Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #451 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#451 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I think
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Speaker 1: one of the things that I seem to have to
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Speaker 1: keep relearning time and time again is just the need
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Speaker 1: to be kind to ourselves. And now here's the stars
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Speaker 1: of our show.
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Speaker 2: My mum and dad.
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Speaker 3: Friday is here and so we Justin Coulson here with Kylie,
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Speaker 3: my wife and mum to our six kids, Kylie. Every
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Speaker 3: Friday we get to talk about the things that we've
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Speaker 3: learned from parenting this week and how we can do
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Speaker 3: better tomorrow. It's called I'll do Better Tomorrow. Just before
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Speaker 3: we do that though tomorrow literally tomorrow. In order to
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Speaker 3: help people do better, we have a very special masterclass.
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Speaker 2: It's happening.
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Speaker 3: You can get all the details at happy families dot
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Speaker 3: com dot au or on our Facebook page. There's only
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Speaker 3: about ten, maybe five tickets left now. It's an emotion
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Speaker 3: coaching masterclass. You know, when you have the big emotions,
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Speaker 3: all the kids have the big emotions, and you attempted
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Speaker 3: to say cut it out, stop it, what are you doing?
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Speaker 2: Why are you doing it? Like that?
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Speaker 3: Emotion coaching is a bit where we see the emotion
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Speaker 3: in our child we name it. We see it as
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Speaker 3: a chance to connect and we make the relationship better
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Speaker 3: to help them to navigate the big challenges that they
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Speaker 3: face in their lives more effectively. An emotion coaching masterclass tomorrow.
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Speaker 3: It would be amazing if we can have a full house.
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Speaker 3: Spots are strictly limited, like I said, definitely less than
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Speaker 3: ten places left. But if it sounds good, jump onto
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Speaker 3: our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families or you
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Speaker 3: can visit happyfamilies dot com dot au.
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Speaker 2: For the details.
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Speaker 3: So, Kylie, when we reflect on the week that was,
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Speaker 3: which is always nice, especially at the end of the
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Speaker 3: week knowing that the weekend's around the corner, is there
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Speaker 3: anything that made you think, gee, I can do that
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Speaker 3: more and be a better mum? Or is this week
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Speaker 3: one of those weeks where you look at what happened
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Speaker 3: and think, oh my goodness, I need to do better tomorrow.
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Speaker 1: Well, I'm just thinking about after the week I've had,
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Speaker 1: I need a front row seat to your webinar this weekend.
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Speaker 3: You know what, You've got some special privileges being married
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Speaker 3: to me. I think we can organize that. Are you
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Speaker 3: gonna do with the kids for the two hours that
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Speaker 3: the master class is on.
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Speaker 2: There's been a rough one.
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Speaker 1: Yes, it's been a rough one. It's been a really
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Speaker 1: really hard weekend obviously, as everybody's been following along, being
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Speaker 1: separated from each other for five days out of seven
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Speaker 1: and us living in a little I guess, halfway house
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Speaker 1: while we prepare our house for sale and wait for
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Speaker 1: our new home to miraculously appear. Emotions are just a
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Speaker 1: little bit a frayed at the moment in the Coolson house,
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Speaker 1: and it all kind of seemed to come to a
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Speaker 1: head on the weekend. You know, we talk about little people,
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Speaker 1: big emotions all the time, and we had a little
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Speaker 1: person in our house who just had such big emotions
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Speaker 1: this weekend, and it felt like it was all my fault.
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Speaker 1: And it was so hard to not cature a emotions
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Speaker 1: because I was feeling everything she was feeling, just in
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Speaker 1: a different way. And when they're little, they don't know
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Speaker 1: how to articulate it the same. I don't think it
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Speaker 1: actually matters. I don't know how to articulate it sometimes
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Speaker 1: and don't do a really good job of it myself.
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Speaker 1: But you know, after saying goodbye to you and having
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Speaker 1: a massive emotional outpour at having to do this for
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Speaker 1: yet another week. I decided that I would take the
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Speaker 1: kids down to the beach and we would just have
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Speaker 1: a walk along the beach and just you know, end
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Speaker 1: the night on a nice, soothing, calming moment in time,
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Speaker 1: which turned into another emotional outburst from miss Emily, who
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Speaker 1: literally at one point was standing facing the ocean and
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Speaker 1: just screaming with everything she had because it was just
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Speaker 1: all too much. There was just so much going on
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Speaker 1: in that little head of hers, and it just left
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Speaker 1: me feeling like an absolute failure because there was nothing
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Speaker 1: that I could do to make it better, and she
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Speaker 1: just did didn't even want me to be near her
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Speaker 1: at that point, and so we kind of played cat
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Speaker 1: and mouse all the way home because she didn't want
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Speaker 1: to be near me, but she obviously didn't want to
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Speaker 1: be too far away from me as we watched to
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Speaker 1: and FRO and I got home and I just had
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Speaker 1: got to kind of breaking point and I sat on
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Speaker 1: the couch and I just let it flow and I
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Speaker 1: cried and I cried, and she finally walked over to
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Speaker 1: me and she just looked at me and held my
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Speaker 1: hand and she said, Mommy, I'm so sorry. That I've
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Speaker 1: been so mad at you this weekend. She said, I
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Speaker 1: just feel really sad right now, and she held my
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Speaker 1: hand and I kind of looked at it, and I said,
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Speaker 1: you know, sometimes when you get like that, and I said,
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Speaker 1: and you say really mean things to mommy, it hurts
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Speaker 1: my heart. And she looked at me and she knew
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Speaker 1: because her heart was hurting too, And we were able
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Speaker 1: to just have this moment where we were able to,
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Speaker 1: I guess, recalibrate together and have a good cry. And
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Speaker 1: in spite of all of the wonderful things that our
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Speaker 1: family's experiencing at the moment, the reality is life is
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Speaker 1: a little bit tricky because it's just not what we're
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Speaker 1: used to. We're in this little bit of limbo space
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Speaker 1: at the moment and life is not as we know
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Speaker 1: it and as we want it, and for all of us,
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Speaker 1: it's hard to navigate.
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Speaker 3: So I wasn't aware that everything that happened happened. We
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Speaker 3: are so every Friday we talk about what's gone great
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Speaker 3: and every now and again some of the tough things,
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Speaker 3: but not that we're having a pity party here, but
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Speaker 3: it's worth highlighting it really is hard when you're not
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Speaker 3: with the people, the person or the people that you love.
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Speaker 3: It really is hard when there's this separation, even if
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Speaker 3: it's chosen, even if it's forced, and even if you're
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Speaker 3: in a really, really nice place. It's been a really
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Speaker 3: tough I mean, it's starting to drag on and with
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Speaker 3: the horrendous weather that we've had in Southeast Queensland, it's
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Speaker 3: only made things worse in terms of getting the house
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Speaker 3: ready and trades people not being able to show up.
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Speaker 3: It's like this never ending saga that just well, obviously
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Speaker 3: I was going to say, keeps going. That's kind of
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Speaker 3: what never ending sagas do. What's the take home message,
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Speaker 3: Kylie when you reflect on how this can help you
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Speaker 3: to be better tomorrow? Because that's the purpose of this story, right,
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Speaker 3: that's the purpose of this podcast. How do we be
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Speaker 3: better tomorrow?
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Speaker 1: I think one of the things that I seem to
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Speaker 1: have to keep relearning time and time again is just
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Speaker 1: the need to be kind to ourselves when our little
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Speaker 1: people are having these really big emotions. More times than not,
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Speaker 1: it's not actually our fault. It's just them trying to
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Speaker 1: understand the world around them. But it's so easy as
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Speaker 1: a parent to want to make it right or to
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Speaker 1: take it so personally, and the reality is Emily was
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Speaker 1: having a hard weekend and so was I and it
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Speaker 1: was no one's fault, it just is. And learning to
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Speaker 1: be able to sit down and share together in a
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Speaker 1: really safe, safe space and a safe way of doing
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Speaker 1: things it's not attacking either person was really important for
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Speaker 1: Emily and I to be able to reconnect and to
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Speaker 1: recognize that we could actually support each other instead of
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Speaker 1: being at each other.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, and I'm going to add a couple of other things, Kylie.
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Speaker 3: When I hear a story like that, I think of
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Speaker 3: those things that I say all the time, like force
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Speaker 3: creates resistance. You can't make the conversation happen. You can't
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Speaker 3: settle someone down just because you're uncomfortable with what's going
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Speaker 3: on or because you want to change things. And I
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Speaker 3: think high emotion is low intelligence. It's not possible to
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Speaker 3: have a useful and productive conversation until everybody's feeling settled again.
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Speaker 3: It's kind of like that, you know, you get a
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Speaker 3: snow globe and shake it up, and all of the
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Speaker 3: glitter is buzzing around inside that globe. You can't see
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Speaker 3: things clearly until all the glitter settles and that's that's
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Speaker 3: what I feel happened in your story.
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Speaker 2: There's some great reminders there. I'm so glad you shared it.
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Speaker 3: After the break Why being a parenting expert sucks sometimes?
7:39
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
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Speaker 4: Imagine a Home where discipline got results without anyone having
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Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The dos and don'ts
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Speaker 4: of Disciplined as a webinar to help parents set limits
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Speaker 4: with love, compassion, and humanity. Find it now at happy
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Speaker 4: families dot com, dot au slash shop.
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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast The Time Poor
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Speaker 1: parent who just wants answers now? And I'm wondering, justin
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Speaker 1: why does it suck to be a parenting expert? Because
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Speaker 1: I can tell you being a parenting expert's wife sucks too.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: So this is one of the things I love my job.
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Speaker 3: It's so meaningful, it's so purposeful, it's so fabulous. But
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Speaker 3: you highlighted that last weekend, I'm with the family two days,
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Speaker 3: maybe three days if I'm lucky, each week. And on
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Speaker 3: the weekend last weekend, I was so excited to be
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Speaker 3: with the family and when I arrived, contrary to the
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Speaker 3: week before, the kids were excited to see me. They
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Speaker 3: talked my ear off, we swam in the ocean. We
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Speaker 3: had such a great time. I mean, the reconnection, the
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Speaker 3: reunion this time was amazing and I just thought, oh,
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Speaker 3: this is perfect. But across the weekend, particularly dealing with
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Speaker 3: that one child that you mentioned earlier as you were
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Speaker 3: sharing your feedback about your old do bet it Tomorrow, painful, awful, excruciating.
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Speaker 3: And while for the most part, I think that I
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Speaker 3: navigated and managed the situations that she presented us with
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Speaker 3: pretty darn well, there were a few times where I really, really,
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Speaker 3: really really struggled and publicly. We were down to the
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Speaker 3: beach on Saturday afternoon, a few families came and joined us,
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Speaker 3: and I actually had somebody watching me as I tried
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Speaker 3: my very best to contain my emotions and get it
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Speaker 3: all right.
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Speaker 2: And I'm pretty sure I didn't get it exactly right.
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Speaker 3: I might have sound a little bit too stern, and
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Speaker 3: the look of frustration in my eyes might have been
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Speaker 3: a little.
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Speaker 2: Bit too strong.
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Speaker 3: And I guess what I'm really trying to say is,
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Speaker 3: sometimes when you're the guy that's written the books, and
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Speaker 3: you've got the guy that's been on the TV and
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Speaker 3: the guy that's in all the media talking about parenting.
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Speaker 3: Sometimes people are watching you, and it adds that extra
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Speaker 3: layer of pressure. So what I'm really inclined to say
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Speaker 3: is my take home message is don't become a parenting
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Speaker 3: expert because that's really hard.
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Speaker 2: But I don't know how relevant that's going to be
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Speaker 2: for everyone. What do you think?
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Speaker 1: You know? I do remember distinctly saying something very similar
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Speaker 1: all those years back when you decided that Happy Families.
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Speaker 2: Was your go to, Like, people are going to be watching,
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Speaker 2: and I think I think the challenge.
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Speaker 1: That we're right now is obviously we're meeting all these
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Speaker 1: new people. And while you know, we have always always
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Speaker 1: been I hope you know, down to earth and completely relatable,
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Speaker 1: because we are. We're just like everybody else. When you're
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Speaker 1: meeting new people for the first time and you know,
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Speaker 1: kind of trying to develop relationships and they're aware of
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Speaker 1: who you are and what you do, you just you do,
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Speaker 1: you feel like you're being You're kind of on show,
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Speaker 1: and you're being watched a lot more closely than your
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Speaker 1: close friends watch you.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, it feels like there's an expectation like this guy's
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Speaker 3: got to do it. I've never made any claims to
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Speaker 3: be a perfect parent, but it feels like there's that expectation.
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Speaker 2: It's tricky. I'm just saying it's tricky.
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Speaker 1: I think, honey, regardless of whether you're a parenting expert
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Speaker 1: or not, I think that every parent goes through those
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Speaker 1: emotions and those feelings of being harshly judged in moments
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Speaker 1: of you know, weakness or even just children's bad behavior.
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Speaker 1: I don't think it really matters. I think every parent
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Speaker 1: experience is that at some point.
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Speaker 3: Well, I just want to I just want to highlight that.
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Speaker 3: On Saturday night, if you're near the park at the
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Speaker 3: Milula Ba spit somewhere around fish On parkin and you
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Speaker 3: saw a dad chasing after and grabbing by the shoulders
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Speaker 3: a seven year old that was sprinting away at full
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Speaker 3: speed because even at eight point fifteen, after five hours
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Speaker 3: being at the beach and park, it still wasn't enough
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Speaker 3: and she had to get away from that dad. Don't
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Speaker 3: judge him too harshly, because sometimes you just got to
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Speaker 3: tackle your kids to the ground. Actually, shouldn't I shouldn't
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Speaker 3: say that because I didn't tackle her to the ground.
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Speaker 3: I didn't even tackle her, but I did have to
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Speaker 3: chase her and then carry her, kicking and screaming I
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Speaker 3: hate you at the top of her lungs out of
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Speaker 3: the park. I mean, it was kind of a it
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Speaker 3: was a pretty intense moment, Kylie.
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Speaker 1: Emotion regulation is something that we're all still working on.
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Speaker 3: So the takeout message really is sometimes as a parent,
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Speaker 3: you actually do have to do what you've got to do,
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Speaker 3: even if there's a crow, and even if they have expectations,
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Speaker 3: and even if you can't do it the perfect way.
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Speaker 3: But perhaps perhaps next time we work a little more
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Speaker 3: on the transitions. Perhaps next time we make sure that
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Speaker 3: she has a belly full of food, because that was
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Speaker 3: a bit of a tricky thing for us on Saturday night.
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Speaker 3: And perhaps you look after her when it's started to
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Speaker 3: leave the park rather than me.
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Speaker 1: You passing the buck.
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Speaker 3: Now, Hey, thanks so much for sharing in this conversation
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Speaker 3: with us. Normally our older better tomorrow, so perhaps a
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Speaker 3: little bit more uplifting. But this is real, this is
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Speaker 3: what we're going through, and we wanted to share it
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Speaker 3: with you because every family has to navigate it one
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Speaker 3: way or another. The Happy Family's podcast, as always, comes
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Speaker 3: together because of the great work of our producer Justin
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Speaker 3: roll On and our executive producer, Craig Bruce. If you
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Speaker 3: like more info about making your family happier and helping
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Speaker 3: it to function better, particularly around big emotions, Tomorrow we've
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Speaker 3: got the Emotion Coaching Masterclass.
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Speaker 2: Like I said at the start of the podcast, places.
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Speaker 3: Are strictly limited and we're down to our fire a handful,
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Speaker 3: so please jump online happy families dot com, dot you
13:03
Speaker 3: or our Facebook page for more info. And as always,
13:06
Speaker 3: if you're looking for more general parenting advice, you can
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Speaker 3: find it all at happyfamilies dot com, dot you,