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Quick Lift: How to Speak Up When You've Learned to Stay Quiet · Loud & Lifted

• 0:00
  Let's talk about silence. I know, ironic given
• 0:03
  the name of the show. But no, I do not mean sitting
• 0:06
  quietly in a room, meditating, doing yoga, or
• 0:09
  enjoying the five peaceful minutes before your
• 0:11
  family realizes where you are. I mean the kind
• 0:13
  of silence Elaine Lynn Herring described in our
• 0:16
  conversation, withholding parts of yourself for
• 0:18
  the comfort and convenience of others. Let me
• 0:21
  say that again. She describes silence as withholding
• 0:25
  parts of yourself for the comfort and convenience
• 0:27
  of others. That definition has really stayed
• 0:30
  with me. Because when we tell women to speak
• 0:33
  up, it sounds so simple. Raise your hand, share
• 0:36
  your idea, ask for the promotion, say what you
• 0:38
  need. But for a lot of women, this is not just
• 0:41
  about speaking louder in a meeting. It's about
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  unlearning years of being rewarded for being
• 0:45
  agreeable, helpful, easy to work with, and low
• 0:48
  maintenance. And listen, being supportive and
• 0:51
  collaborative are great qualities. We do not
• 0:53
  need to throw those out the window or start flipping
• 0:55
  tables. The problem is when being a good team
• 0:58
  player consistently requires you to disappear.
• 1:02
  So today, I want to break down the biggest takeaways
• 1:04
  from my conversation with Elaine and give you
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  a few practical things that you can actually
• 1:07
  do with them. Because awareness is great, but
• 1:10
  I also want you to leave with something you can
• 1:12
  try today. The first takeaway is this, silence
• 1:15
  is not always quiet. Sometimes silence looks
• 1:18
  like sitting in a meeting and not sharing your
• 1:20
  idea, but it can also look like automatically
• 1:23
  agreeing with everyone else, not correcting someone
• 1:25
  when they take credit for your work. never expressing
• 1:28
  a preference, or even saying yes before you even
• 1:31
  consider whether you have the time or the energy.
• 1:33
  It can look like being the person everyone describes
• 1:35
  is so easy to work with, which sounds like a
• 1:38
  compliment, and sometimes it is. But sometimes
• 1:41
  it's code for she doesn't push back. She does
• 1:44
  not ask for much. She will take on the extra
• 1:46
  work, and she'll make it easier for the rest
• 1:48
  of us. This is where we have to pay attention.
• 1:51
  Because if you are constantly solving for everyone
• 1:53
  else's needs, there may eventually come a point
• 1:55
  where you genuinely do not know what you think
• 1:58
  or what you want anymore. Elaine talked about
• 2:00
  reaching that place herself. She had built a
• 2:02
  successful life, but so much of it was shaped
• 2:04
  around what her family wanted, what her employer
• 2:07
  expected, and what would make everything work
• 2:09
  for everyone else. And I think a lot of women
• 2:12
  can relate to that. You can be successful, capable,
• 2:15
  and highly functioning while still being completely
• 2:18
  disconnected from yourself. You are getting everything
• 2:21
  done. Everyone can depend on you. The calendar
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  is color coded, and the children are where they
• 2:26
  need to be. The work is handled. Sound familiar?
• 2:29
  And then someone asks you what you want to do
• 2:31
  on a free Saturday, and you're like, uh, honestly,
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  I have no idea. So here's your first action item.
• 2:37
  Start asking yourself two questions. What do
• 2:40
  I think? And what do I need? That's it. You do
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  not have to announce the answers to anyone yet.
• 2:46
  You don't even have to make a major life change.
• 2:48
  Just start rebuilding the habits of checking
• 2:50
  in with yourself. What do I actually think about
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  this decision? Do I actually agree with what's
• 2:55
  being said? What do I need in order to do this
• 2:58
  well? What do I need right now? It sounds incredibly
• 3:02
  basic, but if you have spent years thinking about
• 3:05
  what everyone else needs, these questions may
• 3:07
  feel surprisingly uncomfortable. Ask them anyway.
• 3:11
  The second takeaway is that your point of view
• 3:13
  is part of your value. This one is especially
• 3:16
  important at work. Earlier in your career, you
• 3:19
  were rewarded for what you produce. Did you finish
• 3:21
  the project? Did you complete the assignment?
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  The work got done. But as you grow into leadership,
• 3:26
  your value shifts. You were no longer only being
• 3:29
  paid for your output. You were being paid for
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  your judgment. your experience, and your perspective.
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  You are in the room because you know something,
• 3:37
  you see something, and you bring a point of view
• 3:39
  that someone else doesn't have. But if you have
• 3:42
  spent your career trying to be agreeable, it
• 3:43
  can be hard to suddenly flip that switch. You
• 3:46
  may still be sitting there waiting until you
• 3:48
  can be absolutely certain, waiting until your
• 3:51
  thought is perfectly polished, waiting until
• 3:53
  you know no one will disagree. Meanwhile, someone
• 3:56
  else throws out a half -formed idea with tremendous
• 3:59
  confidence, and suddenly there is direction of
• 4:01
  the entire meeting. And let me tell you, it's
• 4:03
  probably a man. Look, we've all been there. Elaine
• 4:06
  also talked about how narrow our expectations
• 4:09
  can be around what leadership is supposed to
• 4:11
  sound like. We reward the person who thinks quickly,
• 4:14
  speaks confidently, and packages everything into
• 4:16
  three perfect bullet points. That's what we call
• 4:19
  executive presence. But not every smart person
• 4:23
  processes information out loud in real time.
• 4:25
  Not every great leader sounds the same. And thank
• 4:27
  goodness, because a world filled with identical
• 4:29
  leadership personality sounds exhausting. Still,
• 4:32
  we have to be willing to contribute our own perspective.
• 4:35
  So your second action item is to use Elaine's
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  phrase, from where I sit. I love this because
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  it does not sound combative. It does not suggest
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  that you have the absolute correct answer. It
• 4:46
  simply introduces your perspective. From where
• 4:49
  I sit, the timeline does not seem realistic.
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  From where I sit, we are overlooking the customer
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  experience. That phrase creates room for someone
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  else to say what the situation looks like from
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  where they sit. Now you're having a conversation
• 5:01
  instead of preparing for battle. Try using it
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  once a week in an email maybe to start a meeting
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  or even a conversation at home. Low stakes is
• 5:09
  completely fine. You're building the muscle.
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  The third takeaway is that you do not have to
• 5:14
  start with the hardest conversation of your life.
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  This is where a lot of us get stuck. We realize
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  we need to use our voice more, and immediately,
• 5:21
  our brain jumps to the most terrifying scenario
• 5:24
  possible. We picture confronting the impossible
• 5:27
  boss, negotiating our entire marriage, or telling
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  our mother -in -law everything that we've held
• 5:31
  in for 15 years. So maybe we don't start there.
• 5:34
  Elaine recommends small experiments. low risk,
• 5:38
  low stakes, something that allows you to collect
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  new evidence. Because many of us have a history
• 5:42
  that tells us expressing a need or an opinion
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  will create conflict. Maybe you spoke up in the
• 5:48
  past and you were just dismissed. Or maybe you
• 5:51
  asked a question and were told you were difficult.
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  Maybe you learned very early that keeping the
• 5:56
  peace was just safer. Those experiences become
• 5:59
  part of your data set. So now you need new data.
• 6:03
  If your friends are deciding where to eat, suggest
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  Thai food. even if you don't care that much.
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  The point is not whether everyone picks Thai
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  food. The point is that you expressed a preference
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  and you survived. No one ended the friendship.
• 6:17
  The restaurant group chat did not collapse and
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  you're probably still invited a brunch. I know
• 6:22
  it sounds silly, but this is how confidence is
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  actually built. Not by waiting until you magically
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  feel brave, but by doing something small, seeing
• 6:29
  what happens and realizing you can handle it.
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  So your third action item is to choose that one
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  small experiment. Express a preference instead
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  of saying whatever everyone wants, I don't care.
• 6:39
  Correct a small mistake instead of letting it
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  go. Ask a question in a meeting. Say I cannot
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  take that on this week instead of automatically
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  rearranging your entire life to do so. Then pay
• 6:51
  attention to what actually happens, not what
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  your fear predicted what would happen. The fourth
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  takeaway is that sharing what you need can actually
• 6:58
  help other people support you. This one is huge.
• 7:03
  We sometimes convince ourselves that staying
• 7:05
  silent is generous. We don't want to burden anyone.
• 7:08
  We don't want to seem needy. We do not want to
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  make the situation harder. But the people around
• 7:14
  us cannot support needs they don't know exist.
• 7:17
  And yes, sometimes people are terrible at supporting
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  us. You tell someone you need to vent and suddenly
• 7:21
  they're offering a seven -step strategic plan,
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  a book recommendation, and the phone number of
• 7:26
  their therapist. You're like, I just needed you
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  to say, that sounds awful. Elaine's point was
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  that we can be more specific about the support
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  we need. You can say, I need to tell someone
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  what's going on, but I don't even want advice.
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  Or I'm not ready to talk about this, but I wanted
• 7:43
  someone else to know. Or how about, please just
• 7:45
  send me a heart emoji so I know you've heard
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  me. No need for a response. This is not being
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  demanding. This is giving someone a better chance
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  of showing up for you the right way. I had to
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  learn this with my own husband. I would tell
• 7:57
  him about something happening at work, and because
• 7:59
  he was trying to be helpful, he would immediately
• 8:01
  start trying to solve it. And I'd be sitting
• 8:03
  there thinking, you are somehow making this way
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  more stressful. Eventually, I had to tell him,
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  I just need you to listen. I don't need you to
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  fix it. That was better for both of us. He did
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  not have to guess what I wanted and I didn't
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  have to stop sharing because I was afraid of
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  getting advice that I did not ask for. So your
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  fourth action item is to finish the sentence.
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  The best way to support me right now is... Maybe
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  the answer is listening. Maybe it's helping you
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  think through options. Maybe it's taking something
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  off your plate. Or maybe it's giving you space.
• 8:34
  Practice telling people what support looks like
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  instead of expecting them to just read your mind.
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  And here is the biggest point from this entire
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  conversation. Being loud does not mean becoming
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  the loudest person in the room. It does not mean
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  saying every thought that comes in your head.
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  And it does not mean being aggressive, confrontational,
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  or demanding. Elaine described being loud as
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  fully being yourself, knowing who you are, knowing
• 9:00
  what you think, and knowing what you need, and
• 9:03
  having the agency to choose how you show up.
• 9:06
  I'm going to say that again. Elaine described
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  being loud as fully being yourself, knowing who
• 9:12
  you are, knowing what you think, and knowing
• 9:14
  what you need, and having the agency to choose
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  how you show up. That version of loud looks different
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  for every person. Maybe your voice is calm and
• 9:23
  thoughtful. Maybe you need time before you speak.
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  Or maybe you are not the person dominating the
• 9:29
  meetings. None of that makes your perspective
• 9:32
  less valuable. But you have to stop automatically
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  withholding it. So this week, keep it simple.
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  Ask yourself what you think and what you need.
• 9:42
  Use from where I sit to share one perspective.
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  Try one low risk experiment and tell someone
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  how they can best support you. You do not have
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  to change your entire life tomorrow. You just
• 9:54
  have to stop abandoning yourself and all these
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  small moments because the cost of silence is
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  not the opportunity you miss or the idea you
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  do not share. It is the slow loss of connection
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  to yourself. And you deserve to know who you
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  are, what you want, and what your life could
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  look like when your voice is actually part of
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  it. If you have not listened to Elaine's full
• 10:15
  episode, I strongly encourage you to do so and
• 10:18
  absolutely pick up her book. It is worthwhile.
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  Until next time, stay loud, know what that means,
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  and stay lifted.