Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1028 - Getting on the Same Page

Transcript

#1028 - Getting on the Same Page · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, the more regular you are with it, the smaller
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  Speaker 2: and shorter it can be because it's an ongoing conversation
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  Speaker 2: as opposed to a one.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad. We are so glad you're listening to the
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast. Thank you so much for joining us.
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  Speaker 1: I'm doctor Justin Coulson and I'm Kylie and today we're
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  Speaker 1: going to be answering one of the most commonly asked
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  Speaker 1: questions that we get about making your family happy, in fact,
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  Speaker 1: about making your relationship happier.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, so we need to talk about today's topic because
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  Speaker 2: it's a question that we get asked time and time again.
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  Speaker 2: How do you get on the same page in parenting?
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  Speaker 1: There's so much what's the word discord, like in couples
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  Speaker 1: where somebody's really dogmatic this is how it's got to
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  Speaker 1: be done, and the other parents saying but what about
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  Speaker 1: or I don't like that and the tension is horrible
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  Speaker 1: right Well.
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  Speaker 2: And what I hear often is, you know, you've come
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  Speaker 2: from two different homes. You've come from two different, like
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  Speaker 2: totally different backgrounds, and you want to do it the
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  Speaker 2: way you were raised.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, And we also kind of think that parenting
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  Speaker 1: should just come naturally, like we just naturally open our
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  Speaker 1: mouth and say stuff to the kids and that will
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  Speaker 1: be what our parenting is. I usually when I'm asked this,
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  Speaker 1: talk about the regular Sunday meetings that you and I have.
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  Speaker 1: We call it a couple's well, call it whatever you want,
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  Speaker 1: a couple's inventory, couples meeting, couples connection, a couple of
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  Speaker 1: the resets, the weekly planning meeting, whatever you want to
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  Speaker 1: call it. But a lot of people look at me strangely,
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  Speaker 1: like you really have a meeting every week to talk
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  Speaker 1: about your family? And I reckon, this is an important
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  Speaker 1: thing to just bring up before we get into our
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  Speaker 1: major topic for today and how to address this question.
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  Speaker 1: We at work usually have to go through meetings at
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  Speaker 1: least on a weekly basis to get across everything that's
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  Speaker 1: supposed to be happening this week at work, and quite
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  Speaker 1: often we'll have like a scheduling meeting with our husband, wife, partner,
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  Speaker 1: spouse to talk about where are you going to be
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  Speaker 1: on this day? I need your help with this that
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  Speaker 1: and the other, and so that can all go into
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  Speaker 1: the planning meeting. But here's the thing. We make plans
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  Speaker 1: for our kids' educations, we make plans for our retirement,
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  Speaker 1: we make plans for our holidays, we make plans for
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  Speaker 1: our careers. We make plans for pretty much everything in
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  Speaker 1: our lives, house plans, whatever. And Yet if I have
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  Speaker 1: a conversation with somebody and say what is the most
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  Speaker 1: important thing in your life, the most important top of
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  Speaker 1: the list, everyone always says family. It's my family. And
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  Speaker 1: when I say, what's your plan for helping your family
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  Speaker 1: to thrive, what's your plan for being on the same
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  Speaker 1: page as your partner, what's your plan for alignment and
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  Speaker 1: working together? People look at me blankly. My what? And
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  Speaker 1: I think that if you want to get on the
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  Speaker 1: same page, you actually have to build a plan.
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  Speaker 2: It's about setting your intentions and getting your priorities in
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  Speaker 2: order as a couple. So often as I talk with
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  Speaker 2: other women, what I hear time and time again is
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  Speaker 2: that partners take care of everything outside the home. I
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  Speaker 2: hate this way, and the mom is the one who
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  Speaker 2: takes care of everything else inside.
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  Speaker 1: Sorry I just sound a very judging then, but that
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  Speaker 1: really gets under.
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  Speaker 2: My skin, and as a result, you're each carrying your
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  Speaker 2: own stresses. There's no it's not a competition to see
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  Speaker 2: who's more stressed out.
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  Speaker 1: But the big thing with that, though, is if I
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  Speaker 1: see you struggling inside, but I've done all my outside stuff.
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  Speaker 1: I've gone to work, I've earned the money, I've mowed
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  Speaker 1: the lawn, I've washed the car. A see, if I'm
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  Speaker 1: not going to get up and help you. But if
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  Speaker 1: that's where we're drawing the barriers, drawing the lines, then
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  Speaker 1: you're going to struggle and also feel guilty about asking me.
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  Speaker 1: I just well, it gets my goat.
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  Speaker 2: But I think that often in lots of cases, it's
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  Speaker 2: not actually a matter of somebody sitting on the couch
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  Speaker 2: just happily enjoying themselves. The reality is that often in
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  Speaker 2: our home we're both actually juggling things. We're not we're
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  Speaker 2: not watching the struggle. But the challenge is sometimes in
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  Speaker 2: order to make things run smoothly, we have to kind
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  Speaker 2: of look at where the priority is in that moment.
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  Speaker 1: So every Sunday you and I have a conversation, and
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  Speaker 1: the conversation takes about fifteen minutes, twenty minutes. What's gone well,
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  Speaker 1: this past week, what hasn't as a couple, what's gone
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  Speaker 1: well as a couple? What hasn't gone well as a couple?
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  Speaker 1: And what one thing, and only one thing are we
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  Speaker 1: going to prioritize to improve how things go in our
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  Speaker 1: couple relationship this week? And that one conversation that we've
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  Speaker 1: had for the last how many years has changed the
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  Speaker 1: way we approach each week. It's improved the intention that
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  Speaker 1: we bring to how we interact together and with the kids.
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  Speaker 2: And I will just point out that only it takes
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  Speaker 2: fifteen minutes because we do it regularly.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, when we have.
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  Speaker 2: Long gaps, that fifteen minute meeting.
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  Speaker 1: Ours. Yeah. True.
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  Speaker 2: True. The more regular you are with that, the smaller
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  Speaker 2: and shorter it can be because it's an ongoing conversation
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  Speaker 2: as opposed to a one off.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so this past weekend we have just done something
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  Speaker 1: that makes all the difference in our family. We used
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  Speaker 1: to do it all the time. It's gotten harder as
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  Speaker 1: our parents have aged and as we've lived not so
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  Speaker 1: close to them. But once every quarter. So in a business,
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  Speaker 1: you have a quarterly planning session, right, you get the
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  Speaker 1: team together and you say here our quarterly goals here's
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  Speaker 1: our quarterly focus. This is what we need to achieve
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  Speaker 1: over the next three months. Most businesses run on an
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  Speaker 1: annual goal basis, a quarterly goal basis, then a monthly
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  Speaker 1: goal basis. And we've been doing this in my happy
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  Speaker 1: family's business for years, and several years ago I thought,
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  Speaker 1: hang on, if I'm doing this for my business, I
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  Speaker 1: need to do it for my family. This weekend, we've
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  Speaker 1: just done a quarterly get together. You and I spent
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  Speaker 1: a couple of nights in Adelaide. I was there for
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  Speaker 1: a conference anyway, so you came with me and we
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  Speaker 1: had a couple of days, a couple of nights to
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  Speaker 1: talk seriously about what's going well, what's not going so well,
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  Speaker 1: and what do we want to work on for the
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  Speaker 1: next twelve weeks. And we are going to let you
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  Speaker 1: behind the curtain. We're going to tell you exactly what
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  Speaker 1: we talked about the parenting expert for his family in
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  Speaker 1: terms of how we can be on the same page
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  Speaker 1: and what we want to do to make things go
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  Speaker 1: better over the next three months.
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  Speaker 2: So I think the first thing that's really important to
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  Speaker 2: acknowledge is that we actually ask the same three questions.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, that's right, every sum.
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  Speaker 2: Only difference, the only difference with the couples get away
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  Speaker 2: is that the things that we talk about we talk
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  Speaker 2: about more for starters, there's more topics to talk about
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  Speaker 2: because we go deep.
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  Speaker 1: And that's the real thing is. I mean, we might
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  Speaker 1: spend an hour on one topic and knowing that we've
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  Speaker 1: still got eight other topics to talk about.
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  Speaker 2: And this is the time where we actually we actually
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  Speaker 2: create the space in our lives, which is really challenging,
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  Speaker 2: but we actually create the space in our lives so
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  Speaker 2: that we can talk about all of the facets of
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  Speaker 2: family life instead of just dealing with the here and now.
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  Speaker 1: So let's go behind the curtain. Let's unpack it and
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  Speaker 1: talk about what we discuss. Where do you want to start, Well.
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  Speaker 2: Let's start with daily habits, because we've talked about James
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  Speaker 2: Clear and his Atomic Habits book a lot on the podcast,
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  Speaker 2: and this acknowledgment that those incremental, almost seemingly insignificant things
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  Speaker 2: we do on a day to day basis are actually
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  Speaker 2: what create the success of our lives.
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  Speaker 1: Over the weekend, we really just talked about systems. Right,
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  Speaker 1: what's our system going to be in the morning, what's
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  Speaker 1: our system going to be? In the evenings. What's our
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  Speaker 1: system going to be on the weekends. Because when you
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  Speaker 1: get your system right, everything flows out of that. So
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  Speaker 1: this is where it gets tricky, right, because I want
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  Speaker 1: to do my exercise in the morning, but I also
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  Speaker 1: want to do a little bit of reading and some
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  Speaker 1: personal growth. I have some spiritual practice that I want
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  Speaker 1: to follow, but you do too. And if I'm out
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  Speaker 1: on a long bike ride and you want to be
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  Speaker 1: down at the beach sitting on your rock and meditating
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  Speaker 1: or having that prayer time, and we've got children who
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  Speaker 1: are waking up but they don't direction, that doesn't work.
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  Speaker 1: So we have to work out how we can not
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  Speaker 1: only get what we want, but also support one another
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  Speaker 1: in getting me supporting you to get what you want,
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  Speaker 1: and vice versa. It requires a whole lot of planning
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  Speaker 1: and a whole lot of thinking to get the priorities
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  Speaker 1: in order to get the routine right, to create the system.
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  Speaker 2: And the great thing about this is if you're doing
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  Speaker 2: it regularly, it's not like you're having to start from scratch.
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  Speaker 1: You're asking, although it felt like we started from stratch
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  Speaker 1: this week.
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  Speaker 2: You're asking what's going well within your daily routine? Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: what's not going well, and where do we need to
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  Speaker 2: tweak things? So we know the big rocks, we know
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  Speaker 2: the things that we want to put in there. But
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  Speaker 2: as family life changes, and as.
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  Speaker 1: You would know, changes, every term.
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  Speaker 2: Changes all the time, and what worked last term doesn't
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  Speaker 2: necessarily work this term, and vice versa, and so trying
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  Speaker 2: to kind of navigate that space can be really really challenging.
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  Speaker 2: But that's why it's so good to be able to
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  Speaker 2: come together and have that conversation, because otherwise what ends
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  Speaker 2: up happening is me. I'm usually the one who just
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  Speaker 2: kind of goes, you know what, it's all too hard.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just going to let go of my things, and
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  Speaker 2: then I start resenting you because you're going out and
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  Speaker 2: doing what you want to do, but I feel like
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  Speaker 2: I can't.
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  Speaker 1: And this is about advocating for you. It's making sure
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  Speaker 1: that your needs are mad. So let's get back to
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  Speaker 1: the agenda. We talked about our personal goals and habits
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  Speaker 1: and the systems that we needed to set up individually
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  Speaker 1: but also as a couple, like our regular date nights
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  Speaker 1: and our family time and our family routine. When we're
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: spending high quality time with the kids like super Saturday, we.
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  Speaker 2: Actually chunked out the calendar and worked out when our
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: next getaway was going to be, so that that's that's
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  Speaker 2: already in there, we know that nothing else can interrupt
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  Speaker 2: that time.
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  Speaker 1: The kids' activities was next on the list, and we're
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  Speaker 1: dealing in a lot of the moment with kids who
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  Speaker 1: were having some struggles, needing some support, and don't feel
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  Speaker 1: like they're really pulling it together, like they're they're not
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  Speaker 1: feeling competent in the activities that they've chosen to do.
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  Speaker 1: So we've had to do a whole lot of work
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  Speaker 1: around how we can get the kids involved in activities,
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  Speaker 1: but also what our children's needs are. And that I
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: mean that took like a whole day to talk about
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  Speaker 1: the kids' six, so.
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  Speaker 2: Many of them, And what I love about that is
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  Speaker 2: the opportunity we actually have with space to pull it
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  Speaker 2: together and actually really spend time on each of the
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  Speaker 2: kids talking about their strengths, talk about their weaknesses, talk
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  Speaker 2: about the struggles that they're having, but most importantly, how
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  Speaker 2: can we as their parents support them better.
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  Speaker 1: So there's a half of other things that we talked about.
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  Speaker 1: We won't dive deep on them, but just briefly because
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  Speaker 1: we have a faith background. We talked about our religious
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  Speaker 1: practice and making sure that we're scheduling time in the
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  Speaker 1: calendar to do the things that matter for us. There
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  Speaker 1: we talked about our finances, because for goodness sakes, right now,
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  Speaker 1: everyone needs to talk about their finances, what is going
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  Speaker 1: on in the world in terms of what it costs
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  Speaker 1: to live and so on.
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  Speaker 2: We set some goals around the kinds of holidays and
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  Speaker 2: like family time we want to spend together.
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  Speaker 1: In fact, we did more than that. We made a
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  Speaker 1: couple of bookings. So this is not just a time
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  Speaker 1: for us to talk about stuff. We take action. So
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  Speaker 1: we actually pulled the calendar out, worked out when the
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: kids were on school holidays, and made some decisions, called
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: the holiday places and made the bookings. So we know
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  Speaker 1: where we're going to be at Eastern next year. We
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: know where we're going to be in winter next year.
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  Speaker 1: We know where we're going to be in the September
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: October holidays, the spring holidays next year. That's why we
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  Speaker 1: have these meetings so that we can lock this stuff in.
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  Speaker 1: Even if it's just camping. It doesn't have to be expensive,
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  Speaker 1: but it's about getting the dates confirmed, getting in the
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  Speaker 1: diary and locking it in.
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  Speaker 2: And the last thing we talked about was our social life.
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  Speaker 2: We love spending time with people. We really enjoy it,
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  Speaker 2: our kids enjoy it, We enjoy it, and we love
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  Speaker 2: having people in our home. So we sat down, we
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  Speaker 2: looked at the calendar and worked out the weekends that
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  Speaker 2: you're around.
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  Speaker 1: Who do we need to catch up with, and.
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  Speaker 2: Who are the important people in our lives that we
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  Speaker 2: want to make sure that we connect with, share our
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  Speaker 2: love with, and enjoy time together.
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  Speaker 1: And again, it's about action, So text messages percent please
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  Speaker 1: come to our house on this date for dinner. We're
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: really looking forward to catching up with you. And it
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  Speaker 1: feels so good to just lock it in the diary
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  Speaker 1: and though, okay, the next three months our social life
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  Speaker 1: is now, there's still room in it, but we've got
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  Speaker 1: the really important stuff bettered down. We also talked about
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  Speaker 1: business and work, because that's part of our lives and
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  Speaker 1: we've got to make sure that we're doing all that
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  Speaker 1: now once the diary comes out and we've written this
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  Speaker 1: stuff down. We also make sure we allocate some time
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  Speaker 1: for fun, and we did have some fun while we
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  Speaker 1: were in Adelaide.
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  Speaker 2: What are you looking at me like that?
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  Speaker 1: For I'm just saying we had some fun because it
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  Speaker 1: can't all be business. Okay, there needs to be some fun.
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  Speaker 1: That's how we get on the same page. Does it
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  Speaker 1: sound like it's a bit extra, maybe, but I'll tell you,
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  Speaker 1: and it doesn't always work out perfectly. I mean, we're
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: going to get two weeks into the next twelve weeks
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  Speaker 1: and something's going to go wrong, the bottom will fall out.
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  Speaker 2: But the great thing is we have a plan. We
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  Speaker 2: have a plan, and when things start to fall apart,
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  Speaker 2: we can go back to the plan.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, what are we missing and we get more accomplished
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  Speaker 1: and we stay more aligned because of that. It sets
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  Speaker 1: the intention and helps us to implement the stuff we've
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  Speaker 1: said we'll do.
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  Speaker 2: And so when we come back together on a weekly basis,
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  Speaker 2: we've got the plan, We've got the quarterly plan. It's there.
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  Speaker 2: It's our blueprint for what we are hoping to achieve
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  Speaker 2: in any given twelve week period.
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  Speaker 1: We really hope that this helps you to create some
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  Speaker 1: alignment in your couple relationship. Hopefully there's some ideas here.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: The kickstart where you're too regardless of whether you're going
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: to get away for a quarterly weekend or just start
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: having the conversations to get alignment. It makes such a difference.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Justin Ruwland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: If you would like more information about making your family happy,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: please check out my brand new book, The Parenting Revolution.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: And a quick reminder, Tomorrow is our last day for
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: the Smells Like Teen Spirit Summit. Early bird price prices
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: go up on Thursday, so dive in. We would love
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: to have you there for the best summit we have
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: ever done and probably the last summit will ever do.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: The Smells Like Teen Spirit Summit so you can have
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: more nirvana, less dramat