Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 235: Why You're Always Exhausted: How to Stop Overcommitting (Creating a Margin of Safety)

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235: Why You're Always Exhausted: How to Stop Overcommitting (Creating a Margin of Safety) · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Have you ever said yes to so many things that you eventually found yourself wondering,"Ugh, why did I agree to do all of this?" Maybe you're rushing from one thing to another, running late, feeling overwhelmed, and basically just wondering why you can't seem to keep up with everything that you've committed to.
• 0:36
  And the worst part is you know that you're the one that said yes to doing all of this.
• 0:40
  Now, one of the biggest challenges of being an overgiver is believing that we can do it all, and then we end up biting off more than we can chew.
• 0:48
  "Oh, you need me to pick up your kid from the other side of town?
• 0:51
  Yeah, sure, you've got it.
• 0:52
  Wanna start working out together every weekday?
• 0:54
  Of course.
• 0:55
  Oh, you need me to help out with that fundraiser, make something tasty for the book club, and prepare a meal for that family going through a hard time?
• 1:01
  Absolutely, I am happy to help." And maybe you really can do all of those things for a little while, but it's kind of like starting a marathon as if it was a short distance sprint.
• 1:12
  You might start off strong, you feel good, you've totally got this, until you don't.
• 1:17
  And then eventually you might realize that you have bitten off more than you can chew.
• 1:20
  And when you finally reach your breaking point, then generally one of two things happen.
• 1:24
  Either you beat yourself up thinking,"Well, I should be able to do this.
• 1:27
  Other people seem to manage to do it all.
• 1:29
  Why can't I do it?" Or you hit a wall.
• 1:32
  You're so exhausted, overwhelmed, or burned out that you suddenly can't do all of the things that you used to be able to do.
• 1:40
  But what if the problem isn't that you're incapable of doing it all?
• 1:44
  What if the problem is believing that you should be able to do it all?
• 1:49
  Just because you technically can do something, it doesn't necessarily mean that you should do something.
• 1:55
  And just because you have space on your calendar and another 20 minute gap, it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to cram it full of something else.
• 2:02
  It doesn't necessarily mean that you actually have the time, the energy, or the emotional bandwidth to spend time doing that thing for somebody else.
• 2:10
  In other words, an empty spot on your calendar is not the only factor to take into account when somebody makes a request of you.
• 2:17
  So today we're gonna be talking about how to stop treating ourselves like a math problem and shift from,"Oh, let me see exactly how many free minutes I have," and instead start treating ourselves like human, where we actually have a different energy level and different capacity from day to day.
• 2:32
  It is vital to make sure that your needs are getting met if you want to continue to show up for other people in the way that you have been.
• 2:39
  So today we're going to be talking about how to create a margin of safety in your life in order to minimize burnout, relationship fatigue, and even resentment.
• 2:47
  And we're going to do that by looking at our life a little bit like a bank account for just a moment.
• 2:52
  Now, you only have so many nickels in your bank account, and I would say pennies, but here in the US, we aren't making pennies anymore, so we're gonna talk about nickels instead.
• 3:01
  Now, I know that when I was a teenager and I first started working, then it was very easy for me to spend every single nickel that I made.
• 3:08
  I knew that another paycheck would be coming soon, and so I felt very comfortable spending what it was that I had.
• 3:14
  Only sometimes I would experience an unexpected expense.
• 3:18
  So maybe I'd get a flat tire, or I'd need a little bit more gas than I had anticipated.
• 3:23
  Maybe there would be a sale on clothing that I just really loved and I just really wanted to have it.
• 3:28
  Maybe there would be a girls' choice dance at the high school, and I wanted to actually pay to have a date go with me.
• 3:33
  But if I had already spent all of my money, then there wouldn't be any wiggle room for me to get the things that I really wanted or even really needed in that moment.
• 3:43
  If I had created a little bit of a savings account for myself or made a deal with myself that,"Hey, I'm not gonna spend everything that I have, but I'm gonna keep a little bit in reserve," then I would experience significantly less stress when an added expense or a really good deal came along or a really fun activity.
• 3:58
  And that's because I would know that I had the funds.
• 4:02
  And not only would that create less stress for me personally, but it would also allow me to give more wholehearted yeses to the things when they had actually popped up in my life.
• 4:10
  So I could say,"Yes, I can replace my tire, no problem.
• 4:14
  Yes, I can get that new outfit that's on sale, no worries at all." Having a little bit of money in reserve, it gave me options.
• 4:22
  And we can do the same thing with our time and our energy.
• 4:27
  Life happens.
• 4:28
  Unexpected things, they come up.
• 4:31
  People need help.
• 4:33
  Plans change.
• 4:34
  Sometimes we need a little bit of extra time to rest.
• 4:37
  Maybe we're sick and we legitimately don't have any more energy to give.
• 4:41
  Or we might just discover that something requires a little bit more time or energy than we originally expected.
• 4:48
  And when that happens, it's up to us to create a margin of safety so that we don't experience that burnout and overwhelm.
• 4:56
  Having a margin of safety means that you don't use up every single last bit of your time and your energy just because it's available.
• 5:04
  It means that you leave a little bit in reserve for yourself and for life as it happens.
• 5:09
  But if you're an overgiver, then you might be wondering,"Okay, but how am I supposed to do that when people need me?
• 5:14
  I genuinely love helping them.
• 5:16
  What am I supposed to do?" So let's talk about our favorite friend, people-pleasing Pam.
• 5:21
  Now, Pam, she is a freaking rock star.
• 5:24
  She's amazing.
• 5:25
  She's always there for everybody, and it doesn't matter how far she has to drive or how much she already has on her plate, she seems to constantly be on call for anyone and everyone at all times.
• 5:36
  And honestly, people love this about her.
• 5:40
  And because I'm an'80s girl, I'm gonna say she's a little bit like MC Hammer.
• 5:44
  It seems like her mantra is,"If you've got a problem, yo, I'll solve it." And so she keeps jumping in to help everybody out.
• 5:51
  She is incredible at knowing what it is that people need and figuring out how to help them.
• 5:56
  She's the person to call if you need a ride to your doctor's appointment.
• 5:59
  She's the one that can take your kids for an overnighter so you can have a getaway.
• 6:02
  She's the one who volunteers, organizes, brings the food, and somehow she remembers every single detail, even when everybody else has forgotten.
• 6:11
  She is almost superhuman with all of the things that she can take on.
• 6:16
  And Pam, she genuinely loves helping other people.
• 6:19
  She loves being their go-to gal.
• 6:22
  And also, lately she's noticed it's been bringing her less joy and more fatigue.
• 6:28
  She's found herself starting to feel resentful towards other people, wishing that they were more capable or more willing to share the load.
• 6:36
  But because she has made her ability to show up for other people her measurement for how good of a person she is, then she keeps doing it all even when it's detrimental to her.
• 6:47
  She finds herself thinking,"Sure, I want to say no, but my reason for saying no, it needs to be good enough in order for me to do so." In fact, because she has this mentality, then she actually finds herself signing up to do more things rather than less.
• 7:02
  She decides to sign up for a class and to get another certification just so she can tell people,"Oh, sorry, I have class during that time." Because going to class, then that sounds like a"good enough" reason to say no.
• 7:14
  She also finds herself volunteering at the local warming center, and yes, because she enjoys being of service, but also because it sounds so much better to say,"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm volunteering that day," rather than,"You know what?
• 7:25
  I just don't have the energy right now." So really think about that for a moment.
• 7:30
  Pam is taking on more commitments in order to give herself a legitimate reason to turn down other commitments.
• 7:39
  She is making herself busier so that she can justify having less time, and all the while, she is ignoring the simplest reason of all, to just say no, and it's simply just,"Hey, I don't have the capacity for that right now." Trying to find a reason that's"good enough" for other people is leaving her feeling absolutely exhausted with nothing left in reserve for herself.
• 8:01
  And this is where many over-givers, they get stuck.
• 8:05
  Because let me tell you something that you might not actually know as an over-giver.
• 8:09
  Most people, when they don't have the time or the energy for something, they simply say no.
• 8:15
  They don't offer up an excuse.
• 8:17
  They don't have to look at their calendars.
• 8:19
  They don't have to see,"Okay, well, do I have 90 free minutes and where can I fit that in?" They're simply able to say,"You know what?
• 8:24
  That's not going to work for me, but I hope that you figure it out." Over-givers, they tend to be over-explainers, and that's why they're constantly looking for a reason that's good enough for the other person.
• 8:38
  They are so concerned about upsetting somebody that they tell themselves,"Okay, well, if I give them a"good enough" reason, then nobody will be upset." But here's the problem.
• 8:49
  You cannot guarantee that somebody won't be upset with your decision no matter how good your explanation is.
• 8:56
  And when you make your decision based on trying to prevent someone else from feeling disappointed, frustrated, or inconvenienced, you're actually taking personal responsibility for their emotional experience.
• 9:08
  You're over-owning their emotions.
• 9:11
  You're trying to manage their emotional reaction instead of just simply making a decision that works best for you.
• 9:17
  And that's the struggle is over-giving, it often leads to over-explaining, which leads to over-owning other people's emotions, and then feeling overburdened yourself.
• 9:30
  And that's when the burnout really hits.
• 9:33
  Because you're not just doing the thing that you agreed to do, you're also carrying the responsibility of making sure that everybody else feels okay about what it is that you do and don't do, and that is a lot of work.
• 9:44
  And you don't have to do that anymore.
• 9:48
  You can care about someone's feelings without being responsible for them.
• 9:52
  You can be kind, generous, and loving, and still say,"I'm sorry, I'm not available." You do not have to prove that you're busy enough or tired enough or overwhelmed enough to justify taking care of yourself.
• 10:06
  Your needs matter even when nobody else can see them.
• 10:11
  Now, I remember a time in my life when I was absolutely burned out.
• 10:15
  I could not possibly say yes to another request.
• 10:19
  I was really just breaking down.
• 10:21
  And so I was forced and compelled to practice saying no, saying no without giving a lengthy explanation, but just saying,"No, I'm sorry, I'm not available." And I'll be honest that for a while, I found myself saying no to absolutely everything, which honestly was probably a major indicator of just how burned out I actually was.
• 10:43
  But over time, and as I gave myself space to actually get my needs met, then something shifted.
• 10:50
  As I practiced saying yes to myself, I became better at giving wholehearted yeses to other people.
• 10:59
  If your needs are met, you won't feel so burned out.
• 11:03
  If you are able to get the rest that you need, you won't feel so tired.
• 11:08
  If you are able to get your social needs met, then every social outing, it will stop feeling like a duty and an obligation, and it will actually start to feel enjoyable again.
• 11:18
  And when you have some time and energy in reserve for you, then helping somebody else, it can feel more like a choice that you're happy to make instead of just one more thing that you have to squeeze into an already overwhelming day.
• 11:30
  And that's the difference.
• 11:32
  The goal isn't to stop being generous.
• 11:35
  It isn't to stop caring about other people or stop showing up for the people that you love.
• 11:40
  The goal is to stop abandoning yourself in the process of taking care of everybody else.
• 11:47
  Part of your conditioning and part of your personal belief system, it may have become this idea that if you can do something for someone, then you should do that something for someone.
• 11:56
  So you self-sacrifice.
• 11:59
  You put one more thing on your plate.
• 12:00
  You put one more thing on your calendar.
• 12:02
  You decide that,"You know what?
• 12:04
  My needs, they don't matter as much as their needs." You decide personally that your reasons for saying no, they aren't good enough, so you say yes.
• 12:13
  But soon, you have nothing left to give.
• 12:18
  And maybe you've been there.
• 12:19
  Maybe you know what it feels like to be so exhausted that even the things that you used to enjoy, they now feel like obligations.
• 12:27
  Maybe you have found yourself feeling resentful towards people that you genuinely love.
• 12:31
  Maybe you have wondered why you're doing so much for everybody else, but you still don't feel happy.
• 12:37
  Now, if that's you, I want you to know something.
• 12:41
  You don't have to wait until you reach a breaking point to start taking care of yourself.
• 12:46
  You are allowed to get your needs met before you're completely depleted.
• 12:52
  Which kind of brings us back to this idea of creating a margin of safety.
• 12:56
  What if you treated your time and energy the same way that you treat your money?
• 13:01
  What if you reserved a little bit for yourself in case something unexpected happened?
• 13:06
  What if you prioritize the things that are most important to you in your life and you prioritize them first?
• 13:11
  Now, with your money, more than likely you would make sure to set aside money for your rent or your mortgage and your food before anything else.
• 13:18
  You wouldn't want to spend all of your money on other people's needs and then discover that you don't have enough for your own basic necessities.
• 13:24
  So why do we do that when it comes to our own time and our own energy?
• 13:29
  What if, with your time and energy, you prioritized your wellbeing first?
• 13:36
  I want you to really think for a moment about what it is that matters most to you.
• 13:40
  Is it family time?
• 13:42
  Is it making sure that you get your workout in so that you can maintain your energy and feel strong in your body?
• 13:48
  Is it actually creating time and space for nourishing meals that you eat at home at your table instead of just grabbing junk food through the drive-through as you go on your way to your next obligation?
• 13:58
  Maybe it's creating enough sleep for yourself.
• 14:01
  Maybe it's having a little bit of quiet time in the morning.
• 14:05
  Maybe it's spending time with a friend who understands you without requiring you to explain every single little thing.
• 14:11
  What would make life feel more sustainable for you?
• 14:14
  What are your non-negotiables, and are you treating those things like non-negotiables, or are you treating other people's needs as non-negotiables and your needs as optional?
• 14:26
  If you're constantly giving away every single available minute, then there's no margin for you.
• 14:31
  There's no room to breathe.
• 14:33
  There's no room to rest.
• 14:34
  There's no room for the unexpected things that just happen in life.
• 14:38
  And eventually, something has to give.
• 14:41
  So here's what I want you to practice this week is first identify one thing that you really want to guard and protect.
• 14:48
  So maybe it's family dinner.
• 14:49
  Maybe it's 20 minutes of meditation.
• 14:51
  Maybe it's taking that walk with your girlfriend who just gets it.
• 14:54
  But whatever it is, choose something that helps you to feel like you.
• 14:59
  And second, treat that time as a real commitment.
• 15:03
  Not something that you'll do if everything else get done, not something that you'll squeeze in if nobody else needs anything from you, but treat it like something that matters enough to protect.
• 15:13
  And third, when someone makes a request of you, just pause.
• 15:17
  Just pause before you give them an answer.
• 15:19
  Instead of immediately checking your calendar to see if you technically have the time to just shove 20 more minutes more in there, then ask yourself,"Okay, do I have the energy for this?
• 15:29
  Do I have the emotional capacity for this?
• 15:31
  What would I have to give up personally if I were going to say yes to this?
• 15:37
  And do I genuinely want to say yes?" Because having time available, it doesn't automatically mean that you have the capacity to use it for somebody else.
• 15:48
  And then finally, I want you to practice letting your no be enough.
• 15:52
  You can say,"I'm sorry, but that's just not going to work for me." You can say,"I'm sorry, I'm just not available that day." You can say,"I hope you can find somebody else who can help, but I'm not available during that time." You do not have to invent another commitment.
• 16:06
  You do not have to take another class or volunteer for something else just to make your no sound more legitimate.
• 16:13
  You are allowed to have needs that inconvenience other people.
• 16:18
  It's okay for you to say no and for them to get their needs met elsewhere.
• 16:21
  It is not all on your shoulders.
• 16:24
  And you are allowed to protect your time and your energy so that you can show up for you.
• 16:31
  Now, I want you to remember this is you are not a bank account that exists to fund everybody else's needs.
• 16:38
  You are a human being with your own needs, desires, responsibilities, and limits.
• 16:43
  And just because you have something left to give, it does not mean that you have to give it away.
• 16:49
  You can be generous without being endlessly available.
• 16:53
  You can be loving without saying yes to everything.
• 16:57
  You can care about other people without taking personal responsibility for making sure that they're never disappointed.
• 17:03
  And you can be a good person even when somebody else has to figure things out without your help.
• 17:10
  You do not have to wait until you're burned out to give yourself permission to rest.
• 17:15
  You don't have to reach your breaking point in order to prove that you've done enough.
• 17:20
  And you don't have to earn the right to have needs of your own.
• 17:25
  So this week, I want you to try something different.
• 17:28
  Before you say yes to someone else, take a moment to say yes to yourself.
• 17:33
  Protect that family dinner time.
• 17:35
  Take that walk.
• 17:37
  Get the rest that you need.
• 17:40
  Leave a little bit of breathing room in your calendar.
• 17:42
  Let there be a little bit of time left over, a little bit of energy left in reserve, a little bit of space for life to happen so that when you do hit a bump, you're not thrown completely off balance.
• 17:53
  Because the goal isn't to become somebody who never helps anybody.
• 17:57
  It's to become someone who can help without losing themselves in the process.
• 18:02
  And when you stop using every last bit of your time and your energy to prove how much you care, then you just might discover that you have more joy to give, and more wholehearted yeses to offer, and a whole lot less resentment to carry.
• 18:16
  You do not have to do it all to be enough.
• 18:20
  You already are.
• 18:22
  Okay, here's to saving a little bit in reserves for ourselves this week.
• 18:26
  I'll see you next time.
• 18:27
  Have a good one.
• 18:28
  Bye now