Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / When To Talk To Your Kids About Sex, Money & Marriage | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep495

Transcript

When To Talk To Your Kids About Sex, Money & Marriage | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep495 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: What and when to talk to your children about these things?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Dirty texts, dick pics, and boiling over.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Stop using boundaries, guys.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: You have an apology problem.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: You are holding yourself back.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: What you can do or what to do when you're not having sex.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: You've never seen us in action.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: There is always something that you need to do better.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: What and when to talk to your children about these things?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the last time we filmed, I promised we'd bring this up because I think this is really important, baby.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: There are things that you want to, especially women, you want to guard your children from.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Protect your children.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Really quickly before I go too far, I want to remind you guys of a story long ago.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: We had a billboard up in uh Kelowna when we lived in Canada.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the billboard said, you know, marriage sucks, question mark, roommates, question mark, job sex, question mark, which job sex in our world means um somebody's having sex when they don't want to.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're checking off a to-do list.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like it's their job.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's their job.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and that could be pity sex, you know, feeling sorry for him.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Usually it's a it's a towards him, okay?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: We have seen this both ways though, but you know, take pity so you do it.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes get it over with.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually there's frustration and anger that is what we call fear sex.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so these are just different levels of just checking it off into a to-do list, okay?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: This started a conversation, a very very pleasant DM from a woman who found us and sent me a message.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I just sent back a couple notes.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I understood where she was coming from, you know, used my tools, and then just uh asked, you know, with curiosity, can I ask why this is so important?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And she basically was talking about her daughter was young, shouldn't 16, 16, should not be hearing, um, this or seeing these kinds of things on a billboard.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're having have to have she has to say, What's job sex?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And she has to.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: She was like, basically, I was forced into having a conversation with my daughter that I wasn't ready and that my daughter wasn't ready to have.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: That's kind of the premise.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: And so she was like, consider taking your billboard down, sir.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so essentially what I did was I just I just walked her through a little bit of the realization uh that some of you might not know that um you know children are exposed to porn uh average age eight.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh children are being violated and assaulted um because of the situations they're going on in homes like yours, okay, and as well as their friends.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And uh they're being introduced not only to porn but to assault as I mean, sometimes very, very young.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so the reason why I bring this up is because there are topics you don't want to discuss with your kids, but this is a they're learning it anyway.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, do you think that your 16-year-old didn't know about sex, then you are out of your mind.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Out of your mind, but something that you guys don't talk about is the fact that your fucking roommates in your home and that you're checking sex off the to-do list, and the distance is growing, the disconnection is growing, and they're seeing what marriage looks like, they're seeing the frustration on the person who doesn't have the sex.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: So whether or not you want to have a conversation, and I know we want to guard their little hearts, the question comes to when do you talk about it?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: At a very young age, but at our our our children are currently seven and five, and we didn't we don't talk to them about sex, but we talk about kissing, we talk about hugging, love, love, marriage, um, you know, only kissing a spouse, you know, like they have to be married.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, they're breaking God's rules right now, you know, if we're watching a movie, kissing, they're kissing.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: For married couples, so it depends on how old your kids are.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: But I, you know, I think what Cass is leading towards is you might not want to have these conversations with your kids, but these kids have already had conversations with other kids and potentially other kids that are older than they are.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: And so, do you or do you not want to be the one to teach them about these things?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: I know it's scary, guys.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: I we I actually had to have a sexual type conversation with our kids, and it was not a pleasant conversation to have.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: We've been in some situations, some situations where we've had to talk about some things that might be uncomfortable, but you know what's more uncomfortable?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: Thinking that your kids are having these conversations with other kids where they're gonna be told who knows what, especially older kids.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_02: And this is a 16-year-old girl, you don't think that she knows and understands sex?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they're learning.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if they still teach that in school, but you don't need to be in school.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: They in public school, I think they teach you a lot of things that we didn't learn when we were in school.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, come on, you guys, you gotta get real.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Every TV show, you your your children are watching sexual innuendo with junior high kids in a show that they like because they're looking up to the teenagers, and you didn't think about that when you let them watch the show.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not the only thing they're doing.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, think about passive aggressive comments and using we we talk about that wit as a weapon.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the things I recognize I couldn't stand my kids were learning from these older shows.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: The point is, like, you have to have these conversations or someone else will, and then you're in panic because you're not prepared and they don't trust you with it, they're embarrassed by it.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we have a our son right now, currently, for whatever reason feels embarrassed to take out the shirt off.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Who's there if I'm gonna take my shirt off?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to have a conversation about that.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: He's five.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way he should.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I have my shirt off everywhere I fucking go.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm surprised it's not surprised it's not off right now.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my point is that if you're afraid to have these conversations, then you're going to just force them to learn it from somewhere else, and then you're gonna be taken off guard when the bad thing happens.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean you have a boyfriend?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean you're pregnant?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you need to be the one.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And this ties in with so many other things, like punishment and other lessons that we would teach.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you force them to lie and hide, well, that's you, that's on you.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so this came up because a man in my program was trying to give his kids 110, and I think one was 14 or 16, wanted to give them some books to read and to really grow.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, great that he brought this coaching call because the author that he shared was one of them was fantastic, Yaako Williams, extreme ownership.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: But it talks about some things in some of his other books, which is sexual stuff.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And the Obama was like, No, no, no.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you don't know, you have to do a little research, but you can start, you can start to teach them with books, you can start to teach them with conversations.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: But this guy has a series of books for children on all these different things that we learn as adults way late in life.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And you can get ahead of that.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if you don't know, you have to do some research or get on our coaching calls and we'll talk to you about this stuff.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: But there's fantastic series, so he can meet his wife halfway with guarding the children's hearts, okay, but also educating them in like they're going to find out.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about another big one finances.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Our children know when we're making lots of money, when we're not making lots of money.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: We just tell them the fucking truth.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you guys are so like we we can't, you know, what if they tell people how much we wait we make and stuff like this?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Shouldn't they learn the value of a dollar?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Shouldn't they learn?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, our children definitely don't know the value of a dollar.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, no child does.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: No, but and we don't we don't try to make them own it.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: Like we try to be careful.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_02: Well, when I say we, I mean I.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: I try to make sure that they know that our financial situation doesn't have anything to do with them.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, however, between the two of us, and moms and dads are gonna deal with things differently, guys.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: So when you guys are listening to this, the dads are gonna resonate with, yeah, the kids, you know the value of a dollar.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: Listen, the mom also is there, you are there to protect them and to make sure that they don't own anything to do with that because it has nothing to do with them.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: You're teaching them, but that's where the balance comes in.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: The dad's saying this is the value of the dollar.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: Don't, don't waste, don't whatever.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: And then the mom comes in and and and protects them with this is our responsibility.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want you to ever worry if there's gonna be food on the table, you never have to worry if you have to pay for anything.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like there's there's the both sides of it.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: But we but it's I think the the biggest lesson is that it can't be secretive, it has to be an open conversation about how to save, why we tithe, what to do with your money, why not not to buy this, why we spend our money on certain things and not on other things, and how we make money and what we do for work.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: So I think as long as we're open conversation, but yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: It's just about having the openness and also having the balance between husbands and wives, guys.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you can only do that if you're connected, otherwise you start to go off like that work ethic.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you'll triangulate otherwise, yeah.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: The the the this conversation comes up all the time.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think my kids need to work harder, especially with teenagers, right?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you're not wrong, fathers.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: But at the end of the day, you're disconnecting from your wife with this this uh triangulation Catherine's talking about, meaning you're separating with your different views on how you should teach your child.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Your wife is right, they are young, but you're also right.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's a big world out there.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: But like, chances are you're fucking up anyways.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're wanting them to save, let's say, for example, they gotta work hard and make their money, but you you didn't even think that they can afford a house or not.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we talk about shit like that.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we have enough land for our children to build homes for them?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: We talk about it that it's very expensive to buy land, to buy a house, to do these things.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So you have all these ideas in your head, but you're busy feeding your own ego instead of understanding you can teach your kids differently.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, there are so many different topics with your children that you just have to actually be honest.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go with the really, really big one here, okay?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Why is mommy on the phone?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Why is daddy drinking all the time?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you guys fighting?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Is it my fault?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: All those children's books that I wrote for you guys on our app, go.moralmarriage.com.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, they may have been moved around.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You might have to talk to somebody who DMs you.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: But like the the point is, you don't even know how to answer these questions with your kid because you're afraid to answer them.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're disconnecting with your spouse when you're sleeping on a couch or you're arguing or fighting or you don't agree with the budget or the numbers, or somebody has an affair, you're fucking fighting, and you're you're afraid to tell your children the truth.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, here's the truth of that.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: You tell your kids the truth without making your partner look like stupid or shit.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: You tell your kids the truth by taking responsibility and showing up the way you should now.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I, you know what's sad is I have to write children's books so you can read to your children, and there's a little note for you with every lesson in there as you go along.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: What's sad is that you don't go the next step further and realize this is for all the important shit.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your children are not dumb.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're in a school, most of you right now, they're in some sort of school, while divorce is rampant and rising, where there's broken homes and generational curses, and you're afraid to talk about the the special drink mommy or daddy has.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Fucking just have a conversation.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you don't know how, then learn.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: But you are not protecting your children.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: They are finding out from everyone else around them, from the television, soon their phones.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: You know, that's the biggest thing.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_02: By thinking that you're protecting them and not having the conversations, you're actually doing the opposite of protecting them because they're getting it somewhere else, and that's what they think the truth is.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: Where remember, when your kids are little, they live and die and breathe on what you say.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: You guys all remember like what you thought about your parents.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, you don't think that anymore.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_02: We grow up and we realize that our parents aren't perfect, but when you're little, most of us thought our parents were perfect and they knew everything.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still I'm still I'm still saying things that my parents taught me.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine's like, your parents were wrong again.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I had a really good upbringing, and I I really did.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_02: I still think highly of a lot of the things that they taught me, and I and I also have reality on some of the things that it was just their human nature.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_02: But when you're a child, you don't see the humanity in your parent.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_02: You think that your parent says the absolute truth.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_02: And so if you just put that into perspective for a second, they can go to school and they can listen to what someone else's parent told a kid, and then the kid played the game of telephone for five other kids, and now they're talking about whatever they're talking about, or you can just be open with your kids.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_02: And I I can't stress this enough the balance between husbands and wives because dads are built to push their kids, to make their kids uncomfortable, to push them past limits that like they're never gonna get to without the pushing of the dad.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: The moms are there to nurture, to protect their heart.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_02: That provides balance.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: You're not supposed to do it like your wife.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: I'm never gonna treat my kids the way that my husband does.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: He's never gonna treat the kids the way that I treat.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_02: We learn from each other, and we try to we try to find a happy medium in the middle.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes we have to come together and agree because we don't want to triangulate, but we are nowhere near, and that's I think one of the things that you guys struggle with is well, it's easy for Cassie and Catherine to say they're on the same page.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_02: No, we're not.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Are you kidding me?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: We completely disagree on parenting, but we trust each other.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_02: Because we know that we have different roles.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, and I know for sure that our kids, even though sometimes like it hurts my heart, all of you women can can get down with this.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_02: It hurts your heart to see the way that your husband treats your kids sometimes.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes that is the stretching that they need because you were never going to do it, Mom.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, you just never were, and so it can be hard, but it's also hard when your husband, likewise, it's not like you're hurting your children, but your husband is like, Oh, you're babying them, you're too soft.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: No, this is what we were built to do.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_02: So accept that your husband is a little bit too harsh.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: If he's not crossing the line of abuse, then mind your business.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_02: Seriously.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: And if your wife actually isn't babying them, like if you have an eight-year-old that's in a diaper and and can't function in society and isn't special needs, then you have a problem.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: Your wife is babying your child.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_02: But if not, you got normal kids, and you know what I think loving, empathetic kids.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I think, guys, like Catherine.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we I I joked that she's a helicopter mom, okay?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like we have I am a little bit.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: We have all of this land, and there's a big gate, you know, and there's there's like really the chances somebody come down the driver are pretty slim, and she's still got some rules, okay?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: But what what what does that matter?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we just find the balance.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So they can still go out and learn how to be independent in the wilderness if you go out there with them.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that they need that.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think they can just go.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: But that's the rule.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: They gotta ask if they go in the backyard, the front yard, and there's nobody in our fucking house.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: But that's the rule.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's just it's just how it works.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: But going back to the the the real point of this episode is you can't get to this ending point like we're talking about, where you have this compromise, this connection, if you don't start owning the fact that the truth needs to be said.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of your partners won't agree, like this guy's wife.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to walk them through how to handle that because the reality is whether she wants to protect the children or not, the conversation needs to be had.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_02: Well, do you remember a couple episodes ago?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_02: I can't remember when this was, and this blindsided me, but Vale said to me one day, Mama, why did you say do as an asshole?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: And I had no idea that she had even heard me say that because I don't walk around calling my husband an asshole.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_02: But it's definitely been something that's been said.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_02: She wouldn't hear us fighting.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_02: We we fight very infrequently.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Probably more like listening to us telling a story, telling stories and talking about our past because we're very transparent.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, it caught me off guard, and I was like, Well, because he was one.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_02: Like it this is the so do I used to be really mean to mama, and then he would say, Remember, I was a really bad, a really bad man.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_02: Well, some people don't want to have that conversation.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're too afraid.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: My kids know I almost went to jail.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, wh why are you afraid?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_02: They should have assumed he was an asshole, you guys.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: All right, guys.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_02: Bye.