Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #236 Sleepovers

Transcript

#236 Sleepovers · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, sleepovers are these formative experiences. They're these things that
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  Speaker 2: you just remember for your entire life.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello. This is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of six
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: books about raising happy families. And I'm here with Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: my wife and podcast partner, mum to our six daughters,
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: and we're excited to talk to you about a really
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: tricky topic because Easter is just around the corner. That
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  Speaker 2: means school holidays and school holidays, memes, sleepovers, which is
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  Speaker 2: awesome and are terrifying all at once.
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  Speaker 3: So look, some of my best memories were memories that
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: I had with sleepovers.
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  Speaker 2: Same but I also got into trouble on sleepovers as well, and.
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  Speaker 3: I also felt ostracized, left out and alone, and you know,
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  Speaker 3: kind of just completely on the outer.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that did too many neody runs sleepovers. I'm sorry.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: I don't know what it is about boys and sleepovers,
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: but just an opportunity to go skinny dipping or take
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: your clothes off and run around their shopping center car
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  Speaker 2: park while you're skateboarding and get paid five bucks. Boy,
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  Speaker 2: your friends. We had one sleepover one night. I can't
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: believe that I just shared that we had one sleepover
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  Speaker 2: one night where I went into the cupboard and my
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: parents had this big walk in pantry. It was an
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  Speaker 2: oversized pantry and my mum always bought stuff in bulk.
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  Speaker 2: There was a two lee that's chocolate topping for ice cream,
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  Speaker 2: and one of my friends, Aaron. I don't know if
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: Aaron Turner actually listens to this podcast or not, but
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  Speaker 2: I'm putting you in at redg Aaron walked into the
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  Speaker 2: pantry and said, what do you need all that chocolate
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  Speaker 2: topping for? And we started talking about how much ice
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  Speaker 2: cream we obviously ate and one of the guys we
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  Speaker 2: had about four or five of us sleeping over that night,
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  Speaker 2: and one of the guys says, I bet you can't
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  Speaker 2: drink it, Aaron, and we all bet him five dollars each.
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  Speaker 2: I think he was going to score twenty dollars if
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  Speaker 2: he could drink two leaders of chocolate topping, and he
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  Speaker 2: picked it up off the shelf, took the lid off
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  Speaker 2: and started to drink pure chocolate topping. Got my stomach.
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  Speaker 4: This churning.
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  Speaker 2: He drank more than a leader of Oh my gosh.
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  Speaker 2: Then and then he burped, and the whole room just
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  Speaker 2: smelt like these are the memories of childhood, like this
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  Speaker 2: is this is great stuff. Why wouldn't you want your
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: kids to have sleepovers? Honestly, what's your best memory?
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: I can't even top those? Honestly, Nody runs. Seriously, us
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  Speaker 3: girls clearly were not as adventurous as as you boys
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: were because there were no Nody runs and there were
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: definitely no eating competitions like that. I do remember once
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: I may have been peanut buttered all over my face.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Oh that's gross, because.
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  Speaker 4: I happened to be the first one to fall asleep.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: That yeah, cruelty, that's horrible. And the worst thing about
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  Speaker 2: having peanut butter on your face is number one, it's
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  Speaker 2: gonna be all greasy, and number two, you're not gonna
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  Speaker 2: be able to get rid of the smell. Like your
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: face would have smelled like peanut butter for days. I reckon, yeah, and.
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  Speaker 4: It was crunchy peanut butter. It didn't go on very nice.
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  Speaker 2: Right. So do you have any other, I don't know,
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  Speaker 2: over the top stories from sleepovers or were they fairly sedate,
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  Speaker 2: and like you said, you just had to make sure
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  Speaker 2: that everyone didn't stay up too late or say anything
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  Speaker 2: nasty to each other.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think you know the main ones that I remember,
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  Speaker 3: just a group of girls and we just truth and
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  Speaker 3: dare We used to play that affair bit.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah bottle, yeah right, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, But this
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  Speaker 2: is what I'm talking about. From I don't know, let's say,
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: from the age of ten or eleven, maybe twelve, you
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: start to have these experiences with your friends at sleepovers
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  Speaker 2: where you would not do any of that. And I
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  Speaker 2: think this is why parents are worried, right, because when
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: you have a sleepover, you've got the big issues. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: so there's safety of your child, just keeping them protected,
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  Speaker 2: and there's the concerns about pornography. I can't tell you
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  Speaker 2: how many parents have come to me and said, my
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: eleven year old was exposed to pornography to sleepover. Sometimes
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  Speaker 2: it's the big brother coming into the room. Sometimes it's
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: just the kids looking up rude words on their iPads
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: or something like that. But the other just the regular
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: stuff you've got. You've got kids staying up really late,
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  Speaker 2: which means that their willpower is low. They start to
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: talk about things that they would never normally talk about
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: during the daytime. But they're tired now and they're feeling
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  Speaker 2: close and intimate, and they start sharing well.
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  Speaker 4: And usually the lights are out by the time you start.
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  Speaker 4: Do you know what I mean?
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  Speaker 3: You're not staring at each other face to face, and
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  Speaker 3: so you're a lot more comfortable sharing things when you
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: don't think that anybody can see you.
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  Speaker 2: Everyone's exhausted, everyone's sugared up, and then the friendship dramas happen.
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  Speaker 2: It's no wonder that sleepovers are such a controversial topic
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  Speaker 2: and some families just say, no, we don't do them.
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  Speaker 2: I think what we should do is talk about how
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: parents can make decisions about whether a sleepover is a
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  Speaker 2: good idea or not. Let's do that.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: Next, it's their Happy Families podcast.
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: as a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers Now.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: We had to sleep over at our place recently. Our
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: thirteen year old daughter had a bunch of friends over
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  Speaker 2: and it was heartening. Of the five kids that stayed overnight,
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  Speaker 2: I reckon four of them. Four of them had parents
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  Speaker 2: who directly contacted us and said.
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  Speaker 3: Well, in the fifth one, we actually know personally and
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: they've been in our home numerous times, so they didn't
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: need to have the same conversation.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. So every single one of these girls parents contacted us.
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  Speaker 2: Our daughter gave them our phone number and said they
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: literally said, we don't really know you. We just wanted
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: to kind of say hi and find out what the
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: plans are.
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  Speaker 3: It was just so nice to have that conversation because
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  Speaker 3: it helped me not knowing them either, it helped me
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  Speaker 3: to feel like we were in alignment as parents. We
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: were all on the same page. We wanted to make
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: sure our children were safe. And I feel a lot
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: better when my child is spending time with their child
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  Speaker 3: because they're asking the same questions that I would ask.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that whole it takes a village, so let's be
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  Speaker 2: aligned and that way, the children can't say oh yeah,
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  Speaker 2: but we're allowed to. And there they did this and
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  Speaker 2: it's just so nice. The parents were all wonderful. The
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  Speaker 2: girls had a great time. We had one parents say
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  Speaker 2: my daughter has two games of netball tomorrow, one starting
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  Speaker 2: at eight o'clock in the morning, so we'll be there
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  Speaker 2: at seven point thirty. Please promise us that they'll go
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: to bed at a reasonable hour. And we were like,
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  Speaker 2: perfect job done, and the girls knew that it was
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  Speaker 2: a big deal. Five or six thirteen year old girls
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  Speaker 2: all crashing in the living room and they know that
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  Speaker 2: they're being entrusted. They were great. They did the they
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  Speaker 2: did the makeup.
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  Speaker 3: Thing, the blind makeovers. I went down to check on
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  Speaker 3: them at ten thirty and they were all huddled in
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  Speaker 3: the on sweet downstairs, and they scared the living daylights
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  Speaker 3: out of me. They looked like pirates or something, with
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  Speaker 3: these big black eyes and red lips that didn't quite
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  Speaker 3: make their lips. And it was so nice to see
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  Speaker 3: these kids just having wholesome fun. The tea didn't go on,
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  Speaker 3: they weren't on their screens, and they were just enjoying
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  Speaker 3: each other's company. And they saw me walk down the
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  Speaker 3: stairs and they said, we know, we're just washing the
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  Speaker 3: makeup off and then we're going to bed.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sure that plenty of people listening to the podcast
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  Speaker 2: would have had experiences where concerning things have happened a sleepover.
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  Speaker 2: But we've also had this thing happen just the other
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  Speaker 2: week with our daughter, where everything was delightful. The kids
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  Speaker 2: were good to each other, they went to bed on time,
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  Speaker 2: they didn't junk up too much on sugar.
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  Speaker 4: If you know what the highlight of that sleepover was?
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  Speaker 2: Everything went nicely? No, what was it?
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  Speaker 3: It was the next morning when the girls were getting
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  Speaker 3: ready to leave, they packed up the room. They asked
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  Speaker 3: me where the vacuum cleaner was. They also got the mop.
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  Speaker 3: They mocked my child floor downstairs and made sure that
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  Speaker 3: the room was spotless before they left.
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  Speaker 2: So how do we have these success well, my children,
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  Speaker 2: it was my friend, that's the friends. How do we
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  Speaker 2: make this happen? How do parents who listened to the
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: podcast get this right? I reckon, there's a handful of
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: things that we need to run through. First off, what's
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: too young? When's the right age for a sleepover? What's
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  Speaker 2: your take as a mum?
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  Speaker 3: Look, I think every parent is going to have and
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  Speaker 3: every family is going to have their own.
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  Speaker 4: Standards on this.
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  Speaker 3: For us, definitely in high school and for our thirteen
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  Speaker 3: year old who's almost fourteen, this is the first sleepover
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  Speaker 3: she's actually had and.
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  Speaker 2: We've always had that rule. We've made a couple of
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  Speaker 2: exceptions in unusual circumstances, but our rule has been once
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  Speaker 2: you're in high school, we'll talk about sleepovers, and not
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  Speaker 2: until then.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, but it's not.
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  Speaker 3: A given that just because you're a twelve year old
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  Speaker 3: you get to have a sleepover, or that you know
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  Speaker 3: this is a really big deal.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, next thing, I would say, know the family, and
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: if you don't know the family, get to know them.
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  Speaker 2: Have a conversation, and I have the conversation awkwardly. I've
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  Speaker 2: done this a few times, and I make a deal
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  Speaker 2: about how it's awkward. I'll say to the person, it's
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: really nice to meet you. This is kind of awkward
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  Speaker 2: since we don't know each other at all. But because
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: we don't know each other, I've heard a handful of
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: horror stories about sleepovers. I'm really hoping and I'm sure
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: that everything's going to be okay, But can I just
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: ask a couple of questions just so that I can
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: have that reassurance. And I literally I will ask who's
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: going to be in the house? Are you going to
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: have any visitors? Are there any big brothers? And we
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: have a rule in our family that boys don't go
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: into girls rooms. So if they do have big brothers,
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: what can we do to help the kids be separate?
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  Speaker 2: And usually the parents will say, we're talking about a
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  Speaker 2: big brother here. He doesn't want to know about the
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: little girls and their you know, he's going to stay
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: as far away as he can because he doesn't want
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: to be near them. But I reckon, we've got to
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  Speaker 2: ask that question and be really clear about knowing who's
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: in the house, and the family that you're talking to
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  Speaker 2: then knows that you really do care.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it holds it holds everybody accountable. When
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: we ask those kinds of questions, we're letting them know
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  Speaker 3: that these little people in our lives are the most
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  Speaker 3: important things.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the most important.
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  Speaker 3: People in our world, and we're going to do everything
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  Speaker 3: we can to keep them safe. And if that means
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: we've got to have a really awkward conversation, then we're
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: willing to, you know, kind of take one for the team.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: So talking to the other family there isn't always going
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: to be enough. And I think that what we absolutely
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: have to do is talk to our own child and
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: just go over a few ground rules. What are your
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: top three ground rules when our kids have a sleepover
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  Speaker 2: at someone else's.
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  Speaker 3: We have some guiding principles in our home that we
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: talk to our kids about regularly, and one of the
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: things that we remind them before they walk out the
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  Speaker 3: door every day is to just remember those principles. They
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: help to govern the choices that they make. So that
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: would be my first one reminding them.
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  Speaker 2: Of reminding of our values.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, my second one would one hundred percent be giving
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: them an out. You know, sometimes it's really hard when
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: you're with your friends to say I want to go home,
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: because then you're kind of either called the baby or
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: you know, called all these names because you can't hack it,
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: you can't deal with it. And so in the past,
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: we've given our kids a code. They can just send
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: us a little X via text and we know as
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: soon as we get that message that they're not comfortable
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: being where they are, and we can give them a
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: call and just say, look, something's come up and we
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: need to come and get you.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: We got one of those text messages a few months
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: ago from one of our kids at about I feel
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: like it was about two o'clock in the morning, that's
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: what it felt like. It was probably ten o'clock at
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: night and she was forty five minutes away. She'd gone
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: with some friends to the Gold Coast. And when I
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: got that text message, I got out of bed that
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: I got in the car and drove forty five minutes
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: down the highway to get her because she was feeling
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: uncomfortable where she was. And I love that piece of advice.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: Just come up with a code word or something that
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: she can text, and then you just contact the adult
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: in the home and say, our daughter's got a bit
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: of anxiety or our son's not feeling well, and his
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: message to and ask us if we can come get him,
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: and you just go get them, no matter what the
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: time of day it is. I think that it's a
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: terrifically important thing. Anything else that would be in your
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: top three that would.
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  Speaker 4: Be my main ones? Have you got anything that I
• 11:49
  Speaker 4: haven't said?
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: So I love those two and they're things that we
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: talk about all the time. The other two that I
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: always mention when I'm dropping them off is I want
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: to make sure that they're going to be really responsible
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: around screens, and I discourage screen yous once they get
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: past about nine or ten o'clock at night. Sure if
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: you're watching a movie, that's fine. Make sure you're comfortable
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: with the movie, and then no screens after the movie
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: that keep the screens off once it gets late, because
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: willpower is low and people start looking stuff up or
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: they start texting people and they end up getting into
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: situations sometimes that are just unsafe. And the other thing
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: is bedrooms. If you're going to go into a bedroom,
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: make sure that you're not the only one in their
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: particularly if there are any males around. I hate to
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: say it, I'm a male. I don't have a problem
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: with males. Unfortunately, statistically we know that if there's going
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: to be any harm caused, males are going to be
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: the perpetrators and the vast majority in the highest proportion
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: of cases. So I just I always tell the kids
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: don't be in any bedrooms with any males, whether it's
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: the dad or whether it's all.
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: The reality is it doesn't have to be a bedroom
• 12:46
  Speaker 4: I think, you know.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: Or in any room. Yeah.
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: For us, as we've spoken with the kids, it's just
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: you're staying too you're with your friend all the time.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: So the take home message again, reinstate your values with
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: your kids before they go anywhere. Let them know that
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: they can contact you any time so that you will
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: and you will come and help them, make sure that
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: they know the rules about screens, and to the extent
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: that it's possible, discourage them from being in any kind
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: of room or situation where they're alone with somebody who
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: could be threatening to them in any way, shape or form.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: I think that's and also know the family to the
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: very best of your ability to have the conversation with
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: the parents and find out exactly what kind of entertainment
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: is on the menu for the kids that night. We
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: hope that this has been a helpful podcast for you
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: if you're in that situation and the kids are pressuring
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: you for a sleepover. If you would like more information
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: about how you can make your family happier, you can
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: find it at happy families dot com dot a you.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: We'd love it if you'd leave a rating and review
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: for the podcast. People find out about the podcast when
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: you do that, and we can make their family happier
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: and safer as well. And we appreciate the work of
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. He's the producer of the podcast.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Our executive producer is Craig Bruce. More details at Happy
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: families dot com, dot A, the