Latest / Marriage Life and More and Bible Study / 4 Steps to Creating Safety in Your Marriage Pt 2 (Marriage Reset Series) - 295

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4 Steps to Creating Safety in Your Marriage Pt 2 (Marriage Reset Series) - 295 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

0:06
Michelle Moore: Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?
0:09
Michelle Moore: Well, today we're talking about one thing your marriage cannot survive without.
0:14
Michelle Moore: And no, it's not better communication skills, date nights, or even finally agreeing on that thermostat.
0:23
Michelle Moore: It's your heart.
0:25
Michelle Moore: If your heart stays closed or hardened, your marriage may survive, but it will truly never connect.
0:33
Michelle Moore: It's a bit like that unforgettable moment in The Wizard of Oz, when the Tin Man realizes his biggest problem isn't his squeaky joints, it's that he has no heart.
0:45
Michelle Moore: And let's be honest, a heartless tin man is sad, but a heart-closed marriage, it's even worse.
0:54
Daniel Moore: But there is some good news.
0:56
Daniel Moore: Unlike the Tin Man, we don't need a wizard behind a curtain.
1:00
Daniel Moore: We have a God who heals broken hearts, restores what's been shut down, and creates marriages that feel safe, connected, and alive again.
1:09
Daniel Moore: So if you've ever felt guarded, distant, or emotionally tired in your marriage, well stick with us.
1:15
Daniel Moore: Today we're talking about how open hearts and emotional safety can move your relationship from simply coexisting to truly thriving.
1:23
Daniel Moore: Welcome to Marriage Life and More.
1:31
Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies, and we interview people with inspiring stories.
1:36
Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and over study next to me is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.
1:42
Michelle Moore: Hey, hey.
1:43
Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us this week.
1:45
Daniel Moore: If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at marriagelifeandmore.com.
1:49
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1:51
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1:54
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1:57
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2:02
Daniel Moore: If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe and feel free to leave a comment on our platforms, give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, and we'd be thankful to you for doing that.
2:13
Daniel Moore: Well, this week we're going to continue our episode that we started last week.
2:18
Daniel Moore: And we're going to be talking about creating a safe spot in your marriage.
2:22
Daniel Moore: A lot of times in marriages we fail to protect that, and then we start having problems.
2:28
Daniel Moore: So this week we're going to go ahead and get back into it with part two of episode 11, four steps to creating safety in your marriage.
2:37
Daniel Moore: So last week, as we finished up the episode starting talking about safe spaces, one of the last things that we talked about was what are some of those signs that you know that your heart has been shut down?
2:58
Daniel Moore: And Michelle and I, we talked a little bit through uh having little or no eye contact or having negative body language, you know, bitterness, resentment, harshness, or acting cruel, refusing touch.
3:11
Daniel Moore: There was a lot of different things that you can look for in your relationship to really see the condition of your heart and see where it is in your relationship.
3:21
Daniel Moore: And if you haven't listened to last week's episode, we definitely highly recommend that you go check that out.
3:27
Daniel Moore: But when you have all of this damage going on that's taking place between you and your spouse, it creates a lot of issues with your heart.
3:36
Daniel Moore: And it can become very easy to shut your heart completely down.
3:40
Daniel Moore: And as Michelle and I talked about last week, you know, we can vouch even with our own testimony how you can get into a very dangerous place when that heart is closed off and you're no longer in a place to want to be to listen to your spouse and try to rectify issues or solve problems that you have.
4:00
Daniel Moore: And it starts that dangerous slope of sliding away from your spouse in marriage to a point where you could possibly end up in a divorce situation if you're not careful.
4:10
Daniel Moore: And so this week we're going to start off by talking about how do we heal your heart?
4:15
Daniel Moore: If we have all this damage taking place and we're being mean to each other and you know, biting each other's heads off, and throwing each other under the bus with things and just being really cruel.
4:26
Daniel Moore: And we have all these really bad situations going on that look like there's no solution, looks like there's no way to solve this.
4:34
Daniel Moore: And we know that our answer is that we've got to get our hearts back where it needs to be so that we can love each other properly again.
4:41
Daniel Moore: Well, how do you do that?
4:42
Daniel Moore: Well, you'll never experience the transformation from simply coexisting to truly connecting in your marriage if your heart remains closed or hardened.
4:52
Daniel Moore: And it's like that moment in the Wizard of Oz when the ten man reflects on what he's truly lost.
4:58
Daniel Moore: It was not his strength or body, but it was his heart.
5:01
Daniel Moore: He realized that without a heart, he couldn't give or receive love.
5:06
Daniel Moore: And that was the deepest loss of all.
5:08
Daniel Moore: When the ten man sought help from the great wizard, our healing comes from a greater source, the God who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
5:18
Daniel Moore: And there's a good scripture for that in Psalms chapter 147 and verse 3.
5:23
Daniel Moore: So we need to start by taking an honest look at the condition of our heart and our marriage.
5:28
Daniel Moore: Is it open and receptive, or is it cloved closed off, you know, even just a little bit?
5:34
Daniel Moore: Or you starting that progression to where it feels like that you're closing off.
5:38
Daniel Moore: If you recognize any level of emotional shutdown, resist the urge to criticize yourself.
5:45
Daniel Moore: Judging yourself will only increase your sense of isolation and strengthen your emotional defenses.
5:51
Daniel Moore: Instead, approach your heart with curiosity.
5:54
Daniel Moore: Ask yourself questions like why is my heart closed?
5:58
Daniel Moore: Sometimes the cause lies in past wounds that you carried into your marriage, childhood trauma, broken trust, or pain from previous relationships.
6:09
Daniel Moore: Other times, your heart may be shielding itself because your marriage has felt unsafe.
6:15
Daniel Moore: Is there times in our marriage situation that we were in?
6:19
Daniel Moore: Did you ever really ask yourself stuff like that when your heart was closed off?
6:25
Daniel Moore: Did you in any ways take any of that blame while that was going on, or did you really push that all off on me?
6:31
Michelle Moore: I think I pushed a lot of it off on you.
6:33
Michelle Moore: I mean, it just it was easier for me to deal with it that way because I truly felt like you did me wrong.
6:40
Michelle Moore: But in all reality, after years that we went through that, I recognize some of that was me.
6:46
Michelle Moore: I take blame in that.
6:48
Michelle Moore: And you know, and I feel like though a lot of times because I at first I my heart wasn't closed off completely.
6:56
Michelle Moore: And so it was those little digs at it.
6:59
Michelle Moore: Um, which I do think that, you know, yes, you did do some of that, but you know what?
7:04
Michelle Moore: I looked at things differently.
7:07
Michelle Moore: If I would have been solid in my walk with Christ, I would have noticed, hey, this is the enemy.
7:13
Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know, this is Dan, you know, acting this way.
7:16
Michelle Moore: Yes, he did make some personal choices and it's gonna affect us, but what did I do, you know, to create this?
7:25
Michelle Moore: Yeah, but I never did.
7:27
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and see from my side, I kind of in essence, at the beginning of our marriage, my heart was kind of closed off because there's a there were several little corridors I didn't want you in because I you know I had secrets.
7:39
Daniel Moore: You know, there was things that I was not fully relaying to you.
7:43
Daniel Moore: And so I was on that slope kind of heading towards that direction.
7:48
Daniel Moore: But before all before my heart could completely close off, the damage happened between you and I because I pushed you to your limit to an extent with everything that was going on, and then that multiplied with what you were going through.
8:03
Daniel Moore: Um, then all that the really bad thing started happening, and then I flipped a switch because I all of a sudden realized what had happened.
8:11
Daniel Moore: Things were in a bad spot.
8:13
Daniel Moore: I didn't know if I really liked that.
8:14
Daniel Moore: I wanted what was supposed to be there to begin with at that point.
8:18
Daniel Moore: I realized what was messed up, I realized what I had done to damage where we were, and then that's when I started kicking into recovery mode.
8:26
Daniel Moore: You know, I was trying to start fixing things and trying to make things better because I saw everything that I was losing.
8:31
Daniel Moore: It was all just falling apart right before my eyes.
8:35
Daniel Moore: And so I did see it at a at a point there finally where I realized that I had closed my heart off to you to an extent, but it wasn't to that dangerous point where it couldn't come back because I definitely felt conviction when everything started happening and trying to fix stuff.
8:51
Daniel Moore: And so I think looking at that, there's two sides to that heart closing off.
8:58
Daniel Moore: So you're either gonna be in the side where you're the person that's done, you're just out, I'm out of here.
9:06
Daniel Moore: I don't want no more to do with this.
9:07
Daniel Moore: Um my heart's closed, I'm not letting you back in.
9:10
Daniel Moore: And then there's the other side of it that doesn't really want it to be completely gone, and then all of a sudden they realize when it's falling apart, uh-oh, we've gone too far, we've got to do something to fix this, and then they start damage control.
9:23
Daniel Moore: And that's the part right there where you have to be real careful with how you handle that because you can do things to either push that spouse further away that's already closed their heart off, or you can handle it in a correct way and start that reopening process and then draw them back in.
9:40
Daniel Moore: Unfortunately, in our situation, that's what happened with us because you did God started working on you and you started allowing God to to work inside of you and it came back.
9:51
Michelle Moore: Yeah, and it's because deep down inside, you know, at some point I I loved you, you know.
9:57
Michelle Moore: Um, I hated you, but I loved you, you know.
10:00
Michelle Moore: Um, and and I have to, you know, I had to take responsibility, you know.
10:04
Michelle Moore: Some of this is my fault, some of this is my bringing on.
10:07
Michelle Moore: So, you know, I can't let it go down unless, you know, I recognize and I did recognize, but at the same time, what did I do afterwards?
10:17
Daniel Moore: And it's gonna be very common, I think, like in our situation, because I do feel like I kind of started that roller coaster with the way that I came into our marriage, uh, because the way I did things was not right.
10:30
Daniel Moore: You didn't expect me to do it that way.
10:32
Michelle Moore: No, I put you on a pedestal, which I shouldn't have done.
10:35
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and so with me coming in the way that I did um with all of that, I then when everything went south, I started taking a lot of blame and I started this is all my fault.
10:48
Daniel Moore: Although re repetitively several times, once we started working on things and started seeing some progress, you would continually tell me, no, I messed up too.
10:57
Daniel Moore: Some of this was my fault as well.
10:59
Daniel Moore: But it took me a little bit to work through all of that because I remembered what I did from the beginning, and so I kept looking at it like this is my whole, I gotta fix this because this is all my fault.
11:09
Daniel Moore: This is happening, you know, and I I start I took a lot of that blame rightfully.
11:14
Daniel Moore: So, I mean, there there's a lot of things I did that I had to take the blame for, it was my fault.
11:20
Daniel Moore: But like you said, there were stuff on both sides eventually that that ended up taking place, and so it's a two-sided story at that point.
11:28
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
11:28
Daniel Moore: Um, but at least if you can get to a point where you can at least start taking responsibility for some of the things that you've done, that's progress.
11:35
Daniel Moore: And that's that's a a spot that you can actually move forward from and try to fix things.
11:40
Daniel Moore: So, whatever the reason is, just remember that your heart is your responsibility.
11:46
Daniel Moore: It's not my responsibility to fix Michelle's heart or have her heart be in the right place or whatever.
11:51
Daniel Moore: Now, things that I do can definitely affect the way that you feel like your heart is.
11:55
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
11:55
Daniel Moore: And you can do things to me to make me feel like my heart's in shambles.
11:59
Daniel Moore: But ultimately, what ultimately, when it comes down to the very end of the whole thing, it's really up to me what I do with my heart.
12:06
Michelle Moore: Yeah, it's good.
12:07
Daniel Moore: Um, it's not, it has nothing to do with with you.
12:10
Daniel Moore: Um, it's it's how I handle it, and vice versa.
12:13
Daniel Moore: You know, Proverbs chapter 4, verse 23 reminds us keep vigilant, watch over your heart.
12:18
Daniel Moore: That's where life starts.
12:20
Daniel Moore: This isn't a command to hide behind emotional barriers, it's a call to protect our hearts from shutting down because God's love flows from an open heart.
12:29
Daniel Moore: That's nothing we need to remember.
12:30
Daniel Moore: If we if our hearts closed off, it's gonna be hard for us to spread God's love to other people.
12:36
Michelle Moore: Right.
12:36
Michelle Moore: That's good.
12:36
Daniel Moore: And it's there that is a that's a conduit that we have built inside of us that God has created for his love to flow forth.
12:43
Daniel Moore: And if we shut our hearts down to our spouses, we in essence at that point are damaging that conduit that God has within us to share his love.
12:52
Michelle Moore: And you can remember what we were walking through and how we were with our relationships with Christ.
12:59
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
12:59
Michelle Moore: You know, and you go back and you think about that, you know, putting a front on, yeah, you can put a front on.
13:05
Michelle Moore: Anybody can put a front on.
13:07
Daniel Moore: Yes.
13:08
Michelle Moore: But your intimate personal relationship with Christ, if your heart's not open with your spouse, it can't be fully open with God either.
13:16
Daniel Moore: Right.
13:16
Daniel Moore: Yeah, there's a big disconnect that happens there.
13:20
Daniel Moore: So when the heart deepens in trust and softens through vulnerability, only then can that real love, that true love, flourish in your relationship.
13:29
Daniel Moore: And you might be sitting here think, if you're in the situation where your heart's just zip tight right now, you might be thinking, there is no way that my heart can be healed.
13:38
Daniel Moore: It's just beyond, beyond me at this point.
13:41
Daniel Moore: And uh the the truth of that is though, is yes, your heart can be healed, no matter how long it's been closed.
13:49
Daniel Moore: All it takes is a heartfelt return to the one who restores it.
13:53
Daniel Moore: As Joel chapter 2, verses 12 through 13 calls us, return to me with all your heart, rend your hearts and not your garments.
14:01
Daniel Moore: Return to the Lord your God.
14:03
Daniel Moore: You know, in ancient culture, if you look into the way it used to be back then, tearing garments expressed heartbreak and repentance.
14:12
Daniel Moore: But this passage here actually goes deeper than that.
14:14
Daniel Moore: It's urging us to open our hearts, even to the point of breaking, so that God can begin his healing work.
14:22
Daniel Moore: And we all know if you've been in a Christian walk very long, we all know that God does his best work when we're in our lowest valley.
14:29
Michelle Moore: Yep.
14:29
Daniel Moore: It takes us to get destroyed, basically.
14:32
Daniel Moore: Satan just comes in and pounds us and gives us a pounding sometimes, and we get to that lowest point before we'll actually put that pride down and call out to God and say, God, I need fixed.
14:43
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
14:44
Daniel Moore: And so we have to make sure that it's not good to let your heart get that far.
14:48
Daniel Moore: Yeah, but we're human.
14:50
Michelle Moore: Wouldn't it be easier just to let God take control?
14:53
Daniel Moore: I know.
14:54
Michelle Moore: And let Him carry that burden.
14:55
Daniel Moore: It would be qu it would be fixed so much quicker.
14:58
Michelle Moore: Oh my gosh.
14:58
Daniel Moore: And in and so much of a better way.
15:00
Michelle Moore: And and I mean, we're a walking testimony of doing it yourself and letting pride come in.
15:06
Michelle Moore: And then later, after you're healed, you know, now we recognize.
15:09
Michelle Moore: We don't that we recognize the enemy and we go, I mean, we spend daily in prayer and and reading, and we know, okay, the enemy is on attack.
15:18
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
15:18
Michelle Moore: Like, you know, and we recognize that.
15:20
Michelle Moore: And it's like, okay, God, do your work, you know?
15:23
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
15:24
Daniel Moore: You there are signs, wording signs that you can watch for, and you'll know when Satan's coming up against you.
15:31
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
15:32
Daniel Moore: So sometimes as with a bone that must be broken again to heal correctly, the heart also needs to be opened deeply to fully experience transformation.
15:40
Daniel Moore: When you invite God into that process, He makes a powerful promise.
15:45
Daniel Moore: I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanness, and from all your idols I will cleanse you, and I will give you a new heart.
15:55
Daniel Moore: That's Ezekiel 36, verses 25 through 26.
15:59
Michelle Moore: That's a good scripture.
16:00
Daniel Moore: A closed or hardened heart never has to be your final chapter.
16:04
Daniel Moore: With God, restoration is always possible.
16:08
Daniel Moore: Michelle and I, we've seen it in our own lives, and we've also seen it happen over and over with other people, that their hearts were once hardened, are now beating again with renewed love and tenderness.
16:19
Daniel Moore: If God can bring life from death, he can certainly revive a lifeless heart and transform your marriage.
16:26
Daniel Moore: And I like that analogy with the broken bone.
16:29
Daniel Moore: We know that if the bone breaks and we don't get that taken care of immediately and it starts trying to grow back, it can grow back the wrong way.
16:36
Daniel Moore: That's good.
16:37
Daniel Moore: It's not set correctly.
16:38
Daniel Moore: So obviously, when that happens, it's a very painful fix.
16:42
Daniel Moore: They have to go in there and re-break that bone all over again and restart that process putting it back together.
16:49
Daniel Moore: And so with that, with that being the case, our marriages sometimes are like that.
16:55
Daniel Moore: We may have something break in our marriage, and we may try, especially if we keep God out of the equation, we may try to fix the issue on our own and not bring God into the middle of it.
17:05
Daniel Moore: And we can sometimes cause more damage by doing that by let than by letting God come in and fix things.
17:12
Daniel Moore: And what that ends up happening is when we do finally break again and we finally let God come in, then He has to bring us back down to a low again to start building us back up.
17:24
Daniel Moore: And I really like that analogy.
17:26
Daniel Moore: And that's one reason it's so important when we have these issues in marriage between spouses that we need to get God in the mix very quickly at the beginning of the problem.
17:35
Daniel Moore: Don't try to fix it ourselves without him, and then find out, oh, we can't fix this on our own.
17:40
Daniel Moore: Right.
17:40
Daniel Moore: And then bring God back into it because there's probably going to be another breaking or pruning season that's going to happen when God gets involved.
17:48
Daniel Moore: And that could be much more brutal for us to get through all of that process.
17:52
Daniel Moore: So, how do you create a marriage that's built on emotional connection and trust, even when vulnerability feels risky?
18:09
Daniel Moore: Well, it starts by cultivating an environment where your spouse's heart feels safe.
18:14
Daniel Moore: Safety isn't just about avoiding conflict or pain, it's a way of being.
18:20
Daniel Moore: It's living in a posture of love, grace, and trustworthiness.
18:25
Daniel Moore: Remember, God deeply desires relationship with you, and he pursues you with love so pure and faithful that he gave his only son for you.
18:36
Daniel Moore: The essence of God's love includes safety, the kind of safety that invites us to rest fully in his care.
18:43
Daniel Moore: And he assures us this through scripture.
18:45
Daniel Moore: And let's look at a couple of those scriptures here.
18:48
Daniel Moore: Michelle read those four scriptures that are apply here.
18:52
Michelle Moore: Um Proverbs 18 10.
18:54
Michelle Moore: The name of the Lord is a strong tower.
18:57
Michelle Moore: The righteous man runs into it and is safe.
19:01
Michelle Moore: Psalm 16 1, save me, O God, because I have come to you for refuge.
19:10
Michelle Moore: Psalms 4 8.
19:11
Michelle Moore: In peace, I will both lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
19:21
Michelle Moore: Proverbs 29 25.
19:24
Michelle Moore: The fear of the man lays a snare, but whoever, whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.
19:32
Daniel Moore: I love those scriptures.
19:34
Michelle Moore: Those are very good.
19:35
Daniel Moore: So many times we always walk through things in our human flesh.
19:40
Daniel Moore: We think we're by ourselves.
19:42
Daniel Moore: We're on this little island out here, nobody cares.
19:45
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
19:46
Daniel Moore: We got our own little pity party story going on.
19:48
Daniel Moore: And the whole time God's right there waiting, you know, and it's like we just don't see it because we're so involved in the mess going on in our head.
19:59
Daniel Moore: And we have so much baggage that we're dragging around.
20:02
Daniel Moore: We're just it's just total chaos of with everything that's going on.
20:06
Daniel Moore: And the whole time we're sitting there thinking, well, I got to do this to fix it, and I got to do this to fix it, and now I need to do this to fix it.
20:12
Daniel Moore: And it's always me, me, me.
20:14
Daniel Moore: And we got to remember God wants to be in the middle of that stuff with us.
20:19
Daniel Moore: That's good.
20:20
Daniel Moore: Yes, we probably did things to get ourselves in that mess.
20:23
Daniel Moore: It's probably our fault.
20:24
Daniel Moore: But God doesn't want to see us that way.
20:26
Daniel Moore: He knows that at that point we have a wrecked heart.
20:30
Daniel Moore: And he's the only one that really can truly fix that.
20:33
Daniel Moore: Even if Michelle and I, if I have a wrecked heart, and even if we wreck, you know, reconcile to a point, yeah, things probably get better, but I may still not have a completely healed heart.
20:44
Daniel Moore: And there are some things that it takes God to come in and to weed out.
20:49
Daniel Moore: And so these scriptures, I love them because it just shows us how much his love is.
20:55
Daniel Moore: He's our strong tower, he's our refuge.
20:57
Daniel Moore: We get peace when we lie down with him and sleep.
21:01
Daniel Moore: Uh, if somebody lays a snare for us, the Lord is there as our safety to get us out of that mess.
21:07
Michelle Moore: Yeah, this is a good thing.
21:08
Daniel Moore: And I think many times if we would just immediately go to God when things start coming up in our marriages, we could probably resolve things a lot faster and a more efficient way.
21:18
Michelle Moore: Well, if we just go to God in general for a whole day.
21:22
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
21:22
Daniel Moore: Uh it's something we we forget a lot.
21:24
Michelle Moore: Yeah, we do.
21:25
Daniel Moore: I think.
21:26
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
21:26
Daniel Moore: But these passages here, they they paint a picture not just of God's power, but of his deep desire for you and for us to feel secure enough to keep our hearts open, not only to him, but also to other people.
21:40
Daniel Moore: So when you live from an open healed heart, you unlock the possibility of intimacy in your marriage that goes beyond surviving.
21:48
Daniel Moore: It begins to fully thrive.
21:51
Daniel Moore: You know, we like what John and Stasi Eldridge says about creating a safe marriage.
21:57
Daniel Moore: They say marriage is the sanctuary of the heart.
21:59
Daniel Moore: You have been entrusted with the heart of another human being.
22:03
Daniel Moore: Whatever else your life's great mission will entail, loving and defending this heart next to you is part of your great quest.
22:10
Daniel Moore: Marriage is the privilege and the honor of living so close to the heart, and as close as two people can get.
22:18
Daniel Moore: No one else in all the world has the opportunity to know each other more intimately than do a husband and wife.
22:25
Daniel Moore: We are invited into their secret lives, their truest selves.
22:29
Daniel Moore: We come to know their nuances, their particular taste, what they think is funny, what drives them crazy.
22:36
Daniel Moore: We are entrusted with their hopes and dreams, their wounds and their fears.
22:42
Daniel Moore: This reminds me so much of the scripture that's in the Bible where uh Jesus said that we need to love our neighbors ourselves.
22:51
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
22:52
Daniel Moore: And many times it's been said, our spouse is our closest neighbor.
22:57
Daniel Moore: And so whenever we look at that scripture, especially in these marriages that are having problems and they're enemies, they're fighting against each other constantly, but yet they'll go to their neighbor and be their best friend.
23:10
Daniel Moore: Uh, we're breaking that that scripture.
23:13
Daniel Moore: We're breaking what God has put before us because as this, I love this, what they what they're saying here, because your spouse truly is other than God, they truly are the one that knows you the best.
23:27
Michelle Moore: Right, right.
23:27
Daniel Moore: They are the one that knows how you tick, your insides and outs.
23:31
Daniel Moore: I mean, they know everything about you before it's all said and done.
23:34
Daniel Moore: And it's always a learning process.
23:36
Daniel Moore: We constantly find out new things about our spouses all the time.
23:39
Daniel Moore: It's just kind of like having a relationship with God.
23:41
Daniel Moore: We'll never know the fullness of God in this life.
23:44
Daniel Moore: And there's just He's too much.
23:46
Daniel Moore: There's too, there's too much vast about Him that we just will never understand.
23:50
Daniel Moore: And I think a lot of times, even with our spouses, it's the same way because it's a constant learning curve that as new things happen, new adventures take place in your marriages.
23:59
Daniel Moore: Uh I know with myself that you know I'm always learning new things about you.
24:03
Michelle Moore: Same here.
24:04
Daniel Moore: And but you're only going to do that if you're wanting and willing and wanting to put yourself out there and do that and keep this open heart stance so that you can actually uh take go on this adventure with your spouse and really truly see who they are.
24:20
Daniel Moore: And so I I love that uh what they were saying there, and that is very important to keeping our hearts open, is to realize that our spouse is the person closest to us that really truly needs to know who we are.
24:33
Daniel Moore: And so we always need to make sure that we protect that.
24:36
Daniel Moore: So as we're talking about this safe spot that we all need to have to be able to run to so that we can actually communicate and talk with each other, work through issues and problems, what is emotional safety?
24:48
Daniel Moore: Well, we define emotional safety as feeling free to open your heart and be fully known and know that your spouse will unconditionally love, accept, protect, nourish, and cherish you as an imperfect person.
25:02
Daniel Moore: So then you say, Well, how do we pull this off?
25:05
Daniel Moore: How do we create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth?
25:09
Daniel Moore: And that's truly what we're trying to build here.
25:12
Daniel Moore: There's a lot of things that, you know, from a storm we can run to a tornado shelter.
25:19
Daniel Moore: Uh if we have wild beasts chasing us out in the field, we can run to our house as fast as we can, run inside and lock the door.
25:26
Michelle Moore: As long as you're fast, right?
25:27
Daniel Moore: As long as you're faster than the beast.
25:30
Michelle Moore: I'm sitting here thinking that would not be me.
25:32
Daniel Moore: I might get caught myself.
25:33
Daniel Moore: I bet I better make sure I'm only like five feet away from the door.
25:37
Michelle Moore: That was good.
25:38
Daniel Moore: But in this analogy, you know, there's so many places we run to for safety.
25:42
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
25:43
Daniel Moore: And then we forget about the the safest spot that we have in our lives.
25:48
Daniel Moore: That's our marriages.
25:49
Daniel Moore: Uh we have to make sure that regardless of what's going on around us, the dangers and the trials and all the things that can take place on a daily basis from the outside, uh, we do want to work on trying to stay safe from all of those types of things, but we also need to make sure the whole core of our emotional safety that we thrive on, that we protect that as the best that we can.
26:12
Daniel Moore: And that is our marriage.
26:14
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
26:14
Daniel Moore: And that's the whole core of family.
26:15
Michelle Moore: What people gotta remember is your marriage is a reflection of your relationship with Christ.
26:20
Daniel Moore: Yes, it is.
26:22
Daniel Moore: And when we keep that in mind, that gives us a whole different aspect on it.
26:26
Daniel Moore: I mean, that's and gives us different goals.
26:28
Daniel Moore: Yep.
26:29
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it re rewrites that whole script basically.
26:33
Daniel Moore: So some couples were asked at a marriage seminar to define emotional safety.
26:38
Daniel Moore: So they gave some answers.
26:40
Daniel Moore: So let's look through these and see what we came up with.
26:43
Daniel Moore: Michelle, why don't you share those with us?
26:46
Michelle Moore: Yeah, so here is some of their responses.
26:49
Michelle Moore: Feeling secure, a deep sense that our relationship is unbreakable, feeling loved unconditionally and accepted for who I am, feeling relaxed and peaceful, being cared for above anyone else, being fully known to see me for who I am, being free to express who I really am, feeling respected, feeling valued and cherished, not being judged, and accepting my flaws as part of the whole package.
27:29
Michelle Moore: You know, I I read those and I'm like, it's mostly accepting the person who I am, to see me for who I am, to express who I am, to be not being judged for who I am, you know, accepting my flaws for who I am.
27:44
Daniel Moore: Well, if you think about it, if you come up to a relationship that's having problems, a lot of times if you really talk up to the spouses and try to get to the core of the problem and what's going on, you'll probably eventually hear them say something, well, they just aren't quite who I thought they were.
28:04
Daniel Moore: I expected this and they gave me this.
28:09
Daniel Moore: I assumed they would handle it like this, but then they handled it like this.
28:14
Daniel Moore: They let those differences determine where that relationship goes from that fork in the road whenever whatever it is happens.
28:25
Daniel Moore: And we forget again.
28:28
Daniel Moore: I think we've brought this up a couple times today already, but we forget again that we're human.
28:33
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
28:33
Daniel Moore: You know, we make mistakes, and there are things that we're gonna make decisions on sometimes that's gonna throw our spouse for a loop.
28:41
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
28:41
Daniel Moore: Our spouse just dead set thought they were gonna make this decision, then they do something completely different, and it might cause damage.
28:48
Daniel Moore: You know, it may have been a bad choice.
28:50
Daniel Moore: It might have sent something down the wrong path.
28:52
Michelle Moore: Can I make make make a comment to that?
28:54
Michelle Moore: Sure.
28:55
Michelle Moore: You know, when you say that sometimes your spouse may make a different choice, you also and and I know that we're also talking about relationships with that had that's having issues, but sometimes one spouse may be more in tune to the Holy Spirit and the than the other.
29:13
Michelle Moore: We have to remember that one spouse, if they choose to do something, we have to respect that to a certain way, degree, because what if the Holy Spirit is telling them to do something and the other spouse is not at the moment connected to God and yet we get upset about that.
29:35
Daniel Moore: Right.
29:35
Daniel Moore: And what's our litmus what's our litmus test for that?
29:39
Daniel Moore: Well, we start we put that towards the Bible.
29:42
Daniel Moore: We start comparing, well, is there a positive outcome with this choice that's been made?
29:47
Daniel Moore: Does it really seem like God's in the middle of it?
29:50
Michelle Moore: And it's hard for that other person to recognize that because they're not where they should be.
29:55
Michelle Moore: So I can see in areas where that person would choose to do something that they thought was correct, but the spouse is saying, No, that's not what I would be doing, or that's not what you should be doing.
30:08
Michelle Moore: How do you, as the one spouse that is following what they felt like the Holy Spirit is moving them to, how do you handle that spouse that disagrees with them?
30:18
Daniel Moore: I think these decisions need to start with prayer.
30:21
Michelle Moore: That's good.
30:22
Daniel Moore: Because how many times do we make choices without praying about them?
30:25
Daniel Moore: I mean, you do it a lot.
30:26
Daniel Moore: I mean, we don't do it as much as we used to.
30:29
Michelle Moore: I was getting ready to say we do pray about a lot of stuff, you know.
30:32
Daniel Moore: Yeah, we still have a tendency sometimes to make quick, fast, rash decisions though sometimes without praying about them.
30:39
Daniel Moore: And sometimes they work out.
30:41
Daniel Moore: I mean, it's not most of the time.
30:42
Daniel Moore: It's not a bad thing, yeah.
30:44
Michelle Moore: Because they're not huge things.
30:45
Daniel Moore: Right.
30:45
Daniel Moore: There's there's a lot of times that it's okay, but we have seen times where we've done that and it caused friction between you and I because it didn't have a good outcome.
30:56
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
30:56
Michelle Moore: It's usually mostly the kids, just saying a lot of times.
30:59
Daniel Moore: And then and I think financial stuff is a big one in this area.
31:03
Daniel Moore: And there's a lot of things that that we do financially sometimes where we just make the choice because it's what we want.
31:10
Daniel Moore: I think we've all been there and done that.
31:12
Daniel Moore: And but then what happens later if you get really tight, can't spend money anymore, you might even be, you know, spiral towards bankruptcy.
31:20
Daniel Moore: It's real easy at that point to start playing the blame game on your spouses.
31:24
Daniel Moore: Because if it if you can point it back to one choice that was made, well, that can cause issues and create tension between spouses.
31:31
Daniel Moore: Well, if you'd never done that or made that choice, we wouldn't be where we're at right now.
31:35
Daniel Moore: And then you see where that goes.
31:37
Daniel Moore: Yep.
31:37
Daniel Moore: You know, that that's a very bad spiral.
31:40
Daniel Moore: That's a bad slide to slide down on.
31:42
Daniel Moore: You you want to stay off of that.
31:44
Michelle Moore: And we've seen that multiple times, not just us, but I mean just in in in marriages in general.
31:51
Daniel Moore: Yeah, as we've talked to other couples and worked with other couples, that's been a big issue.
31:56
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
31:57
Daniel Moore: Um because if we got to remember when we get married, and we talked about this a little bit earlier, we are different.
32:03
Daniel Moore: We come in with different views of things.
32:06
Daniel Moore: Uh we have, you know, different aspects of different ways that we look at stuff.
32:10
Daniel Moore: So we're two really completely different individuals coming together to mesh as one to try to combine all of that and make something awesome out of it.
32:18
Michelle Moore: Yeah, and I know we've talked about it.
32:20
Michelle Moore: One of most generally you have one saver and one spender.
32:23
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
32:24
Michelle Moore: Sometimes you get two spinders, you know, and you it just we've talked about that in the past, you know, and how that affects a marriage.
32:31
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
32:32
Daniel Moore: And so we have to be real careful with judging our spouses and disrespecting them.
32:40
Daniel Moore: And this one about being fully known.
32:44
Daniel Moore: This one's a tough one because this gets into the area where spouses sometimes don't want to let their spouses in to see everything because it terrifies them to let their spouses know who they truly are.
32:59
Daniel Moore: They have these little, I don't want to say they're really skeletons in the closet.
33:02
Daniel Moore: I mean, they might be, but it it may just be that trust thing.
33:06
Daniel Moore: They just don't have enough trust yet in their spouse, and especially if there's been some damage that's taken place and some trust has been annihilated in some different areas.
33:16
Daniel Moore: It's real hard after that to let your spouse in and fully know, allow them to fully know who you are.
33:23
Daniel Moore: Uh there you just you set you have a little sense of safety in keeping some of that back.
33:28
Daniel Moore: But we can't do that whenever we're trying to open our hearts.
33:31
Daniel Moore: Right.
33:32
Daniel Moore: When we're trying to be transparent and we're trying to talk about things between each other that's going to eventually fix a problem.
33:40
Daniel Moore: We have to be able to open ourselves up to that and let our spouses in there.
33:45
Daniel Moore: And so if you're in any of these spaces here that's been mentioned in this emotional safety, then you really need to look probably at trying to work out the resolution and try to get to a place where you can heal your heart.
34:02
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
34:03
Daniel Moore: And we're not going to get into it this week.
34:05
Daniel Moore: We're going to have to spread this out to another episode.
34:07
Daniel Moore: But we do have four steps that we're going to go through, uh, the whole, the whole core of what this episode's about, and we'll get into those next week of what those four steps are.
34:18
Daniel Moore: But regardless of what's going on in your life, there has to be a point that you come to where you realize you have an issue.
34:26
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
34:27
Daniel Moore: And that something needs to be fixed, or this marriage is not going to flourish.
34:31
Michelle Moore: And you got to remember your marriage is more important than your pride.
34:37
Daniel Moore: Yes.
34:38
Daniel Moore: Pride's a big one.
34:39
Daniel Moore: It's hard to bring pride down.
34:41
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
34:42
Michelle Moore: And you just got to remember that love that you had, your first love.
34:46
Michelle Moore: One, your first love is is God.
34:49
Michelle Moore: But you know, your love and your marriage, why did you marry that person?
34:54
Michelle Moore: Let that open your heart.
34:56
Michelle Moore: Be vulnerable.
34:57
Michelle Moore: I I want to say for some people, that's probably one of the scariest things that they can experience is to open your heart and be more vulnerable to anything.
35:06
Michelle Moore: Um, is allowing that spouse.
35:08
Michelle Moore: I mean, that to me, after we fixed everything, that was it was hard for me.
35:14
Michelle Moore: And you know, because I was terrified I was gonna mess it up, I was terrified you were gonna hurt me again.
35:20
Michelle Moore: But my love to you knowing that you were my chosen spouse that God gave me, it helped.
35:29
Michelle Moore: So remember that.
35:31
Daniel Moore: Yeah, we can't stress enough to keep prayer because it it's honestly you can't do this opening the heart thing and letting your spouse back in when trust has been damaged and there's insecurity issues, yeah and all this stuff's going on.
35:47
Daniel Moore: That's very hard for you to do that by yourself.
35:49
Michelle Moore: Absolutely.
35:50
Daniel Moore: Because you are like you said, you said the exact thing being terrified that it's gonna, you're gonna let it all out there, and then it's just gonna be squashed and crushed again.
36:02
Michelle Moore: When you've been hurt more than once, it I mean it's it is hard to break that wall.
36:07
Daniel Moore: Yes, very difficult, so that list that we just shared you with you there, that's a very powerful list.
36:29
Daniel Moore: But you know, imagine what your marriage would feel like if that kind of emotional safety was actually at the core of your relationship.
36:37
Daniel Moore: Yes.
36:38
Daniel Moore: When your spouse feels secure with you, it naturally allows them to let their guard down and open their heart.
36:46
Daniel Moore: And when hearts are open, connection just flows.
36:50
Daniel Moore: Michelle and I can vouch for that.
36:52
Daniel Moore: You don't have to manufacture closeness or try to force intimacy because safety invites it in organically.
36:59
Daniel Moore: And our connection that we have is unreal at this point.
37:04
Daniel Moore: Uh, we've never at early in our marriage, we never would have seen this type of connection that you and I have.
37:10
Daniel Moore: Right.
37:11
Daniel Moore: We never saw it.
37:12
Daniel Moore: And we talked to couples that don't have it right now in their relationships.
37:17
Daniel Moore: They're happily married in their own minds, but they don't, they're in awe of the connection that you and I have.
37:26
Daniel Moore: And but there's a reason that we are so open now.
37:30
Daniel Moore: There's a reason that we are so transparent, even with all of you, as we share all of this.
37:36
Daniel Moore: Michelle and I have came to a point in our marriage where we've realized how to break those walls down and let God come in and do his work, and he's created a whole new relationship between us two.
37:47
Daniel Moore: And I'm so thankful for that because it takes so much stress just off the relationship part itself, of the worry of making you happy or the worry of meeting your needs or whatever it may be.
38:00
Daniel Moore: And I know from the other side of it, there's not a worry there for that for you anymore either.
38:06
Daniel Moore: And so it's just a whole cleansing type of feeling inside when you can actually get to that point where everything is is in a good condition.
38:15
Daniel Moore: Now, on the other hand, though, staying emotionally shut down takes an enormous amount of energy.
38:21
Daniel Moore: You know, think of a moment not long ago when your spouse upset or disappointed you.
38:25
Daniel Moore: Remember how quickly your heart pulled away from them?
38:28
Daniel Moore: Well, that disconnection wasn't just emotional, it took effort to maintain that.
38:34
Daniel Moore: Our hearts weren't designed to stay closed.
38:37
Daniel Moore: Holding everything in is like trying to keep a beach ball submerged underwater.
38:42
Daniel Moore: It takes continuous force.
38:46
Michelle Moore: And we've tried that before, so we know how that turns out.
38:50
Daniel Moore: Unless you bring that fork that Michelle talked about last week and stab the ball and let the air out of it, it's not going to stay under very well.
38:57
Daniel Moore: God fills our hearts with love and trying to suppress that love just drains us.
39:04
Daniel Moore: But then notice what happens when your spouse takes responsibility, owns their actions, and asks for forgiveness.
39:12
Daniel Moore: Have you ever felt how quickly your heart responds to that?
39:15
Daniel Moore: It's like releasing that beach ball.
39:18
Daniel Moore: It bursts to the surface with tons of energy.
39:21
Daniel Moore: The moment safety is restored, your heart often opens wide, and that genuine connection returns.
39:28
Daniel Moore: Sometimes it happens in an instant.
39:31
Daniel Moore: So as we close this week, let's say it again.
39:36
Daniel Moore: True connection and closeness are only possible when both partners keep their hearts open.
39:41
Daniel Moore: And for that to happen, the relationship has to feel safe in every way.
39:46
Daniel Moore: And what are those four ways?
39:48
Daniel Moore: It's emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically.
39:52
Daniel Moore: So what does it take to create that kind of marriage?
39:57
Daniel Moore: Well, in all reality, it's actually more simple.
39:59
Daniel Moore: Than you might think.
40:00
Daniel Moore: And next week when we come back, we're going to have four points that we're going to go through as we wrap up this episode here on creating safety in your marriage.
40:10
Daniel Moore: So make sure you're subscribed and that way you'll receive that.
40:13
Daniel Moore: Michelle, is there anything else that you want to add to this week's episode?
40:17
Michelle Moore: No, I just want to go to the fact that as you were saying, as our relationship is different, you know, and we're so lucky and blessed to be this, you know, to have our relationship the way we are.
40:28
Michelle Moore: And, you know, as we've talked about on our podcast, this podcast has been a healing process for us too.
40:35
Michelle Moore: Yes.
40:36
Michelle Moore: And, you know, both of us talking about these things, there are things in here that we when we get done with the podcast, we're like, oh my gosh, that was so good.
40:45
Michelle Moore: And it's like, we wish we would have had that, you know, but even if we since we didn't have it and we have it now, there are things that we've been putting into practice for ourselves now.
40:57
Michelle Moore: But it's been a healing process for Dan and I to be so open on the podcast to all of you.
41:03
Michelle Moore: And, you know, not that we're not open all the time, we are very open with each other.
41:07
Michelle Moore: But as we talk these things through, we do not, this is like he'll say something to me and I'll give him a look because I'm just like, you want me to answer that after you asked me that question?
41:18
Michelle Moore: We're real.
41:19
Michelle Moore: Like, I mean, there is nothing scripted out.
41:22
Michelle Moore: Like, this is us giving our hearts out to it.
41:25
Michelle Moore: And, you know, and so when he'll say things, I take that in.
41:29
Michelle Moore: And it's like, wow, you know, I learned that, you know.
41:32
Michelle Moore: So I just want to tell you guys to be, you know, be open with your spouses.
41:37
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
41:37
Michelle Moore: You know, communicate.
41:39
Michelle Moore: Um, if you're having issues, be very, very vulnerable.
41:43
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
41:43
Michelle Moore: You know, let them, you know, sit down and talk to them.
41:47
Michelle Moore: Don't accuse, don't use your tone, don't roll your eyes.
41:51
Michelle Moore: Just sit down and talk to them.
41:53
Michelle Moore: Have a heart-to-heart talk, you know, and you know, work things through.
41:58
Michelle Moore: Don't let it build.
41:59
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
41:59
Daniel Moore: And silence is very damaging.
42:02
Michelle Moore: Oh.
42:02
Daniel Moore: If you are one of those silent communicators that never wants to talk, you're never going to solve any problems.
42:07
Daniel Moore: It's just not going to happen.
42:09
Michelle Moore: No.
42:09
Daniel Moore: You have to be open and willing to talk about things and truly talk through things because you want to fix it.
42:15
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
42:16
Daniel Moore: Not because you want to accuse and blame somebody for something.
42:20
Michelle Moore: And I want to go back to the scripture in Proverbs.
42:24
Michelle Moore: The name of the Lord is a strong tower.
42:27
Michelle Moore: The righteous man runs into it and is safe.
42:30
Michelle Moore: I'm so thankful we have that.
42:33
Michelle Moore: Our Heavenly Father is amazing.
42:36
Daniel Moore: He is.
42:37
Michelle Moore: The grace that He gives, the forgiveness, the love that He has for us, the protection.
42:44
Michelle Moore: I mean, who wouldn't want that?
42:47
Daniel Moore: Yep, I totally agree.
42:49
Daniel Moore: And on that note, we're going to go ahead and wrap it up for this week.
42:53
Daniel Moore: As we leave, we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
42:57
Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries.
43:00
Daniel Moore: If you'd like to reach out to us, you can go to our website at connectingthegap.net.
43:04
Daniel Moore: There's a form there that you can maybe reach out and let us know maybe something that's uh gotten better in your marriage or maybe something you've learned today that you're going to apply.
43:14
Daniel Moore: We'd love to hear from you guys.
43:15
Daniel Moore: You can also email us at Daniel at connectingthegap.net as well.
43:19
Daniel Moore: And of course, the links for our new books are there.
43:22
Daniel Moore: If you haven't had a chance to purchase those yet, you can purchase those pretty much anywhere that you can purchase books online.
43:28
Daniel Moore: Well, we're out of here for now, and we pray that you have a blessed week.