Latest / Self Love Podcast / Being Consistent With Being Inconsistent

Transcript

Being Consistent With Being Inconsistent · Self Love Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, free spirits.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of Life Walking Journey into all my new free spirits.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hi guys, welcome.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: How's everyone doing?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Happy mid-April.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: This month is almost gone.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Has anybody noticed, or is it just me?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like time has been passing by very, very, very fucking quick lately.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like the day's barely starting, and before you know it, the end of the day is already here.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe maybe it's it's a part of growing up or being an adult, but definitely time does feel like it's flying by a lot quicker now.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: But this episode, I did want to talk about a little bit about something that I feel like I've been struggling with even to this day, and I feel like it's something that a lot of people do struggle with.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because I mean, for this episode, because I do feel like that's something that I have been struggling uh with lately.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: With um, I guess for for instance, me starting the podcast or even starting a hobby or even starting like anything aside from you know life daily survival duties.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I tend to fall into this habit of not being consistent with things.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I tend to give up in between.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I try to find the strength to do things, but you know, like I've always said, life is always life, and sometimes you know, I feel like I need a break.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've always I've always been the type of individual, that type of soul that I've always needed a break.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I need a break from people, I need a break from society, I need a break from social media.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't really like explaining myself.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, nothing, nothing.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I just I've always felt like all my life I've always absorbed uh people's energy, like the world, depending on where I'm at.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm always absorbing people's energy.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for instance, excuse me, the other day we went to a Dodgers game.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: It was really fun.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have not been in a Dodgers game in about five almost six years.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Being in that crowd, you know, it was amazing eating the snacks, you know, having your little, you know, talk kind of beer and all, but I can just sense everybody's energy that it was throwing me off, and I become quiet.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like I start looking around, I start, you know, absorbing what people are doing.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the people next to us were irritated because we were sitting in one of their seats.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel the tension, you can feel the people behind us next to us.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're talking crap to the new New York Mets or wherever they're from.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: It just the tension was just very thick.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I get it, you know, it's a game, but I felt so freaking drained.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I was I was consuming people's energies, and by the end of the game, I I kid you not, I felt like I was very, very tired, even though I was just sitting there drinking a beer or two, and um leaving the game, getting home, and even the next day, I felt so so drained, and I keep thinking to myself, like, why do I feel so drained?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what what the heck did I do?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it started to realize that every time I'm I'm around big crowds, I tend to feel like that by the end of the night or the next day, and I hate that.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I hate that, but um, but one thing that I also do hate about myself is that I have never been consistent with with with a lot of things, not with not a lot of my hobbies, you know, side businesses, stuff like that.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've always given up, and I feel like the moment I hit a wall or the moment I something fails, I feel like I'm always saying, like, okay, this is not it for me.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not working for me, it's not gonna, it's not, it's not, it's not doing for me, you know.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for instance, I love the makeup, I love makeup, I love doing you know the transformations, the beauty of makeup.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as a lot of people have known, I had to start my own business back in the days with uh strip lashes, best quality mink lashes, by the way, with uh Sergio Beauty, and with that, I also gave up on it maybe I want to say four or five months into it.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because life per usual was life, and I just tend to just give up on it.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: It was doing amazing.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I kid you guys not.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was restocking every so often, and as soon as I restocked, it would disappear, and it just it felt good that people believed in my you know in my business and and in what I was believing in.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to make it something big.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I want I really wanted to make it something big, but um, again, it falls back to me not being consistent.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I give up in life.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think with me, what I'm starting to learn now these days, which I I'm learning not to care anymore, is I will let people's opinions and thoughts and comments about myself or or anything affect me, um, to the point that I would just give up.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because I I I've I've I feel like all my life since I was a kid, I've always been let down, put down when it came to my dreams.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um like I wasn't able to be myself, I wasn't able to to dream, I wasn't able to even think an idea because it was stupid, it was lame, and I'll be honest with you guys.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, bab, if you hear this, but I feel like with my podcast now, I felt very, very, very good because I am becoming more open with myself, with my flaws, with everything that I have been doing with myself, uh mistakes that I've created, things that I've run away from.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm I'm I'm being very vocal about it, I'm accepting it, you know, that I'm not a perfect person, that I that I'm fucking up, and um, you know, basically acknowledging my best side.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: But my partner has the habit, you know, we all have that habit when we're pissed.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um when we we say things that we don't mean, or maybe we do, I don't know.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: But my partner has brought up several times, you know, my podcast saying how I'm fake in here, and and that uh I'm never gonna do anything with it.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it kind of I'm not gonna lie, I feel like that has been the reason why I kind of pushed away from the podcast because I was like, maybe he's right, which he's not, you know.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, obviously the numbers on my on the portal of the entire broadcast uh for all the platforms, numbers show, you know, we're we're we're not being paid in a hundred different uh cities throughout 30 uh countries.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously the numbers are there.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't mean why do I believe it?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I think a survival mechanism of mine that with the the moment you know I if anybody feels or thinks that it's failing, then I automatically pull back and I'm like, okay, I need to survive, I can't fail with this.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I guess it all goes back with I'm afraid with failing.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I am you know learning not to care, not what anybody uh thinks or feels, you know.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I've I've even told myself, like, if I don't really care what my family has to say about anything that I do with my life or my dreams or my goals, like why should I even care about, you know, nobody that's not even blood.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, yes, he's my partner, but I shouldn't allow things uh to affect me when it comes to other people, and sometimes, you know, I I I I firmly believe that people talk all this shit because it's really an internal issue within themselves.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they don't accept themselves.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what it is, but I mean, I'm not here to bash nobody, I'm not gonna bash my partner either, you know.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: But it did it it did hurt my feelings, babe.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever, but just know that that's the kind of fuel that has always fired me uh to continue pushing, even though I would give up in the past.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: But now that it's days, now that I'm older, now that I'm a little you know mature and and and a little healed, like I I feel like I handle things differently now.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I I I use that negativity to fuel me to to push me to my limits, you know.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And in top of that, guys, you know, I'm dealing with other things on the side, uh, that of course, you know, it's kind of weighing down on me and it's kind of pulling down on me, and I'm I'm I'm trying really hard not to let it affect me or or or you know, I guess fall into depression.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's not really depression, it's more like a disappointment.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a little bit of stress, but nothing really serious to the point where I I, you know, I I I I don't want to live and stuff like that.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's just I am catching myself slowly but surely, you know, pulling back and just sitting back.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, like shit's happening in life.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: How are we gonna handle it?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: How we how are we gonna move forward from all this and how are we gonna make different changes?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still learning, you know, I'm still I'm still trying to figure that out.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, this all goes, this all falls back to, you know, I'm I'm also guilty of this, guys, when you know I'm not consistent either with my relationships when it comes to like family, friends, or even my partners.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I've I've also given up.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel like I I go in completely and then I'll stop.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I also see that you know for my partner where I feel like you know he'll do good for a few uh you know for a few weeks and then he'll go back to you know just being himself, which is not a bad thing.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but consistency, I feel like the more the more we keep trying, the more and more we'll see results.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I think with us as humans, us as people now this day with with with how we live life now, like we expect immediate results.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we get impatient, like we wanna we want to see the change now, we want to see you know the results, but I think what I have been learning lately is to be patient.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, that if you put in the work, God will work with you and meet you halfway.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to do the legwork.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us, and I say us because I'm also guilty of that, sometimes do expect for things to fall in our legs, you know, in our hands when we want things and we expect things that we won't we expect them to fall in our hands, but you know, over time, and you know, with things that have been happening to me lately, I have been learning to to to see the signs and pay attention to the signs that it doesn't work that way.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: You want something, you have to work for it.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You really have to show consistency, you have to show that this is what you want, you have to show that this is your passion.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and excuse me, I'll be 1000 completely percent honest with you guys.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I've gained about 17 pounds in the last year.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I feel like that has to do a lot with why I'm not consistent with a lot of things because I don't feel secure within myself, so I don't feel like oh my god, like if I can be myself or be secure in the mic, like I don't I don't want to portray something fake either.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I want to present something that that's real, something that's raw, that's something that's me.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And and I literally told myself, like, okay, like if that's if that's it, like like go in there, like be honest, like what you feel, like that you gain weight, that you're insecure, like just be vocal about it.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have the tendency of always hiding behind my feelings.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a cancer, we're craps, we tend to hide in our shells when when when things are not going right or when we want to heal or with anything, just how we handle life, like we just tend to always hibernate, we tend to hide in our shells, and I'm really good at that.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm consistent with that, I'm consistent with being inconsistent.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but we're learning, guys.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: We're learning, we're we're trying to be different in our 30s.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm about to be 35 this year, and I'm trying to get it right before I turn 35.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not that it's anything bad, you know.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: But people are forever always changing and involving and growing through every year of their lives, every you know, chapter of their lives, and I just don't simply don't want to be stuck.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be stuck, guys.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be stuck in the past, I don't want to be stuck in any patterns.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to change my mindset to be more positive.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, again, life is it's difficult, so it's kind of difficult sometimes.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Also, to like have to think that sometimes things are going great, and then I don't know where you're hit with something, and it's just like, oh, but we're still on that, like from like six years ago, like from five years ago.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what are we doing talking about this still?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And like, I'm just that's just the way that I function, guys.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't talk about the past, I don't like to think about the past.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I do, don't get me wrong, and then maybe in this paper spur of the moment, when we're arguing, I'll bring something up, but I'll apologize for it, but I'm not always constantly bringing it up because I don't like to live in the past.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's just for what?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's just why am I gonna torment myself over something that already happened?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well what are we gonna do with it, you know?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like the other day, God bless my family, God bless my brothers.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: But we were you know all talking in the group message, and somehow, you know, I got attacked by one of my brothers for something that you know happened clearly six years ago.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, he was still bringing it up now, and I was just like, We're we're we're still talking about that.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why is this being brought up?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I didn't even bother.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: If it was the old me, I would have responded with what I really wanted to respond, but I chose not to.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, you know what?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's it's I'm not.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he's struggling with something and he this is his way of lashing out, but I'm not I'm not gonna give in.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not there anymore.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've I I've I've closed that chapter, I've changed the you know the page, I've locked that up in the vault.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not even thinking about that anymore.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: So why is that being re brought up, you know, still, and I get it, you know, it happened to him, so he has his you know, every right to feel that that way for whatever is that happened, I guess, between the family.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: But like I said, I'm not there anymore.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: He shouldn't either.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: He was what I thought in a great and better place, you know.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know what happened that made him go back into whatever it is that he's going through, but I mean, only he knows.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I'm nobody to save nobody, I'm not here to judge anybody, I'm not here to school nobody.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um if I was able to do it on my own, I feel like anybody could and can do it.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So you know it sucks.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I know there's a lot of people that try to uh talk to me about like, oh, you need to be the bigger brother, you need to go, you know, you need to go talk to them and this and this and that.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like it's my responsibility, it's not my responsibility.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I've tried being a big brother and and you know, talking to each of my brothers individually by themselves, separately, you know, on the phone, over text.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's only been like one of them, actually, or two that, you know, actually listen to me.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: When I listen to me, we actually get somewhere with our conversation, you know, and with the others, I feel like they're very grudgeful and they're holding on to something, you know.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: But then again, you know, that's and it's it's an internal thing within themselves, so I don't judge them, I love them.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why drama follows me all the time?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, but I have noticed that without me even saying anything, sometimes I'm I don't know, right?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the I'm the villain, which I'm okay with, you know.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with being being the villain in multiple people's lives.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really care, to be honest.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care to defend myself, I don't care to explain myself.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's it's not in me anymore to wanna prove to anybody anything about me anymore.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I'm not the same person from five, six years ago, I'm a whole completely different person.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I stay away from people, including family, for that reason, to protect me, myself, and my energy.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I feel like hopefully one day my family can meet me there too.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because I feel like they all have great qualities, they all can be amazing things and you know, and amazing people.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's just we we're we're too distracted, and I say we because I also, you know, I'm a fall of that.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I would also be somewhere else in life if I just got my shit together, you know.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: But it's life, guys, it's part of growing up, it's part of us evolving.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: But is it me, guys?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is it me?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna get into this.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: But I know some of us we're like in our mid-30s, almost 40s, but I don't feel like I'm in that age.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: I still feel like I'm 20, even though my back feels like I'm 50 and my knees feel like I'm 65, and occasionally sometimes give out when I'm walking.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: But um, I don't feel my age sometimes, guys.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's crazy, and sometimes I'm so sometimes when I think that I'm just like, hold on, hold on.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Should I even be thinking this way?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, is this immature of me to even think that I still feel young?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: But um, I I feel young.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: I feel young.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I still have you know a long way to go to heal myself, to change, to be different.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I definitely don't feel I don't feel old.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: My body feels old, but I still feel young in heart.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, guys, I I okay.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be honest.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think what I would have what I have been struggling with lately in the last few weeks is the fact that I I tend to be a very trustworthy person when it comes to people, even like co-workers, new people, like I just I just always tend to be very trustworthy.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I really ever cared to not share my story with people or or like for instance if I open up to you about my life or myself, which it takes a lot, guys, to open up to people, you know, for me.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but I also look I also when I meet people, like I'm very easy I'm an open book, like I I share everything with my co-workers with my current job.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I had a problem with them.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I didn't have a problem with them.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like they had a problem with me uh being me.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I'm I'm an open book.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I unfortunately I try not to ever say things to her people intentionally.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but of course, if you I'm being asked a question, I don't have a filter, I don't like to hide anything, and I get it.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's also a bad thing that sometimes I just need to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: But these girls would ask me stuff when I first, you know, started working there, and I was always honest and tell them what I felt, what I thought, you know, obviously seeing how they work or how they are with each other.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was always putting them out, like, no, like you guys are shady to each other.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: No, you guys are not team players, no, you guys are not this.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was constantly telling them, like, no, like, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend and you know, feed your ego so you guys can feel better about yourself.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was, you know, just a front.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't rude, I wasn't, you know, mean or anything.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know I would laugh about things, and eventually, you know, one by one, they all started complaining about me, so I stopped talking to all, you know, majority of you know, the staff in um in my floor for that reason, you know, I wanted no drama.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, I'm 34.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: This is I'm not dealing with high school bullshit, I'm not young anymore.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it just felt like everything I do and did would always, you know, bug them because then I got to the point where I wasn't talking to anybody anymore.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: I would say good morning.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh even though I knew they were talking badly about me behind my back to supervisors or with amongst each other, I still tended to be nice.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I still bought them snacks, I would still, you know.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Buy them breakfast, I would still buy them coffee sometimes, say when I had extra leftover money and stuff like that.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then they went to complain to management that I was too quiet, that I had an attitude, that um that uh they felt like I was only talking to the clients.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um they also complained to the point where they were saying that I was too too happy uh with the patients.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: I also got in trouble for being too happy uh with the patients, which I I still don't understand their their way of thinking, their their their way of maneuvering with this.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I work with cancer patients, so the way that I see it is why am I gonna be monotone with these people or show no type of sympathy with them?
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or for instance, their their their their excuse was you know, you have to understand what they're going through, you can't be happy all the time.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the way that I see it, I was just like, Look, I get it and I understand, and I I I I'm I I agree with them that maybe more than half of them don't even want to go to their treatment, they want to give up already, you know.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: But the way that I see it is like if they're already dealing with that outside of you know the facility we work in, being depressed, being sad, family and friends always were like, Oh my god, if you need anything, like I'm here for you, and this and this and that, pobrecito, pobrecita.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: And from experience, I've I've I've learned that they don't like that.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people don't like that, they just want to be noticed, they want to be noticed, they want to be treated normal, they want to be treated like you know, like there's nothing wrong with them.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: So the way that I am with people, I just presented that same person, you know, at the facility.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Greet them with a smile, be super nice, how's your morning going?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I would I would I will stay away from that question of oh my god, hi, how are you?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, we all know how they're doing, so that's just already an irrational question, you know.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I wouldn't ask them like, hi, how are you?
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: I would tell them, like, oh my god, hi, how's your morning going?
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: Based on what they would tell me.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: If it was something negative, I would always turn into something positive.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if it was something positive, I would just, you know, continue, you know, flourishing that that that that comment of them being pot positive.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, the way I decided is just like, okay, let's make it a positive and happy experience for them so they can feel like you know, they don't have to be here mobying or being sad either or being catered to because of a poor thing, they're going through something.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of half of these patients, when I would talk to them, they would tell me literally they don't like being treated that way, and they would vocally tell me, like, oh, I don't like them talking to me that way.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a child, I feel like something's really wrong with me, you know, even though there is something wrong with them, like, but they don't want to be treated like there's something wrong with them, you know what I mean.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: I even got in trouble for that, guys.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: I got in trouble for all that.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, I just felt like they were, you know, they've been nitpicking at everything that I that that I would do.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, god forbid I would even raise my voice.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they would go crying.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I hate this new generation, and and and I and you know what, and to be honest with you guys, it has nothing to do with this new generation because I don't know.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: I work with a lot of older people, I'll work with a lot of older, way older people than me, and people my age, and they act like this generation, like we could we can't.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what happened in the workforce field, but people just don't want to work now.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: People want to do the bare minimum, getting paid what we're getting paid.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a lot of us are getting top paid a lot, top dollar, and they just want to do the bare minimum.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, wow, like where has this world you know gone?
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like from what I've seen growing up is people always working, hard working, uh, to get the things that they want, and now people just want things handed to them.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I honestly feel like that has that whole work situation has been affecting me a lot because I feel like I couldn't beat myself anywhere that I'm going, not at work, not at home.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because at home I felt like I had to be kind of careful with the energy that I wanted to bring home.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to bring nothing negative, nothing like nothing bad.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like I tend to like not want to bring none of that because I feel like home should be your safe space, it should be your peace, it should be your comfort zone.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't like bringing that home.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: So with that, and then just still dealing with you know the partner with you know grief, you know, he just lost his mom four months ago, so I'm also dealing with that, and um it has been getting to me, it has been getting to me to the point that I'm just like, damn, like why are we why are we down you know down each other's throats to get someone out or or just out somebody?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just I don't understand, you know, I'm not surprised anymore because I feel like a lot of people have always had an issue with me being myself all the time, and um like I said before, I just I'm not gonna change who I am, it's just who I am.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is who I present, I this is how I've always presented uh to people.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, this has been I want to say maybe the first job, maybe not the first, but the top the one that takes the crown where I had the most issues at work, and and this time, you know, this time, and I'll be honest with you, this time it doesn't have something to do with me.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: I I I I didn't even do anything back then.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you guys, I was the same way, I was very vocal, I didn't care, I shared my opinion, but I was a bitch, I was I was really a bitch back in the days, you know.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: I never held I never held back uh with anything.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so if I was that person that I was maybe eight years ago, seven years ago, then I wouldn't understand where these bitches are coming from.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, they're bitches.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but now like I know for a fact that I haven't, you know, really done anything to the point where I wanted to hurt anybody's feeling because I am a different person, guys.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: I am a different person now, and I just wanted to be cool with everybody, but I think with this, it has taught me that you can't trust everybody.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh not everybody is going to be as cool as you think you are, because I definitely did not see them as friends.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think that's where all our problems started.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my problem started, guys, is that I one of the girls did one, I guess, claims she claims to tell everybody that everybody's their best friend, like, for instance, like the nurses or whoever, and it's just like a way of like telling people like, oh, I have connections, don't talk about me, la la.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever, however, females think.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, beam be me.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: I had to shut that shit down really quick.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: I uh she brought it up again in front of me, in front of I guess those people, and I straight up in front of everybody, I told her, I'm not your friend, we're not friends, we're just co-workers.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: And even then, we're just acquaintances.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I didn't even want to call them co-workers.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I was honest, I tell them, you know, we're not friends, we're co-workers.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Oh my gosh, she's like, You're not my friend, and I was just like, No, bitch, I am not your friend.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, friends, I don't know, I don't know where you get the confusion from, but friends, it's something now that well, we are here, like we're not friends.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: And he came back and beat me in the ass.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they reported me, actually, they reported me to HR uh for telling them that they were not my friends, and uh obviously they they sided with these people because I told them that I wasn't their friend, so I'm just like, wow, like are is this is is this what the world got to now?
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like we really can't be vocal about our honesty or or or what what world really is.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you guys wanna just paint this picture for people what to make them happy.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's wrong with society is that we lie so much that people don't even know when they're lying.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not about that, and I know that that that that's something that I struggle with a lot is I can't really lie as much.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really honest about a lot of things, and that's the same thing my mom told me when I I you know my mom knows about the situation.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, my mom and I talk about everything, and I told her, and you know, when I told her about you know me telling my coworkers, you know, you're not my friend.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: She just looked at me and she slapped her forehead, and she was just like, Why would you say that?
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just like, uh, because it's the truth, you know, they're not my friends.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, I get it, you know, you're not supposed to say things like that, like just stay quiet.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what they want that well, that's one thing that has always helped me, I guess, manage my feelings, or or even going out of my way to hurt anybody's feelings.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom has always told me not if I never had nothing nice to say, don't ever say anything at all.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're not going to hurt people's feelings just because you're hurt, or just because you're going through something, you're not going to say anything mean to anybody.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: And she's always been like that with me since I was young and has always stuck with me.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, like I can't, you know, be evil.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I've always stood by that, you know.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: I I just I just I don't know.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I know how I could be when I'm angry.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm angry, I say some really fucked up shit, like really fucked up shit, and that's why I've always, you know, I refused to never let myself get to that point of being that upset.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't want to hurt nobody's feelings, and that goes with my family, you know, and my friends.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's just it's just who I am, it doesn't sit well with myself.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so so yeah, guys, that's the honest truth.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I've been dealing with in the last few weeks.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's the reason why I've been so inconsistent with the the podcast.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I guess too because somehow my coworkers found about it.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I can I can that one person uh I guess found me on social media and and and you know they brought it up once in front of everybody like we uh you have a podcast, and I was just like, oh my god, this bitch, you know, she's really out there, you know, looking.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, obviously they all started talking about it, and you know, there was you know free comments here and there that they had mentioned, and you know, on top of you know, hearing my partner say some negative things, like it's what made me pull a little bit away from the podcast, and I was like, okay, maybe this is not what I'm supposed to be doing, but you know, but but what would it say to them?
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like what I don't understand, you know, why people always have to go after people's uh projects when they're going through stuff, you know.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: But that's been my life, guys.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to be consistent, I'm trying to get better at um doing things that's including in my personal life and even my little extra hobbies like the podcast.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: But with that being said, guys, I did want to announce something since the podcast is constantly growing, guys.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said in the beginning of the uh of the episode, uh we have been growing rapidly.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, we're already in 30 countries and a hundred uh cities spread out through those 30 countries.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: So now we're gonna add an extra date on there actually of the week.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not only will we be on air on Tuesdays mornings, it's also gonna be on Fridays.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: So every Tuesday and Friday, guys, we'll uh there will be a new episode at 7 a.m.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: I have a lot of great content uh that I'm going to be recording and have recorded for you guys.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um which I'm really really excited about.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: It goes all back to being consistent again, like I said.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like with myself, I'm the type of person like if I'm gonna do something, like I need to push myself to do it to my limits in order for me to actually do it.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I told myself I was like, how can I keep myself consistent and busy with the podcast?
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, you know what?
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think one episode is enough because I have had been emailed, you know, and sent uh messages, you know, about adding an extra date.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, people actually are enjoying listening to the podcast.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, Oh, okay, so I I am a little fun to listen to.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I am gonna be adding that extra date, uh, just so I can get more uh episodes, uh more things to talk about, guys.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but just more for myself so I can be more consistent.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: I do want to put myself more out there.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: I have been reaching out to a lot of content creators uh to see who is willing to work with me.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, these little you know startup podcasts.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but I'm I'm still waiting for responses.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: I do have a few that I am on in the works of you know, we are scheduled to be record uh recording uh in camera soon.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I would announce the date for that, guys.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I don't want to say who yet, but uh I'm pretty excited, you know, to get myself out there.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I had told God lately that if you know He made certain changes for me, that I will, you know, go all in with this podcast if it's meant to be.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, you know, God answered my prayers, and all these changes happened right before my eyes, guys.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like within a week, like all these changes happen, and I'm just like, okay, this is this is this is this is what God wants me to do for right now.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna just push it.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do it.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give a fuck what my partner says, I don't care what my family says or my friends or my coworkers or anybody.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do it because it's what makes me happy.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and yeah, and I'm also uh I started a diet plan, guys.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna try to lose all that weight again.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um I need to feel good from about myself, you know.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: I I've let life get to me with everything that's been happening in the last year, and you know, I I gained weight.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: But um, per usual, guys, I I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart again that you guys continue to listen to this podcast, uh, to other new countries.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's so many now that I can't even keep up anymore uh with uh other new countries and in this city, some of the cities I can't even pronounce.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but thank you guys so much for being intrigued or for even listening or giving you know the time of day to my podcast to listen to me.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm really thankful for thankful for you guys.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that one day, you know, if anything, if this grows or becomes something big, like I'm able to try to do you know a traveling tour with the podcast and I'm able to meet some of you guys.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because some of you guys uh do send me amazing emails and I love it, and you guys are the reason why um I continue, you know, people are always making fun like, oh, you probably have like only like 30 people to listen to.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely, I do have 30 people that always comment, you know, message me, and you know, those are 30 souls that I can help change and you know help evolve together with myself.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna continue doing it, but you know, it's not that, it's it's it's greater than that, and I'm excited.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, one of the crazy things, guys, is that I've been having a lot of management marketing people reaching out to me, wanting to run my podcast and wanting to you know take over.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, no, I'm okay.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I rather figure it out on my own.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm I'm pretty good at figuring things out on my own.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't trust people, I don't I don't trust people as much anymore.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, especially when it comes to stuff like this, you know, people you know tend to take advantage of people, and I'm gonna need to be smart even when if if things grow, like I even need to be smart with family and friends, like you know.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, no, stop reaching out to me.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want your help, I don't want your assistance.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: I obviously figured it out all on my own.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't ask for help from nobody, so thank you.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: But no, thank you.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: But thank you guys so much for listening.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you guys continue, and I'll see you guys this Friday on the next episode, guys.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: I love you guys so much.