Latest / Three Rebel Souls / Episode 15 - Being too much (is a reflection of others, not you)

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Episode 15 - Being too much (is a reflection of others, not you) · Three Rebel Souls

• 0:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hello.
• 0:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: I love how she does- Nice to go the face like, "Here I am."
• 0:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: I can't...
• 0:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: If I put it directly in front of my face, I can't see if it's in the frame.
• 0:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 0:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, so I have to like, "Is it there?"
• 0:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's so funny.
• 0:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hello.
• 0:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hello.
• 0:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hi.
• 0:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Every time you do that, it reminds me of, um, Mrs.
• 0:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Doubtfire.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: "Hello."
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: When you do it.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: I love that movie.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Great one.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Great laugh.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, fly by fruity.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Great laugh.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Robin Williams.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: He was the best.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: The best.
• 1:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: I always said he would've been on my list if he wasn't so hairy.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's funny.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because funny is sexy.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Agreed.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Absolutely.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Totally.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Agreed.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: If not, you're boring.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: I need to laugh.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Sorry.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Not sorry.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think, I think a lot of people would agree with that, though.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 1:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, who doesn't like to laugh?
• 1:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Too many people That's true So how are we doing today?
• 1:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hmm.
• 1:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: We actually didn't say this before we recorded I know.
• 1:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: I am good.
• 1:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's why I've been- I am fantastic actually deer in the headlights.
• 1:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, I've had a really good week, uh, in- Specifically in the area of, like, reprioritizing myself and my overall wellbeing.
• 1:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, so, like, this week I went to my first Pilates class.
• 1:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: We did our sound healing workshop on Friday night.
• 2:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: I did, like, an hour-long foot reflexology massage yesterday.
• 2:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Nice.
• 2:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've been doing, like, daily gratitude, and I did a lot more this week with, like, getting back to, like, pulling cards for myself, and journaling, and just trying to, like, commit more intentional time to, like, my own wellbeing
• 2:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: practices, and it felt really fucking good.
• 2:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 2:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, the week has felt so good.
• 2:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's nice.
• 2:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was...
• 2:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: I didn't feel that way this week.
• 2:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was still exhausted.
• 2:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm still tired.
• 2:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, just no energy- I was t- to do anything.
• 2:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was still tired.
• 2:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 2:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I, I think that maybe that's why I'm, like, extra proud of myself, 'cause, like, we still went for a bike ride yesterday morning even though it took us an hour to do a ride that normally takes us,
• 2:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: like, 30 minutes.
• 2:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, we were moving slow 'cause, uh, we were both so tired.
• 2:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I was like, "You know what?
• 3:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: We're out here.
• 3:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, just keep pedaling."
• 3:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's nice, though.
• 3:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, exactly.
• 3:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: You have to slow down occasionally.
• 3:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Is it?
• 3:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Interesting.
• 3:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, I'm just...
• 3:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know.
• 3:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh, me on a bike and slow do not go together.
• 3:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Heck yeah.
• 3:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm like, it- it...
• 3:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm in a race no matter what we're doing.
• 3:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh-huh.
• 3:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: I gotta get there, or in a car.
• 3:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know.
• 3:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, I used to get up at...
• 3:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, when I used to get up and ride by myself in the mornings, I could do, like, like 14 in, like, a quick 30, 45 minutes.
• 3:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, 14 miles, and I'd just...
• 3:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: I used to be, like, blowing by people.
• 3:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I was riding for, like, a workout, and yesterday was just, like, a cruisy little Saturday morning ride.
• 3:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's nice, though.
• 3:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's good.
• 3:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was nice.
• 3:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, it was nice.
• 3:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: How about you, Adriana?
• 3:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, I've just been really emotional on and off throughout the week.
• 4:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like...
• 4:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, music, 'cause, you know, music always does it for me.
• 4:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 4:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, but it's been with, um...
• 4:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: I guess that, I mean, that usually does it all the time for me anyway, like, with Colombian music.
• 4:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, like, I was flipping through Facebook and then this page popped up with, like, all the old songs, right?
• 4:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 4:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like...
• 4:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so, you know, of course, that brings me back.
• 4:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I get very nostalgic, right?
• 4:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause I start thinking of my grandmother and my grandparents, and just when I was little in Colombia and, and, you know, and the dancing and just, you know, the songs that have always reminded me of- my grandmother or
• 4:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: whatever their song was, so I would hear it and then I'm, like, bawling, you know?
• 4:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: And yeah, I don't know.
• 4:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: W- I just get so nostalgic with, with music.
• 4:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, so yeah, even last night, another thing, like, again, it popped up and I was like, "Ah."
• 4:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was like, "Oh my God."
• 4:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, I am so emotional.
• 5:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: I guess it must be that, um, progressed moon in Pisces again.
• 5:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like, whew.
• 5:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: And yeah.
• 5:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Music.
• 5:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, ugh.
• 5:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: And the eclipse.
• 5:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that.
• 5:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, like- That does not help.
• 5:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, I feel like...
• 5:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, no, and I feel like the, um...
• 5:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: ever since the full moon in July, it's just, you know, hasn't stopped from there.
• 5:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Pretty much.
• 5:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, but I mean, but other than that, I'm, I'm good, you know?
• 5:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I'm excited to, to be doing this and doing the work behind the scenes- Yeah you know, for today.
• 5:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: And yeah, it's all, it's all good.
• 5:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 5:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Then I get to go to Kula- Well, I know the transit moon went through Scor- Scorpio this week, and Adrian We're just, like, having our usual chat on Tuesday, and then we're both crying all of a sudden.
• 5:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I'm like, "Mm, Scorpio right now?"
• 5:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 5:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, just that's always for me.
• 5:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Oh, the one in Scorpio gets you the most?
• 5:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, it wouldn't- The most be any other.
• 5:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: The most.
• 5:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 6:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 6:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: So funny.
• 6:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 6:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: My week's been- Better.
• 6:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Better than last week.
• 6:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh my gosh.
• 6:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Last week I felt like I really just wanted to be in bed.
• 6:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, the entire week I was just so- Yeah worn out.
• 6:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Man, that, that solar eclipse was a doozy.
• 6:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it really wiped me out.
• 6:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I was so...
• 6:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think it wiped out a lot of people.
• 6:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Few people I talked to, they were saying the same thing.
• 6:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: They're like, "I'm exhausted.
• 6:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't..."
• 6:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: And people, some people who, like, they don't stop for anything, that they're always going, going, and- Yeah doing, doing, doing, and they're like, "I- I'm, I'm too tired.
• 6:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm not doing that.
• 6:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm not doing this."
• 6:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I was like, oh, wow.
• 6:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, okay, this is really affecting people 'cause- It is even the people who can't stop are stopping.
• 6:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 6:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 6:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: I didn't push through anything.
• 7:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Me either.
• 7:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was just- That's good.
• 7:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 7:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's different.
• 7:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, that's great.
• 7:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: It feels really good.
• 7:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, um, yeah, I'm, I'm looking forward to getting, um, a little bit more fire back and a little less water maybe.
• 7:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't know.
• 7:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll, we'll see.
• 7:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 7:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: The- Yeah the lunar eclipse is in Pisces, so.
• 7:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: More water.
• 7:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: One more week, hopefully, and then we can move on.
• 7:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll see.
• 7:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right.
• 7:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's another big week.
• 7:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 7:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 7:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, next Friday is the full moon.
• 7:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's a big week for us.
• 7:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: We're doing three...
• 7:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: We're recording three episodes this week with all of this fun energy going on, so.
• 7:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: You gotta strike while, while the iron is hot, right?
• 7:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Let's pour it all out there You might wanna buckle up for the next few episodes.
• 7:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 7:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: We don't really know what's gonna happen.
• 8:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 8:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, we're touching on some touchy topics here, so let's go ahead and dive in.
• 8:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay.
• 8:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Today we're gonna be talking about being too much.
• 8:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 8:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I think a lot of us, uh, were taught very early how to edit ourselves.
• 8:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 8:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Soften our voices, dim our fire, be small enough to keep other people comfortable.
• 8:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know for myself, I've been told many, many things, like too direct, too selfish, too distant, too much, and a thousand other things.
• 8:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, but I think the older that I get, the more I realize that too much usually just means more than someone has the capacity to hold.
• 8:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 8:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and today we're gonna unpack some of our stories of being told that we're too much, where it comes from, what it costs us to shrink, and how we're learning to take up our full space.
• 9:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: So when I say being too much, what does that make you think of?
• 9:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think the first thing that comes to mind for me is too emotional Mm-hmm Like that empath that like cries easily or gets easily like frustrated or angry.
• 9:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know what I mean?
• 9:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like that it's too emotional.
• 9:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 9:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Those were a lot of the things that I think growing up we received a lot of messages about, right?
• 9:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it was always like, like, "Don't cry in public," or like, "Don't cry at, don't cry at work.
• 9:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Don't cry at..."
• 9:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, there's just a lot of There was a lot of messaging around, like, controlling your emotions Mm or s- which is, like, synonymous with suppressing your emotions so that everybody else could feel more comfortable, 'cause crying in front
• 10:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: of people makes them uncomfortable.
• 10:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Getting angry makes them uncomfortable, so it's like instead of learning how to, like, navigate our emotions, we were told to just not.
• 10:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Just don't.
• 10:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Have them.
• 10:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 10:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's what has always made me I don't even know if anyone has ever directly said to me, like, "Ooh, you're too much," in terms of- Right like my emotions.
• 10:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 10:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I have definitely been made to feel like my emotions were too much for other people to hold.
• 10:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 10:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Which I get.
• 10:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: They're too much for me to hold most of the time.
• 10:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 10:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it's, it's a lot.
• 10:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 10:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 10:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: This is so intense.
• 10:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 10:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, I For me, what comes up with hearing too much is, is that whenever I was told that I was too, you know, like too sensitive, too emotional, too intense, you know, um, too loud.
• 11:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, that I was literally told directly like that.
• 11:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 11:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: "You're too loud.
• 11:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Shh.
• 11:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're too loud."
• 11:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 11:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't have an indoor voice, so I never have.
• 11:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and so I feel, like for me, the first thing that comes up is that something's wrong with me.
• 11:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Something was wrong with me when I think of the messaging that I was too much was that, um, it's something that I needed to fix.
• 11:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I learned- very young that I needed to change those things about myself or feel shame about them, you know?
• 11:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, and, and I was uncomfortable.
• 11:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, so yeah, it led to me being uncomfortable being who I was because it was too much for, for people.
• 12:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause, you know, like you said, like, you know, don't cry in public or anything, or like, you know, e- going to the store.
• 12:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, funny, like, my memory of being told that I'm too loud is in the supermarket, like I'm too loud, right?
• 12:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 12:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it comes down to, like, like you're embarrassing them, right?
• 12:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's about them.
• 12:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 12:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: So you have to- You're drawing attention.
• 12:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 12:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: So God forbid you're too loud because what are the, what are the people gonna think?
• 12:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: What are they gonna think about me and my parenting, you know?
• 12:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Of course, I didn't think of that when I was little, but, you know.
• 12:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: So ridiculous.
• 12:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: So yeah, so I learned to...
• 12:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: I started to believe that s- there was something wrong with me.
• 12:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 12:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I mean, too emotional definitely.
• 12:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like and no, it wasn't you're too emotional.
• 12:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, that wasn't...
• 12:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was- Right you're too sensitive.
• 13:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hmm.
• 13:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 13:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 13:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: I can't remember if that was said directly.
• 13:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or you're making a big deal out of, out of nothing- Oh, and I did right?
• 13:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it's- I absolutely did.
• 13:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 13:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was a very sensitive child.
• 13:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- You're overreacting.
• 13:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, tons.
• 13:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: I cried- Calm down.
• 13:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I am a very sensitive person.
• 13:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 13:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I am very sensitive.
• 13:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 13:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: But as a chi- as a child, right, you have no control.
• 13:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you haven't learned how to- Nope.
• 13:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah manage or regulate at any level.
• 13:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 13:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: So everything was just- Crying.
• 13:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Crying when I was a child was my go-to emotion Same Yeah, me too 'Cause I didn't really get angry- Right or, like, yell or- Yeah I just cried.
• 13:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: If I was- Yes angry, I cried.
• 14:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: If I was frustrated, I cried.
• 14:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: If, if I was sad, I cried.
• 14:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 14:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Even now.
• 14:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: I cried guilty if I was- Yes happy.
• 14:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Everything was crying.
• 14:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 14:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, but even now still I do that.
• 14:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Excuse me.
• 14:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 14:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: I feel like I- it's just only after the age of 12 is where the anger came in, and then that became my primary.
• 14:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I think before that, I, I cried to everything.
• 14:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 14:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 14:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause that frustration of you don't know how to, like, let out these intense feelings that you have.
• 14:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's just somehow you just have to, they have to come out somehow, so you just cry.
• 14:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 14:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Whatever the feeling was, you just cry.
• 14:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 14:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Which now I think, you know, I mean, they've done studies.
• 14:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, your tears are actually your body's way of releasing- Mm-hmm those chemicals.
• 14:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 14:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: So that's actually a very, very healthy thing to do.
• 14:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- It's requires some reprogramming on my part.
• 15:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: So Yeah.
• 15:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's still, yeah.
• 15:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, we'll have to come back to that.
• 15:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Stories about crying.
• 15:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, stories I tell myself about crying anyway.
• 15:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: So when you- feel to be made like you're too much?
• 15:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 15:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause I'm not gonna digress.
• 15:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay.
• 15:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: When someone says or implies that you're too much, what do you think they're asking you to shrink?
• 15:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, I guess, I guess it depends on the moment, right?
• 15:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: I guess it depends on what is happening that they're asking you to stop doing.
• 15:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- Oh, um, I'm not sure.
• 16:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm not really sure how to answer that one.
• 16:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- I'll, I'll go first.
• 16:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay.
• 16:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Something popped up for me immediately- Okay when I thought about this.
• 16:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was, um, 'cause it was really interesting on so many levels.
• 16:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, I have been told that I'm too independent- Mm or capable Which I found- So that's a problem really interesting, right?
• 16:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 16:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: How I translated that or what that meant to me intuitively, I don't know, is that I'm, I'm not helpless enough for them to be able to save me or- Oh, that's an interesting one 'Cause it sounds like it's
• 16:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: a good thing, right?
• 17:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yes "Quit being so capable."
• 17:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: But that's an interesting one with, with women, right?
• 17:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because- Yeah oh my God.
• 17:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh my God, I'm having, like, flashbacks from when I started dating again after my divorce.
• 17:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 17:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because I feel like that's the way that men are, um- Yes programmed- Yes to, like, relate to us, and that, like, we n- we always need help with things.
• 17:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, like, I had, I had When I moved into my apartment after COVID, I ordered a bunch of furniture, but because COVID, everything was, like, backordered.
• 17:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 17:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 17:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, like, one of the dressers I ordered didn't come for, like, six months until So I had started seeing this person.
• 17:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, like, literally went on one or two dates with this guy, and he's asking me if I had plans to, like, go out on another, like, 'cause he wanted to go out again, and I was like, "I'm putting
• 18:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: together a dresser tonight.
• 18:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've literally been waiting six months for this dresser."
• 18:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: And he's like, "Oh, well, I can do that."
• 18:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I was like, "I'm good," and, like, couldn't accept that I owned a drill and that I could assemble a piece of furniture- on my own without help.
• 18:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, like, that I don't know how to, like, explain, but as soon as you said that, I was like, "Oh, that's, like, the exact example," where, like, my independence was, was, like, threatening.
• 18:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 18:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, yeah.
• 18:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 18:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: My capability was threatening.
• 18:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it's always threatening something for them, right?
• 18:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's always a threat.
• 18:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 18:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Whether it's something that they're capable or, or not capable of, I feel, right?
• 18:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, for me, the one thing I remember is always being- too, like, too emotional, too intense, too honest, too angry, you know?
• 19:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Mm.
• 19:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, especially for my ex, right?
• 19:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 19:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, and he just wanted that to stop, and you know, what I, again, a- and, and I would, I would then, um, take that on as there's, there, I was still in that stage of there's something wrong with
• 19:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: me, right?
• 19:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: And what do we need to fix, and whatever.
• 19:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, but I realized that it was just that it was his capacity, right?
• 19:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 19:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 19:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so in order for him to stay comfortable, it was more about if I just stop, that it would keep him comfortable.
• 19:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: If I could, if I just shrink myself and shrink all that about me, and m- and continue thinking that it's, that it's me, then, then he's, he's comfortable, and therefore, because I'm all those things, I'm not grateful.
• 20:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 20:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't see how the two correlate, but yeah.
• 20:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it was like, just be grateful and put those things somewhere else, and just be happy.
• 20:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, I can't be happy without those things, 'cause those things are me.
• 20:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: So what are you sup- like what are you supposed to be grateful for?
• 20:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: That, I don't get that either Because it's, it's because, you know, it's, it's how men think is that it's you're complaining, right?
• 20:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're nagging.
• 20:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's how they look at it.
• 20:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because in reality- Oh, yeah you're pushing them to do something to make them better, right?
• 20:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: And to make the relationship better.
• 20:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: But because they're uncomfortable with it, right, and it's not something that, that they're capable of doing or they don't want to, right, because also society tells them that they don't have to, then, um- With emotion you're the one
• 21:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: causing the waves.
• 21:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're the one making the waves.
• 21:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're the one who's causing the problems.
• 21:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so therefore, you should just be grateful that we have this, that, and the other.
• 21:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: All material, you know, and no connection, and everything will be fine.
• 21:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 21:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Be grateful that I put up with you, 'cause you're too much.
• 21:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, exactly.
• 21:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 21:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm really grateful right now.
• 21:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Now I'm fucking grateful.
• 21:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: That I fucking left.
• 21:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Peace.
• 21:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's right.
• 21:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: That was an interesting one, 'cause I never thought of like the, the hyper-independence, but it, but it definitely is the being capable and being independent is threatening- Mm-hmm Very to some people, and that is too much.
• 21:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Interesting.
• 21:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: I had only ever thought of it from the other side of it, where I do- But you know what?
• 22:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: And even, even when they allow you to be independent, they still- They have a problem with us feel threatened by it.
• 22:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, right.
• 22:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 22:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's what he told me after I asked for the divorce, like, "I don't understand.
• 22:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I let you go out with your friends," and blah, blah, blah.
• 22:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I, I, I looked at him and I'm like, "Yeah, I wouldn't have been here otherwise."
• 22:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Let me.
• 22:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Let me.
• 22:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, exactly.
• 22:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's not enough.
• 22:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, if I didn't have as much freedom as I needed, uh, there, there was no way.
• 22:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: I would've left way sooner, because all that bullshit plus you think you're going to stop me?
• 22:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you know, that's not gonna happen.
• 22:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's a Sag.
• 22:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, exactly.
• 22:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 22:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: You should learn about Sagittariuses a little bit before you get involved with them.
• 22:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Freedom.
• 22:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 22:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: But yes, this has been a theme throughout- my marriage, let me put it that way.
• 23:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 23:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: The first time we went to c- marriage counseling many, many, many years ago, you know, it's like, "I want her to need me."
• 23:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, "But I don't need you."
• 23:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Wow.
• 23:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: I am my own person, capable.
• 23:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 23:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: I can, I can handle...
• 23:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: I- I'm a, I'm a Gen X'er, people, okay?
• 23:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've been raising myself since I was eight years old.
• 23:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 23:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Don't need it.
• 23:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: I go, "I want you in my life."
• 23:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 23:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: That is invaluable.
• 23:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 23:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, there's a difference.
• 23:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: When I need you, that's, that's toxic.
• 23:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's a no.
• 23:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 23:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 23:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 23:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: That means I'm looking outside of myself for something.
• 23:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: When I want you in my life, that means- Yeah we're both benefiting.
• 23:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's not one-sided, icky.
• 23:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: And this is, like, a healthy connection, right, yeah.
• 24:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- But that's what I mean about, about it being like- It's your programming, for sure that it's al- it's always about, like, shrinking yourself for what they need, right?
• 24:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, so that they don't have to look at themselves.
• 24:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 24:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: So you have to shrink yourself.
• 24:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: You have to stop being all those things that you are so that you keep them comfortable.
• 24:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then, and it's not o- I, and, and I'm not saying- Make them feel bigger just the husbands.
• 24:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, I'm t- talking about- Ooh.
• 24:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: anybody.
• 24:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Make them feel bigger.
• 24:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Look out.
• 24:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 24:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 24:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: And a lot of times that comes also, it's about judgment, right?
• 24:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, people are judging you, and they wanna stop you from...
• 24:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because, you know, they have these belief systems about how you should act, how you should be, especially women.
• 24:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: And you know, I have someone in particular in my life who every time I curse, she's shushing me.
• 24:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, you know, again, freedom.
• 25:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I, you know, I used to get so annoyed, so finally I, I, you know, I had a conversation, but I'm like, like I, I don't fucking care what other people think.
• 25:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't fucking care, you know?
• 25:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: If they wanna judge me because I said, "Fuck," go ahead.
• 25:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 25:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I don't ca- My mom tried for as long as she lived to try to tell me to stop cursing, and I never did.
• 25:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I'm certainly not gonna listen to anybody else telling me to stop cursing, you know?
• 25:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: And to me it's, it's if that's what you believe...
• 25:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, and the thing of it is I could see if, if they didn't curse.
• 25:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 25:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: But they do.
• 25:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: So instead- Mm you're shrinking yourself in front of other people to pretend that you're this, whatever, I don't know.
• 25:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't know what it is that you're pretending to be, you know?
• 25:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, so that maybe people don't judge you.
• 25:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: And you know what?
• 25:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: I- if that's how you wanna live, that's okay.
• 26:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: But don't put it on me, that I have to...
• 26:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm sitting on the beach having a conversation and I say, "Fuck," and she's worried about the people around us who are saying something.
• 26:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I'm like, "No."
• 26:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's a projection.
• 26:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 26:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Totally.
• 26:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 26:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's a projection.
• 26:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, it's like, no, it's like, like if I'm gonna be j- it's my choice.
• 26:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm gonna speak however I want to, and I will deal with it or not or whatever.
• 26:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: It doesn't...
• 26:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I don't care.
• 26:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 26:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: So yeah.
• 26:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Fuck 'em.
• 26:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: I- Exactly.
• 26:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think with the, like, the shrinking theme, it's, it's been for me, like, my whole life, I think, where I've been made to feel...
• 26:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Again, I don't know if these were ever directly the words other than to say, like, "too something."
• 26:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 26:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I don't know if I ever heard too much directly, but it was too something, right?
• 26:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Mm-hmm so- I, I know when I was a lot younger, and, and I think we talked about this in perfection or people pleasing, or maybe both.
• 27:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, like this hypervigilance of, like, monitoring the space, like trying to read the room and figure out what I need to be- Yeah to fit in here.
• 27:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 27:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know what I mean?
• 27:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like that- Yes where I felt like growing up, I had these different friend groups, like the ones that I played sports with and the ones that- Mm-hmm were like my other friends.
• 27:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then like as I got older, it was, like, my work friends and...
• 27:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: But the friend groups could never all be in the same room- Mm-hmm because I was a different person with each of them.
• 27:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Do you know what I mean?
• 27:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like that sort of- Mm-hmm.
• 27:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, 100% like who do I need to be in this situation, and who do I need to be in this situation?
• 27:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I am a chameleon.
• 27:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 27:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm a one-woman show.
• 27:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: I can play all the roles.
• 28:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 28:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, and I think for a long time, that was sort of like a, that was born of the perfectionism and the people pleasing, and that this, like, well, I can't be...
• 28:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I can't talk about this with this friend group 'cause they're not interested in that, so I need to like shrink this part of myself.
• 28:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or I can't, like, dance when I walk into a store because this, this group is embarrassed by that.
• 28:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 28:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: So like, you know what I mean?
• 28:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it was like- Yeah put, it was kind of like just these little parts of myself, like, reigning them in in different situations.
• 28:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that's not to say, like, we can't be flexible, right?
• 28:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, part of social intelligence is, is understanding, like, you know, like if I'm in a professional setting, I might need to show a little bit different- It is reading the room walk around saying, "Fuck you, Right.
• 28:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 28:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, for sure.
• 28:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 28:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I was gonna say, it is reading the room, but it's not to adjust yourself.
• 28:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just to, you know, like, you know- Yeah not to adjust who you are, right?
• 29:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: But like you said, right, like if you're in a professional setting, right, you're not gonna act all wild just because you're in a professional setting.
• 29:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 29:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: But you can still be yourself in a professional setting.
• 29:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're not doing Jägerbombs and banging other people.
• 29:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 29:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 29:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 29:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 29:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, I think I think about it differently.
• 29:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think it was more extreme when I was younger, because I just wanted so badly to, like, belong, but I- Mm-hmm but I didn't really know what that meant or frankly, like, who I was.
• 29:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 29:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: I didn't know enough about myself to know, like, what it would look like if I showed up authentically.
• 29:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- I think I know now, I know myself better, and I can, I can adapt to different situations without losing myself, if that makes sense.
• 29:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm, absolutely.
• 29:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like I'm no, I'm not, like, playing a role.
• 29:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm just accessing different parts of myself.
• 30:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, in different settings, right?
• 30:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's not, none of it's inauthentic, it's just different sides of me, and that's because I'm complex.
• 30:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 30:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I, but I think the shrinking used to be much more prominent when, especially in like through like high school and college when all everybody was like concerned about was like being cool- Perception and fitting in.
• 30:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: And yeah, like that, that was insane.
• 30:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: And Jesus, social media didn't even exist when- I know we were in high school.
• 30:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Can you fucking imagine?
• 30:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: No.
• 30:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ugh.
• 30:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ugh.
• 30:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 30:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, this- So- kind of, sorry, naturally taking us into the next question, which is, like, what is- Just enough.
• 30:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Feel like where you now.
• 30:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 30:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, uh, that's pretty much where you were going, so I just wanted- Yeah.
• 30:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, and I think it's like the The many evolutions that, that have gotten me here where, I mean, we've talked a lot about unlearning old belief systems and, like, deconditioning from the way that we were raised.
• 31:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because a lot of our conditioning was, you know, the way that we were supposed to be- Mm-hmm the way that we were supposed to show up in the world.
• 31:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so a lot...
• 31:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Through that unlearning, I think it's, it's more of that, like, I mean, I go, I go back to our value of sovereignty, which is, like, a word that has come up a lot for me in the last, like,
• 31:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: year or two.
• 31:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like reclaiming myself, but I first had to figure out who she was- Yeah when I started to, like, let go of all those other things.
• 31:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 31:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because I didn't even know what was mine anymore.
• 31:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 32:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: I also, I mean, you said at the beginning, like, being too much just means it's, what did you say?
• 32:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: More than someone has the capacity to hold- To hold.
• 32:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm um, or something like that, which is like such a, that's such a beautiful way to say that because like you- I've, I've heard a million times and tried to like stay grounded in the idea that like you
• 32:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: won't be too much for the people who are right for you.
• 32:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 32:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, when you find your people, my depths are not scary to you guys.
• 32:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 32:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: We go there together, right?
• 32:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, but other people have had a really hard time- Yeah going to that level Right?
• 32:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: To use our favorite analogy, like all they have is a snorkel, and I need you to put on the full scuba gear and come all the way down here.
• 32:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: But like, if you try and you aren't equipped for that, you can't breathe.
• 32:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 32:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's right.
• 32:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 32:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 32:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, this will be too, this will be too much for you.
• 32:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 32:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that's okay.
• 32:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: That just means that like- You're not my people, or like, "This isn't a place we can go together."
• 33:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or you stop working.
• 33:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 33:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I think the more I know myself, the more- I feel comfortable with being more authentic In more spaces and not like shrinking.
• 33:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 33:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I feel like you said everything I, I would say too.
• 33:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I...
• 33:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: for me, I, it's...
• 33:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: once I got to know myself better, understand myself better, and value these things about myself, um, the right people came into my life who also value- Mm those things about me, and I value those things about them, right?
• 33:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 33:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Instead of, you know, it be- being something wrong with me or someone else.
• 34:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and instead of looking at it as that I'm too much when it comes to dealing with someone, is that I'm too much for that person, right?
• 34:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: That it's too much- Yes for that person.
• 34:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Not that I'm too much, that it's too much for that person.
• 34:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I'm not gonna- Yeah take it on.
• 34:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, I'm not gonna- Right take on the responsibility of how you're going to take my authenticity.
• 34:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 34:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 34:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm not responsible for that, right?
• 34:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: You have to, you know, figure that out.
• 34:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 34:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, so yeah.
• 34:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's, that's, for me, it's, um, valuing myself and, and, and having people that value that too, and that I can go there with.
• 34:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 34:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Even though, you know, I have to admit that it's still a work in progress, right?
• 34:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's nowhere like, oh, hey, yeah, you know, I got rid of, like, that whole thing that's been ingrained in me my wh- my whole life, right, for decades.
• 35:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 35:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Flipped that switch, now it's over.
• 35:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 35:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 35:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: No.
• 35:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ah.
• 35:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: There are still times where I'm like, "Ooh," you know?
• 35:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, is this too much?
• 35:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: But then, you know, but I...
• 35:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: the self-awareness, right, keeps, you know, helps me to be like, okay, no, right?
• 35:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: The, the, that's the old thinking.
• 35:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's the old conditioning.
• 35:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: And now, I mean, not that I wasn't direct before or honest or emotional or...
• 35:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: right?
• 35:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: I still was, but now, um, there's less fear to be those things.
• 35:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Where before it was, you know, there was fear there because of the messages that I was given.
• 35:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 35:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: So now it's more like, well, this is me.
• 35:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Take it or leave it.
• 35:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: You can't handle the Adriana It- nah, exactly.
• 35:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Too fucking hot for you.
• 35:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, what's that, what's that quote of like, that al- other, also that other quote, like, "You can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
• 35:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 35:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Mm-hmm.
• 35:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 35:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't know who we need to credit that to, but like- Yeah I also think in terms of, like, too much, the thing, the thing that makes me feel like too much now is when I'm not at my
• 36:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: best, and I know that that's difficult to, like, work with, you know what I mean?
• 36:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then, then that, like, fear creeps back in- Mm-hmm of like, like, uh-oh, is this gonna be...
• 36:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: is this, am I gonna stop hearing from this person?
• 36:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Am I gonna stop, you know, like, 'cause it's, it's that fear of rejection again.
• 36:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Which again- Yeah I know we talked about that- Totally in, like, in perfectionism and people-pleasing and probably a lot of other episodes- so far, because it's a recurring theme in our lives.
• 36:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 36:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it's the, I'm always afraid that when I'm not at my best now, because I've, because...
• 36:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: And maybe it's just that, like, because I've worked so hard and I know that there's always more work to do, 'cause, like, we do not in fact flip a switch, unfortunately.
• 37:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, there's always gonna be more work to do.
• 37:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: We're always gonna feel like we're doing a bit of a cha-cha in- Yeah healing, right?
• 37:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, but, but my fear then is the fear of rejection or the fear of, like, whatever's gonna happen if I'm not at my best.
• 37:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Which, ooh, that just links right back to the perfectionism episode.
• 37:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because it's like, now that I've set this bar for myself, if I don't show up that way all the time- I'm gonna beat you with that bar.
• 37:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I know.
• 37:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Just please, please do.
• 37:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Maybe I'll learn something.
• 37:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, but if I don't, like, show up in this way or, like, you know, live up to this, then I'm gonna go back to that place of, like, too much or too, you know, whatever, too something.
• 37:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that's, that's hard for me to reconcile even now, right?
• 37:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's on those days where I know I'm not at my best and I feel like, "Oh, this is gonna be the time where someone says, 'You're being too emotional.
• 38:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're being too dramatic.
• 38:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're being too this.
• 38:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're being too that.'"
• 38:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 38:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: For you.
• 38:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, right.
• 38:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's a really good point though, 'cause I definitely...
• 38:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: That is something I try to remind myself of when I feel too much something, whatever that may be, is I pause and take stock.
• 38:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 38:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Am I tired?
• 38:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Am I hungry?
• 38:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 38:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like those old commercials.
• 38:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's like my step one now.
• 38:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: "Do you need a Snickers?"
• 38:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know this is really...
• 38:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: It might sound silly or obvious But something I never, ever used to do.
• 38:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was all just react, react, react.
• 38:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 38:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I found that really helpful, and it's allowed me to give myself so much more grace and be like, "Oh, nope, I only got, like, three hours of sleep last night."
• 39:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm very bitchy when I'm tired.
• 39:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 39:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like really, really bitchy.
• 39:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay?
• 39:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, same, same.
• 39:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I know that about myself.
• 39:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's like, oh, okay, now I'm aware.
• 39:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh yeah, you're really tired today, so we need to either take a step back or just Not engage as much as we might normally, if that makes sense.
• 39:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 39:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- It does.
• 39:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- Same, same goes for me when I'm tired.
• 39:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like a whole other human being.
• 39:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like I have split personalities.
• 39:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm...
• 39:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, when people always ask me, "Are you having more kids?"
• 39:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, "I haven't slept in three years.
• 39:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: You want me to bring a baby into this?
• 39:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hell, no."
• 40:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, no.
• 40:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's the, that's like the number one reason of why I didn't wanna have more.
• 40:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 40:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: I remember how tired I was- Oh, shit, me too when I was pregnant.
• 40:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: I need to sleep.
• 40:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: I fell asleep at my desk, at work.
• 40:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 40:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: On the phone.
• 40:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, no, we're not bringing a- another baby into this, no.
• 40:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Anyway, um, I, I really love that you guys, you know, brought up the, um...
• 40:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: We're not perfect.
• 40:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh, no, this is still very real struggle.
• 40:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: I still, even with you guys, like I'll be like, "Ugh."
• 40:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 40:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: "Did what I say land wrong?"
• 40:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I've come back later and I've said stuff- Oh, my gosh, the numbers and, and like- Yeah, yeah "Well, when I said that, did you..."
• 40:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: And you're like, "Uh, never even gave it another thought."
• 40:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I'm like, "Okay."
• 40:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, um, I think part of what I'm saying is when you find your people or you're testing, like testing new ground with people, is practice, right?
• 41:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 41:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 41:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Just do the things, and then get feedback.
• 41:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- And you've done that at least a few times with me.
• 41:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: I remember- Well- specifically the one time I was leaving Adriana's house and you called me, and you started off the conversation with, "The story I'm telling myself," and I was like, "Huh."
• 41:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: "I, I don't know.
• 41:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't...
• 41:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Nope.
• 41:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I can assure you that was not a thought in my head."
• 41:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: So we're cool.
• 41:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Didn't even cross my mind.
• 41:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly, yeah.
• 41:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's so funny.
• 41:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it is, I mean, bec- this stuff is so ingrained in you, right?
• 41:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, because- Yeah.
• 41:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, yeah because even if you're not directly told, like we said earlier, like even if you're not directly told you're too much of whatever- Yes it is.
• 41:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: There's messaging in other ways.
• 41:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Even when someone just, the sh, that's a huge fucking message, right?
• 41:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: You don't even fucking use words.
• 41:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 42:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and so it's hard.
• 42:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: And also, not, not als- also because it's still out there, right?
• 42:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that messaging is still out there.
• 42:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Everywhere.
• 42:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 42:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so even subconsciously you're still even taking it in, so it's, it is, it's difficult to un- undo that.
• 42:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I also think that, you know, having the awareness to know that- You're not too much, it's just, it's just too much for certain people, is to remember that when you feel that way or someone makes you feel
• 42:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: that way, that they're not for you, right?
• 42:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Don't fucking adjust yourself.
• 42:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 42:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 42:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like now you know and, and, and then now you have the awareness to say, "Oh, okay.
• 42:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: This person's, whatever they're doing or saying is making me feel how I used to feel or how my mom made me feel," d- whatever it was- Mm-hmm that made you feel and be like, "This is not someone who
• 42:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: can accept me as who I am, so they're not for me."
• 43:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 43:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that's okay.
• 43:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, we don't have to, we don't longer have to adjust ourselves to keep a friend, to keep y- y- Mm-hmm family, whatever it is.
• 43:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: You don't have to.
• 43:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 43:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, and I think what happens in those scenarios with us, at least I think what happens, I hope I show it this way for you guys, but it's always met with curiosity.
• 43:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 43:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 43:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: And not like, "Don't be ridiculous."
• 43:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Right not like a, not like a judgmental statement.
• 43:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 43:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, but I think that, I, correct me if I'm wrong, but my, I think my reaction to that phone call was, was there something that I did that made you feel that way or like that brought that up
• 43:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: specifically?
• 43:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because I wanna know that, right?
• 43:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like if that's a- Mm if that's like a trigger for you or a soft spot for you, like even just showing up with curiosity and being, like asking the questions of like- Yeah did I- No, it wasn't did
• 43:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: I make you feel that way?
• 43:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was literally the story in my head because in the past when I did stuff- Yeah this is what the result was.
• 44:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 44:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 44:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 44:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that's one thing I wanna r- uh, say too that I think I forgot to mention earlier is like modifying my behavior to fit into the things that other people, that I thought other people wanted me to be,
• 44:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: never worked out anyway.
• 44:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 44:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh my God, yes.
• 44:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: So- Right if I'm gonna lose people- Never at least- Right I can still have myself- Right when I, when I have that loss.
• 44:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Whereas before, I lost them and myself.
• 44:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 44:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: I had nothing.
• 44:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 44:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 44:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: I lost them and myself.
• 44:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh my God.
• 44:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 44:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 44:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: And y- and exactly because I don't even know if I could tell you the names of half of those people that I used to try to like contort myself- Mm to fit in with.
• 44:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Do you know what I mean?
• 44:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah.
• 44:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't even, I don't even remember half of them.
• 45:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 45:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: So yeah, that, that definitely didn't work out for me, did it?
• 45:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Nope.
• 45:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 45:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: And you know, one thing that just popped up for me too is- that I, I, I wanna bring up is, like, there is grief in this also, right?
• 45:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, like, the realization- Yes of how you fucking gave your power away, right?
• 45:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, 'cause it- Mm essentially you are giving your power away, right?
• 45:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, 'cause you're saying, "Oh," right?
• 45:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, uh, you know, "This is not good enough for you-" Yeah "so I, I need to change this about myself," shrink, whatever.
• 45:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then when you realize all that you did for so long, you're just like, "Holy shit," you know?
• 45:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because in the moment you don't realize you're doing that, right?
• 45:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because of the story we're telling ourselves, right?
• 45:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 45:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, and then when you realize that, you know, how many times you swallowed something, right?
• 45:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh-huh.
• 45:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or, um, you know, how, how, you know, you apologize, um, for something or you, you know, like, you s- For everything.
• 46:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, or you silence yourself, right?
• 46:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um...
• 46:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I don't still do that.
• 46:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: All the time.
• 46:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, and it...
• 46:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 46:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it's like- I mean, at least you, you're a little, you're aware more of it now, right?
• 46:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, as you do it, you're like, "Oh, wait, I just did that," right?
• 46:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: But like not knowing and then coming to the realization that that's what you used to do to make other people happy, and like we just said before, and you're still in a lose-lose situation.
• 46:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: You still fucking got nothing, right?
• 46:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Worse than.
• 46:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Even though you contorted yourself.
• 46:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 46:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: You swallowed, you kept every, you held everything in, and that's that, too.
• 46:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 46:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: There's sadness- Worse behind that, too.
• 46:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so I, what I feel like now, because we've talked about this a lot before, too, and we talked about this when we did Untamed- Mm-hmm the book club, of there's that part in the book that says, like,
• 47:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: "I will no longer stay in any room or any relationship or..."
• 47:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I'm paraphrasing 'cause I don't remember the exact quote.
• 47:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that requires me to abandon myself.
• 47:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 47:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and so I think the thing that feels like too much for some people now goes back to what we were talking about before, is the independence or the confidence.
• 47:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, once you come to this place of, like, sovereignty and self-trust- Mm-hmm and that gives you confidence, and you feel like you're standing on solid ground within yourself- Mm-hmm damn is that triggering for other people, especially other- Oh,
• 47:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: my God.
• 47:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah especially other women who are not there yet.
• 47:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 47:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so when you show up in a room and carry yourself differently with confidence, when you speak with confidence, when you can hold people accountable, when you, you know, call people out on things that are, like, not- Know
• 48:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: yourself.
• 48:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 48:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 48:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: When you just know yourself.
• 48:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: But when you, like, and I think when you know yourself and when you know things are, like, out of alignment with your values and you either set boundaries or hold people accountable to it- Mm holy shit- Yeah is
• 48:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: that triggering for people.
• 48:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 48:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 48:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: But my, like, that, that now is the thing that I'm working on.
• 48:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like, okay, I need to just be okay with the fact that I can't manage everyone's emotions and I can't control their reactions.
• 48:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's, like you said earlier, Age, it's like that's their thing, right?
• 48:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 48:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's their work.
• 48:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: I can't do it for them.
• 48:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 48:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: All I can do is be true to myself in this situation and do what I feel is right for me or whatever, but that level of confidence is so triggering to insecure people or people who have not yet
• 49:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: figured out, you know, who they are- Yeah or how to trust themselves.
• 49:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: They don't like it.
• 49:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I, I, in those situations is I feel like, I feel like that's the time to sort of double down because- If I leave nothing else in that room, it's hopefully a signal that it's okay for you to
• 49:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: do this.
• 49:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's okay for you to, like, know yourself and trust yourself and, like- Yeah.
• 49:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Be an example.
• 49:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 49:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: So that's one of those moments for me that has become now of, like, the, the torch.
• 49:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Mm-hmm that used to trigger the shit out of me, too.
• 49:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: People who were so confident.
• 49:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: All of this...
• 49:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Almost this entire conversation has reminded me of the why we wouldn't have been friends.
• 49:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, exactly.
• 49:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 49:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was just gonna say that, yes.
• 49:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: This is all of that.
• 49:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Totally.
• 49:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, all the things that we talked about with each other were the too-much things.
• 49:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah.
• 50:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, 'cause when you don't know yourself, you really are just insecure.
• 50:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're an insecure person.
• 50:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, yeah.
• 50:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're an insecure person 'cause you have no idea who you are.
• 50:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 50:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've been there.
• 50:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was there most of my life.
• 50:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 50:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because I didn't know who I was.
• 50:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Absolutely.
• 50:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that, I mean, that's all connected, the perfectionism, the rejection sensitivity.
• 50:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: People pleasing.
• 50:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: All those things are connected.
• 50:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: When you don't know- Yeah who you are, and you don't know what you value or, or, like, your purpose, like, why you're, why you're here or what you're doing- Right then what is it, like, you- And it changes
• 50:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: with every person that you're...
• 50:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah you can't trust yourself.
• 50:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 50:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 50:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: When you have to, like, put on a different costume every day, like, then yeah, you can't trust yourself.
• 50:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: You can't, like- Right stand in your own sovereignty.
• 50:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it's...
• 50:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I think for me, I, I used to receive those messages a lot.
• 50:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: The messages I receive now are, are that I'm too much for different reasons, but they're reasons that I'm okay with.
• 50:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 50:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 50:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: This is why people are so exhausted.
• 51:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, they're so exhausted for decades and decades of, like you said, putting on the different fucking costume.
• 51:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: It fucking gets tiring.
• 51:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 51:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Who the fuck wants a costume change all the fucking time?
• 51:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 51:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: So tiring.
• 51:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: You said every day.
• 51:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was, to me, it was more like every- You know, which, which one do I put on today?
• 51:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: hours.
• 51:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't, I don't know, right?
• 51:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 51:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, the, the, the anxiety that comes with that.
• 51:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Who's in my vicinity right now?
• 51:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause I need to ad- modify me.
• 51:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 51:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 51:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Not my behavior, me.
• 51:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Me.
• 51:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 51:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Why are people sick?
• 51:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's the difference.
• 51:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's the key thing I think we're talking about here, right?
• 51:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you can modify your behavior for the environment.
• 51:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 51:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's when I'm at work, of course, I act more professionally.
• 51:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 51:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: I cannot be my full authentic self at work.
• 51:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I can be a smaller authentic version of myself because I cannot walk around dropping fuck bombs all day.
• 51:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Which I absolutely fucking would, 'cause I cuss like a sailor.
• 51:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 52:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's modifying my behavior, not who I am.
• 52:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: I am still- Right.
• 52:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: The F-bomb dropper Yes.
• 52:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, that's- I have a- That's the distinction boomer.
• 52:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 52:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Big, huge.
• 52:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: With F-bomb.
• 52:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's the distinction.
• 52:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Take, take your F-bomb.
• 52:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 52:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's what I was trying to articulate and couldn't get out earlier- Yes I feel like in a, in a concise way.
• 52:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: But of like, if I'm adapting to different situations, it's not because I'm being inauthentic.
• 52:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's- Correct I'm moder- I'm modifying a behavior, but- Right I'm not, I still am who I am.
• 52:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 52:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm still showing up as myself.
• 52:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 52:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just a, a version of myself in that moment.
• 52:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 52:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it's not inauthentic now the way that it used to be when I used to do that, because it used- Correct to be that I could have made millions in the Cirque du Soleil for my contortionist abilities.
• 52:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know what I mean?
• 52:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: And you know, there's another thing of like, that I wanna address because I feel like people talk about a lot, like when they tell you that you're intimidating.
• 53:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 53:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, um- Thank you well, but you know, here's the thing, how I feel about that.
• 53:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I used to think that.
• 53:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: I used to think like, "Oh good, you're intimidated.
• 53:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Good, so don't fuck with me," right?
• 53:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, but the thing is, is I'm not fucking intimidated.
• 53:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm not, I'm not intimidating.
• 53:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're intimidated.
• 53:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 53:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 53:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 53:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or you being intimidated.
• 53:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 53:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: There's a fucking difference.
• 53:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I can take, I, I'll take responsibility if I'm trying to intimidate you, but the times when I've been told that I'm intimidating, I wasn't being intimidating, right?
• 53:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yep.
• 53:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: They were just intimidated by me, right?
• 53:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, that's beautiful.
• 53:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because of whatever they felt about me, you know?
• 53:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Your problem, not mine.
• 53:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yep.
• 53:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Don't put it on me.
• 53:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: 100%.
• 53:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 53:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I feel like people just make that distinction, right?
• 54:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, when someone tells you that you're intimidating, are you being intimidating or are they just intimidated?
• 54:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 54:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: There's a fucking difference.
• 54:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, again- Especially with women by the confidence, by the security- Yeah by the self-trust.
• 54:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 54:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: That, that's what's intimidating- Yeah to insecure people.
• 54:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: I love that, Ques.
• 54:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: I love that reframe.
• 54:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 54:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 54:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause I, I really did, I used to look, I used to look at it the same way when I was younger.
• 54:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was like, "Oh, he finds me intimidating," or, because I've been told that many times.
• 54:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 54:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 54:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I used to be like, "Oh, I gu- I guess I'm intimidating, right?
• 54:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Whatever."
• 54:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like- Then I realized like, wait a minute, I'm not fucking intimidating you.
• 54:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're intimidated.
• 54:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Big difference.
• 54:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 54:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: If I'm not doing anything to, to intimidate you, right?
• 54:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 54:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: And even if you were, unless they buy into that- Right, right they won't be intimidated.
• 55:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Correct.
• 55:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 55:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, exactly.
• 55:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's totally...
• 55:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 55:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: That, I love that reframe, and that's a great, like, I would say depending on your relationship, I would ask that.
• 55:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: If somebody said that to me, I would be like, "Am I intimidating or are you intimidated by me?"
• 55:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 55:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 55:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 55:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause those are two different things, yeah.
• 55:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well- Obviously, being coach-y about it, but- I mean- Yeah.
• 55:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, but this was mostly men that would tell me this when I was out.
• 55:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: They would tell me, "You're intimidating."
• 55:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like- Girl, I hear that all the time "Uh, okay."
• 55:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- You know?
• 55:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, "What, what do you want me to do with that?"
• 55:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 55:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: "What am I supposed to do with that?"
• 55:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Again, what are you mad about?
• 55:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 55:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Good for you.
• 55:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Are you mad that, are you mad that I'm confident?
• 55:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Are you mad that I don't need you?
• 55:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ri- right, exactly.
• 55:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Are you mad...
• 55:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, what are you mad about?
• 55:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Sounds like you might be too weak to be in my circle, so.
• 55:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 55:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Keep on, keep walking.
• 55:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Bye.
• 55:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right, any last thoughts?
• 56:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, that was my last thought, 'cause it just popped in my head and, you know.
• 56:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was brilliant.
• 56:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 56:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: You, there was a couple mic drops from you today, so.
• 56:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 56:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Awesome conversation as always.
• 56:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah I don't know what else to say.
• 56:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's much Good.
• 56:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay.
• 56:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, then- Then be, g- be too much.
• 56:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Be yourself a- as we- Fuck that yeah.
• 56:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 56:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Be yourself.
• 56:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Modify your behavior as appropriate.
• 56:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 56:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm not telling you to go get arrested, okay?
• 56:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Don't modify who you are.
• 56:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: That is not.
• 56:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're too much.
• 56:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're too much.
• 56:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 56:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 56:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right, so I will just say as we wrap up today, everyone, your depth, your honesty, and your fire were never the problem because you won't be too much for the people, spaces, and truths meant for you.
• 56:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 56:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Shrinking has a cost.
• 57:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Honesty has a cost too, but only one of them lets you fully live in your own skin.
• 57:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 57:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Stop apologizing for the volume of your own soul.
• 57:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: As you move through your week, notice where you're tempted to quiet your voice or dim your light.
• 57:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: What would happen if you just let yourself exist fully without editing?
• 57:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 57:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'd love to hear how all of this landed for you.
• 57:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thank you.
• 57:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 57:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I love that.
• 57:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thank you.
• 57:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thank you, and bye, guys.
• 57:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Love you.