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S2E23 - Solving Hygiene Battles with Choices · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
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  I give you insight awareness and
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  enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode. I'm answering a question from Rosemary in Florida.
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  Shout out to my fellow Floridian.
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  I've actually been getting quite a few emails from Floridians lately. So
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  it's nice to have us dangling down at the bottom of
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  the east coast all listening to play therapy stuff together.
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  So, this is from Rosemary
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  and she is struggling with her daughter who
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  fights hygiene
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  and haven't we all at some point dealt with a child that struggles hygienically.
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  So I think this is a really helpful question.
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  So, Rosemary,
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  thank you so much for writing in and I
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  think this will really be beneficial for everybody.
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  So
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  I'll read parts of the email for you and then I'll dive in.
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  We are struggling at home with my 10 year old daughter.
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  She has always struggled with hygiene and we thought it would improve with age.
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  However, this has been an ongoing issue that we need help with.
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  She doesn't like to shower and when she does, she only uses water.
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  I have to go in and bathe her,
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  which she doesn't like because she's old enough to bathe herself,
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  but she doesn't use soap.
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  She also does not wipe and flush. After using the restroom.
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  We've used reward charts.
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  We remind her every time she leaves the bathroom and we even ask her
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  to come back to the restroom to flush if we go in after her.
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  When we ask her why she does not flush or use soap, she just says, I don't know, I forget
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  we're not sure what to do since she's
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  getting older and we'll be hitting puberty soon.
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  We're at a loss and could really use any guidance you may have.
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  All right, rosemary. Thank you so much for the question.
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  And yes, definitely a struggle for almost all parents at some point in time.
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  So really helpful, we'll dive into that together.
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  The path to calm, confident, and in control parenting starts now.
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  All right. So we know
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  that kids have control over very few things
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  and this is quintessential power and control issue.
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  So when she is on her own in the shower, when she is on her own in the bathroom,
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  no one is there to
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  enforce anything. No one is there to encourage anything.
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  So she has free rein
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  to do whatever she chooses or whatever she chooses not to do.
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  And in this case, she is choosing not to wipe, not to flush, not to use soap.
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  But we have to understand in the greater context,
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  this is a power grab.
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  She's told what to do when to do it, how to do it, why to do it all the time.
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  And kids only have control over a handful of things.
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  I think we've mentioned these before.
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  But you know, we're looking at about five things.
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  So we have eating, sleeping, toileting behavior, and talking.
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  So bathroom power struggles are one of the most common.
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  And so when we see this in light of power and control,
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  it gives us the antidote for that, right? So we have to identify the root issue
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  and then we're able to address it with one of the pillars,
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  one of the reflective responses, we know where to go
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  with our parenting approach based on identifying the root cause.
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  So we know this is a power and control struggle.
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  So that leads us to
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  choice giving.
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  OK. So in this scenario,
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  we need to make it very clear at a neutral time.
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  So not actually when she is getting in the shower or when she gets out of the shower,
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  not when she has gone to the bathroom and not flushed or wiped,
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  it has to be at a completely neutral time.
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  We've talked about this before as well.
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  We set very clear expectations of behavior moving forward.
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  So you can use a fancy phrase, you can use a simple phrase,
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  but the phrase needs to be expressed every time you're about
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  to say something that's really of importance to
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  your child so that they pay attention.
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  We're about to institute a new and significant
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  policy within the confines of this household.
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  That's a really verbose way to say it. But you could also say
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  there's a new rule moving forward and it's really important.
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  But in any scenario, whatever we say,
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  it needs to communicate the severity and the significance
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  of whatever is about to be communicated.
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  So in this scenario, rosemary, I would say, let's say your daughter's name is Bella.
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  So we say
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  Bella
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  moving forward,
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  we're going to have some new rules about showering and going to the bathroom. Ok.
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  So now we've made it very clear, here's where we're going
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  pay attention,
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  there's new expectations unfolding,
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  ok?
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  And then you immediately move to choice giving
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  now because this is an ongoing struggle.
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  We actually are not going to go through the limit setting process
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  because based on your email, you've gone over this ad nauseam with her.
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  So this is not a scenario where you're setting a limit on having to use soap.
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  She already knows it,
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  having to wipe and flush, she already knows it.
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  So therefore,
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  we're going to ultimate choice giving because the pattern has already
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  been established and there's an awareness of refusal to comply.
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  So ultimate choice giving is brought in, let's stop there for a second.
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  We're bringing in choices
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  because choices return power and control to the child.
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  You ultimately have control over the parameters.
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  But the child is given a measure of power and control.
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  So because we know this is a power and control issue,
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  we're going to return some power and control to her with choices.
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  Here's a related aside before I walk you through
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  what the choices actually are going to look like
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  your child's currency matters with ultimate choice giving.
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  And I've talked about this in season one quite a bit.
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  So if you've only started with season two,
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  I encourage you to go back and listen to other choice giving episodes.
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  And when I talk about a child's currency,
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  but I'll really quickly dive into it just for the new listeners, by the way.
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  Welcome. So glad you're here. I know the audience continues to grow.
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  So if you've newly found us, we're really happy to have you and welcome.
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  So a child's currency is what motivates them, what matters to them.
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  It might be books, it might be dessert after dinner,
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  it might be friends, it might be video games, it might be television in the evenings.
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  It, it's going to vary based on the child.
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  But the most important thing to the child
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  is their currency because it's a motivator.
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  So therefore you have to identify what your child's
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  currency is before you go to ultimate choices.
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  So once you've determined I'm going to use
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  reading books because that's my son's currency.
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  So I'm going to use books as, as the example, in this ultimate choice.
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  So you're going to say
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  after you've already
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  figured out it's a power and control
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  issue after you've already decided you're going
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  to give ultimate choices after you've already
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  decided what the child's currency is.
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  And after you've already said we're about to institute a new
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  and significant policy within the confines of this household moving forward,
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  there's going to be new expectations for showering and going to the bathroom.
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  Ok.
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  All of that's what we've talked about,
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  but I had to catch you up because that was kind of a long stretch.
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  Ok. So now we've covered all of those things.
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  Now we're going to get into the ultimate choice.
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  So now you're going to say
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  Bella,
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  when you choose to use soap in the shower,
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  you choose to continue to have the privilege of showering on your own
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  without someone in the shower with you or in the bathroom with you.
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  Ok?
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  You've already mentioned rosemary that she does not
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  like it when you have to bathe her.
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  That's another power and control struggle.
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  So
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  the power and control struggle is she doesn't use soap, but then by not using soap,
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  it adds another level of power and control because she feels completely powerless
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  over the fact that you now are bathing her
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  and at 10 years old, yes, she's right on the verge of puberty.
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  She's right on the verge of needing independence
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  and privacy and certainly not wanting a parent to
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  have to, you know, wash her.
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  So
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  you, when you choose to use soap in the shower,
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  you choose to have the privilege of showering by yourself
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  and me not being in the bathroom with you.
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  If you choose not to use soap in the bathroom,
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  when you shower,
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  you're choosing for me to sit in the bathroom to make sure that you use soap,
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  which do you choose?
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  Ok,
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  so notice that
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  you are no longer saying I'm going to bathe you. If you don't use soap,
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  you've taken yourself out of this because she's never going to learn self control.
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  She's never going to learn self regulation.
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  She's never going to learn to comply with limits
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  if you are constantly stepping in and taking over the situation for her.
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  So notice you've removed yourself from the scenario.
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  So you can choose to shower by yourself independently
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  and privately if you choose to use soap or you
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  can choose for me to sit in the bathroom and
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  make sure that you use soap when you shower,
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  which do you choose?
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  Ok.
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  So that is one way to address this based on the circumstance.
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  If you're going to use a currency,
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  then it would look like this.
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  Bella.
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  If you choose to use soap. When you shower today,
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  you choose to have books tonight before bed.
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  But if you choose not to use soap tonight, when you shower,
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  you choose not to have your books before bed, which do you choose.
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  So in either scenario,
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  you are identifying something that matters to the child,
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  the child's privacy or the child's access to books.
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  And by choosing, not only does she have more power, but she also has buy in.
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  If she chooses to use soap,
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  that's her choice. She's not being forced to.
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  And the exact same scenario would apply for wiping and flushing.
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  So
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  you again, you set all the expectations that we've already discussed.
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  And then you say Bella
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  moving forward,
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  if you choose not to wipe and flush after you use the bathroom,
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  you choose not to have books tonight.
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  But if you choose to wipe and flush after you use the bathroom,
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  you choose to have books, which do you choose
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  every day is a new day
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  that's really, really important.
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  So she's going to shower every day and she's going to use the bathroom every day.
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  So there can't be carryover.
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  There's immediacy to consequences of choices.
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  And if she chooses not to flush and not to wipe and not to use soap and she
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  chooses not to have books or she chooses to have you in there to make sure she uses soap
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  and she laments it and she gets mad and she cries and it's a whole thing. You just say
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  you really wish you would have chosen to use soap.
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  But tomorrow you can choose to use soap and you can choose for me not to be in here.
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  You really wish you would have chosen to wipe and flush.
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  But tomorrow you can choose to wipe and flush and then you choose to have your books.
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  What you're doing is helping her learn what it feels like to have ownership,
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  to have some power
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  and to accept the consequences of her choice.
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  And you're getting rid of the power struggle
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  because it's no longer you hounding her.
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  You nagging her, you reminding her, you bathing her,
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  It's
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  she takes the ownership
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  and she chooses to have what she wants or she chooses to not have what she wants,
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  but it's completely within her control.
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  So Rosemary, I hope that's helpful.
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  I hope that's helpful for all of you know, that you can enlarge that
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  choice giving example to all kinds of consistent problems.
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  It does not have to be hygiene related.
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  It can be anything that your child consistently struggles with.
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  Use the choice giving and the ultimate choice giving process
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  to address that issue with your kids as well.
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  All right. Great to have you all. Thanks for spending time with me this week.
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  Have a lovely weekend. We'll talk again soon. Bye.
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  Thank you for listening
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  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.