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Joy And Confidence After Trauma · Divas That Care Network

0:00
SPEAKER_00: It's Divas That Care Radio.
0:02
SPEAKER_00: Stories, strategies, and ideas to inspire positive change.
0:06
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Divas That Care, a network of women committed to making our world a better place for everyone.
0:13
SPEAKER_00: This is a global movement for women, by women, engaged in a collaborative effort to create a better world for future generations.
0:21
SPEAKER_00: To find out more about the movement, visit DivasThatCare.com after the show.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: Right now, though, stay tuned for another jolt of inspiration.
0:32
SPEAKER_02: A strong, positive sense of self-esteem is your first step to anything you wish to accomplish.
0:37
SPEAKER_02: Yet too often, when we attempt to leave our comfort zone, we have that chorus of inner critics inside our heads.
0:44
SPEAKER_02: The itty-bitty shitty committee, as I like to call mine, whispering self-sabotaging doubt and untrue trash talk in our ear.
0:53
SPEAKER_02: Confidence in bloom.
0:55
SPEAKER_02: celebrates women who rise above and move beyond any self-doubt and old outmoded limiting beliefs women who have reconnected with who they truly are that gorgeous talented fabulous gift to the world who deserves recognition and unconditional love my hope is that their insights inspire all of you to do the same you know the most beautiful thing any woman can wear is confidence Here on Confidence in Bloom with the Divas That Care Network, I, Tina Spoletini, speak with women now secure in their own self-confidence so we can learn from their stories and how they found themselves and became the magnificent role models they are to us all now.
1:38
SPEAKER_02: Today I'm talking with Anne Payton.
1:42
SPEAKER_02: Anne knows how to overcome and heal from trauma and adversity.
1:47
SPEAKER_02: As a speaker, radio host, and two-time best-selling author, Anne's contagious presence engages her audience and invites them to explore how to defeat adversity and trauma with a five-step adversity university program.
2:02
SPEAKER_02: Amazon best-selling author of two books and a keynote speaker on trauma and healing, Anne uses heartfelt coaching to support women in their healing process.
2:13
SPEAKER_02: Oh, welcome, Anne.
2:14
SPEAKER_02: How are you today?
2:16
SPEAKER_02: I'm doing great.
2:17
SPEAKER_02: How about yourself?
2:18
SPEAKER_02: I'm good.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: I'm good.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: Now, you're in a car.
2:21
SPEAKER_02: You're not driving, right?
2:22
SPEAKER_02: No, I'm not driving.
2:24
SPEAKER_02: Okay, perfect.
2:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'll be safe.
2:28
SPEAKER_02: Okay, good.
2:29
SPEAKER_02: Excellent.
2:29
SPEAKER_02: So first, let's start off with you telling us a little bit about yourself and maybe a little bit of the story that brought you to what you're doing today.
2:38
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I...
2:40
SPEAKER_01: When I was 16 or 17 years old, my family moved to a new state.
2:45
SPEAKER_01: And, you know, it was really hard to get girlfriends for some reason.
2:53
SPEAKER_01: And at about four months in, there was a girl that invited me to a party, which I assumed was a high school party.
3:02
SPEAKER_01: Well, it wasn't.
3:04
SPEAKER_01: And unfortunately, during that party, I did experience some sexual trauma.
3:09
SPEAKER_01: And, you know, if you have any kind of trauma, if you deal with it fairly quickly, you wouldn't have gone through as much depression as I did.
3:23
SPEAKER_01: I just buried it.
3:25
SPEAKER_01: So I turned to, you know, binge eating, alcohol, drugs.
3:32
SPEAKER_01: And if maybe I would have just reached out and gotten help right away, I wouldn't have gone through that part of it.
3:38
SPEAKER_01: But because I've experienced that and some other traumas, I wrote a book on how to overcome and heal from trauma.
3:47
SPEAKER_01: And I want to help women.
3:50
SPEAKER_01: A lot of women experience traumas, whether it be sexual or domestic violence, or, and it can, you know, be any other kind of type of trauma and I've developed a program and that's how I coach women on, you know, step-by-step how to overcome and heal from it.
4:18
SPEAKER_01: So that's a little bit about my story.
4:21
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
4:21
SPEAKER_02: So, well, so I mean, high school, you know, 16, 17, that's a, that's a really tender age, right?
4:31
SPEAKER_01: Yes, it is.
4:32
SPEAKER_01: And one thing that I've, after that happened, I got into Taekwondo and learned self-defense.
4:42
SPEAKER_01: And I usually talk to women about that as well.
4:46
SPEAKER_01: And I've gotten a chance to collaborate with a Taekwondo studio because I think it would be so great if we can get this information to young people girls like in their you know 11 and 12 so they can get some of this knowledge before more of a preventative uh aspect than after
5:15
SPEAKER_02: yes i i have to agree um Now, I mean, you and I have both been 16, 17 before, and we all know, right, that sometimes things happen that we don't even know is abusive, right?
5:34
SPEAKER_02: We think, right, because we're so tender, right, at that age, and we think we know the world, we think we know everything, you know, we realized maybe 10 or 15 years later that you know what that was wrong that what he did to me was not it was not right right and i didn't give my consent i think that's a lot of the me too um life why don't the words just failed me now but right like that's the whole like oh my gosh, that's what happened to me.
6:09
SPEAKER_02: So do a lot of your clients come to you with stories like that?
6:14
SPEAKER_02: And they say like, I didn't even know it was wrong or I didn't know that I could have said no.
6:21
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
6:22
SPEAKER_01: In fact, I write in the book that while this was happening to me, I felt this.
6:28
SPEAKER_01: I felt so many different emotions and I had a gut feeling of something.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: But, you know, I didn't have the experience or the knowledge to realize that gut feeling was actually trying to tell me something kind of like beware, step back.
6:48
SPEAKER_01: But I didn't know anything about that.
6:50
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what it means.
6:52
SPEAKER_01: And yes, I think if we can help the women that have unfortunately experienced anything like this, but also get to young girls so they can see that, yes, you need to do consent.
7:09
SPEAKER_01: Yes, this is not right.
7:12
SPEAKER_01: Yes, that gut feeling is really trying to protect you.
7:16
SPEAKER_01: But if you don't know what that feels like, then you're right.
7:20
SPEAKER_01: You go into these situations and you think this guy is exciting and charming And, you know, there's no eerie music telling you he's a bad guy.
7:32
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like in the movies, right?
7:35
SPEAKER_02: Like in the movies, you know, right?
7:37
SPEAKER_02: And it doesn't feel like that at the time, right?
7:40
SPEAKER_02: It doesn't, you don't hear that music.
7:42
SPEAKER_02: There's no signs.
7:44
SPEAKER_02: I guess that's what it comes down to, right?
7:46
SPEAKER_02: Is listening to your body.
7:48
SPEAKER_02: Your body will tell you, you know, get out of there somehow, some way.
7:53
SPEAKER_02: Right.
7:54
SPEAKER_02: Just like with food.
7:55
SPEAKER_02: Right.
7:56
SPEAKER_02: Like we all have to learn how to listen to our bodies and know when it's the right thing and when it's the wrong thing.
8:04
SPEAKER_02: So now that someone comes to you and says, OK, this happened to me and I'm having like I'm in depression or I get really bad nightmares or something.
8:14
SPEAKER_02: I mean, we all deal with our traumas differently.
8:17
SPEAKER_02: How do you start?
8:18
SPEAKER_02: Like, how do you like you need to go back to the story?
8:21
SPEAKER_02: Am I right?
8:22
SPEAKER_01: yes um and it's funny because a lot of times if people don't know like the way this healing happens yes you need to go back to the story but you don't stay there in the story because sometimes what happens is in your head you're just going through it over and over it's like a loop that won't stop but if we go through what i call a release And then a resist section.
8:58
SPEAKER_01: And then we do a reframing section.
9:00
SPEAKER_01: And then we go on to restore.
9:03
SPEAKER_01: And it's kind of a four-step process.
9:08
SPEAKER_01: So it's great to share your story.
9:12
SPEAKER_01: But if you can share your story with someone that's gone through the healing, then...
9:20
SPEAKER_01: you have someone that can say to you, okay, so one of the things that you can use in your toolbox is this, this, and this.
9:32
SPEAKER_01: So they don't get stuck in that story and stay as a victim.
9:36
SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, it's a process.
9:41
SPEAKER_01: And once you kind of release that, what the experience, then you can get into finding out how you resist some of the triggers so you can keep moving forward in your healing process.
10:01
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
10:02
SPEAKER_02: And I think that's, like you said, we often will get stuck in the experience, right?
10:08
SPEAKER_02: That we keep playing it over and over in our head and what I could have done or what I should have done or what, you know, what I, what, you know, like we all do that.
10:18
SPEAKER_02: Right.
10:18
SPEAKER_02: And that's, that's a normal stage.
10:20
SPEAKER_01: Right.
10:21
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
10:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
10:22
SPEAKER_01: Very normal.
10:24
SPEAKER_01: In fact, have you ever like had a, an argument with a friend or family member and you just keep going through that argument in your head?
10:34
SPEAKER_01: Well, I should have said this, or I should have done that, or I should have walked, you know, it's all this shoulda, coulda, coulda, and you know, that doesn't help you.
10:44
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
10:46
SPEAKER_02: Okay, so I know that it's not easy.
10:48
SPEAKER_02: I know my for myself.
10:50
SPEAKER_02: I mean, like you said, I have arguments or discussions with people.
10:53
SPEAKER_02: And for like weeks later, I'm like, damn, I wish I would have said this.
10:57
SPEAKER_02: And I wish I would have said that.
10:59
SPEAKER_02: And, you know, sometimes I'm quick.
11:01
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes, you know, I'll, it'll come out of my mouth before I even think about it.
11:05
SPEAKER_02: You know, and so I'll be like, Oh, damn it.
11:07
SPEAKER_02: Why didn't I do that?
11:08
SPEAKER_02: Right?
11:09
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
11:10
SPEAKER_02: What do we do?
11:11
SPEAKER_02: Like, at the end of the day, we didn't do it.
11:13
SPEAKER_02: We can't go back.
11:14
SPEAKER_02: right how do we like get that story out of our head how do we move forward
11:22
SPEAKER_01: well one of the first things um that helped me was um because i did go into a deep depression and it lasted for a while and one of the um therapists and coaches i was working with said um Okay, and let's look at this because sometimes in your head, you're thinking, I should have done this or I could have done that, but you may not have been able to do that.
11:54
SPEAKER_01: So when you share your story, we're going to go in and talk about, okay, and you think that you caused this.
12:06
SPEAKER_01: And then as your coach, No, you didn't.
12:11
SPEAKER_01: You did not bring this experience on.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: And the second part of it is you have to give yourself some grace.
12:19
SPEAKER_01: So I know that I kept beating myself up over and over and over because I didn't do boom, doom, doom, doom, doom.
12:26
SPEAKER_01: And it really hit me when they said, okay, Ann, You're 40 years old.
12:34
SPEAKER_01: This is when I was in therapy now.
12:38
SPEAKER_01: And you're beating yourself up for something that you did when you're 16.
12:42
SPEAKER_01: So let's go back.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: Let's have the 40-year-old person, you, Ann, go back and let's talk to that 16-year-old girl.
12:52
SPEAKER_01: And did you as a 16-year-old girl know what was going on?
13:02
SPEAKER_01: No.
13:04
SPEAKER_01: Did as a 16 year old girl, did you have any experience with anything like this in any other time or place in your life?
13:17
SPEAKER_01: No.
13:17
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
13:19
SPEAKER_01: So then we start looking at that and saying, and you are not responsible for what happened to you.
13:26
SPEAKER_01: You did not do anything wrong.
13:29
SPEAKER_01: And you didn't bring this onto you.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: So we go through some exercises to get that, to sink in, not only in your mental capacity, but in your heart.
13:45
SPEAKER_01: Because I think there's a lot of women that need to go through the forgiveness of themselves.
13:53
SPEAKER_01: Because even though they want justice, they for some reason have to forgive themselves for maybe not reacting as your older self thinks you should have.
14:09
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
14:11
SPEAKER_02: 100%.
14:11
SPEAKER_02: Forgiveness is really, that's the start, right?
14:15
SPEAKER_02: You need to forgive yourself because you didn't ask for it.
14:19
SPEAKER_02: You didn't ask for that, right?
14:21
SPEAKER_02: And the fact that you didn't know how to react at the time I mean, that's ignorance.
14:28
SPEAKER_02: How are you supposed to know, right?
14:31
SPEAKER_02: Sure, when you look back, oh, I should have done this.
14:34
SPEAKER_02: But at the moment, you didn't think of that.
14:37
SPEAKER_02: Because if you did, you would have done it.
14:39
SPEAKER_02: I would have done it.
14:41
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
14:41
SPEAKER_02: So forgive yourself for that, right?
14:44
SPEAKER_02: Because it's easy to look back.
14:46
SPEAKER_02: I mean, what do they say?
14:47
SPEAKER_02: Hindsight is 20-20.
14:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, looking back, I know exactly what I did wrong or what I didn't do wrong, right?
14:54
SPEAKER_02: Excuse me.
14:56
SPEAKER_02: Oh, go ahead.
14:58
SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry.
14:59
SPEAKER_02: Just curious.
15:00
SPEAKER_02: I mean, we could sit here and talk about how to heal.
15:05
SPEAKER_02: But at the end of the day, it's really about how, you know, in my situation, how I'm going to deal with it.
15:11
SPEAKER_02: And every situation is different.
15:13
SPEAKER_02: Let's talk triggers more.
15:15
SPEAKER_02: Because I think, I mean, I know for myself, I've never had sexual trauma.
15:20
SPEAKER_02: Thank God for that.
15:22
SPEAKER_02: But I know there are too many women out there that have.
15:26
SPEAKER_02: and I know that the triggers are different for each woman.
15:30
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
15:32
SPEAKER_02: And, and how do you like as a coach walk them through that when they come to you and they say, and, you know, I was in the, in the grocery store and, you know, this guy looked like the guy that hurt me, you know, or he looked at me in a way that reminded me so much of that guy.
15:51
SPEAKER_02: How do you, how do we deal with that?
15:54
SPEAKER_01: That is a process and we do that in the resisting phase.
16:02
SPEAKER_01: Because just, you know, like you said, the triggers are different for anyone.
16:07
SPEAKER_01: It could be seeing someone.
16:09
SPEAKER_01: It could be a smell.
16:11
SPEAKER_01: It could be reading a book or watching a movie with an experience in that book or movie that seems similar to your own.
16:22
SPEAKER_01: So what we what we talk about is first of all we have an exercise it's called a color analysis and what it does is it there's four typical ways that each of us response to certain things.
16:45
SPEAKER_01: So we find out whether, we find out which person, which color analysis fits you because that kind of gives us an idea of how you probably react to triggers.
16:59
SPEAKER_01: So that's the first thing that we go through.
17:01
SPEAKER_01: The second thing is we start looking at when something that triggers you, first of all, what's your thought patterns?
17:11
SPEAKER_01: What comes up in your head?
17:13
SPEAKER_01: Are there any specific behaviors that you do?
17:17
SPEAKER_01: And we start to analyze some of those things.
17:24
SPEAKER_01: And then we have tools like, okay, so if you see someone like that person and and all of a sudden you're thinking something then we go through a exercise of what is the truth what is the truth because what you what the thoughts that are going into your head are most likely 99 are not truth um so we we work through those um And that could be something like, as an example, you see someone, you've already gone through some of this work to overcome and you, all of a sudden you start with those thoughts.
18:12
SPEAKER_01: Well, I must have done something wrong.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: Well, that's not the truth.
18:16
SPEAKER_01: I brought this on myself.
18:18
SPEAKER_01: No, that's not the truth.
18:20
SPEAKER_01: What is the truth?
18:22
SPEAKER_01: So we learn how to do that with our thoughts.
18:24
SPEAKER_01: And then with behaviors, you know, for me, when I would get triggered, I would do several things.
18:33
SPEAKER_01: I would binge eat.
18:36
SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, I have a package of Oreos in front of me.
18:43
SPEAKER_01: And after I've eaten 10 or 15 cookies, I'm like, and what are you doing?
18:47
SPEAKER_01: You know what this behavior we've already, we've already worked on this behavior.
18:54
SPEAKER_01: Why are you going back?
18:56
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
18:57
SPEAKER_01: you read something it's triggering you so let's you know and then you go back to the truth and then we go back to what your uh statements are on how you're going to talk to yourself and if you meditate or pray we go into that so this the coaching program gives them tools to do all of those things and we first start with the color analysis so then i know how to help that individual that may be more of a get done person that isn't real emotional versus a really relationship type person that takes everything with emotion.
19:45
SPEAKER_02: Oh my goodness.
19:49
SPEAKER_02: I don't know too much about the color analysis and the personalities, but I've learned a little bit.
19:55
SPEAKER_02: And it's funny, excuse me, I don't know what's going on with my voice, but yeah, like we all handle things differently and we all fit into those categories, don't we?
20:07
SPEAKER_02: Even though we like to believe that, you know, I am unique, right?
20:11
SPEAKER_02: I am because I am, right?
20:13
SPEAKER_02: Yes, absolutely.
20:14
SPEAKER_02: At the same time, I still fit into those personality analysis groups, right?
20:20
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
20:21
SPEAKER_01: And in general, I mean, I'm sure there are When I took this test, there's four colors.
20:31
SPEAKER_01: I was mainly one color, but there was a second color.
20:35
SPEAKER_01: I had almost the same amount of responses in that area.
20:42
SPEAKER_01: So you're usually not just one color, but you may have one color that dominates.
20:49
SPEAKER_01: And so that's why that analysis is really a useful tool.
20:53
SPEAKER_01: And we look at those, we look at the colors and we look at how many answers went towards that.
21:01
SPEAKER_01: So if you're like 50-50, then we want to work on both of those categories with you because that's what's going to make you overcome and heal quicker.
21:14
SPEAKER_02: Right.
21:15
SPEAKER_02: So, Now, you may know this.
21:20
SPEAKER_02: When I'm dealing with trauma and these triggers, you know, everything could trigger me in a different way.
21:27
SPEAKER_02: We never really get over the triggers.
21:31
SPEAKER_01: Right.
21:32
SPEAKER_01: Well, actually, I think with time, they fade so much that they become a second thought.
21:41
SPEAKER_01: Okay, you've already used your tools so many times repetitively.
21:46
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's not going to bother me because I know the truth.
21:50
SPEAKER_01: And that's the first thing.
21:51
SPEAKER_01: I've already forgiven myself for what I thought was mine.
21:55
SPEAKER_01: And I actually may have gotten to the point where I have forgiven that person.
22:01
SPEAKER_01: So it becomes so more natural.
22:05
SPEAKER_01: You're right.
22:07
SPEAKER_01: The triggers never 100% go away, but they become like...
22:15
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so I'll give a quick example.
22:19
SPEAKER_01: Every time I saw my mom, I got really, really defensive just because of the way our relationship was.
22:26
SPEAKER_01: So once I started to figure out how I can be...
22:32
SPEAKER_01: a more peaceful person around her.
22:35
SPEAKER_01: At first, it was a little difficult and I had to practice it.
22:39
SPEAKER_01: But now that I've been doing that for years and years and years, when she says something or does something, it kind of rolls off my back now.
22:49
SPEAKER_01: So it's the same thing with triggers.
22:53
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
22:54
SPEAKER_02: Yes, I think I understand that because I think we learn how to be, because we only have control over our own behavior.
23:01
SPEAKER_02: right?
23:01
SPEAKER_02: We don't have control over anyone else's behavior.
23:04
SPEAKER_02: And when we learn how to, you know, control ourselves in an environment that we know we're going to be uncomfortable in, regardless of what that situation is, then yeah, like we know that we have to sort of, I don't want to put on a face, but really that's what we're kind of doing, right?
23:22
SPEAKER_02: We're dealing with a situation that makes us uncomfortable.
23:25
SPEAKER_02: So we have to not necessarily be another person, but we have to act in a certain way.
23:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think part of it is if you have the chance and you're knowing you're going into one of those situations and you have a few minutes to prepare, you prepare.
23:42
SPEAKER_01: Like, for instance, if you know that you're on the way to your mother's house and you're already getting defensive, that's when you pull over and just say to yourself, okay, there's a lot of things that my mother's do that really, my mother does that really gets under my skin, but you know what?
24:03
SPEAKER_01: I have forgiven her.
24:06
SPEAKER_01: I, you know, you either meditate or prayer for pray for a minute and you just, you know, try to get in a peaceful situation.
24:16
SPEAKER_01: And then I've learned one of my tools is when my mother attacks me with her, nasty thoughts or phrases i tell myself this is my mother and i love my mother i don't like what she's i do not like what she's saying but maybe she doesn't know a hundred percent that that really hurts me but i'm gonna go i'm going you know i'm i'm saying this to myself while she's saying these nasty things I love I don't laugh I know I know it sounds it sounds funny but it is the last time that she did this we were sitting on a couch and she started in on me and I'm like in my head I love you I love you you're my mother you've given me good things you get now this I don't particularly like but I love my mother yeah and that just helps me diffuse the defensiveness And if you can be, you can be yourself, but if you're more in a peaceful state, you'll handle it much better where you don't get yourself upset or lash out and then it becomes a big, you know...
25:42
SPEAKER_02: Argument.
25:42
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
25:43
SPEAKER_02: For, for really, for what?
25:44
SPEAKER_02: Right.
25:45
SPEAKER_02: You're going to, you're going to be offended.
25:48
SPEAKER_02: Right.
25:48
SPEAKER_02: There's going to be tension.
25:49
SPEAKER_02: And who, who does that please?
25:51
SPEAKER_02: Right.
25:52
SPEAKER_02: Nobody's going to be happy.
25:53
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
25:53
SPEAKER_01: No one, no one gets anything good out of that.
25:56
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
25:56
SPEAKER_02: And lots of times we all know as coaches that when someone is lashing out at you, it's usually because there's something in your behavior or your actions that is is their own right it's their mirror of themselves and they don't like that right exactly exactly so you just tell yourself that right yeah so i love you and i know that what you're seeing is in yourself and not in me
26:24
SPEAKER_01: right
26:24
SPEAKER_02: right
26:25
SPEAKER_01: and i have had i and i have had at a certain incident where i just would interrupt her and say i love you mom and it shuts it
26:36
SPEAKER_02: down
26:36
SPEAKER_01: That shuts it down
26:38
SPEAKER_02: like that.
26:39
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
26:40
SPEAKER_02: Right.
26:40
SPEAKER_02: Because yeah, I get that.
26:42
SPEAKER_02: And it actually made me think about, you know, when I talk with my daughter, right.
26:47
SPEAKER_02: You know, like I think, what am I doing?
26:50
SPEAKER_02: That's triggering her because I can tell, you know, that I've said something that has, you know, triggered her in some way.
26:57
SPEAKER_02: And then I just shut up because I'm, you know, as a coach, I'm aware of it.
27:02
SPEAKER_02: Right.
27:02
SPEAKER_02: Because I can tell in her behavior, but I don't want to bring it up.
27:06
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to say to her, what did I say that bothered you?
27:09
SPEAKER_02: Because then, you know, I might be like, well, I didn't mean it that way.
27:12
SPEAKER_02: And then you end up with the big, you know, sucky face and all that stuff.
27:16
SPEAKER_02: And we don't need that.
27:17
SPEAKER_02: Right.
27:17
SPEAKER_02: Right.
27:19
SPEAKER_02: Right.
27:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:22
SPEAKER_02: Now I wanted to ask you something else and I forget what now what it was.
27:27
SPEAKER_01: Well, just know that whatever, however you, whatever tools that work for you, it just takes practice and to give yourself some grace and some time because it does get better.
27:42
SPEAKER_01: And now I can actually feel joy when I go see my mother.
27:47
SPEAKER_01: I don't get all tied up in knots in my stomach.
27:52
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
27:52
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's good.
27:53
SPEAKER_02: And I'm sure most of us have at least one person that we're like that with.
27:59
SPEAKER_02: Right.
27:59
SPEAKER_02: And, you know, maybe we do it to ourselves.
28:02
SPEAKER_02: Maybe, you know, the tension is there and it's unnecessary.
28:05
SPEAKER_02: We don't know, but we still do it.
28:06
SPEAKER_02: Right.
28:07
SPEAKER_02: We still have that.
28:08
SPEAKER_02: And like you said, you know, give yourself some compassion and some grace and, you know, some time to meditate or to pray, you know, asking for strength or giving yourself the strength to get through.
28:21
SPEAKER_02: you know, the conversation or the visit or whatever it's going to be.
28:24
SPEAKER_01: That's powerful.
28:26
SPEAKER_01: That is very powerful, whether it's prayer or meditation, because you are getting yourself into the right peaceful setting that you can be in.
28:39
SPEAKER_01: That's
28:40
SPEAKER_02: right.
28:40
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, exactly.
28:42
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
28:42
SPEAKER_02: Now you said about the three, you had three steps.
28:46
SPEAKER_02: You said release, resist.
28:47
SPEAKER_02: And then the last two, you haven't really talked too much about, or at least you didn't specify reframe and restore.
28:54
SPEAKER_02: Can you give us a little bit of information?
28:56
SPEAKER_02: I don't want you to give your whole program out to us, but if you could just maybe describe what that might look like.
29:02
SPEAKER_01: Right.
29:03
SPEAKER_01: The reframing is, you know, kind of like resist part two.
29:09
SPEAKER_01: So a lot of times with the reframing, we do role playing and we try different things because what by us doing that, you're starting to reframe in your mind okay this is this is resisting how i'm going to resist it what are my tools and then we kind of practice that in the reframing situation and we even sometimes come up with some better things to do for that individual because you know we're all different and so reframing is kind of an extension of the resisting the restoring we go into you know, if the person hasn't grieved the loss, like I'm speaking in November about how to forgive even in the loss of innocence.
30:12
SPEAKER_01: So how do you forgive?
30:15
SPEAKER_01: Well, if you haven't grieved And I guess I'll just use myself as an example.
30:22
SPEAKER_01: I'm not going too long.
30:24
SPEAKER_01: Am I?
30:25
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
30:26
SPEAKER_01: We're good.
30:27
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
30:29
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, when I had that trauma, I not only lost my virginity, I lost my dreams of what I thought was next for me.
30:43
SPEAKER_01: I lost the innocence and And what did I gain?
30:50
SPEAKER_01: I gained trauma and then I didn't deal with that trauma right.
30:57
SPEAKER_01: And so if you haven't grieved those losses, depending on what your loss is, and we go into that with each individual.
31:09
SPEAKER_01: So that experience, what did you lose?
31:13
SPEAKER_01: Did you lose your self-respect?
31:16
SPEAKER_01: Did you lose...
31:19
SPEAKER_01: you know, how you thought about yourself.
31:22
SPEAKER_01: Did you lose dreams?
31:23
SPEAKER_01: Did you lose, you know, maybe you were hurt physically more than losing of your self-respect and what have you.
31:35
SPEAKER_01: And so we, the restorer is to make sure that if they haven't grieved, then we go through a grieving process because that's very important.
31:46
SPEAKER_01: And that helps us actually go back to the first of releasing if they haven't grieved it after they go through that grieving stage it is completely released and then we go into the forgiveness part of the restore and again for myself as an example um you know even though i may not have done anything wrong At that time, I thought I had.
32:18
SPEAKER_01: And I asked forgiveness from God and just over and over and over.
32:26
SPEAKER_01: So it took me a while to feel that I have been forgiven.
32:32
SPEAKER_01: And then I went through a process of forgiving of that person.
32:39
SPEAKER_01: And there's steps involved in that.
32:42
SPEAKER_01: because that's a difficult one as well.
32:46
SPEAKER_01: And we go through those each individual steps.
32:50
SPEAKER_01: And then if you haven't forgiven yourself, we go through the program and tools to forgive yourself.
32:59
SPEAKER_01: And when I had gone through that restore part of the program, I literally felt like something was lifted off of me.
33:17
SPEAKER_01: And that's when I got my joy back.
33:21
SPEAKER_01: That's when I felt like that 16-year-old girl.
33:25
SPEAKER_01: I felt like I'm okay.
33:29
SPEAKER_01: I have joy.
33:30
SPEAKER_01: I can dream.
33:31
SPEAKER_01: I know that I'm a wonderfully uniquely made person and I have good to share.
33:42
SPEAKER_01: And so that part of it is, is so powerful because I try to tell women there is joy after trauma, no matter what trauma you've gone through, there is joy.
34:01
SPEAKER_01: And I feel, um, like I really need to share that with women because we get stuck, no matter what it was that we went through, we get stuck of thinking we're damaged goods.
34:18
SPEAKER_01: We are not damaged goods.
34:20
SPEAKER_01: We are fearfully and wonderfully made.
34:23
SPEAKER_01: We are unique and we are loved.
34:26
SPEAKER_01: And that's part of the restoring section as well.
34:32
SPEAKER_01: And that's my goal to get, um, each woman I work with to that point, because then I know I can, I can usually see it in their, in their face.
34:45
SPEAKER_01: You know, sometimes we are one-on-one in person and sometimes it's through zoom, but I can see it coming out.
34:53
SPEAKER_01: And then, you know, I just, it just brings joy to me that, that they're at
35:01
SPEAKER_02: that stage.
35:03
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
35:04
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
35:04
SPEAKER_02: And that's, I mean, that is like incredible, right?
35:10
SPEAKER_02: To see that the joy has come back to someone.
35:13
SPEAKER_02: And I think the most important piece that you said was it wasn't your fault.
35:19
SPEAKER_02: Like it's, this is not because you are not worthy and that you don't, you don't deserve to be mistreated, but you just happen to be like the victim or the pawn in the other person's game.
35:35
SPEAKER_02: Right.
35:35
SPEAKER_02: It could have been like, you know, he could have prayed on you, but it could have been, you know, wrong place, wrong time.
35:42
SPEAKER_02: Right.
35:42
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I know that there's men that pray.
35:45
SPEAKER_02: I get that.
35:46
SPEAKER_02: And, and I mean, let's face it.
35:47
SPEAKER_02: It's not just men anymore.
35:49
SPEAKER_02: We're hearing more and more that women are just as involved.
35:52
SPEAKER_02: Right.
35:53
SPEAKER_02: But know that when you are the other end of it, it's not your fault.
35:58
SPEAKER_02: Right.
35:58
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
35:59
SPEAKER_02: And I will say, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this.
36:03
SPEAKER_02: And I know you're over it, like you're past it.
36:06
SPEAKER_02: And, you know, that may not mean anything, you know, for most women that have gone through that.
36:11
SPEAKER_02: But I really hate that, you know, victims have to feel, you know, that they don't belong here because of something that's happened to them.
36:21
SPEAKER_02: I think that's terrible.
36:23
SPEAKER_02: Right.
36:23
SPEAKER_02: My heart goes out to all of you.
36:25
SPEAKER_01: Well, I think when I got through the restoring phase, I literally started to feel like, yeah, I might have been the wrong person in the wrong place, or I think I just messed that phrase up, but you know what I'm saying.
36:46
SPEAKER_01: Wrong time.
36:47
SPEAKER_01: But I, I, I like, okay, that's what, that's what it is.
36:56
SPEAKER_01: I did experience it.
36:57
SPEAKER_01: I'm healed from it.
36:59
SPEAKER_01: I, that's now something that I can give to others.
37:04
SPEAKER_01: So I don't, I wouldn't say it was meant to happen, but it did happen.
37:09
SPEAKER_01: And after you get through that restoring, you're like, this, it's okay.
37:16
SPEAKER_01: Every person goes through some kind of trauma.
37:18
SPEAKER_01: That was one of mine.
37:19
SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't, We don't get through this life here on earth without trauma, struggles and trauma.
37:28
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
37:29
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
37:29
SPEAKER_02: That is so true.
37:30
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
37:31
SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, I just, I felt like, okay, well, I'm going to use that experience for good.
37:40
SPEAKER_01: You know?
37:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
37:44
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
37:45
SPEAKER_02: right I mean we're hearing every day how many women are coming out of the woodwork now because they're finally getting the strength to tell someone right right and and it's because of coaches like you that they have someone to go to that can help them through it and I mean You were 16.
38:07
SPEAKER_02: So you lived a long part.
38:09
SPEAKER_02: But I've heard women like at eight, nine years old going through this.
38:13
SPEAKER_02: They don't even know what that situation is.
38:16
SPEAKER_02: Like when it comes to sex, they really don't understand it at all.
38:21
SPEAKER_02: Right.
38:21
SPEAKER_02: And this is happening to them.
38:23
SPEAKER_02: That ruins so much of that good part of the intimacy with a partner.
38:28
SPEAKER_02: Right.
38:29
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
38:30
SPEAKER_01: And it's, you know, if it's happening to them at a young, young age, they don't know any different from it.
38:40
SPEAKER_01: It may feel wrong to them, but they don't know why.
38:43
SPEAKER_01: Right.
38:44
SPEAKER_01: Right.
38:58
SPEAKER_01: be a little bit more knowledgeable and have some tools in their back
39:05
SPEAKER_02: pocket.
39:06
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
39:07
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I know as a mother, I told all three of my kids, I have two boys and a girl, but I told all three of them the same thing.
39:13
SPEAKER_02: Nobody's allowed to touch you anywhere that you don't want them to touch you, right?
39:18
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
39:18
SPEAKER_02: you know, especially in, you know, certain parts, right?
39:22
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
39:23
SPEAKER_02: I took every opportunity to explain that to them to the point where they were like, okay, mom, I know.
39:29
SPEAKER_02: And they just give you that eye roll thing like, oh, geez, mom, do I have to listen to this again?
39:37
SPEAKER_02: We have to talk about this again.
39:38
SPEAKER_02: But, and it's not a laughing matter.
39:41
SPEAKER_02: I mean, yes, I laugh at them because, you know, I got through to them.
39:44
SPEAKER_02: But the reality is some parents don't do that.
39:48
SPEAKER_01: Right.
39:48
SPEAKER_02: Right.
39:49
SPEAKER_02: Or they don't have an opportunity to do that.
39:51
SPEAKER_02: And so, you know, it's important that we let the young people know that if it feels wrong, it's wrong.
39:57
SPEAKER_02: It's wrong.
39:58
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, exactly.
40:00
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
40:00
SPEAKER_02: Well, this has been great.
40:02
SPEAKER_02: And I'm, you know, it's a sensitive subject.
40:06
SPEAKER_02: I mean, you're dealing with this every day.
40:09
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, you're able, you're comfortable to talk about it more freely.
40:14
SPEAKER_02: Right.
40:14
SPEAKER_02: But there's a lot of women out there that are not comfortable.
40:17
SPEAKER_02: Right.
40:17
SPEAKER_02: So it's important that they know there's women like you that they can go to and, you know, open up a discussion of some kind.
40:26
SPEAKER_02: So maybe let us know where we can reach you.
40:29
SPEAKER_01: Yes, anyone can sign up for a complimentary call.
40:37
SPEAKER_01: If you go to my website, which is annpayton.com, A-N-N-P-A-Y-T-O-N.com.
40:47
SPEAKER_01: There in the main front page, it says schedule a call.
40:53
SPEAKER_01: And that's a free call.
40:56
SPEAKER_01: You know, maybe they hear your podcast, Tina, and something clicked and they're like, well, I want to know something more about this.
41:05
SPEAKER_01: Or I need to tell my story.
41:07
SPEAKER_01: Or...
41:08
SPEAKER_01: What's this color?
41:09
SPEAKER_01: And now, you know, whatever it is, I will sit down with them and we will talk and I will do my very best in that hour to give them a tool or two that they can walk away with and start right away.
41:24
SPEAKER_01: And then if they want to continue further, then, you know, we work out something that way through a coaching program.
41:33
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
41:34
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
41:34
SPEAKER_02: You make yourself available for them and that's what's important because they need that.
41:39
SPEAKER_02: Yes, they absolutely
41:41
SPEAKER_01: need that.
41:42
SPEAKER_01: And they need to know that the person that they're opening up to, they may not have had the same experience, but they've had A similar experience.
41:53
SPEAKER_01: And they've gone through all the work.
41:55
SPEAKER_01: They've gone through the overcoming.
41:56
SPEAKER_01: They've gone through the healing.
41:58
SPEAKER_01: And then that person is a trustworthy, safe person to open up to.
42:04
SPEAKER_02: Right.
42:04
SPEAKER_01: And, you know, as coaches, we have to we have to have confidentiality.
42:10
SPEAKER_01: None of that information goes out, whether they talk to me for five minutes or for an hour.
42:16
SPEAKER_01: It's all confidential.
42:18
SPEAKER_02: Right.
42:18
SPEAKER_02: And that's I mean, that's important.
42:20
SPEAKER_02: And they need to know that.
42:21
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
42:23
SPEAKER_02: Well, thank you so much for joining me.
42:25
SPEAKER_02: And this has been great.
42:27
SPEAKER_01: Oh, wonderful.
42:28
SPEAKER_01: I've enjoyed it so much talking with you, Tina.
42:31
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's great.
42:31
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's great.
42:33
SPEAKER_02: Is there anything you can tell our listeners that, you know, if they are suffering inside and they're not ready to deal with, you know, with coming out and telling someone, is there anything you could say, say to them to give them some kind of comfort?
42:48
SPEAKER_01: Um, the foot, I think for me, when I was young and this had happened to me, you feel as if you're the only person that has experienced this.
43:02
SPEAKER_01: And you feel shame.
43:04
SPEAKER_01: You feel aloneness.
43:07
SPEAKER_01: You are frightened of maybe sharing this.
43:10
SPEAKER_01: And I want to let your listeners know that you are not alone.
43:17
SPEAKER_01: There are a lot of us out there.
43:20
SPEAKER_01: We have experienced it.
43:21
SPEAKER_01: There is hope.
43:24
SPEAKER_01: And if you can't contact me or some other coach that has a similar program, then reach out to someone you trust, whether that's someone from the YMCA or your church or your school, a counselor, or maybe it's your great aunt.
43:47
SPEAKER_01: Just reach Know that you're not alone and that there are people out there to help and there is hope and there is joy after trauma.
43:59
SPEAKER_01: You will get back to your joyful self.
44:05
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I love that.
44:06
SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Ann.
44:07
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you're welcome.
44:08
SPEAKER_01: My pleasure.
44:10
SPEAKER_02: Confidence in Bloom is a celebration of self-love, a confirmation that even though you may not look like a screen star or a supermodel, They don't even look like that.
44:20
SPEAKER_02: You are an amazing, desirable, brilliant, gorgeous, talented woman.
44:24
SPEAKER_02: We offer unconditional love to our partners, our children, our extended family, even our pets.
44:30
SPEAKER_02: It's high time we got out of our own way and learned to unconditionally love ourselves.
44:35
SPEAKER_02: In full bloom, styling and coaching offers an online course combined with one-on-one coaching in confidence building, personal branding, and creating your signature fashion look.
44:46
SPEAKER_02: Chic definitely does come in every shape.
44:49
SPEAKER_02: So if you want something to believe in, start with yourself.
44:52
SPEAKER_02: If you'd like to be a guest here on Confidence in Bloom, contact me through Instagram at infobloomstyling or by email at tina.infobloomstyling.com or through the Divas That Care website.
45:09
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
45:10
SPEAKER_00: This show was brought to you by Divas That Care.
45:13
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