Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #312 When the Kids Are OTT

Transcript

#312 When the Kids Are OTT · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, a good
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: cuddle goes a long way, It really does emotions. And
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  Speaker 1: now here's the stars of our show.
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  Speaker 2: My mum and Dadhi, we're Justin and Kylie Coulson. We're parents,
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  Speaker 2: have six daughters, and I'm the author of a bunch
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  Speaker 2: of books about how you can make your family happier.
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  Speaker 2: And today we're talking about you know, those times when
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  Speaker 2: the kids are just OTT. If you're in Sydney at
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  Speaker 2: the moment and dealing with ongoing lockdown, it might be
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  Speaker 2: maybe they're not actually ott OTT over the top? Did
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  Speaker 2: you not know that?
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  Speaker 1: No, I don't know any of those abbreviated things.
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  Speaker 2: OTT is over the top. And sometimes I.
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  Speaker 1: Don't understand anything the kids are saying these days.
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  Speaker 2: It happens when we get older, doesn't it. We just
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  Speaker 2: and we kind of stop caring about it as well.
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  Speaker 2: The other day, Kia Pendergast, who has this wonderful Facebook
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  Speaker 2: page called safe on Social she updated her page with
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  Speaker 2: a list of all of the different abbreviations and things
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  Speaker 2: that kids are using on social media these days, so
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  Speaker 2: the parents don't know what they're talking about. And I
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  Speaker 2: started to read through it because I thought, well, this
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  Speaker 2: is important, and after about four or five of them,
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  Speaker 2: I thought, I just don't care.
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  Speaker 1: I only found out the other day what bt.
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  Speaker 3: W stood for, by the way, Yes, really, I just
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  Speaker 3: I just don't where have you been abbreviations?
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  Speaker 1: I just say, how it is.
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  Speaker 2: TTFN?
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  Speaker 1: What does that mean?
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  Speaker 2: T tigger? I said, tatafa, now tiger on. We digress.
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  Speaker 2: So every now and again kids get a bit over
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  Speaker 2: the top, and we decided today that we would share
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  Speaker 2: some ideas about how to help your children to learn
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  Speaker 2: to regulate their emotions and get back into control when
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  Speaker 2: they're out of control. But I thought it was probably
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  Speaker 2: worth just highlighting Kylie that sometimes you and sometimes I
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  Speaker 2: quite like being out of control, Like it's fun to
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  Speaker 2: be a bit ott now and then right.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe you've got this.
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  Speaker 2: Kyla's looking at me, her head is down, she's looking
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  Speaker 2: at me through the top of her eyes with this
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  Speaker 2: cheeky look. You look like one of our kids at
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  Speaker 2: the moment who's about to get into trouble. Like it's
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  Speaker 2: just fun to sometimes be over the top. And as
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  Speaker 2: parents we kind of start to be the fun police.
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  Speaker 2: Now and then when the children have got high levels
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  Speaker 2: of energy.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we do that sometimes.
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  Speaker 2: But again, sometimes the kids are ott not because they've
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  Speaker 2: got high positive energy, but because they've got high negative energy.
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  Speaker 2: They're really angry, they're really upset, they're just non compliant.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I think if you kind of put that into context,
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  Speaker 1: as adults, there are times where we have all of
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  Speaker 1: those emotions as well, and not that it feels fun,
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  Speaker 1: but there's a payoff to being able to feel that
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  Speaker 1: emotion and express it in all its glory.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I've spoken to more than one person who have
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  Speaker 2: said that they actually feel really good when they're angry.
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  Speaker 1: I get a lot of cleaning done one on it.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I guess there's their productivity benefits of anger as well.
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  Speaker 2: But talking about being angry, and some people really they
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  Speaker 2: find it rewarding, they get what they want, and it
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  Speaker 2: feels good to tell people how they feel. But it's
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  Speaker 2: not necessarily not good for relationships, not good for harmony
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  Speaker 2: in the home. So we wanted to share with you
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  Speaker 2: some ideas to help the children to regulate their emotions,
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  Speaker 2: to resettle and rebalance, and we think that these ideas
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  Speaker 2: are going to be pretty good for kids from about
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  Speaker 2: the age of three or four up. If you've got
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  Speaker 2: one two three year olds, sometimes just a good cuddle
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  Speaker 2: and a bit of redirection is all you can go with.
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  Speaker 2: But for the most part, these ideas will be useful
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  Speaker 2: for every parent in every situation. So you've got three,
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  Speaker 2: I've got four. So I'm going to go first and
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  Speaker 2: then we'll trade off from there. Okay, So my first
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  Speaker 2: one is I like to talk to the kids. You
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  Speaker 2: know when you get a snow globe and you shake
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  Speaker 2: it up and all of the snow wizzards of around
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  Speaker 2: everywhere and you can't see things clearly. I like to
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  Speaker 2: talk to the kids, and I've done this with a
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  Speaker 2: couple of our kids a few times. I get the
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  Speaker 2: snow globe and I shake it up. I say, this
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  Speaker 2: is what your brain is right now. Your brain is
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  Speaker 2: like crazy with all this snow buzzing around inside it,
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  Speaker 2: and we need to let it settle down so that
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  Speaker 2: we can see things clearly.
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  Speaker 1: That's good.
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  Speaker 2: Do you like that?
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  Speaker 1: That's good?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, because our brains do that, and that metaphor, I
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  Speaker 2: think it's a really neat way to overlay the emotional
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  Speaker 2: stuff that's happening for our children. And the physical way
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  Speaker 2: that the snow globe works. And what we do when
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  Speaker 2: we get to have that conversation is help that. In fact,
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  Speaker 2: I should have done that this morning with our seven
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  Speaker 2: year old who was not having a good morning at all,
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  Speaker 2: and I didn't, and that might have been helpful, I think, yes.
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  Speaker 2: So what we do, though, is we teach the children
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  Speaker 2: these calming skills. They get to identify what's going on
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  Speaker 2: inside their head, and then we get to talk to
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  Speaker 2: them about what they can do to help all of
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  Speaker 2: the snow to settle inside their brain, like it's got
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  Speaker 2: to settle inside the snow globe.
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  Speaker 1: So it's not something that you do with the little kids,
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  Speaker 1: but as your kids get a little bit older. One
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  Speaker 1: of the things that I've implemented to help settle all
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  Speaker 1: those emotions is right in my journal. Because writing in
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  Speaker 1: my journal, like I just put everything out there, and
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  Speaker 1: then as I do that, clarity starts to come into
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  Speaker 1: the picture. I get to see what I'm feeling and
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  Speaker 1: why I'm feeling, and sometimes there's mixed emotions. But once
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  Speaker 1: it's all on the paper and I've kind of got
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  Speaker 1: distance from it, it's not all in my head, I
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  Speaker 1: can make more sense of what's going on.
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  Speaker 2: So there's a handful of psychological studies that show that
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  Speaker 2: writing and reflecting is an incredibly powerful way to make
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  Speaker 2: sense of emotions, to regulate emotions, and to move forward
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  Speaker 2: productively from them. So that's a really nice add on,
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  Speaker 2: and in fact, I'm going to add onto that one
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  Speaker 2: as well and say that when the kids are younger.
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  Speaker 2: I remember, we haven't done this with our little ones,
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  Speaker 2: but we used to with our older ones when they
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  Speaker 2: were little. Get the kids to draw their emotions. You
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  Speaker 2: knew I was going to go.
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  Speaker 1: There, yep, because I remember when our eldest decided to
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  Speaker 1: draw a picture on the school car, but because she
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  Speaker 1: was really angry, they didn't go down so well.
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  Speaker 2: With this score. Then we needed to tell the teacher
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  Speaker 2: to draw her emotions as well. Okay, so what's your
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  Speaker 2: second one?
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  Speaker 1: With young kids in particular, but it works with their
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  Speaker 1: all ages because you still do this with me. A
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  Speaker 1: good cuttle goes a long way. It really does coming emotions.
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  Speaker 2: And that means that we've got to make sure that
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  Speaker 2: we don't catch the chaos crank you're crazy of our children.
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  Speaker 2: We've got to come to them with calm and give
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  Speaker 2: them that reassurance, give them a big hug and sort
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  Speaker 2: of envelope them in that warmth.
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  Speaker 1: It can be really tricky to do that when emotions
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  Speaker 1: are big and we just see that the big emotion
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  Speaker 1: is an inconvenience to what's going on. Yeah, but it
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  Speaker 1: makes such a difference if we can just remain calm
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  Speaker 1: and give the extra love that this person who is
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  Speaker 1: experiencing big emotions needs.
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  Speaker 2: I love that. So we've got a couple more going
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: to share them with you after break. It's the Happy
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: Families podcast.
• 6:53
  Speaker 4: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, teens and Screens
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
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  Speaker 4: Bye today at happy families dot com, dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're
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  Speaker 1: talking a little bit about how we might reset emotions
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  Speaker 1: when things go over the top.
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  Speaker 2: And we've already come up with a couple of bonuses
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  Speaker 2: that we didn't mean to, so I've lost track of
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  Speaker 2: whose turn it is to go with one.
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  Speaker 1: Well, at the beginning of the podcast, we were talking
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  Speaker 1: about abbreviations yep, and how I didn't really know many
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  Speaker 1: of them.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah btw.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, I remembered a story that I heard by
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  Speaker 1: somebody who said that their grandma sent a text message
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  Speaker 1: after their grandfather passed away that.
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  Speaker 2: Said, lol, yeah grant granddad just died. Lol.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, And she didn't realize that lol meant laugh out loud.
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  Speaker 1: She thought it meant.
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  Speaker 2: Lots of lun That's so sad, isn't it.
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  Speaker 1: But anyway, I digress. We were talking about how we
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  Speaker 1: might reset emotions in the house, and laughing out loud
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  Speaker 1: would be a good one.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think so. I reckon one of my favorites.
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  Speaker 2: I know that you're going to say this one, but
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  Speaker 2: I can't help it because it's just it's one of
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  Speaker 2: my favorites, is doing that whole five four three to
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  Speaker 2: one thing that getting except don't do it to me
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  Speaker 2: getting into the moment.
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  Speaker 1: You get in big trouble when you do it for me.
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  Speaker 2: Have we ever done that together and you've been happy
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  Speaker 2: about it? No? No, because I know exactly what you're doing.
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  Speaker 2: But it works so well with the kids, and it works.
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  Speaker 2: Really I do it to myself when I'm starting to
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  Speaker 2: get really revved up and I need to resettle and regulate.
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  Speaker 2: I'd say, what are five things I can see? What
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  Speaker 2: are four things I can tell you?
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  Speaker 1: Are you supposed to taste? Honestly, what are you supposed
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  Speaker 1: to taste? What I ate for lunch?
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  Speaker 2: So for those who are for those who haven't heard this,
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  Speaker 2: five things that I can feel for sorry, five things
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  Speaker 2: I can see, four things that I can feel, three
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  Speaker 2: things that I can hear, two things that I can
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  Speaker 2: smell on one thing that I can taste my saliva.
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  Speaker 2: So that's that's really disgusting.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, am I supposed to go get a chocolate?
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  Speaker 2: Maybe maybe that'll make you.
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  Speaker 1: Feel better it Yes, that's the answer.
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  Speaker 2: To the recurring theme in our podcast is your desire
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  Speaker 2: and craving for chocolate. So if we want to help
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  Speaker 2: our kids regulate their emotions, that's one of my favorite ones.
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  Speaker 2: And every now and again the kids will actually come
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  Speaker 2: to me and say, Dad, can we do our five
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  Speaker 2: four three two one? Because I'm feeling cranky? And I
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  Speaker 2: love it when they do that. Like job done.
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  Speaker 1: It combines all of them together. Because there's a bit
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  Speaker 1: of a distraction, it's time to reset together and you
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  Speaker 1: have cuddle time as you do it. So you've got
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  Speaker 1: that connection, that physical touch. It's just brilliant. Well you've
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  Speaker 1: taken all of mine, I've got none left.
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  Speaker 2: Or you just mentioned distraction, We haven't really talked about that.
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  Speaker 2: I just kind of briefly mentioned at the start for
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  Speaker 2: little kids. But I don't think that we should overlooked
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  Speaker 2: just how valuable distraction is if the kids are not regulating, well,
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  Speaker 2: especially if they're young, but even if they're a bit bigger.
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  Speaker 2: It's amazing what you can do with distraction. I mean, hello, chocolate, chocolate,
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  Speaker 2: it's a distraction, comfort eating the best distraction. We don't
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: we need we need a new sponsor for the podcast.
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  Speaker 2: Hello Lint, just letting you know, chocolates here one of
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: the what's that is that the Three Brothers Chocolate company
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  Speaker 2: or something like that. I'm sure that there's a chocolate
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  Speaker 2: company out there that'll sponsor you, Kylie. I'm sure that
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  Speaker 2: there's someone and it will.
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  Speaker 1: So I know we're having a little bit of a
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  Speaker 1: quick about chocolate. And yes, it is a really good
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  Speaker 1: distraction for me as opposed to five four three two one.
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  Speaker 1: But let's get serious for a second. You know, it's
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  Speaker 1: easy to distract little kids. They're very very easy, well
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  Speaker 1: sometimes to distract, But as they get older and even
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  Speaker 1: into adulthood, what would be a good distraction if somebody
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  Speaker 1: is having a meltdown?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, because sometimes our children and even we as adults,
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  Speaker 2: really like to We get quite prideful about our anger.
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  Speaker 2: We really want to hold it and own it and say, no,
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  Speaker 2: you can't take this away from me right now, I'm
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  Speaker 2: feeling this and I need to feel it, and.
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  Speaker 1: Let's be real, sometimes we actually do need to work
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  Speaker 1: through that process.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, every now and again, it would be
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  Speaker 2: completely inappropriate to try to distract somebody from their anger.
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  Speaker 2: Mind you, if their emotions are really really high, I
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  Speaker 2: think that there are always useful things that we can
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  Speaker 2: do to bring that down. So I don't know that
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  Speaker 2: distraction is always going to be the best thing to do,
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  Speaker 2: but I know that there have been times where we've
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  Speaker 2: had crank kids and I said, Hey, let's go jump
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  Speaker 2: on the trampoline, or let's go for a swim, or
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  Speaker 2: let's go for a walk, let's take the dog, let's
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  Speaker 2: go to the park, kick a ball, throw a frisbee,
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: usually doing something physical, something active.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I remember a time when I was going through
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: a difficult experience. And a friend just showed up on
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: my doorstep and she said, you don't get to say no. Today,
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: we are going to the beach. I had been locked
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: up in the house for weeks, hadn't left, hadn't talked
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  Speaker 1: to anyone, and she literally just came and took me
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  Speaker 1: and didn't matter what I said. I couldn't get out
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  Speaker 1: of it. But once I got there, it was just
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  Speaker 1: such a grateful distraction to everything that was going on
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  Speaker 1: in my head.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, just about anything to cut that circuit.
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  Speaker 2: It might be come into the kitchen and help me
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: to stir the beans for dinner. It could be something
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: that simple. Or maybe let me read your story. It's
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: time for a story. We haven't been reading lately, and
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: this one's our favorite. Let's pull this one out and
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: just reconnect the other things that I think that you
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: can do if you'd need to help the kids to
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: resettle and regulate, get.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Outside, like green time.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, outside is so valuable, scrounds you and be active.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I've kind of touched on that with the
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  Speaker 2: distraction stuff. But you don't have to do it as
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  Speaker 2: a distraction. Sometimes you can do it as an intentional
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: activity to Sometimes the kids are climbing the walls because
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: they're climbing the walls. They've had enough of if you're
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: in Sydney, they have enough of lockdown and they just
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  Speaker 2: need outside physical activity, energy release. Our bodies are made
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: to move, and if we don't move our bodies, we
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: store up all of this energy and it comes out
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: in horrible emotions every now and again. And the last
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: one that I'm going to mention is connection. Sometimes, if
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  Speaker 2: the children are really, really, really dysregulated, sometimes if their
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  Speaker 2: emotion is a big the most important thing that they
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: can have from us is connection. Ironically, it's the time
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: that we least want to give it to them, but
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: it's the time that they probably need it the most.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Campfire marshmallows, Yeah, they're corn.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: Popped out of bunnings and grab one of those little
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: braziers and stoak it up. Grab a stick from the
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: back garden or from the local park and stick some
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: marshmallows on the end and away you go.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: Well, we hope that if you are struggling with some
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: high energy levels in your home at the moment, that
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: you might have found some answers to help you resettle.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if you enjoy the podcast, please leave ratings and
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: reviews at Apple Podcasts. Five star ratings and reviews help
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: other people to find out about the podcast and make
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: their family happier. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: Justin Rulon from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: Oh and if you'd like more info about how you
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: can make your family happier, we have this thing called
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: a Happy Family's membership. We give you weekly updates at
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: ideas about how you can make your family happier. All
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: the details are at happy families dot com dot a