Latest / Profitable Christian Business / The Secret to a Thriving Marriage (Not Just Surviving) | Chris & Tara Borghese

Transcript

The Secret to a Thriving Marriage (Not Just Surviving) | Chris & Tara Borghese · Profitable Christian Business

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome to another episode of the Profit of Christian Business podcast.
• 0:04
  I'm your host Doug Greathouse and I am so, so pleased to have my new friends and guests, Chris and Tara, Tara Borgesi.
• 0:14
  Did I say that right?
• 0:15
  I'm gonna redo it.
• 0:16
  Tara.
• 0:18
  Okay, we're gonna, I'm gonna, this is recording, it's not live.
• 0:21
  So I tripped up.
• 0:23
  So we're gonna start over.
• 0:24
  I'm gonna do my own little internal countdown for the recording.
• 0:28
  Five, four, three.
• 0:30
  Two, one.
• 0:32
  Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of the Profitable Christian Business Podcast.
• 0:36
  I'm your host Doug Greathouse and I am so pleased to have my guests Chris and Tara Borghese with us today.
• 0:43
  They're my new friends.
• 0:44
  We met through a mutual friend recently and I am just Jason Webb.
• 0:50
  If you don't know him, you should.
• 0:51
  But they are marriage specialists.
• 0:53
  So we're generally excited.
• 0:55
  It speaks to the foundation of everything that we believe in.
• 0:58
  uh
• 0:59
  They are the co-founders of Marriage Institute.
• 1:01
  I'm gonna start over.
• 1:02
  Ah!
• 1:04
  I don't usually mess up this many times.
• 1:06
  oh Okay, so give me a second.
• 1:09
  So it's just so you know that it's marriage insights.
• 1:12
  I know it's a mouthful marriage insights Institute.
• 1:15
  It is a mouthful.
• 1:16
  won't blame you.
• 1:18
  oh
• 1:21
  I like my notes I'm gonna put in front of the screen because that's what's messing me up.
• 1:26
  Usually I have them in the front and I put them off to the side.
• 1:29
  So we're good now.
• 1:31
  All right, another countdown.
• 1:33
  Five, four, three, two, one.
• 1:38
  Hello and welcome to another episode of the Profile Christian Business Podcast.
• 1:42
  I'm your host Doug Greathouse and I'm so pleased to have my guests, Chris and Tara Borghese with me today.
• 1:47
  They are...
• 1:48
  They have started what's called the Marriage Insights Institute.
• 1:51
  I almost messed that up.
• 1:52
  It's the Marriage Insights Institute.
• 1:54
  And today's conversation is one I'm genuinely excited about because it speaks to the foundation of everything we build as entrepreneurs, our marriages and our families.
• 2:02
  Chris and Tara Borghese are the co-founders of Marriage Insights Institute and they've helped thousands of couples move beyond just surviving marriage into truly thriving.
• 2:10
  Their work is practical, deeply relational and grounded in faith.
• 2:13
  If you care about leadership, legacy and building a life that actually lasts, this conversation.
• 2:18
  is for you.
• 2:19
  Welcome.
• 2:20
  How are you today?
• 2:23
  We're great.
• 2:23
  We're doing amazing.
• 2:24
  Thanks for having us on, Doug.
• 2:26
  It's an honor.
• 2:28
  Yeah.
• 2:28
  it is a great, I look for a uh long friendship.
• 2:32
  I know we just recently met, but I quickly know that we are aligned on so many things right after we met and we'll be having a summit soon and you'll be appearing at that.
• 2:41
  stay tuned for that.
• 2:42
  that's watching, they're going to present at our summit that is coming up.
• 2:46
  So that is amazing.
• 2:48
  I like to start off the podcast with some simple breaking the ice type of questions.
• 2:53
  Sometimes they are breaking the ice and we end up going deep and that's fine.
• 2:58
  But I love to just kind of get to know you guys a little bit better.
• 3:02
  So one of the questions I have is who's the planner and who's the spontaneous one?
• 3:07
  Well, you know, it's kind of shifted throughout the years.
• 3:11
  So, so if you know me, I wasn't a corporate job and I was a planner, even though what you're going to understand is I'm a high I, which means I'm inspiring, influencing, and I
• 3:23
  talk a lot.
• 3:23
  I talk really fast.
• 3:25
  However, I've learned to be a planner at work.
• 3:29
  I've learned to slow down a little, slow down a lot to be able to think because we had a saying at the company I worked for.
• 3:36
  You plan the work and then you work the plan.
• 3:39
  You had to do that.
• 3:40
  And so I've learned how to do that.
• 3:42
  So we've kind of switched that.
• 3:43
  So on the corporate America job, I was a planner, but now that we're away from that, not.
• 3:49
  um I'm more of what you call the person who's spontaneous.
• 3:54
  Yeah.
• 3:54
  I think the word you were saying, like now I used to be homeschooled on my kids.
• 4:00
  And so we kind of like whatever the day held.
• 4:03
  Right.
• 4:03
  And so I was really a
• 4:05
  just kind of fly by the seat of my pants.
• 4:07
  Didn't really like to make schedules, didn't really like that.
• 4:11
  now that now I'm a business owner, that now I have to, if I'm to be successful, be the planner.
• 4:18
  So it was really cool because he's helped me become a planner when I actually wasn't.
• 4:22
  And, so I think for us who, that is, it's really the different seasons of our life.
• 4:28
  Yeah, for sure.
• 4:29
  For me, I want to be present now instead of I want to be present.
• 4:35
  And so that's why it's shifted a lot.
• 4:37
  That is so cool.
• 4:39
  And I love how it's kind of seemed to ebb and flow throughout your marriage.
• 4:44
  Really cool.
• 4:44
  Like you said, in the season, it was more practical to be the planner and you had to be the planner, but now you have the opportunity to be more spontaneous.
• 4:53
  So that's really, really cool.
• 4:55
  So is there one small everyday habit that the other person still makes you smile every time that they do it?
• 5:05
  You know, Doug, that for me, that's an easy one.
• 5:08
  That's an easy one because every day, I don't know if your audience can see this, but every day I see Tara.
• 5:15
  She's looking in the mirror and she's throwing her head.
• 5:19
  I know that may sound weird, but it looks so flipping cute.
• 5:24
  I can demonstrate it.
• 5:25
  It won't get demonstrated.
• 5:27
  So if women are listening, you know, like we got to do the final check.
• 5:32
  Does everything look good?
• 5:34
  And so I do this head tilt and like, does everything look good?
• 5:38
  And so I can kind of look at myself in different angles.
• 5:41
  And so he laughs at me every single time I do that.
• 5:45
  And um I would say for him, he loves popcorn.
• 5:49
  And so his habit is at the end of the evening, he pops popcorn.
• 5:53
  That's been a habit he's had since day one of our marriage.
• 5:57
  we call it, now that he, we're grandparents and our grandkids call him Papa.
• 6:02
  We call him the Papa of Popcorn.
• 6:04
  That is awesome.
• 6:06
  I can relate.
• 6:07
  I love popcorn too.
• 6:08
  uh I want to go back to what you said, Chris, and how long have you been married?
• 6:16
  We've been married.
• 6:17
  It'll be 34 years this September.
• 6:19
  34.
• 6:21
  That's great.
• 6:21
  and still enamored with your wife and still smitten, right?
• 6:28
  That is something that is amazing.
• 6:32
  So they're gonna teach you how to still be smitten with your spouse if you keep paying attention to them and follow them.
• 6:38
  So that is really, really cool.
• 6:39
  And about the popcorn, do you like seasonings?
• 6:42
  Do you just like regular butter popcorn?
• 6:45
  What's your style?
• 6:46
  butter popcorn, I only, okay, so here's a little tip.
• 6:49
  I only use organic popcorn with avocado oil, and I heat it up into uh what's called a worldly pop or a Pop Smith, and I heat it up and then I put it the popcorn.
• 7:03
  So yeah, I've got this down to a science.
• 7:05
  Yes.
• 7:06
  We call it, he calls it world famous because we've had people come stay with us from other countries and that hints that's why it's world famous.
• 7:14
  Mmm
• 7:15
  They all love it.
• 7:15
  They all love it.
• 7:16
  They're like, man, I've never had gritties.
• 7:18
  This is the best popcorn ever.
• 7:21
  So is there a popcorn business in the future?
• 7:24
  Yeah, actually there might be.
• 7:26
  might be.
• 7:27
  It's called, we have a thing called Papa's Popcorn, but we'll see.
• 7:32
  Awesome.
• 7:32
  Awesome.
• 7:32
  Well, let me know when it launches and I'll make sure to buy a tin, buy a bag, however you're going to sell it.
• 7:37
  I'll make sure to order one.
• 7:39
  We'll come back on the podcast.
• 7:41
  That's right, that's right, that would be awesome.
• 7:43
  ah I think this would be very helpful for especially those new in marriage.
• 7:48
  What's one thing you believed about marriage early on that you now laugh at because real life has taught you something totally different?
• 7:56
  Well, I'll take this one.
• 7:58
  Yeah.
• 7:59
  thought that because we were so in love that we would come into this automatic alignment and then we would never have any arguments because we were determined that we were not
• 8:11
  going to do the things that our parents did.
• 8:14
  Like, we're never going to do that.
• 8:15
  We're going to stay in love.
• 8:17
  Are you kidding me?
• 8:17
  We're never getting out of the honeymoon stage.
• 8:19
  We're going to live there forever.
• 8:21
  Those people are rookies.
• 8:24
  So now we laugh and like, boy, did we have a lot to learn.
• 8:28
  So that's probably the main.
• 8:31
  Yeah, yeah, I think everybody that's been married for a while can probably relate to that for sure.
• 8:36
  uh wisdom, like when you're young and in love and you just think it's, I think it's just being young sometimes.
• 8:44
  It's like, you just don't believe what the wise people are telling you.
• 8:50
  Like you're going to be so different just like you said.
• 8:52
  uh For the young people listening, there's a reason it's called wisdom is because they've been through it and they know.
• 8:58
  It's not because we're negative.
• 9:00
  We're not trying to uh spew death over people or be negative.
• 9:05
  It's just the way that life has a way of getting to us.
• 9:09
  It's really quite an interesting ride as we experience this life together.
• 9:18
  I feel a place right here to kind of dive into faith a little bit.
• 9:23
  And I don't know if these questions I had planned for you ask you later, but I want to ask them right now.
• 9:29
  So when did God become part of your relationship?
• 9:32
  Was it at the very beginning or did it come later on?
• 9:37
  Well, so that's a great question.
• 9:40
  I think I might tie in a little bit of our testimony.
• 9:43
  So I gave my life to the Lord at 13, but I was in a church that was very religious.
• 9:51
  So when I accepted Jesus, I thought this sounded amazing, right?
• 9:56
  Like I'm getting in on the ground floor.
• 9:57
  This is a great, never been a better time to accept Jesus as your savior, right?
• 10:01
  My family was kind of falling apart.
• 10:03
  I was kind of grasping, wanted something.
• 10:06
  But then what I found quickly was I got a list of all the things you don't do.
• 10:10
  As Christians, we don't, don't, don't, don't, don't do this, don't do that, don't.
• 10:13
  And so, and I observed a lot of hypocrisy, because that's what religion is.
• 10:20
  And so I ran from God about age 15.
• 10:24
  I thought, looking back, I really wasn't running from God because I never actually really knew him.
• 10:29
  So I was running from religion.
• 10:31
  And so I got myself into a whole bunch of mass drugs and
• 10:35
  Partying and all the scene and then God called me back to him at 20 by a miraculous thing my card broke down Needed needed to get to work.
• 10:44
  So my parents said well, you can come back home I was living on my own at that time, you know sewing my wild oats thinking I was living the my best life and And so I went to
• 10:55
  church and boy did the Holy Spirit just come over me and said stop running.
• 11:00
  was exhausted.
• 11:01
  I was tired strung out on drugs and
• 11:03
  I did, I accepted Jesus back into my heart that day.
• 11:06
  I was like, I'm recommitting my life.
• 11:07
  And I felt his tangible presence.
• 11:10
  Three weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.
• 11:13
  And then now Chris at the time was at seminary to be a pastor.
• 11:19
  He got saved when you were...
• 11:21
  24.
• 11:22
  got saved at 24.
• 11:23
  He grew up in a Catholic home.
• 11:25
  And then, so he was off at seminary.
• 11:27
  The church had sent him.
• 11:28
  He could not, we called him the Bible thumper.
• 11:30
  And so...
• 11:32
  So we were in the same church, but we actually didn't know each other.
• 11:35
  And so a friend connected us together and both of us were on fire for God.
• 11:41
  Like we loved God and we were committed to God and wanted to do everything.
• 11:46
  We just didn't know how to do anything when our marriage.
• 11:50
  Wow, I love that.
• 11:52
  Thanks for sharing your testimony.
• 11:53
  uh just uh I love the fact that you felt like you like at 13 felt like you got it, right?
• 12:04
  But then you realize that you really did.
• 12:07
  And I love the phrase that you said that you ran from religion.
• 12:09
  You didn't run from God because you didn't know him yet.
• 12:11
  ah And then at 20, you finally got to know him.
• 12:16
  And it's so different.
• 12:17
  when you're in relationship and not in religion, right?
• 12:21
  Yes.
• 12:22
  And me being a seminary, I'm a seminarian.
• 12:25
  I understood about the word God.
• 12:28
  Cemetery.
• 12:29
  As some people call it.
• 12:32
  But because of that, I didn't think that we were going to have any problems in marriage.
• 12:35
  I I know the word of God, the of God, what it says and all that.
• 12:40
  And wow, is that mistaken?
• 12:44
  Yes.
• 12:44
  that segues really well into this question.
• 12:47
  What do you feel like couples argue about on the surface that's really not usually the issue underneath?
• 12:55
  You know, um there's a of us, there's a saying out there that there's a fire and smoke and 90 % of people who die don't die of a fire, they die of the smoke.
• 13:07
  So, you're right.
• 13:09
  ah In a sense that where people will argue, but here's the main thing that I think that people argue and correct me if wrong, about when we do our coaching clients is that you
• 13:22
  make me feel a certain way.
• 13:25
  You make me feel sad, make me feel frustrated, you make me feel...
• 13:29
  And so when you do that, you give away all of your power, all of your things that allow you the ability to be a person who can stand up and be a person who can trust the Lord.
• 13:42
  Because now you've given away to that person, that person that you can't change.
• 13:47
  We should never try to fix them or change them or modify them.
• 13:51
  We're to love them.
• 13:53
  And that was a big epiphany for me.
• 13:56
  Yeah.
• 13:57
  Yeah.
• 13:57
  Nobody makes you feel any way that you don't allow them.
• 14:01
  And that's been, you know, we're on our journey.
• 14:04
  So I just want to I want to say a little bit of disclaimer.
• 14:07
  OK, we we know a little bit more than others because we do this for a living.
• 14:13
  But we're on the journey, too.
• 14:15
  We're on this journey of figuring it out.
• 14:17
  And everybody's on our journey.
• 14:18
  And that's where grace and compassion comes in.
• 14:21
  And so as God has led us on this to help marriages, he's revealed a few things to us.
• 14:27
  There's a verse that says, take every thought captive.
• 14:30
  So when we say, you make me feel this way, it's what thought are you thinking?
• 14:36
  And you're never gonna have a thought.
• 14:38
  Our thoughts come out of our belief system.
• 14:40
  So if I believe that Chris is against me or trying to hurt me,
• 14:45
  then I'm gonna form a thought around that.
• 14:47
  I'm gonna think, well, he doesn't really love me.
• 14:49
  didn't, he didn't, he's not listening to me.
• 14:51
  He's not paying attention.
• 14:52
  Like he's creating this act against me.
• 14:54
  But if I have that thought, it's gonna trigger a feeling.
• 14:56
  Never gonna have a feeling.
• 14:58
  This is really important.
• 14:59
  You'll never have a feeling that doesn't proceed, a thought doesn't proceed it.
• 15:03
  So if you're feeling sad, what are you thinking about?
• 15:06
  If you're feeling happy, what are you thinking about?
• 15:07
  And this is why the Bible says, take every thought captive.
• 15:10
  And so sometime what we noticed, a pattern when couples would come to us,
• 15:15
  They felt stuck.
• 15:17
  They felt stuck in their marriage.
• 15:19
  Like, I keep telling him, you're making me feel this way.
• 15:22
  Stop making me do that.
• 15:23
  it's like, nobody, you have to take 100 % ownership of your thoughts and your feelings because again, nobody makes you feel any way that you don't allow them to.
• 15:34
  And that's a big concept to really think about.
• 15:37
  And then how do I implement that in my life so that I don't do that?
• 15:42
  Yeah.
• 15:43
  Yeah.
• 15:44
  so good.
• 15:45
  the whole fixing thing, when you were saying that, my thoughts ran to the one who fixes us is God, right?
• 15:53
  We're as individuals, right?
• 15:55
  We're like in a marriage, we're both growing differently, right?
• 16:00
  And so like one person may be further in one aspect than the other person, right?
• 16:05
  So that's where the grace, you you have to give each other grace.
• 16:09
  I love all that.
• 16:11
  Yeah, you know, it's funny.
• 16:13
  There's a saying that says it's God's job to fix us and it's our job to love them.
• 16:21
  And if you want to trade jobs with God, mean, go ahead.
• 16:25
  We've tried.
• 16:25
  It doesn't work.
• 16:26
  But if it works, please tell us.
• 16:28
  But it just doesn't.
• 16:30
  That whole concept is very deep, because you have to have a different perspective.
• 16:36
  That's the word that we want to use is perspective.
• 16:39
  Perspective that God's not going get me.
• 16:41
  She's not the enemy.
• 16:42
  I have an enemy, it's not her.
• 16:44
  And so that whole perspective allows us the ability to connect in ways that we wouldn't be able to connect.
• 16:53
  We do a fill in the blank question on every episode.
• 16:55
  I feel like you may have just answered it, but let's just see.
• 16:59
  Most couples struggle in marriage because of blank.
• 17:03
  Well, okay, I'm going to out with it.
• 17:06
  It may sound harsh, selfishness.
• 17:09
  Mmm.
• 17:11
  It's selfishness.
• 17:13
  And I can explain that a little bit more.
• 17:15
  that so picture this and this probably happened with you and your wife and everyone else listening.
• 17:22
  It was true of us and we actually perform a lot of weddings.
• 17:25
  So it's true of most people.
• 17:28
  You walk in, so you fall in love and you walk into whatever, if you're getting married to the church or even if it's a courtroom, you walk in a you and a me.
• 17:39
  But then within 20 minutes, 30 minutes, if you're at a Catholic wedding, maybe it's an hour, right?
• 17:43
  Depending on.
• 17:45
  But then within the short period of time, the person officiating says, I now pronounce you husband and wife, and now you're supposed to walk out as an us.
• 17:57
  And most of us never understand what that means.
• 18:00
  And there's been years of study that have shown every successful couple has been able to move from a you and a me
• 18:08
  to an us.
• 18:09
  And what that means is that you now make decisions based on what's best for your relationship and where you're going versus what's just best for me.
• 18:19
  And here's a perfect analogy.
• 18:21
  I like to talk in stories.
• 18:23
  So maybe you guys can remember when you were in like, you would have, what do they call them?
• 18:30
  Game days or whatever you would have like the last day of school when you were in like elementary school.
• 18:35
  Field day.
• 18:35
  Field day.
• 18:36
  That's it.
• 18:37
  He knows cause he was always very competitive field day.
• 18:41
  so every field day always had a three legged race.
• 18:44
  you would, they would, you'd pick a partner and they would tie.
• 18:48
  like Chris and I are standing next to each other.
• 18:49
  So they would tie his left leg to my right leg, basically making three legs.
• 18:54
  Now, if you're, if you're an observer of this, you're seeing lots of people get giggles and it's great and it's funny and they fall down.
• 19:02
  And then maybe they get back up again.
• 19:04
  One wants to go this way.
• 19:05
  One wants to go that way and they fall down again and they keep falling down.
• 19:09
  keep tripping.
• 19:10
  Now the goal is the finish line.
• 19:13
  At some point, if you're going to win the race, you got to turn to each other and you got to, okay, we got to have a plan.
• 19:19
  We got to have a plan because what we're doing is not working.
• 19:22
  Like you can't go right and me go left and expect we're going to make it to the finish line.
• 19:28
  We're going to have to come together and work together.
• 19:31
  And so that's what I would say when you talk about selfishness, it is our sin nature before we accept Jesus.
• 19:39
  That's just the case.
• 19:41
  We're gonna be out for ourselves.
• 19:43
  And you never have to teach a baby, mine.
• 19:45
  That's mine, right?
• 19:47
  This comes territory.
• 19:49
  And so there could be a little bit of that or a lot of bit of that you're bringing into your marriage.
• 19:54
  And so that's not God's way.
• 19:56
  We are to sacrificially love each other.
• 19:58
  and lay our lives down for one another.
• 20:01
  And that's much easier said than done.
• 20:04
  You know, it reminds me of, okay, so I went to Ohio State University.
• 20:08
  I'm Ohio State graduate, yeah, in 1986.
• 20:10
  And so one of the linebackers who was being interviewed one time of the Ohio State Buckeye football team, he was interviewed as a senior.
• 20:21
  But what he said that what did you learn during your college career?
• 20:24
  And this is very important.
• 20:26
  And this will tie into what we're
• 20:28
  talking about selfishness is that when the game, so when the game, uh when he's a freshman was very fast.
• 20:35
  You know, this person goes here and this person, I'm just gonna tackle it.
• 20:38
  And I'd never make the, this is he would say, I'd never make the tackle because I was always out of position.
• 20:42
  was always, they were going left, I was running right.
• 20:45
  I'm like, oh my gosh, didn't know what to do.
• 20:47
  But then the game slowed down for me.
• 20:50
  The game slowed down, this is what marriage is like.
• 20:52
  When you understand the patterns, then you can, then the game will slow down.
• 20:57
  for us to be able to say, so as a senior, he said, okay, now this left guard is gonna go here, the center is gonna go here from the offense, here are the right guards gonna do
• 21:05
  this, the right tackle is gonna do this, and then I'm gonna go and shoot the guy.
• 21:09
  So he would just sit there, and then he'd make the tackle.
• 21:13
  The game slowed down for him because he understood.
• 21:16
  And so that's where I would say the spiritual aspect of it is it's gonna slow down.
• 21:21
  We're all on a journey.
• 21:23
  We're all on a journey to get better.
• 21:25
  And the game is going to slow down for you if you want to get in the game.
• 21:29
  Yeah, if I could add a caveat to that because as long as you're reading the playbook and following the instructions, right?
• 21:37
  In the playbook, I don't have a Bible on my desk right now, but there's your playbook, right?
• 21:43
  So that's really, really good.
• 21:48
  The other staple of every Profit for Christian Business podcast is the secret question.
• 21:53
  And I feel like this is going to be amazing.
• 21:56
  Your secret question is, what is the secret to having a
• 21:58
  Thriving marriage not just one that is surviving
• 22:03
  Well, that's good.
• 22:04
  That's a great question.
• 22:06
  And I would say to that, that, you know, when people are in survival mode, you're drowning, right?
• 22:15
  You're just trying to keep your head above water.
• 22:17
  That, you can't help anybody.
• 22:20
  And we've heard the analogy of people who are on the airplane, why they always say, put your mask on first before you can put your child's on.
• 22:26
  Because if you're not safe, how are you going to help anybody else?
• 22:29
  And so,
• 22:30
  I think that that's kind of like the image of just surviving.
• 22:34
  Then sometimes you get to the next stage, which would be stability.
• 22:38
  Like maybe you're not drowning, maybe you're on the beach, right?
• 22:41
  But you're not thriving.
• 22:44
  And so there is no pause button.
• 22:47
  You know, in life, we feel like life gets busy.
• 22:51
  It gets busy.
• 22:52
  And there's actually three areas, three time periods within marriages that divorce lawyers have shown.
• 22:59
  to be the most susceptible to divorce.
• 23:02
  And one is year one.
• 23:03
  I think this is kind of where the selfishness comes in is like, you're used to doing things your own way.
• 23:10
  You make all the decisions.
• 23:11
  If you want to stay up till 12, you do.
• 23:13
  If you don't want to pick up your clothes, you don't have to.
• 23:15
  Like if you want to eat cold pizza, that's fine.
• 23:18
  You don't really have to think about anybody else.
• 23:20
  You're really just thinking about yourself.
• 23:21
  And so that's kind of a big reality check for a lot of people in your first year is get.
• 23:28
  you know, bringing that cohesiveness.
• 23:30
  Then the next, the next danger zone is eight to 10, eight to 10 years in marriage.
• 23:35
  And I've never really read a study of why that is, but we have our own theory and I may be wrong, but I think I'm right because, because we experienced it in our own marriage.
• 23:47
  We almost got divorced at year 10.
• 23:49
  And so really where you're at is you, you now have kids at that time.
• 23:54
  We three children.
• 23:55
  And he was trying to climb up the corporate ladder and I wanted to be a stay at home mom.
• 23:59
  So he was doing whatever it took over time, you know, working all the shifts, traveling for his company.
• 24:06
  And so he wasn't really there.
• 24:09
  I was full into the kids, the kids, the kids that we kind of thought we pushed a pause button and our marriage would be there when we get back to it, when life slows down.
• 24:20
  Well, there is no pause button and life never really actually slows down.
• 24:24
  And so we weren't making it our priority.
• 24:26
  And so for us, it's realizing that either you're growing or you're falling back.
• 24:34
  And so it's really important.
• 24:35
  got to keep your marriage a priority no matter what's going on in life.
• 24:39
  And so that's what I would say is the marriages that make marriage priority, other than you have your relationship with God and then it's this relationship.
• 24:48
  there's no, even your kids are not more important than this.
• 24:51
  Yeah.
• 24:52
  You know, I was probably saying,
• 24:55
  Yeah, go ahead.
• 24:57
  No, I was gonna say, a lot of, think, I feel like that happens a lot in marriages is like once kids come around, there's a lot of, you're talking about everything the kids want and
• 25:06
  need.
• 25:07
  Like there's so much that you start to neglect each other, right?
• 25:11
  And I feel like you're right.
• 25:13
  Like that's one of the reasons that divorce can happen.
• 25:17
  Yeah, it really is.
• 25:18
  And you know, we learned early on that the children don't make a family, but they're welcome addition to it.
• 25:24
  And but here's the reality even behind that.
• 25:26
  Kids want that.
• 25:28
  They want to know what their position is in the family.
• 25:30
  Because think about this was the this was a huge eye opener, even though we we live that because we learned that real early on when we had our for our daughter together.
• 25:40
  That was our first child together.
• 25:42
  And and so
• 25:45
  We learned that concept and so we lived from that.
• 25:47
  But it was demonstrated when we took over our daughter's puppy.
• 25:52
  And he came into our house and he was just, he would run outside, you couldn't catch him.
• 25:59
  He was in the house and he's a little tiny golden doodle.
• 26:02
  So when you picture this picture in your mind, picture like the cutest little puppy dog that looks like a teddy bear.
• 26:08
  And so he was the cutest little thing.
• 26:11
  but he was acting up, he was chewing on stuff, was out of control.
• 26:16
  And we had a friend of ours who was a dog trainer and I'm like, this dog is like gone nuts, you need to come over here and help us.
• 26:21
  And so she said, it's because he doesn't know his position in the household.
• 26:26
  You have to show him that you're the boss.
• 26:29
  And literally, was one day of doing what she told us to do.
• 26:34
  He calmed right down, he was able to rest, he was able to sleep.
• 26:39
  He was able to go eat and go outside in a normal manner.
• 26:42
  It was like we could see all of his anxiety and all of his stress kind of melt.
• 26:46
  And when your kids know that your priority is each other, it brings that same rest, lowers their stress and anxiety because they're not meant to be the head of the household.
• 26:58
  And they'll step into it if you don't, but they're not meant to carry that.
• 27:01
  It's gonna cause a lot of problems.
• 27:04
  Yeah, order and stability.
• 27:06
  They may not seem like it on the surface, but they really crave it.
• 27:09
  ah They miss it if it's not there.
• 27:14
  So yeah, that's so good.
• 27:16
  oh Let's talk some practicality, if you will.
• 27:19
  uh What patterns do you see most often in marriages that feel stuck?
• 27:27
  That's so good.
• 27:28
  We would say it's, well, you want to take it first?
• 27:31
  let's see.
• 27:32
  Where are we at here?
• 27:34
  em So what keeps people stuck, I would think, is not understanding how the people are wired.
• 27:42
  See, for us, you know, so em we have a model of a, well, the disk model of human behavior.
• 27:49
  It's the ability to understand there's patterns to how HLAs are wired.
• 27:56
  And we can go into that.
• 27:58
  And that's what our course is about.
• 27:59
  If you understand it, then you will, what the word I want to use is adapt.
• 28:05
  Because I understand.
• 28:07
  Like, let me give you an example.
• 28:09
  Like, I'm fast paced and I have lots of energy.
• 28:14
  If I come to Tara in the morning and she's not, she's more reserved, especially in the morning until she has her coffee, right?
• 28:20
  And so if I come to her in the morning after one of my brilliant business ideas that it's
• 28:26
  If I go to her and say, oh, we got to do this, we got to do this.
• 28:30
  And she's going to say, well, does it work?
• 28:32
  How do you know that it works?
• 28:34
  Have you done your research?
• 28:35
  Have you done your analysis?
• 28:36
  If I don't have the answers to those questions, it's just not going to the conversation is not going to go well.
• 28:43
  And so I would say that the main thing that people have to understand is the fact that I'm adapting.
• 28:50
  I'm not losing myself.
• 28:51
  I'm not losing my eye or I'm energetic and I'm
• 28:56
  I'm learning that if I want to connect to Tara, if I want to connect, then I will adapt to her and that she will do the same thing for me.
• 29:07
  She will speed up.
• 29:08
  I'll slow it down.
• 29:09
  And so that's where that's how it works.
• 29:11
  Yeah, I can elaborate a little bit on that question because we see that quite often.
• 29:16
  And really what they're in is what we would say it's a power struggle and they don't know how to get out of it.
• 29:22
  And so ah and so if they're stuck,
• 29:25
  Like Chris said, it's learning that you're two different people and that God designed you that way.
• 29:30
  And so how do you get past the being stuck part?
• 29:35
  One is to realize two on a spiritual side of it is that marriage is thing that's gonna make you grow the most.
• 29:43
  It's not gonna be easy because nothing, even John Maxwell has a saying that says anything worthwhile in life is an uphill journey.
• 29:52
  It's an uphill battle because
• 29:54
  Think about if you were wanting to get in shape.
• 29:58
  Do we have an expectation that getting in shape is going to be easy?
• 30:02
  Not painful?
• 30:03
  No, I can remember going to a boot camp.
• 30:06
  literally couldn't walk from the car into the grocery store because I could have my muscles were so sore.
• 30:14
  so taking, maybe you want to get a degree.
• 30:17
  It's going to cost you time and money to study and you're going to sacrifice.
• 30:21
  It's going to cost you something.
• 30:23
  And so I think the notion of we get stuck when things get hard, that's just the thing that God wants to help us grow through.
• 30:31
  But it's the mindset, it's back to that mindset.
• 30:34
  And then the practical tool on that is the first step is learning that you're different on purpose for a reason and understanding that the person isn't out to get you.
• 30:45
  Yeah, that's good.
• 30:46
  oh There are a lot of entrepreneurs that watch this podcast and a lot of them are high achieving like yourselves.
• 30:54
  They're juggling a lot of things, work, parenting, some of them are even doing ministry as well.
• 31:00
  In those type of couples, what do you see breaking first?
• 31:06
  Well, it's typically the marriage.
• 31:08
  Yeah.
• 31:09
  I would say it's the marriage.
• 31:11
  Because, uh, because.
• 31:13
  what breaks down first in the marriage?
• 31:17
  For example, would it be communication?
• 31:19
  Do they stop communicating?
• 31:22
  Well, okay, so let me define that a little bit more.
• 31:25
  I think it goes back to kind of like you get busy and you think you're gonna put your marriage on the back burner.
• 31:30
  Because for us, like our kids were involved in sports, so I would be at volleyball tournaments, he was at baseball tournaments, basketball.
• 31:38
  So we were separated a lot.
• 31:40
  if you happen to work together, which is a whole nother dynamic, we did a whole training on how to work together and still wanna go to bed together at night.
• 31:51
  because by the end of the night, especially you have two different personalities.
• 31:56
  And so you're even going to run a business different.
• 31:58
  So a lot of hurt feelings come into their tip.
• 32:02
  I'll say this to your audience.
• 32:04
  If you're the business owner, if you're the entrepreneur and you've proposed this to your spouse, like, Hey, we should do something together.
• 32:11
  And they're probably almost every single entrepreneur is a D.
• 32:18
  or an ID or DI, meaning that that dominant direct doer decisive, like their challenges, they control things, they wanna start things, lead things.
• 32:27
  And so they usually are attracted to the opposite personality style, which typically is like the very supportive, caring, logical personality.
• 32:38
  And so there's a lot of risk in that the D and the I personality are okay with the risk where the other personality is not.
• 32:47
  And so that's just kind of going a little bit deep into if they're entrepreneurs, what they could be experiencing in that.
• 32:53
  But I would say it's really just not being intentional.
• 32:58
  That's what goes first because listen, we can't do it all.
• 33:02
  We have to realize what season that we're in at the time and what's needed to be successful.
• 33:09
  And I can speak from experience.
• 33:12
  And I'm not saying this, that every woman needs to do this.
• 33:16
  I'm very passionate about it that I stayed home with my kids.
• 33:20
  Now I know some women, if they're the breadwinner and they don't have the opportunity to do that, you know, everyone is, has their own thing that they're doing in life.
• 33:29
  But for me, investing in my kids and being there and being the loudest voice in them will be the best investment you will make in life forever because you're literally growing
• 33:41
  those children.
• 33:41
  And so I would say if your marriage is, there's some issues going on.
• 33:46
  sit down and have a family meeting and say, what can we do?
• 33:49
  What can go?
• 33:50
  We don't have to serve at church and go to all this and serve at that thing and have this ministry and work.
• 33:57
  And it does get to be quite a lot.
• 34:00
  And something, it's kind of like either your spinning plates or you're juggling a bunch of balls.
• 34:05
  Some is gonna hit the ground eventually because we're just not made to operate at such a fast pace like we are.
• 34:11
  I like the concept you just said about mindset.
• 34:14
  If we can understand,
• 34:16
  Like, let me give you an example.
• 34:17
  When I worked at a company and I was an executive, so people, men and women would come to my office and they'd been up all night.
• 34:29
  The men would be scruffy.
• 34:31
  Their clothes would not be ironed or hair wouldn't be combed.
• 34:34
  They'd have a scruff on their face.
• 34:37
  I'm like, man, what's going on?
• 34:40
  And so either one, the man or woman would say, without a doubt, they would say,
• 34:45
  I have an argument with my spouse the entire night.
• 34:48
  I'm like, well, you're not doing me any good.
• 34:50
  You're certainly not doing the company any good.
• 34:52
  And so what we don't understand is that this here is a ministry.
• 34:58
  Marriage is a ministry.
• 35:01
  And so what we like to say is like the marriage, the space, the in between it is the creamy center where it's a safe place.
• 35:12
  It's a safe place for me to heal, to help heal.
• 35:14
  Tara's wounds from her childhood and it's a safe place for her to help me heal from if we want to get on that boat, we want to be able to heal.
• 35:22
  We want to heal each other.
• 35:23
  We want to not heal.
• 35:24
  We're going to help heal each other.
• 35:27
  God's going to be our ultimate healer.
• 35:28
  But see, this is why so many couples fail is because of the fact that they want to go about this whole concept in a different manner.
• 35:36
  Oh, what can I get from it?
• 35:37
  What are you going to get?
• 35:38
  But marriage is not about getting, it's about giving.
• 35:41
  Mm.
• 35:43
  Oh, that's a rewind moment.
• 35:45
  There's a lot of times in these podcasts where I ask the audience to pause.
• 35:51
  Just go back about five, 10 seconds and that phrase, what marriage is about, listen to that again um and let that stick in your head.
• 36:01
  So thank you so much for that.
• 36:03
  That's very empowering to everyone listening and encouraging.
• 36:05
  oh This just came top of mind because I'm sure
• 36:11
  This is with a lot of married couples is they both feel like they have the best intentions, but they can't seem to quite come together, right?
• 36:19
  Or one thing doesn't see the other's intentions.
• 36:22
  Neither one of them has ill intentions to the other one, right?
• 36:25
  But they're not coming together.
• 36:27
  Am I asking or I'm not even sure I'm asking the question the right way that I want to ask it, but is there a way to kind of come together when that's the case?
• 36:39
  Yeah, that's a great question because I do think I do truly feel that I mean we've coached hundreds and hundreds of couples and and all of us.
• 36:48
  Let's just be honest.
• 36:49
  We got married because we were in love.
• 36:51
  So we didn't come in like I'm deliberately going to make this person's life miserable.
• 36:55
  You know, I don't think that's anybody's intentions.
• 36:58
  I think we have the best intentions is that we're lacking the tools to actually do that and
• 37:04
  You know, like Chris briefly mentioned this earlier about speaking each other's languages.
• 37:09
  So when you understand how you're wired, you know, back in the day, used to be the only thing we had was like love languages.
• 37:17
  So if my love language was words of affirmation and his love language is physical touch, but that's just not my thing.
• 37:24
  So I'm never going to think to give it to him.
• 37:27
  And his is like, well, I don't really need words of affirmation.
• 37:30
  So he's not going to give it to me.
• 37:32
  doesn't even know what it is.
• 37:33
  So when we don't know what it is and how to love the person fully, then we're kind of floating out there, you know, kind of ignorant because nobody's told us.
• 37:43
  And so this is why when God called us into help marriages, we said, all right, God, like there's three things.
• 37:51
  And if you've ever had a combination lock, like on your locker in high school or middle school, or maybe you have one on your bike, you know, um you have to have all three
• 38:00
  numbers for it to unlock.
• 38:02
  And so for us, we had that we were committed.
• 38:07
  We were committed to each other.
• 38:08
  We said our vows till death do us part.
• 38:10
  And so we had decided early on, we're never gonna threaten divorce.
• 38:14
  And then number two was that, you know, we're both believers.
• 38:18
  We have a biblical worldview.
• 38:20
  We read the Bible every day.
• 38:21
  We believe in God, we love God.
• 38:23
  We wanna obey Him.
• 38:24
  We had faith, but it was like, but God, like what is missing for actual lasting change?
• 38:30
  Because...
• 38:31
  All these couples started coming to us and I said, whoa, whoa, All right, God, if you want me to do this, you're going to have to give me the third number because there's something
• 38:40
  missing that I'm not getting.
• 38:42
  And so that's when we were introduced to personalities.
• 38:46
  And then the reality that 90 % of couples marry their opposites.
• 38:50
  And here's the kicker.
• 38:51
  It's kicker.
• 38:53
  Here's the kicker.
• 38:53
  It's great until it isn't.
• 38:57
  We were at the point of until it isn't.
• 38:59
  And then it was like,
• 39:01
  What are you saying?
• 39:02
  You're speaking, I don't know what language you're speaking.
• 39:05
  I can't hear it.
• 39:06
  It's frustrating.
• 39:07
  So you picture two people speaking two different languages, which we've all encountered this.
• 39:12
  And you're like, man, I really want to communicate with you, but I don't know your language.
• 39:17
  And so when you, when that happens, you, without a good understanding, you're going to have very, very bad misunderstandings.
• 39:24
  And that's where these couples, have good intention.
• 39:26
  They just need the tools.
• 39:27
  Yeah, I love that.
• 39:28
  And you'll help give them the tools and we'll get to that in just a minute.
• 39:32
  I really want to dive into faith and your marriage in particular right now, because oh I think it'd be, again, I think what you answer will be an encouragement to the people
• 39:42
  listening.
• 39:43
  Can you cite a time in your marriage where you're like, that was just God all the way.
• 39:48
  God showed up oh at that time.
• 39:53
  Boy, we have a lot of those.
• 39:54
  I think you should tell them you were moving to the master story.
• 39:57
  So we alluded to year 10.
• 39:58
  We'll set it up for you.
• 40:01
  Boy has he, you know?
• 40:04
  God has a funny way of showing up in our lives when we least expect it and in the right time, in his right time, maybe not ours.
• 40:13
  But at year 10, we were done.
• 40:16
  We were done.
• 40:17
  He was traveling all the time.
• 40:19
  We were arguing when he was home.
• 40:20
  It was a big mess.
• 40:22
  um I kind of, I couldn't share any of my feelings with him because he didn't want to talk about anything deep because he thought that when we were having, you know, conflict, he
• 40:31
  was avoiding all conflicts.
• 40:33
  And so we were both to blame.
• 40:35
  And then in came, I started having what's called now, which I didn't know, an emotional affair where another man had come into my life and we were just talking.
• 40:44
  I was sharing all my feelings with him and he meant he really got me.
• 40:48
  This is how sinister the enemy is.
• 40:50
  He knows what you're missing and you're a target.
• 40:54
  Because we're all believers, we have targets on our back.
• 40:57
  And so this started happening.
• 41:00
  Well, this is funny in God's grace.
• 41:03
  So I'm having phone calls with this person, nothing physical, nothing sexual, just like I'm sharing all of my feelings and he's listening, right?
• 41:13
  He's telling her all the great things.
• 41:14
  he's tickling my ears.
• 41:15
  He's saying, man, if you were my wife, I would talk to you all day long.
• 41:18
  You're so funny.
• 41:19
  You're so smart.
• 41:20
  You're so amazing, which was all the things he wasn't telling me.
• 41:23
  Now we're both guilty.
• 41:25
  So hear what I'm saying.
• 41:26
  We're both guilty in this.
• 41:27
  So then he pulls the phone records because he works for the phone company.
• 41:33
  He confronts me.
• 41:35
  Well, he's like, it's done.
• 41:37
  It's over.
• 41:37
  I'm like, fine, leave.
• 41:39
  then.
• 41:40
  uh
• 41:41
  This happened within one night.
• 41:43
  This is our God story.
• 41:44
  Yeah.
• 41:45
  So her sister used to live in the same neighborhood as us.
• 41:52
  And so I told her, you're just like all the rest.
• 41:56
  And that's another story.
• 41:58
  And I'll tell you why I came to Jesus.
• 42:00
  But I basically left.
• 42:03
  It was over.
• 42:04
  I slammed the front door and I started walking.
• 42:06
  Now her sister and my sister-in-law
• 42:10
  and my brother-in-law lived in the same neighborhood as us.
• 42:13
  So I walked to their house, right?
• 42:16
  It took him about five minutes.
• 42:17
  And I remember this like it was yesterday.
• 42:20
  I threw myself on the door and I cried.
• 42:23
  I told him it was over, it's done, it's all over.
• 42:27
  So I left.
• 42:28
  So that is when God showed up.
• 42:30
  So when I left, was walking on the pavement, walking back to the house, figuring all the logistical stuff of a divorce.
• 42:37
  Like, who's gonna have the kids?
• 42:39
  Where am I going to live?
• 42:40
  Where is she going to live?
• 42:41
  Who's going to get the house?
• 42:42
  If anyone, I'm like, my gosh, what's going to happen?
• 42:45
  Well, it happened.
• 42:47
  I could not move.
• 42:50
  I physically could not move.
• 42:52
  Wow.
• 42:54
  So it's almost like his feet became part of the cement, just like Paul, when Jesus got, when he had this encounter, when he was crucifying Christians, right?
• 43:02
  It's kind of like one of those things.
• 43:03
  And God asked him two questions.
• 43:05
  He told me two questions.
• 43:06
  He gave me two, he didn't ask me two questions.
• 43:08
  He told me, he says, well, first of all, you need to fight for your family.
• 43:12
  You need to fight for that beautiful wife.
• 43:14
  You need to fight for your beautiful children because Satan is trying to destroy you.
• 43:19
  See, that's what we don't understand is that Satan does not like families.
• 43:24
  He will do anything he can to counteract what you're trying to do good with bad, with evil, the lies you're believing.
• 43:32
  So fight for your family.
• 43:33
  I wasn't ready to fight, but after this meeting, after this encounter with God, my goodness, I was gonna fight.
• 43:41
  So that was the first thing.
• 43:42
  But the second thing is probably the most important thing that's revolutionized my life in everything.
• 43:51
  I'm telling you, Doug, in everything, not just my marriage, but with how I'm going to treat the children, how I'm going to do work, how I'm to do business, everything.
• 43:59
  And here it is.
• 44:00
  Are you ready?
• 44:02
  Take a hundred percent responsibility for your life.
• 44:06
  And he told me that I pushed Tara into the arms of another man.
• 44:11
  I did that.
• 44:13
  I did that.
• 44:14
  Not her.
• 44:15
  I did that.
• 44:17
  So that was my portion of it.
• 44:19
  I was ready to blame her.
• 44:20
  Oh, she did this to me.
• 44:22
  Oh, woe is me.
• 44:23
  I was doing a pity party.
• 44:25
  Oh, all of that.
• 44:26
  And it just wasn't the case.
• 44:27
  So God met me on the road to Damascus.
• 44:32
  So he comes home, opens the door and he's all like lit up.
• 44:37
  And he left me angry, upset, crying.
• 44:41
  And he comes home within like an hour or two.
• 44:44
  And he's like, I'm like, what?
• 44:46
  I actually was still sitting on the couch.
• 44:48
  hadn't even got up.
• 44:49
  Because I think the kids were in bed already.
• 44:51
  I was like, I was kind of in shock of everything that happened.
• 44:55
  And he came over to me and he said, Tara, I know I don't have all the answers.
• 44:59
  I know we both messed up, but will you fight for our marriage and our kids with me?
• 45:05
  So he gave me an invitation to let's not give up.
• 45:08
  Let's fight together.
• 45:10
  I'm willing.
• 45:10
  Are you willing?
• 45:12
  And so I said,
• 45:14
  And I'm not gonna say it was all easy.
• 45:16
  It certainly was not easy, but that started because he was willing to step up and we both were willing to take 100 % responsibility for what we had done in our marriage.
• 45:27
  Wow, thank you for sharing that.
• 45:30
  It almost made me tear up a little bit.
• 45:32
  I know it made you both a little bit emotional and as it should, like it's such a deep part of your history and, you know, made you stronger today.
• 45:43
  And thank you.
• 45:45
  Just thank you for sharing that.
• 45:46
  That is so good.
• 45:47
  There are so many uh Bible things that we could pull from that.
• 45:51
  One thing that came to my mind when you talking about you were ready to just blame her.
• 45:56
  that take your log out of your own eye, Verse.
• 46:03
  So, go back to the selfishness thing.
• 46:05
  We're thinking about all the ways that that person wronged us, rather than the ways that we could have wronged them.
• 46:10
  And when we both come at it, can I look at it from their perspective, right?
• 46:19
  And come together over that.
• 46:22
  It takes both, it takes both though, So.
• 46:26
  It really does.
• 46:27
  think...
• 46:28
  have a thriving marriage, does.
• 46:29
  To have a surviving marriage, one takes two.
• 46:31
  It takes two to form a pattern, only one to break it.
• 46:34
  So if you can survive with just one, but...
• 46:38
  It gives your spouse the fighting chance because if they're not willing to do anything, if they don't see a problem, if they're not willing to do anything, you can still do
• 46:49
  something.
• 46:50
  Because think about it, if someone invites you to a fight behind the school, after school ends, right?
• 46:56
  If one of you doesn't show up, there's no fight.
• 46:59
  And so you have to stop showing up to the fight.
• 47:02
  You have to start uh changing your behavior towards them and start working on yourself so that you, that actually gives your spouse, that's the most loving thing that you can do
• 47:13
  for people in your life is to work on yourself.
• 47:17
  is to get over the things that are holding you back, to get freedom in those areas that God wants you free in so that you have the ability to now show up powerfully in who God
• 47:28
  has created you to be.
• 47:31
  I think of two things that God talks about that he doesn't like.
• 47:34
  Pride, right?
• 47:36
  uh And he has a first commandment, love your neighbor, right?
• 47:40
  Love, like love, get rid of your pride and show love.
• 47:44
  So uh focusing on those two things, right?
• 47:47
  So much that we're out about our own pride.
• 47:49
  I don't want to look weak.
• 47:52
  I don't want to admit my faults because of my pride, right?
• 47:58
  That's so good.
• 47:59
  And we are...
• 48:00
  I feel like we should have a second episode, but the good news is that you're gonna come on our summit when our summit launches, because I had so many more questions and I know
• 48:09
  there's so much more that you could share with the audience, but this episode would be forever long if we continued.
• 48:15
  So what I'd like to do is how can people find out more about the Marriage Insights Institute?
• 48:24
  How can people find out more about that?
• 48:27
  Yes.
• 48:28
  Well, you can go to marriageinsightsinstitute.com and uh so you can kind of see what we do.
• 48:34
  There's some testimonials on there.
• 48:35
  uh We also, people can book a call with us if they're interested in private coaching.
• 48:41
  That's one thing.
• 48:41
  We actually have a, I think it's our Instagram account, which is marriageinsightsinstitute.com.
• 48:48
  But we also have a free gift too, that's a very valuable.
• 48:53
  Asher, you'll put the link up.
• 48:55
  It's 52 creative date nights and conversation starters.
• 49:00
  So a lot of times people think that they're, if we just had better conversations, we had better communication.
• 49:07
  Well, sometimes it's being able to connect.
• 49:10
  And so those conversation starters help you connect on a deeper level.
• 49:14
  so it's just a free thing.
• 49:15
  we also, through marriageinsightsinstitute.com, we send out a weekly newsletter.
• 49:21
  And that just comes out every Monday with a marriage tip.
• 49:24
  We call it the Marriage Monday Minute.
• 49:26
  And it's a quick little tip with some verses and some insight and then an action thing to do that week.
• 49:33
  So that's a free resource that everybody can sign up for.
• 49:38
  Nice.
• 49:39
  I am going to share that link below.
• 49:41
  So if you're watching this on video or if you're listening to this audio, it'll be in the show notes or somewhere around the video for you to click on that.
• 49:49
  If you're a married person, no matter what state you feel like your marriage is in, I think that's a good idea to go in and grab those conversation starters.
• 49:57
  as you've shared that, I was thinking even in beginning of marriage and you're trying to connect more, that'd be good.
• 50:02
  And if you feel like you're becoming disconnected, oh
• 50:06
  for the long-term marriage, it's a good resource, right?
• 50:08
  So I feel like anyone, matter what stage of their marriage they're in, um could use that resource.
• 50:13
  So definitely go and grab that.
• 50:15
  That's at the link that you'll find somewhere around this video or listening to this audio.
• 50:20
  Thank you so much, Chris and Tara.
• 50:22
  This has been amazing.
• 50:24
  um Like I said, I'm glad to now call you friends.
• 50:28
  um And hopefully we will get to see each other in person someday.
• 50:31
  That would be really, really cool.
• 50:32
  uh
• 50:34
  I do ask one last question of every person, couple that comes onto the podcast.
• 50:39
  Cause I feel like there, there might be a question that you felt like, he didn't ask me that question.
• 50:45
  There's something on my heart I wanted to share.
• 50:47
  So this is just free form.
• 50:49
  What would you like to share with the audience?
• 50:51
  Uh, before you go.
• 50:55
  Wow.
• 50:56
  You know, for me, I would like to share that you have to take 100 % responsibility.
• 51:04
  And what does that mean?
• 51:05
  Does that mean that if she's going to punch me in face, I'm going to take it?
• 51:08
  Well, because how I respond is everything.
• 51:13
  I, know, 1 Corinthians, Chapter 7, Paul is talking about there's two people that aren't saved who don't know Jesus and one gets to know Jesus.
• 51:24
  and become saved.
• 51:25
  Now does the one who saved divorce or get rid of the second one who isn't saved?
• 51:31
  No, you become the example.
• 51:35
  And so when we're the example of grace, when we're the example of being a master for Christ, 2 Corinthians chapter 5 verse 20, when we are that close because see, there's so
• 51:48
  much to share, is that we are
• 51:50
  Before Tara was my wife, she was God's daughter.
• 51:58
  And I'm going to present her.
• 52:01
  to God himself.
• 52:03
  He's not gonna ask, well, like when I get to the judgment seat, he's not gonna say, hey, well, how did you, what did Tara do here?
• 52:10
  What did Tara do there?
• 52:11
  He's not gonna ask that.
• 52:12
  He's gonna say, what did you do with what I gave you?
• 52:16
  I've given you a uh gift.
• 52:19
  And that gift, Yeah, that's good.
• 52:24
  That's good.
• 52:25
  So what would I say?
• 52:27
  That's a good one.
• 52:29
  I think...
• 52:30
  So here's what we have experienced.
• 52:33
  And this is a little bit cliche-ish, but I want you to hear it from a different angle.
• 52:39
  The grass is not greener on the other side.
• 52:43
  The grass is greener where you water it.
• 52:46
  And so instead of waiting for your spouse to change and instead of waiting for them to do something, why not love the one that God's given you?
• 52:56
  So, you we always have a disclaimer.
• 52:58
  there's abuse involved, of course, of course, there's always exceptions to things.
• 53:05
  But if you're just not getting along and it's the same old same old, right, invest in that.
• 53:11
  Invest in watering where you are because we have couples who are, yeah, lots of couples, the divorce rate goes up the more marriages you have.
• 53:20
  And so the common denominator in all of that is that they're the same person.
• 53:25
  They're in their second marriage, third marriage, fourth marriage, fifth marriage.
• 53:27
  And this isn't condemnation, it's self-reflection.
• 53:30
  It's saying, I've brought myself into all of these relationships and they've all failed.
• 53:34
  when you think you're not, the only way to change a situation is when you realize if I'm not part of the problem, then how can I be part of the solution?
• 53:43
  And when we're part of that, when we realize that we're like, that's very empowering.
• 53:47
  Like I have all power, like Chris said, to change how I'm going to respond to him and every situation.
• 53:53
  And that gives you hope.
• 53:56
  Yeah, well, that's another rewind moment all the way back to when Chris started.
• 54:02
  I'm going to just say that again.
• 54:03
  The grass is not greener on the other side.
• 54:05
  It's greener where you water it.
• 54:07
  Rewind, listen to that again.
• 54:09
  Get that stuck in your head because it's just literal truth.
• 54:14
  So um thank you.
• 54:16
  Thank you so much again.
• 54:17
  um Remember, if you're watching, go grab that resource.
• 54:21
  The 52 Creative Date Night idea is below.
• 54:23
  because uh that could be the spark that kindles the fire again, or the spark that just starts the fire if you're new in your marriage.
• 54:31
  So um this has been so good.
• 54:35
  So thank you again, Chris and Tara, and have a wonderful day.
• 54:38
  And until next time, entrepreneurs, keep moving forward.