Latest / Alive & Kicking: Stories of Waking Up with Kay Eck / Jade Orth -- Adaptability, Loss & Self-Discovery

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Jade Orth -- Adaptability, Loss & Self-Discovery · Alive & Kicking: Stories of Waking Up with Kay Eck

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I have had to let myself uh through certain junctures go all the way into the dark, like all the way into the depths of not hope, like the opposite, right?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: To feel it because I trust myself to get out.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: I trust myself that if I allow it to go all the way through, it's actually making it out the other side.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Alive and Kicking Podcast.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Kay Eck, and my guest today is Jade Orth.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: How are you, Jade?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing so good.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for having me.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm so happy to be here.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited for this conversation because I just think you're like such a special individual, and your heart is so shiny, and your intentions are so big and pure.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, just I just love it.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I just love you.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: So you and I um met sort of in the ethers, I would say, um, several years ago.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it's been really interesting to follow your journey as a young mother and a spiritual leader of sorts.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm really looking forward to diving into this conversation.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, absolutely.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I love how you said that met in the ethers, because when I we did interface for the first time in this life, I was like, I feel like I know you.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if you remember we had that conversation out back on the patio, and I just I felt such a deep connection, and we're like, let's continue this.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I feel like you're my definitely my little sister, and we we we like dressed the part today.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: We're matching.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: So for those listening instead of viewing, we're matching.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So um, so yeah, let's let's get started.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I was talking to a friend yesterday, and we were talking about, you know, this the journey of being a human, and it's like a baby coming into this dimension from heaven, in you're just starting with trauma, right?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're just starting with a shocking trauma.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're being separated from from God, you're entering a heavy place for the purposes that you may not remember.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so I feel like we could talk about childhood trauma all day long because we we all experience some aspect of that.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm I'm curious as to how your childhood in general felt to you.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did you have a sense of um of it being a difficult experience?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, like because in childhood there's always this play of levity and lightness and joy and presence, and then also like the sense that something's amiss, you know.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: So what was your what was your like relationship between the amiss and the joy?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I love that you're bringing that up because oftentimes when I reflect not only about my childhood, but my entire life, and I'm sure many people can um resonate with this, but it was like living in these two extremes, right?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Where um, you know, in some aspects of my life, like I remember just being so connected to spirit, like, you know, from zero to seven, it was like I didn't have that disconnect really.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so that was magical.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, and and I love to play in that realm of fairies and angels and magical.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then on the other aspect, there was a lot of really heavy stuff going on in my life.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember um, you know, feeling terror wasn't like a a it was sometimes like an everyday occurrence.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: So it was like learning to stretch myself and be really present into what was needed, and um, you know, I I will always look at my childhood with fondness in the sense that my mom really did nurture creativity.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: We were always crafting something, she's reading a story.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and in that space of my life, she was like an angel for me, you know.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: And then um, I had this other aspect of my life that felt um really hard and dark.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: And um, and I think I just became so adaptable, like even with my um, you know, intuitive abilities were honed at a very early age.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I did struggle a little as far as kind of being a weird, a weird little girl and um having different, even kind of neurotic type things.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so I really got to experience a lot, like even um I really understood like the foster care world because, and that's what I do now.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I had foster siblings, I saw kind of that possible like joy of helping someone in need, but then also some of the stuff that comes along with it.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: And um, so for me, it was just really being able to create in the world of form as we do, right?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we are spirit and matter, and and that's kind of where my life was always taking themes.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: That you know, that that adaptability that children develop as a result of their circumstances, which it, you know, you're a spirit learning how to be an embodied.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: There, there it's a huge adjustment, you know.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and even when you don't have the consciousness of that exact journey, it still exists, it's still present in your life.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So that adaptability can, it's like a double-edged sword.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It can be very good, it helps you survive, it helps you cope with your circumstances, and it's a skill that comes in handy, you know, because life be like that.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So um, but also there's a downside to it.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm wondering if you can kind of talk about how that manifests in your life, the the downside and the and the positive side.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: And you like nailed it, and um, you know, a lot of the reflection I've done is there is I'm really grateful for.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: I have been able to be put in so many different situations in my life, whether it's professional or friendships or whatever it may be, and adapt quickly.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you know, pivot when life will like give you something, like you're already two steps ahead figuring something out, which can be a great skill.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: And part of my journey was learning, well, who actually am I?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: What do I want?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because being able to be so much of a chameleon um gets exhausting and it gets confusing.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And the first part of my, you know, my teen years, my early 20s, it was almost like I lost my center because I was so adaptable.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: And you kind of overgive and you show up with how you think you need to be.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And oftentimes you see that validated and rewarded.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: So then you keep going.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: And you just, you know, for me personally, I felt so fragmented.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because at the end of the day, you get home and you are just like having to show up as four different people or or feel like you are, and really be like, what is it that I want?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what am I even doing?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so I spent the last like eight years or so of my life really getting clear on like, oh, um, I know that this is what they want from me, or this is how I probably should show up, but I'm really gonna show up with what's true for me.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: And that was like such a big growing edge.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: And it took me years, and I'm finally feeling now, and I know I'm gonna have more to go, you know, the whole lifetime work, but being able to really show up as Jade and be okay with that.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, be okay with maybe not saying the thing that was wanted or you know, being the person at work that somebody expected you to be, you know.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it it really is the journey of the child to um to learn.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, of course, a child is going to observe and respond.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's that's how you learn in the world.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: So we all kind of you know develop these capacities to morph and become what is expected of us.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And casting that off is such a grown-up thing to do, and a lot of people never really go there because it is kind of uncomfortable to to be yourself, to be seen like as the crazy little person that you are.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um so and I also want to kind of explore how you know, as a child, you're going through this massive journey.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, your parents are going through a massive journey as well.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And to watch the two journeys collide and collaborate, it's it's really it's an it's a big show.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's a big, it's a big thing.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, did you have a sense of understanding, or I should say, when did you have an understanding that your parents were people?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's a great question.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think probably around like eight, I was really able to see, and and I've even noticed that it seems to be a similar age, because even all three of my children, you know, it's like where they kind of gain that independence and they detach a little and start to be like, what?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: So um, I mean, at different layers, right?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you said, it's such a journey of unfolding, and I've gone through so many twists and turns through that.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I think that that just talks to the parts of us, right?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because we can understand, oh, they're human and this is their first time living in this life too, and this role.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I didn't have that understanding until later.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: But um, yeah, it's kind of like such a tricky thing because even something that my father went through when I was like 12 to 14, I remember just really understanding the gravity of like this human is struggling, you know, and um and wanting everyone, whether it's your parents or someone else that's in a struggle, right, to feel supported and connected and like whatever it is.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then you go through your teens, and I felt rebellious and you know, and I didn't want to hear or see any of that, right?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and even as a parent, I now go through that all the time.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: I re-evaluate and I roll through cycles of compassion and then also questioning.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's just a part of the process.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: And in my opinion, as long as I can keep flowing with that and kind of witnessing what I need in that moment, is this my inner child that is feeling upset?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Is this the person within me that sometimes gives extra excuses for everybody else and is really hard on myself?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so it's just about staying curious and knowing that we're all human and how how amazing is it that we all get to kind of flop around this life together.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's like it's it's so unfair that a child from heaven would be saddled with imperfect parents, you know, like you really want it to be a perfect situation, but it never is.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that that that journey of watching your parents um become who they are and your understanding of that.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then at the same time, you're you're doing the same thing with your children, like they're and they're viewing you in in these ways.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's a complicated soup, and it's hot that's hot a lot, yeah, spicy.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: It really is.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I love that you're bringing that up, and you know, maybe that's a a conversation for a different day, but I love that you're bringing up this like heaven aspect or this perfection, right?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because sometimes I wonder that like I don't believe that there's any perfect parents, right?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Especially, I mean, we can see that with, you know, even having groups of children with the same parents, and some people believe they had an amazing childhood, the other person doesn't.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: I really don't believe there's such a thing as perfection.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that's part of what feels so hard here, right?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: Is because we have this inner knowing of unconditional love, of perfection, support, safety.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that the more I've been able to come at peace in this life is noting that um you can know something's there, but that longing for it, even though it's not here, um, is a lot of times what creates like some of my biggest suffering.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: So knowing that like it's there, and yeah, I can miss it sometimes, but like this is the mission now.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: And that's just kind of sometimes how I try to see it.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: That that reminds me, I have this friend who uh was one of uh five or six children, and his father became sober between the kids.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: So the older kids experienced a completely different father than the younger kids did.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it, you know, it creates a lot of tension between the siblings because they can't relate to the to the person of father, you know, that that they had.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: So it's just it's just complicated.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's so cool.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I let's segue into your role as a mother and becoming a mother.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe you became a mother at a pretty young age.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: So tell us a little bit about that.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I love what you were saying, is because my children had the same kind of same experience.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like I um became pregnant at 18.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: I had my first son at 19.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so, you know, I have a almost 19-year-old in December, uh, an 11-year-old and an eight-year-old.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so my younger two experienced a very different reality than my oldest son.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that's always up.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's always very um, just very relevant.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, my journey into motherhood was uh pretty early on.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: It was pretty um, it was one of my biggest or first biggest like conscious experience of re-evaluating, like who, you know, who am I?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: What do I want to do with my life?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like anchoring back to myself because I knew that um I may not have been shown it or had a roadmap of like what I believe a parent-child relationship should look like, but I wanted it.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted it so bad, and that was all that was on my mind, even at that age.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, like I remember even, you know, 18, 19, being pregnant, reading what to expect when you're expecting, like every single night, and wanting to do everything right.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: And already in that, I think not being able to trust myself, which led to a lot of things as a mother, right?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: I think we're told so many things no matter what age we are.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and we want to do it right because we love this being so much.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so you know, we had quite the journey, um, him and I, and uh we've grown a lot, and you know, I you know, we talk almost every day now.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: He's in North Carolina, he's coming back this weekend, and um it's like wow, our souls were really up to something.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: Our souls were really wanting to play with alchemy and healing and like all sorts of things.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so it's really cool to see that aspect.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then obviously my two younger sons, um, I was married to my husband, who we're still married now, um, really healthy, stable relationship, but such a different experience.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes I, you know, I I uh you kind of feel bad, right?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: You you feel bad for what you didn't have or what you didn't know.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I've had to forgive myself.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: I've had to be on this journey of I really do believe and want to believe that he chose me, knewing exactly who I wasn't, who I was, where I was, and who I could one day be.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and even for these younger kids, even though I was married, I was had a job, like you're still winging it.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: Every kid is different.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I think as mothers, it's like coming to that aspect of not just blowing it over, like, oh, well, I'm trying my best.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I am trying my best, and that has that is enough.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, even if it doesn't feel like it, even if one day I'm gonna have to repair something, it's what I can do right now.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: And if I come with like this earnest, humble heart to the table, um then that's that's where that's where I gotta be.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, at least at 18 you had an excuse for for the mistakes you made, you know, like just being a child yourself, practically.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: So it's funny that he's the age now that you were when you had him.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is the whole thing.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we yep.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: That you can explore together.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like, see, see, see what I was up against.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, but I've always appreciated about you that you you have this incredible thread of wisdom, like that feels beyond your age.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, you also have like this joyful levity, you know, that but I I I it's astounding to me that 18 you are consciously considering your impact on this child.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: What at 18, you know, you haven't even really experienced an adult life as yourself.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're you know, it'd be very easy to see the the whole thing as a burden and not really care about the relationship.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's just just a testament to who you are and how you came in.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: So who is the who was the mother that your younger children got that your older son didn't?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so um, you know, I was very empathic growing up, and like we talked about having to shift and pivot.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: And and at that point in my life, I um part of my role was to buffer big anger and big sadness and a lot of big emotions.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I didn't really know how to process those, but I tried my best to buffer them for those who were experiencing it.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: So my um oldest son got the mother that um tried to fix everything and and really wasn't comfortable with those big emotions, and he came in with a lot of really big emotions.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so I had to do a lot of work to know that hey, like being angry is not the problem.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's a result of it when we don't process it correctly or know how to handle it.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, you we can be sad and bring grief, and it doesn't have to derail our life.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so I was working on my own emotional intelligence and understanding boundaries and um, you know, just because I I love this child with everything, like I have to put boundaries up.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like there has to be things like that.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: So um, and I will say that my husband now he came into my um oldest son's life when he was three.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: So he really got to be in those the clay and the healing and the learning of what healthy relationships look like and um what safety can feel like in love.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so by the time we had our children, I was in such a more place of safety, like up until you know 23, 24, I had never really known safety.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know it was a thing that people felt.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: So um I uh I got to, you know, and I remember trying, like we were like, this is our plan.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: We got married, and and um, so they got to have a a mother that was um felt ready, as ready as any mother can feel, right?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: For the journey.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: And they got a mother that was um more, yeah, just probably more in her own like inner resolve and um comfortability.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: And obviously that continued to grow as they did.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: But um, even the two-year gap between my middle and youngest, I felt like a very different.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was on a very accelerated healing journey after my third was born.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: So by even the age of two, he had a completely different version than who my, you know, at that time, two-year-old had.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, what was your earliest understanding that your life was a spiritual journey?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was I really early, and it sounds kind of wild to say, and I understand that it sounds like I actually don't even know if I've ever said this out loud.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um I remember feeling extremely connected to spirit.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like I didn't have like the forgetting, like I could see and I could hear, and I could, I was very connected.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: And even when certain things were happening in my life, like my disassociation was an angel that would come and fly me around the neighborhood, and it was all the time the same angel.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I remember feeling like five or six that I was here to lead like a spiritual life that and I didn't have any religion in my life, so it wasn't like taught, it was something that I knew, and um I remember even having.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Memories of like other lives.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking to my mom, and my mom's like, How do you know about this?
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I wasn't even in school yet.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: So um, I kind of always knew, like I had a knowing, and that I can't explain that even when I track it back, it feels much more wise, like it was my higher self, probably.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um constantly kind of reminding me like you're here on purpose with purpose, like you know, also a blessing and a burden, yeah.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: For us for a young person.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't, like I said, it's being in that realm, like especially with what was going on in my life, it wasn't all positive spirituality.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: There was like the whole other side that I was interfacing with, also.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so you know, yeah, I kind of knew like it, it's not even that I knew I was supposed to have a spiritual life, I thought this is just how it is.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I I'm here on purpose for a purpose, so I I gotta keep going.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's no quitting that, you know, when your assignment comes from somewhere.
• 23:04
  unknown: Yeah.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that's that's really incredible.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: I is was there any point in your life where you intentionally tried to abandon the spiritual path?
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yeah, it was about 12 or 13.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it's funny because around 11 or so I started intuitively doing this meditation every night.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it was like breath work mixed with visualization.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know where I got it from.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: It just kind of came to me.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, I'm in like junior high or maybe sixth grade, and every night I'm um breathing in this like beautiful white light, and I'm breathing out all of this like kind of like smoke or energy.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: I do the visualization, I do the breath work every single night.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I started to open up spiritually again so much where I was like, no, you know, I can't do this.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so I kind of shut everything down pretty hardcore around 12 or 13.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't until I tragically lost my best friend at 18, right before I got pregnant, um, where everything kind of burst open.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it was almost like I couldn't hold it uh away, like push it away anymore.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: What was the reaction of those around you, those important to you to this to this spiritual nature?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Did they struggle with that or do they just accept it?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, we it's something that we didn't really talk about a lot.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would have these big questions, and um, my go-to person to say this thing was kind of um more like aloof.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um like, oh ha.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like I remember my first panic attack, I was six, and I was trying to grasp the concept of eternity.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember just expanding so far out and and really, but when I knew I wasn't being met with these concepts, these things that I was experiencing, um, I just came to be a really internal world.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't that I wasn't believed or this or that.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: There just like wasn't the depth to like interface with it.
• 25:06
  unknown: Yeah.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: So I just kind of uh kept it all in.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember even like little bits trying to like test out a friend, like if I can say this, you know.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: I do that now.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, I do that now too.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: Can I talk about this?
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but yeah, so that was that.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: So do you want to share a little bit about your friend and what that kind of meant in your life?
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: So him in particular, and I wasn't, I wasn't uh at that point.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: I still had had experiences with loss.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like even one of my friends when I was like six or seven, probably seven or eight, actually, a little bit older, um, kind of past had a tragic situation.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: But this one, um, I call him almost one of my soul's mates.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, he was like a best friend, such kind of a boyfriend, but it wasn't, it was just the most the reason why it's hard to explain because it wasn't anything I'd ever experienced, even um there's not a name other than soul's mate, right?
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: We came in uh to really teach each other stuff and spent every day together.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: And he was one of the ones that I could talk about these big concepts, and he was very much in that realm, and we played music together, and life was just really expansive and really good.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I will say that he's one of actually the other ones I want to stand corrected.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: I knew like safety when it came to him and I.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you know, he had an accident.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: We had they actually had four friends, um, and two of them passed in the car accident.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: But I remember um my whole world felt like it shattered.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I got the call, like I rem like the scream that came out of my mouth still, if I think about it, like makes me, you know.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I remember my entire reality shattering and I didn't know how to go on.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like I didn't even remember in those few moments how to breathe.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's how like shaking it was to me.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then my entire life quickly turned a quick trajectory.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I started doing things that I hadn't done.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like I dropped out of school.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: I like I said, I got pregnant very shortly after.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: I have some ideas as far as if we were to talk about a soul thing of like what kept me tethered.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said, I put all of my focus onto, you know, the baby I was pregnant with instead of dealing with all the other stuff.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: So um, that really kind of shook me up.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then, like I said, it opened back up because when he had passed, I was laying in bed and I felt like breath in my ear and say, Hey.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then I was kind of because I was in that space of being really untethered, ungrounded.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: So it actually felt scary.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then we just developed a relationship when he was on the other side, as far as like a guide or friend or whatever you want to call it.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that was really powerful for me.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_01: But it was a couple years later into my grief that I was able to do that because my grief was like so strong, you know.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes I even feel bad about that because when I was pregnant with writer, even though I was focused on everything with him, I still was grieving like a lot.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like it feels like writer was a little bit of a lifesaver, you know, that 100%.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I mean, what what a gift.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: And also poor writer, like yeah.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: I was like you took on a big B.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: And he feels a connection um to him as well, just because Ryder also um never really shut anything down.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, he's one of my kids that never really um, so he was interfacing like as an early as a child, also.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I one of my lightning round questions for you was going to be about supernatural experiences.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: I had a conversation recently with a group of people.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: We were talking about supernatural experiences, and and these people were um, you know, individuals that they're not really aware of this the phenomenon, but they had all experienced something that and we and you know that they were kind of astounded that everybody actually did have those experiences.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, do you think that most of us are connected, but we're not really you know, like you said, it it can be scary.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: We we're unfamiliar with it.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, sometimes it feels really good and sometimes it it doesn't.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: Do you do you think that's people everybody's experience?
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, I believe that everybody um is connected at all times, and for various reasons, we you know, we pull away, we shift things like that.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: But um, I kind of talk about like we're never not connected.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like even when you were talking about that, you know, we come in being human and we're separated from source, God, whatever you want to say, or mother.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, even though I believe that's the feeling, right?
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's such a visceral feeling of being disconnected.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_01: I actually don't think it's possible.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_01: I think we're all connected all the time.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_01: And there's so many things that in our reality, whether it's through nature, whether it's the way that our body works together, like ecosystems work together.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's constantly reminding us that we're never not connected.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I believe that for whatever reason, there's, and I believe there are fields, right?
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's so many layers.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why I think it can feel so confusing, because somebody can have an experience, like a supernatural experience, and you, it's like, well, what conversation do you want to have?
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to talk about, you know, a purely spiritual one?
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to talk about the emotional component?
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like there's it's even hard to explain as far as like when people are like, oh, I'm seeing auras or something.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, there can be science that says like you're tapping into a certain magnetic field or a, you know what I'm saying?
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I really believe that we're all connected at all the time.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's some people are probably going to be more naturally able to, you know, touch in and translate those, and other people aren't.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_01: And and I think that it's it's funny because sometimes people come to me and be like, well, your intuition, you're and I'm thinking, like, you have it too.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I really like to show people how to kind of connect back to their own.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because just because it may not look like mine, it's not that you don't have it, you know, it's just you have to find the way that you are going to be reading the field.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_01: Is that the emotional field, like your inner knowing?
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so, anyways, I don't even know if that answered your question, but I think we're all connected at all the time.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: And you you kind of have to be willing to open yourself up to those experiences and open yourself up to your own intuition, right?
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you ignore it, you won't notice the the promptings that you're receiving, you know.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um so how does your how did your professional life evolve?
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I know you're you're a beautiful musician and uh you you have so much creativity, you've got so much going on.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like there's this very human um road that you're taking, you know, with the foster care, and then also this spiritual leadership.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: And how did those evolve?
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: How let me ask that first.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: How did those evolve in you?
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you're talking about it because I I often joke that that's like the design, right?
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: I talked about early feeling between two worlds, and that's often how I feel, like where I have this like wildly, you know, and I know a lot of us people do, but like wildly human like job and and this and like taking care of kids and going to baseball practice and like being, you know what I mean?
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then also this other side, but um, it kind of evolved in a really intricate way.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like I started out as just an MA, like in a doctor's office, and continue to work my way up and help with procedures.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I had a doctor that took me under his wing and trained me.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then I started being like running surgery centers and being in charge of, you know, 12 surgeons and helping create this concierge model of surgery that was new, um, kind of new at the time.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: And um, and so there was a part of me that like everywhere I'll go, I'll kind of like, you know what I mean, take it all on, like take it all in.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, even when I you you mentioned guitar, when I was younger, I remember I had like six months where that's all I did every day after school.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I kind of will go into these modes of deeply trying to learn something.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so in the medical field, you know, I was really good at what I did.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_01: And there was almost this part of me that I had to shut off.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_01: And even though I showed up in it, and man, I would do some things, like I would work so hard on to get like a med approved or something, because most people, oh, your insurance says you can't.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_01: But there are ways to like, you know, there are ways there are it takes work and digging.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's where I kind of was really able to connect with people, but I would have to also like almost dim down my heart because you see these people that are often just a number to a lot of practices and they're deeply struggling.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_01: And because you know, physicians see so many all the time, you just it's tough, right?
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: You wish you could really validate and see everyone, and that's just not how it's set up most of the time.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: And then when I had my own medical stuff, I was like, I'm done with the medical field, like it's a scam, like you know, I did my whole thing like that and pivoted to more holistic health.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_01: I went to Southwest Institute of Healing Arts.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_01: I um really started diving into that realm.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then um, you know, I worked with a movement, like a spiritual movement, and I kind of have been piecing together everything I've learned.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then now I'm here in this uh world of child welfare and foster care.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_01: And um it's one of those things I feel at the precipice of getting in with all the gusto, right?
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like every time I get into something, I want to give it my all, and I do.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes I feel, and what I'm still working on, so this is very fresh, is that oh it doesn't always feel like enough because there's this space you meet yourself in, right?
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_01: Where you deeply want things to be different, you want to serve, and you believe that you're gonna bring all of your enthusiasm and experience in.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then you there's so much red tape in any kind of system.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_01: I think whether it's the medical field, the education, like so many people are servers, like they get into this because they want to help.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then I think we can get so bogged down because of all the red tape and all the things that do I have to like go against everything I stand for because this person, this law, this thing.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so I kind of waft between delusion of like I'm gonna change everything in the system, or how do I create outside the system?
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_01: And um, yeah, and then I think that's why so many people with good intentions, if you're not constantly checking in with yourself, you meet the people that they seem like they don't care.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_01: They seem like it's just another file because sometimes I look back at compassion, right?
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_01: Where I'm saying they probably had to do this in order because their heart's breaking every day.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you're in this field for 10 years and it's it's hard, you know?
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, it's that's a tough, tough battle for sure.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I I love what you're kind of hinting at is like the energy and effort and frustration that you encounter when trying to change a system that's in been in place.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's you know, that it's almost easier to step out of the system and create something that exists completely out of the system.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like that's really where we are as a as a global human culture, is we can really see what's not working now.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: Before we were, maybe it was working a little bit better, uh, but for some reason now it's there's so many things that aren't working.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: And um, do you feel like you must in when they're when it comes to children, you don't want this to be the truth, you know, but but there it is, there's children in the system.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah, any reflection on where we're headed, especially in the fields that you have exposure to?
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_01: I love what you're saying because I think that there can be change within a system, and it's very hard one, like it's very hard fought.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I think what you're doing is you're helping me get excited about the possibility of um creating outside the system.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_01: I think where we're going is we have all these systems in place, and kind of what you said is maybe in the past it was like kind of working, but I think so many of us for whatever reason are we can no longer like pretend that we don't see, that we don't, we now that we see it certain things, it's like you can't go backwards, right?
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: And um, and so for example, like you said, there unfortunately are children in the foster care system.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_01: And at first it was like, how do I help?
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then you keep going backwards.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, well, how do you create change that makes them not even enter the system?
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: And what do families need?
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_01: And intergenerational trauma.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then you keep going back, and it sometimes can feel so, so big, right?
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_01: But like, even for example, I have this model that I've created where I'm like, you know, what if there were little retreat centers where there was like an aide that lived with the bioparents and the children and overseed and really taught them in real time because how many of us, you know, you take a class, you do something, but they're fighting like most of these bioparents are fighting generations and generations of oppression, trauma, whatever you want to say it.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, in real time, how do you guide them through this child melting down and all of their old coping skills aren't the thing?
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_01: So they may have learned it in a class, but you have somebody there that's actually guiding them because part of the problem is they get removed and then they, you know, then they get put back, they get removed again.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like, where how do we bridge the gap?
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so, like, I have my coworker jokes, I have all these ideas.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm an idea scal, but trying to actually find what's the thing to do and to give my all in, you know.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I think that where we're going in these systems is honestly, you're helping me answer this age-old question, is I think we have to create outside, um, where we get to make the rules, where we get to really find the values and the anchor points, and we do not let go.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I just want to um offer you um a little just personal idea about what you're actually doing.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that like you said, some of these outside the box ideas can feel so daunting to implement.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanna, I have like a couple of questions uh about that.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: But you actually just thinking about an alternative like that cracks something open that's going to allow someone, some people, a group at some point to actually bring that into reality.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: So this is why I tell people like dreaming is so important because it it opens up a channel for that dream to actually manifest.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so, so powerful.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so one of the things I want to talk to you about next is credentialing.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because I have a young person in my life who would be such an awesome resource in a little more formal way to her group setting, you know, like her friends and her circle.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: They could really use her expertise.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: She's so compassionate, she's so incredibly wise and insightful for her age, but she doesn't have any official credentials.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so she doesn't, you know, she has imposter syndrome about even entertaining the idea that she might be a resource to people.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: So what what because you're you're credentialed, and what do you see is possible in this area?
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so when you talk about credentials, I don't know if you know this, I don't have a ton of credentials like through this.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_01: Is actually, I love that you're bringing this up.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, most of the things like I'll learn and I'll go and I'll take what I need, but like I won't see it all the way through because sometimes I I didn't, I used to think I quit a lot or a Jack of all tradesmaster of none.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm understanding more about my design as a manifesting generator and all the things.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I have not had a ton of credentials throughout going on.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_01: So there was a part of me when I was running those surgery centers and um, you know, essentially being the liaison between surgeons and places, and I was like an MA, like I was trained on site.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if I were to let that, I would almost like be in my own delusion of like, I trust myself to learn, like I did.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_01: I put in the time, the energy to learn all the things.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would even be interfacing with people that had more degrees than me and they didn't know what I knew.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I had to keep holding on to that of like, I don't understand my path.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_01: And don't get me wrong, there was parts that even like even now I'm working with a lot of um social workers that have their master social worker and like all the things.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_01: And um, there's some people that will make comments about, oh, well, this person doesn't even have their MSW and they're thinking, you know, and I have to just like like I honor that, and I honor the people that have put in the time I do.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's there's a respect there.
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't believe that's everyone's path, and I haven't really let that stop me.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_01: I just have a dedication to be the best that I can be, taking everything that I can.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_01: I love to research too.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's like my love language.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_01: I love to read and research.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so for example, even now I'm part of this subcommittee with the juvenile course and different things, and I have to just keep speaking my voice and knowing that I trust in myself to back up what I'm saying.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm really.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: Gonna humbly come to the table and say, I don't know if this is a thing, you guys have some more experience, but this is what I feel, this is what I'm seeing.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that's why people like your friend who has the experience that has the desire and want, sometimes that's the change up that the system needs, in my opinion, and what I've seen, you know.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, wow, that that's incredibly powerful.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that, you know, you seem to like so seamlessly blend and step into that fearlessness because a lot of times it does require fearlessness to face up to and to enter into a very, you know, credentialed, formal educational, intellectual pursuit, you know.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that's that's beautiful.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: Can you talk a little bit about how your um your your spiritual leadership, your and your work is kind of dovetailing at this point and for the future, like where you're headed?
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thanks so much for that.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that's actually another thing that I've been interfacing as a challenge.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I was talking about the heart, having to sometimes kind of protect itself a little.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes with my spiritual journey, my intuition, um, I'm having to kind of, you know, because I'll walk into a house and you get these different intuitions and feelings, and things can look really good on paper.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_01: But, you know, a lot of us that have been living with that from that place of intuition, something's off, something's wrong, right?
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_01: And most people aren't at that space of deep listening or noticing, whatever you want to call it, to catch it.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's been a lot that my spiritual side or my intuition has picked up and brought into the table.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_01: And it will eventually kind of show the uncovering, but it's almost like um it's not black or white.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's really tricky.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm actually um interfacing with some challenges when it comes to when you know something, you know something, like you know, and just because it's um, you know, not hitting these four four check marks that the something's designed to be.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm having to really kind of do the same thing that I'm doing with my heart.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's finding this like titration system without shutting anything down.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so where uh like where I'm going with it is really interesting because I have um, I kind of mentioned this, I believe I'm writing this book that's being birthed out of me.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, really putting some new concepts and systems down.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I don't really know, and that's kind of the beauty of it.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I could tell you I knew what this was all gonna look like, but the last few years I've really been leaning into like, I am where I need to be.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I actually really didn't want to do this job as a foster.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was like praying with God, like, no, and it was everything that was like step by step, like this is where you need to be.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, okay, and then I'm seeing what I'm learning, right?
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm in this space, and I think a lot of us are right now with so much newness.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_01: And um, especially when there's a lot of external noise, it's like, what how can I continue to anchor into what is my next step to do?
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't know, but I'm really excited about it, and there's a lot of like hope, which is very, I think, opposite than a lot of other people are feeling when they're so externally focused.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that um I have to believe that everything that I've done so far in my life and that I've learned is leading me to this next, whatever this is gonna look like, whether it's in the system, outside the system, a little bit of both.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wait to see what that what's all what that book's all about.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm really interested.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I have some questions for you.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_00: And my first one was about the super supernatural experiences.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_00: So let's let's talk about the one that was most impactful for you.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_01: I I really truly don't believe I can pick one.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's just the like the thread, right?
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's like when I've needed something the most, whether it was I knew it consciously or not, some of the most impactful times have been in those junctures, right?
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I like I said, I've had so many that it it doesn't even have like one that pops out so much.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm curious whether because you've had this consistent support, in other words, um, if I can say that, do you now have the ability to call on it or do you expect it?
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, what is your relationship with it?
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, right now it's more of just um so I I I used to call on it more, right?
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_01: I used to call it more, but now it's kind of just an interfacing.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like um, you know, sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and there'll be and it's like, oh, okay.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_01: And then some nights not.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's kind of just like um this natural breath pattern that um I'm just interfacing at a very natural level, where I think it's a little bit more healthy for me, especially doing the work in the world I am, or you know, being a functioning parent in society, like you know what I mean, where it doesn't have to be so the thing.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of just like us as women, right?
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like sometimes we put on the hat, we're always a mother, but sometimes we're acting as mother and then we're shifting to friend.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_01: And um it's just very much like that.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_00: My experience with my uh intuition or you know, the my soul or spirit speaking to me, um, I started to recognize that an answer would come to me before I could even formulate the thought or the question.
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like just like the very first inkling, the the answer.
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if I if I wasn't in a position to actually hear that, like if it was noisy or I was busy, my mind was busy, or I was occupied in some way, I wouldn't, I would, I would miss it.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I just stopped asking altogether.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I went through a period, uh, you know, like a big bit of a dry spell because I I was actively, I had actively turned it off because I was, you know, I was raising four kids and didn't have quiet time either internally or externally.
• 50:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so um yeah, you you have to have a relationship with this, with this, and you have to invite it in, you have to listen.
• 51:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a it's like a friend, it's a you know, it's a relation, an actual relationship.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_00: What change would you like to make in how you live your life?
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_01: There's a part of me that like you can hear the external noise of all the little things, right?
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this, this, this.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_01: But really bringing into this space, and I know that this is gonna sound like very cliche, but for what's true for me right now, um I don't know that I would because my life has shown me like I can think that I want something and I could go towards something.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_01: And um things get rearranged that I didn't even know that I needed or wanted.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so I've kind of been in this space recently, and who knows, maybe it will change in a year from now.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_01: I I can't say, but it's almost like I I sometimes feel like that saying, the more you know, the less you know.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that's kind of where I'm at.
• 51:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't know.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I'm being led by my higher self on this epic adventure.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I know that I have to believe that what I'm going through is the direct soil or the the components for what is trying to come through.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know if I would change anything.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think I am being changed constantly, and I maybe that's what it is is just always having the ability to shift and change and grow.
• 52:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 52:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, this this actually sounds like a passive experience, but it's not at all.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's such an active faith.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it, you know, it takes so much willingness to allow that surrender.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's like surrender sounds like a passive experience, and it's not, it's the opposite of passive.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's such a big, a big effort, you know, to to put your small human self on the back burner while the larger part of you is allowed to come forward.
• 53:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not an easy thing to do.
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I love that.
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_00: What do you like most about yourself?
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, first of all, I like the fact that I can actually hear that question and begin to answer it because for many, many years, uh, that probably would have been hard.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_01: So um I like my willingness to be curious, to play and to love, even though some of my life experience may have taken that away from me, or it could have.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I love um that I still very much like to play.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_01: I like to be so curious, and I believe in love and joy.
• 53:51
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 53:52
  SPEAKER_00: I wish we could end on that, but I have two more questions for you.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what's your history with makeup?
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I asked this this question occurred to me because I feel like for a lot of women, this is such an evolution.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that's like a it's like a thing.
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a mask.
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a relationship with your masks.
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_00: So tell me about your history.
• 54:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I like this.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I have gone kind of all over the place.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I was younger, I mean, I had the like really dark, like, you know, and the the stuff.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I also changed my hair a lot and all this stuff.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then for a few years, I think it was right around when I was 30, 31, I let my hair go all gray and I stopped wearing makeup because I wanted it to be when I was ready to either wear the makeup or dye my hair, I wanted it to be for me, not because I felt like I needed to show up in a certain way.
• 54:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was also grown up in a lineage where it's really like my grandma, she wore makeup every day.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'd never seen her not in heels.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_01: She dyed her hair.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_01: She would even put on lipstick.
• 54:54
  SPEAKER_01: This is a little morbid, but um, put on lipstick every night in case she had a medical emergency because the firefighters would need to see her with her makeup on.
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I grew up in a um like a lineage where it was very important to show up, right?
• 55:07
  SPEAKER_01: And like look the part.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I kind of like, you know, I let my hair go gray.
• 55:12
  SPEAKER_01: I cut it all off.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't wear makeup for years.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I could get really comfortable with myself.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like I could look in the mirror without anything stripped away that made me beautiful and be like, I still love you.
• 55:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like I you are, you are fine just the way you are.
• 55:27
  SPEAKER_01: God bless my husband.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_01: He's seen so many sides of me.
• 55:30
  SPEAKER_01: But um, and then one day I was like, Oh, I'm gonna dye my hair again and I'm gonna wear makeup.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_01: And like my cousin got me a little bit of highlighter, and I was like, I like that.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's like so now it's a form of creative expression because I don't have to wear it.
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_01: I can go to the house, I can show up online without it, and I like it.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I like it.
• 55:53
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that's so that's so beautiful when you think about how it was in the 50s and you know how it is now, it's like feels so much freer.
• 56:03
  SPEAKER_00: But we still have these, you know, cultural roles and boxes that we end up in.
• 56:12
  SPEAKER_00: I know I've yeah, dealt with some of those.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, okay, I my final question for you, and you might have answered this already, but what are you feeling hopeful about?
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm feeling hopeful that there's enough of us that are believing in change and goodness, that have done the work, that are coming in with it's almost like I'm just hopeful that all the people that are hopeful also are really showing up.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what I've noticed.
• 56:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's people with things to say, there's ideas, there's belief.
• 56:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you know that most of those people, when you feel it, right, you can feel the difference between someone that's showing up and they've done their work and they're anchored in hope, and then someone that may be just like repeating something, right?
• 57:02
  SPEAKER_01: But a lot of people right now, you can feel it, and that feels hopeful because um what better thing to have hope for for or to than a bunch of people that are coming in um with great ideas of change, of connection.
• 57:23
  SPEAKER_01: There's just a lot.
• 57:23
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot, and I think that sometimes we forget to focus on how much um just because we don't know what it looks like, it can feel really exciting and really hopeful.
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you you and I kind of swim in those ponds, and I'm wondering, you know, if if a lot of people don't have access to the realization that that's actually occurring, that people are creating new things and are hopeful about the future.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, how would you say, what's the best way for people to connect with that?
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know how it is for everyone, but for myself, um, I feel like a lot of people tend to almost swim essentially in the shallow of what is bad because maybe they're too afraid to go, you know, darker down whatever rabbit hole.
• 58:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then it doesn't allow them to expand into the hope because there's that underbelly of like feeling that stuff.
• 58:22
  SPEAKER_01: I have had to let myself uh through certain junctures go all the way into the dark, like all the way into the depths of not hope, like the opposite, right?
• 58:34
  SPEAKER_01: To feel it because I trust myself to get out.
• 58:37
  SPEAKER_01: I trust myself that if I allow it to go all the way through, it's actually making it out the other side.
• 58:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I I just I I talk to people that you can feel them living in that space of where it's murky and they can't quite see the light, but you know what I mean, or the hope, but they're too scared to go the other way.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because yeah, there are people that kind of swim a little bit farther and they stay there, right?
• 59:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that can feel scary, but for whatever it is, is I I'm just gonna go all the way through.
• 59:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 59:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then it allows me more time in the hope because I've explored worst case scenario.
• 59:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 59:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's I feel like that's the whole point of this podcast is to show what the all the way through looks like that you know, that we are going to experience dark nights of the soul as souls, and um that there that there is light on the other side.
• 59:37
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you so much for that.
• 59:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, did you bring a question for me today?
• 59:42
  SPEAKER_01: I did.
• 59:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so I I just think you're amazing.
• 59:47
  SPEAKER_01: And the way that you um, you know, write and bring words like in concepts, for me, it's it's really inspiring and it's fascinating.
• 59:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know if you'd be able to share about a little bit about your inner world and how how or when you knew that putting it to paper to birthing it into a book um was something that you either wanted to do, meant to do, um, but you also have such a gift for.
• 1:00:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I feel like I was really young when I realized that writing was a vehicle for me uh that I was comfortable in.
• 1:00:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I also feel that in that vehicle, I have access to things that I don't necessarily have access to in my waking life.
• 1:00:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like a specific channel that I'm able to open up with writing helps me access the clarity and the the simple elegance of a truth, I think.
• 1:00:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but it's definitely a process.
• 1:00:48
  SPEAKER_00: Usually some a concept will come out or you know, a story will come out in the most basic form.
• 1:00:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then I have to like dig and dig and dig and dig.
• 1:01:00
  SPEAKER_00: And for my for for all of the books that I've written, I wrote and then thought I was writing one thing, and then in the end, it ends up being something completely different.
• 1:01:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I I'm like you, I have great trust for that process that it's not really me, like my small mind and my small ideas are like the beginning point.
• 1:01:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then if I open myself up to greater wisdom, greater truth, greater beauty, greater everything, that it will rush through.
• 1:01:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not, I think also the it's important not to have too much attachment to what you're creating, um, because there is this component that you're not really responsible for.
• 1:01:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're you're the vessel and the message is gonna flow through.
• 1:01:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you don't, because getting bogged down in the preciousness of your idea or the how you think it's gonna go will stop that flow.
• 1:02:05
  SPEAKER_00: It will kind of put rocks into the dam, you know, that that the that the idea is flowing through.
• 1:02:13
  SPEAKER_00: So um I I think it takes a lot of practice and being unattached, and also there's a desire to create more truth, more beauty, more goodness.
• 1:02:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I want to do that, I want to be one of those people, so um, so that's what I open myself up to.
• 1:02:42
  SPEAKER_01: So that's incredible.
• 1:02:44
  SPEAKER_01: I love the way that you shared that.
• 1:02:46
  SPEAKER_00: Even my eyes are watering, that always tells me something medicine, yeah.
• 1:02:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, Jade, I have just enjoyed this conversation so much.
• 1:02:57
  SPEAKER_00: You are such a light in the world, and I really love being in your company, and I feel so blessed to have had this conversation.
• 1:03:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 1:03:06
  SPEAKER_00: I feel the same.
• 1:03:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, beautiful.
• 1:03:09
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 1:03:10
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.