Latest / In The Driver's Seat / Starting Over at 40: Why I Left My Second Marriage
Transcript
- Lisa French: 40 years old, I finally stopped waiting for permission to choose myself. And when I did that, my whole world opened to possibility. In this episode, I want to tell the story of why I loved my second marriage, what it taught me about integrity, and why choosing yourself is never selfish, even when it feels a little scary. So if you felt like you've been waiting for the right time or for someone to give you permission. To make a change or start over in any area of your life, this episode is for you. My second marriage actually started out really fun. I met him through mutual friends. We were all big race fans. Went to Knoxville Raceway every weekend. He was the life of the party. He was always making people laugh, boisterous, energetic, but. What came with that was a lot of drinking, ⁓ him d doing a lot of drinking on the weekends. However, after my first marriage, I was just happy to find someone who wasn't trying to control my life. He was not like that at all. But a few years into our relationship, when we were just dating, I started noticing a pattern. He would secretly be in contact with various different women behind my back, like an old girlfriend, a coworker, someone he'd met while he was out on the weekend. And it just kept happening like clockwork. Weirdly, at the same time every year, like the same part of the year, like end of summer. I'd figure it out. He'd stop. Then a year later we were Right back in the same scenario. And every time I would kind of internally make excuses for his behavior. ⁓ that's just who he is. You know, he's just kind of fun, a little flirty. And then there was also a part of me that felt like there was something in his past that emotionally he had never really dealt with, and he was just kind of stuffing that down. Ultimately, I would always say, I know, I know he really loves me. And he's good to my children. Like what he's doing, he doesn't he doesn't mean it. This doesn't mean anything. I needed to tell myself those things to in order to rational rationalize his behavior. What I didn't know is that while I was also trying to make excuses for his behavior, that some of my very closest friends were doing the same thing. It came to light after the the marriage that he had Said inappropriate things, inappropriately flirted with some of those friends. And when they told me about it, they also said, you know, like I didn't think anything of it. I just like, ⁓ he's just being, you know, that's just who he is. That's the, you know, it they just also the same things that I was telling myself, just brushing it off, overlooking it. But ultimately, it didn't make his behavior okay. So weirdly the emotional cheating and I believe eventually physical cheating wasn't what weirdly it wasn't him being in contact with these different females behind my back that hurt me the most. I would it was because I felt like he thought I was too dumb to figure it out and So that would just make me angry. And every time I did figure it out and I would confront him, he would just shut down. Sometimes he would spin it around to me. Like I was just being jealous that he couldn't have female friends, which was furthest from the truth. I'm not a jealous person whatsoever. I have always had guy friends because ⁓ the fact that I grew up in the racing as a sport. But each and every time he would stop the behavior. at then until he'd pick it up again the a year later. There would never be a conversation, an apology, an explanation, no accountability whatsoever. There would be demeanors like he was mad at me for figuring it out. Like I was the bad guy. I could take responsibility in the fact that me not pressing for something more like a conversation that I was accepting of that behavior. But looking back, I was just drifting further and further away from my own truth. And eventually I couldn't do it anymore. Little by little, I knew I was losing bits of myself and the kind of relationship that I wanted, which then brought me to I can't do this anymore. Me year after year after year Of dealing with that, I just finally drew I finally drew this line in the sand. I told him if he wanted to stay married that we need to go to counseling so we can figure out why this keeps happening. I told him if he didn't want to go to counseling, then I needed to be done with a marriage. Once again, he did not engage with me. He completely shut down. He did not try. at all. He was moody. It made the tension in the house very high. And that's when I knew that the marriage was for sure over. The problem was is that I couldn't leave quite yet. I had to sort out something with my daughter first. Earlier that year she had expressed that she wanted to move to an to live with her dad who was in another state. However, when she said it, I knew in my heart that she didn't mean forever. I knew that A, it wasn't about me. It was about her dad and she missed him. She was always a daddy's girl. So she just wanted to spend more time with him. And I felt that basically maybe let's just say a year and then she would want to come back, especially because she had her brother. And he was gonna stay in Iowa and they were very close. So I kind of just took a deep breath on that one and just said, okay, we're just gonna let this play out because I know that it's it's everything will be o okay. However, I did get legal advice and ⁓ even though I didn't hire an attorney and I shared that with my daughter about the fact that if a judge were to allow her to move, because now you know, now her dad's getting wants to change the custody agreement versus it just being kinda like a temporary thing, which is what I w thought would happen. Now he wants to make it permanent and make a custody change. And I explained that to her that if a judge let her go, that that's it. You're finishing school. She just was this she had just entered high school. So she was basically spending the next four years there. And she didn't really say anything. But again, it just kind of sorted itself out. Eventually she decided that no, she didn't want to move. So once that was settled, maybe a little actually before that, because now I know my marriage is over. So you also need to be planning that that next step, I started to try to figure out the math of am I going to be able to do it by myself? with one page check. Yeah. The last thing I wanted to do was go headfirst in this. And then now I can't support my children. I didn't want my children to suffer because of this change I needed in my life. So repeatedly I would sit down with a notepad and I would write everything out. ⁓ all of the monthly expenses. And I would write, you know, rent. But the funny thing is is I really wasn't sure what rent prices were like at the moment, what the market was like. And I also knew that I didn't want an apartment. So a house was probably going to be more, but I would write down the same amount every time. And then I would figure out, okay, this is what electric would cost me gas, cell phone, all the things. And every time then I would figure out well, this is what I bring home from my ⁓ on my paycheck. And thought, okay, it should be it should be okay. A friend at work who did not live in the town where we worked at the hospital, I had confided in her what was going on and kind of my concern about finding a decent place. I wanted a house. And she ends up being the one that found the house, like driving some side street. She didn't know why she took the side street, seized up for rent sign. Anyway, it was perfect. It was a three bedroom house on a corner lot. I could just picture us all being there, us me and the kids. So in that when that happened, and just so happened that the rent for the house turned out to be the exact amount that I would write on the notepad every time. Everything just lined up and fell into place. As I knew for sure that I was going to be able to do this financially. I and I found a place that was going to give a secure and peaceful living environment for my children. The math gave me the logic that I needed, but the decision really came from somewhere much deeper. So at the end of 2011, I informed my husband that I was leaving and little more than a week later, the kids and I were moved into the rental house. I took Only our personal belongings. The kids got, you know, whatever was in their bedrooms, their furniture and all the furniture. But I left the main contents of the house, all the furniture there. I only took my personal belongings, like clothes and that sort of thing. I was really in the mindset of I didn't want to fight over anything. I just want peace. I want out. I want to start over, a fresh start. I did not want to take anything with me that felt like my old life. I wasn't looking for a win per se to like get back at him. I was just looking to be free. It was such a fresh start that and the fact that I didn't take any ⁓ furniture that I had to sleep on an air mattress for several weeks. I don't remember exactly how long. ⁓ I feel like it might have been a couple months before. I could order it and then it was delivered, but get furniture. So my kids joked around about I was camping in my bedroom on the air mattress. Ten days later, 10 days after our move was my 40th birthday. The entire month of January was spent celebrating my 40th birthday. My friends, my close friends threw a big party. People came from out of state. There was There was a reason why all of this really mattered to me, the big celebration. Not only because it was signifying that I was starting over and that I did, you know, choose myself when it came to my marriage, but there was also something more symbolic. Because for whatever reason, my second husband never remembered my birthday. At first it was just started off as a joke, like the typical guy thing, always forgetting. his woman's birthday. But then it was just kind of like people were starting to notice. In fact, his mom did. Like after we got married, my first birthday after we got married, she called me to tell me happy birthday. And the first thing after that she said was, Did he tell you happy birthday? Did he remember? And I said no. And she's like, man, I really was hoping he'd take it more seriously once he got married. The real kicker came when we were buying our house and the loan officer called me at work saying that my husband had given him my birth month and day. I just need to confirm the year. So he repeats like he says it's January of er and he gets the date of what year. And I said, Did he did he tell you my birthday was on this date? And he said, Yeah, why is that not correct? And I said, No. But the worst part is, is that the date he gave you is actually after my birthday. So once again, he will miss my birthday. And got of course the loan officer wasn't really sure what to say. When I got off work, I told my husband about it and we ki he just kind of laughed and said, Well, I was close, you know. Here's the funny part. Is this happened right before my birthday? Like my birthday, I want to say would have been less than a week. Okay. Maybe I don't know. Less definitely less than a week. My birthday comes. It's a snow day. Kids are home. They make card birthday cards. Make a cake in the easy bake oven. I get home. Everyone's home before I I get home from work. When I walk in the door, he asks me, Is it really your birthday today? As if my kids would not know their mother's birthday, first of all. Second of all, we just discussed this. Like, would that not have been a trigger in the moment a few days ago when we have this discussion? Like, ⁓ shoot, her birthday's coming. I to do something. I'm like, I didn't ever be grand. A card would have been fine. Acknowledgement would have been great. So now when I leave him, and it's my 40th birthday, I have now made this decision. I am no longer waiting around for someone to celebrate me. I will celebrate myself. And this is the chapter that really changed the trajectory of my life. That choosing myself wasn't just about ending a marriage. It was about me finally. being honest with myself about what was really happening right in front of me. It was about the disrespect that I was being given and that I deserved better. Choosing yourself is not selfish. It is integrity, whether that's leaving a marriage, ending a long term friendship, walking away from a toxic work environment, or just saying no to something that goes against your values. Honoring what's true for you is always the right answer. It took me a long time to learn that. For years I would excuse people's behavior, just saying, ⁓ I know they're really a good person. You know, even if like this part isn't, this behavior isn't great. Or, you know, or that's just the way they are. It was like I was saying to myself as if I owed them some kind of loyalty or as if keeping the peace mattered more than speaking up for myself. But when I turned the big four O, I learned that integrity mattered more to me than keeping the peace. That shift away from waiting for permission to choose myself felt like absolute freedom. So if you're in your 40s right now, or honestly doesn't really matter how old you are, and you're thinking of leaving something, starting over at something, whether that's a job, one of your relationships, a friendship, changing towns, changing where you've lived. It's gonna it's probably gonna make your heart race a little bit. It probably beats a little faster just thinking about doing any of those. And that's normal. Stepping into the unknown is supposed to feel a little scary. Then on the other side of scary is excitement for something new in your life. Choosing yourself is not selfish, it is integrity. Choosing yourself. Is so important and it is always the right answer. Do me a favor. Try one thing. Ask yourself, where am I life? Am I waiting for permission? Where am I excusing behavior? Whether that's someone else's behavior or even your own behavior. But the behavior is not lined up with what you want. You don't have to act on it. Just be aware of it. Just notice it. Paying attention is where you start. You can't change something when you're not aware of what you're choosing. Thank you so much for being here with me today. And if this episode meant something to you, please subscribe or follow, depending on where you're catching this episode. And if this resonated with you, I also invite you to join my newsletter called Hello Possibility. It's weekly, it comes directly to your inbox. And in the newsletter I Go a little bit deeper on these type of subjects, share a little more of my story. I send that out every Tuesday. And if you are really in a season of wanting to start over somewhere in your some aspect of your life, I also have a free visualization guide that will ⁓ help you picture in your mind what that new life looks like. And helps you kind of get in the mindset of lining up with that. But the links to subscribe to the newsletter and or grab the visualization guide will both be in the show notes. And I'll see you next time. And until then, know that you're always in the driver's seat of your own life.