Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 31, Season 2: Beyond the Noise: Empathy in the Midst of Tragedy — Dr. Hensley on Erika Kirk’s Journey

Transcript

Episode 31, Season 2: Beyond the Noise: Empathy in the Midst of Tragedy — Dr. Hensley on Erika Kirk’s Journey · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

0:11
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co host,
0:14
Speaker 1: Reina Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley, the founder, owner,
0:18
Speaker 1: and CEO of the Love Doc relationship coaching services. You
0:22
Speaker 1: can find her at the lovedog dot com or on
0:24
Speaker 1: any social media handle at doctor Sarah Hensley.
0:28
Speaker 2: Hello. Hi, how are you.
0:31
Speaker 3: I am doing really good. How are you good. It's
0:34
Speaker 3: you know, crazy time of year. Yeah, the weather's atrocious.
0:39
Speaker 1: I just got back from Florida, which was really nice
0:42
Speaker 1: because it helps, you know, going somewhere warm, you.
0:46
Speaker 2: Know, like right in the middle of winter.
0:48
Speaker 1: I usually like to go, like in February, like we
0:50
Speaker 1: did last year to Saint John's. Then it really helps
0:53
Speaker 1: break it up. Yeah, because winters are long in Kentucky.
0:56
Speaker 3: They're very long, and we don't get like a really
0:58
Speaker 3: nice fall either. We just get rain. It's like summer rain, snow.
1:03
Speaker 2: Cold, dreary, very depressing, sadness.
1:07
Speaker 3: Yes, you know, I'm just thinking about my snowbird years
1:10
Speaker 3: coming up, you know, the next decade.
1:12
Speaker 2: Maybe, I hope so. I hope so too, because when
1:14
Speaker 2: I was in Florida.
1:15
Speaker 1: Now I kind of feel like this nostalgia when I
1:19
Speaker 1: go to Florida, just because like my whole family's from there,
1:22
Speaker 1: and like half my childhood was spent there, and so
1:26
Speaker 1: just like pulling, we rented a convertible and like you know,
1:30
Speaker 1: from the airport, drove to our resort and it was
1:33
Speaker 1: just like the air smells so like nostalgic and like
1:37
Speaker 1: it's just I want to and you know, I thought, oh,
1:40
Speaker 1: you can't spend Christmas in Florida.
1:43
Speaker 2: No, I definitely could.
1:44
Speaker 3: Yeah, I could, absolutely definitely could so freaking lately, Yeah,
1:47
Speaker 3: it was I can have some Christmas cheer, yeah, and
1:51
Speaker 3: on the beach.
1:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you immediately just are in a better mood. Yeah.
1:55
Speaker 3: Oh gosh, yeah, we just sun. As soon as you land,
1:58
Speaker 3: you're in a better mood.
1:58
Speaker 2: You're like all right, yeah.
2:00
Speaker 1: And the weather's perfect, like seventy eight eighty two, you know, sunshining,
2:05
Speaker 1: everybody's happy, you know, the beach, the waves.
2:09
Speaker 2: Yeah. I could definitely get get on board for sure. Yeah.
2:12
Speaker 1: So so today we're going to kind of, I don't
2:15
Speaker 1: want to say, you know, go in a different direction,
2:18
Speaker 1: but sort of, and we're going to talk more about
2:21
Speaker 1: something that's current.
2:23
Speaker 3: And currents, lots of headlines, lots of social media press
2:27
Speaker 3: around Erica.
2:28
Speaker 1: Kirk yeah, and I think that, you know, you relate
2:32
Speaker 1: so much to Erica just because of what you know
2:34
Speaker 1: losing I know that you weren't married to your ex
2:36
Speaker 1: husband when he passed away, but you know, losing you know,
2:40
Speaker 1: a significant other is hard and so and you know,
2:44
Speaker 1: watching your children more and I think is how you
2:46
Speaker 1: can relate to her on that level.
2:47
Speaker 3: Yes, So psychologically, losing a spouse is one of the
2:51
Speaker 3: hardest things that someone can go through. And I really
2:54
Speaker 3: had already lost my spouse. I mean, we were already divorced.
2:57
Speaker 3: I was, you know, moving from that relationship, probably fully
3:01
Speaker 3: moved on from that relationship when he passed. He passed
3:06
Speaker 3: about a year after we got a divorce, and so
3:09
Speaker 3: it definitely is a different situation. But in some ways,
3:12
Speaker 3: there's the obvious similarity of having to try to explain
3:17
Speaker 3: to your children that their father is never coming back
3:20
Speaker 3: and what death is, and her children being so young
3:24
Speaker 3: not really understanding what that is. And my youngest daughter
3:27
Speaker 3: was three when their biological father passed away, and so
3:33
Speaker 3: sort of seeing how my youngest has navigated that understanding
3:37
Speaker 3: and how it's actually kind of hurt more as she's
3:39
Speaker 3: gotten older, because she understands what her sister went through.
3:45
Speaker 3: And I think that that's one of the hardest things,
3:48
Speaker 3: is like Lexi finally being like, oh my gosh, well
3:50
Speaker 3: if I lost you or I lost Donald, which is
3:55
Speaker 3: her dad. You know, Donald's been in her life more
3:58
Speaker 3: than her own biological father point. And I was nine,
4:02
Speaker 3: like this is the age that Gabby was when she
4:06
Speaker 3: lost their dad. So her kind of seeing the impact
4:10
Speaker 3: of that and feeling that emotionally when before she when
4:13
Speaker 3: she was young, she didn't really understand it. It's almost
4:15
Speaker 3: like they come into more grief. And so I just
4:19
Speaker 3: think that what's been going on in the media with
4:21
Speaker 3: her is honestly disgusting. It's defamatory, it's slanderous, and it
4:28
Speaker 3: seems like everybody is capitalizing on her just to make
4:31
Speaker 3: a quick buck and to get views. And it just
4:35
Speaker 3: feels like a gut wrenching thing to think about because
4:39
Speaker 3: I know I wasn't on any kind of platform or
4:44
Speaker 3: had any kind of scale or fame when this happened
4:47
Speaker 3: to me, and I literally had a nervous breakdown. And
4:52
Speaker 3: she's not only navigating the loss of her her best friend,
4:56
Speaker 3: her husband who she deeply loves, So that's a different situation,
4:58
Speaker 3: but also having to explain to her young kids that
5:00
Speaker 3: their father's not very come you know, all this fame,
5:04
Speaker 3: all of this attention, having to take over as the
5:07
Speaker 3: CEO of this business, that she was just kind of
5:10
Speaker 3: I mean, I know she was in it with Charlie,
5:12
Speaker 3: but she wasn't like calling all the shots and making
5:16
Speaker 3: all the decisions. She was more of just like his
5:18
Speaker 3: support system from what I understand. You know, if I
5:20
Speaker 3: was if I'm wrong about that, I apologize, but and
5:24
Speaker 3: played more peripheral roles within turning point. And then all
5:27
Speaker 3: of a sudden, she there's this unimaginable tragedy that was
5:32
Speaker 3: live on social media like thirty seconds after it happened
5:35
Speaker 3: for the world to see. And now everybody's looking at her.
5:40
Speaker 3: You know, if she cries, she's fake. If she laughs,
5:42
Speaker 3: she's fake. If she's strong, she's fake. She hugs another
5:44
Speaker 3: and she has another man, it's with it. It's yeah,
5:47
Speaker 3: she's having a you know, a rendezvous with somebody else.
5:50
Speaker 3: And at this point it is just ridiculous. I know
5:54
Speaker 3: that on the small stage, the small town stage, when
5:58
Speaker 3: my ex passed away, there were a million different rumors
6:02
Speaker 3: about who sold them the drugs, about if he was
6:05
Speaker 3: involved in this or that or this, if I had
6:08
Speaker 3: something to do with it, And it was gut wrenching,
6:12
Speaker 3: and out of all the trauma that I've been through,
6:14
Speaker 3: which is quite a lot, the only PTSD like flashback
6:19
Speaker 3: that I have, like true shot trauma flashback, is the
6:22
Speaker 3: moment I had to tell Gabby that her dad was dead,
6:25
Speaker 3: and the shock and the devastation and the confusion and
6:29
Speaker 3: just seeing her face like it's just like burned into
6:32
Speaker 3: my brain. And so I think it shows a little
6:36
Speaker 3: bit about our society how we just it's almost like
6:39
Speaker 3: we approach nothing with mercy, yeah, or empathy anymore or empathy.
6:43
Speaker 3: It's just about how can I profit off of this?
6:48
Speaker 3: And I saw a social media video the other day,
6:51
Speaker 3: I think it was on TikTok that just burned Me
6:53
Speaker 3: alive and it was basically just this girl and had
6:56
Speaker 3: like eight hundred thousand some likes. Okay, that's pretty big
7:01
Speaker 3: on TikTok, Right, it means if ten percent of people
7:03
Speaker 3: like the video, that tells you what the views are.
7:07
Speaker 3: And she's just like, you know, Erica just doesn't look
7:09
Speaker 3: sincere just seems like she must have had something to
7:12
Speaker 3: do with this. Literally saying that Erica must have had
7:15
Speaker 3: something to do with the death of her husband, with
7:19
Speaker 3: no absolutely no proof whatsoever, no justification, only studying her
7:26
Speaker 3: behavior and sort of pulling in some of these random
7:30
Speaker 3: conspiracy theories that have never been shown to have any
7:32
Speaker 3: evidence behind them. And so why are we judging someone
7:38
Speaker 3: who is navigating the most devastating emotions under the spotlight
7:45
Speaker 3: and then acting like we have some idea of what's
7:49
Speaker 3: going on. We don't know crap.
7:51
Speaker 2: Yeah, and grief is really complix.
7:52
Speaker 3: It is extremely complex. It's one of the only emotions
7:55
Speaker 3: that is lifelong. It's lifelong. Yeah, it doesn't just kind
8:01
Speaker 3: of like the moments and even other traumas you can
8:05
Speaker 3: sort of kind of process through those, depending upon the trauma.
8:08
Speaker 3: But we know that grief is an emotion that never
8:12
Speaker 3: goes away.
8:12
Speaker 1: Right, and it's an evolution. Like I can relate to
8:16
Speaker 1: this with the death of my mom. You know, she's
8:20
Speaker 1: going to be it'll be gosh, seven years eight years
8:25
Speaker 1: in January since, you know, and she died very suddenly,
8:30
Speaker 1: and I have some of those PTSD flashbacks, two very
8:33
Speaker 1: specific moments, but you know, the longer time goes on,
8:37
Speaker 1: my grief takes on different forms.
8:39
Speaker 3: Sure, and I learned to live around it in a way.
8:42
Speaker 2: It's not.
8:44
Speaker 3: For so long. It was like a big part of
8:46
Speaker 3: my identity, especially when I was in victimhood. And now
8:52
Speaker 3: it's more like, I don't know how to explain it.
8:56
Speaker 3: I still live with it, I still feel it. I
8:59
Speaker 3: still think about how my children cope with it every day.
9:05
Speaker 3: But I also there's this weird space where it doesn't
9:09
Speaker 3: feel like my place to be the voice, yeah grief
9:14
Speaker 3: stricken anymore, the voice of his death anymore. That doesn't
9:18
Speaker 3: feel like my place. So it's a weird space to navigate.
9:21
Speaker 2: Yeah.
9:22
Speaker 1: The guilt too, that comes with grief is always just
9:24
Speaker 1: this really difficult emotion to navigate.
9:29
Speaker 3: And yeah, there's a survivor's guilt. I should have I
9:32
Speaker 3: should have been able to know, I should have been
9:34
Speaker 3: able to do something.
9:35
Speaker 1: And what if I'd done this, which you know, would
9:37
Speaker 1: they still be here? And then that guilt takes on
9:41
Speaker 1: different forms, you know, as time goes on, because like
9:45
Speaker 1: sometimes I feel guilt if you know, months have passed
9:48
Speaker 1: and I haven't thought about my mom.
9:50
Speaker 3: Yeah you know, yeah, I went through that when I
9:53
Speaker 3: just don't really post on social media, like Jared's birthday
9:57
Speaker 3: or Christmas or you know things. And there's a part
10:01
Speaker 3: of me that feels sad because it's like, from his
10:03
Speaker 3: mom's point of view, she wants people to talk about him.
10:05
Speaker 3: She doesn't want his name to go away. She wants
10:08
Speaker 3: to feel like people remember him and he's not just
10:11
Speaker 3: lost in the dust. But it doesn't feel like my
10:13
Speaker 3: identity anymore, doesn't feel like my family or my life anymore,
10:17
Speaker 3: and so it feels I feel like a jerk either way.
10:19
Speaker 3: Like if I post, then it feels like I'm doing
10:21
Speaker 3: a disservice to Donald and too my family and to
10:23
Speaker 3: my identity now if I do. If I don't, then
10:26
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm being a jerk that just doesn't remember,
10:29
Speaker 3: like just sweeping him under the rug. I don't know
10:30
Speaker 3: how to explain it, but it's just a very good.
10:32
Speaker 1: Damn if you do, damned if you don't feeling, and
10:34
Speaker 1: you know, I can't imagine how Erica is feeling in
10:38
Speaker 1: every sense of that and everything that she does, because
10:41
Speaker 1: that's literally what she's going through right now. She's damned
10:44
Speaker 1: if she does. Damned if she.
10:45
Speaker 3: Does, absolutely, and they have something to say about her
10:48
Speaker 3: forgiving Tyler Robinson, who is the alleged murderer, and yet
10:54
Speaker 3: being angry at Candace Owens that Candace is speaking out,
10:58
Speaker 3: but you to talk, Candace is, yeah, I don't.
11:01
Speaker 1: I don't because I don't know what's going on. So like,
11:04
Speaker 1: fill me in and then fill in our listeners because
11:08
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on. I mean, I've listened
11:10
Speaker 1: to Candace Owen Owen's here and there, and I don't know.
11:12
Speaker 3: What's Yeah, you know, I feel like she tries to
11:16
Speaker 3: throw conspiracy theories out there to get used. It's very
11:21
Speaker 3: clickbaity in my personal opinion, and she will make a
11:27
Speaker 3: lot of big, bold statements from very small amounts of
11:32
Speaker 3: evidence that really might not be able to be interpreted
11:35
Speaker 3: in the way that she's interpreting it. And so I
11:39
Speaker 3: think her and Erica had an in person meeting the
11:42
Speaker 3: other day. I don't know a lot of what came
11:45
Speaker 3: out of that other than I think Candace really softened
11:48
Speaker 3: her claims, and Erica went on CBS, she went on
11:51
Speaker 3: Fox News and basically said, you people that are accusing
11:55
Speaker 3: Turning Point of having something to do with this, you
11:57
Speaker 3: need to stop.
11:58
Speaker 2: Erica did that.
11:59
Speaker 3: Erica did that, and Candice I just think she wants
12:04
Speaker 3: to remain really relevant. And I'm not saying she doesn't
12:09
Speaker 3: grieve Charlie's death. They were friends, but I'm not sure
12:13
Speaker 3: she has this like top secret government information that somehow
12:16
Speaker 3: she can get but nobody else in the world can get,
12:19
Speaker 3: and everybody, everybody wants to jump on board. Though when
12:23
Speaker 3: she speaks, it's like everybody just falls in line because
12:27
Speaker 3: it's sensational, and people like a sensation. Yeah, and it
12:32
Speaker 3: stimulates our nervous systems, and it gives us dopamine, and
12:36
Speaker 3: so it's yeah, wouldn't it be more exciting if it
12:39
Speaker 3: was this diabolical sort of plan and conspiracy? What about
12:47
Speaker 3: the person who is feeling the real pain behind all
12:49
Speaker 3: of this and then has to be dumped with the
12:52
Speaker 3: world thinking she could be a murderer on top of
12:55
Speaker 3: that because her eyes don't look right, or she's fake smiling,
12:59
Speaker 3: or because she's too angry, or somebody in the comments
13:03
Speaker 3: will Several people in the comment said something like, funny,
13:06
Speaker 3: how she could forgive the murderer, but she can't forgive Candace.
13:09
Speaker 3: She never said she didn't forgive Candace. She just told
13:11
Speaker 3: Candace to stop, right, And so I just want to
13:14
Speaker 3: speak to all the big creators out there. Stop. Stop.
13:19
Speaker 3: What you are doing is defamatory, it is slanderous, it
13:23
Speaker 3: is hurtful to her, It's hurtful to her children. This
13:26
Speaker 3: stuff will follow her children long after you think it will.
13:30
Speaker 3: You'll be off this train and moved on with your life,
13:33
Speaker 3: and those kids will still forever be grieving their father,
13:36
Speaker 3: and everything tainted and attached to this narrative will be
13:40
Speaker 3: there for them. And that is It's honestly sickening to
13:43
Speaker 3: me because, like I said, it happened in smalltown, USA
13:46
Speaker 3: for me, and my nervous system collapsed. I can't even
13:49
Speaker 3: imagine what her nervous system is like. It must be
13:52
Speaker 3: so fried, she must be being held up by sticks
13:54
Speaker 3: at this point. And it just absolutely infuriates me. We
14:00
Speaker 3: just are such a sensationalized society and we have to
14:05
Speaker 3: jump on every possibility without any evidence. It's hurtful.
14:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, and people just I mean, they get enthralled in
14:12
Speaker 1: it and then they go down the rabbit hole. And
14:15
Speaker 1: here's what I would ask, how does that help your
14:18
Speaker 1: nervous system? Like, how is that helping you? How is
14:21
Speaker 1: it helping you do any better in the world.
14:23
Speaker 3: It's not because your nervous system is getting activated from
14:27
Speaker 3: the idea that our government is so untrustworthy. Yeah, everybody
14:31
Speaker 3: knows our government is untrustworthy. I am not putting it
14:33
Speaker 3: behind them that they haven't done some extremely crazy crap.
14:37
Speaker 3: But not everything is that. Yeah, maybe it was just
14:45
Speaker 3: some crazy guy. And until we see the trial and
14:49
Speaker 3: we see the evidence, none of us know. But Erica knows,
14:52
Speaker 3: her attorneys know, and so we have no business putting
14:59
Speaker 3: her under this level of scrutiny. She can't do anything
15:04
Speaker 3: without someone saying something about how she's demonic, she's this,
15:07
Speaker 3: she's that she killed her husband, ridiculous. Just stop. There's
15:13
Speaker 3: a real person with real grief and real stress and
15:17
Speaker 3: being a mother to two real children and her family
15:20
Speaker 3: torn apart and losing the love of her life. There's
15:22
Speaker 3: a real person behind there, and I think we forget that. Yeah,
15:27
Speaker 3: we do on social media too. I mean, I know, people,
15:30
Speaker 3: I mean I have just a taste of it.
15:32
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, and I don't even know how you
15:34
Speaker 1: handle it. I've gotten better at it, I think since
15:37
Speaker 1: I've been on your team longer. But I know when
15:40
Speaker 1: I first started, and you know, I was really enthralled in,
15:44
Speaker 1: like helping you, you know.
15:47
Speaker 2: Manage messages and social media.
15:50
Speaker 1: You know, some of the comments would really get me going,
15:54
Speaker 1: you know, and Josh would kind of have to talk
15:56
Speaker 1: me off those ledges.
15:57
Speaker 3: And that's why I just don't even read them. Yeah,
16:00
Speaker 3: and you bring me the good.
16:01
Speaker 2: Ones, Yeah, the good ones are amazing.
16:03
Speaker 3: Yeah. And so because you can't, you can't because it
16:08
Speaker 3: would be just so dysregulating. And I'm to the point
16:11
Speaker 3: where like, I don't really care. Yeah, but I also
16:14
Speaker 3: don't choose to spend my life immersed in it either,
16:17
Speaker 3: because what good is it gonna do me to hear
16:20
Speaker 3: some stranger on the internet say I need a nose job,
16:22
Speaker 3: or that I'm a stupid bee, or that I don't
16:24
Speaker 3: know what I'm talking about, or to never take a
16:26
Speaker 3: relationship advice from a woman, fellas. I don't know how
16:28
Speaker 3: many times I've heard that one.
16:30
Speaker 1: I think what's most hurtful, and I think what is
16:32
Speaker 1: probably most hurtful to Erica and kind of what you
16:36
Speaker 1: went through is when it's somebody you know, like Candice
16:41
Speaker 1: is somebody she knows, yeah, and was Charlie's friend, and
16:44
Speaker 1: then she's going out there and saying all these big, huge,
16:48
Speaker 1: crazy stories, and that has to hurt even worse because obviously,
16:52
Speaker 1: like people strangers, you know, they're always gonna say hateful things.
16:57
Speaker 1: But I mean, just a couple of months ago, you
16:59
Speaker 1: kind of went through some thing like this, you personally
17:01
Speaker 1: with some you know, some people here at home, and
17:05
Speaker 1: it really hurt you, and I saw about it hurt me.
17:08
Speaker 3: It did really hurt me because there was a there
17:10
Speaker 3: was an incident several weeks ago where people who were
17:14
Speaker 3: in I think, did I talk about this?
17:15
Speaker 2: I can't even remember now.
17:16
Speaker 1: You haven't talked about it. I didn't want to bring
17:18
Speaker 1: it up unless you wanted to talk about it.
17:20
Speaker 3: But there were some people that were in my social circle,
17:23
Speaker 3: like acquaintances, not really good friends. But I certainly was
17:28
Speaker 3: closer to that group of people when my youngest was
17:32
Speaker 3: a baby and I just one girl. She's had like
17:38
Speaker 3: so many kids I can't even keep track of now,
17:40
Speaker 3: and that is a personal choice to have seven, eight, nine,
17:43
Speaker 3: ten kids. It's a personal choice. You're allowed to have
17:45
Speaker 3: as many kids as you want to have. But she
17:48
Speaker 3: like dropped a post and it looked like another pregnancy announcement,
17:53
Speaker 3: and I just basically said, like, hey, you know, congratulations, congratulations.
17:56
Speaker 3: If there's anything that you need or want to talk about,
18:00
Speaker 3: like big families, I'm here. You know, she's been through
18:03
Speaker 3: a lot, she's a lot of stuff's happened to her
18:06
Speaker 3: in the last couple of years. And she basically turned
18:09
Speaker 3: it around as I was saying, like, are you judging
18:11
Speaker 3: my big family? Like are you judging me for the
18:13
Speaker 3: amount of kids? I had? And she just went like off.
18:16
Speaker 3: And then this other girl chimed in and told me
18:20
Speaker 3: that I, you know, was I used to be mentally
18:23
Speaker 3: ill and I have no business like having the platform
18:26
Speaker 3: that I do and I'm nothing but a fake and
18:28
Speaker 3: blah blah blah. And I'm like, it's clear you have
18:30
Speaker 3: listened to my platform because I talk about how mentally
18:33
Speaker 3: ill I was as well as having massive attached.
18:36
Speaker 2: People got ill.
18:37
Speaker 3: I mean, what are you kidding me? Like, I'm very
18:40
Speaker 3: clear about everything that I've been through in the recovery
18:44
Speaker 3: process from my attachment trauma. Makes you yeah, I've I've
18:49
Speaker 3: never lied about it, never once.
18:51
Speaker 2: You've been fully transparent of how I can attest to.
18:54
Speaker 3: That absolutely and that that is part of my story
18:58
Speaker 3: and God transfer formed me and equipped me to rise
19:02
Speaker 3: above my circumstances and to get rid of victimization and
19:05
Speaker 3: to heal my nervous system, and God intervened in all
19:07
Speaker 3: these beautiful ways. But to hear someone say you're a
19:10
Speaker 3: fraud because you were mentally ill in the past, Like,
19:14
Speaker 3: what gives you any she's a therapist. Yeah, she's a therapist.
19:18
Speaker 1: What Yeah, Like, how can you have that mentality and
19:22
Speaker 1: be a therapist? Like tons of people come out of
19:25
Speaker 1: mental illness. Yeah, I've probably seen it as a therapist.
19:28
Speaker 3: And I fully trace my mental illness to not any
19:33
Speaker 3: kind of organic process, but just a lot of trauma. Yeah,
19:37
Speaker 3: and healing my attachment trauma and doing the somatic healing
19:40
Speaker 3: work that I've done and the mindset work that I've done,
19:43
Speaker 3: it has shifted my nervous system a lot. And so
19:45
Speaker 3: it felt really bad for someone who didn't know me
19:49
Speaker 3: really well in the last eight years to all of
19:52
Speaker 3: a sudden have these big, bold statements of who I was,
19:56
Speaker 3: and then to come in just like and and that
19:58
Speaker 3: wasn't even in that's like not even public. This is
20:00
Speaker 3: on like my personal social media. I can't imagine this, Yeah,
20:05
Speaker 3: I can't imagine Erica's nervous system on this grandiose stage.
20:09
Speaker 3: I just I don't. I just my heart breaks for her.
20:13
Speaker 3: And so I just want to send a message out
20:15
Speaker 3: there to all of you guys who fail to see
20:18
Speaker 3: the humans behind the cameras, celebrities or humans. I work
20:22
Speaker 3: with celebrities. I hear their life stories and their relationship stories,
20:28
Speaker 3: and they are deeply hurting too, and they are humans,
20:32
Speaker 3: and it hurts even worse to have the media be
20:36
Speaker 3: able to put whatever spin on it they want that
20:38
Speaker 3: could be so far from the truth. And so do
20:41
Speaker 3: I think that, you know, I want everybody to just
20:46
Speaker 3: really check their hearts and what kind of pain could
20:52
Speaker 3: you be contributing to, even in the comment sections of posts.
20:56
Speaker 3: What is your responsibility for not adding fuel to the
21:00
Speaker 3: fire of someone else's pain or heartbreak. It's not your business,
21:04
Speaker 3: it is not your role. It is not loving. And
21:08
Speaker 3: so if you've been a part of that accidentally, maybe
21:11
Speaker 3: you didn't think about it very much. Maybe it doesn't
21:13
Speaker 3: feel very real to you to just be a talking
21:15
Speaker 3: head in the comment section. But I promise you us creators,
21:21
Speaker 3: we see our comments sometimes. I mean I purposefully try
21:23
Speaker 3: to not like deep dive them. I mean I skim them, right,
21:27
Speaker 3: I purposely don't like if I see negative ones, I
21:30
Speaker 3: try to just scroll past and not really read or
21:32
Speaker 3: not think about it. But somebody might be seeing something
21:36
Speaker 3: that you wrote and it's affecting their nervous system all
21:39
Speaker 3: day or for a couple of days, because they don't
21:42
Speaker 3: have the inner resilience to realize that their worth doesn't
21:46
Speaker 3: come from a stranger. And that's their work to do.
21:50
Speaker 3: But at the end of the day, too, we don't
21:52
Speaker 3: need to be contributing hate and meanness and judgment and
21:56
Speaker 3: all of those things, especially when we have no idea
21:58
Speaker 3: what's going on.
22:00
Speaker 2: Rippling effect to that.
22:02
Speaker 1: I think you know that when you contribute to the
22:06
Speaker 1: chaos and the hate, it just allows other people to
22:11
Speaker 1: do the same.
22:11
Speaker 3: Yes, absolutely, I mean it's social proof mission. There's a
22:15
Speaker 3: principle in psychology called social proof, which is we look
22:17
Speaker 3: to others to figure out how to act in any
22:19
Speaker 3: given situation. And so when one person jumps in, then
22:22
Speaker 3: another person jumps in, and then it makes us all
22:24
Speaker 3: feel okay to somehow jump in. And it's sort of,
22:29
Speaker 3: you know, a diffusion effect of diffusion of responsibility that
22:32
Speaker 3: we now that there's so many of us, you can't
22:35
Speaker 3: possibly pick me out of the crowd and say that
22:37
Speaker 3: I'm guilty. Well, yeah, you're so guilty, you're part of
22:40
Speaker 3: the mob.
22:40
Speaker 2: But what if you pivot and do it from love instead?
22:44
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I mean, it's that energy out into
22:47
Speaker 3: the world. Yes, it's a different vibration.
22:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, and it and it just like hate, it
22:52
Speaker 1: has the same rippling effect. And I think, like, I
22:54
Speaker 1: think that's what's so frustrating about social media is people
22:57
Speaker 1: want to complain a lot about the state of the
23:00
Speaker 1: world and like there's too much hate and there's too
23:02
Speaker 1: much division, but there so many are contributing to it.
23:07
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like, what are you doing, yeah, to contribute
23:10
Speaker 3: to the greater good, to stop the hateful rhetoric? What
23:14
Speaker 3: are you doing? Probably nothing.
23:17
Speaker 2: Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
23:21
Speaker 3: So I don't have a whole lot more to say
23:24
Speaker 3: other than my prayers are with Erica and her children.
23:28
Speaker 2: Yeah, and yeah with Candace, I mean, yeah, I.
23:32
Speaker 3: Mean, I pray for her heart. I think her heart's
23:34
Speaker 3: taken a I think maybe she's convinced herself that she's
23:39
Speaker 3: doing something morally righteous, but at the end of the day,
23:42
Speaker 3: talking about things that you don't have solid proof about
23:44
Speaker 3: that affects somebody else's real life on a massive level
23:48
Speaker 3: is anything but.
23:49
Speaker 1: Loving, agreed, and I think that that translates to so
23:55
Speaker 1: many things, even your own relationships. I mean, we can
23:59
Speaker 1: tie this back to to relationships because I think this
24:03
Speaker 1: happens a lot in marriages and friendships. You know, it's
24:07
Speaker 1: so easy to sort of be caddy or something happens
24:13
Speaker 1: and you want to run to you know, somebody else
24:16
Speaker 1: and talk about that person. Yeah, and this is a
24:18
Speaker 1: huge mistake that people make in their marriages. Yeah, where
24:22
Speaker 1: you know, you fight with your spouse, then you go
24:25
Speaker 1: bitch to your sister about it, and then your sister
24:27
Speaker 1: hates your spouse.
24:27
Speaker 3: You know, we don't do that. We don't do that,
24:30
Speaker 3: and you know it's it's a betrayal. It's what's called triangulation.
24:36
Speaker 3: Is bringing a third party into any intimate relationship, whether
24:40
Speaker 3: that's through conversation or through an actual, you know, romantic
24:43
Speaker 3: affair or something like that, unless it's a neutral third party, coach, therapist,
24:51
Speaker 3: anybody else that has no skin in the game, no
24:54
Speaker 3: sides to take. Don't talk about your relationship. And people say, well,
24:57
Speaker 3: you need to vent, you need to be able to know,
24:59
Speaker 3: actually you don't. Venting is really bad for the brain.
25:02
Speaker 3: Complaining is a character of law. Either do the work
25:06
Speaker 3: to decide to fix it, go get some help, go
25:08
Speaker 3: get the resources out there, or stop.
25:11
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, and I think too.
25:14
Speaker 1: It's so interesting that you said venting doesn't help the brain.
25:19
Speaker 3: It doesn't, and it reinforces negativity, It reinforces cortisol, it
25:23
Speaker 3: reinforces adrenaline, all of the stress response. You're magnifying it.
25:27
Speaker 3: Your thoughts speak to your nervous system, What you speak
25:29
Speaker 3: out of your mouth speaks to your nervous system. So
25:31
Speaker 3: you're just bitching and venting all the time. There's plenty
25:34
Speaker 3: of signs out there that were actually showing it makes
25:37
Speaker 3: people worse, and so I think it was Joe Rogan
25:40
Speaker 3: had an expert on his podcast where they were saying
25:43
Speaker 3: that a lot of times therapy makes people worse because
25:45
Speaker 3: it just becomes a space where they just vent and
25:47
Speaker 3: complain and they don't actually get any real tools to
25:51
Speaker 3: move forward and to come into a different mindset and
25:54
Speaker 3: create new grooves in the brain with gratitude and positivity
25:58
Speaker 3: and hopefulness and all the things we've talked about on
26:01
Speaker 3: this podcast that actually lead the nervous system to be
26:04
Speaker 3: regulated and for you to experience joy.
26:06
Speaker 2: Yep, and that's the ultimate goal.
26:08
Speaker 1: That's what we want for each and every one of
26:09
Speaker 1: you is love, joy, happiness, especially this time of year.
26:16
Speaker 1: And guys, I know this was a short episode. Hopefully
26:18
Speaker 1: you guys still enjoyed it. Still continue to tune in.
26:21
Speaker 1: We're going to keep talking about the science and all
26:24
Speaker 1: the good things. Please leave us a review, send us
26:28
Speaker 1: an email. I love getting the emails. Guys. If you've
26:31
Speaker 1: made it this far, please we love you guys, the
26:35
Speaker 1: ones who listen till the end.
26:37
Speaker 2: You are the real VIPs.
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Speaker 1: thank you guys again. Please continue to tune in, go
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Speaker 1: see doctor Hensley at the lovedog dot com and until
28:08
Speaker 1: next time, peace, love and perspective.