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The Rules Were Hidden from You · The Financial Feminism Podcast

0:15
You were told to work hard.
0:18
That was true, but it was also incomplete.
0:22
Because hard work can earn us a paycheck,
0:26
build a reputation, keep a household running, carry
0:30
a team through a crisis, and help a
0:34
woman survive almost anything.
0:37
But hard work doesn't automatically teach you ownership
0:41
and how it works.
0:43
It doesn't explain why two people can earn
0:47
similar salaries and build completely different financial lives.
0:53
It doesn't show you how one person learns
0:56
to invest at 25, while another person does
1:00
not even hear the word compounding until they're
1:03
45.
1:05
It doesn't teach you why somebody asks about
1:08
equity before accepting the job, while someone else
1:13
is simply grateful to receive the offer.
1:16
It doesn't explain why one business owner studies
1:20
profit.
1:22
Taxes, contracts, and intellectual property, while another works
1:27
twice as hard and still owns very little
1:31
beyond this month's revenue.
1:33
Most women were given visible instructions.
1:37
Study, work, be dependable, right?
1:42
Don't complain, pay your bills, take care of
1:47
your family, be grateful.
1:49
And here's another one, don't ask for too
1:51
much.
1:53
Now, the hidden rules were different.
1:56
Learn the language, get access to the room,
1:59
ask before you agree, start before you feel
2:03
ready, protect your time, understand the terms.
2:09
Own something that can grow without requiring another
2:13
hour of your labor.
2:16
Those rules were not always written down.
2:20
You know, sometimes they travel through families, sometimes
2:25
through professional networks, sometimes through conversations women weren't
2:30
invited into, sometimes through quiet observations made at
2:35
dinner tables where money was discussed openly.
2:39
And sometimes the rules remain hidden because everyone
2:42
who knew them assumed everyone else knew them
2:45
too.
2:46
Then a woman struggled.
2:49
She worked, she sacrificed, she stretched, she did
2:54
everything she had been told was responsible, but
2:58
she still felt behind.
3:00
And instead of questioning the rule book, she
3:03
questioned herself.
3:05
And that's why I want you to hold
3:08
onto this sentence today.
3:10
When the rules are hidden, struggle is not
3:14
failure.
3:15
It's evidence.
3:17
Evidence that something important may never have been
3:20
explained.
3:22
Evidence that responsibility was handed to you before
3:26
context.
3:28
Evidence that you were expected to produce an
3:31
outcome without being shown the system that created
3:34
it.
3:35
That doesn't mean every decision was outside your
3:39
control.
3:40
It doesn't remove accountability.
3:42
It does mean you can't accurately judge yourself
3:48
until you understand the rules you were actually
3:51
given.
3:53
An instruction tells you what to do.
3:56
A rule helps you understand the outcome is
4:00
created.
4:02
So when we're talking about the differences between
4:04
a rule and an instruction, save money is
4:07
an instruction.
4:09
Understanding where to keep short-term savings.
4:13
What inflation does over time, how an emergency
4:17
fund differs from a long-term investment and
4:19
why consistency matters is part of the rule
4:23
book.
4:24
Get a good job.
4:26
That's an instruction.
4:28
Understanding compensation, benefits, retirement matching, vesting,
4:35
negotiation, taxes, career mobility, and the difference between
4:41
income and ownership is part of the rule
4:44
book.
4:45
Start a business.
4:46
That's an instruction.
4:48
Understanding pricing, cashflow, profit, contracts, taxes, risk systems,
4:58
customer acquisition, and intellectual property.
5:01
That is part of the rule book.
5:04
Buy a house.
5:05
That's an instruction.
5:07
Understanding total cost, interest, maintenance, insurance, taxes, location,
5:17
opportunity cost, and what happens if your income
5:20
changes is part of the rule book.
5:24
Women have never lacked instruction.
5:27
We've been surrounded by them.
5:29
What many women lacked was the explanation underneath
5:33
the instruction.
5:35
Why does this matter?
5:37
What are the trade-offs?
5:39
Who benefits?
5:41
Who carries the risk?
5:43
What happens over 10 years?
5:46
What changes if I leave?
5:48
What happens if I stay?
5:50
What am I building besides another obligation?
5:54
I know what it is to be excellent
5:57
at visible work.
5:58
You finish the degree, you work the shift,
6:01
you lead the team, you solve the problem,
6:05
you answer the message, you meet the deadline,
6:08
you handle what everyone else forgot.
6:11
That kind of competence earns trust, but financial
6:15
ownership often grows through work that is less
6:19
visible.
6:21
Reading that agreement before signing, reviewing the benefits
6:26
before choosing, asking how compensation is structured, learning
6:32
the tax consequence before money moves, understanding who
6:36
owns the asset, and putting systems around income
6:41
so it can become something more durable, so
6:44
the visible work gets applause, the invisible rules
6:49
create leverage, and many women were taught to
6:53
become impressive without being taught to become protected,
6:59
and I call this the hidden rules gap.
7:02
It's the distance between what a woman was
7:05
expecting to accomplish and what she was actually
7:09
taught about how financial advantage is created, and
7:14
the gap usually appears in five places, access,
7:19
language, permission, time, and ownership.
7:27
So let's walk through them.
7:29
Rule number one, access changes what you see.
7:33
Before someone can use a financial rule, she
7:36
has to encounter it, and now that sounds
7:39
really obvious, but access is not evenly distributed.
7:43
Some people grow up hearing adults discuss mortgages
7:46
and retirement plans and insurance and business ownership
7:51
and investment and taxes.
7:53
They may not understand everything as children, but
7:57
the language becomes familiar.
8:00
Other people grow up in homes where money
8:02
appears only during a crisis.
8:06
The conversation isn't about strategy.
8:09
It's about what is due, what can wait
8:13
and what can't, what must be cut, who
8:16
needs help, which emergency happened this time.
8:20
Both homes may contain loving, hardworking people, but
8:24
the children are receiving different financial exposure.
8:29
One learns that money can be discussed and
8:32
planned and invested and transferred.
8:35
The other learns that money is private.
8:39
It's stressful.
8:40
It's scarce.
8:41
It's dangerous.
8:42
And then both enter into adulthood and are
8:45
treated as though they started with the same
8:47
map.
8:49
Access also happens through work.
8:52
One employee has a manager who explains how
8:55
to negotiate, how to document impact and which
8:59
role builds the right experience.
9:02
Another employee is praised for loyalty and given
9:05
more work.
9:07
One entrepreneur has a network that talks openly
9:10
about pricing and margins and taxes and capital.
9:15
And another entrepreneur is surrounded by people who
9:18
create revenue, but never ask what remained after
9:23
expenses.
9:25
One woman has someone who says, before you
9:28
sign, let us review the terms.
9:31
Another woman has no one to ask.
9:33
She signs simply because she doesn't want to
9:36
look difficult.
9:38
That is an access gap.
9:39
And when access is missing, women often blame
9:43
themselves for not knowing information they were never
9:47
close enough to hear.
9:50
Rule two, language controls the room.
9:54
Vesting, liquidity, amortization, beneficiary, diversification, equity, basis,
10:05
deductible, escrow, compounding.
10:08
None of these words is proof that the
10:11
person using them is smarter than you.
10:14
They are vocabulary and vocabulary can be learned.
10:20
But when people speak as though every term
10:23
is obvious, a woman may stay quiet rather
10:26
than reveal that she needs an explanation.
10:30
And since that happens, it's silence.
10:34
And then silence gets mistaken for agreement.
10:37
And then agreement becomes a signature.
10:40
And then guess what?
10:41
A signature becomes a long-term obligation.
10:45
And then years later, she says, I should
10:48
have known.
10:49
No, you should have understood before you were
10:52
expected to decide.
10:54
And that's different.
10:56
The goal is not to become fluent in
10:59
every financial language overnight.
11:02
And the goal is simple, is to stop
11:06
signing in a language that you don't understand.
11:12
Ask what the term means.
11:15
Ask for an example.
11:17
Ask what it changes.
11:19
Ask what it costs.
11:21
And then ask what happens if circumstances change.
11:26
A responsible question is not an interruption.
11:30
It's part of the decision.
11:33
This episode is brought to you by the
11:35
Financial Feminism Community.
11:37
If today's conversation is making you think differently
11:40
about your own value, you're exactly the kind
11:44
of woman we created this community for.
11:47
Financial Feminism is more than a podcast.
11:50
It's a movement helping women recognize their value,
11:54
strengthen their financial confidence, build wealth, embrace technology
11:59
and create opportunities for themselves and the generations
12:03
that follow.
12:04
You don't have to figure it out alone.
12:07
Join us and connect with women who are
12:09
building businesses, advancing careers and refusing to play
12:13
small.
12:15
Visit OwnThePurse.com to learn more.
12:19
Rule three, permission determines what you ask for.
12:24
Many financial rules are technically available to anyone,
12:30
but availability and permission are not the same
12:34
thing.
12:35
A woman may be allowed to negotiate and
12:38
still feel that negotiating makes her ungrateful.
12:42
She may be allowed to ask about a
12:44
fee and still worry that the question makes
12:47
her look cheap.
12:49
She may be allowed to request time before
12:51
signing and still feel pressured to decide immediately.
12:55
And she may be allowed to set a
12:57
financial boundary and still believe love requires her
13:01
to say yes.
13:02
She may be allowed to charge more and
13:05
still feel that the confidence will be mistaken
13:08
for arrogance.
13:10
Culture teaches women many lessons, many quiet lessons.
13:16
Be easy to work with.
13:18
Don't make people uncomfortable.
13:22
Don't talk too much about money.
13:24
Don't appear too ambitious and don't let success
13:28
change you.
13:30
Help when someone asks.
13:33
Be thankful for the opportunity.
13:35
There's nothing wrong with gratitude and generosity and
13:41
humility or collaboration, ladies, but any virtue can
13:46
become expensive when it's used to silence your
13:49
questions or erase your boundaries.
13:53
Gratitude doesn't require you to accept unclear terms.
13:58
Generosity doesn't usually require any kind of self
14:02
-destruction.
14:05
Humility doesn't require underpricing your work.
14:10
And collaboration doesn't require giving away ownership you
14:16
don't understand.
14:18
Permission changes the sentence.
14:22
Instead of asking, will they think I'm difficult?
14:26
You ask, do I understand enough to make
14:29
this decision?
14:31
And instead of asking, should I be grateful
14:34
for what they offer?
14:35
You ask, does this offer reflect the value,
14:41
responsibility, and market?
14:44
Instead of asking, how can I help without
14:47
disappointing anyone?
14:49
You ask, what can I give without compromising
14:52
my own stability?
14:55
You don't need permission to become reckless.
14:58
You need permission to become informed.
15:01
Rule four, time multiplies the rules you know.
15:07
See, time is one of the quietest financial
15:09
advantages.
15:11
People often talk about money as though the
15:14
difference is simply how much someone earns, income
15:18
matters, but time changes what income can become.
15:23
A woman who learns about retirement contributions early
15:27
has more years for consistency and compound growth
15:32
to work.
15:33
A woman who understands credit before she needs
15:37
an emergency loan may have more options.
15:40
A woman who learns to price profitably before
15:44
her business becomes busy, avoid scaling an unprofitable
15:49
model.
15:50
A woman who understands ownership before her career
15:54
peaks can use her strongest earning years to
15:57
build assets.
15:59
The rule is not that everyone should have
16:02
known everything at 22.
16:05
The rule is that earlier access creates more
16:09
time for the information to produce results.
16:13
And when a woman says, I'm behind, they
16:17
may be comparing their current outcome to someone
16:21
who received the rule 10 or 20 years
16:24
earlier.
16:25
That comparison removes the timeline.
16:29
It hides the starting point.
16:32
It makes a delayed introduction look like a
16:35
personal failure.
16:37
You can't go back and meet the rule
16:39
earlier, but you can stop delaying the next
16:42
introduction.
16:44
Late is not the same as powerless.
16:47
A rule learned today still changes tomorrow.
16:51
And the goal is not to punish yourself
16:54
for the years before you knew.
16:56
The goal is to stop wasting the years
16:58
after you knew.
17:01
Rule five ownership changes what remains.
17:05
This may be the most important hidden rule.
17:08
Make sure you jot this down.
17:11
Income and ownership are not the same thing.
17:16
Income pays you for work.
17:19
Ownership gives you a claim on something that
17:22
can retain value, produce value, grow, or be
17:28
transferred.
17:30
That may be a business, equity, a retirement
17:34
account, an investment, intellectual property, a home, depending
17:40
on the cost and the circumstances, right?
17:42
A system that produces revenue, a product, a
17:47
book.
17:48
A license, a process, a brand, a contract
17:53
that protects your rights.
17:55
And many women have spent years increasing their
17:57
capacity to work without increasing the amount that
18:01
they own.
18:02
They become more efficient and more reliable or
18:06
credentialed.
18:07
They even become more available.
18:10
Their value increased, their workload increased, but the
18:14
ownership did not.
18:16
And that's why a woman can look successful
18:19
and still feel financially vulnerable.
18:23
The title is real.
18:24
The income is real.
18:25
The accomplishments are real.
18:27
But if the income stops, too much of
18:29
the structure may stop with it.
18:32
Ownership asks a different question.
18:35
What remains after the work is finished?
18:37
What continues after the shift ends?
18:40
What belongs to you after the contract closes?
18:43
What can I grow without requiring you to
18:47
repeat the same hour forever?
18:50
What can be transferred to the next generation?
18:54
See, get this.
18:56
A paycheck rewards labor.
18:59
Ownership rewards labor, judgment, time, and structure.
19:05
Today's episode is also presented by Own The
19:08
Purse.
19:09
Financial feminism isn't about chasing money.
19:11
It's about creating choices.
19:13
Whether you're building a business, growing your career,
19:18
embracing technology, or learning how to create lasting
19:21
wealth, Own The Purse was created to give
19:24
women practical tools and a community that believes
19:29
in building together.
19:30
Visit OwnThePurse.com and become a part of
19:33
a movement that's helping women recognize their value
19:36
before the world tells them what they're worth.
19:40
Hidden rules do not remain hidden only because
19:44
someone deliberately guards them.
19:47
Sometimes they remain hidden because women are embarrassed
19:51
to admit what they don't know.
19:54
A mother doesn't discuss money with her daughter
19:56
because her own history feels painful.
19:59
A professional woman doesn't ask about investing because
20:02
she believes her education should prepare her.
20:06
A business owner doesn't admit she doesn't understand
20:09
cash flow because people assume the business is
20:12
successful.
20:13
A wife doesn't ask for access to accounts
20:16
because she doesn't want to create conflict.
20:19
An employee doesn't ask about compensation because she's
20:23
afraid the offer will disappear.
20:26
Silence makes missing knowledge look private.
20:30
When every woman thinks she's the only one
20:34
who doesn't understand, nobody asks the question out
20:37
loud.
20:38
The room stays quiet.
20:40
The rule remains hidden.
20:43
The shame repeats.
20:45
This is why conversations matter.
20:48
Not careless conversation, not unqualified advice.
20:54
Conversation that allows women to say, I do
20:58
not understand this yet.
21:00
And if you were listening to our previous
21:03
podcast, you understand the magnitude of that word
21:06
yet.
21:07
What question should I ask?
21:10
What does the term mean?
21:13
Which professional handles this?
21:16
What did you wish I had known?
21:19
What should I compare?
21:21
What belongs in writing?
21:23
What makes this safer?
21:25
A question can interrupt a pattern that has
21:29
lasted for years.
21:30
I want to give you a practical exercise.
21:34
It's called the evidence audit.
21:36
Choose one area where you have repeatedly felt
21:41
behind.
21:42
Maybe it's retirement, maybe it's debt, investing, salary,
21:50
business profit.
21:51
There are many things, insurance, taxes, financial boundaries,
21:56
household access.
21:58
Whatever it is, and now ask five questions.
22:02
First, what was I expected to do?
22:06
Be specific, say for retirement, choose benefits, build
22:11
credit, price my services, protect my family, invest,
22:16
manage the household finances.
22:18
And then second, what was I actually taught?
22:23
Not what you believe you should have known,
22:26
but what were you actually taught?
22:28
What did someone clearly explain?
22:31
What did you see modeled?
22:34
What did you practice with guidance?
22:37
And then third, which part of the hidden
22:39
rules gap was missing?
22:42
Was it access, language, permission, time, or ownership?
22:49
Fourth, what did the missing rule cost?
22:52
Money, time, confidence, opportunity, peace, maybe even control.
23:00
And then fifth, what becomes possible now that
23:05
I can name the rule?
23:08
That question matters because evidence is not a
23:11
sentence, evidence is information.
23:14
If the rule was access, your next move
23:18
may be finding the right room or resource,
23:23
mentor, or professional.
23:25
If the rule was language, your next move
23:29
may be learning the 10 terms connected to
23:33
the decision in front of you.
23:35
If the rule was permission, your next move
23:39
may be asking the question, negotiating, pausing, or
23:44
saying no.
23:45
If the rule was time, your next move
23:47
may be starting now instead of waiting the
23:51
perfect amount, age, or moment.
23:54
And if the rule was ownership, well, your
23:56
next move may be identifying what you can
23:59
begin building beyond income.
24:02
Three moves that expose a hidden rule.
24:07
I want to leave you with three moves.
24:10
Ask, compare, own.
24:14
Ask one question you've been embarrassed to ask.
24:18
Not on social media where anyone can answer,
24:21
ask the person responsible for the account or
24:24
benefit, agreement, service, or decision, ask a qualified
24:30
professional when the issue requires one.
24:34
Ask until the language becomes clear enough for
24:37
you to explain it back.
24:40
Compare at least two versions of the decision,
24:44
two offers, two fee structures, two timelines, two
24:47
professionals, two ways to solve the problem.
24:51
Comparison reveals rules that a single option can
24:55
hide and then identify what you own.
24:58
What right do you have?
25:00
What documents should you receive?
25:03
What account can you access?
25:06
What asset are you building?
25:09
What part of your work can become intellectual
25:11
property, equity, a system or product, what remains
25:18
after the money is spent, ask, compare, own.
25:23
Those three moves do not solve every financial
25:27
problem.
25:28
They change the position from which you face
25:31
it.
25:33
Sometimes learning that a rule was hidden brings
25:36
relief.
25:38
Sometimes it brings anger.
25:40
You may think about what could have been
25:42
different.
25:43
The offer you might have negotiated, the retirement
25:47
contribution you might have started, the agreement that
25:51
you may not have signed, or maybe you
25:55
shouldn't have signed, the business you might've priced
25:59
differently, the boundary you might have set, let
26:04
yourself tell the truth about the cost, but
26:07
don't build a home inside the anger.
26:11
The point of all of this and exposing
26:14
the rule is not to stay focused on
26:16
who you knew first is to decide what
26:21
you will do now.
26:23
Once the rule becomes visible, the struggle becomes
26:26
teachable.
26:27
And once it becomes teachable, it becomes usable.
26:31
Once it becomes usable, it can become transferable.
26:36
That is how one woman changes more than
26:39
her own outcome.
26:41
She teaches her daughter the language.
26:44
She tells her son why the question matters.
26:47
She explains the benefit to a younger colleague.
26:50
She puts the agreement in writing.
26:52
She discusses money before crisis.
26:55
She shares the rule without sharing somebody else's
26:59
private information.
27:00
She makes access normal.
27:03
That's legacy.
27:05
Not only what you leave, what you reveal.
27:10
Before next week, complete one page of the
27:14
Missing Rule Book Cycle Workbook.
27:17
Choose one financial situation, write what you were
27:21
expected to do, write what you were actually
27:25
taught, circle the missing rule, access, language, permission,
27:33
time, ownership, and then share one sentence with
27:38
one woman that you trust, not your private
27:41
numbers.
27:42
Okay.
27:42
Not the details of your agreement.
27:45
Share the rule.
27:48
Say, here's one financial rule I learned later
27:51
that I should have had to learn.
27:54
Then ask her what rule was hidden from
27:57
you.
27:58
That is how we stop turning missing information
28:01
into private shame.
28:03
You were told to work hard, kept that
28:06
rule.
28:07
Hard work matters, but add the rules that
28:11
were missing.
28:12
Get access.
28:14
Learn the language.
28:15
Give yourself permission to ask and use the
28:20
time you have now.
28:23
Build ownership.
28:24
Don't judge your struggle without examining the rule
28:28
book you received.
28:30
Don't call yourself behind without examining when you
28:35
were introduced to the information.
28:37
And ladies don't confuse unfamiliar language with a
28:40
lack of intelligence.
28:42
Don't confuse gratitude with silence.
28:46
Don't confuse income with ownership.
28:49
And don't allow a hidden rule to become
28:53
an inherited limit.
28:56
Download the missing rule book cycle workbook at
28:59
ownthepurse.com.
29:01
Use it again to identify one rule that
29:05
was missing from your financial story and one
29:08
action that becomes possible now.
29:11
Then join us in the Financial Feminism Founding
29:14
Community where we're building the conversations women should
29:18
never have had to figure out alone.
29:21
Now remember this, when the rules are hidden,
29:24
struggle is not failure.
29:26
It's evidence.
29:27
And once the rule is visible, you can
29:30
learn it.
29:31
You can use it.
29:32
You can teach it.
29:34
You can build with it because ownership creates
29:39
options.
29:41
Financial feminism, ownership, income, freedom.
29:48
Financial feminism, more options, more ownership, more freedom.