age appropriate? It's
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: not just reading, it's TV shows and movies and streaming
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  Speaker 1: and all that stuff. We're going to talk about that
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  Speaker 1: next as we answer one of your tricky questions on
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast. Stay with us. Hello and welcome
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast where you get real parenting
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  Speaker 1: solutions every single day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: where Justin and Kylie Coulson were the parents of six daughters.
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  Speaker 1: And we are excited to answer your tricky questions about
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: anything that you are challenged by at home in your
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: family and your relationships. If you'd like to submit a
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: tricky question, we've got a super simple system at happyfamilies.com.au.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Just scroll down to podcasts, click the record button and
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: start talking. Or you can send us a voice note
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  Speaker 1: to podcasts at happyfamilies.com.au. Kylie, a question today comes from
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  Speaker 1: Anna who asks the following.
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  Speaker 2: Hi, Dr. Carlson and Kylie. First of all, thank you
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  Speaker 2: for your podcast. It's really helpful and informative for parents.
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  Speaker 2: especially Kylie Prospective as a mother of six daughters. I
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  Speaker 2: honestly don't know how she does it because my daughter
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  Speaker 2: is driving me crazy. She's 12 years old. She loves
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  Speaker 2: reading and I love that she loves reading and I
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  Speaker 2: encourage that. But at the moment, she's choose book that
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  Speaker 2: I think they're a little bit too mature for her.
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  Speaker 2: on the romance-focused side. So I think they are more
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  Speaker 2: appropriate for 15, 14, 16 years old. When I suggest
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  Speaker 2: more appropriate books, she thinks they are boring, and she
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  Speaker 2: insists that there is nothing wrong with the book that
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  Speaker 2: she's reading. I have to underline that she doesn't have
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  Speaker 2: a phone or personal device. Even TV, show, and movies,
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  Speaker 2: they are boring. strictly PG. And the only device that
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  Speaker 2: she's used is the computer that she needs to use
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  Speaker 2: at school. She's really oppositional, especially on these things. And
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  Speaker 2: we always end up fighting. I try to guide her
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  Speaker 2: and connect with her, but she thinks that I don't
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  Speaker 2: understand anything and I don't know anything. And how can
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  Speaker 2: I have my boundaries, but still keep the connection and
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  Speaker 2: guide us through this moment without fighting. Thank you.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, Kylie, mum to six daughters and the person whose
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: perspective is appreciated even more than mine. We get this
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  Speaker 1: a lot, don't we? People say, oh yeah, Justin, you
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  Speaker 1: know stuff, but we just like listening to Kylie. So
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  Speaker 1: I've got a bunch of notes and I've got a
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  Speaker 1: whole lot of things that I could say, but I
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  Speaker 1: think Anna really wants to hear from you on this one, Mrs.
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families.
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  Speaker 3: And first of all, winning, I'm just going to put
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  Speaker 3: it out there. No devices at 12. We're doing great. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: That's the first thing.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, well done.
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  Speaker 3: The second thing, we have six girls in our house
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  Speaker 3: who all have loved reading. Yeah. And don't squash it.
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  Speaker 3: Whatever you do, don't squash that love. That's such an
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  Speaker 3: important skill, and it's just a wonderful– pastime for your
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  Speaker 3: daughter to be involved in.
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  Speaker 1: I would also say we've been troubled with this exact
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  Speaker 1: challenge with all six of our daughters as well.
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  Speaker 3: And we now have five police in our house who
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  Speaker 3: look at their youngest sister and say, nope, no, no,
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  Speaker 3: you can't read that until you're at least 15. And
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  Speaker 3: they've all read the same books and gone through the
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  Speaker 3: same things. And I think the dilemma of any parent
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  Speaker 3: who has a child who has a deep love for
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: the written word, because inevitably, they will get to a
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  Speaker 3: point where the books that are written for their age
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  Speaker 3: no longer keep their interest or pique their interest because
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  Speaker 3: they've been reading so well and for so long. And
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  Speaker 3: that's the experience we've had. So a couple of thoughts.
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  Speaker 1: I'll also add before you go into those couple of thoughts, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: when you start making suggestions to the kids about why
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  Speaker 1: don't you read this, why don't you read that, they
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  Speaker 1: hate it when you suggest a book. They don't want
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  Speaker 1: to read the books that you think are going to
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  Speaker 1: be good. They want to read the books that they
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  Speaker 1: think are going to be good, which amplifies the challenge.
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  Speaker 3: The first thing I'll say is that pushing boundaries is
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  Speaker 3: part of growing up. And if your child isn't pushing boundaries,
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  Speaker 3: I'd actually be asking what's going on because that's how
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  Speaker 3: they learn where the safety is within those boundaries. But
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  Speaker 3: sometimes it feels really uncomfortable as a parent to sit
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  Speaker 3: there and watch it. The second thing is helping our
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  Speaker 3: kids understand and learn and live good principles enables them
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  Speaker 3: to actually govern themselves. While ever they feel like they
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  Speaker 3: are being controlled and they don't have any autonomy in
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  Speaker 3: their decisions, there is pushback all the time. But if
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  Speaker 3: we can teach our kids what good values are and
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  Speaker 3: what it feels like to be able to live into
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  Speaker 3: those values, then they'll start to see sometimes plenty of
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  Speaker 3: books we have brought over the years that have had
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  Speaker 3: a couple of chapters read and then they've been tossed
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  Speaker 3: in the book exchange bag because they recognize that this
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  Speaker 3: wasn't a book that felt good. Another thought is making
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  Speaker 3: sure that you are having open dialogue with your child.
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  Speaker 3: The more you can have regular conversations, check-in points with
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  Speaker 3: your daughter about tricky conversations and have it feel like
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  Speaker 3: just a natural part of your dialogue, the easier these
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  Speaker 3: conversations become and the easier it is to actually have
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  Speaker 3: conversations about the things that you are concerned about and
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  Speaker 3: them have the buy-in to be a part of that conversation. Yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Stay interested.
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  Speaker 3: Stay interested. and get curious, not furious. Every time you
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  Speaker 3: get upset with her because she's reading something you think
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  Speaker 3: is not appropriate, you actually just kind of push her
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  Speaker 3: further away instead of drawing her in. So what is
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  Speaker 3: a way that you can draw her in? If she
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  Speaker 3: really enjoys romance, then find a way that you can
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  Speaker 3: be a part of that process. So for our 12-year-old,
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  Speaker 3: she really loves detective style things. And the shows that
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  Speaker 3: she wanted to watch were just way beyond her. And
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  Speaker 3: I wasn't comfortable with her watching them. So I took
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  Speaker 3: a little bit of time to research and find something
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  Speaker 3: that I thought might pique her interest. Our whole family
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  Speaker 3: has watched it, except for you, because you don't watch TV.
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  Speaker 3: But she loves it. And it was something that I
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  Speaker 3: could then share with her. And yes, every now and again,
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  Speaker 3: there's a few adult themes that are a little bit
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  Speaker 3: beyond what I would feel comfortable sharing with her. But
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  Speaker 3: she's been so grateful to be led into, I guess,
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  Speaker 3: the girls' club. And have that experience. And she will
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  Speaker 3: come and talk to me about the things that she
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  Speaker 3: sees that are a bit outside of her kind of comprehension,
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  Speaker 3: which makes it much easier for me to stay involved.
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  Speaker 1: Okay. After the break, I'm going to add a couple
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  Speaker 1: of things. If Anna is interested in what Dr. Justin
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  Speaker 1: Coulson has to say, but I think there's some pretty
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  Speaker 1: solid things there. I'm also going to disagree with one
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  Speaker 1: or two things that you've mentioned.
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  Speaker 2: Okay.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe finesse, one or two things that you've mentioned and
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  Speaker 1: put a different spin on them. What do we do
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  Speaker 1: when the kids want to push the boundaries at ages
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  Speaker 1: where they're just too young? A bit more on that next.
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  Speaker 1: We're back. This is the Happy Families podcast, answering your
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  Speaker 1: tricky questions. As I listened to Anna's question, Kylie, and
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  Speaker 1: your response, a couple of things came up. The first is,
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  Speaker 1: No matter how much you try to keep certain content
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  Speaker 1: out of your child's life, it's going to find its
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  Speaker 1: way in. There's this thing called a screen. There's this
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  Speaker 1: thing called school. There's this thing called society. And unfortunately,
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  Speaker 1: you can do everything you can to keep things as
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  Speaker 1: pure as a driven snow where you are. And as
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  Speaker 1: soon as your child steps out of that environment, he
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  Speaker 1: or he will be exposed to other things. So I'm
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  Speaker 1: not convinced that total security, total cocooning is always going
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  Speaker 1: to be the best way forward. Kyle, you've indicated these
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  Speaker 1: conversations previously. Sometimes they work, sometimes it can be really hard,
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  Speaker 1: but there's a model that I lean on from time
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  Speaker 1: to time that I think is really valuable here. When
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  Speaker 1: our children are young, we want to cocoon them. As
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  Speaker 1: they get older, we need to start to pre-arm them.
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  Speaker 1: That is, we need to start to have conversations with
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  Speaker 1: them about tricky things before they're exposed to them out
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  Speaker 1: in the wild because they can have that conversation safely
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  Speaker 1: and get some understanding and some practice with it in
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  Speaker 1: our home. That's kind of what you're describing when you're
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  Speaker 1: talking about that TV show that I haven't bothered to watch,
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  Speaker 1: but the rest of the family has, where our 12-year-old daughter.
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  Speaker 1: Probably would rather that she wasn't watching it. But given
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  Speaker 1: everything else that she wants to do, this feels like
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  Speaker 1: it's a pretty safe compromise overall. And then we get
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  Speaker 1: to have conversations because she does come to us and say, hey, well,
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  Speaker 1: what about this? And what did that mean? And helping
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  Speaker 1: to understand. The next thing that I want to add, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: is this. Reading is good, but content does matter. And
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  Speaker 1: there are some things where you just need to hold
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  Speaker 1: your boundary. I don't think that 11 and 12-year-old girls
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  Speaker 1: should be reading young adult fiction that has romance themes.
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  Speaker 1: I genuinely don't think that's appropriate. They might be interested
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  Speaker 1: in it. They might be compelled by it, but we
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  Speaker 1: need to work with librarians and bookstore staff and find
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  Speaker 1: books that have the appropriate safety nets or boundaries and
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  Speaker 1: guideposts to keep kids safe. Content is a thing that
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  Speaker 1: we do need to address. and be across.
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  Speaker 3: Don't you just wish that books came with a rating? Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: It would make life so much easier for parents. It's
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  Speaker 3: so hard at times. Even books that you and I
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  Speaker 3: have picked up thinking that they would be appropriate, we've
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  Speaker 3: had to get rid of them because they're not the
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  Speaker 3: kind of book that leaves us feeling good.
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  Speaker 1: Hey, I'm going to do a quick shout-out as well.
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  Speaker 1: All of our kids have loved a trilogy from a
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  Speaker 1: Tasmanian author by the name of Leanne Tanner. It's called
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  Speaker 1: The Keepers. Our kids have loved that trilogy enormously, and
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  Speaker 1: our youngest is currently reading it, which is why it's
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  Speaker 1: top of mind again. Really, really fun and perfectly suited
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  Speaker 1: for that age group. Anyway, let me move on. The
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  Speaker 1: last thing that I want to highlight this is, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: you commented about having these conversations, but kids often don't
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: want to get involved. And what Anna said was she thinks...
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: that I don't understand. So Stephen R. Covey, the author
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: of the best-selling Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, shares
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: this story where he's talking about, I can't understand my son,
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: he won't listen to me. Your daughter just probably needs
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: to be listened to rather than spoken to. You feel like.
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: That's that whole get curious, not furious, right?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I just want to expand on that. You highlighted
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  Speaker 1: it and I really wanted to push harder into that.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: sitting down and saying, I'm just fighting with you all
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  Speaker 1: the time and it doesn't feel good. And we keep
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  Speaker 1: on having this conversation. What don't I get? What am
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  Speaker 1: I missing? And just keep on asking questions. And you
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  Speaker 1: can even say, well, what if there was a book
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  Speaker 1: that had this sort of content in it? What would
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  Speaker 1: you do? How would that make you feel? How would
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  Speaker 1: you respond? There's that pre-arming again. Eventually, you've got to
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  Speaker 1: be able to defer. I didn't finish. You've got to
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  Speaker 1: defer to your children. So you can't get to deference
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  Speaker 1: if you can't pre-arm them and give them... Alfie Cohn
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  Speaker 1: talks about how if you want to have responsible kids,
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  Speaker 1: you have to give them responsibility. And that does start
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  Speaker 1: at this age. We want to give that to them. Anyway,
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  Speaker 1: we really hope, Anna, that this has been helpful information
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  Speaker 1: and that it helps you bit by bit to guide
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: your daughter to making better decisions in terms of the
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  Speaker 1: media that she consumes. But also maybe a quick reminder
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: that we don't have to be as hardcore as we
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: feel like we need to be sometimes. Sometimes. I'm putting
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: a big exclamation mark and underlining the sometimes. If you
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: have a tricky question, we'd love to hear from you.
• 12:09
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• 12:13
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• 12:15
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• 12:18
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• 12:22
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• 12:25
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• 12:29
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• 12:31
  Speaker 1: visit happyfamilies.com.au.