Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep13: Why Dating Ugly Might Save Your Love Life 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep13: Why Dating Ugly Might Save Your Love Life 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: What's popping, Christians?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, oh easy.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I feel good, dude.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I do, I do wish I was naked right now.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: No, y'all didn't pay enough money for that.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, yeah, anybody with me?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: I do, man.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in a house full of women, so I was naked all the time.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'd show up to the dinner table.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Titties over the taters.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: What are y'all thankful for, huh?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: My mom's like that your dad's getting custody.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: You take those old B cups over to his trailer.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Get out of my double wide.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a house.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I love being an LA, man.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I love traveling.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think one of my favorite parts about traveling is eating fast food.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Love that shit, dude.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Panera's my favorite because they're trying to be something they're not, and I'm here for that shit.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: They have an open concept kitchen, and the only thing they have to cook with is a microwave.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's so embarrassing, bro.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: The worst is when you order steak because they're like, how would you like that cooked?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, on two?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, bro.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just put it in there, let it spin around and toss it to me like a dog.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: We know why I'm here.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: I also love traveling because as a kid it was traumatic.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: In an adult, I can do my thing, right?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like as a kid, my granny never had time to pull off on an exit if I had to pee.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: If I had to pee, she would pull over on the side of the road, pop open a couple of doors.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: An 11-year-old me would be like, Can they see me?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Am I hidden?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: My granny's like, you're good! And then a trucker would come by, uh-uh, gum, nom, nom, nom.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, granted, he saw something.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, get your ass up, we gotta get to six flags.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like at 7 a.m., they open at noon.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up very southern, okay?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I can't go back to my hometown and order unsweet tea where I'm from.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody'd be like, what in the liberal hell?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Who ordered this?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I don't know, we should kill them.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm with you guys.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: We had like 12 dogs at a time.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: They weren't our dogs.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: People would drive by the farm, roll down the window, and Ark, just toss them out.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, we don't do names here.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Get in line if you want grub.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: My grandpa tried to make them family.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: He'd put them up at the table and be like, now let your sister lick from your plate.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that is not my sister.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: My sister's in rehab.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I know the meth kind of makes her look like a chihuahua.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: A cheer for meth, okay?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: She's got two more teeth in 507, okay?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's how we tell them apart.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up with an older sister.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone else older sister?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you trauma, bro.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: She must be here or something.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: You were like, it was fine, it was fun.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: My sister prepared me for prison, okay?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I would just be chilling in the front yard.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: My sister would come up, grab my ponytail, and just start fighting me, dude.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the whole time she's like, I only let you borrow my pants because you look fat in them.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you're my only friend.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Please, God, let me go.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: My mom's on the front porch with a whiskey coat, like, figure it out.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Swear to God, if you're still fighting when SVU comes on, I'm gonna be pissed! And that's why I love public fighting today, bro.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite is road rage.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm an aggressive driver, which means I'm the best driver.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I hate when people get in my car and they're screaming, crying like, we wanna live.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you called the Uber, my guy.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe save up all your little pennies and buy your own car.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're gonna be running from the cops.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not good at road rage either.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: This girl and her boyfriend cut me and my boyfriend off, and I was like, pull up to her car, babe.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Pull up to her car.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do something freaking crazy.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I hadn't planned anything, so I was just like, ah, just all teeth.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: My boyfriend's like, where'd you learn that?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, McGranny.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: You ever seen a truck driver?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: My therapist tries to help me.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, you know what might help with the road rage is if you listen to opera music.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: No, bitch.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because now instead of wanting to kill people, I just have a soundtrack for it.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: They cut me off at a red light, I'm like, get out the car, I'll beat your ass.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh fuck, they're really doing it.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Run, run.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Is anyone here with their best friend tonight?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: We got Bestie Westie.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Five of that was late.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: That whole I feel like three of you have a group chat the other four aren't a part of.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way you're all best friends.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I always feel mature until I meet my best friend's other best friend.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Which isn't a fucking thing, okay?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always like, defend your spot in the pack, you know?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it always happens when I'm introducing myself, so I'm like, hi, I'm Amber, and our periods sync up.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Can you compete with science?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it moving.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually on my period right now.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, aha.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like you just learned a fact about space.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, that's crazy, okay?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I believe it because I have no idea.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Usually guys look away.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, it's not airborne, you can't catch it.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're not even blinking.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are uncancelable.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: I rarely talk about being on my period because I'm embarrassed by it, bro.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I can loudly ask for cocaine, but I have to whisper for a pad.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And whispering for a pat is not cute.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is the sign.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, you have something I'd put my panties.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: You got a dopper that would cover my ass crack.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm a liberal.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'll free bleed.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: The bush will catch most of it.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, don't owe me.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: You got a hairy ass bag.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: My mom, like, moms like hype up periods too.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's so weird.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you get your period, you go in the bathroom, all of a sudden you're bleeding.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: My mom comes in and she's like, do you want to get Chinese food?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why are you offering me my last meal?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think the worst part about periods are dogs, bro.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're the first ones to rat you out.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Man's best friend hates women! You go to a party, you're trying to be chill, you know?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And here's that dog right up there.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: This is the one, mom! She's rare.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you were adopted, you little shit.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're not even full-breed golden doodle.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: They force the papers.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I prefer cats, okay?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I love cat.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, ma'am.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Love cats.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I love the way they love.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, do I love you?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do I not?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna pee in your shoe.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, dad?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: You're both hairy and can't aim, papa?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: You've come back.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: But this cat that I have, bro, he's weird.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, he loves to watch me have sex.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: He's so fat, never moves until I'm about to go boink, and then he's like, I wanna see.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Let me in.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: We have to bar the door.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: He's got his paw under there.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Just looking for a nipple or a ball sack, you know?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Both the color of Atlantic salmon, so he feels like he's in the wild.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just two whites in there thrashing around.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually we let him in.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, get your ass in here.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: He comes in like a little hype man.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: He puts his little paw on my boyfriend's back.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, keep going, dad.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: If we get through this, we can both have wet food.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I love my boyfriend.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Are we any singles in here?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Someone goes, mmm.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm single, but I looked around and I'm not, you know?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not here, not tonight.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I love singles.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a good matchmaker.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: My parents got together because of me.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I am with someone though, and unfortunately, he's attractive, and that was a mistake.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta date ugly, alright?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: You really do.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Ugly people roll with the punches.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: My boyfriend woke up one morning and was like, great news, we just want a raffle to climb a mountain in California.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, sounds like we lost a raffle, my guy.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: You got a mouse in your pocket?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Who the fuck is we?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: He's the kind of hot where girls will pretend that we're not together just so they can have a chance, right?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like we'll be at a grocery store, we'll have a cart full of groceries.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this girl will be like, oh my god.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Are you gonna eat all that by yourself?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: My nipples are hard.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: I like to play along.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, the double stuff Dorios are mine.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, oh my god, you take care of your sister?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: My name's Amber Acher.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: You guys have been dope.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.