Latest / Just Heal with Dr Jay / Why Mentorship Matters More Than Ever with Drew Davis

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Why Mentorship Matters More Than Ever with Drew Davis · Just Heal with Dr Jay

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Jess Hill with Doctor J, a production of
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Hello, I'm doctor J.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Barnett and this week I'm sitting down with my men team,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Drew Davis, and we're talking about all things mentoring, just
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: life and just having great conversation. Two then Jess Hill
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: with Doctor J. And you got me jumping in the
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: time machine.
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  Speaker 2: Now we'll go back to it was I think either
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: the Trust or the NFLPA put on like a health
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: wellness seminar, just a little webinar.
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  Speaker 1: I think this was maybe either right before COVID or
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  Speaker 1: right after. So yeah, I think it was right after. Yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: So I just hopped on there. Maybe maybe twenty thirty
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  Speaker 1: people there, maybe got a lot of people had their
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  Speaker 1: videos on. I see them.
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, you know, I want to I want
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  Speaker 2: to be in psychology. I want to be on that
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: realm of things. We got a therapist in here talking
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: some mental health stuff who dude used to play. Talked
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: about heavy, heavy stuff, suicide stuff. To get going, You're like,
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  Speaker 2: and so I just I think I shot him a message,
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: he shot me a message. We switch numbers and the
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  Speaker 2: person that you see that shows up on camera. Is
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  Speaker 2: that person, you know what I mean? So one thing
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  Speaker 2: I preach about is friendship and fellowship. And so anytime
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  Speaker 2: you're in town, whether we just go get something really
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  Speaker 2: quick or you know, just a phone called five am,
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  Speaker 2: phone call here there because we're both up early, just
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  Speaker 2: that person pouring into you, the same person he is
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  Speaker 2: is who I try to beat everybody I touch.
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  Speaker 1: And that's just pouring into people. And I felt you
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  Speaker 1: one hundred percent where you like my solo dates is
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  Speaker 1: for me, for quiet for one hundred percent.
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  Speaker 2: So but just just a great dude and somebody you
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  Speaker 2: look at like man in five seven years, I hope
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  Speaker 2: I'm where he's at in some capacity for anything and
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  Speaker 2: everything I'm doing.
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  Speaker 1: So that's how we get started. Man, my brother, I
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: appreciate you. Man, that's humbling, and you make him feel
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  Speaker 1: old man and not not like old. But you know
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  Speaker 1: it's like you know, because obviously you know, Drew called
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: me og, which I gladly accept. Like all of the
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  Speaker 1: guys I mentor like they call me og. I love it,
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  Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Because again, to get to
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  Speaker 1: OG status, you're still here, like none of that stuff's
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  Speaker 1: like fixed me. Like you know what I'm saying because
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  Speaker 1: I remember calling other dudes ogs, and so now to
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  Speaker 1: be at an og status, I was like, oh man,
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: it's like, you know what what I do for Drew
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: and what I've do for all those all those guys
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  Speaker 1: man that I mentor man. For one, it's given them
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: the insight on how to navigate life, the insight on
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: how to navigate what's coming, the insight on how to
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  Speaker 1: discern the challenge for most young guys is that they
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: have no wisdom. For one, because they haven't lived long
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: enough obviously, but they typically don't have insight. And some
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  Speaker 1: of them, I have a lot of knowledge, but it
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  Speaker 1: can't be wisdom because how much of how much of
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: that knowledge has been applied to know what works? Author
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: See Brooks talks about fluid knowledge and crystallized knowledge. You know,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: fluid knowledge is always moving. The fluidity of what you
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: learn that crystallize. It's like fluid is like what gen
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Z's have, It's like what they get from Google, It's
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  Speaker 1: what they get from AI. Crystallized is like I've lived it.
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  Speaker 1: I'm telling you it's going to do this. I'm telling you,
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  Speaker 1: if you stay the course, it's going to render that
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  Speaker 1: that's wisdom, and so it's important for me to give
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: that back to them because it's given to me. I
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  Speaker 1: tell people, you know, I was discovered first by Alfred
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  Speaker 1: Emon Jr. And Black Enterprize in twenty fifteen. I had
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: a mentor, Sheldon. Can't I forget Sheldon last name and
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: Sheldon Mercer. Come on, memory, come on, Sheldon Mercer. Sheldon
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  Speaker 1: Mercer was mentoring me. And Sheldon Mercer was a tough
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  Speaker 1: mentor because he would send you long papers, drew of
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  Speaker 1: questions and you couldn't just be like, oh, I want
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  Speaker 1: to do this. He asking you why. I'll never forget
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  Speaker 1: Sheldon says. I said. Sheldon said, well, I hear you
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  Speaker 1: want to be a speaker, and I was like, yeah, man,
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  Speaker 1: I want to talk about this. I want to share
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  Speaker 1: my story. He's like, what kind of speaker do you think?
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  Speaker 1: I said, Oh, I kind of feel like I got
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  Speaker 1: the paper today. I said, I think I'm more like
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  Speaker 1: Bishop Jakes. He's like, what he said, man, get out
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  Speaker 1: of here. I said, yeah, I just felt that. But
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  Speaker 1: Sheldon was a guy that was challenging me. Don't just
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  Speaker 1: say you're like Bishop Jakes right down? Why you think that?
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Because I got to pull that out of you so
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  Speaker 1: you have an understanding of what you're aiming for, so
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  Speaker 1: now you can comprehend what it's gonna require of you.
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  Speaker 1: Because too many times we are aiming for things that
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  Speaker 1: we haven't really studied what it's gonna cost. And so
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  Speaker 1: Sheldon I fell out. Man. It was about like five
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: papers and he was like fill it up and I
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: had to write it out. He was a pin guy
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  Speaker 1: pinned and then had had me meld it to him.
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  Speaker 1: Oh so this is like real mentorship. So get to
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  Speaker 1: a point where Sheldon says, Dude, this was a setup. Dude,
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  Speaker 1: like it was God, but it was also knowing that
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  Speaker 1: it was a man who was mentoring me who also
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  Speaker 1: wanted to see how I would respond. So Sheldon calls
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  Speaker 1: me Drew. He was like, Yo, Black Enterprise got this
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  Speaker 1: conference up in Columbus and at the time it used
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: to be the Business and Leadership Conference, I think, And
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: so he was like, I want you to go up there.
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  Speaker 1: He said, I want you to meet this guy named
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  Speaker 1: Alfred Edmund Junior. He said I want you to research
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: him and study. So I started research studying. He was
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: known for wearing bow ties. I was like all right.
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  Speaker 1: So Sheldon says yeah. So he's like, I want you
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  Speaker 1: to He said, I'm not passing you on to him,
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  Speaker 1: but I am introducing you to him because it maybe
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  Speaker 1: a person that you know could benefit you. So he
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  Speaker 1: was like, all you got to do is pay your
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: way to get to the conference. To fly right, like
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  Speaker 1: thirty four. So he said pay your way. Never been
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  Speaker 1: to Columbus or High. He said you got to pay
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: your way to get to the conference. And I said, okay, cool.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: You know, pay obviously for your hotel. And he was like,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: they're gonna comp your conference ticket. I said, okay, cool.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: So he said I'll meet you there, Bro. I by
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: the flight, fly up there, CJ, get to the conference.
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  Speaker 1: Shell then call and says, hey, I'm not gonna be
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  Speaker 1: able to make it. Man, I fit, bro, what is happening?
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  Speaker 1: So now I either got a sink or swim. So
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  Speaker 1: I had a picture of Afford what he looked like
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: because I've been studying them ever since. He told it's
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  Speaker 1: a three day conference. Every day I tried to get
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: to this guy, couldn't get to him because Alfred is
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  Speaker 1: like senior senior writer VP of Black Enterprise People was
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: all around him the last day. He tells his story too,
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  Speaker 1: because I need to bring him on the podcast too.
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  Speaker 1: He tells his story, bro so funny. I see him
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  Speaker 1: going up the escalator. Dude, I like, turn around, go
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: down and I said miss I said miss Afford. I said, man, conscious,
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  Speaker 1: get a few minutes of your time. And so he
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: said what do you want? So I said, man, this
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  Speaker 1: is my book. This is my first book, jew finding out,
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  Speaker 1: I find out I lost Kings and Queen. He said,
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  Speaker 1: give me your book and he said, what do you
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  Speaker 1: want me to do with this? At the time, I
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: was like, man, I want to be on Open. That
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: man looked at me. He said what I said? Man?
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  Speaker 1: I said, I got a powerful story. I got a
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  Speaker 1: powerful story. Man sue that man.
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  Speaker 3: Looking at me like nigga please, he said. He said,
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  Speaker 3: you want to be on Oprah.
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  Speaker 1: It's true. And then he follow up, he said, all right, man,
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  Speaker 1: get serious. What do you want? No live? He said,
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  Speaker 1: what do you want? I said, man, I got a
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  Speaker 1: powerful story. This is my book. And I was like, man,
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  Speaker 1: I'm just like Sheldon told me. I need to mess.
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  Speaker 1: He's like, all right, I'm look your kid. He said,
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  Speaker 1: I got one rule. Whatever I do for you. You
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  Speaker 1: do for the next man. He said, whatever doors I'll
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  Speaker 1: open for you, you open for the next man. I said, yes, sir,
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  Speaker 1: so apply h jude. That man killed my drink. That
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  Speaker 1: man said, come on, man, get serious, bro, but listen.
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  Speaker 1: But recently he called you boy, he said, you ready
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  Speaker 1: for open Now that's good? Oh my gosh, Bro, when
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  Speaker 1: I tell you man, So, I didn't hear from that
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  Speaker 1: dude for four months. He said, here's how mentorshure work.
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  Speaker 1: You pursue me, I don't pursue you. He was like,
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  Speaker 1: you pursue me, I don't pursue you. And he said,
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  Speaker 1: you don't need what I have, you need what I know.
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  Speaker 1: And remember that. And so after the four months, here
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  Speaker 1: come a post on Facebook. He posted my book, just
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  Speaker 1: read this phenomenal book about this young man, Jay Barnett,
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  Speaker 1: talking about teens mental health. Da dah. I was so shocked.
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  Speaker 1: Then at the time, this is when Black Enterprise still
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: had digital and then they still had print. So somebody
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  Speaker 1: caught this picture of me and him talking and it
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  Speaker 1: says Alfred Edmund takes on New Mintee up and Coming
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  Speaker 1: versus Jay Barnett. Bro. I was like, just in the
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  Speaker 1: corner and it was me and two other people. The
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  Speaker 1: other girl I still talked to her. He took three
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  Speaker 1: of us under his wing. The other girl, I just
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: talked to her a few months ago. She was the
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: first black woman to get her own pattern for natural
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: hair products. Yeah, and they were talking about in the
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  Speaker 1: article how he selected us, but we didn't even know
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  Speaker 1: we were being selected, but were just those ones that pursued him.
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  Speaker 1: And he said, I said, I couldn't leave here without
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  Speaker 1: saying something to you. And it was the very last
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  Speaker 1: day that I got a chance to talk to him.
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  Speaker 1: And after that, a few years later, Black Enterprise select
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: to me of their first initial campaign of the b
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Modern Man Initiative, which is where you got Chris Chris Classic,
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  Speaker 1: the guy who went viral when H and M put
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: the the monkey on the kid, Chris Classic change the
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  Speaker 1: assemble on and put a crown on his head and
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: he went viral. Which now, he asked, so far fashion fragrance? Uh,
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  Speaker 1: there was so many black men, what's the black guy
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: that has to show over it? In the UK? He
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: used to be over here. It's like a podcast name,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: but he used to be with Oprah. But it was
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: about several of us right that Black Enterprise chose and
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: they saw something in us. And a few years later
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  Speaker 1: Alfred rode forward to Hello King, and Hello King went
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  Speaker 1: on to do well and twenty nineteen I was honored
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  Speaker 1: with the B. Martyn Man of the Year Award by
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  Speaker 1: Black Enterprise. Here's what mentorship did for me. It showed
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  Speaker 1: me the possibilities of what I was trying to understand.
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  Speaker 1: Because sometime, as a man, you're trying to get to
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  Speaker 1: a place, but you just don't know how to get there.
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  Speaker 1: So true mentorship is a compass. So when you called
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  Speaker 1: me sometime I don't always answer, but then when I
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  Speaker 1: get the opportunity, I'll stop. And for that thirty that
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  Speaker 1: mentorship with Aford was like in thirty minute increments. Now
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  Speaker 1: now that I'm at this level, it's like hours because
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  Speaker 1: you start to evolve to meet your mentor your mentor
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  Speaker 1: eye level, and then God sends you somebody else to
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  Speaker 1: take you to the next level, which is now Bishop James.
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  Speaker 1: I don't talk to Atfort as much as I do,
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  Speaker 1: but when we talk there's so much to where I
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  Speaker 1: meet him, where he's at, because now I see it,
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: because you can't have conversations with people if we're not
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: flying at the same level. The only way to truly
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  Speaker 1: understand the way that egos are able to soar it
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  Speaker 1: you got to become an ego. Now you may be
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: a bird, but you can't fly like that. You can't
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: soar like that. So it's the only way that you
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  Speaker 1: understand the experience is you have to become that. And
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  Speaker 1: the only way that you understand what you need as
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  Speaker 1: a mentee, I gotta be a mentee first. Too many
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  Speaker 1: people are trying to be mentors and they don't trying
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  Speaker 1: to bypass be a mentee. Jesus said, I came to serve,
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  Speaker 1: not be served. So mentorship from the mentor to the
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  Speaker 1: mentee is all servanthood. So that's why when Juwe calls,
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: because I've been where he's at. Navigating after football, and
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: so it's so important because after ball and Juwe you
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: could talk to this, talk about this is that you're
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  Speaker 1: also navigating from a place where no one has a blueprint,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: because everybody's going on a different journey, and leaving a
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  Speaker 1: game means something different for everybody. For some people it's
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: the end of a career. For some people, it's the
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: end of a life. For some people, it's the end
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: of their identity. For some people, it's the end of
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: their athletic ability because they'll never play again. For some people,
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  Speaker 1: it's the end of everything that I thought I wanted.
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  Speaker 1: And so now I got to figure out how to
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: want something else, or matter of fact, that wants something different.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: I got something along to say. It's going to be
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: a lot.
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  Speaker 2: You've talked about mentorship. What you're doing in yours with
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: you're doing for me what somebody did for you. You see,
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: you saw yourself where I'm at now, and you talk
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: about pursuing your mentor. I had them placed in my
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: life very early, to the point where I was spoiled.
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  Speaker 2: I tell everybody this, it was had two football coaches
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: and had my ninth grade English literature teacher, mister Jefferson.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: So I got mister Jefferson, got Pelika Houston, got Kevin Drayton,
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  Speaker 2: two football coaches, one teacher saw something special to me
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: early early on to the point where I look at
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: all of them like their big brothers, but like and
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: so the reason why I'm out and I'm so comfortable
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: now to do that is I'm like, yo, if I
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: see something that somebody's doing and I want to do
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: something similar, like it would behoove me not to pursue them.
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: And I say that to say because my coaches when
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: I was younger, they knew I wanted to play football,
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: but they.
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  Speaker 1: Challenged me in all these other areas too.
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  Speaker 2: They're like, all right, cool, and I had a four
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: point one heighths school and everything like that, but they're like,
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: all right, has your dating life?
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: All right? Hey, this is what you should be looking for.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: You have anybody that's popping up like that, Okay, send
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: me a picture, you know what I mean, Like where
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: you're like, yo, this person's taking interest in me in
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: multiple spaces, and like now it's culminating everything. And so
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: as you're talking, as you're saying, I'm like for me,
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: now as I get connected, I'm connected with you like
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: I'm looking for young people had the do it I
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: bumped into and like the Norse's bathroom. I was like,
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: I don't know, there's something about that, dude. I say, hey,
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: here's my contact information, give me a call sometime like
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: and you say, O g before and now I got
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: people calling me big bro. So I'm like I don't
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: want it, but yo, you big bro.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: But like, and I'm like, oh, I thought we was
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: on the same level when we talk about levels and
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: stuff like.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: That, but you're at a different level because of this.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, so you big bro. Yeah, i'mbody with dam
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: I'm good with Uncle Drew.
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: But it's like consistent now. It used to be just
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: spotty and now it's well, let's let's let's look at this, Drew.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: That's how you present yourself. When we first started working,
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: I said, what do you do? You're like, man, I
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: mentored our coach and I work with athletes, and all
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: you were doing is that you were calling yourself what
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: you was coming.
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  Speaker 1: And now you have become It's not strange that that
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: is what you see and that is what you're starting experience,
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  Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, because now it's like, you know,
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  Speaker 1: I used to say, Man, I would never say I
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: was a motivational speaker. I would never say that. I
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: often said I was a speaker because I wanted to
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: be able to go into different realms, I mean, different rooms,
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: because I knew what I had was beyond motivation. And
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: you have to see a thing before it becomes a thing.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: And sometime with us as men, I think the challenge
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: for us. We don't see anything, so it's hard to
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: becoming And you know this, You got to see that
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: play before it's rain. You gotta see that play here.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: You gotta what coase at take what mental reps. You
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: gotta take mental reps. You gotta visualize yourself making that catch.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: You gotta visualize yourself making that tackle. You have to
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: visualize yourself becoming better. You have to visualize yourself driving
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: into the neighborhood. That is real. You have to see
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: it driving into the neighborhood. You gotta see yourself driving
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: to the neighborhood. I see that now, bro. Like you
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: gotta see yourself walking into the yard. Bro. Before I
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: went to the like, Bro, I literally saw myself at
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: the part OF's house speaking like a couple of years ago,
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: Like it was about three or four years ago. I
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: was just sitting there once sudden and I just saw it.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: I just saw it. I just saw it. So when
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: they got the call to teach Bible class, it wasn't strange.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I saw this because here's the other part
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: about that, right, is this brain has an interesting way
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: of presenting you different pictures. And it's like whatever you
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: choose or whatever you put hands to, that's what reveals itself.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: And so many people don't realize is that what they
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: have is what they see. If you don't see better,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: you can't have you. You can't get better. I'll lay
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: down at night, man, I'm telling you, bro, Like God,
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: I can see myself doing all these different things. How
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: do you do that? With Drew? You knew your applausibilities
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: and all that stuff.
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: Did you see yourself going to the league or just
• 21:02
  Speaker 4: you just knew your were because of your trapper? Like
• 21:05
  Speaker 4: what are you saying? Conversating in your face right now?
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: It's talking and I'm really see yourself in that neighborhood.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I definitely did that, and it's different.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: It's one thing where you know you got the talent,
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: but it's another thing where you know you got the
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: hard work to go with it.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: And I'm and I'm gonna tell you where you're at now.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: You got to see it and there's no evidence of it. See,
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: it's easy to see the league because you've got the
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: ability for somebody says, see yourself driving your neighborhood. You
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: like count don reflects that, see the business. I don't know,
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: big dollar like things are tight right now, Like you
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: have to see it. Bishop Jakes tell me all the time.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: You gotta see it, Like he tells me that. He said,
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: like like if I'm speaking about something, he was like,
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: see that text come alive, see the characters interacting, see
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: the story unfolding. And how you see it is you
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: imagine what you wanted to be. Here's what happened to
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: us as adults. Life happens, and we stopped using our imagination.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, stop dreaming. We stopped dreaming. And when you
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: stop dreaming, you stop seeing. What is a dream? It's pictures,
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: pictures of the subconscious. Pictures are something that you read,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: pictures of something that you saw, the last thing that
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: you watch. This is why I tell guys all the time.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: This right here determines everything. That's why like something. This
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: is why, bro, I'm gonna kid. I kid you not
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: out of dating a girl that was cool, but she
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: lived in a horrible neighborhood. I can't see that every day.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: And I told her, I said, how did you function
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: driving into that every day? Because if that's what you're seeing,
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: guess what's programming you? And it's programming you through the pictures.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: That it gives you. This is why, like you go
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: back to the South, like I go back to Mississippi,
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: there's no progression because you don't see progression. So it's
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: it's it's it's not foreign to think that, Wow, nobody's
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: doing any better. You don't see it better. You don't
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: see uh.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Okay, we put it on the We put it at
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: that young age group because that's a young age group
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: I'm working with, and we talked. We had the conversation
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: right here, and that's why it's gonna be super complex.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: But I'm gonna I'm gonna be be lining to you.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: You know, there's an inverse right now with Hey, I'm young,
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: but I want to date, but the girls like you
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: ain't got no money, I can't date you. And then
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: so it's an inverse dating relationship like that. When it
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: comes to prices, men don't know what they should be
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: paying for. Men don't know what a lot is upon
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: all these other dreams social media. If these young men,
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: if they can't find that, what do they need to do?
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Focus on becoming I like bro, I said this, I'm
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: forty four. I No woman's never asked me pay a
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: three hundred dollars a day. Never, never, and with humility,
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: I have it, but I've never and I've never felt
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: pressure to. I think you only feel the pressure if
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: you insert yourself into the conversation and you insert yourself
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: into the culture of that. Yeah, and I've dated some
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: like I dated a girl who gave me five thousand
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: dollars who literally said, my ex she planted a seat.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: She told me, she said, you're gonna be so big one.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: I need to plant a seed into your ground because
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: you're good ground. Zell me five grand I was shocked.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: Not shocked because I'm not good ground, but I was
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: shocked because I know I'm good ground. I was shocked, Like, wow,
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: you believe that much in me? Yeah, like you believe
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: that much in me? Like she she She would often
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: tell me that she would be like, Jay, I see it,
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: and she saw it. Who I am right now? She
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: saw it. And I hate that we not together because
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: I like we It's like, yeah, it was. It was
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: a lot going on in that situation, but uh, but
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: amazing person she saw it. And I think these guys
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: have to focus on becoming because if you don't, you'll
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: find yourself on the outside looking in. While they're still
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: trying to find men to live up to these expectations
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: of paying for a dinner, paying man. Go to Chipotle, brother,
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: find somebody that's on your level. And when I say
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: on your level, I'm not talking about financial. Where are
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: you at. Find somebody that says, hey, I'm on a journey.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: And it's funny you say this. You because we just
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: left shipping Bird c J and I talking to a group.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: I set around in a round table talk and talk
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: to like several young men and that they're all battling
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: the pressure of these expectations from women and dating. I said, brother,
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: y'all are in college. Nobody has money in college. Yeah,
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: Like I mean it's like again, like everybody's not getting
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: nil money. Like when I was in college, I was
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: on full scholarship. Like I literally remember bro going to
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: the SDC is what we called it, Student Development Center
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: and hanging out with a girl. They had Taco Bell,
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: Chick fil A, and some other place that had burgers
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: and fries, and then I can't remember other plate we
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: went sat in the SDC. Man, we was chilling. And
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: here's the other part. You know, somebody got their pel
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: grant is y'all went the Chilis. You know they got
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: their peel grant after y'all went the Chilis. I remember
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: taking the girl the chili. She ran track, I don't
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: call the naggage you married. I ain't gonna do it
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: like that. But we went the Chilis. Bro we had
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: the two for twenty and we had the molten chocolate
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: cake and I had They used to have this dessert
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: with like a brownie, like an ice cream, like caramel,
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: and like we sat there laughing, chill man, and she
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: was so grateful because she was like, man, like, this
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: was really good. Like because we were also in a
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: college town that didn't have a lot of major restaurants
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: at the time, so we weren't really tripping. We weren't
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: really tripping like like we would be like, Yo, man,
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: we're gonna go go grab a couple double cheeseburgers. Man,
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying back then, And so I
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: would say to those men, and that is what has
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: kept me as a single man. Bro. My mom I
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: was literally just talking this morning and I was telling
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: her about this girl to day, and my Mama She's like,
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: was you giving that girl money? I said, baby, you
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: know me better than that. You know me better than that.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: And here's the other part. I'm not a stingy man either.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: I'll catch flights. I'll put you on a flight, I
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: don't mind. But I've never had that because I showed
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: up as me. I wasn't showing up with my wallet,
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: I wasn't showing up with my title. And I think
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: for these guys, man focused on being the best version
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: of yourself. Get out of this dating pool. Allow yourself
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: to be developed psychologically, emotionally, and mentally, and then you'll
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: meet somebody when you're growing to, not going growing, where
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: are you growing to? But if you get locked in
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: and get get get focused on, man, she want this.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: I'm not buying no bag, bro, I'm not giving like
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: I'm not like it is asinine. I buy flowers. I
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: love to get flowers. Not everybody. I dated a girl
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: who didn't love flowers. But here's the thing, though, what
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: I'm learning from a lot of these women, and this
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: is and also guys like get to know real women
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: first of all, because there's a lot of women in
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: my circle group that I know that are like successful
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: and these women are chill, They are like and they
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: got bread, and they not really tripping off of that.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: They really just want somebody who is honest, somebody who
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: is committed, somebody who uh is progressively evolving that it's
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: becoming like and this whole coffee date thing, bro, I
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: cannot tell you the amount of coffee dates I've gone on,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: like like since my thirties that like nobody never said, hey,
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: this is low level. I've never I've never had that
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: experience because because because I would have these experiences with
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: women where I had great conversations and you got a
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: good test of character, like you were like yeah, and
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: then too, It's like but then they also could tell
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: by the way I moved. They're like, yo, this dude,
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: like he can do all these other things. But like
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: we would sit there and have coffee, man, and like
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: just laugh and then like the next time I'd be like, man,
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: you won't go go get something to eat, and like
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: we go go go to a spot, and it was
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: never Because here's the other part, brothers. Becoming allows you
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: to be so rooted in you, and that gives you confidence.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: A lot of these young men don't have confidence, and
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: so what happened is the lack of confidence shows up
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: in the absence of money. Baby, I can be broke
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: and I'm still him. Do you hear me, because I'm
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: gonna tell you why. This all my prayer to God
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: every day Jewish God, keep my mind, because if you
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: got this, you can get back with your loss. If
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: you got this, you can think your way out of it.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: You can think your way clear, you can think your
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: way to the next level. This is why having this
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: is why you hear the old folks say, he wrote,
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: he raised me up in my right mind. He closed
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: me my Your mind is everything. And if you got this,
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: think about it. Everything in this studio right now came
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: from this. Somebody said, our voice needs to be projected
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: and need to be amplified. So somebody thought about a microphone.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: We need to have somewhere to sit, but it needs
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: to have some cushion, needs to be comfortable, needs to
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: be esthetically pleasing. Let's make this little cheer and give
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: it a little pop color. This This is why I
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: want men focus on becoming. Nobody can't make me feel
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: bad about where I'm at. I never get broke when again,
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: I got so many story I never get man going
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: on a date with this girl and her car was nice.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: When she showed up, I was like, oh maybe nice.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: My car was like you knows all right? And because
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: again I was coming out of ball, so I ain't
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: got no money. I was a free agent. And then
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: I went to the rainer and they even paying no money.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: It was like forty thousand the season. Didn't have no money.
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: It was like and I never get and she had
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: like a Lexus and I had a money car, and
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: like I would show up like you know what I'm saying.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: I didn't think about what I didn't have, because you know,
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: we was talking one day, I said, I won't always
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: be here. See when you start seeing life differently, man,
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: see so many guys don't see better Like I can
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: tell you right now where I'm at today, I will
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: not be here next year. I won't like And when
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: you start seeing that, you don't allow your current state
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: to dictate how you show up. And this would be
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: that's what we get these guys. And so what happened
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: is I see Drew on online, Drew got two chains
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: and watch like I'm happy for the good brother. I'm
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: not competing with an NBA player, a basketball player. I'm
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: not competing like I'm okay with where I'm at, with
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: what God is. I'm not competing with nobody. I like
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: my Audi, I like my Challenger. I like my old
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: school classic car. I like my Mercedes. I got four cars,
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: and I'm at peace. If you pull up in the
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: in the Phantom right now, I'm finna be like the
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: Nigga boy, I love it. I don't feel no way
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: because you're in the Fantom and I'm driving the Audi.
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: I bought the Audi. I liked it. And guess what,
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: we can go to the same restaurant. You pull up
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: in the Eydy, I'll pull up in the I mean
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: I pull up in an Addie and you pull up
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: in the Fantom and we get out. And that's some women.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna feel less standing. See, that's these guys problem.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: Get greed and so now your comparison has not only
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: turned to envy. If you're not careful, it turns to jealousy.
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: And if that's not controlled, you'll take somebody's life over
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: that stuff. Dealistic thing from insecurity from an insecurity old brothers,
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: get kid, settle in you and be calm. And here's
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: the other part to becoming I want to talk about God.
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: I don't want to say quickly, don't be calm for
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: the sake of them. I became for me and Drew.
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: It had nothing to do with them. It had everything
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: to do with what God told me I could become
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: if I just healed. If you let go of this
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: unforgiveness with your dad, I'll take you places football could
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: it never taken. Thank you so much for tuning in
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: to Just Here with Doctor J. It is always a
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: great opportunity to connect, to share, and to discuss all
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: things healing, mental health, wellness, and how do we move
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: from surviving into thriving, because that's what it's about when
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: it comes to our mental health, is to move us
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: into a place of thriving until next time. Remember, healing
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: is a journey and wholeness is the destination. Just Here
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: with Doctor J a production of the Black Effect podcast Network.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows, and you
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: can follow me at King J. Barnett on Instagram and
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: x and follow us on YouTube. Just Here, Doctor J.