Latest / Heartbeat of The Home / 13 - Emily's Birth Stories: Choosing Hope and Freedom From Anxiety

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13 - Emily's Birth Stories: Choosing Hope and Freedom From Anxiety · Heartbeat of The Home

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
0:01
SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate it.
0:02
SPEAKER_00: Today we have Emily with us, who's gonna be sharing her birth story.
0:07
SPEAKER_00: Stories.
0:07
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna do both of them.
0:09
SPEAKER_00: We uh know each other from church.
0:11
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know.
0:12
SPEAKER_00: I feel like in my mind it's like four or five.
0:14
SPEAKER_00: I know.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: I feel like in my mind I was gonna say two.
0:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you have a two-year-old.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: So Yeah.
0:22
SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, we moved to Connect Group and Yeah.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: Now I have kids.
0:27
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: Our her youngest, my son, five days apart.
0:32
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
0:32
SPEAKER_00: Which is crazy.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so tell me.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: Tell me about your family.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: Tell me about yourself.
0:36
SPEAKER_02: Well, my husband's name is Seth.
0:38
SPEAKER_02: We have two kids, um, Everly and Enzo.
0:42
SPEAKER_02: Everly is like two and a half.
0:44
SPEAKER_02: Enzo is like 16 months, and they were they're 15 months apart.
0:49
SPEAKER_02: So our family grew very fast.
0:52
SPEAKER_02: But Seth and I were married for five five years before we had kids.
0:57
SPEAKER_02: So I feel like we got to have like such a good foundation of our relationship before we jumped into having kids, which was just really fun.
1:05
SPEAKER_02: Nice to have.
1:06
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:06
SPEAKER_02: And our our kids are really fun and crazy and goofy, which lets me know they're comfortable being who they are.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: So that's good.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: What's your favorite thing about them right now?
1:19
SPEAKER_00: Each of them in their stages.
1:21
SPEAKER_02: Um, Everly is just talking so much and like mimicking so much of what we do, so we get to see it through her, which is like so funny.
1:33
SPEAKER_02: Uh like I know I say sorry a lot because Everly will always be like, oh, I'm sorry.
1:40
SPEAKER_02: I didn't see you there.
1:42
SPEAKER_02: Or whatever it might be.
1:44
SPEAKER_02: But it's been fun.
1:45
SPEAKER_02: It feels like I'm just talking to like my little friend now.
1:48
SPEAKER_02: That's so fun.
1:49
SPEAKER_02: And Enzo right now is just like climbing and running and doing things now.
1:57
SPEAKER_02: So he's very active, which is just fun to watch him figure those things out.
2:03
SPEAKER_02: And tell me about yourself.
2:04
SPEAKER_02: Me?
2:07
SPEAKER_02: I've become really passionate about living in your true identity in the Lord.
2:13
SPEAKER_02: And so that's been something that has been growing in the last year.
2:16
SPEAKER_02: This last year feels like a huge growth year.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: I've struggled with anxiety for my whole life, and that's been something that I feel like I've been finding more and more freedom from exponentially over the last year.
2:28
SPEAKER_02: Which has been so fun.
2:29
SPEAKER_02: But yeah, and besides that, I just like love being in nature and starting nature photography.
2:36
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, starting nature photography, trying my hand at it, and singing.
2:43
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, those are kind of my favorite things.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: What is your favorite thing about motherhood right now?
2:49
SPEAKER_02: My favorite things about motherhood right now is that I get I've been getting to see so much of how God sees me because of things he's showing me through my kids that I wouldn't get to see if I wasn't a mom.
3:04
SPEAKER_02: And so that feels really special that he would give me those sweet examples of them just to show me that he loves me so much, which is so cool.
3:16
SPEAKER_02: Like, even like we were at the zoo, and they obviously don't know where we're supposed to go, they just are wandering everywhere, and they're fixated on this weird statue.
3:28
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, there's a giraffe right there, and they're like, No, I want to climb on this statue.
3:35
SPEAKER_02: And then on my way out of the zoo, I was like, wow, that's totally like God.
3:42
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, no, I want this, this is secure, this is what I want.
3:46
SPEAKER_02: I think this is the best thing ever.
3:48
SPEAKER_02: And God's like, no, I have something really exciting for you right here.
3:52
SPEAKER_02: Just just come on, come on.
3:54
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
3:54
SPEAKER_02: It's just things like that.
3:55
SPEAKER_02: I feel like I get to have little realizations every day about that.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: That's also that's such a cool perspective, too.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: Of even like, and I feel like that's so cool for you to recognize that too in that moment of yeah, of just being like, wow.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
4:09
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so now going into your birth stories and stuff.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: So with Everly, how did you find out you're pregnant?
4:15
SPEAKER_00: Telling Seth and telling people in just that season.
4:20
SPEAKER_02: It was so fun.
4:21
SPEAKER_02: We both, Seth and I both worked from home at the same company.
4:25
SPEAKER_02: Um, and so we just like had offices right next offices right next to each other.
4:30
SPEAKER_02: And so we were just at home and he didn't know I was gonna take a test.
4:34
SPEAKER_02: Just in the middle of a work day.
4:36
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
4:37
SPEAKER_02: So whatever he talks about, he's like, I was not ready to hear what she was gonna say.
4:44
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, I'm just gonna take a test, but I didn't want to tell him because I was like, ah, it might be negative, whatever.
4:49
SPEAKER_02: And then I like it was positive right away, which my whole life I thought that it would take the whole three minutes to show whether it was positive or not, and you'd just be like, waiting.
5:00
SPEAKER_02: But it was right away.
5:02
SPEAKER_02: I was like, what?
5:04
SPEAKER_02: So then I just I like knocked on Seth's door and I went in there and I was like, honey, look.
5:11
SPEAKER_02: And he was like, What?
5:14
SPEAKER_02: We're gonna have a baby, and it was so fun.
5:17
SPEAKER_02: We couldn't stop laughing for probably half an hour.
5:21
SPEAKER_02: We were just laughing, because we're like, what?
5:23
SPEAKER_02: This is real?
5:24
SPEAKER_02: So fun.
5:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so that was really fun.
5:26
SPEAKER_02: It was fun to like tell other people too, like for his for his family, his family's huge because he has eight siblings and lots of them are married with kids.
5:35
SPEAKER_02: So we waited for family vacation because then everybody was gonna be in one place.
5:40
SPEAKER_02: And Seth was like, Oh, could I pray for everybody before the meal today?
5:45
SPEAKER_02: And then at the very end of the prayer, he was like, and thank you for this baby that's growing in Emily right now.
5:52
SPEAKER_02: And everybody was like, What?
5:54
SPEAKER_02: And they were like crying, and it was really, really sweet.
5:58
SPEAKER_02: So that was a fun core memory, but it was fun to tell everybody.
6:01
SPEAKER_02: But that one sticks in my head a lot.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: That was so sweet, it's so fun.
6:06
SPEAKER_00: And then how was your pregnancy?
6:08
SPEAKER_00: And how do you feel like God provided in that or like showed up for you uh throughout your pregnancy with a release?
6:14
SPEAKER_02: I was really nervous to be pregnant because I am like so afraid of nausea and feeling icky.
6:22
SPEAKER_02: And so I had just been praying that my experience would be mild, and God really did do that for me, which was so nice.
6:31
SPEAKER_02: Because I thought he would rid me of my fear by slapping me in the face with tons of nausea.
6:36
SPEAKER_02: I was like, Well, thank you, God, for being gentle, and like you always are, but I always think you won't be, so thank you for doing that.
6:43
SPEAKER_02: So it was like I just felt like car sick at night, but it was so mild.
6:48
SPEAKER_02: So I would just eat snacks and that made it better.
6:50
SPEAKER_02: Pregnancy was good, and it was only up until the 15-week point where I when I like finally, I like started feeling like better more myself fully, which was fun.
6:59
SPEAKER_02: I feel like I I my pregnant belly looks different than so many other people's, so that was annoying.
7:06
SPEAKER_02: But I'm really happy that I can be someone that other people can be like, oh sh, I have a weird belly and it's I'm not the only one.
7:14
SPEAKER_02: Okay, how is it weird?
7:17
SPEAKER_02: I'm not even kidding.
7:18
SPEAKER_02: Like the ultrasound tech multiple times because I had the same one for both pregnancies, was like, wow, you're shaped so uniquely.
7:28
SPEAKER_02: Because it was like it was like really out and like kind of almost pointed.
7:34
SPEAKER_02: It was literally like a rounded like pyramid.
7:36
SPEAKER_02: I was like, what?
7:38
SPEAKER_02: Why did it why do I have this belly?
7:41
SPEAKER_02: But it's okay.
7:43
SPEAKER_02: But uh just just the lady at the doctor literally agreed with she was like, wow, this is so unique.
7:51
SPEAKER_02: So so that was like kind of annoying.
7:54
SPEAKER_02: Um and that happened both pregnancies.
7:57
SPEAKER_02: Um pregnancy with with Everly was good, and the whole first trimester, I was thinking, me and Seth both thought it was a boy for sure.
8:09
SPEAKER_02: And then at our gender reveal, we like had a few people firing off confetti cannons, and I just remember like I had this core memory of pink confetti slowly floating through the air as I realized like that it was a girl.
8:27
SPEAKER_02: We were like, what?
8:30
SPEAKER_02: So that was just like a very exciting and fun thing to find out.
8:34
SPEAKER_02: I felt a lot more equipped to have a girl just because I didn't grow up around boys and I didn't have any brothers, and so it was just I felt more comfortable.
8:45
SPEAKER_02: Like, wow, I can do this, even though it'll still be hard.
8:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:50
SPEAKER_02: So that was just really fun.
8:53
SPEAKER_02: I really struggled with because like I said, I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, and for some reason, through this whole pregnancy, I really, I really didn't.
9:04
SPEAKER_02: It was very mild, if any, so it felt like I didn't, yeah, compared to the rest of my life.
9:11
SPEAKER_02: And I just really saw him in that way.
9:15
SPEAKER_02: I felt peace, and I was like, this is so crazy, and it is literally God, because there is no reason why I should be feeling the most peace of my life the first time I am pregnant and have extra hormones.
9:30
SPEAKER_02: Like fair.
9:31
SPEAKER_02: I was so confused, but so thankful.
9:33
SPEAKER_02: So that was really wonderful.
9:36
SPEAKER_02: That's probably the biggest, most like memorable way that God showed up for me during pregnancy.
9:42
SPEAKER_02: So another way that I saw God show up through my pregnancy was um I would go on walks every day with our dog.
9:51
SPEAKER_02: Every day on my walk, I would just put my hand on my belly and pray for Everly because we decided her name and like told everybody right away so that we could have everybody praying for her ahead of time.
10:03
SPEAKER_02: And I don't know, I just thought that would be fun.
10:05
SPEAKER_02: And then it kind of felt more real to us too.
10:08
SPEAKER_02: So every day on our walk on my walk, I would pray for her and that she would that God would protect her from anxiety and that she wouldn't have to experience that, and that somehow like those chains would be broken off of the generation because it's a generational thing in my family, and I had just been praying for that to be broken, and I was like, if I'm the one that has to do it, then do it through me so that she doesn't have to experience that.
10:32
SPEAKER_02: So I prayed for that the whole pregnancy, and then um fast forward to when we had her baby dedication, like a month after she was born, uh, a lot of Seth's family showed up, and one of her one of his uh sisters came up to me afterwards.
10:50
SPEAKER_02: Uh, there was a nice prayer time in the middle where the the family members and friends would pray over the baby too.
10:56
SPEAKER_02: Um, and afterwards she came up to me and was like crying.
11:01
SPEAKER_02: She was like, Emily, and she didn't know any of this that I had been praying that for her.
11:07
SPEAKER_02: And she was like, Emily, I don't know if this means anything to you, but when I was praying over you, I feel like God said Everly is protected from anxiety and she won't have to go through it.
11:22
SPEAKER_02: And he she got the word that Everly will be free from anxiety just like her mama.
11:29
SPEAKER_02: I was like, wow, that means that I get to be free from anxiety in my lifetime too.
11:35
SPEAKER_02: That's so cool.
11:37
SPEAKER_02: And she said she literally saw an like a visual, like a vision of chains breaking.
11:42
SPEAKER_02: That's awesome.
11:43
SPEAKER_02: And she didn't know that multiple generations have struggled with that in my family.
11:48
SPEAKER_02: So it was just so special.
11:50
SPEAKER_02: I just, yeah, I really, and I totally see that in Everly.
11:54
SPEAKER_02: I'm sure she'll have like everyday regular anxieties that kids do.
11:58
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
11:58
SPEAKER_02: But I just totally see that in her already, in the way that she's just so adventurous and extroverted and fearless and goes up to everybody and talks to them as if they've been friends forever.
12:10
SPEAKER_02: And you're like, Stranger, danger.
12:12
SPEAKER_02: Please, please don't do that.
12:14
SPEAKER_02: But but it's so it's so sweet to see that already in her in little ways.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: That's so special.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: And that's so cool that she didn't know that she didn't even know that you've been praying for that.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: So that's so cool.
12:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I feel like that's even more meaningful when it's someone that has no idea, and then you're like, whoa, the only way they could possibly know that.
12:34
SPEAKER_00: Or like, here's God.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: And then what were you envisioning for your birth and trusting God for?
12:41
SPEAKER_00: Um not much.
12:45
SPEAKER_02: I I feel like I'm the person I'm the kind of person that like some people want to do tons of research and watch videos and know what they're in for.
12:56
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, honestly, for me, that would not be helpful because I would just picture all of the worst parts of it, and it would not be helpful.
13:05
SPEAKER_02: So I did the opposite and I didn't look anything up and I didn't read any books, and I was just like, God, it's gonna happen one way or another.
13:14
SPEAKER_02: So I just pray that you would take me through it and that you would help me.
13:19
SPEAKER_02: Um, and it was great because then leading up to it, like I said, like this pregnancy in general, I didn't experience really much anxiety, like very much anxiety.
13:28
SPEAKER_02: And so even the week leading up to birth, I was like, this is gonna be fun.
13:34
SPEAKER_02: But I so I didn't have much of a vision for it, besides that I was really excited to like hold her afterwards because everybody talks about the the glowy, like what's it called?
13:45
SPEAKER_02: Golden hour, yeah, where you get to hold your baby and you forget about everything, supposedly, and it's so nice.
13:52
SPEAKER_02: And so I was like, whatever happens, I'm just excited for that.
13:55
SPEAKER_02: Um but yeah, so then like the day of my due date that night, so I guess technically the day after, but literally that day, my water broke at like one in the morning, and I'm so thankful.
14:13
SPEAKER_02: It happened over the toilet.
14:14
SPEAKER_02: It was I didn't spill anywhere.
14:16
SPEAKER_02: I was like, whoa, extra points.
14:21
SPEAKER_02: We were like, okay, it's happening.
14:22
SPEAKER_02: There we go.
14:23
SPEAKER_02: And I feel like I was so calm.
14:26
SPEAKER_02: I was really proud of myself and thankful that the Lord was doing this in me.
14:31
SPEAKER_02: And Seth was making the bed because he knows that makes me feel good when I get home and the bed is made.
14:36
SPEAKER_01: So I love that he thought of that.
14:38
SPEAKER_01: It was so sweet.
14:39
SPEAKER_02: But and we got to the hospital and I didn't know if they were gonna take me or if I was supposed to labor for a while first.
14:48
SPEAKER_02: I had literally had no idea, Kristen.
14:51
SPEAKER_02: So I showed up and I was like, hi, my water broke.
14:56
SPEAKER_02: Can I have a room here?
15:00
SPEAKER_02: Like, Mary, can I have a room at the inn?
15:04
SPEAKER_02: And so they're like, oh, yeah, definitely.
15:06
SPEAKER_02: I was like, oh, phew, I thought you literally were gonna send me home and say, nope, you need to labor at home.
15:11
SPEAKER_02: So that was great.
15:12
SPEAKER_02: Um, me and Seth had so many laughs about all the gross things we experienced together and all the things that he saw.
15:19
SPEAKER_02: I tell him he's I this isn't true because I gave birth, but I tell him that he's stronger than me because he had to see everything.
15:27
SPEAKER_02: And I did not.
15:28
SPEAKER_02: Not true, but but it was just fun to have him with me because we laugh about our fa like the way that we bond and feel close together is always through laughter and like making fun.
15:42
SPEAKER_02: And so that whole experience was I feel like we were able to make light of it, which is I feel like a gift.
15:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
15:50
SPEAKER_02: I think the worst part that I think about for the birth part was just that I could not breathe through my nose at all.
15:57
SPEAKER_02: Like weeks leading up to this, also, but I could not breathe through my nose.
16:01
SPEAKER_02: Because you were sick.
16:02
SPEAKER_02: Yes, because when we got there, I found out, I forgot to say that.
16:08
SPEAKER_02: I literally when we got there, I just mentioned that I had a stuffy nose.
16:13
SPEAKER_02: And I kind of wish I did it.
16:15
SPEAKER_02: They said they were gonna just test me for a few different things just to make sure I wasn't sick, sick.
16:22
SPEAKER_02: But we had just come from Seth's family Christmas, like a few days ago, and it was, I mean, there's so many people, and a couple of them had pretty bad sicknesses.
16:36
SPEAKER_02: We didn't know what they what they were because then they tested me.
16:39
SPEAKER_02: So the doctors tested me for a few different things, and they left, and I was assuming it would be nothing.
16:46
SPEAKER_02: When they came back in, they were in these, this isn't the right term, but they were in like hazmat suits.
16:51
SPEAKER_02: That's crazy.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so that's terrifying.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're just laying there in labor and you're like, Yeah, it's is there like an outbreak in the hospital?
17:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
17:01
SPEAKER_02: So I wasn't envisioning much, but I was not envisioning that.
17:06
SPEAKER_02: So my heart just dropped.
17:08
SPEAKER_02: I got really scared, and they had to tell me that I had COVID and RSV.
17:16
SPEAKER_02: So then at the same time as they came in to tell me this, the epidural guy came in.
17:23
SPEAKER_02: So I was just processing how okay, I'm not gonna get to see my family afterwards then.
17:30
SPEAKER_02: Oh wow, yeah.
17:31
SPEAKER_02: And no one's gonna be able to come meet the baby.
17:35
SPEAKER_02: And so that was really sad to process already because everything was gonna be different.
17:40
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
17:41
SPEAKER_02: And my parents and my sister, my sister's my bestest friend ever.
17:45
SPEAKER_02: My parents and my sister were all waiting in the waiting room.
17:47
SPEAKER_02: Oh, so they wouldn't let anyone come in?
17:49
SPEAKER_02: No, they weren't.
17:50
SPEAKER_02: I didn't well, I didn't know.
17:51
SPEAKER_02: Oh, okay.
17:52
SPEAKER_02: Because I asked, and they were like, I don't know, but I don't think so, but I can ask.
17:56
SPEAKER_02: So it seemed like they weren't gonna be able to.
18:00
SPEAKER_02: Um, and and then they're like, okay, sit up straight and really still for the epidural.
18:06
SPEAKER_02: And I was like sobbing because I couldn't breathe through my nose, and my whole mouth was dry, and I'm just crying because I couldn't, I didn't know if I was gonna see my family or what birth was gonna look like now, and I was panicking that I was sick.
18:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
18:23
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, what is that even what do these things do to you?
18:25
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
18:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
18:27
SPEAKER_02: So that was a bummer.
18:29
SPEAKER_02: But then, and then the epidural didn't really work very well.
18:33
SPEAKER_02: So that was also a bummer.
18:35
SPEAKER_02: I still felt a lot more than I should have.
18:38
SPEAKER_02: Based on what they were saying, they were like, Yeah, it shouldn't feel like that.
18:42
SPEAKER_02: And but they were like, keep just try it out, press the button whenever it says you can press the button for a little boost of it, and it didn't really do anything, but to redo it, I would have to sit up straight again in the middle of labor and get it done again.
18:55
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, Okay, well, this is just happening the way it's happening.
18:59
SPEAKER_02: Oh, and I forgot to say this, but when my water broke, there was they found meconium in the fluid, and so they knew that she might have that in, I don't know, her lungs, or yeah.
19:13
SPEAKER_02: Um, so they were all also watching for that.
19:16
SPEAKER_02: So when I when I started feeling like I had to push, they brought in um a NICU team, and just a there were so many people in our room, and everybody had to wear these hazmat suits and just so much gear.
19:32
SPEAKER_02: I didn't even know who was like helping.
19:35
SPEAKER_02: That felt scary too.
19:36
SPEAKER_01: Yes, it was very scary.
19:39
SPEAKER_02: Seth was so sweet the whole time.
19:41
SPEAKER_02: He was just tending to me, giving me one ice chip at a time to wet my mouth, and like I've never had such bat.
19:50
SPEAKER_02: I was like, my lips, I can't feel my lips, they're so dry.
19:55
SPEAKER_02: It was the worst thing ever.
19:56
SPEAKER_02: And he would come over with a cute tip with VIX on it and put it above my above my lip, even though you're not supposed to do that, but just to give me a chance at breathing.
20:07
SPEAKER_02: And so then, anyways, luckily the actual delivery part, I mean, pushing was an hour and 45 minutes.
20:16
SPEAKER_02: So I've heard so much worse, and I'm very thankful for that.
20:20
SPEAKER_02: And then afterwards, they were like, Okay, we're gonna have to see if she coughs or cries, because if she doesn't, then we have to take her to the NICU station right here and make sure everything's okay.
20:32
SPEAKER_02: So they set her on me for like I don't know, five seconds, and they were like, Okay, yep, it doesn't sound like she's crying.
20:40
SPEAKER_02: They went over there and did aspiration stuff to her, um, and then they transferred her over to me, but only for like 10 seconds so that I could get a picture with her, and then they took her away because I had COVID and RSV.
20:59
SPEAKER_02: So they took her away, and they also they were concerned about her breathing, and so they said, Okay, we're gonna take her um just to get her keep her checked out and monitor her.
21:10
SPEAKER_02: And in my head, I thought they were gonna bring her back, yeah, because duh.
21:15
SPEAKER_02: But then later they came to my room and like my recovery room, and I also had to be in like a special recovery room because of all this sickness, and they were like, You're actually not gonna be able to see Everly until you're until we've sorted things out and until you're not contagious.
21:42
SPEAKER_02: And it was like so it was awful.
21:46
SPEAKER_02: I was so crushed because I was really trying to stay positive.
21:49
SPEAKER_02: Because you just gave birth and all these hormones, and then wow.
21:53
SPEAKER_02: I know.
21:53
SPEAKER_02: So I was really sad because literally the only thing I was excited for was to hold her, and then I didn't get to uh And Seth had to keep leaving me and going to check on her so that she wasn't alone.
22:05
SPEAKER_02: Because we both felt so sad that she was by herself, kind of.
22:08
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I know there's doctors, but but no, it's not the same.
22:11
SPEAKER_02: No, and so and she was being like monitored for she was hooked up to so many things just because of like her breathing and wanting to make sure her lungs were okay, um, and wanting to make sure she didn't have whatever I had, all those things.
22:26
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, so he had to keep going between me and her, and it was also really sad because he didn't want to get sick, yeah, so that he couldn't see her either.
22:38
SPEAKER_02: Because right now he was allowed to go to the NICU and I wasn't.
22:43
SPEAKER_02: So we wanted to keep it like that, yeah.
22:45
SPEAKER_02: Otherwise, none neither of us could see her.
22:48
SPEAKER_02: And but because of that, then he really distanced himself from me physically, and that was so hard because I literally had just given birth, and I understood why he would do that because I it makes sense, like I don't want our baby to not have someone to see either.
23:05
SPEAKER_02: But I was just so sad and felt so alone, and all I wanted was a hug, and I didn't have anyone to hug me, but it was, I mean, the really sweet part was that in the hospital, my I mean, my mom and my sister didn't care, they just came in and hugged me, and my sister stayed back an extra day from teaching so that she could see see me and be there for the delivery.
23:36
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Madison, I'm so sorry.
23:38
SPEAKER_02: I didn't even get to see her.
23:41
SPEAKER_02: And I was so in awe.
23:43
SPEAKER_02: She cried and said, Emily, I only wanted to be here for you.
23:48
SPEAKER_02: You didn't like no, I'm not let down at all.
23:51
SPEAKER_02: I just wanted to be here for you because I love you, and I'll see her a different time.
23:55
SPEAKER_02: And it was just so sweet.
23:58
SPEAKER_02: So lots of good things happened in the middle of it, but it was really hard.
24:02
SPEAKER_02: Um, yeah.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry that that was your it's okay.
24:07
SPEAKER_00: That's so hard.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: No, just like especially I'm sure Seth felt so torn too, and I'm so glad though that your mom and sister were there for you to support you and take care of you because that's what you needed.
24:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
24:21
SPEAKER_00: So then how long was it until you're able to see her?
24:26
SPEAKER_02: It's so silly that I'm so emotional about it because it wasn't that long.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm compared to- You just gave birth like genuinely five minutes is too long in that stage.
24:38
SPEAKER_00: No, like it is, it is so nothing yeah, like it's not silly at all.
24:45
SPEAKER_00: Because that's like even just hormonally, like, even for yeah, no, yeah, not silly.
24:52
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's totally fine for thanks.
24:55
SPEAKER_00: I can't even imagine.
24:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
24:57
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, so it was four days.
25:00
SPEAKER_02: Um, and I think one of the saddest things was leaving the hospital without a baby.
25:06
SPEAKER_02: I cried the whole way home, and I just couldn't believe that that happened.
25:12
SPEAKER_02: Um, because you know, you see all like the picture of the dad carrying the baby out, and I was like, wow, this is so not what I wanted.
25:21
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
25:22
SPEAKER_02: Um, and like at night I had to wake up to pump and there was no baby.
25:27
SPEAKER_02: Um, I could watch her on a NICU cam.
25:29
SPEAKER_02: So I would just like sit there and look at her NICU cam.
25:34
SPEAKER_02: Um, but those really sad moments in the middle of the night um were the places where God met me for sure.
25:42
SPEAKER_02: Like I sat there and I felt I felt God so close to me, just holding me and saying it was gonna be okay.
25:49
SPEAKER_00: But I'm sorry, I'm crying too.
25:50
SPEAKER_02: I didn't think it was me cry.
25:52
SPEAKER_02: Um, but yeah, so it was really hard, but I still think of that as one of the times that I felt the closest to the Lord because He's He's close to the brokenhearted and he leads moms gently.
26:03
SPEAKER_02: Um and I just really felt that in that moment, which was just like so, so cool.
26:10
SPEAKER_02: And then when Seth did get to bring her home, I uh I just felt so excited that I got to hold her.
26:18
SPEAKER_02: And the stupid thing is I had to wear a mask still for like five days, and I was too scared to not do it because we didn't know what is like postpartum brain here, just and like I'm like, what if I kissed her right on the face by accident?
26:33
SPEAKER_02: Because that's second nature, yeah, and so I was like, ah, I should, but I got to hold her for just so long, and it was so nice to just actually feel that.
26:43
SPEAKER_02: And Seth was so just waiting, waiting on me hand in foot, making sure I got to have all the sweet time that I wanted to have.
26:53
SPEAKER_02: Um, so that was really sweet, really sweet.
26:56
SPEAKER_02: And by that time, I kind of was feeling better from COVID and RSV too.
27:01
SPEAKER_02: So that was helpful, yeah.
27:05
unknown: Yeah.
27:05
SPEAKER_00: So then how did that affect your postpartum experience?
27:08
SPEAKER_00: And how was your postpartum experience with her?
27:10
SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
27:12
SPEAKER_02: I look back at that time and I just feel like I mean, also it was the dead of winter.
27:17
SPEAKER_02: So that and I didn't have a lot, yeah.
27:20
SPEAKER_02: I didn't have a lot going for me, like natural light-wise.
27:27
SPEAKER_02: And so it was just dark a lot.
27:29
SPEAKER_02: And I feel like I look at that time with like it just feels like there's clouds over it.
27:34
SPEAKER_02: Like, just like I picture darkness.
27:36
SPEAKER_02: I look at that time as like just really sad.
27:39
SPEAKER_02: I felt it was like all of the anxiety that I hadn't been feeling came back, and I was so dysregulated.
27:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:47
SPEAKER_02: Is that the and I like I hadn't had panic attacks in so long, in like at least a year.
27:53
SPEAKER_02: And I had like three in the first month.
27:56
SPEAKER_02: And I think it was like the weight of realizing that someone depends on me.
28:00
SPEAKER_02: And so it was like I'd feel anxiety anyways, just because of you know, having a newborn and everything was crazy, but then it would spiral because I realized wait, I can't be anxious right now.
28:15
SPEAKER_02: I have to be strong because I have a baby that's depending on me.
28:19
SPEAKER_02: And so then that was terrible.
28:21
SPEAKER_02: It was a terrible cycle, and then it made the anxiety worse.
28:24
SPEAKER_02: And I just remember being overcome with like shakes, and and I'm so thankful for Seth's mom.
28:31
SPEAKER_02: She came and stayed with us because she does that for everybody when they have a baby in the family, and um, so she was out taking care of Everly, and I'm so thankful for her.
28:41
SPEAKER_02: And and Seth just sat with me and was so confident that everything was gonna be okay.
28:48
SPEAKER_02: Um, and I remember having a really nice conversation with my mom too, where she she realized how bad it was because she's had anxiety.
28:57
SPEAKER_02: And she's like, Well, like, don't feel bad if you need to increase your medication, your anxiety medication.
29:05
SPEAKER_02: And she asked me some really honest questions and was like, Well, like, are you even it doesn't sound like you're looking forward to the next day.
29:13
SPEAKER_02: Are you looking forward to anything?
29:16
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, honestly, no.
29:18
SPEAKER_02: I just I'm trying to get through every day, and I hated feeling like that because I just wanted to enjoy being with my baby, and I feel like my expectations for what it would be like was just not what it was like.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: Um then I feel like mom guilt sets in because you're like, everyone says the newborn bubble and how this is like the most beautiful time, and they're just like, just enjoy watching us enjoy it, and I'm like, I'm supposed to enjoy this.
29:44
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, and it's just like I feel like then that adds on to the guilt.
29:48
SPEAKER_02: So you're like, am I the only one that feels this?
29:51
SPEAKER_02: And I'm so thankful for that conversation with my mom.
29:54
SPEAKER_02: And some of Seth's sisters came over every once, like one at a time, every once in a while, and each one of them is so vulnerable and sweet and kind and made me feel very normal for that, which was really wonderful.
30:07
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
30:08
SPEAKER_02: Um, so then I I got to increase my anxiety medication and I felt like honestly a lot better.
30:14
SPEAKER_02: And I started enjoying enjoying motherhood more.
30:18
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
30:18
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
30:19
SPEAKER_02: I'm so sorry it was so hard for you.
30:21
SPEAKER_02: That's okay.
30:22
SPEAKER_02: It's hard for so many people.
30:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but and so I hope that I hope that people can hear this and feel like they were late and like they're not alone.
30:29
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
30:30
SPEAKER_02: Because I know that it's not just me.
30:32
SPEAKER_02: I feel like I was finally getting the hang of things when I had to go back to work.
30:37
SPEAKER_02: And luckily I had a very long maternity leave.
30:39
SPEAKER_02: So I'm really thankful for that.
30:40
SPEAKER_02: I put her back in, I put her into daycare, which was really hard.
30:45
SPEAKER_02: And we when I went back to work, it just felt like I kept having to take days off so that I could take care of her because she got something from daycare.
30:54
SPEAKER_02: So then I was like, this feels kind of pointless and not helpful.
30:58
SPEAKER_02: And then the only full days I was spending with her are the days when she's sick.
31:02
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
31:03
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, this is so sad.
31:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
31:05
SPEAKER_02: And we had planned for me to be a stay-at-home mom eventually.
31:08
SPEAKER_02: And so we sped up the timeline, which I was really thankful for.
31:11
SPEAKER_02: And then a couple weeks before I stopped, I was done with my job.
31:19
SPEAKER_02: Um, we found out I was pregnant with end zone.
31:23
SPEAKER_00: So, how was that?
31:25
SPEAKER_00: Pregnancy tests, like finding out what was that process?
31:29
SPEAKER_00: That was very different.
31:31
SPEAKER_02: I because I was excited to just be a stay-at-home mom in general.
31:37
SPEAKER_02: And I finally felt like I was, I like I said, I felt like I'd got the hang of things finally.
31:43
SPEAKER_02: And then I didn't get a chance to even be a normal normal stay-at-home mom, whatever that looks like.
31:49
SPEAKER_02: And because I was pregnant and really did like just, you know, down with you know, nausea and being tired.
31:58
SPEAKER_02: But I remember just being like, I'm a little bit late.
32:02
SPEAKER_02: That's weird.
32:04
SPEAKER_02: And so, kind of the same thing.
32:06
SPEAKER_02: I didn't tell Seth I was gonna go take a test, but he knew, like, we had been talking.
32:11
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I'm a little nervous, but we're like, ah, it's fine.
32:15
SPEAKER_02: I'm literally, I mean, our baby's like seven months old.
32:18
SPEAKER_02: That would be wild.
32:20
SPEAKER_02: And then I it was the same, it literally was immediate positive, and I just felt like I just felt like shock.
32:29
SPEAKER_02: I felt giddy, I felt excited, but I also just felt so overwhelmed.
32:34
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
32:35
SPEAKER_02: But I came out to the kitchen where Seth was just getting ready for work, and this poor guy.
32:42
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Seth, look.
32:46
SPEAKER_02: He was like, no way.
32:50
SPEAKER_02: He was like, All right, we're doing this.
32:52
SPEAKER_02: This is gonna be awesome.
32:54
SPEAKER_02: It's all good.
32:55
SPEAKER_02: So that was a wonderful response for someone who was panicking a little bit.
32:59
SPEAKER_02: But yeah, it was, and just two weeks before that, he we were on the phone on his way home from work.
33:06
SPEAKER_02: He had a different job at this point.
33:08
SPEAKER_02: And so he was driving home from work.
33:10
SPEAKER_02: We were we were talking just about everything in life, and he randomly said, you know, I'm excited for our next baby.
33:19
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, What do you mean?
33:21
SPEAKER_02: Like, when do you think we're gonna have gonna have a baby soon?
33:25
SPEAKER_02: And he was like, I don't know, but whenever it is, I'm I'm just excited for it.
33:30
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, that's so sweet.
33:32
SPEAKER_01: And then two weeks later, we thought it was like who knows you were out.
33:36
SPEAKER_01: God prepared you.
33:39
SPEAKER_00: Yes, how was your pregnancy with Enzo?
33:42
SPEAKER_00: And how did God provide in that?
33:44
SPEAKER_02: Oh, my pregnancy with him was so much better.
33:46
SPEAKER_02: It was so much better.
33:47
SPEAKER_02: And the first one wasn't even that bad.
33:48
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, I felt like any nausea I had was gone by like 10 weeks.
33:53
SPEAKER_02: Love it.
33:54
SPEAKER_02: And with I really I felt like I couldn't, I could only eat specific things and it was very picky.
33:59
SPEAKER_02: And with Enzo, I was just hungry for everything.
34:02
SPEAKER_02: Love it, which was so fun because then I just ate everything I wanted, and that was great.
34:08
SPEAKER_02: Wait, actually, there was something scary that happened in that pregnancy that I totally forgot about because of how the Lord just totally redeemed it.
34:15
SPEAKER_02: When I was like, we had told people at this point, so I think I was like 15 weeks.
34:21
SPEAKER_02: Me and Seth and Everly were about to do Everly's bedtime, and all of a sudden I realized I was bleeding.
34:29
SPEAKER_02: And I stood up and I was like, Seth, I'm bleeding.
34:32
SPEAKER_02: And he was like, Like, he just like we both were like, wait, what?
34:38
SPEAKER_02: It was crazy, and so I was like, Okay, we should call my mom.
34:44
SPEAKER_02: And luckily, my parents live so close.
34:47
SPEAKER_02: So my mom and dad came over and picked up Everly.
34:50
SPEAKER_02: Everything I was experiencing really felt like and sounded like what a miscarriage is.
34:56
SPEAKER_02: And so, but I felt at peace.
34:59
SPEAKER_02: I was like, you know, it's okay.
35:01
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I don't know what this is right now, and maybe it's nothing.
35:05
SPEAKER_02: So we're just gonna go with that mindset.
35:07
SPEAKER_02: So we went to the emergency room, and it was like such a long night.
35:12
SPEAKER_02: We were there for I mean, I think we got there at like seven and stayed there until like three in the morning.
35:19
SPEAKER_02: So it was a very long night of not a lot of answers.
35:24
SPEAKER_02: Um, but the whole time it I really did feel at peace.
35:28
SPEAKER_02: Me and Seth were like, I don't know, making jokes about things we were seeing and trying to keep it light.
35:35
SPEAKER_02: Um, we were also like praying through everything and looking for chances to help people because we were like, okay, we're in the emergency room right now, and that's a very special, unique place to be already.
35:49
SPEAKER_02: So if we're here right now, then there's also probably people that God would want us to help or pray for.
35:54
SPEAKER_02: And so I got to pray for a couple people, which was really special.
35:57
SPEAKER_02: And before I left, I got to see one of them again, and they were still waiting for their results.
36:01
SPEAKER_02: And I got to just like touch base before we left, which was really sweet that God would let me do that.
36:07
SPEAKER_02: Um, but all the testing felt just so mechanical and like no one was giving me any answers.
36:14
SPEAKER_02: No one there knows anything specifically about labor and delivery.
36:17
SPEAKER_02: On the ultrasound, it looked like his heart was beating.
36:21
SPEAKER_02: I I mean, she didn't give me any clarification.
36:24
SPEAKER_02: I was like, so his heart's beating?
36:26
SPEAKER_02: Give me some peace of mind.
36:27
SPEAKER_02: I was like, yes.
36:27
SPEAKER_02: And she was like, yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
36:30
SPEAKER_02: I can't tell you what that means.
36:32
SPEAKER_02: I was like, okay, I get it.
36:35
SPEAKER_02: But um You're so kind.
36:38
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
36:39
SPEAKER_02: Finally, we got to the the back part where they actually take you and see you.
36:44
SPEAKER_02: We were kind of waiting and we felt optimistic, but then this person came in.
36:50
SPEAKER_02: Uh, the actual doctor came in.
36:52
SPEAKER_02: She was like, I just got off the phone with the OB on call or whoever it is that they go to for advice about baby things.
37:00
SPEAKER_02: And she was like, It looks like you have a uh some kind of hematoma, basically like a tear and bleeding around your placenta, which should not be there.
37:10
SPEAKER_02: She was like, and it could heal, usually those things could heal on their own, but yours is really large.
37:16
SPEAKER_02: So the doctor's not optimistic.
37:20
SPEAKER_02: So CNOB this week, and have a nice night.
37:25
SPEAKER_02: Literally, I was discharged after that and I was crushed.
37:29
SPEAKER_02: That was the worst.
37:31
SPEAKER_02: They gave me nothing.
37:33
SPEAKER_02: I was like, wow, this is really sad.
37:36
SPEAKER_02: So I have this thing that could heal on its own, but apparently it's really big, and I just have to go home.
37:44
SPEAKER_02: So that was weird.
37:45
SPEAKER_02: Luckily, the bleeding kind of stopped.
37:48
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
37:48
SPEAKER_02: Um, it it really slowed, at least.
37:51
SPEAKER_02: Um, and then I I had an appointment with my OB the day it opened.
37:55
SPEAKER_02: I think it was Monday.
37:56
SPEAKER_02: The lady I saw was so nice that morning.
37:59
SPEAKER_02: I was just praying, and I was like, no, I'm not gonna let fear get me because I don't need to do that.
38:06
SPEAKER_02: No.
38:07
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, I'm taking this back and I am not gonna have fear, and I'm gonna listen to praise and worship this morning, and everything's gonna be fine.
38:16
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna believe that no matter the outcome, God will give me peace.
38:20
SPEAKER_02: And I I really felt calm going into the appointment.
38:26
SPEAKER_02: Um, and then when I when I got to meet with the actual OB, she was like, she's like, hey, the heartbeat is strong.
38:35
SPEAKER_02: Sounds like he's doing great in there, and I see no reason why this wouldn't heal on its own.
38:40
SPEAKER_02: She was like, I mean, there's always the chance.
38:42
SPEAKER_02: Love that.
38:43
SPEAKER_02: I know I was like, what?
38:44
SPEAKER_02: And honestly, at first I was annoyed because I was like, these people made it seem like the baby was not gonna make it.
38:51
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
38:52
SPEAKER_02: And she made me feel like I was full of hope.
38:54
SPEAKER_02: But you know what?
38:55
SPEAKER_02: I decided to believe that it was honestly a miracle in between because I mean, they weren't trying to scare me.
39:03
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's just what the OB person told her to say.
39:06
SPEAKER_00: How was it like after going through Everly's birth and just how honestly traumatic that was?
39:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
39:14
SPEAKER_00: So then how were you praying for and like what were you believing for for Enzo's birth?
39:19
SPEAKER_02: Um, yeah, for Enzo's birth, I decided to have hope because I know that the Lord wants us to have hope because faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen.
39:29
SPEAKER_02: That's some version of it.
39:30
SPEAKER_02: So I knew I was supposed to have hope, even though having hope makes me feel nervous.
39:34
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, nope, I'm not gonna feel nervous, I'm gonna have hope.
39:37
SPEAKER_02: And I kind of made like a vision board on Pinterest of just I would just pin happy things about holding your baby when they're born and them being all wrapped up next to you, cute safe pictures of a husband holding a mama, um, and like siblings, like little siblings sitting by each other in their little matching pajamas and just things that I was hoping for.
40:05
SPEAKER_02: And as far as the actual birth, uh I mean that was supposed to go into it, but for the birth, then I also you gave me, did you give me this idea to write verse cards?
40:15
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, you gave me that idea, and you even gave me a little a little set that you made me, which was so sweet.
40:23
SPEAKER_02: Um, and I made I made a really big, thick stack of love and prayer things to go through.
40:30
SPEAKER_02: Um, and like months leading up to the birth, I would read through those where I put them in categories for whatever I needed.
40:38
SPEAKER_02: It's like no fear, no anxiety.
40:40
SPEAKER_02: Those are all and just love, God's comfort, all the different kinds of categories you could have, and just like very simple verses about that.
40:49
SPEAKER_02: Because then I was like, I'm gonna shove out all the bad stuff by putting in a bunch of good stuff.
40:54
SPEAKER_02: So that was my hope.
40:56
SPEAKER_02: Um, I still felt nervous about it, but also I was like, it can't really be worse than last time.
41:03
SPEAKER_02: So it's gonna be fun.
41:06
SPEAKER_02: It was fun to like say goodbye to Everly one more time as just her only kid self.
41:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
41:14
SPEAKER_02: Um, and the night before she was having trouble falling asleep, which never happens.
41:19
SPEAKER_02: But I realized while I was holding her, I was like, wow, I haven't gotten to hold her before bed like this and snuggle her like this in a while.
41:26
SPEAKER_02: And she's not really a snuggler, anyways.
41:28
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, oh, this is such a gift from the Lord before I have another baby entering the world that I get to just like be with her.
41:36
SPEAKER_02: So that was really special.
41:38
SPEAKER_02: So it's fun to like put her with grandma and grandpa, and she was excited to be with them.
41:43
SPEAKER_02: Um, and she had no idea what was happening because she was only 15 months old.
41:48
SPEAKER_02: Um, but yeah, so then we got an induction.
41:52
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, the same day that she told me I could do an elected induction, they called me that night at like five, and we're like, hey, it was so casual.
42:03
SPEAKER_02: I was not expecting this.
42:04
SPEAKER_02: I didn't know what to expect.
42:06
SPEAKER_02: But they were like, hey, you want to come in for an induction tonight?
42:10
SPEAKER_02: We have you on the list and we have an opening tonight.
42:12
SPEAKER_02: I was like, what?
42:15
SPEAKER_02: When do you when would you want me to come in?
42:17
SPEAKER_02: They're like, uh, what's good for you?
42:19
SPEAKER_02: Like six.
42:20
SPEAKER_02: Um and then she was like, maybe that's too too soon.
42:23
SPEAKER_02: I want to give you time to shower and get ready to come over.
42:26
SPEAKER_02: Maybe seven?
42:27
SPEAKER_02: I was like, yeah, seven sounds good.
42:30
SPEAKER_02: It was just so casual.
42:32
SPEAKER_02: We got there and everything just felt very calm this time, which I was very thankful for.
42:38
SPEAKER_02: The nurse team that took care of me was so kind, and I I just felt very taken care of.
42:44
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, they they started the induction process.
42:48
SPEAKER_02: So it was fun.
42:49
SPEAKER_01: I got to actually be chatting with my friends while this was happening, um, which felt really special and really took the pressure off.
42:57
SPEAKER_01: No, you were just like texting me.
42:58
SPEAKER_00: You were like, I actually didn't know that you were induced.
43:01
SPEAKER_00: Oh, really?
43:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that.
43:03
SPEAKER_00: You had texted me, like, Kristen, like I think I'm so that's why I had no idea you were generally until you said this, I didn't know because you were like, I think I'm like having a baby, like I'm going into labor.
43:15
SPEAKER_00: You were like, we're gonna have our babies on the same day.
43:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then you were just texting me, like, and I was so excited for you, and I was just like, Oh gosh, Prairie.
43:23
SPEAKER_00: And like I kept checking my phone because I was like, oh my gosh, this is so exciting.
43:26
SPEAKER_00: But I kept in my phone and you kept texting me, and I was like, Oh my gosh, girl, you're in labor.
43:31
SPEAKER_00: Like you and then you kept giving me updates, and I was like, you don't have to.
43:35
SPEAKER_00: Like, I love it, and I'm so excited that you are, but like it was so fun.
43:41
SPEAKER_02: The whole thing just felt like there was this overcast of everything's gonna be okay in it, which was so fun.
43:49
SPEAKER_02: So, you getting those texts and being like, What?
43:52
SPEAKER_02: It's very it's a great picture of what I was feeling because I felt totally fine to do that.
43:59
SPEAKER_02: Um, and I On my chart, my OB put a special note that was like, please be extra careful with the epidural because it did not work last time.
44:08
SPEAKER_02: And the guy that came in was so careful and so nice, and it worked so much better than the first one.
44:15
SPEAKER_02: I obviously, like we said, like I still felt things.
44:17
SPEAKER_02: It was different.
44:18
SPEAKER_02: Oh, a motorbike.
44:20
SPEAKER_02: But yeah, so that was so nice.
44:22
SPEAKER_02: Crazy to get induced.
44:24
SPEAKER_02: It was such a weird feeling.
44:26
SPEAKER_02: And they ended up having to give me some Pitocin to get the contractions actually going.
44:32
SPEAKER_02: Um, because what they did first didn't work.
44:34
SPEAKER_02: But I mean that was fine.
44:35
SPEAKER_02: They started it really, really low and slow, and they kept checking on me, and I literally was totally fine.
44:41
SPEAKER_02: Seth had gotten us snacks, and I mean nothing was happening.
44:45
SPEAKER_02: We were listening to worship music.
44:48
SPEAKER_02: We brought we brought our speakers so we could listen to that.
44:50
SPEAKER_02: He would read me my verses.
44:52
SPEAKER_02: Um, there was a point where I started shaking a lot, and during my first birth, I was shaking the whole time.
44:58
SPEAKER_02: I didn't mention that, but that it felt like a panic attack for so long.
45:02
SPEAKER_02: I was like, wow, this is awful.
45:04
SPEAKER_02: And I didn't want that.
45:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
45:06
SPEAKER_02: So I was shaking and I kind of was writing it off as oh, this is just what happens during people's births.
45:12
SPEAKER_02: Because it does, yeah, it does.
45:14
SPEAKER_02: But it was happening way at the beginning before I was feeling any contractions or anything.
45:19
SPEAKER_02: And so I was like, So Seth was really good because he knew I didn't want to experience an overshadow of anxiety throughout this.
45:27
SPEAKER_02: So he was like, Emily, this is anxiety.
45:31
SPEAKER_02: And I know that some of this can be birth, but I also know that you're really strong, and this part seems like anxiety to me.
45:37
SPEAKER_02: Based on how I know you and have seen this in you, like you you can beat this.
45:42
SPEAKER_02: So let's pray about this together and take some deep breaths.
45:46
SPEAKER_02: And he took deep breaths with me because I did I feel silly taking them by myself.
45:50
SPEAKER_02: And we just played like my favorite worship song, and like literally on repeat for so long, all the poor people in the hospital times.
46:01
SPEAKER_02: Uh better than probably what they have heard, but um, yeah, and then I I stopped, the shaking stopped.
46:07
SPEAKER_02: So thank you, Jesus, for that.
46:09
SPEAKER_02: Because then I didn't have to feel that until I think literally when I was giving birth.
46:13
SPEAKER_02: So I'm so thankful for that.
46:15
SPEAKER_02: And then this time I only pushed for 10 minutes.
46:19
SPEAKER_02: Literally, it was such a crazy flip.
46:22
SPEAKER_02: I everything felt fine, like I said, and Seth was like, okay, well, I'm gonna take a walk, I think, to warm to like keep myself awake.
46:32
SPEAKER_02: And he just like was gonna take a lap.
46:34
SPEAKER_02: And literally the second he left, which was also when the nurse left, because she had just talked to me and everything was fine.
46:40
SPEAKER_02: The second they left, I was like, whoa, I totally am in labor.
46:48
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna have a baby.
46:50
SPEAKER_02: And so I like pressed the button.
46:51
SPEAKER_02: I was like, hey, I think I'm gonna have a baby.
46:54
SPEAKER_02: Can someone come in here?
46:56
SPEAKER_02: They're like, Yeah, just wait one second.
46:58
SPEAKER_02: And Seth was gone.
46:59
SPEAKER_02: So I was texting him.
46:59
SPEAKER_02: I was like, wait, can you come back?
47:01
SPEAKER_02: And I was worried the service wasn't gonna reach him in the hospital because it wasn't, it was spotty.
47:06
SPEAKER_02: And luckily he came back.
47:08
SPEAKER_02: And then when the nurse got in there, but the doctor was delivering a different baby, so and it was the only doctor.
47:15
SPEAKER_02: And so they were like, it they basically were like, just hold it.
47:19
SPEAKER_02: I was like, What?
47:20
SPEAKER_02: I I don't feel like I can.
47:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, which no, I'm having a baby, yeah.
47:25
SPEAKER_02: And they were like, they were like, she'll be in in like 10 minutes.
47:29
SPEAKER_02: And I kept watching the clock, and it had been way more than 10 minutes.
47:32
SPEAKER_02: I'm pretty sure I held this baby in for like 30 extra minutes.
47:37
SPEAKER_02: I kept watching, I was like, please.
47:39
SPEAKER_02: So at one point I was finally like, please, if anyone in here can deliver a baby, please just bring them in because I can't wait any longer.
47:49
SPEAKER_02: I was like gripping the bar and telling the lady, I was like, I'm not gonna make it.
47:55
SPEAKER_02: She was like, you can do it.
47:57
SPEAKER_02: These people were so casual.
47:59
SPEAKER_02: Anyways, the doctor finally came in when they had given me the okay already to be like, okay, fine, just you can start pushing.
48:05
SPEAKER_02: And so that's actually when the doctor came in, luckily.
48:08
SPEAKER_02: And then I only pushed pushed for 10 minutes and they were like, Oh, you're so close.
48:13
SPEAKER_02: And I mean, they told me that so long with Everly.
48:16
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, So I actually said after they said, because they said it a couple times, and I actually was like, guys, how close am I actually?
48:28
SPEAKER_02: Because I don't know if I believe you.
48:30
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
48:31
SPEAKER_02: And Seth was Seth hold held my leg for both pregnancies.
48:34
SPEAKER_02: He was like, You can do it.
48:35
SPEAKER_02: He was very in there, in the in the moment, present dad.
48:39
SPEAKER_02: And he he turned to me, he's like, No, Emily, that I see the head, like the shoulders are next.
48:45
SPEAKER_02: All you have to do is one more big push.
48:47
SPEAKER_02: You can do it.
48:48
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Oh, I just thought you guys were all lying.
48:51
SPEAKER_02: So I just did like one more push and I got the baby out.
48:54
SPEAKER_02: It was crazy, and then I got to hold him.
48:58
SPEAKER_02: It literally just felt like the best day ever and like so redemptive.
49:03
SPEAKER_02: It was literally the opposite.
49:04
SPEAKER_02: When Everly was born, it had just started snowing outside, which I have now come to understand as like a season that was gonna be really cold and dark and hard for me, but also beautiful.
49:17
SPEAKER_02: And then when Enzo was born, the sun was just rising.
49:20
SPEAKER_02: I'm not even kidding.
49:21
SPEAKER_02: And it was the National Day of Happiness because it was the first day of spring.
49:25
SPEAKER_02: It was seriously crazy and so redemptive in so many ways, and I just got to hold him for so long.
49:32
SPEAKER_02: It was beautiful, and he was so chill, he was a very calm baby, so it just felt like I was covered, I was being covered in God's peace and protection, and yeah, it was beautiful.
49:46
SPEAKER_00: And then how was postpartum like going into postpartum with Enzo?
49:50
SPEAKER_02: Um postpartum, I was nervous because for Everly I wasn't able to breastfeed her because she was in NICU for so many of the first days of her life that she got used to bottles.
50:00
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
50:01
SPEAKER_02: I I didn't end it didn't end up working for her, and it was causing anxiety for both of us, and like she would get so angry every time.
50:08
SPEAKER_02: And so I was like, you know, right now, with all the hard stuff I already went through, this is not a battle I'm gonna fight.
50:14
SPEAKER_02: So then with Enzo, I was like, Oh, I really hope it works.
50:18
SPEAKER_02: But whenever I would feed him, I just felt like this depression come over me, and it wouldn't just last for that moment, it would it lasted like for hours.
50:29
SPEAKER_02: And so then, and it was going fine, like he was able to latch and all that stuff, but it it just made me so deeply sad in a time where I didn't need to feel sad, so I was really confused, and I think it just I mean, honestly, it it might have been just from trauma from the first time.
50:48
SPEAKER_02: Um, but my mom was so sweet, she was like, because I was like, no, I can do hard things, I know I could do hard things, and I hate that phrase because I don't want to do hard things, so I don't care if I can do hard things, but I was like, no, I know I can.
51:02
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and she was so kind because she was like, Emily, you are doing a hard thing.
51:07
SPEAKER_02: You did a hard thing by being pregnant while you had a baby.
51:11
SPEAKER_02: You did a hard thing.
51:12
SPEAKER_02: You're doing a hard thing by having two under two.
51:15
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you don't have to do all the hard things.
51:17
SPEAKER_02: So if this isn't something you want to keep going with, like you don't need to put this on yourself.
51:22
SPEAKER_02: So I felt really thankful for that.
51:24
SPEAKER_02: And I felt like a burden lift off of me, like right when she said that.
51:27
SPEAKER_02: It was like it was like my subconscious was waiting for someone to release me of that burden.
51:32
SPEAKER_02: And yeah, so then I just had to feed him with formula and he's totally fine.
51:37
SPEAKER_00: And so then, and then like mentally, were you was that better?
51:41
SPEAKER_02: Um, I feel like everything felt really hard because of 202.
51:48
SPEAKER_02: He was so honestly a very easy baby.
51:51
SPEAKER_02: So I'm very thankful for that.
51:53
SPEAKER_02: And God knew that with a crazy firstborn, we would need a calm secondborn.
51:57
SPEAKER_02: So that was really nice too because so many people were trying to prepare us for having a crazier, and we were like, I don't think you understand.
52:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, everyone's a goofy, wound-up kid.
52:09
SPEAKER_02: But we were like, I don't know, maybe they're right.
52:11
SPEAKER_02: So it was really nice that God knows he gave us a very calm little boy, um, and he slept really good, but but even with all that, I mean, we still had two or two, so it felt like a lot.
52:22
SPEAKER_02: And I actually I'd never wanted to do therapy before because it felt really scary.
52:27
SPEAKER_02: But one of my friends encouraged me and was like, it's a really hard thing to do, but I think it would really help you.
52:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
52:34
SPEAKER_02: Um, she's like, take it or leave it, but I think it would help you.
52:37
SPEAKER_02: And she already had someone that she really trusted, which was so nice because one of the parts I didn't want to do was go through finding someone that you felt like you connected with.
52:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
52:46
SPEAKER_02: And thank you, Jesus, because I met with this woman and she just felt like a spiritual mother to me immediately, and just spoke life over me and truth over me.
52:57
SPEAKER_02: She brought the Bible into everything, and it it just felt like like she just kept saying, We're gonna get you walking in freedom, Emily.
53:05
SPEAKER_02: We're gonna get you walking in freedom, we're gonna wage war against this battle with anxiety.
53:09
SPEAKER_02: You're gonna be okay.
53:11
SPEAKER_02: Um, and it was so nice.
53:12
SPEAKER_02: I just felt so, so much relief meeting with her and and throughout the course of the last like year, then um, I've just felt continual healing from anxiety and continual reassurance that I'm able to do this and be a mom of two.
53:31
SPEAKER_02: And I feel so strong that God gave me the abilities to like fight against the anxiety and just I mean, not even fight against, but just release the burdens that I was carrying to because I didn't know how to do that, and I didn't know what that meant or what it felt like or what it looked like.
53:45
SPEAKER_02: It just felt like something nice that people said like just give it to Jesus.
53:50
SPEAKER_02: You know, like I was like, try it.
53:51
SPEAKER_02: I don't know what that means.
53:53
SPEAKER_02: And so for me, it literally meant putting my hands up in annoyance and being like, God, I can't handle this anymore.
54:01
SPEAKER_02: So you deal with it.
54:03
SPEAKER_02: And it had to start out sassy for me because that was the only way I could tell myself, like, no, I'm not, I can't do this.
54:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, only God can.
54:12
SPEAKER_02: And I mean, that was the start of feeling more capable as a mom, like more life-giving as just uh the heart of the home.
54:22
SPEAKER_02: And I feel like God gave me the ability to really live in that better.
54:27
SPEAKER_02: And that was like brought great healing in our marriage that I didn't know we needed.
54:33
SPEAKER_02: Because I mean, when you have stress and anxiety, I mean, everyone feels it.
54:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, especially your spouse.
54:40
SPEAKER_02: And so it was it was really nice to be able to have like throughout this, which is crazy because it was postpartum.
54:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and my hormones were crazy, and I did have anxiety, yeah, but the way that I was dealing with it was so different than before, and everybody in our household could feel it, and I could feel it.
54:58
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, it's so beautiful, yeah.
55:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm so proud of you for starting that because I don't know, I know therapy is life-changing, but it's so hard to start, and I so resonated with what you said of wanting to find someone that fit.
55:11
SPEAKER_00: I feel like that made me not want to do it for a while because you hear so many people like, yeah, it can be really hard to find someone that fits, and it's so scary to start.
55:21
SPEAKER_00: And so it's like, okay, well, am I going to start these conversations and open up to someone and realize that they're not the right fit, and then I have to do that over and over.
55:28
SPEAKER_00: It's just almost like putting yourself out.
55:30
SPEAKER_00: There's so many times, and like I am so thankful that the first person that I met with, I will say, I think the difference is, and like even with your therapist, is their like how rooted they were in God.
55:44
SPEAKER_00: Like, I think it makes a difference because genuinely, I think if I would have met with anyone at the office that I went to, I would have been fine.
55:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
55:50
SPEAKER_00: Because they all it was a very like faith-based where I think that does make a difference.
55:56
SPEAKER_00: We all have the same goals, and it's just like being closer to God and like healing through God.
56:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
56:03
SPEAKER_00: And it's not just like, okay, process what you're going through.
56:06
SPEAKER_00: It's like why?
56:07
SPEAKER_00: And like, what does God say about this?
56:09
SPEAKER_00: And like, okay, what do we need to pray for for healing in your life?
56:12
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
56:13
SPEAKER_00: So I think that is a big difference.
56:14
SPEAKER_00: But I'm just really proud of you for making that steps for yourself and your family, and like breaking that generational curse of anxiety.
56:22
SPEAKER_00: Like, praise God that you broke it with every like you're setting your home up for future generations so like no one will experience it entering into your home.
56:30
SPEAKER_00: You know, so thank you.
56:32
SPEAKER_00: That's beautiful.
56:33
SPEAKER_00: And just like you talking, everything you were saying just about the ER of like how can I serve people being here was just yeah.
56:41
SPEAKER_00: You just have such a beautiful heart of like being a servant and every situation that you said.
56:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like you sitting in the ER thinking that you potentially are losing your baby and you are praying for other people is just like so beautiful.
56:58
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
56:58
SPEAKER_01: And so I don't know why.
57:00
SPEAKER_00: So emotional.
57:02
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, thank you.
57:03
SPEAKER_00: But you're just like such a gift because you know, that like you could be experiencing loss and you're like hoping and praying for healing for other people.
57:11
SPEAKER_00: And so thank you for doing that for people and just being such a big white and uh incredible mom.
57:18
SPEAKER_00: And for sharing your story, because I feel like so many people can resonate.
57:22
SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, you can hear over these stupid bugs.
57:25
SPEAKER_00: I know.
57:25
SPEAKER_00: Are they cicadas?
57:26
SPEAKER_00: Is that what that is?
57:27
SPEAKER_00: They're so little, you know, this is the podcast.
57:32
SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
57:32
SPEAKER_00: This is real life.
57:33
SPEAKER_00: It's real life.
57:34
SPEAKER_00: Nobody can hear us over the bugs, but um, but no, hopefully, so many moms can resonate with your story and even just like hearing your healing with anxiety and just the process you're going through, and just that hopefully if someone's considering starting therapy that yeah, they hear this and this is like their permission or push to do it because just how much better you'll be on the other side for it.
57:56
SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
57:57
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for taking the time to record this with me.
58:00
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for having me.
58:02
SPEAKER_00: This was so fun.
58:03
SPEAKER_00: This was so fun.