Latest / Dear Chelsea / Life is Lifey with Sarah Shahi

Transcript

Life is Lifey with Sarah Shahi · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, guys, I am officially on my High and Mighty tour.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: March thirteenth, Cleveland, Ohio. March fourteenth Columbus, Ohio. March fifteenth, Cincinnati, Ohio,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: and then March twentieth is Denver, Colorado. March twenty seventh, Portland, Maine.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: March twenty eighth, Providence, Rhode Island. March twenty ninth, Springfield, Massachusetts.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: April tenth is Chicago. I'll be at the Chicago Theater.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: April eleventh, Indianapolis, Indiana. April twelfth Louisville, Kentucky. April sixteenth
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: is Albuquerque, New Mexico. April seventeenth is Mesa, Arizona. April
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: twenty third is Kansas City, Missouri. April twenty fourth is
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Saint Louis, Missouri. April twenty fifth is Minneapolis, Minnesota. April
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: thirtieth Nashville, Tennessee. May first is Charlotte, North Carolina. May
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: second is Durham, North Carolina. May sixth, I'm doing Netflix
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: as a joke festival. I will be in Los Angeles.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: That is a new announcement, along with Atlantic City. May fifteenth, Toga, California.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: May sixteenth, Monterey, California, May seventeenth Modesto, California, and then June.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Fourth, Portchester, New York.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: June fifth is Boston, mass And June twelfth is Portland, Oregon.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: And then Seattle is June thirteenth, So suck on that. Everybody.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: Go to Chelseahandler dot com for tickets. Okay, Hi Catherine,
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Hi Chelsea.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: Where in the world are you?
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Today, I'm in Toronto. I had a show last night
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: in Ontario. I had a weekend full of shows kicking.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Off our tour.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Well this wasn't a kickoff, but I had a really
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: fun weekend.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Megan Gaily opened for me. Not kickoff, but still early yeah,
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: still early.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: The tour has been so fucking fun as usual, and
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: we're having a great time. And I'm about to go
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: meet my cowboy at the airport because we're going away
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: for my birthday.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: Oh yay, Oh yeah.
• 1:52
  Speaker 4: I see.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: I thought that makea trip was the getaway.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: This is a different That was his birthday. That was
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: his birthday. Girl, I'm not going to Jamaica for my birthday.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: That's for someone else.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: Is it bad to date another Pisces? Is he also
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: a Pisces?
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: Now he's an Aquarius?
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: Okay, well right, that's probably fine.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: I don't know much about it.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: I don't know much about it either, I mean honestly,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: but luckily enough people in this.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: World keep telling me about it.
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: Great.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: So yes, we're on the beginning of a very big adventure.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: So I am ready to rumble.
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm happy for you. All I've done the last
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: two weeks is watch Olympics. So I don't have much
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: to tell other than it was such a good one.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, the Olympics. I've been such a good one. Yeah,
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: it was.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: There was so much like women supporting women. Did you
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: see the slalom where the Italian woman won and there
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: were two people who had been tied for gold, two
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: women who had been tied for gold, and when the
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: Italian woman won by almost zero point seven seconds, the
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: other two women like came in fell to their knees
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: and were like, we're not worthy, We're not worthy.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: It was such a beautiful moment.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: I was like, of course women would do that. That
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: was just wonderful.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: That's nice.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: It was definitely definitely great vibes, great vibes for this Olympics.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: So many wins, so many exciting things happened. Yeah, It
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: was really really heartwarming and in perfect time in our
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: country where we can remind people of the good stuff
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: about America rather than absolutely minus the fucking US men's
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: hockey team celebrating with Cash Battell like a bunch of
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: toxic assholes. Boo minus that part, Okay, Like I honestly
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: if oh also, I just want to add I have
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: about two weeks off and then I have March seventh
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: in Vegas, and then I have three shows in Ohio.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: So I want people in Ohio to know I am
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: coming to Cleveland, Columbus and Cincinnati.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: That's March thirteenth, fourteenth, and fifteenth. So I will be
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: back stateside amazing. And this is all new material, right,
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: somebody was asking me. I was like, I think it's
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: all new matures. Of course, it's all the new tour.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: It's a new tour. Yeah, it's all news.
• 3:52
  Speaker 4: So if you saw her last time, go see her
• 3:54
  Speaker 4: again exactly.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Anyway, we have a very fun guest today who is
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: from Second Life on Netflix and The l Word. She's
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: got a new book. It's called Life Is Lifey the
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: a disease navigating Life's messy middle. And you can also
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: find her in the upcoming season of Hulu's Paradise and
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: the upcoming sequel to Red White and Royal Blue. So
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: please welcome actress and author Sarah Shahi.
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: Hi Sarah, Oh my god, Hi stereo alltogether now, Hi ladies,
• 4:28
  Speaker 4: Hi que How are you? I'm well, how are you?
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: Where are you right now? Because that background is heaven.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: I'm in Whistler, Canada.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Oh that's where I have my winter chalet.
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: I love that.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, where are.
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: You not in a winter chalet? I'm in the Oaks
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: of Sherman.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: Oh that's so romantic.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: It sounds like something out of Hamnut the Oaks of Sherman.
• 4:58
  Speaker 4: By the way, I saw you Critics Choice, and you
• 5:01
  Speaker 4: are so fucking funny. I know I'm like the millionth
• 5:05
  Speaker 4: person to tell you that, but I was. I was
• 5:08
  Speaker 4: so excited to do this a just because I've been
• 5:11
  Speaker 4: an admirer for a long time, but especially after seeing
• 5:14
  Speaker 4: you at Critics Choice, I was like, this is just
• 5:16
  Speaker 4: going to be wonderful. Thank you, Universe, Thank you.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: I appreciate that.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: And you can imagine my surprise when I was reading
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: your book and came across a chapter opening with one
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: of my quotes, one of my favorite quotes of all time. Actually,
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: I read it and I was like, oh, this sounds
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: and then I saw my name.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: I'm like, this sounds very familiar.
• 5:36
  Speaker 4: That's so funny. I yeah, you know what. I'm like
• 5:38
  Speaker 4: a walking bumper sticker. I love to talk and just
• 5:41
  Speaker 4: like a little bite sized phrases. And I saw your
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: quote and I loved And you know, you've been so
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: open about your journey with heartbreak and relationships in the
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: past that listening to you talk about that really warmed
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: me up and opened up a side of me towards
• 5:59
  Speaker 4: you that I I hadn't felt before. So I've just,
• 6:01
  Speaker 4: like I said, I've always just followed you. And then
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: whenever I was using quotes and I saw that one
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: and then this came through, I was like, oh my god,
• 6:12
  Speaker 4: she's my new best friend.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: I know. I love it.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: I really enjoyed your book because I think, first of all,
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: it's going to be great for all of our listeners,
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: because we have so many women that are listening to
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: this and they're on a lot of them are married,
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: and a lot of them are in marriages that they
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: probably are thinking about getting out of. Just taking the
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: temperature of the world that we live in today. So
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: this is a really beautiful book that talks about these
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: changes and how to handle them with grace and a
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: plum and how not to beat yourself up about the
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: decisions you make, and as a great stark reminder that
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: you are the most important person in your universe and
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: if you don't take care of yourself, nobody else is
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: going to. So like a lot of these themes, I think,
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: you know, I know, I've written books that cover a
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: lot of these themes from a you know, female perspective,
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: but not necessarily a marriage perspective.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: So I want to talk to you first.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I want to talk a little bit about you know,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: you talk about leaving a marriage, your your ex husband.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: You filed for divorce or asked for a divorce, like
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: right when the lockdown started for COVID. Yeah, and you
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: have and you have three children, a set of twins
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: and another child. So tell us did that impact your decision?
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: First of all, because obviously, when you're thinking about divorce,
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: as you say in your book, you're thinking about it
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: for a long time. It's not something you just blurt out.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: But when you did blurt it out, I felt such
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: a relief in the way you described your relief, like
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: finally you've said it. It's out there. You can't take
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: it back, and it feels so good to.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: Just unload, right.
• 7:45
  Speaker 4: It was like a big exhale. Yeah, you know, it's
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: it's tough. I feel that there are a lot of
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: unhappily married women out there, and we are so used
• 7:56
  Speaker 4: to this rhetoric where we have to come last, where
• 7:58
  Speaker 4: we have to put everybody first, and if we want
• 8:01
  Speaker 4: something that's larger than the life that we're living, that
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: we should feel ashamed or we shouldn't want that. And
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: you know, for me having children, you know here this
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: is another thing. It's a lot of people they stay
• 8:15
  Speaker 4: because of the children, and then they get a divorce
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: when the kids are in college. And I've spoken to
• 8:20
  Speaker 4: so many people like that, to which they always say,
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: we knew our parents were unhappy. We wish they would
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: have gotten it sooner. Staying in it for the kids,
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: Like you think you're doing the noble thing, but at
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: the end of the day, what are you modeling for
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: your children? You know, it's like wanting to go after
• 8:36
  Speaker 4: the life that I wanted for myself and also seeing
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: what I was modeling for my kids. I was like,
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: this needs to give me strength, and it did give
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: me strength. I pictured my daughter in my situation, and
• 8:48
  Speaker 4: I was like, would I be okay if she were
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: living out this version of my life? Would I be
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: okay if my sons were in a relationship where this
• 8:59
  Speaker 4: is how love was modeled and reciprocated. And the answer
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: was no to all of it. So as much as
• 9:04
  Speaker 4: it sucks, as much as you know, nobody gets married
• 9:09
  Speaker 4: thinking about their divorce, it was something that I was like,
• 9:13
  Speaker 4: I owe it to my children to show them a
• 9:17
  Speaker 4: mother who was happy, who was thriving, and who has
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: the guts to go after her dreams. So yeah, if anything,
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: the kids kind of propelled me into it. And you know,
• 9:27
  Speaker 4: like you said, this isn't a decision that comes overnight.
• 9:31
  Speaker 4: The demise of a relationship is never just one person.
• 9:37
  Speaker 4: It's two people, and it's you know, it's a downward
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: slope for a while. So I tried to use the
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: justification of let me stay in it for the kids,
• 9:47
  Speaker 4: or maybe I should do it tomorrow after dinner, you
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: know what I mean. It's like you just you try
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: to find those excuses, but at the end of the day,
• 9:55
  Speaker 4: there just comes a point where it's like a switch
• 9:57
  Speaker 4: gets turned on and you're like, I cannot keep doing
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: this to myself anymore. The pain of staying is greater
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: than the pain of leaving.
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: Well, and we do get questions like this a lot
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: from listeners. I think it's almost harder in that sort
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: of situation where it is the slow descent into unhappiness
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: then like he's a monster, right, The decision to leave
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: is much more difficult when it's not a monster, you know,
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: it's just you're not as happy as you could possibly be.
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: And also there's a lot of love there. You know,
• 10:27
  Speaker 4: when you're married to somebody for a long time and
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: you build a life and children and a home and memories,
• 10:34
  Speaker 4: and you know, there's just there's a lot of love,
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: and that love doesn't just go away, you know, even
• 10:40
  Speaker 4: if you want a divorce. It just that was the
• 10:42
  Speaker 4: other thing that was really interesting to me to explore
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: when all this happened, is where does that love go?
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: Where do the pictures on the wall live? What do
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: I do with the ring? Like all these things that
• 10:55
  Speaker 4: you don't think about right until after the fact. So yeah,
• 11:00
  Speaker 4: I'm happy that I get to sort of share my
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: experience with everybody.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think it's very I love what you
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: said about the kids, because that's everybody's excuse. Oh, we're
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: staying together for the kids. I can't tell you how
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: many people say that to me, men and women alike.
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's and.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: It's like, that's not your If that was happening to
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: your own kid, you would not want them to tolerate
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: that situation or stay in that situation.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: And I mean something else that's.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: I find fascinating, and I'm sure you did too, be yourself,
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: is that you were filming Sex Life at this time,
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: which was a mega hit on Netflix.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: I watched three episodes of it yesterday.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: And the fact that this was coinciding and like the
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: parallel to the character on the show who's unhappily married
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: and kind of reminiscing about them, not kind of, but
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: totally reminiscing about an ex that she had. First of all,
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: you're having so much sex on the show, So congratulations
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: on that victory.
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: It's been so long now, I've been single for about
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: a year. I don't even remember how it works anymore.
• 11:56
  Speaker 4: I'm like, do your arms go off? Like what do
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: you do? But yeah, I did have a lot of
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: sex on that show.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: How fun, like how it was fun.
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: It was so much fun. It was you know, it
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: was one of those opportunities that you know, it really
• 12:10
  Speaker 4: was lightning in a bottle with that show. And we
• 12:14
  Speaker 4: started filming that show. Let's see it was it was COVID,
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: So it was about five to six months after I
• 12:22
  Speaker 4: had filed for divorce we started filming that show, and
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: as the world knows, I ended up with my co star.
• 12:28
  Speaker 4: And you know, the idea for the book really came
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: from the fact that when the show came out, it
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: coincided with the news of my divorce, and women from
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: all over the world like I didn't, you know, expect
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: to be on this platform. But because of the show's
• 12:48
  Speaker 4: topics and not only was it about a woman finding
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: the courage to go after what she wants, but it
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: was also very sexually empowering for women to speak up.
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: There were so many women that wrote to me and
• 12:59
  Speaker 4: they were just like, I've never had an orgasm before.
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: How do you be vocal? And I was like, Wow,
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: that's sad, because that's a God given birthright that we
• 13:07
  Speaker 4: all have to experience this kind of pleasure. You know. Meanwhile, viagra,
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: something that makes a limp dick hard, like just flies
• 13:15
  Speaker 4: off of everyone's tongue like it's every day vernacular. But
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: if we talk about sex, orgasms, uterus progesterone, you know,
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: hormonal differences, it's like we have to do it behind
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: closed doors. And I really want to be part of
• 13:26
  Speaker 4: the movement to change that. But yeah, people wrote to
• 13:30
  Speaker 4: me from everywhere like how did you have the guts?
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: And also how did you bag the like hot young
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: guy on the show? You know? So it was just
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: a space I found myself in and I was like,
• 13:41
  Speaker 4: let me put all of this somewhere that it can
• 13:45
  Speaker 4: live and it can serve as like a bible for
• 13:48
  Speaker 4: women who want a second act that's maybe better than
• 13:52
  Speaker 4: the first.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: And I think that's one of the best best plot
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: parts of the book, is talking about how the second
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: act can be so much more rewarding than the first
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: act of your life, especially if you're a mom with children,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: especially if you're in an unhappy marriage. I know it's
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: certainly true for me and I don't have children and
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: I've never been married. Just really smart decision making on
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: my behalf, but especially with regard to my personality.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: Like that just wouldn't have been a good fit.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: And I can't tell you how much more joyful and
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: confident and happy, and the bet the sex that I'm
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: having is so much better than the sex I was
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: having in my twenties.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: It's like, yes, all women, hold on tight.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: I promise you. We are here to send a message
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: that life gets better. I mean, it is kind of
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: hard to take a self help book seriously from somebody
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: as hot as you, so I mean I would say,
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: oh wow, how people would look at I mean, people
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: might think, oh, wait, what does this woman know about?
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: And I want to say, like, it's like when people say, oh,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: you're a celebrity, you have nothing to worry about, You're rich,
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: you don't you know, it's none of that matters.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: We're all going through the same shit.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: All women are experiencing the same experiences, and I think
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: it's really it's nice to hear from a whole different
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: spectrum of women about their experience in this life.
• 15:05
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and I also feel too, It's like, you know,
• 15:08
  Speaker 4: I feel like everybody comes to the next chapter of
• 15:13
  Speaker 4: their life based on where they were last and also
• 15:19
  Speaker 4: childhood trauma, like I know, for me, you know, it's
• 15:22
  Speaker 4: like being single for the first time in my life
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: this last year and also throughout my relationship dynamics. My
• 15:29
  Speaker 4: childhood trauma really played a part in it. I mean,
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: I thought I was healed, you know, I thought I
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: had been through the therapy. I sat with the Shamans,
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: I meditated for five hours. I went into the desert
• 15:41
  Speaker 4: like I have no more problems anymore. And it's fascinating
• 15:46
  Speaker 4: the way these issues. You know, and I'm somebody who
• 15:49
  Speaker 4: believes that you attract partners that will help you achieve
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: your highest growth. Whether or not you look at it
• 15:55
  Speaker 4: as an opportunity like that and you learn from the
• 15:57
  Speaker 4: lessons is up to you. But being able to to
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: look at the impact my childhood, my abandonment issues, my
• 16:05
  Speaker 4: self worth, like it doesn't matter what somebody looks like
• 16:09
  Speaker 4: on the outside, it really is the inside. And that's
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: why I feel and this stage in my life and
• 16:15
  Speaker 4: you probably feel this too. It's like you've you've done
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: so much work, you're so confident, you know you're worth,
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: like you know how you take up space on this planet,
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: and you feel so good about that that you're not
• 16:27
  Speaker 4: willing to compromise for someone else.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: And you come to the realization that the right people
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: are going to appreciate that and who you are and
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: who you've grown into the woman you've grown into.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: You stop selling yourself.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: And you start realizing that anyone worth their salt will
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: recognize how great you are.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: You know, like, that's right, We're not performing anymore.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not performing my personality for a guy that I
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: want to like me. I'm asking myself, do I like you?
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 16:55
  Speaker 4: Right? And by the way, the other thing that I've
• 16:57
  Speaker 4: come to is if it doesn't work out or they
• 16:59
  Speaker 4: don't rescive, fine, Like, it doesn't mean I'm not good
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: or I'm not worthy or I did something wrong. It's
• 17:05
  Speaker 4: just not an alignment. And then you become open for
• 17:08
  Speaker 4: somebody who is an alignment. So yeah, it's just so
• 17:11
  Speaker 4: much more rewarding to be at this space in life
• 17:14
  Speaker 4: than the one before.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: Something else I really liked was you talking about, you know,
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: your acting getting offers for the kind of same types
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: of roles, and you were kind of over it.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: You're like, you're very prescriptive.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: I don't want to keep doing this, and so you
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: stopped auditioning and you told your agents like, I'm not
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: doing I'm not going out for these roles anymore. And
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: you even got offered things that you turned down and said,
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: I'm not doing this. I'm just gonna wait until something
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: that is right and that serves me comes along.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: And I really like, I love that.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: Because I think so many people need to hear that
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: that you have to do things that make you happy
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: in order to have a magnetic attraction to the things
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: that are there that you're supposed to go through in life,
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: like when you are focusing on the negative and everything
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: does become negative, and when you choose to make yourself
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: happy by doing the things that make you happy. For me,
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: that skiing, it's reading books, it's spending time with my friends,
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: and it's also getting time alone. When I know that
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: I will infect others with my negative attitude if I'm
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: around them, you know, to retreat, like I've learned all
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: these things about myself that make me a happier person.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: And you speak about that like finding out what it
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: is you like about yourself and what makes you happy
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: to do, and in the moments where you're not feeling it,
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: to actually exercise your right to practice the things that
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: bring joy to your life, because that is going to
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: up your frequency and up your vibration.
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: Yes, you are. I feel like you're probably like me
• 18:40
  Speaker 4: in a sense that you believe in energy and frequency.
• 18:43
  Speaker 4: You've used that word a couple times now, and you know,
• 18:46
  Speaker 4: and I've done so much research in this space, as
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: I know you probably have too, to know that it's
• 18:52
  Speaker 4: not even woo woo. It's just pure science. It's quantum
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: physics that you will only attract that which you are
• 18:58
  Speaker 4: in the vibrational state of When you're doing things that
• 19:01
  Speaker 4: make you happy, you will continue to attract things that
• 19:03
  Speaker 4: make you happy. When you are doing things that you
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: know make you feel sort of less than or not
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: so great, You're just going to keep attracting things like that.
• 19:10
  Speaker 4: And I did. And you know, it's interesting because I'm
• 19:13
  Speaker 4: now in this I know, I've said it a couple
• 19:14
  Speaker 4: times now, like I'm single for the first time in
• 19:16
  Speaker 4: my life. And there was a period of time where
• 19:19
  Speaker 4: I was just like chasing, I was chasing Dick. I
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: was just like, somebody, tell me I'm hot, and tell
• 19:27
  Speaker 4: me I am worth.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: I'll tell you your heart right now.
• 19:32
  Speaker 4: The second and and and I was constant and nothing
• 19:37
  Speaker 4: was working out. And it was because I didn't have
• 19:40
  Speaker 4: the self worth. I was coming from a place of insecurity,
• 19:44
  Speaker 4: not wanting to sit with myself, and when I started.
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: This is another thing in the book I talk about,
• 19:48
  Speaker 4: which just follow your happy, Like, instead of putting attention
• 19:51
  Speaker 4: on the things that you don't have, start chasing the
• 19:54
  Speaker 4: things that make you happy. Follow your happy one by one,
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: step by step, even if it means hanging out with
• 19:59
  Speaker 4: your friends, even if it means canceling on your friends
• 20:02
  Speaker 4: in favor of like a night alone, having the extra cookie.
• 20:05
  Speaker 4: Little by little, the past starts to appear, and the
• 20:08
  Speaker 4: things that you want to draw in, the things that
• 20:10
  Speaker 4: are aligned with you. It's just science. You'll just start
• 20:13
  Speaker 4: attracting all of that stuff in. So that's something that
• 20:17
  Speaker 4: I still have to remind myself of to this day.
• 20:20
  Speaker 4: It's gotten easier. But yeah, follow your happy when in doubt,
• 20:24
  Speaker 4: when you don't know what to do, stop focusing on
• 20:26
  Speaker 4: the things you don't know because you're not meant to
• 20:28
  Speaker 4: know it right now. That's why you don't know the answers,
• 20:30
  Speaker 4: and instead focus on the things that bring you joy,
• 20:33
  Speaker 4: no matter how small they are.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: And let's talk about the transitional period, like when once
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: you admit to your partner that you want out of
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: the relationship. And I think a lot of people, women
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: especially are get very consumed with that piece, like what's
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: it going to feel like we're not going to have
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: a partner, And it's like it's kind of like a
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: scarcity issue more than an actual Like you're not looking
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: at the big picture.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: You're not looking at six months down the road.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: You're going to be so grateful you made this decision
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: and that you were strong enough to make that decision.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: So I think that transitional period is a real kind
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: of hiccup for a lot of people that they can't
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: get past.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: So can you speak a little bit about.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: Your experience and when things started to feel aligned again
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: and when when you started to really feel grateful and
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: happy about that decision that you made.
• 21:21
  Speaker 4: You know, I feel like the reason, you know, people
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: don't speak up, or women don't speak up, is because
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: we've been conditioned from the time that we're very young
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: to not experience pain or that pain is bad. You know.
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: I talk about this in the book. It's like when
• 21:35
  Speaker 4: you scrape your knee as a child, your mom gives
• 21:37
  Speaker 4: you a double scooped ice cream clone you put a
• 21:39
  Speaker 4: band aid on it, kiss it, make it better, don't
• 21:42
  Speaker 4: cry anymore. And so we have this you know, story
• 21:46
  Speaker 4: running in our minds that we are not supposed to
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: experience pain. So that keeps us from doing the hard
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: stuff sometimes. But as I learned, you know, especially when
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: the most painful thing that I did was get a divorce,
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: was pain is just an emotion like joy. It's just
• 22:03
  Speaker 4: an emotion like happiness or sadness or grief, and we
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: don't normalize it enough and we try to escape it
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: when really the only way out of that is in
• 22:15
  Speaker 4: So each day for me look different. One day I
• 22:18
  Speaker 4: couldn't stop crying, and I would be playing a game
• 22:21
  Speaker 4: with my children, and all of a sudden, my cheeks
• 22:23
  Speaker 4: would flush and I would get really really hot, and
• 22:27
  Speaker 4: tears would start like prickling in my eyes, and like
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: what is happening? What is happening? And I would sit
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: with it and I'm like, Okay, what is this? What
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: is this? And it was me mourning And I had
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: this healer tell me one time, and I thought this
• 22:37
  Speaker 4: was so good. Yes, you're mourning. You are mourning the
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: death of a relationship, right. It is a pure death.
• 22:44
  Speaker 4: It is a loss of dreams. You have to bury,
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: you have to bury all that stuff, but you're also
• 22:49
  Speaker 4: mourning the old version of you that was with that person.
• 22:53
  Speaker 4: And I thought that was so telling, because I was
• 22:55
  Speaker 4: a certain person when I was married, and I did
• 22:58
  Speaker 4: have a whole bunch of dreams and I thought my
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: life was going to turn out differently than what it
• 23:01
  Speaker 4: had And so a lot of times when I was crying,
• 23:04
  Speaker 4: it wasn't necessarily because I missed the relationship. I know
• 23:07
  Speaker 4: I didn't miss the relationship, right, And we do this thing,
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: I think we romanticize the person when we break up
• 23:14
  Speaker 4: with them. I know I certainly have with all of
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: my exes, where all of a sudden they've got a
• 23:18
  Speaker 4: damn halo on their head and you start to forget
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: all the things that got you to that place. You
• 23:24
  Speaker 4: forget all the things that they did, all the fights, everything,
• 23:28
  Speaker 4: and you start missing them as if they were this
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: like most angelic presence. And it's like, no, go back,
• 23:33
  Speaker 4: read your journal, talk to your friends. You know, for me,
• 23:36
  Speaker 4: my mom she remembers every single person whoever did anything
• 23:39
  Speaker 4: wrong to me, back to the time that I was
• 23:41
  Speaker 4: in kindergarten. So going back and talking to my mom
• 23:44
  Speaker 4: was like, really really helpful, and it's like, yeah, you know,
• 23:46
  Speaker 4: you don't want them to get hate fucked by a shark.
• 23:48
  Speaker 4: But at the same time, it's like you need to
• 23:52
  Speaker 4: remember how you got there and not just put that
• 23:56
  Speaker 4: aside for romantic amnesia and just allowing each day to
• 23:59
  Speaker 4: be one day I was feeling frisky, one day, I
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: was like, ooh, maybe I can masturbate, and then I
• 24:04
  Speaker 4: would start crying in the middle of it instead and
• 24:06
  Speaker 4: just have a sore hand to boot, you know. So
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: it was just like each day looked different, and I
• 24:11
  Speaker 4: had to allow myself that roller coaster. I had to
• 24:14
  Speaker 4: allow the pain to come in whenever it wanted, because
• 24:18
  Speaker 4: there were times where I thought I was totally fine
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: and I would be at Gelson's and all of a
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: sudden start crying over the avocados, you know. So it
• 24:25
  Speaker 4: was just like I had to allow the roller coaster
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: of emotions. I had to allow for every thought to
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: pass through. I had to allow for it to be hard.
• 24:34
  Speaker 4: I had to allow to miss him. I had to
• 24:37
  Speaker 4: allow these things, and then little by little it did
• 24:41
  Speaker 4: get better. You know. One of my favorite quotes is
• 24:43
  Speaker 4: give time time and just trust that you know your
• 24:48
  Speaker 4: heart has been broken. I'm speaking for myself. My heart
• 24:51
  Speaker 4: has been broken so many times in the past, only
• 24:54
  Speaker 4: to put itself back together stronger than how it was before.
• 24:57
  Speaker 4: And I just trusted, trusted that it was going to
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: get better and it did.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of times when we're breaking up
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: or we're ending relationships and we're going through that breakup phase,
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: we are we are surprised that it keeps coming up,
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: like we think we've gotten through the worst of it,
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: and then it he'll hit you and you're like, god,
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: I thought I was over this, and it's like, don't
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: that is good.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: Every time that comes up, you.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: Are extinguishing your grief, like you are getting closer to
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: the end of your grief. Don't fight the grief, like
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: bring it on, go through it. Allow those emotions to happen.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: Even if a month goes by and you're happy and
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: you've met someone else and all of a sudden it
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: hits you, that's another step in your healing. That's not
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: something to ischew and go, oh God, I don't want
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: to feel any grief.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you do, you do, you do.
• 25:44
  Speaker 4: It's a release. And the other thing, too, is it's like,
• 25:47
  Speaker 4: you know two things I thought of when you said that.
• 25:50
  Speaker 4: One was things are only as important as the weight
• 25:54
  Speaker 4: in which we assign to it. I don't know if
• 25:55
  Speaker 4: I if I said that right. So it's like, if
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: you're experiencing grief, grief can be as big or small
• 26:01
  Speaker 4: as you allow for it to be. Like it's it.
• 26:04
  Speaker 4: So the importance of a feeling like you can be like, yeah,
• 26:07
  Speaker 4: I'm just really sad today, I'm really really sad, or
• 26:11
  Speaker 4: you can make that the largest thing in the world.
• 26:13
  Speaker 4: So that's the other thing too, I think for people
• 26:15
  Speaker 4: to keep in mind is no emotion nothing is as
• 26:18
  Speaker 4: important as the label that we give it. And that's
• 26:21
  Speaker 4: really helped me at times be able to take sort
• 26:23
  Speaker 4: of just like a for me to step outside of
• 26:25
  Speaker 4: my emotions, for me to zoom out and look at
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: it from a bird's eye perspective and be like okay.
• 26:30
  Speaker 4: And the other thing is anytime I would have those
• 26:34
  Speaker 4: very overwhelming feelings, and I experienced this just last year
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: with my split, instead of making it about the other
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: person and how much we miss the other person and
• 26:44
  Speaker 4: how we wish it could have worked out, instead of
• 26:46
  Speaker 4: playing the story that makes it about them, I was
• 26:49
  Speaker 4: trying to look at it from a different perspective where
• 26:51
  Speaker 4: I would make it about me. So instead I would say,
• 26:54
  Speaker 4: instead of being like, oh my god, I miss them
• 26:56
  Speaker 4: so much, I'd be like, oh my god, look at
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: the depths of my heart. Oh my god, look how
• 27:01
  Speaker 4: deeply I can love, And how my love makes me
• 27:05
  Speaker 4: feel like I have wings and I can grow, and
• 27:07
  Speaker 4: my love is wild and free, makes me feel like
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: I can do anything, like wow. So I would start
• 27:12
  Speaker 4: changing the story instead of it being about them and
• 27:15
  Speaker 4: how much I miss them, about how impressed I was
• 27:19
  Speaker 4: with the depths of my own heart. And that actually
• 27:22
  Speaker 4: helped me a lot, just to change the story that
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: was happening in my head.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: You said this a few minutes ago.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: You said, you're kind of mourning the person that you
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: were in that relationship, and I and I think that
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of that, but there's also a lot
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: to look forward to the person that you become after
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: the relationship. Yeah, and that woman is like, is a
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: cause for celebration?
• 27:43
  Speaker 4: Yes, absolutely. You start to experience yourself in a whole
• 27:46
  Speaker 4: new way. All the things in which you put on
• 27:49
  Speaker 4: hold because you were putting the other person's needs first,
• 27:52
  Speaker 4: or you know, like, for example, me I'm somebody who
• 27:55
  Speaker 4: I'm very flirty with life, you know what I mean.
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: It's like I like to carry myself areas rising, So
• 28:00
  Speaker 4: it's like I like to carry myself with a little
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: wink everywhere I go. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm hitting on
• 28:06
  Speaker 4: the person, doesn't mean I want to sleep with the person.
• 28:09
  Speaker 4: But I will flirt with a woman barista just as
• 28:12
  Speaker 4: much as I will flirt with the hot janitor, you
• 28:14
  Speaker 4: know what I mean. So it's like it doesn't matter
• 28:16
  Speaker 4: to me, right, And I had put that part of
• 28:19
  Speaker 4: my personality aside because it was triggering to people in
• 28:23
  Speaker 4: the past, and I didn't want to do something that
• 28:25
  Speaker 4: felt disrespectful to somebody, So I just kind of buried
• 28:29
  Speaker 4: that part. But now being able to experience my femininity
• 28:32
  Speaker 4: and my sensuality in a way that like isn't shameful.
• 28:37
  Speaker 4: It's just who I am. Like life just feels so
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: much richer to take a luxurious bath and to put on,
• 28:43
  Speaker 4: you know, a silk robe and give yourself a wink
• 28:46
  Speaker 4: in the mirror because you think you're hot, you know
• 28:48
  Speaker 4: what I mean.
• 28:48
  Speaker 5: Like, it's just like life just feels so much better
• 28:51
  Speaker 5: to laugh, to just feel that lightness to explore the
• 28:55
  Speaker 5: things that I want to explore. And I've never had
• 28:58
  Speaker 5: the opportunity to really do.
• 29:00
  Speaker 4: This before, so you know, it really does feel like
• 29:03
  Speaker 4: I'm coming into myself. I'm owning the fullness of myself
• 29:08
  Speaker 4: in a way that I never had the opportunity to so.
• 29:11
  Speaker 4: And that, you know, and that's on me. That's on
• 29:13
  Speaker 4: me for allowing that to happen. That's not the other
• 29:16
  Speaker 4: person's fault. But again, every every relationship, every situation comes
• 29:20
  Speaker 4: to teach us something, and I've learned some remarkable things
• 29:24
  Speaker 4: from the men I've been in contact and communication with,
• 29:26
  Speaker 4: and I'm just so very grateful. And how's your love
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: life going these days? Non existent? Sister? Do you know
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: anybody I'm on Riah for you?
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 29:35
  Speaker 4: I do? She recommend someone I'm on Riah, and you know,
• 29:40
  Speaker 4: it's like the amount of founders. I'm like, really, what
• 29:42
  Speaker 4: did you find?
• 29:43
  Speaker 6: I know, you know, and people who are just good
• 29:47
  Speaker 6: vibes only, or like if I if I do match
• 29:49
  Speaker 6: with somebody, all of a sudden, they text something really weird,
• 29:52
  Speaker 6: like I see you like me with my clothes off.
• 29:55
  Speaker 4: Too, And I'm like, what the fuck? What is that line?
• 29:58
  Speaker 4: And then they'll be like, what's your I'm like, buddy, no,
• 30:02
  Speaker 4: too fast, too fast, So anyway, I yeah, I don't know,
• 30:06
  Speaker 4: but I'm just I'm also in a space where I like, again,
• 30:08
  Speaker 4: like I am not chasing. I chased last year when
• 30:12
  Speaker 4: I was very single and same, being single was very new,
• 30:16
  Speaker 4: and now I'm just like my life is really good.
• 30:19
  Speaker 4: Like I'm really happy. I'm really happy with my work,
• 30:21
  Speaker 4: I'm really full with my children, Like I'm traveling a lot,
• 30:25
  Speaker 4: I'm meeting people, and if a relationship comes in, and like,
• 30:29
  Speaker 4: you can make my life better than what it is,
• 30:31
  Speaker 4: like awesome, Like I am ready, you know, but yeah,
• 30:35
  Speaker 4: otherwise I don't know. It just feels like a waste
• 30:38
  Speaker 4: of time.
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you have to be an addition, not a subtraction.
• 30:41
  Speaker 4: That's exactly Exploring myself as a single person has made
• 30:45
  Speaker 4: me more excited about love than ever. And like, and
• 30:48
  Speaker 4: I didn't think I would feel that way, Like I
• 30:50
  Speaker 4: was very jaded after my divorce, and then when I
• 30:53
  Speaker 4: got with my ex, I was like, I love you
• 30:57
  Speaker 4: so much, Like this is exactly what I've been waiting for.
• 31:01
  Speaker 4: I want to be buried on top of you when
• 31:03
  Speaker 4: we die and we can come back as ghosts and
• 31:05
  Speaker 4: haunt people like my love felt gothic and like, you know,
• 31:10
  Speaker 4: like deep, and I thought I would be jaded, but
• 31:13
  Speaker 4: I'm just more excited than ever to show because now
• 31:16
  Speaker 4: that I understand the fullness, the wholeness of myself, I'm like, Wow,
• 31:19
  Speaker 4: how amazing to be in a partnership where I can
• 31:22
  Speaker 4: show someone my like soft and my fire, like the
• 31:26
  Speaker 4: full extent of my growth and to grow with somebody.
• 31:30
  Speaker 4: So yeah, like I'm just I'm so excited for whenever
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: that happens.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: It's also just so empowering as becoming a woman and
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: like you know, getting older and realizing, like you know,
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: your messiness or the things that you aren't so proud
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: of or hadn't been so proud of, are okay to
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: be on display. Like you don't have to cover up
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: parts of you. You can actually be one hundred percent
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: who you are. And there is going to be men,
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: not just one man. There are going to be many
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: men who are attrusted to that and like your yes,
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: you know, yes, yeah, And like we've spent so many
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: years perfecting our image to the man or men that
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: we want to think of us in a certain way,
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: and it's all just completely convoluted and upside down. What
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: we come to understand about ourselves is like the more
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: you you are, the more attractive you become.
• 32:22
  Speaker 4: Yes, and the more life just becomes fun. And you know,
• 32:25
  Speaker 4: and that's the other thing too. It's like I think
• 32:27
  Speaker 4: about I think about death a lot, but not in
• 32:29
  Speaker 4: like a morbid way. In a way that's like if
• 32:32
  Speaker 4: I were to look back on my life, like am
• 32:35
  Speaker 4: I happy with the chances that I took? Or am
• 32:38
  Speaker 4: I going to have any regrets? And that's my thing
• 32:40
  Speaker 4: is I'm not sure where I got this, but from
• 32:42
  Speaker 4: a very young age, I was like, I don't want
• 32:43
  Speaker 4: to have any regrets in my life. So you know,
• 32:46
  Speaker 4: it's like I will absolutely jump now and ask for
• 32:49
  Speaker 4: forgiveness later or think later about my choices. But it's like,
• 32:53
  Speaker 4: we're here to have fun. We're here for such a
• 32:56
  Speaker 4: short period of time. It's like, why not just squeeze
• 32:59
  Speaker 4: the you said of every moment as much as we
• 33:02
  Speaker 4: can and those that don't align great, those that do great. Like,
• 33:06
  Speaker 4: in the end, none of it matters, you know, it's
• 33:09
  Speaker 4: just just have fun, live your fucking life.
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: I'd like to also say that the section where you
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: quote my where you use my quote. I had a
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: guy ask me once are you drinking? You don't have
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: to drink to make yourself more fun to be around,
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: and I told him, no, I'm drinking so that you
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: are more fun to be around. That section is right
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: above sloppy blowjobs. So let's talk about sloppy bow jobs,
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: because you talk about the importance of blowjobs.
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: And I have to tell you, for many years in.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: My twenties and thirties, I was so fucking scared to
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: give a blowjob because I did not know how to
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: give a blowjob and I never gave you once a completion,
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: so I was like, oh, I don't only know how
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: to start, I don't know how to finish. And then
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: my friend who you would never believe who this woman is,
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: and she's famous.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: I won't say her name, but she taught me.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: She sat me down to dinner and we were in London,
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: and she's like, Chelsea, let me explain to you how
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: to give a blowjob.
• 33:58
  Speaker 4: And she had did she have like a like did
• 34:00
  Speaker 4: you have a device?
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: No, she didn't have a device, but she described it
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: and it's very analogous to the way you describe it
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: in your book.
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: It's just like.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: Lots of slobber, lots of spent, lots of tips action,
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: acting like you're you know, just stroking, rubbing, make it
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: as wet as possible, and guys are just like it's
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: it's And.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: Once I learned how to do it, I was like
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: I was so empowered. Not that yeah, because.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: I always had this thing, like I had this thing
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: like blowjobs are like that's you don't get a blowjob
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: from me, you know, Like I had this attitude and
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: it's like, wait a second, I don't care if you, like,
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: I want to give a great blowjob.
• 34:35
  Speaker 4: Exactly, Like I actually think the blowjob is more for
• 34:38
  Speaker 4: me than it is for them, because I've reached a
• 34:40
  Speaker 4: point where I enjoy the person that I'm attracted to.
• 34:43
  Speaker 4: I enjoy their pleasure so much and I'm very confident
• 34:48
  Speaker 4: at it that I'm like watch this, you know what
• 34:51
  Speaker 4: I mean. So it's like yeah, I open up. Yeah,
• 34:54
  Speaker 4: like like many women, you know, it's like I had
• 34:57
  Speaker 4: zero context on what a penis even looked like growing up,
• 35:01
  Speaker 4: and I had and I was a big fan of
• 35:04
  Speaker 4: like dry humping, and so I had a boyfriend.
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: Let me ask you a quick questions, Sorry to interduct
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: when dry umping is someone climax during that in their pants?
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: Is that what happens with dry humping?
• 35:17
  Speaker 4: You know?
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: Have you not try hunt? I mean not in recent times.
• 35:21
  Speaker 4: I think I got off. Well I haven't been recent
• 35:23
  Speaker 4: times either, But like when I was a teenager, Oh
• 35:26
  Speaker 4: my god, my mom is going to kill me. When
• 35:29
  Speaker 4: I was a teenager, I was a big fan of
• 35:32
  Speaker 4: dry hunting because yeah, I would like get off like I.
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: Okay, So it's like masturbating over the past which teenager.
• 35:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, like the jeans would rub it the bits
• 35:44
  Speaker 4: in the right place, you know what I mean.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: I have a rudder, like a rudder when you have
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: jeans with a thick seam, that is a good jewel
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: to use to masturbate.
• 35:53
  Speaker 4: I will, yeah, exactly. Corduroy is very effective. But yeah,
• 35:59
  Speaker 4: So I had a boyfriend who was older than me,
• 36:02
  Speaker 4: and I could tell he wanted more than dry humping,
• 36:05
  Speaker 4: and I was like, okay. And at the time, there
• 36:08
  Speaker 4: was this show on HBO. I don't know if you
• 36:10
  Speaker 4: had ever heard of it or watched it, called Real Sex,
• 36:13
  Speaker 4: And there was a woman named lou Paguett who was
• 36:15
  Speaker 4: like she wrote a book called The Big O and
• 36:18
  Speaker 4: she was older than dirt and she just was like
• 36:22
  Speaker 4: her very own porn star. And she had a class
• 36:25
  Speaker 4: that was in Beverly Hills, and I don't know how
• 36:28
  Speaker 4: I came upon it, but I was like, oh, I
• 36:31
  Speaker 4: need to take this class. So I took this class.
• 36:34
  Speaker 4: There were about eight of us there. We were each handed.
• 36:37
  Speaker 4: There was like a plate, like a fine china plate
• 36:39
  Speaker 4: was in front of us. And when she went around
• 36:41
  Speaker 4: the room and we each got to pick out our dildos.
• 36:43
  Speaker 4: So everyone got like a respectable six inch dildo full
• 36:47
  Speaker 4: of veins and everything. They were all circumcised and then
• 36:51
  Speaker 4: she was like, all right, ladies, like let's open up
• 36:53
  Speaker 4: the back of those throats. These dildos aren't going to
• 36:56
  Speaker 4: jack off by themselves. And she just taught us to
• 36:59
  Speaker 4: de sense ties like the gag reflex, taught us like
• 37:02
  Speaker 4: different like hand techniques really broke down the pan. And
• 37:06
  Speaker 4: I'm a very analytical person, so it's like for me,
• 37:10
  Speaker 4: it was hard to unleash that sexual side of me
• 37:13
  Speaker 4: if it was just like because again I didn't I
• 37:15
  Speaker 4: was a late bloomer, Like sex was not something that
• 37:17
  Speaker 4: we talked about in my household with my mom. So
• 37:20
  Speaker 4: I didn't understand, and so but when she broke it
• 37:23
  Speaker 4: down like anatomically and the veins and the nerve endings
• 37:27
  Speaker 4: and the whole thing, and I was like, oh, okay,
• 37:30
  Speaker 4: now I get it. And then I just love it.
• 37:35
  Speaker 4: I just love it. And and and the perspective of
• 37:38
  Speaker 4: the book like again, because the book is for women
• 37:40
  Speaker 4: written through a female lens. It's all about women empowerment.
• 37:44
  Speaker 4: You know, the the nights where it's like you could
• 37:46
  Speaker 4: not be bothered with sex, but you know, you know,
• 37:50
  Speaker 4: you know, you want to put something out there. It's
• 37:52
  Speaker 4: the nights where the hands of Tom Brady himself would
• 37:55
  Speaker 4: get slapped away. If you can learn to give a
• 37:57
  Speaker 4: good blowye, it's literally helping hand.
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 38:01
  Speaker 4: It's like the amount of times you can give a
• 38:03
  Speaker 4: good blow job and in like fucking three minutes flat,
• 38:07
  Speaker 4: your husband's asleep, your partner's asleep, and you're back to
• 38:10
  Speaker 4: reading your book, Like that's the only thing I care about.
• 38:12
  Speaker 4: How quickly can I get back to my book? So yeah,
• 38:15
  Speaker 4: it's just like the best thing ever.
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: So I know you say you wanted to live your
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: life without any regrets. When you think about your life
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: now and like present day, what is your biggest regret
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: or do you have.
• 38:28
  Speaker 4: One, Chelsea, I don't have one. Wow, I don't have one.
• 38:33
  Speaker 4: The amount of times I have, you know, And I
• 38:35
  Speaker 4: talk about this in the book the failure in fucking
• 38:37
  Speaker 4: up chapters, like the amount of times I, you know,
• 38:43
  Speaker 4: fucked up, overreached to a guy, got too drunk, cheated,
• 38:48
  Speaker 4: all of those things. I learned something so valuable from
• 38:51
  Speaker 4: those that I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. You know.
• 38:55
  Speaker 4: It's like, I look back on my life so far,
• 38:58
  Speaker 4: and every miss step, I am so glad that I
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: took it because it allows me to be the person
• 39:04
  Speaker 4: that I am now. And I really like the person
• 39:07
  Speaker 4: who puts down her head at night. I really like
• 39:10
  Speaker 4: the person who was mothering her three children. I like
• 39:13
  Speaker 4: the example that I'm setting. I like that I'm able
• 39:15
  Speaker 4: to look at my crazy because I can be fucking
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: crazy and say I'm glad for every chance that I
• 39:22
  Speaker 4: took where I showed my crazy because the right people stayed.
• 39:27
  Speaker 4: And yeah, I don't have any regrets.
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: I love that answer. The book is called Life is lifey.
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: This is Sarah Shahe's new book that's out and we
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: are going to take a break and we're going to
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: be right.
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: Back, and we're back with Sarah Shahey.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: So you know Sarah from Sex Life, you know her
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: from The L Word, you know her from Paradise person
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: of Interest, right, and now she has a new book
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: where she talks about getting divorced, growing into her best
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: version of her womanhood.
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: And living life.
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: I think at living life out, I like saying that
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: living life out, yeah, because you kind of have to.
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: You have to. I want to.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: I always wanted to have a loud life when I
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: was little, and you know, I didn't know what that
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: meant other than big. I just wanted a big opportunity
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: and big adventure and to say yes to things that
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: really are scaring. You know that scared me so and
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: I think that's a lot of you know, that's a
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: big theme in your book as well.
• 40:23
  Speaker 4: I'm like you. I grew up in a small town
• 40:25
  Speaker 4: in Texas, where I from a young age, I knew
• 40:29
  Speaker 4: I wanted more than what my little town was providing me.
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: I knew there was more out there, even though I
• 40:35
  Speaker 4: wasn't exposed to it. So I also was attracted to
• 40:38
  Speaker 4: this idea of just living this larger than life lifestyle
• 40:43
  Speaker 4: and That's what I was meant to do, and you know,
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: and it's really beautiful because I feel like now at
• 40:48
  Speaker 4: forty six, like I am living that version of my dreams.
• 40:54
  Speaker 4: I love it.
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: We're going to take some callers. Are you ready to
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: give some advice to women? I'm so Ready's or a
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: gay man?
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: We sometimes.
• 41:02
  Speaker 4: I love this well.
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: Our first question comes from Kendra.
• 41:07
  Speaker 3: This one's just an email, but I felt like it
• 41:09
  Speaker 3: was very appropriate for you, Sarah. So Kendra says, Dear Chelsea,
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: I'm a forty two year old mother of two teenagers
• 41:16
  Speaker 3: who's divorced from their dad. We were in a fifteen year,
• 41:19
  Speaker 3: unhealthy and sexless marriage. I have a new partner of
• 41:22
  Speaker 3: five years who is so kind, fun, smart, thoughtful, and
• 41:25
  Speaker 3: great with my kids. We live together and are having
• 41:28
  Speaker 3: a commitment ceremony this fall. The problem is our sex
• 41:31
  Speaker 3: life is lackluster at best. I've brought this up to
• 41:34
  Speaker 3: him many times, and it seems to fall on deaf ears.
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: At first.
• 41:37
  Speaker 3: He was very offended when I suggested we spice things
• 41:40
  Speaker 3: up and said he was happy with our sex life.
• 41:42
  Speaker 3: He claims I'm just more sexual than him. But I
• 41:44
  Speaker 3: feel so confused. What man doesn't want to have a
• 41:47
  Speaker 3: threesome or do literally anything he wants to me. The
• 41:50
  Speaker 3: relationship itself doesn't feel very sexual. I feel like I'm
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: in my prime and I want to have fun in
• 41:55
  Speaker 3: the bedroom and explore. He's the only man I've been
• 41:58
  Speaker 3: with since my divorce, so two men twenty two years.
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: I'm starting to feel a bit ripped off, and I'm
• 42:03
  Speaker 3: wondering if I can live with this type of vanilla
• 42:05
  Speaker 3: sex for the rest of my life. I'm starting to
• 42:07
  Speaker 3: understand why some people have affairs, which is horrible to
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: say and I never would, but I get it. Help Kendra, Oh,
• 42:13
  Speaker 3: Kendraw girl, I feel your pain.
• 42:16
  Speaker 4: Oh man, I understand there are a lot of good
• 42:20
  Speaker 4: things there, but then also you feel like you're not
• 42:24
  Speaker 4: getting your needs met in some way. I wonder in
• 42:27
  Speaker 4: those moments when you did bring it up to him,
• 42:32
  Speaker 4: I wonder if instead of making it a verbal communication,
• 42:36
  Speaker 4: can you just start doing it? Can you in the act,
• 42:41
  Speaker 4: can you just start directing the sex in the direction
• 42:45
  Speaker 4: that you want it to go when he is turned
• 42:49
  Speaker 4: on as well? Like, I wonder if that's a possibility,
• 42:52
  Speaker 4: if you've tried that or not. And I also feel
• 42:55
  Speaker 4: like at the end of the day, the good has
• 42:58
  Speaker 4: to outweigh the bad. And I don't know your relationship
• 43:01
  Speaker 4: other than the fact that he sounds like a very safe,
• 43:04
  Speaker 4: warm presence, which is beautiful. But I'm also somebody who
• 43:11
  Speaker 4: this is me personally speaking. I don't believe in lack
• 43:15
  Speaker 4: and I do believe that there is somebody out there
• 43:18
  Speaker 4: that can check all those boxes. I'm not telling you
• 43:21
  Speaker 4: not to have your commitment ceremony, but at the same time,
• 43:26
  Speaker 4: I do think you have to really get quiet with
• 43:29
  Speaker 4: yourself and ask yourself, is this about the lackluster sex
• 43:37
  Speaker 4: or could this lackluster energy also be translating into other areas,
• 43:43
  Speaker 4: Like is it just about the sex isn't fun? Or
• 43:46
  Speaker 4: is this a person who could be missing some kind
• 43:50
  Speaker 4: of that vitality in other areas as well. But maybe
• 43:54
  Speaker 4: you just notice it more in the sex, and is
• 43:55
  Speaker 4: that something you can live with.
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: I think when you have these kind of concerns before
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: or you're in a serious like you're about to make
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: a commit you know, have a commitment ceremony. I think
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: these kinds of concerns, like if you're a sexual being
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: and his reaction to that isn't oh my god, let's
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: fix this.
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: Let's get this figure it out.
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: Let's let's work together, let's get a sex therapist, or
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: let's figure it out together alone, Like, what can I
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: do to make you more give you more pleasure, or
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: be more sexually active, or initiate whatever your things are
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: like If someone isn't open to that, I don't think
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: those things get better as you stay together. I think
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: that y, you know, commitment leads to laziness a lot
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: in relationships. And I'm not saying this is applicable to
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: every relationship. I just think things become easier and you
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: get used to someone and you try less and you
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: don't try as hard. So if that's an issue for
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: you now, and you are a sexual being and you're
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: talking about potentially thinking about an affair, like, then if
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: you're if you want to go and have an affair
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: and do that, and you're okay with that, then do that.
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: But if you're not, which it sounds like you're not,
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: then you should really think about making a commitment to
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: this person because that is a major Sex is a
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: major component of a relationship for so many people, not
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: for everybody.
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: It doesn't sound like it is for the guy that.
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: You're you know, committing to but exactly, But for a
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: lot of us it is important. For me, that is
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: the number one thing, Like I am there for sex.
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: It's not the number one thing, sorry, but it's up
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: there like the top.
• 45:22
  Speaker 4: Like when the sex is not good, It's like, when
• 45:24
  Speaker 4: the sex is not good, the other problems become so
• 45:27
  Speaker 4: much more heightened. Yeah, it is. It is an important
• 45:30
  Speaker 4: part of the dynamic. And Chelsea is right. It's like
• 45:34
  Speaker 4: if there are signs already, like those red flags only
• 45:39
  Speaker 4: get redder after marriage, you know, they don't, they don't
• 45:42
  Speaker 4: go away. And and you should be in a relationship
• 45:46
  Speaker 4: where you can talk about the hard things and it's
• 45:49
  Speaker 4: received with curiosity and interest and and you know, I
• 45:53
  Speaker 4: understand if you are criticizing a man's you know, sexual appetite,
• 45:58
  Speaker 4: how they might at first get a little flustered by it.
• 46:01
  Speaker 4: But at the end of the day, like if there
• 46:03
  Speaker 4: isn't that interest to get on the same page, maybe
• 46:07
  Speaker 4: he doesn't want to do a three way, maybe his
• 46:09
  Speaker 4: answer would be something else, you know, But you're right, Chelsea,
• 46:12
  Speaker 4: like the the interests to explore together should be there.
• 46:17
  Speaker 4: If this is a man that you're going to make
• 46:18
  Speaker 4: a commitment to.
• 46:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and I think take steps like do the
• 46:23
  Speaker 3: therapy Chelsea talked about, and also like get his levels
• 46:26
  Speaker 3: checked because this could be something as simple as like
• 46:28
  Speaker 3: he's got some low tigue going on or whatever and
• 46:31
  Speaker 3: his libido is low.
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So like, but I do like what you.
• 46:34
  Speaker 3: Say, Sarah, but like he should be responding with curiosity.
• 46:37
  Speaker 3: But like just take all the steps, like see what
• 46:40
  Speaker 3: you can see, see if it's fixable, and if it's not, then.
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: You've got, you know, some decisions to make potentially.
• 46:45
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and don't ignore the fact that you're second guessing
• 46:49
  Speaker 4: right now, Like that's that's that's that's a part of you,
• 46:52
  Speaker 4: that's your higher self, that's somehow that's communicating to you.
• 46:55
  Speaker 4: So don't brush it under the rug thinking it's going
• 46:58
  Speaker 4: to go away, because it won't go away.
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: Right as a fifty year old woman, Like your sex
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: drive only increases as you get older, So if you're
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: already somebody who is interested in sex, it's going to
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: get more and more.
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: You're going to be more and more interested.
• 47:11
  Speaker 4: So that's changed my underwear a couple of times a day.
• 47:14
  Speaker 4: And I'm not even with anybody.
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: So and I'm older than you, Kendra, Oh my God,
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: I gotta send that to my friend and she doesn't
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: wear underwear, and I was like, listen, that is So
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: she goes, why I need a net to catch whatever
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: is coming out? She goes, what's coming out? I'm like,
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: all sorts of stuff? What are you talking about? Nothing's
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: coming out of your vagina into your underwear. And I'm like,
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: she's like, I don't see anything. I'm like, that's because
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: it's on your jeans. You're so disgusting. God, But I mean, yeah,
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: there's things, guys coming in and out of your vaginas,
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: hopefully more in and out.
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: But listen, that's what happens. It's natural, and it's nature.
• 47:53
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and it's beautiful. I love it.
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: It is beautiful. That's a great way to look at it.
• 47:57
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 47:58
  Speaker 3: Well, our color today is he's this, dear Chelsea. A
• 48:02
  Speaker 3: month ago, my relationship of nearly three years ended. I
• 48:06
  Speaker 3: pride myself on my intuition, but what often gets in
• 48:09
  Speaker 3: my way is empathy, giving people the benefit of the doubt,
• 48:11
  Speaker 3: especially those I invest deeply in My ex and I
• 48:15
  Speaker 3: had a nineteen year age gap. I'm twenty nine, he's
• 48:18
  Speaker 3: forty eight. Unconventional, but it worked in many ways. As
• 48:21
  Speaker 3: the child of a therapist. I'm emotionally self aware and
• 48:23
  Speaker 3: have spent years working on myself. Over time, it became
• 48:26
  Speaker 3: clear that my partner wasn't at the same level of
• 48:29
  Speaker 3: emotional development. I've learned to meet people where they are
• 48:31
  Speaker 3: without judgment and show up fully. He came out at
• 48:34
  Speaker 3: twenty six, after growing up Catholic and nearly becoming a
• 48:37
  Speaker 3: priest to avoid being openly gay. Knowing this made me
• 48:40
  Speaker 3: patient with his struggles around communication, commitment, and unhealthy patterns
• 48:45
  Speaker 3: like alcoholism. I saw him fully and still chose him,
• 48:48
  Speaker 3: even knowing I might deserve someone who had already worked
• 48:50
  Speaker 3: through those issues. Throughout the relationship, there were repeated instances
• 48:54
  Speaker 3: of him flirting with other men online emoji reactions, compliments messages.
• 48:59
  Speaker 3: I raised this many times. He insisted it wasn't cheating,
• 49:02
  Speaker 3: framing it as a self esteem issue and a need
• 49:05
  Speaker 3: for validation. Despite my gut telling me it wouldn't stop,
• 49:08
  Speaker 3: I stayed. Then I went against my own rule and
• 49:11
  Speaker 3: looked at his phone and saw nude photos from someone
• 49:13
  Speaker 3: who was quote just a friend, with my partner actively
• 49:16
  Speaker 3: flirting back now here. I am heartbroken, but clear that
• 49:20
  Speaker 3: something wasn't right. I'm grateful for any advice you can
• 49:22
  Speaker 3: offer on how to get past the cheating, and more importantly,
• 49:25
  Speaker 3: how I can stop my sense of empathy from allowing
• 49:28
  Speaker 3: other people to mistreat me in the future. Thanks for
• 49:30
  Speaker 3: the clarity, humor, and guidance you provide to people navigating uncertainty.
• 49:34
  Speaker 3: It truly matters.
• 49:35
  Speaker 4: Wyat, Hi Wyatt, Hi Hi Wyat.
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: Hello.
• 49:40
  Speaker 7: So let's leat both of you.
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: I like that you're standing up like an audition, like,
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: oh you are okay.
• 49:47
  Speaker 2: I was like, is this a mugshot?
• 49:48
  Speaker 4: I didn't know what was a very long tour, so.
• 49:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you must be very long waist short tour.
• 49:53
  Speaker 4: So so I'm glad it's all frame perfect.
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: It's the framing. The framing is giant.
• 49:58
  Speaker 4: You are giant. Love it.
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: This is our special guest, Sarah Shahe obviously, So I'm
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: first of all, did you you ended the relationship when
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: you found when you found those photos on his phone?
• 50:10
  Speaker 7: It was an ending out of anger, and in the
• 50:14
  Speaker 7: moment of ending it, we had met about ten days
• 50:18
  Speaker 7: later to actually like discuss in a healthy manner of conversation,
• 50:23
  Speaker 7: which really wasn't a conversation. It was just him deciding
• 50:25
  Speaker 7: he didn't want to be in a relationship. So that's
• 50:29
  Speaker 7: kind of how it ended to me. It was more
• 50:31
  Speaker 7: of a discard rather than a let's figure this out
• 50:34
  Speaker 7: or what the next step forward is.
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: Right right, Well, first of all, it's great news that
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: that relationship has ended. It may not feel great in
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: this moment, but you're going to be grateful as you move.
• 50:44
  Speaker 2: Through your life and heal from this that that person
• 50:47
  Speaker 2: it's not a match.
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: You don't want anyone that's being deceitful or that's looking
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: at nude pictures online, Like that's not what you're looking for.
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: You're looking for honesty, openness, transparency, right exactly. So I
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: think I mean we're just talking about this.
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: Sarah just wrote a new book.
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: It's called Life Is Lifey The a disease Navigating Life's
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: messy middle, which is on the subject matter of breaking
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: up in.
• 51:12
  Speaker 2: New beginnings, kind of owning your own power.
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: And so while I understand you're hurt and you're disappointed
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: and you're heartbroken, like, these are all tools that are
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: going to bring you closer to a person who is
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: going to appreciate you and is going to understand you.
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: And by moving on through this relationship, and out of
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: this relationship.
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: There is going to be a rebirth. There's going to be.
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: A new version of you that you can look forward
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: to getting to know. And that's the most exciting thing
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: about breaking up that no one ever tells you, is
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: that you are going to bloom and blossom in ways
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: that you did not know.
• 51:46
  Speaker 2: That's just the way the world works.
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: You're not going to sit here and wallow and self
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: pity or be upset for years and years and years.
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: That's just not going to happen. You're going to meet
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: other people, You're going to be interested in other people.
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: And I think the most crucial thing to do is
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: to really not try to push any of it away.
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: Just experience the breakup, Experience the loss, the grief, Welcome it.
• 52:06
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: They say like, if you allow yourself to cry and
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: be in pain, it lasts for like ninety seconds and
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: then it's over. And it's kind of true. I mean,
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: and maybe it's less than ninety seconds. It's something small
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: like that. It's not over for good, but you move
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: through that, you know. So my advice to you is
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: to not resist the moment that you're in and resist
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: the reality that you're in. But to look at it
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: with open arms and have an attitude of love. Like
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: you don't have to be angry at that guy or
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: your ex. You don't have to be mad at him.
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: You have to just learn you to understand that certain
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: people aren't meant for us, and it's a gift when
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: we are separated from them, even if it's from the
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: other person doing it, it is a gift. It's getting
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: you closer to your real happiness, and maybe that happiness
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: involves you spending some time alone so that you know,
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: getting to really sit with yourself and make making sure
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: that you're looking for any of those red flags the
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: next time, you know what I mean, So you're not
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: making the same kind of choices twice. I think that
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: is the best like advice in life is to try
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: not to make the same mistake twice. It kind of
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: redirects what you're willing to tolerate, you know, from different people.
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: It's like, I don't want to have that I dated
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: an asshole once. I'm not saying your guy was an asshole,
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: but I dated an asshole once. I didn't want to
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: ever date an asshole twice, and I have it. You know,
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: I've dated different kinds of assholes, but never the same
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: type of asshole, you know, And like I like to
• 53:31
  Speaker 1: look at that, I like to look at life through
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: that lens, like it's if something doesn't work out, great,
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: that won't happen again the next time. I'm going to
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: find something, you know, I'm going to find something different,
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: or I'm going to find something that.
• 53:42
  Speaker 2: Does work out.
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: So I would my advice would be that is to
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: just sit in this moment and you know, talk about
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: it when you need to talk about it. Hire a
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: therapist if you don't have one already, to help you
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: work through it and also develop better. Like I don't
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: want to insult your judgment because it's not about your judgment,
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: but you have to know.
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: Exactly what you're looking for.
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: So like Sarah, we've been talking about this, like getting
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: to know what you need, what you want, how to
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: be your most authentic self so that you're attracting the
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: type of person that respects, that recognizes it and lucks it,
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: you know, and wants to be with you, and that
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: all all that work is kind of what has to
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: happen after each breakup.
• 54:23
  Speaker 7: Yeah, no, I fully agree on all of that.
• 54:26
  Speaker 4: First of all, why I'm so sorry for your heartbreak,
• 54:29
  Speaker 4: like I know it sucks. And Chelsea said so many
• 54:33
  Speaker 4: incredible things, and I can tell that you are an
• 54:37
  Speaker 4: incredible human and you have this light that radiates through
• 54:40
  Speaker 4: your audition looking frame. But on top of everything that
• 54:46
  Speaker 4: Chelsea said, which is so true, there's a couple things
• 54:48
  Speaker 4: I thought of that I want I would love for
• 54:50
  Speaker 4: you to think about. You said that you can meet
• 54:53
  Speaker 4: people where they're at. Per my experience, you can only
• 54:57
  Speaker 4: meet people as deeply as they've met them. And it
• 55:02
  Speaker 4: doesn't sound like and it doesn't sound like your ex
• 55:06
  Speaker 4: has met himself very deeply, even though he is, you know,
• 55:09
  Speaker 4: twenty years older than you. I'm sure the relationship gave
• 55:13
  Speaker 4: you a lot of wonderful things to think on, learn,
• 55:18
  Speaker 4: chew on. And the other thing I wanted I wanted
• 55:23
  Speaker 4: to say is God, Chelsea said so many good things.
• 55:26
  Speaker 4: Just because you are good for somebody doesn't mean they
• 55:32
  Speaker 4: are good for you. So to speak to the part
• 55:37
  Speaker 4: of you that feels because because I'm I'm very much
• 55:40
  Speaker 4: like you, my heart is so soft and I have
• 55:43
  Speaker 4: you know, when you're an EmPATH, you have so much
• 55:46
  Speaker 4: empathy for the other person you can rationalize their bad behavior,
• 55:50
  Speaker 4: and it makes you soft, and it makes you want
• 55:52
  Speaker 4: to forgive, and it makes you want to take them back.
• 55:55
  Speaker 4: But kurr of the work that I've done, And your
• 55:57
  Speaker 4: mom is a therapist, so you might be doing this
• 55:59
  Speaker 4: stuff already. What I learned is that that that's not empathy.
• 56:04
  Speaker 4: That's me trying to prove my worth to somebody. My
• 56:08
  Speaker 4: father left when I was very young, and I spent
• 56:11
  Speaker 4: a large portion of my young adult life trying to
• 56:14
  Speaker 4: prove and I thought I was the reason why he left,
• 56:17
  Speaker 4: Like I thought I wasn't a good enough daughter. So
• 56:19
  Speaker 4: every time he came back, I would like I would
• 56:22
  Speaker 4: be like a cat in between his legs, like trying
• 56:24
  Speaker 4: to purr on him and sit on his lap and
• 56:26
  Speaker 4: just like do whatever I could to make sure he
• 56:28
  Speaker 4: didn't leave again, because if he picked me, I knew
• 56:31
  Speaker 4: I was worthy. So I started imitating those same patterns
• 56:36
  Speaker 4: in my relationships, and I would have partners like that
• 56:39
  Speaker 4: would leave and I would I again, this is because
• 56:42
  Speaker 4: I want to prove, because there's a story in my
• 56:44
  Speaker 4: brain that in order for me to be loved, I
• 56:46
  Speaker 4: have to prove that I am worthy, that I am
• 56:48
  Speaker 4: good enough. So I would start doing that stuff, and
• 56:51
  Speaker 4: I would not have any boundaries. I would let the
• 56:55
  Speaker 4: person cheat on me, throw things at me, push me,
• 56:58
  Speaker 4: spit in my face, do whatever, and then they would
• 57:01
  Speaker 4: come back and apologize. And because I was like, yeah,
• 57:05
  Speaker 4: I can understan, Yeah, okay, well they were really drunk
• 57:08
  Speaker 4: or they were high, or yeah you were just angry,
• 57:11
  Speaker 4: and you know, I'm going to allow for you to
• 57:12
  Speaker 4: be who you are. I would accept that. I would
• 57:15
  Speaker 4: accept it when it's like no, because those things I
• 57:19
  Speaker 4: don't deserve to be treated like that. Nobody deserves to
• 57:21
  Speaker 4: be treated like that. Or I should say that's not
• 57:24
  Speaker 4: the type of relationship that's for me. Maybe for somebody
• 57:28
  Speaker 4: else they enjoy that kind of thing. That's not what
• 57:32
  Speaker 4: I'm looking for for my nervous system. And at the
• 57:35
  Speaker 4: end of the day, I think you should be you know,
• 57:39
  Speaker 4: not that I'm trying to sit here and sell a
• 57:40
  Speaker 4: copy of my book, but hey, why not if you can. Uh.
• 57:44
  Speaker 4: I do talk about like marriage and breakups and all that. Well,
• 57:47
  Speaker 4: I know you guys weren't married, but just breakups in
• 57:49
  Speaker 4: the book, and your life is going to open up
• 57:52
  Speaker 4: in so many marvelous ways, Like this man did you
• 57:56
  Speaker 4: a favor. He did you a favor. So if anything,
• 58:00
  Speaker 4: it's like bless him, send him on his way. And
• 58:03
  Speaker 4: anytime you have those feelings, like Chelsea said, let them
• 58:06
  Speaker 4: come out, that's beautiful. That just shows you the depths
• 58:09
  Speaker 4: of like your love. So and as often as you can,
• 58:12
  Speaker 4: try to turn it back to that as opposed to
• 58:15
  Speaker 4: being like how much you miss him, make it more
• 58:17
  Speaker 4: about yourself than what a beautiful human you are and
• 58:20
  Speaker 4: how much you're expanding.
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's something that we were just talking about
• 58:26
  Speaker 1: that Wyatt before you were on is just when you
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: get heartbroken, or you get your heart broken, your part
• 58:31
  Speaker 1: comes back together, the pieces come back together, and it
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: makes a stronger heart, Like you become stronger and you
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: become I just want to circle back because you were
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: talking about empathy and being an EmPATH and like, don't
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: confuse empathy with codependency. Like those two things are very
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: close together. So when you're being so empathetic that you're
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: allowing behaviors to exist because of what they've been through
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: without having your own standards and boundaries in place, then
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: that's a codependency. That's just allowing behavior and working around
• 59:04
  Speaker 1: someone else's problems and they're not working around yours. So
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: for you your next relationship, I want you to focus
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: on having an equal relationship where you're both equally caring
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: of the other person. And it can be imbalanced at times,
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: but overall, when you look at like a spreadsheet, you
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: both have to be putting in the same amount of
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: effort towards each other and towards understanding, like caring, thinking
• 59:29
  Speaker 1: about the other person, wondering how they're doing.
• 59:31
  Speaker 2: It can't be once.
• 59:32
  Speaker 1: It can't be lopsided because that just develops into a
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: codependency and it's like bad, bad habits, and those are
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: hard to break after you develop them.
• 59:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and then one more thing that Chelsea just reminded
• 59:44
  Speaker 4: me of too. I hope this is all helpful, Okay, okay.
• 59:50
  Speaker 4: And when Chelsea was talking about bad behaviors and choosing
• 59:55
  Speaker 4: differently in the future, I had a partner actually teach
• 59:59
  Speaker 4: this to me, and I thought this was brilliant. When
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 4: someone makes a mistake, right, they do something that is
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 4: clearly not right okay, or doesn't work whatever however you
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 4: want to label it, that can be an accident. Okay,
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 4: I did this, It's an accident. I'm sorry. It's not
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 4: going to happen again. That can be labeled as a mistake.
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 4: When it keeps happening, when it's repetitive, that's no longer
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 4: an accident. That's who they are. That is chosen behavior,
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 4: and that is who they are. So and then there's
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 4: that great you know. I don't remember if it was
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 4: Oprah or My Angelou who said it, but it was
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 4: like when people show it was my Angelou. When people
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 4: show you who they are, believe them. Yeah, you know exactly.
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: So if you take everything we said, Wyat like, you
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: have a lot to look forward to, So be gentle
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: with yourself and like getting through this period and then
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: get excited about what the future has to offer.
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 2: You're twenty nine years old, you're gonna fall in off
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 2: and you're probably a few times.
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 4: You haven't even suffered twink death. You look great. Thank
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 4: you so much. Yes, Like, if this is what your
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 4: torso looks like, I can only mate a half. So
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 4: it's all downhill money you are. You are good to go,
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 4: my friend. That's so sweet.
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 2: Thanks for calling him.
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 4: Why of course, thank you for the time space to listen.
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah for sure. Oh what a sweetie. I know, so sweet, Wyatt.
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 4: You guys gave such good advice to him. He's going
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 4: to do He's going to do great. He's going to
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 4: do great.
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 2: He's going to flourish.
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 7: He is.
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 4: Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 4: to wrap up.
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 2: Okay, and we're going to take a break.
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: Okay, we are taking a break, and we're back with
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: Sarah Shaty. Her new book is called Life Is Lifey
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 1: The a Disease Navigating Life's messy middle and you can
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: also find her in the upcoming seasons of Hulu's Paradise
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: and the upcoming sequel to Red White and Royal Blue. Okay,
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 1: what do we have to close this out today, Catherine?
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 3: I mean, I do have a quickie if you're ready
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 3: for a quickie, already have.
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 2: A minute for a quickie?
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah? What's a quickie without a person?
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 6: Oh?
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 4: Oh? I was like, what are we doing, ladies?
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like not a very complicated Chloe. We just need
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 2: you straight a quick Gloe. I don't know if your
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 2: Ti Joe at your house.
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 4: I didn't see this email.
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 3: We'll finish up with our one drink question, which is
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 3: Dear Chelsea. Last year for her birthday and Christmas, our
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 3: niece's response to our gift was let's just say, less
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 3: than enthusiastic. Plus, she made a rude comment. She's nine.
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 3: We didn't say anything to her, but later my husband
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 3: talked to his sister and let her know that her
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 3: daughter's lack of gratitude and rude comment hurt. His sister
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 3: did not take this very well. She thought we were
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 3: attacking her parenting rather than asking for her to teach
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 3: her kid to give.
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 2: A polite thank you.
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 3: His sister has asked us not to give her her
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 3: children presence and told us they wouldn't even notice if
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 3: they got gifts from us or not. Last time we
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 3: saw them, his sister was chilly. We have a family
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 3: event coming up. Should I address this with her? Thanks Sissy?
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: I mean, well, it's obvious where she got her manners from,
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: I mean.
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 2: Her mother.
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 4: What I was thinking, like, what the fuck?
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: First of all, please and thank you are the first
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 1: two phrases you should learn. Please and thank you, thank you,
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 1: thank you, thank you.
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 4: I have a thought, Chelsea, do you go?
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 2: You go ahead? Because you're a mother.
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 1: I always have to think things through because when I
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 1: don't have kids, I have to think about what the
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 1: right thing is.
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 4: You go first, okay. And by the way, I appreciate
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 4: that because the amount of times people without you know, kids,
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 4: want to just give their advice like it's the facts.
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 4: So I appreciate that you have that awareness. I would say,
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 4: what are you looking for? What would your intention be
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 4: for bringing it up? Are you looking to resolve something
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 4: or get a different way of behavior out of her,
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 4: or are you wanting to just express something from yourself?
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 4: So I would get really clear on what your intention
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 4: is if you did bring it up. If you're bringing
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 4: it up to try to adjust her behavior, I'm not
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 4: sure if you would be successful at that, and if anything,
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 4: you might just create a really bad situation for everybody,
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 4: Whereas if you just chose to be neutral, maybe the
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 4: energy would be a little bit better. But if it's
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 4: something you feel like you need to say regardless of
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 4: what her response is, I am more aligned with that
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 4: kind of stuff because then it's for you. It's not
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 4: because you're trying. You don't have an expectation of the
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 4: other person. So that's a tough one. But again i'd
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 4: be like, if you're looking to change her behavior, I
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 4: don't know if it would be worth it.
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: But if I just based on your last interaction or
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: the last interaction when she was confronted with her child's behavior.
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: It doesn't seem like she's in a place or a
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: state of mind to take that on like or to
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: have any accountability for why her She's obviously embarrassed that
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 1: her daughter acts like that, and instead of admitting that,
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: she's covering up for it and defensive like, oh, that
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: she doesn't need gifts from you, Like that's that's an
• 1:05:14
  Speaker 1: even more childish thing to say than what the daughter said,
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 1: you know, by not showing gratitude, but also you know,
• 1:05:22
  Speaker 1: like just great, don't get her any more gifts.
• 1:05:24
  Speaker 2: The girl doesn't know how to say thank you. She
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 2: won't get any more gifts from you.
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 1: And that behavior is going to surface and resurface and
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 1: resurface like she's nine years old.
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 2: It's not gonna get it's gonna get worse before it
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 2: gets better.
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 1: If it does get better, but it's gonna happen again
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 1: in some rude way.
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 2: She's gonna be rude in some other way.
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 1: And I guess what I would say is not to
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 1: address the issue unless it's a birthday situation and you
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 1: don't bring a gift, and then you can be like
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 1: you told us not to give her a gift.
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 2: She doesn't you know, you said she wouldn't care, Like I.
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 1: Would only bring it up if it's pertinent to what
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: had happened.
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 2: But this is going to recur with her with the.
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 4: Girl, and this is that the last time the mom
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 4: is going to hear this.
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 1: So I think you're gonna have other opportunities instead of
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 1: focusing on something that transpired a while ago, Why don't
• 1:06:13
  Speaker 1: you wait for the next opportunity and then bring it
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: up in the moment. There you go, So you're not
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 1: harping on anything, you know, So that would be my advice. Yeah,
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 1: don't say anything now, wait it wait, wait it out,
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 1: and I will reveal itself again, Sarah. I just wanted
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 1: to recognize the fact that you're Iranian, yeah, and Persian,
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 1: and ask you if you have any family in Iran
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 1: right now.
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 4: I have a lot of family. I have a lot
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 4: of family. My uncle actually got shot a couple of
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 4: weeks ago. He was caught in the crossfires and they
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 4: had a really hard time getting him in the hospital.
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 4: He's fine. They were able to get the bullet out.
• 1:06:56
  Speaker 4: He was driving to work, and yeah, it's really awful,
• 1:06:59
  Speaker 4: and I pray for the situation over there to change.
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 4: Growing up, being Persian is something that was always looked
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 4: down upon, you know. I think the outside world believes
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 4: that the Iranian citizens are like the government and that
• 1:07:16
  Speaker 4: every Persian is a terrorist, and there was always this
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 4: stigma around it. But I really really hope and pray
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 4: that situations change, things change over there and the world
• 1:07:28
  Speaker 4: can get to know Iran and its people for the
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 4: beautiful citizens that they are. It's such a rich culture.
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 4: It's such a diverse culture. It's like deeply immersed in
• 1:07:37
  Speaker 4: poetry and beauty and songs, and you know, even there
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 4: are no history books, even the history books that reflected
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 4: the beauty that Iran had, even those have just been erased.
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 4: So yeah, it's tough. I talk about it with my
• 1:07:55
  Speaker 4: family every day. We don't really have a way to
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 4: get in touch with anyone over there. It's pretty sad.
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 4: And I'm just praying for a miracle.
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I am too. I am too. It feels
• 1:08:04
  Speaker 2: like the whole world needs a miracle. We need a
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 2: like that.
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 1: All the systems feel like they're about to break, you know,
• 1:08:10
  Speaker 1: like yes.
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 4: And I just I and you know, and the people
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 4: over there. They're so desperate. They have nothing to lose anymore.
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 4: It's like my I have a lot of family over there,
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 4: aunts and uncles. They can't afford electricity, you know, they
• 1:08:23
  Speaker 4: can't afford food. I mean, inflation is so high. It's
• 1:08:27
  Speaker 4: like if you want to go out and buy a chicken,
• 1:08:30
  Speaker 4: it's like one hundred dollars. You know. It's just it's
• 1:08:32
  Speaker 4: insane how little these people have. And that's why they've
• 1:08:36
  Speaker 4: just taken to the streets now, because they they're dead anyway,
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 4: there is nothing to lose anymore. But they need help.
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 4: They need help if they're going to instigate any kind
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 4: of change.
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know.
• 1:08:46
  Speaker 1: It's like, I mean, yeah, that's a whole other political conversation.
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 4: Exactly exactly, one in which you know, yeah, we don't
• 1:08:53
  Speaker 4: get into. But I really just pray that, uh, in
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 4: this time of upheaval, you know that the analogy of
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 4: things needing to break down in order to rebuild better.
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 4: I really hope that applies, yeah for everybody.
• 1:09:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think so. I wonder I think that's true.
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 1: I wonder how many years that takes, you know, like,
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 1: or is it going to happen in our lifetime or
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 1: is this going to be one hundred year thing?
• 1:09:18
  Speaker 2: Like, are we going to see the change we need
• 1:09:22
  Speaker 2: to go?
• 1:09:22
  Speaker 1: I read this really interesting thing on Instagram this morning.
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: It was a quote about how we were a matriarchal
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 1: society for two hundred and fifty thousand years and for
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 1: the ten thousand years that we've been a patriarchal society,
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 1: shit has hit the fan and we've had more wars,
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 1: We've had more like, you know, just depravity. Especially in
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 1: light of all the news circulating right now, it's like
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 1: we are in a situation where women have taken like
• 1:09:46
  Speaker 1: a second class citizen role at the expense of humanity.
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 4: Yes, and I really think that, you know, going back
• 1:09:55
  Speaker 4: to the themes that we talk about too, it's like
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 4: the reason why that happened, and that's this is important
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 4: for every woman listener of your of your podcast and
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 4: your platform to know is because we are so strong.
• 1:10:09
  Speaker 4: We are the creators, Like the universe made us the
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 4: creators for a reason, Like societies from the beginning of
• 1:10:17
  Speaker 4: time have been so intimidated by the natural power that
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 4: women hold. And it's just important for us to remember
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 4: and do whatever we can, big or small to help
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 4: tip that scale.
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And it was comparing societies to like all animal societies,
• 1:10:35
  Speaker 1: you know how they're like the of the male lines
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 1: ousted out of the group because he's not helpful, you
• 1:10:39
  Speaker 1: know that, how like all of these But seria, it's true,
• 1:10:43
  Speaker 1: like it's all matriarchal and animals, elephants, lions, like all
• 1:10:47
  Speaker 1: of it. They're just like you guys aren't allowed to
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 1: be here. You're violent, you're scary, and you're you're brawny.
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 1: But don't adding, don't confuse right brawn with like that's
• 1:10:58
  Speaker 1: for labor, you know what I mean, that's not for
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 1: running societies.
• 1:11:02
  Speaker 4: So men have made such a mess of things.
• 1:11:04
  Speaker 3: I think like, let's just get all of them out
• 1:11:05
  Speaker 3: of power, and it's time for women to have a turn,
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 3: and let's just see if we can turn this around.
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 2: I think we can.
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 4: And I love men. You know, I'm not sitting here
• 1:11:12
  Speaker 4: as you know, a man hater like saying this. I
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 4: love men, and I think there's a very important role
• 1:11:18
  Speaker 4: for them to play. But the tips of the scale
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 4: of masculinity has become so unhealthy that we need to
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 4: find that balance again.
• 1:11:29
  Speaker 1: Sarah loved hanging out with you so much fun talking.
• 1:11:33
  Speaker 4: To you you as well, Chelsea, thank you so much.
• 1:11:36
  Speaker 4: This has been such a privilege.
• 1:11:37
  Speaker 2: It was so fun.
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: And the book is called Life Is Lifey the a
• 1:11:42
  Speaker 1: disease navigating Life's messy middle. So please grab yourself a copy.
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 1: And I hope to see you in person at some point, Sarah.
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 4: I hope so too. I hope so too. Yes, we'll
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 4: be dripping in all kinds of goodness.
• 1:11:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we'll practice our blowjobs together. That'll be something I
• 1:11:56
  Speaker 2: look forward to.
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 4: That would be fun, fun. Take care, we'll switch dips. Okay, great,
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 4: All right, bye, ladies, Thank you so much, have a
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 4: great day.
• 1:12:05
  Speaker 1: Okay, guys, I am officially on my high and mighty tour.
• 1:12:09
  Speaker 1: March thirteenth, Cleveland, Ohio. March fourteenth, Columbus, Ohio. March fifteenth, Cincinnati, Ohio.
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 1: And then March twentieth is Denver, Colorado. March twenty seventh, Portland, Maine.
• 1:12:20
  Speaker 1: March twenty eighth, Providence, Rhode Island. March twenty ninth, Springfield, Massachusetts.
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 1: April tenth is Chicago. I'll be at the Chicago Theater
• 1:12:30
  Speaker 1: in April eleventh. Indianapolis, Indiana. April twelfth, Louisville, Kentucky. April
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 1: sixteenth is Albuquerque, New Mexico. April seventeenth is Masa, Arizona.
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 1: April twenty third is Kansas City, Missouri. April twenty fourth
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 1: is Saint Louis, Missouri. April twenty fifth is Minneapolis, Minnesota.
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 1: April thirtieth Nashville, Tennessee. May first is Charlotte, North Carolina.
• 1:12:53
  Speaker 1: May second is Durham, North Carolina. May sixth I'm doing
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 1: Netflix as a joke festival. I will be in Los Angeles.
• 1:13:00
  Speaker 1: That is a new announcement, along with Atlantic City May fifteenth, Saratoga, California.
• 1:13:06
  Speaker 1: May sixteenth, Monterey, California, May seventeenth, Modesto, California, and then
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 1: June fourth.
• 1:13:12
  Speaker 2: Portchester, New York.
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 1: June fifth is Boston, mass And June twelfth is Portland, Oregon.
• 1:13:18
  Speaker 1: And then Seattle is June thirteenth, So suck on that, everybody.
• 1:13:23
  Speaker 2: Go to Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
• 1:13:25
  Speaker 3: If you want advice from Chelsea, write into Dear Chelsea
• 1:13:28
  Speaker 3: podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production
• 1:13:32
  Speaker 3: of iHeartMedia. Follow Chelsea on all socials at Chelsea Handler
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 3: and find Catherine on TikTok at flash Cadabra. Dear Chelsea
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 3: is edited and engineered by Brandon Dickert executive producer Catherine Law.
• 1:13:44
  Speaker 3: Find full video episodes and minnisodes now on Netflix, and
• 1:13:47
  Speaker 3: get tickets to see Chelsea live at Chelseahandler dot com