Latest / Hurdle with Emily Abbate / #HURDLEMOMENT: So, I Went to Therapy ... Finally

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#HURDLEMOMENT: So, I Went to Therapy ... Finally · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey, guys, what's going on Emily about a year? Popping
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: into your feed with another hurdle moment from Hurdle, a
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: podcast that talks to everyone from entrepreneurs to top CEOs
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: and athletes about how they've gotten through tough times hurdles
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: of sorts by leaning in to wellness. For this week's
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Hurdle moment, I'm talking about something that was a really
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: really big hurdle for me, and that's therapy. This isn't
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: something that is really necessarily openly talked about on the
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: regular It's definitely a little taboo. But the thing is
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  Speaker 1: is that it's important. I share endlessly on this feed
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: and on my social media about running and exercise and
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: the hurdles that I've overcome being an entrepreneur, but it
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: is so rare for me to get into the mental
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: side of things to break down that barrier. About a
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  Speaker 1: month ago, I started talking to a therapist for the
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: first time. I've been going once a week. This is
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: my fifth week, and for years now I wanted to
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: take this junk and go to therapy, but there were
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: a number of things that were holding me back, and
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: we'll get into what those were in today's episode. I'm
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: also going to share a few helpful steps that I
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: took to get over the hurdle of getting into the
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: office in the first place, because if you ask me,
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: that is the hardest fucking part expletive totally necessary. So
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: let's make this a conversation, Okay, DM me or email
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: me to talk. It's at Emilybody at Hurdle Podcast, Emily
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: at hurdle dot us. And really, the biggest takeaway I
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: hope you can get from today's episode is that if
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: this is something you've been wanting to do, if it's
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: something you've done and you've walked away from it, whatever
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: the case may be, you are not alone. It's what
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: my mission has been since starting Hurdle. But sharing these
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: stories and being so open and so vulnerable with all
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: of you is that I think about the Emily that
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: was overweight back in college and she felt so lonely
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: and like no one understood her. And I'm here to
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: tell you is that when it comes to this topic,
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: which can just be so overwhelming and really alienating, it's
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: okay to feel that way and you're not the only one.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: So with that, let's get to hurdling. I probably first
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: googled New York City therapists about six years ago. Now
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  Speaker 1: there are a lot of them here. A lot of
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  Speaker 1: people are going to therapy, but a lot of people,
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: myself included, have this idea that you can get by
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: without it. For years now, every time I thought about
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: finally going in to see someone, I just kind of
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: brush it off, thinking that if I can connect with
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: my good friends and rant about all the things and
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: get it all out over a glass of wine, it's
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: just exactly the same thing, right, it's not therapists. Well,
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: they go to school for this, And I'm not going
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  Speaker 1: to run down the complete list of different types of therapists,
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: but what I will tell you is that the very
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: minimum a therapist needs a bachelor's degree, which is four
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: years of school, plus a master's or a doctor degree,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: and both of those take between an additional two and
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: seven more years of school. A therapist is different than
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: sitting down with your best friend and eating thing Chris
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: Pizza and drinking a bottle of malbec because they are
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: an unbiased opinion. Now, I say this knowing that I
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: am blessed with great friends who take my word. They
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: talk to me honestly, and they do not judge me,
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: and I am so grateful for that. But when you
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: go to a therapist's office, there is no need for niceties,
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: for lack of a better word, right, it's like this hour,
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: it's all about you, which is important because for me,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: over the last couple of years especially, I have been
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: really emphasizing this idea in my relationships that the give
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: and take should be equal, in that all conversations, you know,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: both people should have an opportunity to express their ideas
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: to be heard equally. And of course there are going
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: to be things that happen on both sides where one
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  Speaker 1: person needs to dominate a conversation more than the other.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: But a good relationship, in my opinion, is about that
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: give and take and listening. With a therapist, however, it
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: doesn't need to be like that, and it's just one
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  Speaker 1: big exhale. It's a time that it's specifically dedicated to
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: talking about your own shit. In two thousand and seven,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: when I stepped on the scale and I saw a
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  Speaker 1: number over two hundred pounds, I worked really really hard
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: to flip the script and believe that I was worthy
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: of my own investment. I knew that if I didn't
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: take some time to give back to myself that I
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: was never going to be truly happy and living my
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: life the way that I wanted to. So I made
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: the time to work on eating better and working out.
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  Speaker 1: I found myself when I started running, and I am
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  Speaker 1: so so much better today because I made those changes.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: Now on the side of things, I have done a
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: lot of work there too. I've read a bazillion self
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: help books like I thought it was just me but
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: it isn't by Brune Brown and Grit by Angela Duckworth
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: and Twelve Rules for Life by Jordan P. Peterson. I've
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: taken full weeks off of work to do some self
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: care of sorts and write and reflect. I've confronted some
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: of my weaknesses in workshops and man have I had
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: a shit ton of breakdowns on the run. But there's
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: still more to do. And for me, that really hit
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: about a month ago. Now. I won't get into the
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: particulars of what made me finally reach my I've got
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: to talk to someone breaking point, but what I will
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  Speaker 1: say is that I had an interaction with someone that
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: put me back in my high school cafeteria. I felt
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  Speaker 1: lesser than I felt like there was a group of
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  Speaker 1: guys that were talking about me as I walked by,
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  Speaker 1: criticizing my body and making me feel as though I
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  Speaker 1: wasn't worthy as a woman in her early thirties who
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  Speaker 1: knows damn well that she has a lot to offer
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: the world. I was fed up that I was allowing
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  Speaker 1: myself to go back to this place that I am
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  Speaker 1: no longer in, and so I decided to make a
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  Speaker 1: fucking change. Now. Typically this is the part where I
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: call a friend crying and we get wine, and then
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: I go to bed, and after I sleep it off,
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  Speaker 1: I start over the next day. But I just knew
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  Speaker 1: I needed more. So I messaged about fifteen different girlfriends
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: and I asked them instead if they wanted to get wine,
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  Speaker 1: if they had any therapist recommendations. I followed up on
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  Speaker 1: three of them. I made an initial consultation appointment with
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  Speaker 1: one woman, and I was in there the following week.
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  Speaker 1: The biggest reason why I avoided therapy for so long
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  Speaker 1: is not because of the time, commitment, or a lack
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  Speaker 1: of a desire to go, but because of the cost.
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  Speaker 1: And in this moment, I finally got to a place
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: where I understood that the cost, although great, was necessary.
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  Speaker 1: I deserved this. I thought, I'm ready for this. I
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: can do this now. I won't get into the particulars
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: about what I'm dealing with in therapy, but there are
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: two things I want to address. Firstly, you don't need
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: to go through some big, huge life traumatic event to
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: be someone who can benefit from talking to someone else.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I lost seventy pounds, which was a
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: mind fuck in itself. I'm a child of divorced despite
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: being really really fortunate that my parents are both the
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: most loving, passionate humans ever who really treat each other
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: with kindness and support me unconditionally regardless. My personal goal
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  Speaker 1: of seeking therapy is so that I can show up
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  Speaker 1: better for both myself and my relationships going forward. You
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: don't have to have again some awful skeletons in your
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  Speaker 1: closet to want the same thing. We have two homes.
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  Speaker 1: Someone once said to me, our body and our mind.
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  Speaker 1: Now you are the person who talks to yourself the
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: most in any given day, and you deserve to make
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: that conversation a good one. You deserve to feel valued,
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: to feel important, and to feel needed. The second thing
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  Speaker 1: I want to address the biggest reason I didn't go
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  Speaker 1: see a therapist for the longest time, was that I
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: didn't think I could afford it, despite understanding that I
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: am worthy of my own investment. When it comes to
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  Speaker 1: an actual financial investment, therapy is, without a doubt, the
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  Speaker 1: greatest cost I have ever spent on myself in my
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: life period. When talking about the price per session with
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  Speaker 1: my therapist, I actually completely broke down, which was really unexpected.
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  Speaker 1: She told me what her typical rate is and I
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: told her that I was hoping to spend about double
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: that for the month and come every other week. And
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: this is where she'd hit the fan. Basically we disagreed
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: on that. With her telling me she felt that I
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: should come every week, I told her that that wasn't
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: possible for me because I couldn't afford it. Then I
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  Speaker 1: started crying. I felt like, how do I say this?
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  Speaker 1: I felt like I had jumped the hurdle of finally
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  Speaker 1: getting there, of showing up, of being ready to take
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: on like this extra cost because I knew that it
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: was worth it, And then I was just met with
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  Speaker 1: this idea that despite being ready to take on the
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: burden and the cost and show up for myself, that
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  Speaker 1: I just couldn't do it like I financially could not
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  Speaker 1: do it and that sucked. Who Well, I'm really grateful
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: because in my instance, and I know this doesn't happen
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  Speaker 1: every time, I was able to get to a place
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  Speaker 1: with my therapist where I felt truly comfortable in a
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  Speaker 1: rate that we agreed on. I feel as though I
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  Speaker 1: try so badly to show up for other people and
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: be kind and do good and be a good person.
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  Speaker 1: And for the first time in a long time, and
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: I say this as someone who is spiritual but definitely
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: not religious, it was like God was looking down on
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  Speaker 1: me in this situation and just said I got you
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: with this said, yes, money is a hurdle for therapy.
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  Speaker 1: The good news is that there are certain practitioners who
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: take insurance. I know I have a girl friend who
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: pays about thirty dollars a session. She used to go
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: twice weekly. And if I was paying thirty dollars a session, God,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I'd probably do the same thing. There are also online
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: apps like talk Space and Betterhelp where you can do
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: everything from text message with the therapist to chat with
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: them regularly on the phone or on FaceTime. And again
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: a lot of these individuals will work with you if
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: they don't take insurance to find something that makes you
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: comfortable because they want to help. I also think it's
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: important to bring up when the woman had originally told
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: me her rate and I looked at her with so
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: much sincerity, and I was like, listen, I'm a contractor.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: I understand that your time is valuable. I built by
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: the hour. I don't expect you to have flexibility with me.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: And she looked at me and she said something really poignant,
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: which was, listen, you told me your boundary, and now
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you mine. You cannot decide how
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: I handle your boundaries. I get to make those decisions.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: And I was like, well, all right then, man, I
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: feel like I spilled my guts to a bunch of
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: strangers on the internet, and that's because I did. I
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: don't know if this is helpful for you. I really
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: hope that it is. Again, my biggest goal here in
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: sharing my getting to therapy story with you is that
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: you feel a not alone and b and power to
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: take some space up for yourself. We all deserve to
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: take up space, and sometimes, in this case with therapy,
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  Speaker 1: that helps me understand better that I am worthy of
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: this opportunity. I deserve my own investment. I am worthy
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: of my own investment. Again. I'd love to hear from
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: you guys. I'd love to know what your interactions with
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: therapy have been. If it's something that you have done,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: if it's something that you're scared to do, share with me.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: And that's it. Another hurdle conquered. Catch you guys next time.