Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep10: Jeff Dunham: Behind the Puppets 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep10: Jeff Dunham: Behind the Puppets 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: All those years of being married and now it's over.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: So all those years of raising the girls and now the family's broken up.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: So no more marriage?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: Nope.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: No more wife.
• 0:16
  unknown: No.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: What's it like?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, please let me live vicariously through you.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_02: Walter, divorce is not a good thing.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you can't lie to me, asshole.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_02: So what happened?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_02: What happened, Walter, is that unfortunately in our country these days, more than 50% of marriages now end in divorce, and sadly, mine was on that side of things.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: You know, Jeff, I never thought I'd say this to you, but you're my hero.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, what's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: To not think, oh, here she comes.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_02: You can leave your toilet seat up all the time.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: I'd hot blue line open for god's sakes.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: And then shit in the backyard.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: Just because I could.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: Walter divorce is painful.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, like a deep tissue massage.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: How long's it been?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: Almost three years now.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, okay.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: So you dating anybody now?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: Matter of fact, I am.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: Oh good.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: Female?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: Honey, I got bad news and I got good news.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: Bad news is I want a divorce.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: Good news is I'm on your team now.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, let's knit, bitch! So this girl you're dating, is she the same age as you?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: So she's older?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: Younger?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: How much younger?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: Doesn't matter, guess it does.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, does she have nice nose?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: Don't hang down past your knees.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: Your looms hang low, do they all of you?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_02: Can you tie them in a lot?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: Can you tie them in a ball?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_02: Can you throw them on your shoulder like a coffin and a shoulder do your chance alright?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: What do you hear a song like that?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't hear it around it, dumbass.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: But you never sung it to your wife every morning.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: It's not funny.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, even the dog laughs at that.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: That last part was me, I know.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, do you make fun of your wife a lot?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_02: I know it's funny as hell, isn't it?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_02: You know, your wife is supposed to be your soulmate.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: You want to be the pot or the kettle?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: Your wife's quite beautiful.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: He saw an old photo.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm kidding.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: I know.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: I married a key young beautiful thing.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, she's literally eaten by the woman I live with now.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: Look, Walter, I know for a fact that you love your family, you still love your wife, and I think that even at this age, every once in a while you should still try and be romantic with your wife.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: Good lord.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like how?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: Do you ever speak to your wife in a foreign language, like in French?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: Some women love that.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: I call her a French name now and then.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: Monsherry.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: Quasi Lord.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_02: So is there romance between you two?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: Well, not long ago, my wife left a trail of rose pedals on the floor for me.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, into the bedroom?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: Right out the front door.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: You know, there are plenty of romantic places in this country you could go for a special time together.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: Like where?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: Top of the Empire State Building.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no, we tried that.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: The security guard took one look at her and went, uh-oh, King Kong is back! See, just like that.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: You've been married for over 45 years.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: Have you ever said anything to your wife that you truly regretted?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, will you marry me?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: I love you, shit like that.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, when your wife is in a romantic mood, you ever think about taking one of those little pills?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: Cyanide?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, I do actually.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, what does your wife put on when she's feeling frisky at bedtime?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: Night vision goggles.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: Then she sneaks around the house and hunts my ass down.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: It is scary stuff, my friend.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_02: When was the last time you even put your arms around your wife?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: A couple leaks ago when she was choking on a piece of steak.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: You see there he gave her the heimlick.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I know I was drunk.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what I was thinking.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: I was so close.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you could do something simple like watching a movie together.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no, every time we watch a movie, she falls asleep.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_02: Then the next morning I have to drive back to the theater to pick her up and bring her home.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: Have you done anything fun in town here this week?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: You know I don't like getting out.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: You're a little bit of a hypochondriac.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, why don't you wear one of those paper masks?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: Why is paper?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: It can't stop anything.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, hell, the Constitution is paper and it's never stopped our current administration.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_02: Just trying to get a read on the crowd tonight.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_02: So I take it you're not exactly happy with our government right now?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_02: Are you kidding me?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: Congress's approval rating is at 12%.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_02: Jockitch has a higher rating than that.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: So you're paying attention to the presidential candidates?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: How would you feel about a female president?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, file with me.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: Just whoever it is makes sure it's after she hits Nenoplaws.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: Walter.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: I was there when my wife lived through it, and she had been president then.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Holy crap!
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_03: I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm sweaty, I'm clearly fucking Russia Luxembooks.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: Let me talk a little bit more about Christmas.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: So, um, what did you get your wife?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_02: Uh mop.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you take the stick out, hey, it's a wig.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: Where are you shopping for your wife?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: At the 99 cent store?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: What'd you get your grandson?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: A sponge?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: That's not a toy.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_02: It is when you convince him that's sponge blob.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: What did he say to that?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: He said, SpongeBob is not blue with a scour side.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: I said it is when he has an infection.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: Keep scrubbing.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: Walter, what were some of your favorite toys when you were a kid?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, nothing like today.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: What do you mean?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you know, they got all computer games and all that.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: We didn't have that stuff.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: No no.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_02: Hell, we want to play tennis, we actually went outside and swung a racket.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: None of that wheelie crap.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: And playing the guitar, there were strings, not fucking colored buttons.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: Hello! And there were no shoot-em-up games who actually went outside and killed the assholes.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I like the games when you you shoot the aliens.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, we shot a lot of foreigners, you know, we did that too, huh?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: Walter, come on, what about people of other religions?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell am I supposed to do?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: Walk around and ask everybody what they are before I say anything to them?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: You're Catholic and you're Protestant?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_02: Well, Merry Christmas! You're Jewish, hang on.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: Happy Han.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: What are you, atheist?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: Oh well, have a nice day.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_02: And what are you What was that?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know, I couldn't understand what the hell he said.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: Get back to me when you learn the fucking language.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_02: So what do you think about Dublin so far?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: Uh duh du this is the land of beer.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: I know we're going to Israel soon, but while we've been here in Dublin, I've seen pubs everywhere, so I'm pretty sure this is the holy land.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_02: And this is the biggest alcoholics anonymous meeting I've ever been to.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: I had a joke.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_02: What do you call women in Ireland?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what do you call women in Ireland.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: You call them women, you childrenist bastard.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: We landed in Belfast the other day, and I'm like, what?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: Belfast?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_02: Am I here for a job interview?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: I love Dublin! I would never do anything evil to Dublin.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: I'm afraid of the soccer fans.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: But have you looked at this audience?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_02: Closely.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_02: When the lights are up, yes, I am made entirely out of bone and teeth, and my color actually blends in.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: Alright, Ahmed, look, as everybody was coming in tonight, they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_02: And uh uh everybody wrote them down, and before the show we grabbed a handful, and I think you should answer them.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, don't keep.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: Alright, dear Achhmed, this Guinness go right through you.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: You asshole! Yes! And so does potatoes! Corned beef and fucking sunlight.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_02: All right, Victor! A very important question.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: Victor, is this legitimate?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Okie dokie.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: You really want to do this?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_02: From Victor.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: It says, Dear Ahmed, would you help me propose to my girlfriend?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: Next question.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just kidding.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_02: Victor, can we turn on house lights, please?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_02: House lights.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: The guys working the lights that are smoking weed, turn on the fucking lights.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: There he is.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Victor, before you do this, think this through.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, all right, let's hear it.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is the saddest thing I have ever seen.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_02: Highest life expectancy in the entire world?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_02: I did not know that.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_02: Especially women.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_02: Huh?
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, here a woman's average lifespan is 90 to 100 years.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_02: Send my wife home immediately.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: What is this?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: Hell on earth?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: All right, how do you like the food here?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_02: Well, very funny.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_02: What I tried some of that, what do you call that?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: Hak hack harl.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: You cannot speak Icelandic without moving your lips, I'm telling you.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_02: Think of that.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_02: There's no Icelandic ventrugus ever.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_02: I will say though, I think the fe uh the folks of Iceland are geniuses.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_02: How's that?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: They know how to keep it from getting overcrowded with foreigners.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: How's that?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_02: Simply by naming the place uh Iceland.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: It sounds like you'll freeze your asshole.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_02: Plus, it's easier to say than uh dark, long winter land where the weather is shit.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_02: We're morons for naming our country the United States.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_02: Sounds way too welcoming.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: We should have called our country crazy assholes with guns.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: Did you get a chance to go to a volcano?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yes I did.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_02: Did you take your wife?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I did.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: What'd she think?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: She kept saying the same thing over and over.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_02: What stop trying to push me in.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_02: On another subject, did you know that strip clubs are also illegal here?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_02: So if I want to see a naked woman, I have to take a six-hour flight to Scotland.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: Or there's your wife.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's true.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_02: In Iceland, it's legal to whale hunt.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_02: That's not nice.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, this time slightly bigger arrow, more drama.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_02: Not like Ellen.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_02: Let me try this girl thing one more time.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_02: I can do it.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, like the bigger you like it the more you're gonna die.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I'm done.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, you can't.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_02: Your ribs are gone on your spine.