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Transcript

The Day The Gym Stopped Working · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  In my harder seasons, the thing that kept my head above water had a barbell in it.
• 0:04
  And for years, I thought that meant I was fine.
• 0:07
  I'd be safe.
• 0:09
  I wasn't.
• 0:11
  The gym was carrying a load that was never built for me to carry alone.
• 0:18
  I'm going to tell you exactly what training did and didn't do for my mind.
• 0:24
  Okay.
• 0:25
  It was not a cure and it was not nothing.
• 0:27
  At the end, I'll tell you what it gave me on the single worst day.
• 0:32
  The day I'll never forget and the one rule I took from it.
• 0:37
  This is my experience only.
• 0:39
  Movement helped me alongside real help.
• 0:44
  Never instead of it.
• 0:45
  The coaches, the therapy, lots and lots of therapy.
• 0:52
  So do the work alongside of everything that I'm going to give you.
• 0:57
  Do the mindfulness work.
• 0:59
  And I'll say this as many times as it takes.
• 1:03
  takes multiple layers.
• 1:05
  At any rate, I'm Kelly Siegel and this is Harder Than Life.
• 1:08
  Right before we get started, I wanna remind you, man, this one's gonna matter.
• 1:12
  If you're new, please subscribe on YouTube and follow on Spotify and Apple and Amazon.
• 1:16
  And if the person you're thinking about that needs to know what we're gonna get into, send it to them, please.
• 1:22
  That helps me book bigger guests on the show.
• 1:25
  But these Thursday episodes are my favorite because it's you and me and it's literally my lived experiences that I got to pour into you.
• 1:31
  So here we go.
• 1:32
  Why am I so big?
• 1:36
  I am so big because my stepfather and my mother couldn't beat on me.
• 1:42
  Literally, I remember it like it was yesterday.
• 1:45
  My gargantuan stepfather, who was, I don't know, 6'1", 6'2", 265 pounds and a tough mother scratcher, trying to spot me on the barbell, and he couldn't lift it.
• 1:59
  And that's the day I earned respect.
• 2:01
  My mother.
• 2:03
  who my friends called Zap from the American Gladiator.
• 2:07
  She was tough as nails.
• 2:10
  If you've followed me for a long time, you know that she threw a hard punch and I felt the end of those.
• 2:17
  But I tell you, as soon as I started working out, all the physical abuse stopped.
• 2:22
  So this body wasn't vanity, it was safety.
• 2:26
  Strong enough that nobody could put their hands on me again.
• 2:30
  and free enough to give me the courage and the power to leave.
• 2:35
  What training did for me is it gave a powerless kid a place where effort turned into proof.
• 2:44
  Every rep was evidence
• 2:46
  I could change something.
• 2:48
  Keep in mind what I just mentioned about my stepfather.
• 2:52
  I noticed that when he couldn't lift the weights I could, I got respect and it gave me confidence.
• 2:58
  And confidence is a stack of kept promises.
• 3:00
  And the gym is the cheapest and easiest place to keep one.
• 3:05
  It's also the easiest place to break one because it's just you and yourself.
• 3:10
  But there was a study in 2024, a review in the BMJ pulled together 218 different trials with more than 14,000 people.
• 3:22
  Walking or jogging, yoga and strength training all reduce depression symptoms.
• 3:28
  So it's walking and jogging or yoga and strength training.
• 3:31
  They all reduced depression symptoms with strength training and yoga, the easiest for people to stick with.
• 3:37
  Researchers were honest that the quality of the studies varies.
• 3:42
  But all this armor has a cost.
• 3:44
  It works so well, I stopped checking what was underneath it.
• 3:48
  And literally, that's what this harder than life movement is all about.
• 3:51
  But let me get into the deep details.
• 3:54
  What the working out didn't do, the crutch that it did for me, the safety net.
• 4:00
  I said to myself, as long as I got in the gym, I wasn't a total screw up.
• 4:04
  The drinking, the drugs, the womanizing, everybody was doing it.
• 4:07
  But hey, if I got to the gym, I wasn't a total mess up.
• 4:11
  So I went, off I went.
• 4:13
  But 20 years of scotch at every feeling, coupled with the 5 a.m. workouts, yeah.
• 4:19
  It's no wonder that I named this harder than life, so.
• 4:22
  The drinking years, man, whatever I did, whatever I did.
• 4:27
  And I just told this story a minute ago.
• 4:29
  When I came home at 14 drunk, my stepfather, and you know what?
• 4:33
  I tell you the bad things about him.
• 4:34
  He gave me a lot of good advice.
• 4:36
  I ignored most of it until I got older.
• 4:38
  And I realized, holy smokes, this guy was correct.
• 4:40
  First time I came home at 14 drunk, he let me go to bed because I was a mess.
• 4:45
  I was puking.
• 4:46
  and woke me up bright and early and gave me a list of chores you got to do.
• 4:50
  And he said, listen, if you're going to drink like a big boy, you're going to work like a big boy.
• 4:53
  And he goes, I do my best work hungover.
• 4:56
  And I heard the latter and not the former.
• 4:59
  The former, he was trying to teach me, don't drink.
• 5:01
  Don't be like me.
• 5:03
  And that's why the Heart of Life Nation exists.
• 5:05
  Guys, listen to my words.
• 5:09
  Learn from my mistakes, especially you youngsters.
• 5:13
  Man, I've lived it all and done it all.
• 5:15
  What I learned was no matter what I did, I got up.
• 5:18
  I could come home at three o'clock in the morning, stay up till four.
• 5:22
  And I'd be at the gym by six, two hours, sweating alcohol there because I didn't want to feel like a total piece of shit.
• 5:30
  Even though I was literally, I was, I use it against myself.
• 5:33
  I made the gym.
• 5:34
  I went to work, never called in sick.
• 5:36
  So I wasn't that bad.
• 5:38
  I rationalize and justify my own bullshit.
• 5:41
  Here's what training didn't do.
• 5:42
  The first point, I'm going to say several, but the first point that it didn't do, it didn't make me deal with any of the shit that was going on in my head.
• 5:50
  It made me functional while I avoided it.
• 5:54
  Many times when I was in full party mode, I labeled myself as a functioning alcoholic.
• 6:00
  I don't know, just some fun stuff, stupid stuff I used to say.
• 6:03
  Remember being fit, physically fit is not the same as being well.
• 6:08
  You can have a six pack of abs and a nervous system that never once calms down.
• 6:14
  That was me.
• 6:16
  Don't do it because you are very unhealthy.
• 6:20
  Catch it yourself.
• 6:21
  If your workout is the reason you don't think you need help, the workout becomes your hiding place.
• 6:26
  We all have them.
• 6:28
  Some people do the scrolling, sexing, drinking, drugs.
• 6:32
  My real one,
• 6:34
  The worst one was working out.
• 6:36
  One thing in your life gets looked at by someone other than you.
• 6:39
  One, this is the TLC method, guys.
• 6:43
  A therapist, a coach, a counselor, a doctor.
• 6:46
  If things aren't well and you continue to work out, go talk to somebody.
• 6:51
  Email me, kelly at harderthanlife.com.
• 6:53
  I will respond, not AI, and I will point you in the right direction.
• 6:56
  Just give me a little more context of what's going on.
• 6:59
  When working out wasn't enough,
• 7:03
  If you've listened, it was the two panic attacks this summer.
• 7:08
  Oh, man, it was not good.
• 7:12
  And then the constant anxiety I had.
• 7:16
  in the winter, February.
• 7:18
  Let me reset it for you so those that are new to this.
• 7:21
  In June, I had two panic attacks in two weeks.
• 7:24
  The second one, I was with a group of people, and I had to excuse myself and go into my bathroom, and I was hyperventilating, thought I was having a heart attack, dry heaving, and I literally just fell to the ground and curled up in a ball and started crying.
• 7:41
  And it was triggered by the conversation that I was having with,
• 7:45
  this poor individual that was having a rough go at a life, man.
• 7:48
  And that's why I'm paying this forward.
• 7:52
  Leaders go first.
• 7:54
  I'm going to lead.
• 7:55
  A lot of this stuff is embarrassing.
• 7:57
  A lot of this stuff is vulnerability, but I'm going to share it because one of you, this is going to help.
• 8:03
  I bragged for years that I run on protein and caffeine.
• 8:08
  and no sleep.
• 8:09
  And there was a couch in my office I never once sat on.
• 8:12
  Those two weeks that I had that massive anxiety, I had to lay on it.
• 8:17
  I had to lay on it and breathe because I was struggling.
• 8:21
  And yet, what did I do?
• 8:23
  Worked out every day.
• 8:25
  Never took a day off.
• 8:27
  Here's what training didn't do.
• 8:28
  The second point, it couldn't stop the spiral.
• 8:31
  You cannot bench press your way out of something
• 8:38
  The anxiety is data.
• 8:40
  It is not a weakness.
• 8:42
  The system I was running was too small for the load I was putting on it.
• 8:47
  If you're in it right now, man, here's the line.
• 8:49
  Talk to somebody qualified today, a doctor, a therapist.
• 8:53
  Again, you can email me.
• 8:55
  I've read this thing.
• 8:56
  I haven't tried it yet, but in the US, I guess you can text 988 at any hour and someone will help you.
• 9:03
  I haven't checked into that, but I just flashed up.
• 9:06
  Someone just handed me a note on that.
• 9:08
  But both things can be true.
• 9:09
  Train and get help at the same time.
• 9:11
  Remember my TLC, train, learn, coaching, counseling.
• 9:15
  Train your mind and body, learning, coaching, TLC.
• 9:20
  There is no work-life balance.
• 9:21
  There is no mind, body, business, family.
• 9:25
  They're all the same.
• 9:26
  They're all in your nervous system.
• 9:28
  It's equanimity.
• 9:29
  Each one gets equal amounts of energy processes and pain and everything.
• 9:34
  So when the mind goes down, the body goes with it.
• 9:37
  And so does your business.
• 9:39
  So do your relationships.
• 9:41
  So tell me how this can be...
• 9:44
  balanced.
• 9:45
  I guess balance if it's more of a tripod.
• 9:49
  Guys, if you're enjoying this so far, someone you know is the strong one and nobody's checking on them, send this episode to them and be sure to subscribe on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, and Amazon so you're here next Thursday that'll remind you.
• 10:02
  All right, a couple more points and we'll wrap this thing up.
• 10:05
  So as I've told you in the past what the real help looks like, what really doing quote unquote the work looks like,
• 10:11
  I started off with talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR therapy.
• 10:15
  I almost broke the computer when I did the EMDR therapy because we worked through some massive stuff.
• 10:20
  I've done several plant medicines, IFS, integrated family systems, emotional intelligence coaching.
• 10:28
  And I've had coaching the old time.
• 10:29
  I've worked under some massive people, Dan Martell, Craig Siegel, Rudy Ricksteins, great people.
• 10:36
  But the strongest part...
• 10:39
  isn't just naming the things I've done.
• 10:40
  It's telling people that I'm really struggling.
• 10:42
  And I was for years.
• 10:45
  couple of weeks in February and pretty much for the entire month of May and June.
• 10:51
  We're now recording this.
• 10:52
  It's October.
• 10:54
  I feel the best I've ever felt in my life, mentally and physically.
• 10:58
  And the business is doing well.
• 11:00
  Podcast is growing.
• 11:01
  But again, back to the modalities that I took.
• 11:04
  I think I did everything but the frog venom.
• 11:06
  Coaching and therapy are non-negotiables.
• 11:09
  Coaching and counseling are non-negotiables for me.
• 11:11
  And then when I do those, I schedule not much after them because I pour everything into them.
• 11:16
  When I leave coaching or therapy, I'm exhausted because I'm exercising some major demons.
• 11:23
  My biggest regret is I waited till 43 to get started.
• 11:27
  I knew at 30.
• 11:29
  I was in Thailand living the hangover before the hangover existed.
• 11:33
  And I said, this is not sustainable.
• 11:35
  I cannot keep this up.
• 11:36
  And I went 13 more years.
• 11:38
  I waited.
• 11:39
  Wait.
• 11:40
  Don't wait, guys.
• 11:41
  Get to work today.
• 11:42
  Trust me.
• 11:42
  We all got something going on in our head.
• 11:44
  The hardest rep of all is admitting there's an issue, acknowledging it.
• 11:48
  For me, I had to look at my daughter and say, uh...
• 11:51
  Honey, I'm really struggling right now.
• 11:53
  It felt weak, but I had to.
• 11:57
  I told my guys at National Technology Management, I don't have it today.
• 12:00
  I need help.
• 12:01
  And both of them stepped up.
• 12:03
  You don't need to be the tough one.
• 12:05
  This is what they say, man, is you put your mask on before you help anybody else because you're no good to anybody dead.
• 12:12
  Training is the support beam.
• 12:15
  It's not the foundation.
• 12:17
  You need both.
• 12:18
  Talk therapy alone wasn't enough for me.
• 12:20
  Actually, in fact, it's like the gateway drug, in my opinion.
• 12:25
  People telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.
• 12:29
  Too many of us have people around us that tell us what we want to hear, not what we need to hear.
• 12:34
  As I said, leaders go first.
• 12:36
  When you say I'm struggling out loud.
• 12:38
  You make it safe for everyone in your house and your company and around you to say it too.
• 12:45
  That's when vulnerability happens and that's when real trust begins and real collaboration.
• 12:52
  I want you guys to say it out loud to one person today, man.
• 12:57
  I'm not okay today.
• 12:59
  Even if it's to me, guys, email me, kelly at harder than life.com.
• 13:02
  I'm here for this.
• 13:03
  That's what these episodes are for.
• 13:05
  I'm not okay today, Kelly.
• 13:07
  This is what I got going on.
• 13:09
  I will respond.
• 13:11
  I will see you, I will hear you, and I will acknowledge you.
• 13:14
  And if you would like, I will point you in a direction.
• 13:16
  I have a lot of resources to help.
• 13:17
  That's what all of this is for.
• 13:19
  So I've been teasing you a little while.
• 13:20
  What the gym and working out actually did give me on my single worst day, it's coming up next, my friends.
• 13:28
  I'm gonna go way, way back on my final story of this podcast, and it is day five.
• 13:35
  Wow, even saying this just choked me up, man.
• 13:40
  Day five of my sobriety was January 5th.
• 13:46
  2019, I remember...
• 13:49
  like it was yesterday, the day was a one, one, one, nine.
• 13:52
  So nine, one, one, one in reverse.
• 13:54
  I was struggling being sober.
• 13:56
  My boy called me out of the blue, Jesse.
• 13:59
  Jesse, if you ever listened to this, and I, some of my friends don't, it drives me nuts by the way.
• 14:04
  I love you.
• 14:04
  He come to my house.
• 14:06
  grabbed me and said, we're going to the gym, man.
• 14:10
  If you want to read about this, it's in the Heart and Life book, the self-awareness chapter.
• 14:14
  Literally, you know what?
• 14:14
  He saved my life.
• 14:16
  And he just was coming to grab me and just get me out of my head.
• 14:19
  And he did.
• 14:19
  And then he came over, had dinner, and we have a picture of it.
• 14:22
  It's so funny.
• 14:24
  He was wearing this little, these headphones that my daughter had that made him look like a little cat.
• 14:31
  And that day, small little gesture, he saved my life.
• 14:35
  And I appreciate it.
• 14:36
  So this is me reaching out for help, but also reminding you that you can do it and give and be someone's life-saving person as well.
• 14:45
  So remember, I quit cold turkey, quit the alcohol cold turkey.
• 14:49
  Don't do it this way.
• 14:50
  That withdrawal that I went through and I went through withdrawals should have been supervised by a doctor.
• 14:56
  I wouldn't do it that way.
• 14:58
  Day four, five, six, seven, right up.
• 15:01
  It took me about 16 days.
• 15:02
  I was shaking and crying.
• 15:05
  I had to go to a funeral.
• 15:06
  I was in the front crying, shaking, and I had to run out because I was so embarrassed.
• 15:13
  It was at a funeral for a dear friend's father.
• 15:15
  Embarrassing.
• 15:16
  But at least I showed up.
• 15:17
  I do show up.
• 15:18
  That's the one thing.
• 15:19
  I show up and show out as best I can.
• 15:21
  Day six, maybe in four.
• 15:23
  These days are jumbled a little bit.
• 15:25
  Uh...
• 15:25
  Got a call from my brother, from another mother, Anthony Fracki.
• 15:29
  He was on one of the early shows.
• 15:31
  Just had coffee with him.
• 15:33
  And he called me and said, brother, you're a good person.
• 15:39
  And to that day, I do think he told me what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear.
• 15:45
  And that was the first time I cried out loud in front of a friend that I can recall.
• 15:52
  And to this day, he's my rock, man.
• 15:54
  Tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.
• 15:57
  I love you, Anthony.
• 15:58
  Appreciate you very, very much.
• 15:59
  I respect you as a man.
• 16:02
  You're living the life the right way on your terms, doing good things.
• 16:07
  I'm proud of you.
• 16:08
  But...
• 16:09
  I appreciate that.
• 16:12
  I appreciate it.
• 16:12
  I appreciate what you said.
• 16:14
  I made some bad choices, but I'm a good person.
• 16:17
  Thank you.
• 16:17
  Funny little side note to the Jesse story.
• 16:20
  When he showed up to my house, and I'm going to say this.
• 16:24
  I've never ever thought about taking my life, but there are times that I've thought maybe the world would be better without me.
• 16:31
  Maybe I'm freaking crazy and this world isn't supposed to be for me.
• 16:35
  And that day that Jesse walked in, I carry a gun, and my gun was sitting on the counter when he walked in, and he misread that wrong.
• 16:43
  So I say that because maybe just maybe your friends –
• 16:53
  do think the world will be better off place without them.
• 16:55
  So always, always reach out and check on everybody, especially if they're going through hard time or if they're doing the work.
• 17:00
  One thing I thought is the second I thought when I quit drinking, everything was gonna get better, it got way worse.
• 17:06
  What movement gave me on those darkest days?
• 17:08
  This is what I teased the entire time.
• 17:10
  This is the positives of the working out.
• 17:12
  It didn't fix anything, man.
• 17:15
  It gave me the one thing I could still do.
• 17:18
  On a day when nothing was in my control, I could still move.
• 17:21
  And it felt like I had just that little bit of control.
• 17:25
  And I noticed who got me there, not the discipline, Jesse, Anthony, people who believed in me, the workout and the people came together.
• 17:39
  What is it?
• 17:40
  The
• 17:41
  When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
• 17:44
  Even a half-assed workout counts, man.
• 17:46
  In my book, I wrote it this way.
• 17:47
  If you're only got 50% and you give all 50 that day, you gave 100.
• 17:53
  Just don't string too many of those days in a row.
• 17:55
  Here's my three-step process.
• 17:57
  On the worst day, lower the bar.
• 17:59
  Don't skip it.
• 18:00
  Can be a walk, 10 push-ups, 50%.
• 18:02
  That's 100%.
• 18:03
  Step two, call one person.
• 18:08
  Not to fix it so you're not alone with it.
• 18:10
  Here's a pro tip.
• 18:11
  Just say, I don't need you to do anything.
• 18:13
  I just need you to sit with me on this one and just listen.
• 18:16
  Don't fix it.
• 18:17
  Just listen.
• 18:17
  Step three, if it was more than a bad day, call somebody qualified.
• 18:21
  Remember that 988 text in the United States.
• 18:25
  BetterHelp takes health insurance.
• 18:27
  You can jump on.
• 18:29
  Again, email me and I will gladly point you in the right direction.
• 18:33
  And I want to say this again.
• 18:35
  On the worst day.
• 18:37
  50% counts.
• 18:39
  Move, then call one person.
• 18:41
  Training was my armor, then my crutch, but it couldn't stop the panic attacks.
• 18:45
  Real help and real people did the rest.
• 18:48
  But on the worst day, it gave me one thing I still could do.
• 18:51
  On the worst day, 50% counts.
• 18:54
  Move, then call one person.
• 18:56
  You are not alone.
• 18:58
  You matter and you are important.
• 19:00
  Training helped me carry my mind.
• 19:02
  It never replaced real help and it won't replace yours.
• 19:05
  It's okay to not be okay.
• 19:07
  It's not okay to suffer alone.
• 19:10
  Check on your people today and tell me who you checked on.
• 19:14
  I read them.
• 19:17
  And once more, if you're in it, talk to somebody qualified today.
• 19:21
  Please share this with a strong one in your life.
• 19:24
  Subscribe on YouTube and follow on Spotify, Apple, and Amazon.
• 19:29
  Save it for the day you need the rule.
• 19:34
  Face your fears, live your dreams.
• 19:36
  This is Harder Than Life.
• 19:37
  I'll see you next Thursday.
• 19:39
  Please rate and share this podcast.
• 19:40
  I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters.
• 19:44
  Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with.
• 19:51
  Delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity.
• 19:56
  Visit trustntm.com for more info.
• 19:59
  Until next week, be harder than life.