Latest / High Five Hot Mess Podcast / Your Authenticity Is Your Biggest Strength — And Your Biggest Weakness
Transcript
- Lisa Wilson: Something that you're gonna hear, Lisa and I go on and on about is the power of authenticity and how important it is. ⁓ I mean, just like every Pinterest tile out there, be yourself because someone else has taken. I think that quote is actually Mark Twain. Not sure. I'll double check that. But again, any Pinterest tile is gonna have that on there. Yeah. ⁓ and it's really it's true. Like, why are you faking trying to be something that you're not? It's a full time job, right? And we don't we We I will never be that person. Yeah. What do you think? Lee? Lisa Smith: Well, absolutely. I think you are the best version of your of you and so why try to be somebody else? I think you know, when I kind of look at some instances of people who always constantly molded themselves to be somebody else or to be ⁓ have characteristics that the new boss liked or whatever it was. ⁓ that wa that is legit the it. Lisa Wilson: So there's there's a psychological term for that. It's called a high self monitor. So a high self mon ⁓ okay, guys, I'm gonna show off my fancy degrees now, so just get ready. You can also Google it. A high self monitor is somebody who is very aware of how they are perceived by others and will make active changes to either their physical appearance or their like ⁓ the way that they talk, they get speech coaches. Lisa Smith: No Lisa Wilson: They will mold themselves to ha be perceived by others a certain way. And then there is a low self-monitor, which is the people like me that do not change who they are. ⁓ they can't change who they are. That's almost like they're not able to do it, ⁓ to be perceived a different way. Like they can't help but to be authentic in every scenario. So I will tell you two things. One, ⁓ I get this a lot in performance evaluations, which we're gonna do a whole episode on that. So stay tuned. ⁓ but I get a lot that, you know, your authenticity is your biggest strength and your biggest weakness because I really I think I've gotten better over the years with filtering, but I used to just I had no filter and it was almost like it was hard for people. Like I'll tell you an example. Someone called me one time at work and they were like, hey. ⁓ I have I'm there's this big test next week that I have to get the certification. I'm really nervous about it. And I'm like, Did you study? And they were like, Well, yeah. And I'm like, Well then what are you worried about? Like, just go ba do flashcards, get someone to cover the information with you. And they were like, Wow, like you couldn't just be like, Hey, you're gonna be fine. Now I'm stressed out and I'm like, Well then don't call me. Like Like I asked you're calling me because you like You like literally they wanted me just to say like, hey, I you're gonna be great. They clearly didn't know me because I'm never gonna be that person. No. ⁓ so I think that sometimes when we talk about authenticity, it's it's misconstrued and I think it's misused a lot. So what I mean when I say authenticity is I do not give compliments very often, but when I do, they carry a lot of weight. Because and I will tell people all the time, I will not compliment you all the time, ⁓ for the little things, but if I do compliment you, it's because I really, really mean it. And it carries a lot of weight because I do that, right? And I think that I'm the same way. Like I don't expect compliments from people when people are like, you know, mushy, like they're, ⁓ I think you're so smart and your hair looks great. So like I I really kind of am dismissive of it because I do it all the way all the time for everyone. ⁓ so for me it matters more when that person, you know, like my husband, for example. My husband does not like laugh at my jokes. He does not agree with me when I say things. He often doesn't even hear me when I'm talking to him. He's got me on a like on zero volume for the most part, because we've been married twenty-seven years. And he just doesn't hear me. But every once in a while he will say something remarkable to me. And I'm just like Like it to me that is authentic person saying something authentically to me and because of that it carries way more weight than some that every day was like, ⁓ you're my wife and I love you, you're so beautiful, you're so smart. Like to me I'd be like, and who is the second wife gonna be? Right? I wouldn't trust it at all. So I mean that would be the power of authenticity. And it's not like all of our authenticity is different. Right. The way that I'm authentic is different than the way that you're authentic. One of the things that I work with, ⁓ I have mentorees. So people that I work with that for one reason or another need some help in an area of their life. And I do it. I'm not a life coach. You don't want me for that. ⁓ but there's just something that they want help with. And one of the things that I'm always like, this is how I would say this or do this, or this is how I would respond to the situation. But that is not how you're gonna do it. The outcome we want to be the same, but how we approach it and how we talk about it is very, very different because what it works for me is not gonna work for you. You're a different person with different context, different motivations, right? Like it is it is it can sometimes be tough. Well Lisa Smith: I think everybody has their own blueprint on maybe how to get from point A to point B. I think the end goal can be the same, but how we get there can be different. And that is truly the path of authenticity. Showing up as your true self, doing it your way. ⁓ yeah. Lisa Wilson: Yep. And so like I wish sometimes that I was a high self monitor. I wish that I could mold myself and like like me and my attitude are gonna be great greeters at like Walmart or Target if I don't watch it. Sometimes that I'm like, if I could just be a high self monitor, we would be in the Caribbean right now with our, you know, with our remote podcast location. Like It's really if not everyone can take a low self monitor, especially if you're used to only dealing with high self monitors. And I'm gonna give you an example story and then we'll we'll come back to it. So I am socially awkward because I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't go to church, and I don't have kids. It's really hard for me to relate to people socially because I just what are we gonna talk about? Right. So It's challenging for me, but I when I left the job that we shared together, I was gutted. Absolutely gutted. And it was not my decision. Like I knew that if I didn't leave, I was gonna get canned. And it like that to me was a fate worse than death. And everything had just kind of fell apart so quickly. And one day we'll tell you guys all about that. But it was I remember, and this is a true story. I'm driving home sobbing, just like Like someone had died sobbing and I had no one to call. Like you and I had kind of fallen apart and had a falling out and I literally had no friends outside of work, other than my poor husband. But she had heard it enough. And I literally I was like, This is never going to happen to me again. I'm going to invest in people outside of work and people in work. Because I don't want to ever find myself in a situation that if I need help or I am in a desperate state, I have no one who cares about me outside of work. Right. So that was a really big like aha moment for me. And so I've always tried to have friends outside of work, which can be really weird and awkward when you don't have kids, don't go to church and don't drink. Like it's You're a social pariah on all these different levels. And it's really hard to like connect with people. And so, especially in like party environments, like I literally will read Google just so I have something to talk to people about. So what about that netiana? That's crazy. Like you know, literally. This is a true story. So there's a big party, and my husband is an extrovert, meaning His glass gets filled up by interaction with other people. I am an introvert where my glass gets emptied by interaction with other people. But in order to stay married and be happy, like you've got to compromise. Like if it were up to me, we'd never leave the house. Like, but but because his cup gets filled by other people, you know, if he wants to go to a party, I want to go to a party and I'll go with you. And it's always like honestly, a little painful because I just God, I just I would rather clean the toilet with my tongue than go hang out with people I don't know. Like it's really painful for me. So I was like, okay, like we'll go. And it's a big party. There's a lot of people there. A lot of people from work are there. And like their significant others are all there and their kids are all there. It's like hundreds like a hundred people. Big party. And everyone had kind of like meandered outside and there was a large group of women. you know, that were still in the kitchen, like and they were all kind of around like like the snack trays and Yeah. It was hot outside and there was a lot of mosquitoes. And I am not want to go outside 'cause my hair, number one, and number two, mosquitoes. And I was like, I don't and plus all the dudes were out there and all the ladies was inside. Long live the patriarchy. And I was like, okay, I'll I'll hang out in here. And I'm I'm over at like the chartery plate, you know, and they're all over there. And I'm just listening. And They kind of don't acknowledge that I'm standing there. That's fine. I'm used to that. And one of the ladies is talking about how her daughter is in the military and she's so worried that she's going into, you know, this part of the world where they, you know, it's a very hostile, dangerous part of the world. And I was like, Well, is she gonna be in a green zone? And she was like, Well, yeah. I'm like, Okay, well, green zones, if you guys don't know, means that it's like not high risk for that person to be there. ⁓ it's a low risk area that just happened to be in the military during a military movement, but it's a it's a lower risk area. That's how I understood it. I'm sure if I'm wrong, you guys will let me know. But that's kind of how I understood it. I was like, well, you know, she's in a green zone. And ⁓ they all just kind of like looked at me. Well then I began like like double fisting cheese because now I'm nervous and I'm like Like just shotgunning cheese as there she's continuing to talk. And she was like, I just, you know, I'm so worried. You know, she's gonna be in this strange place and all the friend all the other hens are like, ⁓ yes, I know. And she's in the military. She's a badass. Like Yeah I just think she's worried about nothing. And she was like, Well, and then like what if she has to, you know, wear like a burqa? Like what if she has to cover her face and I don't know how she'll handle that? And I was like, Well You know, like nuns wear burkas here, like kind of. They don't have their face covered, but their bodies are covered. You know, there's nuns here. And I'm thinking 'cause they look like they pe are people that would, you know, go to church. And they all kind of look at me and stop. And I was like, like prove your point. Like what are you talking about? You know, again, this is coming from someone who doesn't go to church at all. And they were just kinda like, Yeah and I'm like, you know what I wanna know though? Like Like, why don't they dress sexy for Jesus? Like, they're married to Jesus. So why don't they want to be hot for Jesus? Like, I don't understand that. Like, like, like if I were married to Jesus and a million other women were married to Jesus, I would be wife number one hot. Like, hotness for Jesus. And they're all just kind of like like slowly backing up. And there is a dishwasher that does not speak English at the party. Okay. And she is looking at me. And I'm like, No, like seriously, like like, or maybe underneath they're wearing sexy underwear, like IHR Jesus panties. Like, maybe they're sexy underneath for Jesus. And they are slow, like seriously starting to slowly back away. Not laughing, not like horrified, right? Thomas Jefferson was part of an orgy club called the Hellfire Club, where they all dress up like priests and nuns. So like the concept is still true, right? Like that's what I'm talking about. Like, literally they all left. Left me standing there shotgunning my cheese. Even the dishwasher lady shook her head at me. True story. Shook her head at me and walked away from me. ⁓ like if I were a high self-monitor, I would not have done that, right? But as a low self-monitor, I was like, I can't connect to these people. I don't know what to talk about. I would rather you know, engage in some way that is more authentic for me. And like I thought it was being hilarious. Lisa Smith: Do you feel like sometimes you you move to comedy? Like that Lisa Wilson: It was hilarious and like I got nothing, like nothing out of this. I'm like and then literally I go outside and tell the same story because I'm like trying to like it like I think this is funny. Okay, the dudes were rolling, like rolling with laughter. The little church lady club n was not having any of it, like at all. And I was like, All right, like whatever. That is just one of many stories that I have where I've like my social awkwardness ⁓ has not worked in my favor, right? And it can be very, very challenging, but it's who I am. Yeah. It is it is fundamentally ⁓ what I'm about and I can't change that for anything. What I can do is be more aware when you're conversating and talking to people, you have to stay that person forever. So make sure that it's somebody that you really are and that you're comfortable with. Over time, you will learn to have conversations with people that don't end up with them running in horror and like talking to all their friends about it probably for the next year of their lives. Sexy for Jesus, can you imagine? Like lots of curl, like pearl clutching. ⁓ but you know, it does happen. And I I think that you can absolutely be yourself and still be authentic. And being authentic matters. Like I can smell a fake. Can't you? Lisa Smith: Yeah, ⁓ a thousand percent. And that's why I'm not exactly sure that I enjoy watching people completely reshape everything about their life to fit into a situation. I don't actually find that ⁓ moving. I don't find that positive. Lisa Wilson: That made you get spray tanks. Yes. I mean that is a perfect example of a high sub one. Lisa Smith: thousands and thousands of dollars on clothes. New brand new clothes at you know at our expense. And when I'm saying brand new clothes, it's not like a new outfit here or there for a meeting. I'm talking go into debt buying clothes, buying the expensive things, and spray tanning. Like it was like a prerequisite. Did you get your spray tan? What? I mean, yeah, I did. No problem. And the and then Lisa Wilson: Hold on, Lisa. I want to just point out to the listeners that Lisa literally had a boss that made her get a spray tan, right? Whole team get spray tans to get the job and to stay in the job. It was like a prerequisite. Yeah. So just when you think it's bad out there, unless you have a story like this, and then ⁓ my god, please send it. I want to hear all of them. Lisa that blew my mind when you told me that story. I'm like, what? Lisa Smith: It was a whole Yeah, but I think too why when it doesn't become when it's not authentic anymore and it's not who you are and you're trying to be somebody that you're not. Hey, look, I am a I love a good spray tan. That's not the point. The point is being told that's what I have to do, and I have to look a certain way, then it becomes very inauthentic and it wasn't me and that's when I had to leave. So, because I can't go through my life not being who I am and a lot of people aren't gonna like it. And guess what? That's okay. Yeah. Because they're not they're not Lisa Wilson: Your tribe, your people. Like so Lisa likes to be spray tanned. I prefer to have the color of a sick Victorian child. Like the whiter the better. Right? Like, but that doesn't make either one of us wrong. No, it just means that we have to kind of adapt. Like I bring an umbrella when we go outside. Yeah. You know, like you adapt of authenticity. Yeah. Is so important that that when you learn it, like how do you know you're being authentic? ⁓ number one, you don't get like that sick to your stomach feeling when you're ⁓ doing something you don't want to do. Anything in the beginning is going to be hard, you guys. Like you want it's like you're training a muscle, right? And right now you might be in a position where no one really asks you or talks to you or what's your opinion. Or like you don't get to practice being authentic in your work relationships, maybe even not your personal relationships. But when you do, Give yourself some grace to figure out what that means for you. Like for me, being authentic is, you know, I I approach things with humor, right? A lot of times it is not an appropriate time. Like I found that out the hard way, right? So like it doesn't mean that I'm not gonna do that anymore. It just means that I can't be the same person with every person I'm dealing with, but I can be me. Does that make sense? Lisa Smith: Yeah, totally. And I think it took me a long time to like me. Lisa Wilson: I think it took me. Lisa Smith: Well, I appreciate that. But I haven't always liked me. And I think also because I was judged all the time, judged for how for my work, judged for how I looked, judged for ⁓ how I led, judged for how I showed up or didn't show up or whatever. And it was judgment, judgment, judgment all the time in an environment where you never felt good enough. I didn't love who I was for a long time. And I think it took me a while to understand that ⁓ that's okay if people don't see you. ⁓ then you move on and you find people who do and you find people who lift you up when you're trying to do the same. Lisa Wilson: You guys, it it is also a cognitive behavioral therapy, right? So that's something that I am a big believer in. ⁓ I buy books on it. I don't read them. No, I'm kidding. I do read them. ⁓ because for me, like I truly believe you are where your choices have brought you. So if you find yourself in a bad place, time after time after time, sometimes it takes cognitive behavioral therapy to help you learn what your authentic self is. Like you have to learn different habits. You have to learn or better understand like your pathways to things. Right. Like I did this and then this happened and then I got a dis outcome I d wasn't happy with. Why do I keep doing that? Why is this a repeated behavior? ⁓ there are definitely ways to break that. ⁓ none of us are born this way. And there are some people out there that are just I know a handful that are just authentically the most wonderful, loving, hilarious. talented people out there and I feel like they were just born that way. I'm never gonna be that girl. I've always had to work for it. And many of us out there have to work for it. I'm don't be afraid to kind of find different ways to the end goal, which is to be a happy, authentic, productive person who, you know, hopefully acts in the greater good, the interest of the greater good. We all want personal success. But hopefully we're not, you know, all pushing for just that that personal success. So and I think that people who are authentic have a tendency to do better professionally and personally because it is when you're faking it and people recognize that they get the ick, as Lisa puts it, and they don't they don't want you on their team. They don't want because they don't trust you. And it Lisa Smith: It doesn't always happen right away. It doesn't always happen right away. And so those people can be disguised as like, you know, the rising stars of any situation. So they don't always get caught at the beginning, but they will. And it isn't when you are not authentic to who you are, ⁓ it will it will come out. That's a good way to put it. Lisa Wilson: Mass comes off. It does. Like it's the what you want to build like a great career, what you want to build a great life is you want, you know, the people around you who are gonna make you feel like your best self, both at home and at work. And that requires a foundational principle of trust, right? You have to have trust and authenticity builds trust. When someone is inauthentic, I don't trust them. I wonder what the ulterior motive is. Or if if I think that there's someone who is authentic that suddenly shows me behaviors where I'm like, what the hell? That come from. Like that was a hard awakening that that person was not being authentic and the person that I was trusting and sharing really important information with that was going to impact me professionally. Yeah. Had an ulterior motive. That was hard. So I think that that is the power of authenticity is that it gives you the tool to build trust. Lisa Smith: I mean that was hot. Lisa Wilson: And to build relationships that not only where you're helping others, but then they turn and help you. ⁓ and it just builds really lifelong, profound relationships with the right people. and ultimately, again, it it's a tool in your toolbox to help you have a happy professional and a successful professional and a happy and successful personal life as well. We love you and we'll talk to you next week. Bye. Bye.