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306. Your Toughest Relationship Questions Answered (Part I) · Badass Confidence Coach | Your Personal Trainer for Your Mind

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Hey everyone, all of you badasses that are listening and watching from around the world.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening to wherever you are.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: So I just want to start off by thanking all of you for listening to the podcast and for watching it and for all the positive reviews that you all have given.
• 0:24
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• 0:26
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• 0:27
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• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: I want you to know that.
• 0:31
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• 0:36
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• 0:40
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• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Perfect.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: So we're starting with this episode today.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't know that we're going to be able to get through all of the good information I want to share with you.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: So you all can let me know if you want a part two.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: This is the topic is your toughest relationship questions.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: So you're the watcher and the listener, your toughest relationship questions answered by me.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_02: So these are questions, issues, problems that people have brought to me over decades.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_02: And it's in my professional world, in my practice, in my office, sitting with my clients, therapy clients, coaching clients.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: And it's also what I have dealt with in my own personal life, as well as what friends and family members will talk to you to me about, you know, relationship issues, issues they're having with people in their life, whether it be their personal lives or work.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: So I wanted to do an episode on this because these are common, common sort of themes that I hear about all the time.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Am I going to answer these also?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Is that how it's going to go?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: Of course I want you to participate.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Well, not that.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just wondering like an how about an unprofessional assessment of a couple questions.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: You always give it anyway.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: So we're going to start.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: I want you all to think.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: Start with a familiar situation that you have in your life.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: Someone, here's one, here's one in particular.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: Someone asks you to do something.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: Someone asks you to do something.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_02: It's a favor, maybe it's a work, maybe it's, you know, with your family, with a friend.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: And you you say, yeah, sure, I'll do it.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: But then you're driving home and you're like, why don't I say yes to that?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, how common is this?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_02: Why did I say I would do that?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: You know, why do I let this happen all the time with this person or with people in my life who ask me to do things and I say yes?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: And now I've been driving home and I'm completely irritated about it.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: That's a really, really common one.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_02: It's a little bit of people pleasing.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's a little bit of a boundary issue.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I know that you all probably already know this before I even said it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_02: And we know that.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_02: We know that I'm a people pleaser, or I have people pleasing issues, or I've got, I've got boundary.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not good with boundaries.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: Or somebody says something sort of obnoxious to you.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you're at dinner with a bunch of friends and someone makes a passive aggressive comment to you and you stay silent about it.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: But once again, the whole drive home, you're completely mad, and you're like yelling at them in your head, which a lot of us do, or you're telling your partner, your spouse, you know, kind of complaining to them about, oh, this person, this or that, you know, why didn't I say something?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: They always make these comments, these little digs at me.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: They think it's funny.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just joking, you know, ha ha ha ha.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: But, you know, as I always say to my clients, the truth is often said in jest, you know, it and and I say to my clients, of course you're upset because you picked up on really was meant, you know, for you or at you, right?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: So what I love about, and I did a post on this this week on on LinkedIn and and on social media.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: What I love about this topic is that when I'm sitting in a session, a client will tell me what they're upset about.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: So they'll be, they'll tell me the whole situation, they'll tell me the whole story.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: And then I would, you know, I would say, well, what would you say to them?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: And they go right into what it is that they want to say.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_02: Like they go right into what their grievances, what they're upset about, what they're pissed off about.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: And they say it really well to the person when they're in the session with me.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_02: And I find myself saying to them, like all the tile, all the time, all the time, the word, your words came out really clear.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: Say that to them.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: Say exactly that.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_02: You did a really good job with that.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I don't know.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, no, you did a really good job with that because that what do we do?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: We start thinking about, well, but I'm I have psych, I'm here with you, Anna, because they have psychological.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: I'm here with you.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: You know, it's okay saying it'd be you.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, yeah, but you said that well.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: What are what are you worried about?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: Well, what we're worried about really is the air quote reaction we're gonna get from that.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: Thousand percent.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: We're already going to, well, they're gonna say this or they're gonna bite back at me, so to speak.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: They're gonna snap back, they're gonna clap back, and then I'm gonna, what are we worried we're gonna do?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna, we're gonna shut down, we're gonna get overwhelmed, we're not gonna say anything at all, or it's gonna turn into a big fight and then it's gonna, it's gonna go nowhere, right?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: So I think it's important for all of us to think ahead of time about what we wanna say.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like, think about the first two sentences.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's all you have to do is think about the first two sentences that you want to share or convey what it is you're thinking you're feeling with this person.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: So that's this is just a little bit of what we're gonna get into today.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: So you don't have to have the whole thing scripted in your head, like the whole first five minutes, because that's where it goes awry.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_02: Because what happens is the the five minutes that you the monologue in your head of talking to this person, it never goes that way.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_02: I want you to think about this.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: Is your first tip of this episode?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_02: The first two sentences.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, can we talk?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_02: Um, yeah, sure.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: You know, can we you what do you want to, yeah.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: When do you what do you want to talk about?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: Or when do you want to do this?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: And I think it's really hard for the receiver to say, hey, can we talk tonight?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, Well, what's what are you upset about?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_02: What let's talk right now.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: So you know you're gonna get that.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_02: So when you say that to them, to them, plan on talking right then.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: I want to talk to you about what happened at the picnic, you know, like maybe the family picnic last Sunday.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_02: You said this and it really hurt my feelings.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's all you have to say.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, and then see if they pause and then you can start to share.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: When you made that comment, I felt hurt, I felt embarrassed that blah blah blah blah blah.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so you can go on and on with it, but I don't, but you need to keep it as I statements.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: You don't say you, you this, you that you say I felt, and talk about your feelings.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: It does show vulnerability on your part, but it's a great way to start a conversation with someone when you're confronting them about something you're upset about with them, okay.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think this is pretty simple.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: It's a lot harder than you would think, Tim.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, okay.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's simple, but it's hard for me.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Let me rephrase it.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: I think it should be pretty simple, right?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're talking about really it's it's all about communication.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: We get nervous, we get nervous, it's not that simple for us.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but it I think the we live in 2026 currently, right?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like most things about what we do in terms of communication are electronic.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: You think about your day.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: And okay, that's a good point.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_02: Don't please don't do this.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: Well, nobody's voicemailing anymore, but please don't do this over text.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: Call the person, right?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: But I think that's I wouldn't even text, hey, can we talk?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: You're gonna freak them out.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, if they're at work, they're not gonna be able to concentrate.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but that's why I think you need we all need the world needs to take a step back for a second and let's address that sooner.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about the the communication skills, like how why is that important?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Why is it why is it a good idea to have really good communication skills and be comfortable with that?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, eye-to-eye contact, all of that stuff, because we are very good behind a keyboard, all of us, right?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, we can go unfiltered all day long behind a cube a keyboard, but like when we when it comes time to addressing somebody, it's so tough for some people just to be able to even think about having that conversation, like you're describing, like oh, they get all squirrely, right?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Then it's like it's really a tough task for them to accomplish.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Because it starts to feel like I'm nervous, it's weird, right, right, right.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Real life example, no names mentioned.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: So I just had last week at work, so I had a person come to me, and for the first four hours of their day, they were like like really anxious about having this conversation with me, which was really how did you know that?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: I could just body language and just well, how do you know the for four hours they were nervous?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because I could see it, I could see it.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, were you seeing them around the building?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: So I could I could sense you knew they were nervous to talk to you, right?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it wasn't like this.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: That's a but that's I feel for them because that's a lot of anxiety.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Well, but this is a person in a role that that's not it's that's not a dynamic that really should even be a thing ever, right?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: This is this is a peer and it is, yeah, and it is.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: But it was interesting that like this person, they they just had this hard time of like even bringing this up, whereas I knew that if this came up on an email, I mean it would be a couple paragraphs long about what and why and who and all the things, but to have this conversation face to face, even when it started, it was like this person was like, I know this is gonna be a tough conversation, and we probably should have had and I was like, They were really nervous, yeah.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: But when we got into it, it was it was more just it was all on them, it was all about their worry of the reaction.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_02: They were nervous about the confrontation, yeah.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: But it's are you their boss?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: No, oh no, not even no, not even remotely close, different department.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: It was just it just the the dynamic they're not used to it, right?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_02: They're not used to having conversations like this in their whole life, right?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: So that's my point like let's train younger people to be good with the the idea of it and then what how to do it?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's a whole big thing, right?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: It is a whole big thing, but that's how hopefully that's what we're doing right here, right?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_02: So I I want to ask you something.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, so what's gotten you into more trouble when I talk when it comes to talking to people about what you think or feel like an issue you're having with somebody?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_02: What's is there anything that's gotten you into trouble?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: Is it saying too much to someone or not saying anything at all?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: Because not saying anything at all can get us into trouble too.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what's gotten you into more trouble?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Me personally, yeah.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: Probably saying too much.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_02: I think with me, it's not saying enough.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's nice.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know that to be true.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: So backwards, right?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: But you think about our personalities, that's it sounds like you're not well.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: You're not a you we work on your communication.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you work.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: But I but we're we together work on your communication.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: And what we're saying is that I say too much and you don't say enough, which is opposite of how we fly.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_02: I you don't say enough communicating with me sometimes in our marriage in our relationship.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_02: I will say maybe you say too much, I think.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know, you could tell me that.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: But in your professional life, you think you say too much?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, versus not saying anything, that was those are the choices.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so I had to pick one.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's binary.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, thousand percent.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because I realize that if I don't say anything, right, then all of a sudden you've got these behind the door, like you have to say it to somebody.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: Your frustrations are said to somebody, and then it's like it it shouldn't be, right?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because now you're talking about a situation that maybe doesn't even involve this other person you're talking to, but that that can become a toxic conversation.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_02: And and you all think about like I know for me, what got me into trouble was saying too much hands down in my younger years, in my maybe my late teens, my twenties and thirties, like it got me into trouble.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_02: Like I was, yeah, I was mouthy and I would speak my mind and I would like I'd call stuff out like I didn't I had like no filter.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_02: And part of me was I was pretty like brazen and about you know, I didn't have any fear, I would take risks, I would do it in my with friends, people didn't like it.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: Not all the time, but like I would do it at work.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: I'd call I would call shit out.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_02: I would.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_02: And everyone knew like, okay, you know, like I I don't have time.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: Let's not mince words, and we don't have time for for BS.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_02: I don't I never liked office politics, and I would just say it.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes it it went well for me, and sometimes it did not go well for me.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know, you I really learned you gotta you gotta play this game.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't like the game, and I learned that I needed to play the game.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_02: I I I was like, oh, I don't like this.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_02: Why is it all so hard?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: Why can't people just be simple and just pop up, you know?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: And it part of me, part of me can could be back then much, much more than I am now because I'm a lot older, I think, hopefully wiser, very black and white about things.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_02: And and then now I realize there's so much more gray.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_02: But I yeah, I mean, you know, and sometimes now I don't think I say too much.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_02: I I keep quiet because I think a lot of times now it's not worth it.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, um, not only only not only selfishly is it not worth it for me to get to have an opinion or get upset, I also know I don't I don't know that much anymore.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I think it's just as the years go by, you know, there's more for me to learn.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: I I don't know, it's not for me to judge.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna judge that situation, I'm not gonna judge you.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: You know, there are times I do speak up.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_02: There are times I just was talking to one of the kids, and I said, you know, I don't really talk to you about this very much, and you're bringing she talks about something in her life.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: And I have opinions about it, but it's it's she's in a she's a grown adult, and you know, and and she was about to make a decision to do something, and I don't want to give it away what it is.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_02: It's a very personal thing for me.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: No names.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and it's also a very personal topic, but I don't say anything.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: I have opinions about it.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_02: She doesn't ask me for my opinion, so I don't give it.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: She just wants me to be a sounding board.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_02: And for the most part, that's my job as is her mom.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, we're like, you know, she's 32.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, we're like friends.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: Man, she's a sure, seriously.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm rarely talk about what I think we're now her life.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_02: Well, but I did say to her this this week on the phone, I said, listen, I I did tell her what I thought.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_02: And I just did it and I said, Listen, it's just my opinion.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: I think that I, you know, and she could hear it because I talked about because I said to her, I said, I would say I would actually would say this to a client.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not just saying this to you as my daughter, I would say this to a client that I had a a long-standing relationship with because I have you these long-term relationships with clients.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_02: I would say this to them like this is about integrity, this is about self-respect.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_02: Remember this, like take remember this situation, remember your remember who you are.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, remember how you want to feel.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, Okay, okay, that's a good point.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: You know, sometimes I will do that.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: Like, let me give you another perspective.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think you're thinking about right now.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_02: Are you open to hearing it?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_02: And she was.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: So I'll do that now.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_02: But oh, years ago, yeah.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: I think like you know what I what what I thought of and and not without you even having an unsolicited opinion.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I do that so much anymore.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: So think about for yourself, you know, everybody, you know.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_02: What do you do?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_02: Do you let people know what you think?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: Do you do you stay quiet?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_02: You know, are there times that you it's gotten you into trouble?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: You know, are there times that do you find that you're someone who stays quiet and doesn't speak up and you need to a little bit more than you are than you do?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I think when I answer that question, I was thinking, I mean, I think it's also not just like saying too much or giving too much of your opinion, but I for me, I think it's also like I always have a strategy about like asking questions, but sometimes maybe they're two-pointed questions.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like maybe I'm trying to get to a point or to get someone's opinion to come out of them.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll just drill down on the questions, and maybe at some point I should tap the brakes on that.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I feel like that's also saying too much.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like sometimes it's like that person's really not gonna go there, maybe.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_02: So don't well, it's learning to take the temperature in the room, yeah.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_02: It's learning to really see what's happening, reading the room.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: And and what's that person really comfortable with, right?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that sometimes that's hard to assess.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I want to go back to what I just said in the earlier in the podcast about why do I keep saying yes when I want to say no?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_02: And that's really for my people pleasers out there, you know this very well.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_02: You know, it's it's the the automatic yes, yes, yes, I'll do that, yes, I'll do that, you know, because you want to be maybe helpful, maybe you want to be agreeable, you want to be easygoing, you know.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you were told that when you were younger is to say yes.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_02: You want to be helpful, always being of service to others.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_02: I heard a lot of that growing up, being of service to others, don't make waves, help out, you know, jump in.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_02: And so much of that is wonderful, a wonderful, wonderful trait that people have.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_02: But it's not a wonderful trait in you if you end up feeling resentful, you know, or annoyed all the time.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_02: So, really, if you're you're not of any help to the other person or the community or the organization or the group, if inside you're like in a bad mood.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you're doing it and you're in a bad mood.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you're just it's building up inside of you, and that's an irritation and an anger.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_02: You know, specifically, I think of like the women that I know and the women that I worked with who they're doing it.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_02: There's a sense of responsibility that they have towards others at at the risk of their own comfort, you know, at the risk of like, I have so much on my plate, but here I am at nine o'clock at night making a butt cake for the bake sale tomorrow.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: That I why did I say I would do this?
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm exhausted.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I want to go to bed.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm so I I have done this before where being so tired, I'm like, wait, did I put did I put that tablespoon of baking baking soda in?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_02: Was it baking soda or was it baking powder?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like, oh, I don't know.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: You know, because you're you're you seriously are half asleep and you're doing the stupid bunk cake because you said you would do it and you really don't, or or and my time management would have been off because I was so freaking busy.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_02: That that's I know I feel your pain on that, I'm gonna tell you.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: And there is some resentment that that we feel, right?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, or not just some a lot, right?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so there's there's a lot of context with that question.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_02: There is a lot, you know.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_02: Here, but here's the question I want you all to sit with.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: Do the people in your life that are asking you these things, asking you to do something, it's to do, it's to take action, do they ignore a limit that you set with them?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: Did you set a limit already with them?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: Did you set a boundary with them?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_02: Or did I hope they would notice one that I never expressed?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_02: And that's really, really important.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, did you already set a limit or a boundary and they're just like running roughshod over you and they're so asking you to do things?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, for some of you, that's a thing.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_02: There are people in your life like, yeah, yeah, I know she's just really busy.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_02: I don't like care because we need help.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_02: We need someone to volunteer and show up on Friday morning, or we need somebody to to lead this new, you know, team we've put together.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_02: And you're you're such a great worker.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: You're so great, you're so great at this.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_02: Although they've kind of already told me that they don't really want to do it, but I don't I part of the way, part of me doesn't really care because I'm crazy busy stressed, and I need you to help out.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_02: So we feel this guilt because we know that our boss or our colleague is also really busy.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_02: So we're like, fine, I'll do it.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_02: And you told them already that you couldn't take any more on, or you told the PTA, or you told whatever, you know, you now you're like the team mom of your, you know, little kids' football team or soccer team, you know.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, or did you hope that they would just notice that you're really busy, you know, but you never express anybody.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_02: You're just hoping you're mind reading, and you're hoping people at work in your personal life will just see that I'm really, really busy.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_02: Well, not exactly.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_02: They're not mind readers and they're not, you may act huffy, puffy, walking, doing all the things.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: Don't expect people, that's it's that's the operative word expect.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_02: Don't expect people just to air quote, know that you're busy and overwhelmed in your life.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_02: You haven't told them, you got to tell them.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, that's really important.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, and they're also busy, right?
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, they are.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_02: And they're not thinking, like I say this all the time, my coaching clients, they're not thinking about you.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_02: No one's thinking about you the way you're thinking about you because they have their own lives and they're busy too.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: So let me just say this for just because I think this is another side of this conversation, also, that we should at least say.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if you think of this topic in the terms of work, right?
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like saying yes, you know, and then being like, oh boy, you know, maybe I shouldn't, because I don't have the time or the resources or the team to back me up on this, whatever it is I just said yes to.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: There also is a context of you're making deposits and withdrawals inside your own head with other departments, divisions of your business, and understanding that there are going to be times where you're going to need to lean into somebody else, right?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: So you have to be also conscious of saying yes and giving.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: You can't always be the one taking.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: So you have to be a you gotta kind of manage that.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: My not to wear the teeter totters.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_02: And my my people pleasers tend to be the ones who are always giving.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they just give and they give and they give.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_02: And I have to coach them up on let you take a little bit.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you need to take a little bit.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_02: And taking a little bit for them, self-preservation is what it comes down to, is a big fat NO.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_02: That, but that's really, really hard for them.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_02: So we work on practicing.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_02: We we will role play, we'll do the MG chair.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_02: Well, there's a different techniques that I'll use.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: With my clients.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: We'll we'll do all kinds of well, I'll help them with their sentences to really get them to a place where they can learn how to say no.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_02: Because they're like, it's mean, it feels mean.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_02: Well, no, it's not mean.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_02: I know what that feels like because that was me at one time.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_02: It's actually not mean.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_02: And the thing about it is that people actually, the respect for you goes up a little bit more.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, okay.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_02: They respect the boundary.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_02: They may not like it.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_02: But they will respect it.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_02: Most people.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: And you also have those other people that like never give.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: They always ask.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: So you so it's it's more tempting or more you more, I think more often we become tempted to become resentful to those about those people or to those people because you know that that there's this thing, and we're asking everybody to air quotes volunteer or jump in or to help us out.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: This one person or these these this group is always going to be like, yeah, I've got this.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: There's always an excuse.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: There's always an excuse, right?
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_02: There, there's the that, yeah, there's that group.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then it's like, then there's going to be moments where they ask, and you're like, mmm.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's tempting to be like, you know what?
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_01: So sorry, so busy, right?
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, but but I also you have to think about like, okay, what's the right thing to do?
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm going to give you all, we got to move on, but I'm giving you here's your way to practice.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_02: So number one, I want you to buy yourself time here.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_02: So when someone asks has an ask of you, asks you to do something, I want you to say something like, Let me check what I have going on.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_02: And I do that.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_02: That's exactly what I do.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_02: Let me check what I'm checking what I have.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_02: Let me let me check what I have going on.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_02: It gives you time, right?
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_02: I'll get back to you this afternoon or I'll text you tonight.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_02: I do this all the time.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_02: It works well.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I'll tell you actually, recently when I didn't do it and I got myself into trouble because I'm a people pleaser, I still have to work on my people pleasing.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_02: I'm pretty good at it.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not great at it.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_02: I just last week said an automatic yes or something that really inside of me was a no.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_02: I tell I say to my clients all the time, if you work with me, you know this.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_02: I say, for the most part, if it's not a resounding yes, then it's a no when someone asks something of you.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_02: If it's not a resounding yes, I will do that, then it's a no.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_02: And okay, there's nuance for each, each, each of you, you know, but I want that to be sort of a formula for you to think about saying yes to things and requests and people in your life.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_02: I use it.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_02: You know, there's sometimes I'm like, well, it's not a resounding yes, but yes, I'll do it because I I have the time and I love this person and I'm gonna do it for them.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, fine.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_02: So it's a yes for you.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: Is it a no when you waver like that?
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: Is it a no because it should be a no?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_02: Or is it deep down inside you don't want to do it?
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_02: And I want my people pleasers to get to a place in their life where they're like, I yes, I want to do that.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_02: Like my daughter was laughing at me.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_02: We were in Nordstrom Rack.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_02: It was a couple of years ago, and I've been thinking to myself, I need to get a credit card from here because I come here all the time.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_02: I might as well like get the Norty, whatever, the Norty points, a Nordie Club thing.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_02: Because they have really good is that what it's called?
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it they have like it and it's one of those credit cards that for me it is worth it because you get like money off, like it is good.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_02: Some of them, you know, some are terrible.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, my banana republic gap card, and I don't know what's going on with gap and old navy these days, everybody.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_02: If you're here in North America, but wow, okay.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_02: So this is I'll tell you if you're watching YouTube, this is now is this Target?
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_02: I love Target too.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_02: I think this is old navy, and these jeans, these jeans, which I love, they're gap.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_02: I I'm telling I love gap jeans.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so, anyways, I digress because I can talk about fashion and clothing with my girls, y'all all day long.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: I can talk about you're looking for a sponsor, but this is over the line.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it's no, it's not sponsored, and they're huge.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_02: But seriously, I like so the the credit cards are amazing because I always have like money, discounted money that I've earned anyway.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_02: So it's the same with Northstrom Rack.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_02: I have been thinking I want to get this credit card.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I was shopping at the holidays with my daughter, and you know, they're always like, Would you would you like to open a credit card?
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_02: You get 10% off your thing today, whatever.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_02: And she said it to me.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_02: We hear it all the time, like, no, no, thank you, no, thank you.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I don't, I already have enough credit cards.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_02: And I'll say that to them, like, I have enough credit cards.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, okay.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_02: They have to ask it, you know, the checkout people.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_02: And she goes, Would you like to open a credit card?
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, yes, yes.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_02: And my daughter started laughing.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, Okay, mom.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, yes, I want to open it a card.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: A little too excited about it.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I would like to open a credit card.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, Okay, then.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_02: Lady perked up.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, Wow, we don't get that very often.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, because I've been thinking about it.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_02: So that's how you think about it.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_02: Like in your life, we want it to be a resounding yes for you.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_02: I want it to be a resounding yes for you.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_02: If you're like, you know, deep down inside it's a no.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_02: You really know it's a no.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_02: So this is you and your self-preservation.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: Wait, so I have a question.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, what you just described, girl math.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hashtag girl math.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Totally girl math.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: There's that.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get that out of the way.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_01: Girl math.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_02: I love girl math.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: There you go.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: Love it.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_02: Don't get me started on girl math.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, please don't.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I have a question though.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: So you said uh piece of advice you said was ask for you're basically asking for more time, right?
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_02: Let let me check what I've got going on.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_02: I'll get back to you tonight.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'll text you, I'll text you tonight.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_01: What is your personal strategy for asking that question?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because I could see there being a couple different ones.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_02: Asking somebody to do something?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, for asking for more time.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: What is your in I wrote that down.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_02: That's exactly what I say.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: I get it.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_01: Let me check what I have going on.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm asking you, what's inside?
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: What's the strategy of asking that question for you?
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, in that moment, in that moment, it's not a resounding yes.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_02: And sometimes I have to think about it.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_02: I have to think about do I have the time?
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_02: Do I have the bandwidth for this?
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_02: Do I have time on my calendar to do it?
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_02: Because sometimes if it's a very good friend of mine, I do want to do something.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_02: Or if it's, you know, a colleague that I'm close to.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, if I have a time, I will do it for you.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_02: But there are times like you're going on vacation and you need me to take your caseload on and you're going for two weeks.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes I'm like, I am slammed.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_02: But she just a colleague who's a friend of mine, and I'm like, no, I wouldn't mind it.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: But oh my God, if if I get, if I have this, if I'm seeing three or four of her clients this week and I'm slammed, sure.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_02: I want to do it for her.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know that I can.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_02: So sometimes I really do have to go back in this case and look at my schedule, look at my book and see like who's in the schedule.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_02: Like talk to Blake, like who's in the schedule in the next in the next two weeks?
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_02: Because I have clients sometimes who'll book me way out.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_02: And if I can do it, I can.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_02: So that's where I can't let it be a resounding yes right now because I do have to check.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta see what's going on.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_02: So that's a good example.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_02: There, there's so that's the nuance.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's the nuance right there.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_02: For for me and for what I talk to my clients about.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_02: So go okay.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_02: So go check your go check your schedule this afternoon and get back to that person.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: So you can see what the reality is of saying yes, right?
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think it also could be for some people by asking for more time, air quotes, they're they're kind of buying their themselves time, maybe in hopes that someone else is going to say yes to that same exact question.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then you don't have to make that answer.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think that, yeah.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_02: Like I was talking with a client a couple weeks ago, and it's something about going out with a not a not our core group of girlfriends, but going out with like a periphery group.
• 29:10
  unknown: Yeah.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_02: She likes them, but she's really insanely busy with work.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_02: And she's seriously burning the midnight oil.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_02: And that's a whole other issue that we're dealing with in and of itself.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_02: That that's an issue.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_02: But she was saying, and I was saying to her, you know, we need to get you, you need to go out more.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_02: You need to have like you need to get we gotta work in your social life, which is kind of a form of self-care for her because she loves going out and having fun and doing dinners with girlfriends, but this was like a periphery group.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I said this to her, I said, She's like, Oh, there's so and so, you know, so and so.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_02: I've known her now for like four years.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, You know, so and so I talk about, yeah, yeah, those are her best friends.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_02: She said well, it's not them, it's so and so who I've talked about before, and them.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, oh yeah.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, Well, they're we're doing they're doing a dinner and it's like a Thursday night, you know.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_02: I and I said, I could kind of tell.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I'm like, I said, is it a resounding yes?
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_02: Let's say your name is Susie.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_02: Is it a resounding yes, Susie?
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_02: No, it's not at all.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_02: I no.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, if it was my core group, it was like, you know, Jackie and and Anna and you know, May, or you know, you know, Donna.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but it's well, it's not, no, it's not.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_02: So now we're gonna find the words for you to say, not a good night for me, can't make it.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_02: Thanks so much for the invite, can't make it.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_02: Because it wasn't, she was so stressed out about it.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_02: You know, it's like it wasn't a resounding yes for her.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like, yeah, I mean, yeah, but I'm really busy.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe if I wasn't so crazy busy at work, now I want to see my core group and I have plans with them on Saturday.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_02: I can't, no, I can't go out Thursday night.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta be up early Friday morning.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_02: I want to go to my hot Pilates class, and I gotta get my butt to work.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_02: Well, but that's important.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_02: So we're keeping her hot Pilates on her schedule.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_02: She's gotta do that.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_02: That's really important for her mental health, her self-care.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_02: She's got to do that.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_02: But we're taking off Thursday night because Thursday night's gonna turn into a glass of wine, a second glass of wine, it's gonna turn in, you're going to bed later, you're you're drinking, and you're not gonna have great sleep.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_02: So we're we're taking that off.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:08
  unknown: Yeah.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_02: You see, that's that that's a real nuance.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: I see what you're saying.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was gonna say, you got to be careful.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want it to be a self-serving no, right?
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe it should be in this case a self-serving no, because the if you say no, then all of these other personal benefits come your way.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_01: The next day, Pilates class, the ability to sleep in maybe a few extra, right?
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I guess there's like it's both kind of.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, we know this more and more, but a lot of people, I hear this all the time with my clients.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_02: If I have more than like a glass of wine, if I have a cocktail, yeah, which is more alcohol, like it will wreck my sleep, or I won't have great sleep, and I've got to have great sleep because I she has you got a lot going on with work, and she does need to be on her A game right now.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so we you kind of we kind of gave an example of what I was gonna get into.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_02: So you're gonna buy yourself time, you're gonna say something like, Let me check what I've got going on.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_02: I'll get back to you to now text you later.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_02: You're gonna check the cost.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_02: So that's what we just talked about.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_02: Well, would this yes require me to give up?
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_02: So in her case, it would require her to give up maybe sleep.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_02: It would require her to give up maybe the emotional energy she needed just to go home on a Thursday night and, you know, Netflix and chill, you know, have a yummy meal and just get to bed at a decent time for her so she can get up at, you know, 5 30 to get to her 6 a.m.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_02: Pilates class shower and get to work, right?
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_02: So that's what she would give up really emotional, mental, psychological space in her in her, in her day the next day.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_02: Was she willing to do it?
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_02: And she decided, no, I'm not willing to do it.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not, I'll go out that group some other time, maybe on a weekend, but I'm not going out that Thursday night.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm gonna see my core group of girlfriends on Saturday.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_02: And give a clear answer.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_02: So this is the next part.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_02: Give a clear answer.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_02: I can't, I can't go Thursday night.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for the invite.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_02: I cannot make it.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_02: Offer a clear answer.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_02: Clarity.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_02: And if you want, offer an alternative.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_02: Like, hey, I could do next Thursday.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_02: I can do blah blah blah the seventh.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I could do in two weeks.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_02: Can't do this week.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_02: If you want.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_02: You don't have to, but you can if you want.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_02: And I always say prepare for pushback.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_02: Prepare that you're gonna get somebody in the group chat or the person you're with, oh, come on, come on, just come for a couple hours, just come for an hour.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_02: Come on.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_02: You you hear that, right?
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, sure.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I I understand, I get it.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_02: I get, you know, I know I so I'm flattered that you want me to be there.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I you know, I want to go.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_02: I just can't.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_02: That's it.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_02: Cut it off.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_02: I just can't be that's you being firm with your boundaries.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_02: And and I want you, and this is always the hard ones, stay with the discomfort.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_02: Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_02: I say this all the time.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_02: I want you to learn to stick and stay with the discomfort.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_02: So ask yourself, did I break a commitment?
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_02: Did I break a commitment to someone?
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_02: Or am I uncomfortable disappointing someone?
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_02: So did you break a commitment that you did make to someone?
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_02: That's different.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_02: Or are you just feeling really uncomfortable and itchy and scratchy in your body because someone's a little disappointed?
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I'd say a little, probably not hugely, but sometimes, yeah, they're really disappointed because they really want you there.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_02: Can you can you sit with that?
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_02: Can you let them feel the way they feel and you also feel a little discomfort and learn to sit with it?
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_02: Let them have their feelings.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_02: That's not your responsibility, okay?
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_02: So that that is important, and I think this is the hardest thing for people to learn to live with, right?
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_02: So can you think of a time in your life, Tim, where you agreed to something and then you immediately regretted it?
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's probably thousands of that.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_01: I think I know one.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_02: Can I say it?
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_02: Teaching spin way beyond when you wanted to.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like the quantity of teaching?
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_02: I think you were doing it, and I think you regretted that you said you were teaching all the spin classes.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because I did love, I mean, when I was teaching it in the in the throes of it, like I would have loved every second of it.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_01: But I think you're right.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: I think the quantity at some point caught up with me.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_02: I th I I saw it.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_02: So I saw it.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_02: So you Tim is a great spin instructor, and you were a sought-after spin instructor, and you're you I I don't know how you didn't have ego around this because your classes would as spin instructors, you you hear about this.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, or any any group X instructor.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, you had like people had there was a sign-up sheet to get into your spin classes, yeah, and people would be like annoyed if they were like like the like one off or two off.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_02: And sometimes they'd wait to see if somebody didn't show up.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_02: It was a whole thing.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_02: It was a whole thing getting into some of your spin classes.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_02: And you must have had ego around it.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't blame you for it.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_02: You were really, really good at it.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_02: And I love taking your spin classes.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_02: And but I wondered as the years went by if you were getting you were sought after, you must have had ego around that you were a good instructor, but did you get resentful that they kept asking you to do more and more and more?
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_02: And you were saying yes.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I did.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I didn't in I don't know if in real time I thought of it that way.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because I mean, I was teaching at multiple locations, you know what I mean?
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: So it was like, oh, there's a couple of classes here, there's a handful of classes here.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: But when you look at that, but they always want good instructors, right?
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: You want those instructors that be bring people to the classes, and ones that are willing to get up at 5 30 in the morning and teach.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: That if you can find that combination, that that's like a unicorn almost.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because those 545 classes were packed.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: They and as they should be.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I don't know if I ever heard you say it, but I did.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_02: I wondered like sea regretting, you just seem tired.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_01: I probably I probably didn't think about it that way, but I'm sure that my the way I held myself always being tired probably was a result of that.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that what it's interesting because the other day when we were talking about spin, I asked you if would you ever teach a spin class again?
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_02: Because I enjoy taking your spin class with drinking at it, and you're like, hell no.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_02: Hell no, and that you're like, I have no desire of never going back.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, really?
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I would go to your spin class.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_02: You're like, no, I'm not never teaching spin again.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, wow, okay.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's funny because like towards the tail end when I was at not where I'm at now, but I was teaching a lot, and at the tail end of it, still teaching all the way to the to the last several weeks of being employed there.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then when I left there, I was still had a couple classes elsewhere that I was teaching, but I went to this new job, my full-time job, my full, my real, my real business hat had is on.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_01: I've not taught a class there once.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_01: You had no desire to teach there.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I've not taught a class anywhere since I've started working here, and it's gonna be five years in January.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, so you haven't taught in five years?
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_01: No, and so I'm like, ooh, like, would it be nice?
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_01: And we're talking about like forget about spin necessarily, but it's like it's boot camps, it's all the time.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_02: I think you got tired of all things bike.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_01: I did, yeah.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you you you got tired, I think, of triathlon trading.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_02: I thought you got tired of our long rides.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_02: I think you got tired of all of it.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_02: You never were on the trainer.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you were on the trainer, but not if you had a half Iron Man you're training for an Iron Man, yeah, you'd be on the trainer, but I don't think you enjoyed any of it.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but it was 28, 30 years later for you.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_01: It was a it was a long time with doing it again and again.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: So all right.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so I have so much more to share with you.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna get we're getting off topic.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_02: I am going to get to this next one, and then I think we're going to pause pause, and I think we're gonna do a part two because I want to give all this these relationship issues the time and the breadth that it deserves, and I'm not gonna be able to do it in this episode because we're already like 40 minutes in, and I've got like seven more points to share with all of you.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_02: So, okay, before we get to the next one though, so this is this is about what do I what do I do when I want to go off on someone?
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what do I do when I'm like I've had it with someone and I I seriously feel like I'm gonna like go off on them and yell at them or be really snarky and rude and sarcastic to them, or completely shut down.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_02: So some of you are the opposite where like you just get completely shut down.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_02: You're not gonna say anything, you're just shutting down and you're not gonna be communicate.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_02: So we're gonna get into that.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_02: Before we get into that, I want to tell all of you if you want to work with me, please don't hesitate to email me hello at an amarcaline.com.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_02: If you're looking for coaching, I have some slots open for individual coaching.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_02: And if you're in the state of Illinois and you're looking for a therapist, I am available.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_02: I uh I have a couple slots for that right now, too.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_02: So it's getting busier because we're recording this in September, but please don't hesitate, reach out and at least find out, okay, if you and I will be a good fit for each other, okay?
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_02: And once again, as always, thank you for listening to the podcast and rating and reviewing it.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_02: So what do I do when I want to just like I want to just speak my mind to somebody, or I think I'm gonna sarcastically say something to them at work or at home.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_02: So there is this urge, right?
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_02: Don't we all feel like an urge to send the text?
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_02: Or like we're writing it into our phone.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_02: And I would say, like, slow down, like slow down.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_02: Like there's a text you write and there's a text you send.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_02: Those are two very different things.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_02: Like we used to call it years ago, like there's a letter you write, the therapeutic letter.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_02: There's a letter you write where you just are unfiltered, you see everything you've ever wanted to say, all your thoughts and feelings about that person.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_02: You write the letter to them, then you burn it, then you rip it up or you burn it, you put it in the fire.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_02: Then you go and write the second letter.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_02: And that's a letter where you have you you filter yourself.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_02: We don't do we don't say letters anymore.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's like this the therapeutic text.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_02: Like, but please make sure you don't hit that send button by by mistake.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, we have this urge to send the text.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_02: So you can you can write a text, then I want you to delete it.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_02: But you're like, oh, so that's a actually a tactic right there.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_02: Or you're somebody who you have something with someone, maybe it's a a sibling of yours or it's a your spouse, and you just you have this urge, like you want to get the last word in.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_02: You just you just are somebody who I can't, I have to get in the last word.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_02: I want to say my piece, and I'm not gonna stop until I get in the last word.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_02: And we can be that way, right?
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_02: As people, or maybe you're the person who you just stop speaking to altogether to them, you just stop talking, you just shut down, you ignore them, you do the silent treatment.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_02: So I want you to think about who are you in all this, right?
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_02: When I say to my clients, I say this all the time, take the high road.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_02: I want you to take the high road.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_02: Taking the high road is really it's it's a form of integrity for you.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_02: It's show integrity, take the high road.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_02: I know you feel like going off on them.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_02: I know you feel like sending a nasty text.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_02: I know you feel like shutting down and giving them a silent treatment, which actually is a form of contempt and in couples therapy circles, it's it's pretty mean.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_02: It's a mean thing to do to just be silent towards someone and and not talk to them, all right?
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_02: Take the high road in that situation.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_02: You have to find a way to talk to that person, all right?
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you still want them, the other person, to address what happened, right?
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_02: You want to address what happened, you want them to talk about what happened, right?
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you can be direct with someone without humiliating them.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_02: So you can you can take the high road, you can talk with them, and you can be direct with them without being humiliating towards the other person.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_02: That's really important, right?
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_02: You know, so I want you to notice the early signs in you of when you're getting upset with someone, you know, notice them.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_02: And for each of you, it might be different.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_02: Look first go to your body.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_02: First, always go to the body.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_02: When you're around them or you have a situation with them, maybe they're a colleague that just bugs the crap out of you.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_02: What happens to you?
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_02: Do you do you notice your your jaw tightens?
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_02: Now you're gonna have to do some like micro observations of yourself, right?
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_02: This is like thinking about your body, but where is it showing up?
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_02: So does your jaw get tight?
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_02: Do you clench?
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_02: Do you notice you clench?
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_02: Do you start speaking quicker, faster speech?
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_02: I do that.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_02: You know, when I'm stressed out or tense, I start speaking much faster.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_02: Do you repeat yourself?
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_02: I know a ton of people who repeat themselves over and over and over again because they're not feeling heard and they're really getting upset and they're about to start yelling, but they repeat the same thing over and over and over again.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_02: Or suddenly they or you, you have no words.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_02: You just you have no words.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_02: Like that's you getting shut down, right?
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_02: That's you noticing the early signs in you that you're either about to go off on someone or you're just going into shutdown mode, right?
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_02: So the research, and I always want to bring in some research here.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_02: There's research behind this.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_02: It's Amy Arnstein's research psychologist.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_02: Back in 2009, she did work on stress and the prefrontal cortex.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_02: And that helps explain.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_02: And if you want, you can go and read her research, Amy Arnstein, 2009, stress in the prefrontal corp prefrontal cortex, for all of you to know that this is a thing.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_02: This is a biological thing.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's not just you're making up in your head.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_02: This is actually a thing that's happening in your brain.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_02: But it helps, she helps explain why thoughtful responding becomes harder under uncontrollable stress.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_02: So it's legit, it's a thing.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_02: You're not alone.
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_02: I think all of us humans go through this that, you know, when we feel a lot of stress in our lives, we feel stress of certain people in our lives.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_02: This is why we either start yelling at them and go off on them and say the wrong things, or we go into complete shutdown mode.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_02: Because this is something that's happening in your brain.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_02: So what to do?
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_02: What to do about all this?
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_02: First, I want you to call the pause early.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_02: You're going to put a pause.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I I wanna, you might say something like, you know, I wanna work this out with you.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_02: I want to talk about this.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'm getting like really mad at you.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_02: Like maybe Tim, I'll say to you, like, okay, I want to talk this through right now.
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_02: I don't, we don't have time, and I'm and I'm getting mad.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm actually getting madder.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_02: So not a good time.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_02: Can we come back to it later?
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_02: And you're like usually running out the door, you know, like you go in to teach a class, like, okay, fine, we'll talk about it tonight.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_02: We'll talk about when you get home tonight.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_02: And that's good because it gives us a time away from each other.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_02: It gives us a breather to think.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_02: You're getting momentarily or for the next hour or two distracted about something else that you have to pay attention to, and maybe in the car ride home, or maybe for me, like when I'm cleaning up dinner, I can think about like what I want to say to you.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_02: Because we talked two hours earlier, we were gonna go to blows.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_02: So sometimes it's like you gotta call it, you gotta take the pause.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_02: So it's okay to call the pause.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_02: And this goes back to this is some earlier training that I have in uh couples therapy.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_02: So, like I said, you and then use the break, use that time, all right?
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_02: Go for a walk.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_02: You get in your car, there's your break.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_02: You're gonna think about what it is you want to talk about, what you want to say.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_02: You're gonna think about the words you want to choose, okay?
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_02: If you want, that could be the time in the car where you do that therapeutic, like letter, write that letter, write that text.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_02: This is could be the time when you can just scream into the air, scream into the void, all the things you want to say to this person.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_02: Although you're not gonna say that to them in real life, but this is the safe space for you to do it.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_02: Say all the things, all right?
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_02: So you're gonna then I want you to maybe you're just gonna spend a few minutes with yourself, write down the one thing you need understood, or say in your mind that one thing, that one sentence, this is what I want to come out with.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_02: I want them to understand this.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, okay, so that's really important.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_02: I want you to understand this.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_02: Like we got into a fight this past weekend, stupid, but it was a fight, an argument.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_02: We were at a restaurant and making a scene, like we sometimes sometimes will do.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_02: No, it wasn't that really a scene, but well, that couple that was sitting behind you that I could see, they were they were totally listening to our conversation, they're eavesdropping.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I've been that we have been that before where I where there are people fighting next to me, and I'm and you're talking, I'm like, stop talking, stop talking.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna listen to this fight.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that was us, that was us.
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_02: They were like totally like all of a sudden they got quiet, and the guy like leans back.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, oh, they're so listening to us.
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's funny because okay, so I had no idea, obviously, because they're behind, which is interesting, but then they got into the weirdest, and I and I told you we're listening to their conversation when I went to the bathroom.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_01: It made absolutely zero sense what they were talking about.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_01: This guy was trying to justify his opinion on the supreme being had to be a female, had to have a oh, he was talking about God or the universe, yeah, and he thinks it's female.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't, I'm not saying I don't agree or disagree.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_01: This is not that's not what this is about, but he was just like hellbent on making this point to this this other this his I don't know if it's his date or that who who she was, but she I could tell her silence said everything to me.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like she was like not buying what he was selling at all.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_01: I know, not even close.
• 48:15
  SPEAKER_02: That's so interesting.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_02: So they were listening to us, and then I went to the bath and then you were listening to them.
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, anyways, yeah, this is what we do, right?
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_02: In restaurants, we listen to each other's conversations.
• 48:23
  SPEAKER_01: Wait, but I have a question though.
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_01: Do you so do you ever when you're coaching people in these scenarios, do you ever coach them on maybe during that time of pause, right?
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_01: And and kind of assessing the situation for themselves and how what do they need to say?
• 48:40
  SPEAKER_01: How do they want it to be heard?
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_01: All of those things, right?
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_01: Do you ever coach them on part of that time devoted towards giving some airspace to like what is the other person's point?
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like maybe that's so that's part of like the the time away is like let me let me put all of all of my stuff over here for a second and let me consider what that person's point really is.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_01: Do you talk about that?
• 49:05
  SPEAKER_02: It's it with certain individuals, but for the most part, when I'm talking about this, I'm talking about well, yeah, if you're somebody who's more of a shutdown person, no matter what, I actually have to say, I want you to feel seen and heard.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_02: That's what's most important to me with my client.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_02: Is I want you when you take that pause, I want you to think about what it is you want to say, how you want to say it, because like what I always say, it's the delivery is so, so important, finding your voice, sure, watching the delivery of how you speak to the person, and sharing with them what it is, your opinion, your thoughts, your feelings about a situation.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_02: And when we get to a place where we can we feel seen and heard, what most often happens is and it's sometimes I'll tell my clients, now you now you if they're real talkers, like then you have to listen.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I say that.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_02: Then you have to listen and listen to what they're saying to you.
• 49:56
  SPEAKER_02: Because sometimes it's a male culpa.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes we have to say, okay, my bad on that.
• 50:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like, okay, I'm not right on that.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_02: But first we talk about how my clients, especially the people pleasers, can find their voice and can set a boundary and verbalize the boundary, draw that line in the sand.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_02: That's a lot of the the coaching that I do.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_02: And and then with certain individuals, it's like, okay, especially like I have one person who I love her dearly.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_02: She gets defensive.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_02: And when she gets offensive, she talks and talks and talks and she'll over talk, she'll interrupt and over talk people.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_02: And I've and I've talked to her about, okay, but now you need to be quiet and you need to listen.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_02: You need to learn to listen.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_02: It's a defense.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_02: Her talking is a defense because she's so she's so she gets really defensive about what's going to be said to her.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_02: So we're doing a lot of, we we're doing a lot of deeper inner work with her to get her to a place where she can have better self-esteem and feel confident in who she is, that she can listen to the air-call criticisms that are coming her way.
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_02: She's done a ton of work on this, and it's been so wonderful to see that now she can actually sit with somebody saying to her, you know, you do talk a lot, and I feel like you don't listen.
• 51:01
  SPEAKER_02: She can sit with that.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_02: She could not sit with that two years ago.
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_02: No way.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_02: No way.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_01: So I I just the only reason I asked that because like I've taken, I've tried to take that approach with myself, where like we can use you and I as an example, or I can use something at work or what I anything, right?
• 51:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like where there's like this disagreement, and then there is a break in the conversation because either we've asked for it or we just got it because something else, some other influence caused us to have to pause it.
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_01: But being able to take a couple minutes and and reassess what if it's you and I, like what's your take on this conversation and you're in this issue, and what's your potential response to me gonna be coming back?
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if I take time to do that, it served me well.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_02: Well, we know each other well and we know what the person's gonna say.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, for the long well, and also like I I might be wrong, right?
• 51:58
  SPEAKER_01: But if I'm in the if I'm in the heat of the argument, and you and I like we have this dynamic where we sometimes we banter for the sake of bantering, it's nothing to do about anything with the actual issue that we're talking about.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_01: We just like to like do it, which is weird, but like we that's why we roll sometimes, right?
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_01: We do this, but like if you take us, if I take a second and I'm like, okay, she actually is like 90% right in this, right?
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_01: And but yeah, I'm portraying that I'm the one that's 90% right in the actual first conversation.
• 52:28
  SPEAKER_02: But that you have to look at yourself, right?
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_01: But then I can cut, but then I can come back into this, and instead of taking out where we left off, I can come back in and start the the second conversation with, you know what, you're right.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_01: And if that diffuses all things, and I've said that to you before, too.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_02: I've said those times I've been just flat wrong.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, and I've said to you, you're you're you're you're right.
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_02: I was wrong.
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was totally wrong on that.
• 52:50
  SPEAKER_01: But but I think that's something that we can coach, like for you, you can coach your clients on, but I think that we can also coach like like our kids or like people out there can coach their what dependence.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_02: Well, we've done episodes, we've talked in the in the on the podcast about the importance of saying I'm sorry.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that could just completely take the air out of like it could just it could just take that like the helium out of the balloon for people who are all puffed up and ready to fight and argue.
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_02: And and it's like sometimes you are wrong, and sometimes it's like say you're just say you're sorry.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and you watch the other person go, oh, okay.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was like, you're enough with the duke's up for a big, you know, verbal scrimmage with you.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_02: But now, okay, I'm sorry.
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, we talk about that all the time.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_02: We say with the kids, like, I'm sorry, it it's healing for people.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's helpful to hear.
• 53:33
  SPEAKER_01: And you and I, right at this second, are describing something that's nearly impossible for some people to get their heads up.
• 53:38
  SPEAKER_02: So nearly impossible for some people to ever say they're sorry.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_01: Or just even consider that the other person has something that's correct.
• 53:45
  SPEAKER_02: A value.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_02: But that's the deep dive work in ego, yeah, in in insecurities.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_02: That that's a that's a you job.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_02: That's a that's an an interior work job that I do with coaching clients all the time.
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_02: And they come to me for coaching and then they realize they've got some inner work to do.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_02: We have to do that work.
• 54:03
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_02: Because you're getting yourself into these situations at work, and you you're you're blind spot is you don't see it.
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_02: So I get to know you and I'm starting to see it because I'm asking all these questions, and I'm like, okay, I'm getting a sense of the scenario here.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's you.
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes you are the problem.
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like sometimes I am the problem.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_02: Like so, it's like, you is it me?
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_02: Am I the problem?
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes you are the common denominator.
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes.
• 54:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 54:28
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 54:29
  SPEAKER_02: So when you're so let's go back.
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_02: So some we talked about like taking the break, like say, hey, time out, time out, time out.
• 54:36
  SPEAKER_02: I need a break.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_02: I can't get, I'm getting like really mad at you right now.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm gonna say some things that I'm gonna regret later.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_02: I I gotta take the kids to to practice.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_02: I'll be I'll be back.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_02: We'll talk later.
• 54:46
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 54:46
  SPEAKER_02: So take that pause.
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes that pause is not enough.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes you need more time to think about it.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, if you say you're gonna talk after dinner, get together after dinner, you know, or get together tomorrow morning and meet in the conference room like you said you would, but then say, you know what?
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_02: I I'm still not over this, like I'm still not past this, and I haven't thought through, and it's okay to say this, everyone.
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't thought through what words I want to use.
• 55:12
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't thought through what I want to say yet.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I want to say it in a way that you can hear and I can say it.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_02: I need more time.
• 55:19
  SPEAKER_02: It's okay to say I need more time, but you got to say when you're gonna do it.
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like, can we talk?
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_02: Can we talk tomorrow morning?
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_02: You know, sometimes we've done this on the phone.
• 55:27
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm at work, could you have time tomorrow at 10?
• 55:30
  SPEAKER_02: And it's and we're not in the same room.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_02: It's not ideal, but sometimes it's been good diffuser for us to talk on the phone.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_02: We have done this, and it's talk we've talked to a big fight on the phone.
• 55:39
  SPEAKER_02: It has helped.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_02: And then when you come home, like we'd give each other a hug or something.
• 55:43
  SPEAKER_02: But that has that has helped.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_01: So wait, let me ask you a question.
• 55:48
  SPEAKER_02: So is it, I mean I'm trying to go fast here because I know sorry.
• 55:56
  SPEAKER_02: And you all give us feedback on this.
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_02: I want to know what you think because Tim and I go back and forth.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'm you're like talking, talking, and I'm trying to like hurry the whole session up.
• 56:03
  SPEAKER_02: And now you keep saying the session.
• 56:04
  SPEAKER_02: The whole thing.
• 56:05
  SPEAKER_01: Here we go.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_01: Venmo.
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_01: Hold on.
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_01: Venmo.
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_01: Let me bend my image.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_02: I'm trying to hurry this conversation up, this episode.
• 56:12
  SPEAKER_02: You, Tim, you all.
• 56:14
  SPEAKER_01: My bad.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_02: I can't tell you how many times we're walking our dogs, and he keeps telling me our our our podcast episodes are too long.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_02: They're too long, Anna.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_02: They're too long.
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_02: They're too, you know, all the time for the past three years.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_02: Tim tells me that the podcast is too long.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_02: And now I'm trying to hurry up.
• 56:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm trying to get through my points with all of you.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_02: And he keeps telling me to hold the money once the talk.
• 56:33
  SPEAKER_02: We don't have time to talk.
• 56:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, I just we don't have time.
• 56:35
  SPEAKER_00: I just have a question.
• 56:37
  SPEAKER_02: And this.
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_02: Because a podcast manager also said that maybe they're too long.
• 56:42
  SPEAKER_02: So can you all write in the comments on YouTube?
• 56:45
  SPEAKER_02: Please write in the comments wherever you listen on the podcast, Spotify, iTunes, wherever you listen, write in the comments if you think our episodes are too long or if they're are or if they're not long enough.
• 56:56
  SPEAKER_02: I'm actually really curious to know what you all think.
• 56:58
  SPEAKER_02: You are the ones who are listening because people will get tired and they'll cut it off because they get bored or they're like, I gotta go to work.
• 57:06
  SPEAKER_02: I can't listen.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_02: Just two nights ago, you said to me I would never come back and listen to a podcast episode.
• 57:11
  SPEAKER_02: I, on the other hand, listen to podcasts that are one, two, three hours long, and I will stop and I will come back to it.
• 57:16
  SPEAKER_02: It I don't mind it at all.
• 57:18
  SPEAKER_02: I don't mind a three-hour episode.
• 57:20
  SPEAKER_02: If I'm interested, I will listen.
• 57:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_02: But Tim thinks that's too long and you all aren't listening.
• 57:25
  SPEAKER_02: So I would love to hear from all of you who are actually the listeners and the watchers what you all think.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_02: So I'd appreciate that.
• 57:31
  SPEAKER_02: That's what I'm trying to like rush you through.
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_01: I get it.
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_01: I I do get it.
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_02: But go ahead, make your point.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_01: I I just have a question.
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have a point to make.
• 57:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just wondering.
• 57:39
  SPEAKER_01: So, do you you're talking about like so you're coming back and you're you're you're gonna come back with like to find it to finish the discussion.
• 57:47
  SPEAKER_01: Is it tempting to have it all scripted out for yourself?
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes it does help to write it down.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_02: Not all scripted out, but I would I would encourage you if you're gonna you're getting back together with somebody that you're having beef with or anyone in your life and you know you're gonna talk with them.
• 58:02
  SPEAKER_02: I would write down a piece of paper your points or put it in the notes app on your phone.
• 58:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 58:06
  SPEAKER_02: Like write it down.
• 58:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 58:07
  SPEAKER_02: Because what'll happen is your emotions are gonna get going for most of you, and you're gonna forget, you know, when you walk away and you're like, oh, why didn't I say this?
• 58:15
  SPEAKER_02: And I wanted to say that, and I forgot to say this.
• 58:16
  SPEAKER_02: Write it down.
• 58:17
  SPEAKER_02: It's okay.
• 58:18
  SPEAKER_02: I've had people do this with me, like you, like I wrote it down a piece of paper.
• 58:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like, and don't be intimidated by it if something does this to you.
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_02: They're just they're just trying to help with their thoughts or just trying to keep their thoughts organized.
• 58:28
  SPEAKER_02: So if somebody pulls out a piece of paper or the notes app on their on their phone to you, don't don't get defensive, okay?
• 58:35
  SPEAKER_02: Just let them let them do that because people organize differently.
• 58:38
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you're somebody who doesn't need to do that.
• 58:40
  SPEAKER_02: Other people do need to organize that.
• 58:42
  SPEAKER_02: I'm somebody who I do need to write things down.
• 58:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 58:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I'll just be like, okay, I want to, I want to make sure I make these certain bullet points.
• 58:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 58:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I think if if you're the one that's script scripting it or having your notes, I think if that's you, right?
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be okay if it doesn't go that way.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_01: Also, right?
• 59:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 59:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like if it if it starts to zigzag, just kind of have to go with it.
• 59:06
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 59:06
  SPEAKER_02: So so let's say you're not ready.
• 59:08
  SPEAKER_02: So I would say to you, like, I still can't talk to you.
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_02: I'm still, I don't, we don't have a time.
• 59:12
  SPEAKER_02: We don't have a time.
• 59:13
  SPEAKER_02: I still can't talk.
• 59:13
  SPEAKER_02: We let's talk this weekend.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, but we know, and we're like two ships in the night, busy, like I think about the earlier busy with our kids.
• 59:21
  SPEAKER_02: We maybe wouldn't even have the time to talk anyway, because life is so busy and I don't really want to get into it.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_02: Eight o'clock on a Thursday night.
• 59:27
  SPEAKER_02: I want to just chill and drink my tea and watch my show.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, okay, so know that we'll talk on Saturday.
• 59:33
  SPEAKER_02: We'll talk Saturday morning.
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 59:35
  SPEAKER_02: So, but you have to tell the other person when you're gonna talk.
• 59:38
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 59:38
  SPEAKER_02: So that's really important.
• 59:40
  SPEAKER_02: So when you have that conversation, I want you to start with one issue, okay?
• 59:45
  SPEAKER_02: So you don't go into the conversation with like three things.
• 59:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's overwhelming for the other person, and it's not a it's not a good foot to start on.
• 59:53
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_02: So I want you to restart with one issue.
• 59:56
  SPEAKER_02: So start with what happened, you're telling the situation.
• 1:00:00
  SPEAKER_02: How did it affect you?
• 1:00:02
  SPEAKER_02: What are you asking for?
• 1:00:04
  SPEAKER_02: Then hear their side.
• 1:00:06
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:00:06
  SPEAKER_02: Then be quiet and let them talk.
• 1:00:08
  SPEAKER_02: So what happened?
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_02: How did it affect you?
• 1:00:11
  SPEAKER_02: Stick with those I statements.
• 1:00:13
  SPEAKER_02: And now what are you asking for from them?
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_02: Say it and now be quiet and let them talk.
• 1:00:19
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:00:19
  SPEAKER_02: If you already snapped at them, if you've already snapped, then I want you to repair it.
• 1:00:24
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:00:24
  SPEAKER_02: You you it's important to say, like, okay, I didn't mean it that way.
• 1:00:28
  SPEAKER_02: That did come out harsh.
• 1:00:29
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I am sorry.
• 1:00:30
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm sorry.
• 1:00:31
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta I didn't mean it like that.
• 1:00:32
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna do this again.
• 1:00:34
  SPEAKER_02: Say that, okay?
• 1:00:35
  SPEAKER_02: Like we talked about the importance of I'm sorry.
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't I didn't mean it like that when I said it the other night.
• 1:00:39
  SPEAKER_02: I I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
• 1:00:40
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna say that again.
• 1:00:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:00:42
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:00:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I like it.
• 1:00:44
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 1:00:45
  SPEAKER_02: So let we're gonna practice and then we're gonna end after this.
• 1:00:47
  SPEAKER_02: And then we're gonna do a part two because I have more to share with you.
• 1:00:51
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna talk about in the next episode how do you bring up something that you've let stew for months?
• 1:00:56
  SPEAKER_02: That's really important.
• 1:00:57
  SPEAKER_01: See this all the time.
• 1:00:58
  SPEAKER_02: How do you bring up something and you've been it's been bothering you for months, and now you you gotta talk about it.
• 1:01:04
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna talk about that.
• 1:01:04
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna take you through how to do that.
• 1:01:06
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna talk about friendship.
• 1:01:08
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna talk about, you know, you and your expectations of your friends.
• 1:01:11
  SPEAKER_02: Are you expecting too much from your friends?
• 1:01:13
  SPEAKER_02: Are you getting what are you getting out of your friendships?
• 1:01:15
  SPEAKER_02: Is it not enough?
• 1:01:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna take you through that.
• 1:01:18
  SPEAKER_02: How do I we're gonna talk about how do you handle your in-laws and family boundaries?
• 1:01:21
  SPEAKER_02: We're getting up now, we're coming up on the holiday seasons are ahead of us.
• 1:01:26
  SPEAKER_02: How do you handle your in-laws?
• 1:01:28
  SPEAKER_02: How do you handle family gatherings?
• 1:01:30
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna do that again because that's really important.
• 1:01:32
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna talk about blended families.
• 1:01:34
  SPEAKER_02: What makes blended families and blended family relationships so freaking hard and so tricky?
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so we're gonna have to hurry up on that one too, because I could talk for hours on each of these.
• 1:01:43
  SPEAKER_01: But I mean, if those each one of those points could be an episode to itself, potentially.
• 1:01:49
  SPEAKER_02: I know.
• 1:01:49
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, anyways.
• 1:01:50
  SPEAKER_02: So we're gonna do that.
• 1:01:51
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 1:01:52
  SPEAKER_02: So we're gonna end with a hypothetical issue.
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so is this like role-playing now?
• 1:01:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we're gonna role play a little bit.
• 1:01:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 1:01:59
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm I'm gonna say you, I'm gonna say to you, I'm gonna say this to you.
• 1:02:04
  SPEAKER_02: You're making this has happened before.
• 1:02:06
  SPEAKER_02: Tim, you're making a big deal out of nothing.
• 1:02:09
  SPEAKER_02: You're making a big deal out of nothing.
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, you're just could you're actually right now.
• 1:02:14
  SPEAKER_01: You're actually playing me now.
• 1:02:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, no, I'm I'm me, and I'm gonna say it to you.
• 1:02:17
  SPEAKER_02: But uh But we're reversing it.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_02: You're making a big deal out of nothing, something you're upset about.
• 1:02:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:02:24
  SPEAKER_02: What's your first impulse on my saying that to you right now?
• 1:02:28
  SPEAKER_01: But I I would say if I was you, because I'm No no no.
• 1:02:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's I'm let's okay.
• 1:02:33
  SPEAKER_02: What's the situation?
• 1:02:34
  SPEAKER_02: Let's take a situation that you're upset about, or something like with your family, your family of origin.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like so that's I and I agree.
• 1:02:44
  SPEAKER_02: They've said that to you before.
• 1:02:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I agree.
• 1:02:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, Tim, you're making a big deal out of nothing.
• 1:02:48
  SPEAKER_02: Like just or your friends from college.
• 1:02:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like let's talk about some real stuff now.
• 1:02:53
  SPEAKER_02: And you all like you guys are like, what's with her, his friends from college?
• 1:02:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, seriously.
• 1:02:58
  SPEAKER_02: You all took sides when we when he got divorced and basically got rid of you as a friend, and then they came back, and you have not been able to get past some of the ways that they've treated you.
• 1:03:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:03:09
  SPEAKER_02: And so I have said to you, actually, over the years, why don't they're reaching out to you, why don't you try to make amends with them?
• 1:03:16
  SPEAKER_02: You're making a big deal out of nothing, Tim.
• 1:03:18
  SPEAKER_02: What's your first thought?
• 1:03:20
  SPEAKER_02: First impulse and feeling.
• 1:03:22
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with that?
• 1:03:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's how I feel.
• 1:03:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm good with it.
• 1:03:27
  SPEAKER_02: So okay, so the answer might be like, well, I so I might say to you, like, well, no, I mean, what's wrong with that?
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it matters to me that you work on your relationship, like, with certain family members.
• 1:03:42
  SPEAKER_02: It matters to me that you work on your relationship with your college friends because then you would have a fuller life with friends, and then I could be included in that and I could get to know them because I know how important they were to you at some point at some point in your life.
• 1:03:57
  SPEAKER_02: Why can't you work on it?
• 1:03:58
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's important to me that you work on it.
• 1:04:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:04:01
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think I think I mean, just hearing what you're saying, I think you're saying it's important to you that I work on it.
• 1:04:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like I think you have to consider what's important to me, right?
• 1:04:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do I value that effort, that time, that repair?
• 1:04:16
  SPEAKER_01: Do I is does that do I put value on that in 2026?
• 1:04:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:04:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that that and I think that's my decision, right?
• 1:04:23
  SPEAKER_01: It it's and I get it's it's important to you and you have feelings about it, and it's still my decision.
• 1:04:29
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so that's that's really good.
• 1:04:31
  SPEAKER_02: So what I would say to a client with a situation like this is I would say to them, say exactly that what you just said to me.
• 1:04:39
  SPEAKER_02: Like, take this example, like my spouse or my partner wants me to heal these relationships because she likes these people and she doesn't see them that much because they're actually, I mean, she could go see them, but she's probably not gonna go see they're my family or they're my extended family, and and I I don't have great relationships with them right now.
• 1:04:57
  SPEAKER_02: And these are my friends from college, and you know, she she she wants it for me, but she also wants it for her.
• 1:05:04
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, so say exactly what you said to like I would say to you.
• 1:05:09
  SPEAKER_02: If I was coaching you up, say that to your wife, say that to her.
• 1:05:12
  SPEAKER_02: Like I understand you have feelings about it, yeah, and you have thoughts about it, but I need to stay true to me.
• 1:05:16
  SPEAKER_02: And these are this is my family, and there's a lot of hurt and there's a lot of pain there.
• 1:05:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and these are friends from college who have really hurt me, and I I I forgive them, but I'm gonna forgive them and I'm gonna keep them at a distance.
• 1:05:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know, that's exactly what you and I would say to my client, say exactly that to your spouse.
• 1:05:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because that it's it's two parts.
• 1:05:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I need to validate your feelings, right?
• 1:05:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because you do have them on this, right, and express what my feelings are at the same time, and they might not line up, and that's okay, right?
• 1:05:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:05:48
  SPEAKER_02: So okay.
• 1:05:49
  SPEAKER_02: All right, everybody, we're gonna end.
• 1:05:51
  SPEAKER_02: We are over an hour in.
• 1:05:52
  SPEAKER_02: Let me know in the comments if you want these shorter.
• 1:05:55
  SPEAKER_02: If you're listening right now, you might be a long term long listener because it's 67 minutes in.
• 1:05:59
  SPEAKER_02: The other people have been left for like 30 minutes ago.
• 1:06:03
  SPEAKER_01: Hello?
• 1:06:03
  SPEAKER_01: Is this on?
• 1:06:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay.
• 1:06:04
  SPEAKER_02: Hello.
• 1:06:05
  SPEAKER_02: All right, thank you for listening.
• 1:06:06
  SPEAKER_02: Mad love, have a great week, everybody.
• 1:06:08
  SPEAKER_02: We'll see you in part two.
• 1:06:09
  SPEAKER_02: Take care.